Original subtitles

["DID ANYONE EVER TELL YOU" PLAYING]

♪ Did anyone ever tell you You're charming ♪

♪ Did anyone ever tell you You're sweet? ♪

♪ Did anyone ever tell you That you're... I don't know ♪

♪ You're simply so complete ♪

♪ If anyone ever tells you you're charming ♪

♪ If anyone ever tells you agree ♪

♪ If anyone ever tells you i'm in love with you ♪

♪ They were only speaking for me ♪

Terrific, ain't she?

I reserve my superlatives

for the Taj Mahal by moonlight...

Debussy, and things like that.

You mean, you don't like her?

Let's just say that i'm allergic to singers

who wander through the audience,

screaming into customers' ears.

The top singer in Broadway,

and you call it screaming?

Well, it isn't exactly a lullaby, is it?

Listen, wise guy, I manage Miss Lewis

and i ain't had no complaints yet, until now.

I'm not complaining.

- No? - No.

You asked me, and i told you.

Hmmm.

If you really do manage Miss Lewis,

you might give her a suggestion.

- Yeah? - If she'd sing softly,

with that same voice, she'd have something.

I know, I tried it once in a musical at Harvard.

Harvard?

Harvard.

Ha, ha, ha. Harvard!

[NOISY CROWD]

We want Frances Lewis.

Princeton beat Harvard and we want to take back a souvenir of today's game.

Wait a minute, whose side you on?

Ours.

MAN: Boys, please, please.

We don't bother nobody, please.

OFF-BEAT: They had plenty of rhythm, slugged me without missing a beat.

Good fight, wasn't it?

Imagine, honey, 80 guys killing each other for you.

MAN: Oh, I am so sorry.

But, please, please, don't get mad at me.

Please, don't get mad at me.

We slowed 'em down, didn't we?

You certainly did.

I've never been to Princeton, I wonder if it's nice.

You wouldn't like it.

I might have liked the publicity.

Frances, you haven't met my pal, have you?

He's a great admirer of yours.

He put on all the big musicals up at Harvard.

Really? Thanks for your help.

He's got a new angle for your number.

- Oh, has he? - Go ahead, show it to her.

Go ahead, show it to her.

Off-beat, will you take the other piano?

Sure, I live there. Go on, kid.

Plays piano, too.

What next, card tricks?

Francie!

Go ahead.

Well, Miss Lewis,

I thought maybe if you took it a little slower.

Something like this.

♪ Did anyone ever tell you You're charming ♪

♪ Did anyone ♪

[HUMS]

Kind of like that.

That's solid, kid, solid.

You see, today, everybody is doing the jazz type of number,

and i thought this might be a good time for a switch.

I take back everything i thought about Harvard.

Well, Francie?

Well, I thought it was rather good, but i'm afraid it's not my style.

Well, anyway, thanks for the use of the hall.

No, wait a minute. Give her a chance to think it over.

We will all talk it over at Chung Lee's, huh?

Mike, I'd like to, but i have to take a rain check.

- Got a date. - Sure, with me.

I'm afraid not.

But i thought we were going to dish up a bowl of chop suey?

I know, but i got a call from Walter Barrett earlier this evening.

But you're not going to talk business this hour of the morning.

That's part of it.

Oh.

- Sorry. - Yeah.

Thanks for your suggestions.

Good night, boys.

- Good night. - Good night.

What did you expect?

Barrett is the top radio agent.

I didn't ask you.

Well, boys, I'll see you again sometime.

Yeah.

You ain't gonna let him go.

- What? - Mike, grab him.

With his ideas and what i can steal,

-we'd be terrific. - Yeah.

Hey, you, come back here.

Come here. Let's gab a while, huh?

Got any more ideas for numbers?

- Sure. - Really?

Yes, really. Got any more singers to insult?

Sure, plenty of them. All kinds, top names.

- For instance? - All the best.

Only they ain't exactly his.

As a matter of fact, I'm just a stooge agent.

I work for the Eddie Grant office. But i got plans.

I'll get my own layout before long,

and I'll have "Big Time" written all over my puss.

I figure i'd top anything that Barrett guy can offer.

The grammar was mixed, but the idea sounds good.

Look, you know the right words, don't you?

- I know the right people. - You know the right ideas,

I know the right prices. What a combination.

With you selling, him dressing the talent, and me supervising.

- Take it easy, you're ahead of me. - Sure, I am.

I can see our name on the door already. Armstrong and-- What's your name?

Collins, Daniel J. Collins.

- Armstrong and Collins? - Armstrong and Collins.

- And company. - Ha-ha!

[♪♪♪]

[PEE WEE HUNT'S "THE BOOGIE WOOGIE MAN" PLAYING]

♪ Children, here's the story Of a new kind of boogie man ♪

♪ And he doesn't scare you with an eerie scream ♪

♪ He's the leader of a solid Ghost boogie woogie band ♪

♪ And he makes them play On the beam ♪

♪ Every night when you're asleep ♪

♪ He starts with a rollin' bass ♪

♪ And it's sure to put a nightmare in your dream ♪

♪ When he gets them in the groove ♪

♪ They all start to rock the place ♪

♪ 'Cause he makes them play on the beam ♪

♪ No one knows who he is Anybody could be him ♪

♪ Folks who peek Take a peek ♪

♪ And they claim They don't see him ♪

♪ So if you hear a piano and there's nobody playin'it ♪

♪ And it's playin' boogie like nobody can ♪

♪ When it hits a rhythm and your feet start obeyin' it ♪

♪ Look out It's the boogie woogie man ♪

♪ There's a tune That he plays ♪

♪ It's a tune That he made up ♪

♪ And the ghost union card that he carries is paid up ♪

♪ He's really from another world ♪

♪ He's out of this hemisphere ♪

♪ He's been sought by Philo Vance and Charlie Chan ♪

♪ If that's boogie woogie music he's liable to appear ♪

♪ Look out ♪

♪ It's the boogie woogie man ♪

♪ It's the boogie woogie man ♪

♪ It's the boogie woogie man ♪

♪ Look out ♪

Yeah, man!

Well, Mike, what do you think?

Danny, it's... well, it's, it's...

He likes it.

He ought to. It will sell a lot of television sets, Danny.

Yeah, if we can ever get those production numbers set.

How about that girl you auditioned this morning?

No good, but we'll keep on trying.

Give the boys a breather.

We'll rehearse the finish later.

Okay, boys, take five.

How did you like it, Off-beat?

Not bad.

Better than Chester's Trained Roosters.

It's the first act i ever handled.

- Yeah, and ate. - And liked.

MOE: Mr. Collins. Mr. Collins!

What is this, an alley?

Mr. Collins, this time i've really got it.

Forget it.

You had it yesterday and almost left two corpses on our hands.

Ha, ha, I got rid of those two mugs.

This is it with a capital E, look!

[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]

What is it?

The sensation of two hemispheres,

semi and demi.

His royal Chow Meinian Highness, the Maharajah Vincikita Stabach,

and his not-so-royal assistant, Spelenakatz Claviash.

Where is that egghead?

Maha!

Ah-hah.

Maha.

Ah-hah.

Oh, oh, oh!

- I can't see with these glasses on. - Shh!

Keep 'em on, you want to give the gag away?

Hmmm.

[TALKING GIBBERISH]

You'd like to talk to that people?

[GIBBERISH]

Sit down.

Grr!

Nyuck! Nyuck! Nyuck!

Oh!

What does the Rajah do?

We shall see.

- Maha. - Aha.

[SPEAKING IN GIBBERISH]

[CURLY SPEAKING IN GIBBERISH]

Gimme a fish cake daddy...

also knives.

Also knives?

Yukes.

That's a knife which you gonna pitch it?

That's a knife which I'm gonna chuck it.

Oh, boy!

- The Maha... - Aha.

Sit down, you over-stuffed davenport.

[CURLY BARKS]

Hmm!

Hold it. Hold it.

Up you go, up, upsy.

At this time, the Rajah says he will throw the razor-edged daggers at random.

Are you Random?

No, I'm not Random.

Wait a minute... you don't think i'd let that blind bat

throw knives at me, do you?

What do you mean, blind bat?

He can see better than you. I can prove it.

Yeah, prove it.

Rajah... what is this?

Half a dollar.

Oh, he can see better than i can,

I thought it was a dime.

Come on.

The blueprints for this particular trick were lost by the Rajah

while crawling through the Chow Meinian sewers,

and the Rajah's told me in the strictest of confidence

should he accomplish this trick tonight,

he will immediately turn professional.

- Oh, no. - Come here...

Take a card, uh, I mean, a knife.

[SHOUTING]

Try again, you missed him.

- Missed that? - Missed that!

Nyuck! Nyuck! Nyuck!

[SHOUTING]

The Rajah, with his mental agility,

muscular control and keenness of eye,

will with the next blade come within one eighth of an inch

of the victim's brain.

The blade.

Hmm!

[SHOUTING]

Nyuck! Nyuck! Nyuck!

-[HONKS] [GROANS]

And now, in order to make this feat more difficult,

the Maha...

Aha.

Quiet.

The Rajah will twist himself in compete circles,

until he becomes more dizzy,

and cast six blades simultaneously.

- Who does that? - You do.

- Do i? - Yes.

Nyuck! Nyuck! Nyuck!

Ready?

Faster.

[SHOUTING]

Oh! Nyuck! Nyuck! Nyuck!

[CURLY SHOUTING]

Maha.

Aha.

- Terrific, no? - No.

Oh, we'll keep trying, we'll keep trying.

Don't worry, we'll keep trying.

Fellas, fellas.

- Danny;, it's-- - Yes, I know you liked it.

Off-beat, that was a--

Come here.

When you finish that, you can draw my bath.

No kidding, fellas, it was swell.

You know, Danny, what i can't help wishing though?

What?

Don't jump down my throat,

but Frances Lewis would fit into this television setup swell.

A top name, great voice, looks.

Have you been talking to her?

Me?

Aw, she's outta show business.

She got married and settled down.

Mike never reads the papers, outside of Dick Tracy.

What do you mean?

You wouldn't know she got a divorce yesterday, would you?

Frances Lewis? She did?

Divorced? Was it in the papers?

Yeah!

Huh?

This paper.

What, what, what?

He can't even read.

Mrs. Walter Barrett, the former Frances Lewis,

of Broadway fame,

received her final decree yesterday in Judge Pierson's, et cetera, et cetera!

Was it in the papers?

Aw Danny, that Barrett guy wasn't any good.

Yeah, he sure played her a dirty trick,

losing all his money.

That wasn't why she divorced him.

- No? - No!

Besides, my interest with her is strictly business.

I gotta make some calls.

I'll listen to the rest of the program in my office.

You know what, Mr. Collins,

I think Mike is cookin' up a surprise for us,

only it ain't gonna be no surprise

and i don't like it.

And i don't like it.

You'll have to wait.

Any calls for me?

No, Mr. Armstrong.

Mr. Armstrong, may i talk to you about--

No, no, later. I'll be in my office.

I'm expecting a lady.

BRENDA: Yes, sir.

A Miss Frances Lewis.

- Brenda. - What is it, Cobina?

Did you hear what he said?

No.

He said he was expecting a lady.

What does he think we are, gophers?

Well, laugh with me, Brenda.

Mr. Armstrong in? Miss Lewis calling.

Oh yes, Miss Lewis.

Mr. Armstrong is expecting you.

Come right in. This way, please.

Don't ya think i'm like her?

Well, in some places, you are,

and some places you ain't, and where you ain't,

you certainly hit the jackpot.

Oh!

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Come in.

Francie.

- Hello, Mike. - Francie.

I hope i haven't kept you waiting.

A few years.

I've been marking some time myself.

Maybe i should have kept that chop suey date with you.

It's going to be caviar and champagne from here in.

I'm taking over your worries now.

Thanks.

Won't you sit down?

All right.

Well?

Well, me and Danny--

Danny and i-- got a big radio show all laid out.

All we need now is somebody tops,

somebody with a great personality,

swell voice.

Same old Mike, subtle as a sledge hammer.

No, no, I mean it.

I know you do,

and i love being back with you.

We're gonna be together again,

this time for keeps.

You and me and Danny, huh?

How is Mr. Collins?

Great! Great!

He's a swell fellow, Francie,

when you get to know him.

He's going to be crazy about you.

I suppose i'll be kicking myself for fixing this up someday.

Well, I'll run ahead and tell him you're here.

All right.

It'll singe you...

the hottest arrangement i ever made.

- All right, Glen? - Sure, Danny.

Hey, fellas.

Fellas, what do you think just happened?

Who do you think just walked in?

BOTH: Frances Lewis.

How did you know?

We got a Ouija board.

Francie, come on in, honey.

He's so stunned he can't talk, and no wonder.

Here we are, racking our brains to find somebody to put the show over,

and you walk in.

She's practically promised to do it for us.

Just a minute, if i like the setup.

You won't, it's not your style.

Oh sure, she will.

Don't pay attention to him.

He's trying to be modest. It's a great show.

Run through some of the numbers for her.

You'd like to hear 'em, wouldn't you? We can get everything settled tonight.

- Mike... - Please, Danny,

give her the hit number, huh?

Sit down, honey.

Danny put the show on.

Wrote the special material too.

He even fills in for missing parts.

I don't see why you hire performers

with him around.

We could do without a lot of performers.

DANNY: All right, boys, "Time Out For Rhythm."

["TIME OUT FOR RHYTHM" PLAYING]

♪ Time out for rhythm ♪

♪ Got to have some rhythm ♪

♪ Oh, unless it's all so dull ♪

♪ Time out for music ♪

♪ Got to have some music ♪

♪ You've been tacit There's a lull ♪

♪ I have got the blues so for heaven's sake ♪

♪ It may be news but this isn't a wake ♪

♪ I'm beggin' you to take time out for music ♪

♪ Got to have some rhythm ♪

♪ Give it the down beat please ♪

♪ Time out for saxes as the band relaxes ♪

♪ Time out let's brass it hit high C then pass it ♪

♪ Now rhythm men you've got work to do ♪

♪ To do to do ♪

♪ And when you get the cue Time out for music ♪

♪ I've gotta hear some rhythm or else ♪

♪ Rhythm do do do do ♪

♪ Rhythm's what counts Makes you feel alive ♪

♪ Rock let it bounce and before you take five ♪

♪ Come on and dig my jive Time out for music ♪

♪ Got to have some rhythm give it the down beat ♪

♪ That golden down beat ♪

♪ Give it the down beat please ♪

What a show!

What did i tell you? Isn't it great?

Very nice.

Very nice!

From her, that means sensational.

And what a collection of talent.

All the talent in the world,

but i'd be lost in it.

You lost in it?

That's a laugh.

Listen, Mike, I left Broadway a headliner,

and i'm coming back a headliner.

You're right, Miss Lewis.

Besides, we have Miss Merrill.

Sure, that ain't for you...

small part, second girl.

Perhaps we can find another show to build around you.

Thanks for a pleasant evening, Mike.

Wait, Francie, let me talk to Danny.

Maybe you better wait in my office, huh, honey?

Now, listen here.

Come here.

Trouble, huh?

Yeah, plenty.

You better send the boys home.

All right, boys.

Wrap them up.

- Now, listen. - You listen.

Who do you think you're kidding?

Okay, I asked Frances to come in.

You promised her a Frances Lewis Hour,

the whole program on a platter.

All i want to do is build up her part.

Don't make a federal case out of nothing.

Nothing?

I work to build the first big television hour,

you call kicking the thing in the ash can nothing?

We could use her. Her name still means something.

Forget it, Mike.

The audition isn't all that's worrying me.

Up to now, you've managed your end here and i've handled mine.

We got along pretty well.

And we always will.

I hope so.

All i know is Frances Lewis turns up again,

smiles at you, and you forgive her for everything.

That's my business.

Then keep it that way,

and you won't mind if i keep her out of my end of the business.

Danny, in everything else, you can call the shots.

I wish i could say i'd keep away from Frances Lewis,

but what's the use? i'd be lying.

You've got to do the show her way.

It's no dice, Mike.

You've got to.

I promised her the show.

I'd probably jump through that window if it'd hand her a laugh,

and there's nothing i can do.

I'm not changing the show, Mike.

You'll have to if we're going to stick.

Sounds like you're giving me a choice.

I am.

I'll be in my office, you can let me know.

I'm letting you know right now.

What happened?

It looked bad from here.

It is bad.

- We are splitting. - You and Mike?

Whatever you're trying to say, don't.

I'll call the bookkeepers in and have the accounts straightened out.

Okay.

The lawyers can take care of all the contracts.

Okay.

I'll get my stuff out of our apartment tonight.

I should've walked out of that control room

and kept right on going.

Well, what do you want me to do?

First, sock me right in the jaw to even things up,

then let me take Off-beat

and go and rehearse Frances' number with her.

I'll take Off-beat and rehearse her numbers.

Danny, that'll make everything perfect.

Well?

You can stop worrying.

You mean, you and Mike--

Right, but we've got to rehearse Frances Lewis.

Aw, I knew there was a catch in it!

Come on, come on.

If i had 90 bucks, I'd retire.

["A-TWIDDLIN' MY THUMBS" PLAYING]

KITTY: ♪ Life is a dull affair ♪

♪ Seems that... ♪

Listen to her, Off-beat.

Three years of married life has certainly worked miracles.

KITTY: ♪ ...cracked up to be ♪

♪ Love is a bitter cup ♪

♪ I feel like giving up ♪

♪ You would too if you were me ♪

♪ Now i've written to Beatrice Fairfax ♪

♪ I've even tried Bernarr Macfadden ♪

♪ I don't need Aladdin's Lamp ♪

♪ But i sure could use Aladdin ♪

♪ Now you won't have to remind me ♪

♪ I'll know love when it comes ♪

♪ But right now you can always find me ♪

♪ A-twiddlin' my thumbs ♪

♪ One and one make a twosome ♪

♪ I'm way up on my sums ♪

♪ But the evenings are long and gruesome ♪

♪ A-twiddlin' my thumbs ♪

♪ Every guy seems to pass me by ♪

♪ I never ever catch a beau ♪

♪ People say i should wish and pray ♪

♪ But wishing won't make it so ♪

♪ Please romance Let the sun in ♪

♪ Make my heart beat like drums ♪

♪ Can't you see There just ain't no fun in ♪

♪ A-twiddlin' my thumbs ♪

♪ I once met Gable's double ♪

♪ But we wound up just chums ♪

♪ Heaven knows i can't get in trouble ♪

♪ A-twiddlin' my thumbs ♪

♪ A-twiddlin' my thumbs ♪

♪ A-twiddlin' my thumbs ♪

♪ Heaven help an agent on a night like this ♪

Oh!

Oh, my!

- Hey, wait a minute. - Hold it.

Miss Lewis isn't home.

We just want you to sing again.

But Miss Lewis isn't home.

- Where is she? - She's out to dinner.

- I don't think i-- - Try to follow him.

But, Mister--

♪ Will you pardon me if i cut in ♪

♪ I don't mean to butt in ♪

♪ But then remember me I came with you ♪

♪ And if it's all the same to you ♪

♪ Tell me what good is the moonlight ♪

♪ The stars and the starlight ♪

♪ What good is romance ♪

♪ But obviously the gentleman prefers to dance ♪

♪ His terpsichoring is grand But it's boring ♪

[LAUGHTER]

Good evening.

Good night.

Well, if it isn't Ali Baba and his pet thief.

Meet Off-beat and Mr. Collins.

No relation to Tom.

This is Jimmy Talbot, the tobacco king.

Give them one of your cigarettes, Jimmy.

I am sorry, I never smoke them.

Isn't he cute?

You'd better go up to bed, dear.

To bed, to bed, said sleepy-head.

To bed, to bed, said sleepy-head.

Here, here. Right there.

Call you later.

She'll be busy later.

I'll phone you in the morning, darling.

Good night.

There goes 30 million dollars.

What do you think of that?

Me spending the evening with 30 million dollars.

If i'm a good girl, I'm going to spend lots and lots of evenings with him.

Let's everybody have a little drink.

If i didn't know better, I'd think i was tight.

Go home, will you? And leave me alone.

What are you doing here anyway?

Mike sent us to tell you that we're changing the show your way.

It's going to be a Frances Lewis Hour.

A whole show all my own?

Will it have a top spot on the air?

Before we go into that, I'd like to make one thing clear.

You owe this to Mike.

He'd do anything for you, I don't suppose that's news.

Mike's just my agent.

I never told him there was anything more to the deal.

And you never told him there wasn't.

I'd be glad to straighten him out.

What about the show?

I've got to rehearse.

♪ Time out for rhythm Time out for rhythm ♪

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello. Hello, Mike.

How goes it, Danny?

What did Frances say when you told her?

She practically collapsed.

Let me talk to her.

I wouldn't disturb her now, she's resting.

Tell her i called,

and i'll pick her up in the morning.

Thanks again, Danny.

Okay, so long.

I've got to rehearse my numbers.

♪ Time out for rhythm ♪

- Not tonight. - You better get some shut eye.

Kitty, yoo-hoo, Kitty.

- Good night. - Good night.

- Good night. - I'll see you in the morning.

Good night.

Why didn't you give Mike the real lowdown?

What's the use?

He wouldn't believe it if he saw it himself.

What about tomorrow? She's gonna be a tired nightingale.

When i think of the dirty deal that Joan Merrill is getting and all for...

I read an original story once where the star busted her leg,

and the understudy went on.

We'd better have an understudy ready.

Joan knows some of the routines,

but we'll need another girl for the production numbers.

Production numbers.

There go two of them now.

- What's your name? - Kitty.

Yes, I know that. What's the rest?

- Kitty Brown. - Wanna see your name in lights?

Sure you do.

Want a chance to break into show business?

From stooge to stage.

- Wait-- - Can't wait, no time.

We'll have to work all night to get up the numbers.

Get her to the office,

-and i'll phone the band. - What?

- What are you talking about? - Shh, quiet.

You belong to us. We discovered you.

But, what? Hey!

FRANCES: Kitty, what's taking you so long?

Patience, Duchess,

I'll be with you in a fortnight.

["AS IF YOU DIDN'T KNOW" PLAYING]

♪ Here i am saying I love you? ♪

♪ As if you didn't know ♪

♪ Dreaming But constantly of you ♪

♪ As if you didn't know ♪

♪ It sure was fun while it lasted ♪

♪ Two hearts sang in tune ♪

♪ We reached our peak But we passed it ♪

♪ It ended too soon ♪

♪ I could tell you how much i've missed you ♪

♪ As if you didn't know ♪

♪ Tell you i've tried to resist you ♪

♪ As if you didn't know ♪

♪ I think of you And i quiver

♪ I tingle ♪

♪ I glow ♪

♪ I want you to love me ♪

♪ As if you didn't know ♪

[RECITING] Oh, I guess it's silly of me to keep saying

I've missed you

You must have known it all the time

All my friends knew

It took all my pride To make believe i didn't care 'cause i did

Remember all the fun we used to have

All the laughs

Early morning rides

Through Central Park In our favorite hansom cab

And the time we made the driver Sit in the carriage while we drove

It was snowing

You took one rein I took the other

Oh, what was that horse's name?

Oh, Penelope

Silly name for a horse

And that first quarrel

Well how did i know She was really your sister?

You walked out

I tried calling you

And you tried calling me at the same time

Of course both lines would be busy

That was all so long ago But somehow all those things

Will always remain a part of me

Do you mind?

♪ I think of you and i quiver

♪ I tingle i glow ♪

♪ I need you so badly ♪

♪ As if ♪

♪ You didn't know ♪

Well?

Okay for sound, but we should hear Miss Lewis herself.

She hasn't shown up yet.

But we're on in 15 minutes.

- I know, let's keep going. - Right.

Kitty, run over your numbers again, will you?

I'm on my way, sir.

All this trouble for Frances Lewis, and then she does a run-out on us.

Maybe the poor girl was suddenly taken drunk again.

Yes, I know.

- Heads! - Heads!

Nyuck! Nyuck! Nyuck!

Stand where you are, see.

Right where you are, see.

-[LAUGHS] [LAUGHS]

[LAUGHS]

Oh!

But i'm late for a broadcast.

You've got to let me go.

We got our orders, see?

We cut the swag up even. I take half.

I take half.

- I get the rest. - Okay.

It's a deal.

Don't move from that spot, see?

We already got X's on the floor, see?

MOE: See?

Nobody answers the phone.

The maid can't be out.

Hurry up, she may be sick or something.

Hurry, will you?

Frances!

- FRANCES: Mike! - Francie!

Mike, these men are gangsters.

[NERVOUS LAUGHTER]

These dopes aren't even men. What are you doing here?

Acting.

- Acting? - Certainly.

Now, do we get the parts we was promised?

Who promised you?

Off-Beat and Mr. Collins.

How much you going to give us?

MIKE: I'll give you just one second to get out of here.

You heard him, scram.

Ha-ha. I heard him too.

- Are you all right, honey? - Yes.

Hello, this is Mike Armstrong. Put me through to the television audition.

Mike, why did Danny hire these men to keep me here?

Just a second.

What's that?

What?

What?

"Audition in five minutes"?

But that's impossible. Miss Lewis is right here.

But Miss Merrill and Miss Brown are taking her place.

Yeah.

They're going through with the audition with Joan Merrill and some other girl.

Danny must have planned it this way all along.

Five minutes. Maybe i can still make it. I'll see you, honey.

["OBVIOUSLY THE GENTLEMAN PREFERS TO DANCE" PLAYING]

♪ Will you pardon me if i cut in? ♪

♪ I don't like to butt in but then ♪

♪ Remember me? I came with you ♪

♪ And if it's all the same with you ♪

♪ Here we are, alone at last ♪

♪ But i'm getting nowhere fast ♪

♪ Tell me What good's the moonlight ♪

♪ The stars and the starlight? ♪

♪ What good is romance? ♪

♪ Obviously the gentleman prefers to dance ♪

♪ His terpsichoring is grand ♪

♪ Still it's boring He makes no advance ♪

A one, a two, a three, a four.

♪ Obviously the gentleman prefers to dance ♪

♪ He would rather rumba What is he thinking of? ♪

♪ Well, have you ever tried to rumba ♪

♪ When you're in love? ♪

♪ Nothin' can happen while he keeps a-tappin' ♪

♪ I haven't a chance ♪

♪ Obviously the gentleman prefers to ♪

-♪ Dance ♪ - CHORUS: ♪ Dance ♪

-♪ Dance ♪ - CHORUS: ♪ Dance ♪

-♪ Dance ♪ - CHORUS: ♪ Dance ♪

♪ Might as well forget romance ♪

CHORUS: ♪ Oh, what good's the moonlight ♪

♪ The stars and the starlight? ♪

KITTY: ♪ What good is romance? ♪

CHORUS: ♪ What good is romance? ♪

♪ Obviously the gentleman prefers to dance ♪

♪ Dance, dance, dance ♪

♪ His terpsichoring is grand ♪

♪ But it's boring Makes no advance ♪

♪ Obviously the gentleman Prefers to dance ♪

- KITTY: ♪ Prefers ♪ - CHORUS: ♪ To dance ♪

♪ He would rather rumba ♪

♪ What is he trying to do? ♪

♪ Did you ever try to rumba When you're in love? ♪

♪ Nothin' can happen He keeps a-tappin' ♪

KITTY: ♪ Obviously ♪

CHORUS: ♪ The gentleman prefers to Dance, dance, dance ♪

♪ Might as well forget romance ♪

♪ Nothin' can happen while he keeps a-tappin' ♪

♪ I haven't a chance ♪

♪ Obviously the gentleman prefers to dance ♪

- CHORUS: ♪ Dance ♪ -♪ Dance ♪

- CHORUS: ♪ Dance ♪ -♪ Dance ♪

CHORUS: ♪ Dance ♪

♪ Might as well forget romance ♪

BOTH [IN UNISON]: ♪ Obviously ♪

You better hurry, Mr. Armstrong, your program's just starting.

Just in time, Mr. Armstrong, your show's just starting.

- Cut it off. - Cut it off?

The program's canceled.

All right, hold it, Glen.

Hold that music.

Stop it!

Mike, what are you doing?

Busting up a partnership.

DANNY: You know she can do the part.

Maybe she can, Danny, but she won't sell any tickets.

Why not? People always like to see fresh talent.

Oh, it's no use, Danny.

Right now i'm only looking for a top name.

Thanks, Miss Brown. Maybe some other time.

Well, anyway, we're getting closer.

He liked me.

We've certainly had a sensational run of auditions.

Go ahead and change, Kitty. We'll wait for you.

All right.

LARRY: Mr. Off-Beat.

Mr. Collins, your worries are over.

- Yeah, they're over. - Are they?

Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk.

We'll serve you a hunk of the slice of the drama.

It's a sort of a kind of our own, like.

It's an orig.

Stand by.

Spread out, make it look like a big act.

Take this part.

Not me.

Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk.

- Come on, take it. - Not me.

[GROWLS]

Hey, are you suffering from clean underwear?

Pick out two fingers.

One, two-- [GROANS]

Pick out two fingers...

Take this part.

I'll take it when i'm ready.

- Are you ready? - Yeah, I'm ready. Yes. Oh!

The drama.

Ta-da-da!

"Pay me the $50,000,

or i shall foreclose the mortgage, you rat."

"I will not pay you the money."

"Pay me the $50,000,

or i shall foreclose the mortgage, you rodent.”

"I will not pay you the money."

[BARKS]

[GROANS]

"Pay me the"--

"Pay me the"--

[LAUGHS]

"Pay me the $50,000,

or i shall foreclose the mortgage, you viper."

[LAUGHS]

For Pete's sake, pay him the money.

- That's fine, boys, fine. - STOOGES: He likes it.

I got a great spot for 'em.

How'd you like to join the biggest act in town?

- STOOGES: Oh, boy. - Fifty-two weeks without a layoff.

STOOGES: Whoo!

- OFF-BEAT: They even supply the costumes. - Where?

Bartlett Building, number 248, local draft board.

Let's hurry up before somebody beats us to it.

[CURLY WHOOPING]

Where do we go from here?

Let's go to the Salvation Army, at least we'll see a kind face.

Hurry up with that sandwich, Off-Beat.

OFF-BEAT: Why hurry?

Gotta set that deal. I want to look over those contracts.

What contracts?

Hello, Off-Beat.

Hiya, Mike.

How's things going?

Oh, they couldn't be better.

Things are going great with me too.

They are?

MIKE: Yeah, but i'm kind of fed up with this agency business. I may retire.

Guess you heard i'm getting hitched?

- Frances? - Who else?

But first, she wants to take another fling at the top,

wants to quit a champ... you know how it is.

OFF-BEAT: Sure. How you gonna manage it?

I, um...

I bought a piece of the Skyline Room.

- OFF-BEAT: You? The Skyline Room? - MIKE: Why not?

I was looking for a good investment. Frances is up there now.

The biggest spot in town, she can't miss.

I'm gonna cash in both ways.

Let's go, Off-Beat.

I haven't finished.

We can't keep those people waiting.

Glad to hear you're doing so well, Off-Beat.

Thanks, Mike.

DANNY: Let's go.

So long, Mike.

So long, kid.

What's it gonna be, Mr. Armstrong?

Ham on rye and a cup of coffee.

Coming right up.

Take your time, I got plenty of it.

Hello, Kitty.

How'd it go?

Anybody call?

Three salesmen, a Gallup poll, and a wrong number.

Come in.

Met Mike at lunch.

My soup was cooled off with the chill they gave each other.

Off-Beat, we've got to do something.

Get them together again. They're...

They're just lost without each other.

If we could only sell one of his ideas, anything to give him confidence.

Danny,

what are you worrying about?

You were the biggest agent in town before, and you will be again.

I wasn't, we were.

Why don't you see Mike?

Let's talk about something else.

You haven't opened your mail.

There isn't anything in it.

You can never tell.

You know, I heard of a fella

who left a letter kicking around for weeks,

and when he opened it,

he found his uncle had left him $50,000.

I haven't any uncle.

Well, maybe you befriended a poor old lady?

Not even a poor young lady.

Yes, you did.

She never had a chance until you came along.

With a lot of promises that didn't pay off.

You're still my agent, aren't you?

If you can take it.

Danny, you're not going to give up trying, are you?

What's the use of kidding myself?

I've been everywhere, I've tried everything.

And you're going to keep right on trying.

I suppose so.

Now, listen, mister.

Okay, you win.

This is all in reverse. I should be cheering you up.

Kitty, darling, you're wonderful.

Go on, Mr. Collins.

You have no idea how you're cheering me up.

[♪♪♪]

STOOGES [HARMONIZING]: ♪ Telegram for Mr. Collins ♪

I'll sign for it.

Is it possible?

If you're possible, we are too.

This place is beginning to look like the chamber of horrors.

Oh, I remember you.

Oh, no! No!

Oh, I never forget a face.

Well, you better go home, sister, 'cause you forgot it today.

Imagine five things like us in one room.

I can't stand it.

Forward march!

STOOGES: ♪ A happy telegram to you Delivered direct ♪

♪ We hope it's good news ♪

♪ For it's a dollar collect ♪

OFF-BEAT: What kind of an act is this?

You told us to get in uniform.

- Laughing yet? - Nyuk, nyuk.

We are here.

We've joined the service.

Mon capitaine.

Ooh! What did i do now?

Insubordination.

Boys, it isn't that i'm busy, but...

LARRY & MOE [IN UNISON]: We carry messages,

no matter what the weather.

When the vapor is condensed to fine particles

in the lower part of the atmosphere

and disturbing its transparency,

or loosely, any murky or thick condition so diffused as to lessen the sight,

we trod patiently through the...

Fog.

- Mist. - Oh!

And...

LARRY & MOE [IN UNISON]: As the fickle seasons change

and barometric measurements signify a low pressure,

and step-outs are glad to be called step-ins,

a slimy, pasty mixture of terra firma and H20,

creating a bog peat, swamp or pen,

we still trudge diligently through the...

- Muck. - Mire.

Oh, hiya, Mire.

- Hiya, Muck. - Hiya.

Oh!

Part three.

When...

LARRY & MOE [IN UNISON]J: Mother Nature dons her white dress,

and the aurora borealis holds sway,

we, the precursors, the harbingers of all that's good,

ooze our way through the snow.

- Hmm, snow. - MOE: And so, mon capitaine,

we bring a very important message to you.

Where is it?

- Ah! - What'd you do that for?

- I'm in no mood for clowning. - This is no act.

We're working for the company, we had a message for you.

How do you know?

- We read it. - What did it say?

Do you think i'm a stool pigeon? Hmm.

"What have you got that's fresh Wednesday?"

_"Stop." -"What for?"

"What have you got that's fresh Wednesday?"

-"Want nothing." _"Stop."

-"Arriving." _"Stop."

-"Hollywood." _"Stop."

-"Talmus"? _"Stop."

-"Entical"? -"But..."

Ooh! Stop!

Doesn't make sense to me.

It's a lot of fun though, let's try it again. Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk.

"Arriving Wednesday. Stop.

Want nothing but new talent for Hollywood musical. Stop.

What have you got that's fresh?

Stop. Regards..."

"James Anderson."

You know who that is?

Sure, he runs Monarch Studios.

He's the guy that promises girls jobs in pictures

and then really does it.

- Hollywood, here we come! - Let's rush home and pack.

[CURLY WHOOPING]

We're packed.

- Hello, Glen. - Who do you think it is?

Get the boys, we've got an audition for Anderson.

- Joanie, get... - Anderson, the Hollywood producer.

James Anderson. Sure, it's on the level. We just got a wire.

I don't know yet. I'll let you know. Kitty.

It's the biggest break we've had.

I'll let you know where we do our stuff later.

Look at this.

James J. Anderson from Hollywood, he wants to see our talent.

Danny, you have a rich uncle after all.

We'll stage a show that'll pull him out of his chair.

- Gonna build it around you and Joan. - We'll put it on in the audition room.

We'll throw every trick in the book at him.

It's gotta be big to impress Anderson.

Maybe we can rent Grand Central Station?

I have it, the Skyline Club.

It's the smartest place in town. Why, it's got everything.

She's right, Danny.

That's out. You know the Skyline Club's Mike's place.

What of it? You did him plenty of favors when you were partners.

We're no longer partners.

But, Danny, think what this is going to mean to you.

Oh, you've got to ask him.

He'd turn me down.

Not if he were approached by the right person.

- Who do you mean? - Frances Lewis!

Mike will do anything for her.

Sell her a bill of goods. Tell her the audition is hers.

If she likes the material, after Anderson sees the show,

she can have it.

You know you'll have a good show,

and we do Mike a good turn at the same time.

Danny, please.

All right, I'll try.

There's a couple more numbers, Frances, if you'd like to hear them?

No, thanks.

Joan, Glen, you and the boys wait backstage for me, will you?

Well, Frances, are you convinced?

Mike's the one you have to convince.

He'll do anything you say.

Please, Frances, you've got to let them go on.

Just one night, that's all i'm asking.

It can't hurt you or Mike,

and i know it'll mean Hollywood to all those kids.

I think it would, Danny. You've got some great material here.

Anderson will go for it, anybody would.

- Then you'll talk to Mike? - Mm-hmm.

Hallelujah! We're in. She said yes.

I've always wanted to see you and Mike get back together. Maybe this will do it.

Maybe. If it's all right with you, we'll play the supper show for Anderson.

We'll be out of your way by midnight.

- There's just one thing, Danny. - What's that?

Your whole show is built around those girls.

That's right.

You've developed some wonderful material for them.

The kind of thing i'd like to do myself.

You can have all of it after tomorrow night.

That's not good enough.

Just what do you want?

I want Anderson to hear me sing those songs.

But you've got a wedding coming up. I thought you were going to retire?

I thought i was, too, until i saw your show.

You've got something i believe in.

I'll give you your chance, Danny, but you've got to give me mine.

A great chance.

You double-cross Mike, I double-cross Kitty,

and we both double-cross each other.

No thanks.

Well?

All right, gang, go on home.

What happened?

She wants the whole show to herself.

It's an old Frances Lewis custom.

Off-Beat, what are we gonna do?

I've got a solution,

beginning with an ax murder.

Aw, Kitty, it's not so tough.

But it is.

Danny's in love with me.

Yeah, I know.

And i'm in love with him.

Well, is that bad?

Off-Beat, that show's going on tomorrow night,

it's going on here.

With Frances Lewis and the rest of the gang.

Oh, yeah? How about you?

I was looking for a job when i came here.

I really haven't lost anything.

Danny won't let you quit, he'll drag you back.

He won't be able to find me.

Oh, Kitty, no.

Can you show me any other way?

No.

Any word from Miss Brown?

No, sir.

Why would she disappear?

Maybe something happened to her, an accident?

Oh, no, Danny, it's nothin' like that.

It's just that... well...

Yes, I know. I'm just kidding myself.

I don't blame her for walking out on me.

But how about the rest of us?

We didn't walk out on you.

Frances Lewis called again this morning.

She still has a yen for Hollywood.

There's no reason why she shouldn't be in the show now, is there?

No reason.

No reason at all.

Get me Frances Lewis at the Skyline Room.

We'll let Mike find out once and for all

that he's playing second fiddle to her career.

Stop drooling, Brenda.

Hello, Adonis Escort Bureau. I want to place an order--

Send us two men. Yeah, we want--

Make mine tall, blond, eager--

And near-sighted.

Make mine mine.

What?

Wow! They're on their way over.

Lend me your red ink, Brenda, I'm all out of rouge.

You can have it soon as i blot my lips.

[GASPS] Eye shadow. Eye shadow.

Pass me the carbon paper.

Oh, don't get excited, wait till i finish.

Oh, don't you think eye shadow makes me look exotic?

Oh, darn, my hair would look awful today.

I told you not to hang it where the dog could get at it.

MANAGER: Check your house lights.

Good evening, Mr. Collins.

Hello, Joe, everything all right?

It will be.

- FRANCES: Who is it? - It's Danny Collins.

Oh, come in, Danny.

I'm on my way to pick up Anderson. Anything on your mind?

Won't have a chance to talk to you again before the show.

You made those changes in "Time Out for Rhythm"?

All taken care of.

By the way, Joan Merrill is nervous about opening the show.

I'm going on with her.

Your rumba number will follow.

Anything you say.

Give us a good show.

MIKE: Hello!

Oh, hello.

Been trying to see you for a couple of days.

You've been dodging me?

No, I've a lot to do, I've been pretty busy.

I saw the rehearsal.

Thanks for bringing the show to my place.

You can thank Frances for that.

If the show's a hit,

we'll have to get together and cook up a deal for the rest of the run.

Okay.

You better start looking for a new leading lady, you know,

- Frances and me are-- - Yes, I know.

How you been doing?

Rotten.

Me too. [CHUCKLES]

Good luck, Danny.

Thanks, Mike.

I'm having dinner with Frances tonight.

It'll taste better now.

- Did you enjoy your trip, Mr. Anderson? - Yes, indeed. Very comfortable.

Well, Mike's doing all right, isn't he?

I hope my talent lives up to it.

Good evening, Mr. Collins.

Good evening, Mr. Anderson's table.

Right this way.

Gentlemen...

Will you go ahead with dinner?

I want to make sure everything is ready.

It better be. [CHUCKLES]

- Everybody here? - Yeah, and Mike's here too.

Yes, I know, I just shook hands with him.

I hate to go through with this, Off-Beat.

But you gotta. Everything's set.

Yes, and everything will be upset if Mike sees Anderson out front

and realizes the audition is for Hollywood.

He thinks the show's for this spot. He's even talked about a contract.

I get it. Frances didn't tell him, huh?

Right.

I'll be out front, slugging anybody that don't applaud.

My makeup, Mike.

Look, if Mike gets wise Frances has her eye on Hollywood,

he'll stop us before we start.

Keep him back here.

Okay.

- Mike! - Yeah, Off-Beat, what is it?

I wish you wouldn't...

I wouldn't what?

I wish you wouldn't...

Wouldn't what?

You're going out front, ain't ya?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

What's the matter with you?

Oh, stupid!

- MOE: Somebody call us? - Somebody call?

- Somebody? - Stupidity!

- We're technical experts. - I'm ignorant.

- Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk. - And how.

All right, boys, later.

What's the matter?

You heard what he said. Later.

You heard what he said. Later.

- You heard what he said... - Later.

Hmm.

Yeah. That's what you get, see?

- Not now? - Later.

- Ready, Off-Beat? - Okay.

Lights!

[DRUM ROLL]

Jimmy Anderson.

Hello, Mike.

Why didn't you let me know you were in town?

- Didn't Danny tell you? - Why, no.

♪ Did anyone ever tell you you're charming? ♪

♪ Did anyone ever tell you you're sweet? ♪

♪ Did anyone ever tell you that you're... ♪

♪ I don't know you're simply so complete? ♪

♪ If anyone ever tells you you're charming ♪

♪ If anyone ever tells you agree ♪

♪ If anyone ever tells you what i've tried to say ♪

♪ They were only speaking for me ♪

♪ Here i am saying i love you ♪

♪ As if you didn't know ♪

♪ Dreaming but constantly of you ♪

♪ As if you didn't know ♪

♪ When i recall our first meeting ♪

♪ And things i said then ♪

♪ I find they're all worth repeating ♪

♪ Again and again ♪

♪ So once more i say i adore you ♪

♪ As if you didn't know ♪

♪ Life was just nothing before you ♪

♪ As if you didn't know ♪

♪ I think of you and i quiver ♪

♪ I tingle ♪

-♪ I glow ♪ -♪ I glow ♪

♪ I love so to love you ♪

♪ As if ♪

♪ You didn't know ♪

That's the only reason i'm here, didn't you know?

Now, let me get this straight.

If you like the show, you'll sign them for Hollywood.

That's right.

I thought you owned a piece of this place.

Mike.

Outside, you.

Outside!

I just talked to Anderson.

If he likes you, you're gonna take a powder on me, aren't you?

- Mike, I'm on in a minute. - Aren't you?

Later, after the show.

I want you to see my side of it.

This whole setup is to sell you to Anderson.

That's why you wanted me away.

You want the show to go on, you want to sign up with him, don't you?

- I've got to go on. - Answer me!

I won't.

I can't, not like this.

Tell me now, yes or no.

All right, yes, if you want it this way.

Yes, huh?

I was going to tell you about it later, about the show, about me...

I've tried to give it up,

I wanted to, really, for you,

but this came along.

It's my last chance, Mike, I couldn't let it slip.

If i'm washed up, okay, I'll marry you and settle down.

But i've got to find out.

- I've got to. - Go on.

No matter how much i love you, Mike, I love this more.

I can't help it.

As long as there's a chance for me, I'm going after it.

Francie--

Nothing and nobody can stop me.

Oh, it's got to be this way, Mike, or not at all.

I see what you mean, and you've said a mouthful.

You don't need me. You don't need anybody, you'll get along.

Mike, I never wanted to hurt you.

I don't want to hurt you now.

Don't worry, there's nothing left to hurt.

You can go to Hollywood...

but I'm checking myself off your patsy list.

Get yourself another agent.

Another patsy, and get yourself out of my nightclub.

What about you and Danny?

That's my next stop!

- Now, Mike. - Where's Danny?

- Wait a minute. - Get out of my way.

- Wait a minute. - Get out of my way.

Mike, don't be hasty.

I'm tellin' ya, Off-Beat, this is none of your business.

You've got Danny all wrong.

You're right, he's even lower than I figured.

Give him air.

Break it up, break it up. What's going on here?

What happened to him?

- Never mind him, where's Miss Lewis? - She's not going on.

- Why not? - Mike.

- Who's gonna do the rumba number? - You tell me.

Did you send for us?

We're rumba experts.

This is "Rio de Janeiro”, the rumba number, beat it.

- Wait a minute, watch this. - Give him an audition.

That's great.

- Colossal. - Putrid.

He liked it, we rumba.

- We rumba. - We rumba.

Hey, what's rumba?

- Who cares? - You gotta have fruit.

I have to have fruit. Gotta get fruit.

- We-- - Have to make a change.

Come on.

[WHISTLES] Waiter!

Oh!

Oh, a "maraschiny" cherry. At ease, chappie.

Fruit. Gotta have fruit.

Couldn't you have just stopped me and tell me what Danny was getting at?

A monkey wrench is an awful good convincer.

Yeah.

Mike, what about the rest of the show?

I'll ask Frances to finish, for Danny's sake.

If it's for Danny's sake, I've got ideas of my own.

Huh?

Well, come on.

How'd you like the number?

I don't know, I didn't hear it.

Mike was so busy asking questions.

Mike, huh?

- Now, maybe i can hear the rest of it. - Maybe.

['RIO DE JANEIRO" PLAYING]

[SHOUTING IN INVENTED LANGUAGE]

[IN UNISON] ♪ Come do the brand-new Rio de Janeiro ♪

♪ For you, there ain't no dance That will compare-o ♪

♪ The moves are all simple ♪

♪ We'll define them ♪

♪ First you do this ♪

♪ Then you do that ♪

♪ And then combine them ♪

[IN UNISON] ♪ Forget the fact That you are not a Latin ♪

♪ And dance the dance They're doing in Manhattan ♪

♪ I'll bet you will love To find out whether ♪

♪ You can do this ♪

♪ And then do that ♪

[IN UNISON] ♪ Then both together ♪

♪ Rumba ♪

STOOGES: ♪ You'll forget the conga ♪

♪ You'll forget the bonga ♪

♪ Ask Madame la Zonga And she's sure to say ♪

♪ Today ♪

♪ I'm teaching them the new Janeiro ♪

♪ It's gay and it will make Two people care-o ♪

♪ They sway just like Rogers and Astaire-o ♪

BRENDA & COBINA. ♪ First you do this ♪

STOOGES: ♪ Then you do that ♪

♪ It's the Janeiro ♪

[MUSIC STOPS]

[LAUGHS]

Fine, great.

Now what?

That's about all we can show you.

Where's the girl you were building up?

And what about that "Time Out for Rhythm" number?

I'm afraid you won't be able to see it tonight.

[DRUM ROLL]

Wait a minute, maybe you will yet.

["TIME OUT FOR RHYTHM" PLAYING]

CHORUS: ♪ Time out for dancing ♪

♪ Wanna see some dancing ♪

♪ Send us lightly if you will ♪

♪ Time out for swinging ♪

♪ Fancy buck and winging ♪

♪ Ain't you tired of standing still? ♪

♪ Rhythm's what counts Makes you feel alive ♪

♪ Rock, let it bounce ♪

♪ And before you take five Come on and dig it ♪

♪ Time out for music ♪

♪ Gotta have some rhythm ♪

♪ Give it the downbeat, please ♪

♪ Time out for conga ♪

♪ Gotta have some bonga ♪

♪ Time out for rhythm ♪

♪ Gotta have some rhythm ♪

♪ Time out for Off-Beat ♪

♪ Time out for Pee Wee ♪

♪ Brenda, Cobina, The Stooges ♪

♪ Time out for rhythm ♪

♪ Gotta have some rhythm ♪

♪ Conga ♪

♪ Swing time ♪

♪ Music ♪

♪ Give it the downbeat That go-to-town beat ♪

♪ Give it the downbeat swing ♪

[APPLAUSE]

[♪♪♪]