Original subtitles

[♪♪♪]

IRIS [IN VOICEOVER]: I have found almost everything ever written about love

to be true.

Shakespeare said, "Journeys end in lovers meeting."

Oh, what an extraordinary thought.

Personally, I have not experienced anything remotely close to that,

but I'm more than willing to believe Shakespeare had.

I suppose I think about love more than anyone really should.

I'm constantly amazed by its sheer power to alter and define our lives.

It was Shakespeare who also said, "Love is blind."

Now, that is something I know to be true.

[♪♪♪]

For some, quite inexplicably,

love fades.

For others,

love is simply lost.

But then, of course, love can also be found.

Even if just for the night.

And then there's another kind of love.

The cruelest kind.

The one that almost kills its victims.

It's called unrequited love.

Of that, I am an expert.

Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other.

But what about the rest of us? What about our stories?

Those of us who fall in love alone.

We are the victims of the one-sided affair.

We are the cursed of the loved ones.

We are the unloved ones. The walking wounded.

The handicapped without the advantage of a great parking space.

Yes, you are looking at one such individual.

And I have willingly loved

that man for over three miserable years.

The absolute worst years of my life.

The worst Christmases, the worst birthdays.

New Year's Eves brought in by tears and Valium.

These years that I've been in love have been the darkest days of my life

all because I've been cursed by being in love with a man

who does not and will not love me back.

Oh, God, just the sight of him.

Heart pounding, throat thickening, absolutely can't swallow.

All the usual symptoms.

Uh-oh. Oh, Jasper.

Don't tell me you're still-- No, no, no, that's over. Very over.

What's the story with you two anyway? You were shagging him, weren't you?

More importantly, I was in love with him, truth be known.

Yes, yes. I remember. Then you found out he was shagging that drip from Circulation.

Which is when I stopped shagging him.

I don't think we should be talking about this at the office party.

But I always see you two together.

He cheated on you, but you stayed friends?

I was head over heels, you know? Everyone knew.

Does it look like I'm crying right now? No, no, no.

No, it just looks like it's the smoke from my cigarette.

Did he ever actually tell you that he loved you back?

Yes. Three, almost four times. And when I reminded him of that,

he said that it must have been as an answer to a question.

Which, by the way, it absolutely was not.

You know, Iris, when you catch your guy with another woman,

you're not supposed to stay friends with him.

You're supposed to never talk to the prick again.

You're supposed to throw things at him, scream, call him names.

Not do his blooming laundry.

I don't do his laundry.

Did someone tell you I do his laundry?

No, no, all we do now is...

We... We e-mail.

Not when he's with her, of course.

Also when he's not with her, we talk on the phone.

Sometimes for hours. And then there's the occasional long lunch.

You know, I never realized how pathetic you are.

Really?

Oh, God. I'm so aware of it.

They always know just how to get us, don't they?

He knows whenever he wants to come crawling back into your life--

Actually, he has made some small comments like that recently.

He hasn't exactly come right out and said it--

Iris? Yeah.

Did you file your story? Oh, no, not yet.

Oh, down to the wire. Sorry.

Better go.

[♪♪♪]

--Groom's best friend spoke

for many guests when he said, "Hilary...

will open Edward's eyes

and round out his life."

JASPER: Okay, I've got a question for you.

[SIGHS]

What's it like to be the only person committed to their work

while the rest of us are slumming?

You mean what's it like to be the only person

not to finish their work on time?

Hold on. Don't-- Don't go.

Is it fun having a brain that works that fast?

[CHUCKLES] Shut up. No, I mean it.

Probably a brilliant finish too.

I assure you it's not.

Hi, Simpkey. Hi.

[♪♪♪]

Your column today was fantastic.

God, I loved that line. Um...

"The onrushing stripping of dignity and thought from British lives."

Great writing.

Hey, I got you something for Christmas.

That's convenient because I got you something too.

Oh.

Darling, I don't actually have my gift with me.

In fact, I probably mislaid it, but I know I got you something.

I suspect it's somewhere in my car. Do you wanna know what it is?

No. No, no, that's okay.

I know you're gonna look hot in it.

Well, let's hope you find it, then.

Not exactly something hot,

but happy Christmas.

Thank you.

I didn't think we'd get a chance to do this, this year.

Remember last Christmas, we exchanged gifts in March.

This is good.

We're getting better.

You stinker.

[GIGGLES]

It's a first edition.

Where did you find it?

Buried in that little place we found in Covent Garden that time.

Why are you so great?

[SIGHS]

HUGH: Everyone, can I have your attention, please?

Just a couple of minutes. Thank you.

I hate it that we can never talk.

[WHISPERS] Hate it.

Well, first of all, a very happy Christmas to each and every one of you.

ALL: Happy Christmas.

HUGH: Now, we're not officially closed, as you very well know.

But we are going to try and get by this week

with a smaller-than-normal staff.

[PEOPLE APPLAUD AND WHISTLE]

Now, before some of you rush off on holiday,

I do have one rather important announcement. Um...

Now, this affects Iris.

Iris Simpkins, where are you? Um...

HUGH: Ah. Here, sir.

Iris, I have a tip for you. Excellent.

HUGH: A wedding was privately announced earlier today

that I don't believe any other paper in town knows about.

And I want you to be the first to report on this particular union,

as it is between two of our most esteemed colleagues.

May I introduce the newly engaged Sarah Smith-Alcott

and Jasper Bloom!

[PEOPLE APPLAUDING]

Come on.

[CHUCKLING]

[♪♪♪]

Well, if I had known this was gonna happen, I'd have worn my good suit.

[PEOPLE LAUGHING]

[JASPER CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]

[CHATTERING]

[♪♪♪]

[DOG BARKING]

[ IRIS CRYING]

[LEAF BLOWER BUZZING]

[GROANING]

[♪♪♪]

Amanda!

Amanda.

Oh!

Look, may I just say again

that I did not sleep with her? [SCOFFS]

Right, because your receptionist needs to work till 3 in the morning.

A bunch of us were working all night. She wanted to hang out.

Okay. Then swear on my life that you didn't sleep with her.

Ah, come on. Go ahead.

Look, I don't wanna-- I'm not gonna--

[GRUNTS] Your receptionist, Ethan?

You know, this is why I knew that we were smart never to get married.

This is why I told you never to get rid of your house.

You know, somewhere inside, I knew this about you.

Okay, first of all, can you please calm down?

All right, because I did not sleep with her.

All right? And secondly, we've had problems for over a year.

And I know you don't wanna deal with that, but we have.

Oh, I am well aware we've had problems for the last year.

If I work a little bit too much, I never stop hearing about it.

But if you work too much, maestro,

it's for the sake of your music. "If" you work too much?

Amanda, you cut 75 trailers this year.

You put a cutting room in the house and you sleep with your BlackBerry.

And I'm not even gonna have a conversation with you about the sex

because I can't remember the last time we did it.

Come on, nobody has time for sex.

That's not entirely true.

That's it! You absolutely slept with her!

Seriously, you have to get out. Oh, God.

You know what I really think, Ethan? Oh!

I don't think you ever really loved me.

How's that? Oh, please.

No, I think you loved the idea of you and me, but not so much me. Not me, not really.

Look, I did the best I could. ls anybody good enough for that job?

I will send you your things.

You know you do this, right?

I mean, you screw up every relationship you've ever been in.

It's what you do.

Oh. [GRUNTS]

ETHAN: You didn't really wanna be a couple!

You resist it in your own way! Shut up!

And it's hard to detect how you even do it

because nobody's quite as smart as you!

So you're hard to catch at it.

But it always surfaces and this is what happens.

What happens? Things end.

Oh. Just like you knew they would.

Amanda, you know how I feel about you. There's nobody like you.

You just don't wanna be what I need.

Well, not what I "need." What?

I mean-- You know what I mean.

You know, I would never cheat on you, not under any conditions.

Neither would I, okay?

I mean, look at me. I'm down here sweating like a pig. And look at you.

I mean, you're the only woman on the face of the Earth who breaks up with her boyfriend

and doesn't even shed a tear?

I mean, that's gotta mean something, right?

Why does it bug you so much that I can't cry?

[AMANDA GRUNTS]

Esophageal spasm.

Oh, God, it's a big one.

No, it's okay. I'll be all right. I know, I know. I'm thinking about me.

Ethan. Look, it's over.

You know, we might as well be honest with each other.

Just tell me.

Did you sleep with her?

[SIGHS] Just say it.

What's the difference at this point, right? I mean, why torture me? Just...

Just put me out of my misery.

What are we doing here--? Okay.

Yes, okay? I slept with her.

Are you happy? [GROANS]

I've been sleeping with her. She's in love with me. She's young.

Look, this is not a proud moment for me.

I mean, you should just know that.

Amanda!

[SIGHS]

Did you say, am I happy?

I didn't mean that. You know, you get me nuts sometimes, I say things I don't mean.

In the world of love, Ethan,

not that I'm such a genius at it,

but in the world of love, cheating is simply not acceptable.

No matter what you think--

I know you have a very high opinion of yourself, but this isn't all me.

Okay. So when you're not in such a rage,

I think you'll see that too. Yeah, maybe.

Maybe when I stop having visions of you two together,

I will see your side.

[GRUNTS]

You gotta be--

[GRUNTS]

[♪♪♪]

[SHRIEKING]

Punched him in the face.

[GRUNTS] [COUGHS]

Is this a bad time? No, no, I'm just--

I'm just flipping out a little bit. Oh, okay.

God. Okay-- No. I'm okay. God, why would this happen?

No. You know what? I'm all right.

Hi.

What's up?

Ben needs you.

ANNOUNCER: Rebecca Green was just your average 20-year-old.

Until the father she never knew left her something she never expected.

FRANCO [ON SCREEN]: Don't scream. Your father left you something in his will.

LOHAN: I never met my father.

At least now you know he was interesting.

ANNOUNCER: Lindsay Lohan.

James Franco.

[GUNSHOTS ON SCREEN]

Deception. LOHAN: You have two guns?

I didn't think one would be enough. [GUNSHOT]

ANNOUNCER: Christmas Day.

Amazing! It finally looks like a hit.

And that is why they pay you the big bucks.

I think we should just go back to the original cut on the end.

It's so much stronger. I agree.

And make "Christmas Day" twice as big

but try it in a red. Like a happy red, not like a Scorsese red.

Happy red.

[SIGHS]

Okay, so we're done.

Great. All right.

Hey, you know, let's just take off for a few weeks.

[LAUGHS] Yeah.

What do you mean, "Yeah"? I'm not kidding.

You always say that this is our busiest time.

I need to get out of town.

You know? I think I need some peace and quiet...

or whatever it is people go away for.

You know what I really wanna do? I...

I wanna eat carbs without wanting to kill myself.

You know, I wanna read a book. Not just a magazine. An actual book.

For years, I read these reviews, I buy the books, but I never read them.

Did you read that article in The New York Times last Sunday?

Severe stress makes women age prematurely

because stress causes the DNA in our cells to shrink

until they can no longer replicate.

So when we're stressed, we look haggard.

This is just women, not men. I'm sorry.

And remember when they used to say

that single women over the age of 35 were more likely to be killed by a terrorist

than to get married. Okay, that was horrible.

But now our generation is also not getting married.

And bonus, real terrorists actually became part of our lives.

So the stress of it all shows up on our faces, making us look haggard.

While Ethan goes on looking cute forever

shtupping his 24-year-old receptionist!

Oh, my God!

See what I mean?

I need a vacation.

[♪♪♪]

AMANDA: Okay, where do I wanna go?

By myself at Christmas.

By myself depressed at Christmas.

All alone on vacation.

Alone, alone.

Totally alone.

[SIGHS]

[ IMITATES SOBBING]

[SIGHS]

[WHISPERS] Please, just give me one.

One tear.

[ IMITATES CRYING]

Okay. Moving on.

Oh. "Worry-Free Vacations."

Good. Where's that?

Bora Bora. Hmm.

"Kayak for one?" No, thank you.

"Vacation Rentals." I could do that.

Hole up in a house somewhere. Disappear for a few weeks.

I like that idea.

"Where do you wanna go on your next vacation?"

"Click here and pick a country."

Where do they speak English?

Ah.

"Click on a town or city."

Let's see. Cotswolds.

"Barn converted to modern house in the beautiful Cotswolds."

Which looks exactly like the Valley.

Surrey. "Christmas in the country."

"A fairy-tale English cottage set in a tranquil country garden.

Snuggle up by an old stone fireplace and enjoy a cup of cocoa.

An enchanting oasis of tranquility in a quiet English hamlet

just 40 minutes from exciting London."

[SIGHS]

Yeah.

[ IRIS SOBBING]

[♪♪♪]

[JAMES TAYLOR'S "HAVE YOURSELF A MERRY LITTLE CHRISTMAS" PLAYING]

[GAS HISSING]

[ INHALES DEEPLY]

[COUGHING]

[COMPUTER CHIMES]

What am I doing?

Oh!

Low point.

Low point.

[COMPUTER CHIMES]

"I'm interested... Renting your house.

I'm wondering if your house is available this Christmas.

Because if it is, you could be a real lifesaver."

[♪♪♪]

"I know it's ridiculously late to be asking,

but if you're at all interested, please contact me."

[SIGHS]

[COMPUTER CHIMES] Ooh.

"I'm very interested, but the cottage is really only available for home exchange."

"Home exchange"? What is that?

[COMPUTER CHIMES]

"We switch houses, cars, everything.

I haven't done it before, but friends of mine have."

Where are you?

[SIGHS]

Please say somewhere far away.

[COMPUTER CHIMES]

"L.A."

[CHUCKLES]

Never been there. Always wanted to go.

I'm Iris, by the way.

I'm very normal.

Neat freak. Healthy. Non-smoker.

Single.

Hate my horrible life.

AMANDA: I'm Amanda.

Loner, loser and complicated wreck.

Hi.

Hi.

I must say...

your house looks idyllic.

"Just what I need." Really?

What does your place look like?

My place is nice, but it's a little bigger than yours.

[CHUCKLING]

[COMPUTER CHIMES]

IRIS: "Are there any men in your town?"

Honestly?

[♪♪♪]

[SIGHS]

IRIS [WHISPERS]: "Tomorrow's perfect."

Okay. We are on for two weeks...

starting tomorrow.

[PEOPLE CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]

Hi.

Hi. How are you?

Fine. Honey, we're sitting there.

MAN: Oh.

Sorry.

[SCOFFS]

Oh, yes. There it is.

Well, hello, dear. Hello.

Excuse me.

Oh. There we go.

Oh!

I'm so sorry. No, no, it's okay.

Did you step on her foot? It's okay.

Oh, dear. Clumsy me.

[BLACKBERRY CHIMING]

[CHUCKLING]

[♪♪♪]

[SIGHS]

[SIGHING]

ANNOUNCER: Amanda Woods is proud to present

[THE EMOTIONS' "BEST OF MY LOVE" PLAYING]

ANNOUNCER: Her Life. [SIGHS]

She had it all: Yes, that's it.

ANNOUNCER: The job. The house.

The guy. This holiday season...

find out what Amanda doesn't have.

[DARLENE LOVE'S "WINTER WONDERLAND" PLAYING]

[SIGHS]

This is amazing, this is amazing!

Oh, look at that.

DRIVER: Madam?

Madam?

Madam? Yeah.

We're here. Okay.

[SIGHS]

AMANDA: This can't be it.

DRIVER: No, it's just down that lane.

But the, um... The thing is, I'll never be able to turn this around at the other end.

Think you can, uh, make it from here?

[SCOFFS]

No.

[DARLENE LOVE'S "WINTER WONDERLAND" RESUMES PLAYING]

[SHRIEKS]

Hey. You wouldn't happen to know where Rosehill Cottage is?

Go right at the bridge, and then just keep going. Way down there.

[♪♪♪]

Okay.

[SIGHING]

I'm here!

[GASPS]

Holy shit.

[LAUGHS]

Oh, my God!

[GASPING]

[SQUEALS]

Oh.

Oh.

[LAUGHING]

[SQUEALING]

[SIGHS]

Okay, that'll be interesting.

[WHISTLING]

[GRUNTS]

Get in the-- Get in there. Okay.

Cute dress.

Oh, suitcase.

Okay.

Now what?

[♪♪♪]

I can do this.

I can drive on the wrong side of the road

and the wrong side of the car.

Just stay focused.

Oh, please do not hit me!

[SCREAMING]

Okay, I hate this.

Oh, God.

Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no.

[SCREAMING]

Oh! Oh, no!

Move out of the way! Watch it!

Sorry. Stop!

Oh, God.

[SIGHS]

I need a drink.

[BRENDA LEE'S "ROCKIN' AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE" PLAYING]

[CASH REGISTER BEEPING]

Ooh. [CHUCKLES]

Someone's having a party tonight.

[CHUCKLING]

Oh, yeah.

MAN [ON TV]: They went to the shops.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING ON TV] Didn't really see anything they liked.

Came home, and had a bit of a kiss and cuddle.

The end.

ANNOUNCER [ON TV]: Rebecca Green was just your average 20-year-old.

[GASPS] Until the father she never knew

left her something she never expected.

LOHAN: You have two guns?

FRANCO: I didn't think one would be enough.

[GRUNTS] ANNOUNCER: Deception.

Christmas Day.

And that's why they pay me the big bucks.

REPORTER [ON TV]: And now the weather. First, Northern England and North Wales

will have sleet or snow in the morning and again later in the day.

[SIGHS]

[♪♪♪]

[THUD] Ow!

Ooh.

Ow.

[THE KILLERS' "MR. BRIGHTSIDE" PLAYING ON STEREO]

[SINGING]

[WHIMPERS]

[BARKS] [BARKS]

[LAUGHS]

[WHISPERS] Blinked.

[WHIMPERS]

[SIGHS]

[♪♪♪]

Oh, that's intense.

Huh. [PHONE RINGING]

Oh, no. "Gate"? Huh.

[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING ON CAR STEREO]

[PHONE DIALING]

Who was he with? Maggie.

The flutes. This is the best part. One second.

Hello-- Hello? Um...

IRIS [OVER INTERCOM]: Hello? Can you hear me?

Yeah, it's Miles. Amanda?

No, I'm sorry. Amanda's not here, I'm afraid.

I'm trying to figure out how to open the gate.

[PHONE BEEPING] IRIS: Oh, fu--

[GATE BUZZES]

Very nice.

IRIS [OVER INTERCOM]: if you heard that, I'm sorry.

[CLASSICAL MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING ON STEREO]

Hi. Hi.

I'm so sorry. I'm new at the gate thing.

It's okay. It was pretty funny.

[CHUCKLES]

I'm Miles. I work with Ethan.

Ethan?

Amanda's ex. Oh, right.

Right.

Do you know when she'll be back? I'm supposed to pick up a couple things.

Amanda's in England, actually, on holiday.

Oh. I'm staying here for a few weeks

while she's away. [WIND HOWLING]

Ooh. Uh-oh.

You okay? Yes.

Yeah, something just blew into my eye.

Oh, I hate that. Let me see.

Yep, you got something in your eyelash. You want me to get it?

Um...

Okay. Okay.

Yeah, Santa Anas. Pardon?

The wind. It's what makes it so warm this time of year.

Legend has it, when the Santa Anas blow,

all bets are off. Anything can happen.

That's it. You okay?

Better. Thank you.

So, um, you needed to...?

Uh, pick up Ethan's laptop.

And you're his...?

Oh, well, I'm a film composer, too, like Ethan, but--

Did you compose this?

This? It's beautiful.

Yes, I did. I wrote this.

Uh, no, I didn't. I wish I did. [LAUGHS]

This is the great Ennio Morricone.

Would you mind coming back tomorrow?

I just want to check this with Amanda's assistant.

Sure.

I'm Iris, by the way. Miles.

Right. And this is my Maggie.

I mean, just Maggie. Not "my" Maggie.

[GIGGLES]

Hello. MAGGIE: Hey.

Are you ready? MILES: Yeah.

Okay.

Don't blow away.

I won't.

[♪♪♪]

Anything can happen.

[SIGHING]

Five, six, seven, eight, nine, 10, 11, 12. One a. m. in London.

[ELECTRONIC HUMMING]

[GIGGLING]

[CLOCK TICKING]

[SIGHS]

[KNOCKING ON DOOR] [GASPS]

[DOG BARKING]

Who is it?

GRAHAM: It's me. Hurry up. It's freezing.

Who are you? Iris, open the door

or I swear I'm gonna take a leak all over your--

[GASPS]

Oh.

You're not Iris.

Or if you are, I'm much drunker than I realized.

I'm sorry for my profanity.

I wasn't expecting you.

Well, I wasn't expecting you either.

Uh, nevertheless, may I just--?

Oh, yeah. Of course. Sure. You had to-- Yeah.

I'm Graham. Iris' brother.

Oh. Brother. Um...

Well, I'm Amanda Woods. I'm staying here.

Amandawoods? Is that all one word?

[LAUGHS] No. No, it's not.

[MOUTHING WORDS] Brother? Oh, my God.

Oh. So Iris is-- Where is, uh--? Where is she?

She didn't tell you?

She could have done...

but as previously stated...

I'm-- I've just-- I've been...

She's in Los Angeles.

That's not possible. Iris never goes anywhere.

Well, we have that in common.

Uh, no, she listed this cottage on a home-exchange website and I found it.

We switched houses for two weeks. For the holiday.

She's in L.A. at my house and I'm here.

People actually do that? Apparently.

Yeah. I mean, it seems. Here I am in my pajamas.

She did ring me last night. I didn't get a chance to get back to her. Oh!

I feel awful now.

Would you mind if I sat? I feel like I might bump into you.

Sure. Yeah. Sit.

[GRAHAM GROANS]

You okay?

Yeah, I'm good.

[CHUCKLES]

Look, I'm sorry about the intrusion.

Oh-- Although I may not appear it,

I am in fact Iris' semi-respectable big brother.

But on the rare-- Or lately not-so-rare occasion,

that I frequent the local pub

and get inordinately pissed, my little sister puts me up

so I don't get behind the wheel.

Pathetic explanation, but unfortunately it's become a bit of a routine.

So how's it going so far?

I mean, up until I showed up and ruined your night.

Well, it's, um... It's-- It's not going so great.

Yeah, I'm leaving tomorrow on a noon plane.

Oh.

When did you get here? Um...

About six hours ago.

We've made a great impression on you, haven't we?

No, it's not that. It's just that...

You know, I'm not quite myself right now.

I came here on a stupid whim.

Honestly, I've never thought about anything less. It's very unlike me.

Would you like something to drink?

Glass of water? Tea?

Wine, maybe?

I think there's a bottle of brandy. Fancy a glass?

Sure. Good.

[♪♪♪]

So... I'm sorry, I've totally blanked and forgotten your name.

Amanda.

So, Amanda...

you're not married, are you?

Why? Do I look not married?

No. It was just a backwards way of asking if you were married.

No, not at all.

I don't know what that means. Um...

I mean, no, I'm not married.

[CHUCKLES]

Me neither.

Here you go.

Cheers. Cheers.

Mm.

So is it horrible if I stay?

I'll be gone before you even wake up.

I promise you will never lay eyes on me again.

Oh.

Of-- No, that's fine. Sure.

Thank you. Let me just get you a blanket.

In the cupboard, on top of the Scrabble.

Ah.

So why is it you aren't quite yourself at the moment?

Uh, well, I just broke up with someone.

Yesterday.

Ah. And I guess what I was feeling

was that I didn't wanna be alone over the holidays.

And I thought that if I was somewhere else,

that I wouldn't realize that I was alone.

But then I got here and I've never felt more alone in my life.

Big surprise.

Bet you're glad you knocked on this door.

I am, actually.

Yeah, well...

[LAUGHS]

Sorry and good night.

Sweet dreams.

[♪♪♪]

Um...

Do you think you could, um...?

Would you mind...

trying that again?

Bad?

Weird.

[CHUCKLES]

Kissing a total stranger.

Really? I do it all the time.

Let me try this.

Maybe if I closed my eyes.

[MOANS]

You know, given that I'm in a bit of a personal crisis,

and, um, I find myself in a total stranger's home

in a town that I can't actually remember the name of,

and considering that you showed up

and you're, like, insanely good-looking

and really drunk and probably won't remember me anyway,

I'm thinking...

we should have sex.

If you want.

Is that a trick question?

I'm actually serious.

And not that this matters, but I've never said anything like that in my entire life before.

It's just that this whole

knowing-that-I'll-never-see-you-again thing is kind of exciting.

I mean, this is what a vacation's supposed to be, right?

You're supposed to vacate your life and do the unexpected. And you are...

definitely unexpected.

This all sounded really wonderful till I became the cabana boy.

And you're funny,

which is, like, a bonus. Yeah?

Yeah. Never meet me when I'm sober.

Deal.

Oh, also, I should warn you.

I'm not very good at this.

"This" being? Um...

Sex. Okay. Now, that cannot be true.

Nevertheless, the guy that I lived with mentioned it once or twice

and a girl does not forget a comment like that. Not even me.

[♪♪♪]

I mean, how bad could I be? Oh.

Sex is pretty basic, right? Am I pretty much talking you out of this?

Strangely, not at all.

How do you feel about foreplay?

I think it's overrated.

Significantly overrated.

You are quickly becoming one of the most interesting girls I've ever met.

Look at you.

You're already better than you think.

Good morning. Good morning.

I lost my contacts last night somehow.

Much better. Yeah.

Uh, can I help you with that?

AMANDA: I should know how to do this.

Ah.

Ah. Ah.

You're supposed to plug them in over here. Right.

[BOTH CHUCKLING]

So, Amanda, I-- I just really-- Yeah. You know,

listen, you don't have to worry about a thing here. Okay?

Okay.

I mean, it was great meeting you and everything.

Uh, definitely. Also, for the record, your ex-boyfriend is, in my opinion,

extremely mistaken about you.

Well, yeah, you were drunk.

Not that drunk. Yeah.

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

Oh, that's mine.

Sophie-- Sophie. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to look.

I'll call her back.

Um...

Coffee cups.

Here. Ah, thank you.

Um, you don't want one?

I should probably be going.

Oh, yeah. You know, I... I gotta get going in a few minutes myself.

So listen.

I know you're leaving and absolutely not interested

in getting involved, but just so you know...

things in my life are a little bit complicated

and even if you were staying, I can promise you,

you wouldn't for one minute-- You really don't have to do this.

Look, I'm sort of a mess in this area myself.

And anyway, I mean, honestly, we hardly know each other.

Well, I wouldn't exactly say that,

but I just want to assure you, you're better off. I'm--

I'm-- Okay.

No need to go on. Right.

Well, I just want to be sure you are okay because somehow,

I find I tend to hurt women simply by being myself, so...

I'm not going to fall in love with you, I promise.

Okay. Nicely put. Thank you.

No, it's just that I know myself. I'm not sure I even fall in love.

Not like the way other people do.

How's that for something to admit?

Well, like I said, Most Interesting Girl Award.

I'm gonna try to see that as a compliment.

You should. Absolutely.

Right.

Okay, then. Well...

Utter honesty. Very refreshing.

Well, you probably won't be hearing from me

because even if you wanted to, and you clearly don't,

I have the classic male problem of no follow-through.

Absolutely never remember to call after a date.

But since this wasn't a date, I guess I'm off the hook.

Exactly.

But what if I wanted to call you?

[♪♪♪]

Uh...

Right. Sorry. Apparently not the right thing to say at all.

Well, if your flight's canceled or for some reason

you change your mind, I'm having dinner with some friends

at the pub tonight.

And...

if not, then, well...

you're lovely.

So are you.

WOMAN [OVER P.A.]: Attention passengers, this is the final boarding call

for British Airways flight 42.

[THE SPINNERS' "IT'S A SHAME" PLAYING]

ANNOUNCER: Amanda wasn't looking for love...

but that doesn't mean it didn't find her.

Very well, ma'am, you're good to go.

Oh. Thank you.

[GRUNTS]

[THE STROKES' "LAST NITE" PLAYING ON STEREO]

Thank you, Amanda.

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

Hello?

JASPER [ON PHONE]: Where am I finding you?

Jasper.

JASPER: Is it okay that I'm calling you?

Um...

I suppose so.

How are you?

Could we start with a less complicated question?

[CHUCKLES]

What's wrong?

I'm-- I'm having some real problems with this section of my book.

[SIGHS] I can use some Iris.

[♪♪♪]

Would it be awful if I sent you some pages?

Just tell me if it is. I don't wanna mess you up. I'll--

I know that you're the only one who can really help me.

[SIGHS] No. Well-- I mean...

if you need me.

Well, you know you are my little survival kit.

So, Simpkey, have you put on that little red bikini yet?

You know, the one that unties at the back?

How do you remember my little red bikini?

I remember everything.

Do you?

You know, just the other day, I was just thinking about that time--

JASPER: Darling, I've just arrived at Soho House.

I'm meeting some friends for drinks. Oh.

Okay. You keep the change.

Bloody cold in here.

Okay, I'm sending you the pages tomorrow.

Look for them, will you? Yeah. Mm-hm.

And have some fun today, okay? Yeah.

Okay.

[PEOPLE CHATTERING AND LAUGHING]

[FROU FROU'S "LET GO" PLAYING]

Graham?

[CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]

Oh, no, is he lost?

Excuse me.

Hello. Can I offer you a lift home?

Why? You know where I live?

Uh, I believe I do, yes.

Good. Then that makes one of us.

[CHUCKLES]

IRIS: Your house is lovely.

I've lived here 47 years.

Back then, there were only six houses on this block.

Every year, they tear another one down,

not that I blame them.

They weren't that great to begin with.

But that's how I got confused. I didn't recognize one house.

That would be confusing.

What part of England are you from?

Oh.

Surrey. Cary Grant was from Surrey.

That's right, he was.

How did you know that? Oh, he told me once.

Well, I thank you very much, young lady.

Oy.

Let me help you with that.

Okay.

I-- Thank you.

There you go.

Well, this was some meet-cute.

Sorry? It's how two characters meet

in a movie.

Say-- Say a man and a woman

both need something to sleep in.

Uh-huh.

And they both go to the same men's pajama department.

Right. And the man says to the salesman:

"I just need bottoms." The woman says, "I just need a top."

They look at each other, and that's the "meet-cute."

Oh, I see.

Of course, this-- This isn't quite that cute, but...

[CHUCKLES]

So you're in the film business?

Was. Yes, yes, I was.

I was a writer.

Oy. I could be here till tomorrow.

Oh, here.

Let me.

[♪♪♪]

Thank you.

[WHISPERING] Wow.

Oh, my God.

Well, goodbye, then.

I enjoyed our meet-cute.

Well, thank you. Thank you for rescuing me.

It's a pleasure. Absolutely.

You know, I hope you don't find this strange,

but I've just arrived here, and, well, I don't really know anyone.

And I was thinking of going out for dinner tonight.

Well, if you're not busy, would you like to join me?

Busy? Honey, I haven't been busy since 1978.

[♪♪♪]

[PEOPLE CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]

ARTHUR: I learned everything working in this place.

Best job I ever had. Wait, wait, wait.

That was your first job in Hollywood?

Louis B. Mayer's office boy?

Actually, my first job was as a Western Union messenger.

That's how I met Mayer. I delivered a telegram to his office at MGM.

When I walked in, all the girls in the office were in a tizzy.

Their office boy didn't show up.

I volunteered for the job. The next day, I was on the payroll.

I was 17 years old. Wow.

So was Hollywood really as great back then as I imagine?

It was better.

You know what I've been asking myself all night?

What? Why I'm bothering you with all these questions?

I'm wondering why a beautiful girl like you

would go to a stranger's house for her Christmas vacation,

and on top of that, spend Saturday night with an old cocker like me.

Well, I--

I just wanted to get away from the people I see all the time.

Well, not all the people.

One person.

I wanted to get away from one guy.

[CRYING] An ex-boyfriend who just got engaged and forgot to tell me.

Sorry. So he's a schmuck.

As a matter of fact, he is. A huge schmuck.

How did you know? He let you go.

This is not a hard one to figure out.

Iris, in the movies we have leading ladies

and we have the best friend.

You, I can tell, are a leading lady.

But for some reason, you're behaving like the best friend.

You're so right.

You're supposed to be the leading lady of your own life, for God's sake.

Arthur, I've been going to a therapist for three years.

And she's never explained anything to me that well.

That was brilliant.

Brutal, but brilliant.

Thank you.

[BELLS CHIMING]

Oh.

Oh. Ooh.

I haven't had that much to drink in--

What am I saying?

I've never had that much to drink. Yes, I believe no one ever has.

Okay, the last thing I remember was coming in here last night and--

[GASPS]

Oh! Oh!

I had nothing to do with that. Oh, I know, but you were here.

I was. Oh, God. So I guess we, um...

Did we? I mean, did we?

We didn't? We did not.

Oh, thank God.

I mean, not "thank God," but just thank God.

Because I didn't remember...

So why didn't we? Just remind me a little.

Call me old-fashioned,

but one doesn't have sex with women who are unconscious.

Unconscious? Oh, God.

That must have been really attractive.

Why did you stay?

Because you asked me to.

I did, didn't I?

Oh.

Did I beg at one point?

From the moment I met you, it's been an adventure.

Oh, yes.

And I am deeply sorry about that. I have nothing to say for myself

other than I must be temporarily nuts right now.

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

Olivia. Sorry, I didn't mean to look.

Again. I should probably take this.

Hello. Hi.

[GRAHAM CHUCKLING]

[♪♪♪]

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

I can't. I can't today.

Sophie, Olivia, Amanda.

Busy guy.

[CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]

Oh.

I think we should go into town. What do you mean?

I think you should get dressed.

We should take a drive, get some lunch and get to know each other.

Really? Why?

Because I'm running out of reasons why we shouldn't.

Aren't you?

[♪♪♪]

[CHUCKLES]

So you're a book editor. Yes, I am.

What kind of an editor are you? A very mean one.

No. What I meant was, do you give massive notes, or...?

The better the writer, the less notes I give.

And what'd you study in school? Literature.

And did you always know this was what you wanted to do?

Okay, my palms are starting to sweat.

I feel like I'm on a job interview.

Do you, by any chance, know how to be on a date?

Sorry. I'm interrogating you. Yes.

I haven't been on a first date in a long time.

Well, since we've already had sex and slept together twice,

maybe we can bend the first-date rules.

Why are you blushing?

I didn't realize I was. I think you make me nervous.

Okay. I'm gonna try to be myself. It's never easy, but I'm gonna try.

What was the question? Oh--

Oh, I know.

Did I always know Did you--?

I wanted to be a book editor? Right.

The answer is yes, I did. My family's in publishing.

My dad's a writer of historical fiction.

Oh. My mum's a-- Was--

Is, to this day, a very important editor at Random House.

Oh. Okay. I believe my time is up.

Your turn.

Really? Mm-hm.

Deep breath. Okay.

All right? Yeah.

Um, well, like I said the other night,

I own a company that does movie advertising.

I didn't realize you own the company.

That's probably because I didn't mention it.

But now that I know you were raised by such a strong working mom,

I can say it, and maybe you won't be intimidated by it.

No, no. I'm still a little intimidated by it.

Well, "a little" is way ahead of the curve.

Mm.

Yeah. What about your family?

Okay, I'll say it fast.

My parents broke up when I was 15.

I'm an only child, and I-- I didn't see it coming.

You know, we were really close.

We used to call ourselves "The Three Musketeers."

And one night after dinner, my parents sat me down...

and told me that they were breaking up.

I thought they were kidding.

And then I saw a suitcase out of the corner of my eye in the hallway.

And my dad moved out that night.

[♪♪♪]

And I think I cried myself to sleep for, like, well...

Anyway, a long time.

And, uh, then I realized that I'd better toughen up.

And, well, I got through it and sort of haven't cried since.

I also haven't thought of that packed suitcase maybe ever.

[♪♪♪]

And that's my tragic little story.

Let's order. Wait.

You haven't cried since you were 15?

I know it must mean something awful. I know, but...

You know, I try, but-- Believe me.

But can we talk about you some more, please?

Okay. Yes. Absolutely. Okay. Well, I cry all the time.

You do not. Yeah, I do.

More than any woman you've ever met.

You don't have to be this nice.

Uh, it happens to be the truth. Really?

A good book, a great film, a birthday card, I weep.

Shut up. I'm a major weeper.

I am.

[♪♪♪]

[PEOPLE CHATTERING AND LAUGHING]

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

AMANDA: This was such a great afternoon.

GRAHAM: It was a really great afternoon.

You know, you don't have to walk me in. It's freezing, and...

You can just say you don't want me to come in.

No, it's not that. I just-- No--

I'm just tired. I think I'm gonna take a nap.

It's not that. Okay, I'll pretend I believe you.

Graham, I'm leaving in nine days.

And that makes this complicated.

And I'm not sure I can handle complicated right now.

Okay.

And that doesn't make things complicated?

Sex makes everything complicated.

Even when you don't have it, the not having it makes things complicated.

Which is why it's usually better to have it. Some say.

[GIGGLES]

Well, I'm off to work in the morning.

I promise I won't be drunkenly banging on your door any time soon.

We'll see each other, okay? We'll figure something out.

Good. Good.

[♪♪♪]

Oh, it's freezing.

[CHUCKLING]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Hi. Hello.

Bad timing? No, no. Come in.

How's it going? Good. Yeah, everything's good.

This FedEx was leaning on the gate.

From a little town called London, England.

Oh, um...

Friend of mine's writing a book, and I give him...

notes sometimes.

You have company? I'm having a little Hanukkah party.

What, did you join a temple since I last saw you?

[LAUGHS] No. My neighbor knew I didn't know anyone here.

So he wanted to introduce me to some of his friends.

And somehow it turned into a Hanukkah thing.

Do you wanna come in for a sec?

All right. Yeah. I could play spin the dreidel.

Smells good.

[♪♪♪]

MILES: I just have to say, this is one of the best Hanukkahs I've ever had.

ARTHUR: Hear, hear.

I've had too much of the Manischewitz. I'm gonna have to be cut off.

ERNIE: We are cutting you off.

NORMAN: I take this very seriously, and I'm telling you the truth.

ARTHUR: He amazes me.

Don't listen to them. They're nuts.

Okay, so you're telling me you were not a ladies' man?

Never. I married very young.

Yes, only because he had the greatest girl in town.

You had to marry her to take her off the market.

NORMAN: That's the truth. ERNIE: Everyone loved Marion.

She had the greatest laugh.

What did he say? She had the greatest ass?

[ALL LAUGHING]

Greatest laugh.

Although her ass wasn't so bad, either.

She had real gumption. She was the girl I always wrote.

What about you, Miles? Hmm?

You're a man about town, I presume.

No, gents, sadly I am not. I'm just a one-woman-at-a-time kind of guy.

Actually, I've been dating a beautiful actress for about five months.

I do not know what she sees in me, but I'm the luckiest guy in the world.

Oh, she's an actress? What's she been in?

Anything we would have seen? She hasn't done that much yet, but--

And where is she tonight?

Look, he's half-dead, and he's still interested.

Well, I mean, that made me curious. You know, he's here. Where is she?

She's on location in New Mexico. She's working on a little indie film.

Sorry she couldn't be here. She'll be back in about 10 days.

Her loss is our gain.

Thank you, Arthur. ARTHUR: Fellas,

I think we should leave these young folks and get back to our bedpans.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Okay, Norman, you are calling me for pinochle.

I got your cell, I'll be in touch. Okay, pound right here.

[GRUNTS]

This was an amazing night.

You know, Arthur Abbott is maybe the last of the great Hollywood writers

from that generation. Thanks.

There are, like, famous things we say because he wrote them.

I know. He told me that his friends wrote Casablanca,

but that he added the "kid" to "Here's looking at you, kid."

Hello! Which totally makes the line.

[ IMITATES HUMPHREY BOGART] "Here's looking at you, Ilsa."

Doesn't quite have that ring.

He's so modest. He gave me this long list of old movies he said I had to see.

None were written by him, of course.

I saw a couple today. They were fantastic.

Maybe we can see one together sometime.

That would be great. All right, cool.

Then I'll definitely call you.

The brisket was great. And those chocolate-covered macaroons...

Delectable. It was really fun hanging with you.

[♪♪♪]

Okay. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to kiss you twice

and then linger a long time on the second kiss.

No problem. Oh, boy.

[WIND HOWLING] [MILES WHOOPING]

It is officially crazy weather.

[LAUGHING]

Don't blow away.

"I'm not sure I can handle complicated"?

Oh, God, I can be such a jerk.

ANNOUNCER: Amanda Woods. Shut up.

[THE EMOTIONS' "BEST OF MY LOVE" PLAYING]

ANNOUNCER: She pushed every guy away, every time.

It's not, "Will she ever change," but, "Does she want to?"

[GRUNTS]

[AL GREEN'S "SHA LA LA (MAKE ME HAPPY)" PLAYING IN DISTANCE]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Surprise. Yeah, it is. Hi.

Hi. So I was home doing nothing and thinking of you

and I realized that a little complication never hurt anyone.

And then I thought, maybe this isn't so complicated at all.

And also, I wanted to apologize.

I am sorry I didn't invite you in this afternoon.

I don't know what that was about exactly.

[CLATTERING IN DISTANCE]

But whatever it was, I thought that I should just...

Oh, my God. You're... You're not alone, are you?

No, I'm not, actually.

I'm sorry. No. No, no, no. Don't be.

I shouldn't have just... Oh, man.

Okay, seriously, do not worry about this.

This is just me, like, being stupid.

[WHISPERS] Who is it, Daddy?

"Daddy"? Yes.

I am Daddy.

Amanda, this is my daughter Sophie.

Soph, this is my friend Amanda.

Hi. How do you do?

I'm fine, thank you. How are you?

Very well, thank you. Do you want to come in?

Oh, no, I just--

Hi.

Come here.

Daddy, who is this?

This is Amanda. And, Amanda, this is my youngest, Olivia.

Oh.

Oh.

Sophie and Olivia.

SOPHIE: Dad.

Dad. Sorry, yes. Of course, come in.

Come in. Oh.

GRAHAM: Mm-hm.

Okay.

OLIVIA: Daddy, can we still have hot chocolate, please?

GRAHAM: Yes. OLIVIA: With baby marshmallows?

Yes.

[KYLIE MINOGUE'S "SANTA BABY" PLAYING]

Dad, take her coat.

Yes. May I, may I? Oh, sure. Thanks.

[WHISPERS] Are you married? Tell me fast.

No. Okay.

[SOPHIE AND OLIVIA GASPING]

Wow. [AMANDA CHUCKLING]

I know. I'm a tad overdressed.

You look like my Barbie.

Oh.

Thanks. Is that for us?

Yes. Except for I'm sorry about the wine.

Wow.

[SOPHIE AND OLIVIA CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]

I apologize for not having mentioned this earlier.

[WHISPERS] You're D-l-V-O-R-C-E-D?

W-I-D-O-W-E-R.

[♪♪♪]

Two years ago.

Oh, um...

Amanda, are you by any chance at all into hot chocolate?

As a matter of fact, I'm...

totally into it.

GRAHAM: Here we go, Olivia. Olivia. Thank you.

Blow on it. It's hot.

You too, Soph.

She has more marshmallows than me.

No, she doesn't. You each have five.

You have five too. Thank you.

SOPHIE: One, two, three, four, five.

[GIGGLING]

[OLIVIA GIGGLING]

What? Do I have something on my lip?

Just look! There.

Uh-oh.

Oh, hello. Hello.

GRAHAM: Hello. OLIVIA: Going up! Blow on mine.

Ow!

Thank you.

Excellent timing.

Dad, do Mr. Napkin Head.

No. No, no, no. No Mr. Napkin Head. Please? Do it!

Do it. Do it. Please. Do it, please. Beg you, please?

Please? Okay, I'll do it quickly.

Oh, well, thank you for that. You're welcome. Now do it.

All right.

[SIGHS]

Amanda, can I borrow your napkin, please?

Oh, yes. [GRAHAM GROANS]

Your glasses.

[WHISPERS] Pass me those when I need them.

SOPHIE: Amanda, you're gonna love this.

It's so funny. I mean, you'll fall off your chair, it's so funny.

Hello.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Hello, my name is Mr. Napkin Head.

Hello, children.

Who's this? She's a stranger? Amanda.

And why has she got a funny accent?

Amanda. Yeah, but where is she from?

Now smoke!

[GRAHAM MUMBLING]

Go on.

[COUGHING]

Smoking's really bad for you.

[AMANDA AND SOPHIE CHEERING]

SOPHIE: Amanda, guess what.

We have a tent in our playroom. Do you want to see it?

No, no, no. Amanda...

will not crawl into your tent.

You don't like tents?

[♪♪♪]

Okay, this is seriously cool.

Come inside.

AMANDA: Wow.

Lie down. Okay.

Here, Amanda. You can use my pillow.

Thank you. Lie down!

Can you please stop being so bossy?

Lie down, please, next to me. Okay.

[BURPS] Oh.

Very nice.

Excuse me.

[ALL GIGGLING]

This is an exceptionally great tent.

Mm-hm. It's got something, hasn't it?

It's cozy. Yeah.

Who cut out all these beautiful stars?

We did. The Three Musketeers!

OLIVIA: Amanda?

Yes? You smell lovely.

Do I?

Yes. I love perfume, but he won't let me wear it.

GRAHAM: Because you already smell so good.

So do you, by the way. Thanks.

But I'm older, so I guess I'm allowed. Exactly.

I like your eye shadow.

Thank you.

OLIVIA: And your lipstick. AMANDA: Thank you.

It's new. What's it called?

I think it's called Berry Kiss.

Very Berry Kiss it is.

[WHISPERS] Berry Kiss.

Let's see? It looks good on you.

Amanda?

You know, if you wanted to sleep over, that would be all right.

We could push our beds together.

[WHISPERS] Sorry.

AMANDA: That's so sweet of you to invite me,

but maybe another time. Would that be all right?

Yes.

[WHISPERS] Good girl.

We never have grownups here that are girls.

I know.

I really like it.

Me too.

[SIGHS]

I can't imagine anyone being a bigger hit with my children.

[CHUCKLING]

They're really great, Graham.

Sophie's unfortunately taken on the role as my protector.

She's brilliant, but I hate it when she worries about me.

And Olivia's... Oh.

Gonna be a real ball-buster.

Which, I must admit, I kind of love about her.

I'm just trying to figure out why you didn't tell me about them.

Because I just don't usually tell women about them.

But it's just a little confusing

because you're the one who wanted to go out to lunch

to get to know one another.

Oh, when you put it that way, it sounds awful.

I have no defense. Except that until I get to know someone really well,

it's easier for me to be a normal, single guy.

Because it's way too complicated to be who I really am.

I'm a full-time dad.

I'm a working parent. I'm a mother and a father.

I'm a guy who reads parenting books and cookbooks before I go to sleep.

I spend my weekends buying tutus. I'm learning to sew.

I'm Mr. Napkin Head!

I'm on some kind of constant overload and it helps...

to compartmentalize my life. Just till I figure this out.

This past weekend, the children were with their grandparents.

And when they're gone, I get to be somebody

who doesn't have hot chocolate spilled on his jeans.

I have no idea how to date and be this.

And I suppose there's...

the possibility I'm afraid of what another person

might do to who we are...

and how we get from one day to the next.

Yeah.

I guess since I am leaving in a week, I...

I sort of get you not telling me.

[♪♪♪]

Sort of. I thought it would be hard...

to introduce them to someone I may never see again.

Mm.

Right.

Because I'm just someone you had sex with once and slept with twice.

Actually, I thought I was just someone you had sex with once and slept with twice.

Oh, man.

I think we just went way past complicated.

Right. I'm a book editor from London. You're a...

beautiful...

movie trailer-maker from L.A.

We're worlds apart.

I have a cow in the back yard.

You have a cow? Yeah.

I sew and I have a cow.

[GIGGLING]

How's that for hard to relate to?

Pretty up there.

Exactly.

Morning, Jesus. Good morning.

Santa Anas? Oh, yeah, long time now.

Hi, Marta. Hi, Iris.

[♪♪♪]

Hi there.

Hello!

Good morning.

I-- I counted.

Nine movies are opening today.

I remember when nine movies would open in a month.

Now a picture has to make a killing the first weekend or they're dead.

This is supposed to be conducive to great work?

Arthur, have you always been this feisty?

Well, I may have slowed down a little, but yes.

You've gotta fight the fight, kid.

[CHUCKLES]

Okay, your mail.

Gas company, phone bill.

And a letter from the Writers Guild of America, West.

Are you watching the movies I recommended?

Yes! Love them. Irene Dunne is fantastic.

Gumption. Oh, my God, tons of it.

Arthur, don't you want to open that letter you just threw in the bin?

No. They keep writing me about the same thing.

But it might be important.

It's not. They want to arrange some kind of tribute to me.

A night with me.

I don't know. It sounds God-awful.

What are you talking about? That sounds brilliant!

Would you like to walk out on a stage, on a walker, looking 100 years old

and see 11 schnooks who showed up just to see you?

They can forget it.

I ain't falling for this.

So now, what's up?

May I?

"An Evening With Arthur Abbott."

[CLEARS THROAT]

"Dear Mr. Abbott... - -several attempts to contact you regarding..."

"We have not yet received your response."

[TSKING]

"--Be called 'An Evening with Arthur Abbott... This special night will be a tribute to your

lifetime of achievement in screenwriting

and your outstanding contribution to the screenwriting profession.

Congratulations on this much-deserved honor."

Arthur, this is a big deal.

You know, and they want to do this soon.

Listen, I reckon that with a little bit of exercise,

you could walk out there on your own.

And, you know, maybe I could go with you.

As, like, your date or something.

I would take you proudly, my darling, but I'm not going.

Anyway, how would you propose to get me in shape? Seriously.

Easy.

[♪♪♪]

IRIS: You're doing really well.

Nearly there. Nearly there. Nearly there.

Bravo! Here we go, back the other way.

Oh!

You okay? Yeah, I'm fine.

You sure? Yeah, I just slipped.

[PHONE RINGING]

Hello?

GRAHAM: So are you ever coming home?

Oh, my God. Hi. How's it going?

Great. I met a really nice guy.

See? And you said you'd never. What's he like?

He's really cute. I feel great when I'm with him,

which is an entirely new experience. And he's about 90 years old.

Come on. IRIS: He's my next-door neighbor.

Or Amanda's next-door neighbor. By the way, you should pop over and meet her.

Yeah. I have, actually. [ IRIS' PHONE BEEPS]

Oh, bugger. Call waiting.

Can you hold for a sec? Hold on. I really wanna talk to you.

Sure. Hello.

Iris, hi, it's Amanda. How are you? How's it going?

Everything's great. How are you? IRIS: Oh, I'm loving it.

Listen, can you hold for a sec? My brother's on the other line.

Graham? Yes. He said you met.

Yes, we did meet. How is he? Fine, I think.

Can you just hold on for a sec? Sure.

Okay. Hi, sorry. That was Amanda. GRAHAM: How'd she sound?

How is she doing? She just asked me how you are.

And what did you say? I asked her to hold.

Can I call you back? I can hold while you speak to her.

Really? Find out how she is.

Okay. My brother wants to know how you are.

Can you tell him I'm good and that I'm just taking Charlie for a walk in the village?

What's he been up to? Did he say? I'm not sure.

Do you want me to ask him? Uh, sure.

Okay. Hold, please.

I can't believe that you have had sex with the woman staying in my house!

[GASPS] He told you that?

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Oh, my God. I thought I was talking to Graham! Can you just hold, please?

I'm terribly sorry.

I can't believe you had sex with Amanda!

The one thing she asked me was, "Are there any men in your town?"

And I assured her that there were not.

And then you meet her and immediately get into her knickers!

Still me.

[AMANDA CHUCKLES ON PHONE]

Bollocks! I must have lost him.

Amanda, I am so sorry.

[PHONE BEEPS]

Can I call you back?

Sure. IRIS: Okay, bye.

Yes, hello.

It's Miles. Am I in trouble?

Oh, Miles. Hi.

MILES: What are you up to this Christmas Eve?

Not much. But in a little bit,

I was gonna go down to the video shop and get the next movie on Arthur's list.

Do you want some company?

Love some.

[♪♪♪]

Hey, I got you the best drink in town, but I didn't know

if you liked a little dollop of whipped cream or a big dollop,

so I got both and you can have each one-- Well, hello, big dollop!

Say, you look great, by the way. Thanks.

Really great. Thanks, I'm feeling good.

I've been working out with Arthur.

[CHUCKLING]

What? No.

I'm sure it's an awesome workout. I'm sorry. I'm trying not to picture it.

Okay, well, the workout's not that great,

but the conver-- [LAUGHING]

Stop laughing!

The conversation is truly fantastic. No, that I totally believe.

Now let me ask you. Have you seen this?

Chariots of Fire. Loved it.

[HUMMING "CHARIOTS OF FIRE"]

Such a great score by Vangelis.

He took electronic scores to a new level. It was groundbreaking.

I'm gonna test you on this later. Okay. Driving Miss Daisy.

Hans. Very unexpected. Do you remember how great it was?

[HUMMING "DRIVING MISS DAISY"]

Sassy! Love it.

Is this a bad game? No!

Okay. Keep going.

Sometimes I get self-conscious about my--

[HUMMING "TARA THEME" LOUDLY]

And:

[CONTINUES HUMMING LOUDLY]

[SINGING] ♪ Are you embarrassed ♪ Shh.

♪ By this game I've started to play? ♪♪

Okay. It's not a library. I can go loud.

[HUMS "THEME FROM JAWS"]

Two notes and you've got a villain.

I don't know what to say about it. Totally brill.

Uh-oh.

[SINGING SIMON & GARFUNKEL'S "MRS. ROBINSON"]

I bet you didn't know that was all written for the movie. It was a score, technically.

IRIS: I did know that one. Can't go anywhere.

Oh, my God. Okay, this one? You have to check this out some time.

The Mission. The score is genius.

It just comes from a totally different place. It's like...

I can't even... Just promise me you'll rent it and listen to it.

Renting. Thank you.

It changed my world.

[CHUCKLES]

[♪♪♪]

What?

[LAUGHING]

MILES: Maggie!

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

Why do I always fall for the bad girl?

You didn't know she was a bad girl.

I knew she wasn't good.

Do you have anything a little bit stronger?

Thank you. Let me rephrase this:

Why am I attracted to a person I know isn't good?

I happen to know the answer to this.

Because you're hoping you're wrong.

And every time she does something that tells you she is no good, you ignore it.

And every time she comes through and surprises you, she wins you over

and you lose that argument with yourself that she's not for you.

Exactly.

And on top of that, there's the old standby:

"I can't believe a girl like that would actually be with a guy like me."

You know what she said to me tonight?

She finished in Santa Fe after two days

and has been staying with whatever-his-name-was.

Which means she's been right here in town.

Which means when I spoke to her this morning on her cell and she said:

"I'm looking out my window and it's snowing."

She was in Santa Monica.

What did she do, go to Weather.com?

That must have made them both scream with laughter.

And in the meantime, I sent her Christmas gift to Santa Fe yesterday.

I stood in line at FedEx to make sure she got it on time.

[GROANS] Classic, right?

Look, I don't wanna ruin your Christmas Eve. You don't have to listen to this.

It's okay.

I like the company.

So how about some food?

Shall I make us a little Christmas fettuccine?

Sure. Listen.

I know it's hard to believe people when they say, "I know how you feel."

But I actually know how you feel.

You see...

I was, um...

seeing someone back in London.

[♪♪♪]

We worked for the same newspaper.

And then I found out that he was also seeing this other girl, Sarah,

from the Circulation Department on the 19th floor.

It turned out that he wasn't in love with me like I thought.

What I'm trying to say is...

I understand feeling as small and as insignificant

as humanly possible.

And how it can actually ache in places that you didn't know you had inside you.

And it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get,

or gyms you join...

or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends.

You still go to bed every night going over every detail

and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood.

And how in the hell, for that brief moment

you could think that you were that happy?

And sometimes you can even convince yourself

that he'll see the light and show up at your door.

[SIGHS]

And after all that...

however long "all that" may be...

you'll go somewhere new.

And you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again.

And little pieces of your soul will finally come back.

And all that fuzzy stuff...

those years of your life that you wasted...

that will eventually begin to fade.

[SIGHS]

Well, fuck.

You need this more than I do.

That's what you're doing here? You're getting over somebody?

Yeah.

This is me in good shape.

Is this the guy who sent you pages from his novel?

Yeah.

He needs me.

So he stays in touch?

All the time.

So that makes it impossible to forget him, which is great for him, but sucks for you.

[LAUGHS]

You see how great your life is compared to mine?

Okay, let's go. I'm making you some fettuccine.

It is Christmas Eve, and we are going to sit out on that patio,

gonna make ourselves a little fire, pop some bubbly

and we are gonna celebrate being young and being alive.

You with me, Simpkins?

Miles.

You really are an incredibly decent man.

I know.

That's always been my problem.

[ELLA FITZGERALD'S "HAVE YOURSELF A MERRY LITTLE CHRISTMAS" PLAYING]

[SIGHS]

[CHATTERING ON TV]

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

[DOG BARKING]

Hi.

[PIANO PLAYING]

Okay, here it is. Arthur's theme.

[LAUGHS] I think this is really good.

I'm serious. No, I know.

I'm making him a CD of this tune. Every time he hears it,

it should give him the confidence to walk right out there.

Okay? Yep.

Here we go.

[PLAYING "RAIDER'S MARCH"]

[LAUGHING]

Did I steal this?

John Williams. I didn't write it, that's why.

Okay, this is it for real. Okay.

Here we go. Yep.

A little Arthur and the knights.

[PLAYING PIANO]

Right? It's cheeky.

It sounds like him.

I also wrote one that sounds like you.

You did?

Iris, if you were a melody.

I used only the good notes.

[SINGING] ♪ Iris lives next door ♪

♪ To Arthur He's a doodle-ee-doo ♪

♪ And also a doodle-ee-doo ♪ ♪ Scroodle-ee-doo ♪

A scroodle-ee-doo? Is he?

I didn't know that. Yeah.

♪ And froodle-ee-doo ♪♪ ♪ And froodle-ee-doo ♪

We both said "froodle-ee."

I'm impressed.

You are a prodigy.

A "doodle" prodigy.

♪ Swoodle-ee-doo ♪♪

So you're totally great.

Oh.

Yeah.

This is a bitch.

Well, you must come to London all the time for work, right?

London?

Never.

New York? Mm...

Not really, but that's easier. Do you go there often?

Rarely.

Long-distance relationships can work.

Really? I can't make one work

when I live in the same house with someone.

So this could be a good solution for you.

[CHUCKLES]

Oh, man.

Okay.

Let's say we just make this happen.

We each commit to flying back and forth as much as we can.

Yes! It's doable, definitely.

And then let's say in six months we hit a wall.

Like, I can't constantly be away from work

or the girls can't deal with you leaving so often.

And we start to feel the tension. We know this isn't gonna work

so we start fighting because we don't know what else to do.

And then, after a long, tearful--

At your end. - -phone call,

we just-- Thank you.

We say goodbye.

And that'll be it, for real. It's not like we're ever gonna bump into each other.

And then what's left? Two miserable people

feeling totally mashed up and hurt.

[SIGHS]

Or...

Thank you.

Or maybe we should just...

realize that what we've had these past few weeks has been perfect.

And maybe it won't get any better than this.

And maybe we're trying to figure this thing out

because it makes us so feel good to feel this way.

And maybe the fact that I'm leaving in 8 hours

makes this far more exciting than it might actually be.

Maybe.

You are, seriously, the most depressing girl I've ever met.

I know.

I have another scenario for you.

Good. I'm in love with you.

[♪♪♪]

I apologize for the blunt delivery.

But as problematical as this...

fact may be, I am in love.

With you.

And I'm not feeling this because you're leaving.

And not because it feels good to feel this way.

Which, by the way, it does-- Or did, before you went off like that.

I can't figure out the mathematics of this.

I just know I love you.

Can't believe how many times I'm saying it.

And I never thought I'd feel this way again, so that's pretty phenomenal.

And I realize I come with a package deal:

Three for the price of one. And my...

package, perhaps in the light of day, isn't all that wonderful,

but I finally know what I want, and that, in itself, is a miracle.

And what I want...

is you.

I wasn't expecting "I love you."

Can you not look at me like that?

I'm trying to find the right thing to say.

I think if the obvious response

doesn't immediately come to you, we can...

just...

We should just...

talk about something else.

Like, possibly, what a complete ass I am.

I do recall you promising me you wouldn't fall in love with me.

Must pay better attention.

I've never met a guy who talks as much as me.

[CHUCKLES]

But could you just for now...

be quiet? Please?

[ IMOGEN HEAP'S "JUST FOR NOW" PLAYING]

[PEOPLE CHATTERING AND LAUGHING]

MILES: How many of his movies are on that list of his?

IRIS: About 15. I love it.

I don't know how I've never seen The Lady Eve before.

Barbara Stanwyck is dazzling.

And she's so sure of herself. And sexy.

Really sexy! You know, every movie he's told me to see

has this powerhouse woman in it. Mm. Wonder if he's trying

to tell you something with that. Okay, sorry about that. Boob graze.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

That was accidental. Accidental boob graze.

I'm sorry.

Changing subject. Okay.

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

Arthur has requested

that you write some lyrics for his theme song.

What's the matter? Who is it?

It's Maggie.

Hello?

[SIGHS] Hi.

Uh, I'm doing okay.

Actually, Maggie, I'm a bit tied up at the moment.

[ IMOGEN HEAP'S "JUST FOR NOW" PLAYING]

I don't know. What time could you be there?

All right, I'll be there.

Oh, no, no. Like, a half-hour.

Maybe a little longer.

Okay, bye.

She misses me.

You see? She came to her senses.

We should get the bill. No!

No, no, take your time. I can wait till you're finished.

I'm finished. No.

You didn't even get to your spicy tuna yet.

I'm fine, really.

You can go. I can get this one.

I'll see you later at the Writers Guild. I mean, if you can still make it.

I gotta get all the way over to Silver Lake, but I'm gonna try to be there.

Anyway, I'm bringing the music. I mean, I really wanna be there,

but I don't know how long this is gonna take.

I'm sorry.

It's all good. Don't worry.

Good luck. Thank you.

[SIGHS]

[PHONE RINGING]

Hello.

Oh, Jasper! I'm just reading your pages.

No, I hadn't forgotten. I've just been busy, that's all.

That's not true. I was gonna call you when I'd read--

What kind of surprise?

No, I don't see a box or anything.

Yes, I'm sure.

Hold on, let me just check the kitchen.

[ IRIS CHUCKLES]

No, not in there.

Well, I'll go and check the gate.

Yes. Well, when did you send it?

[♪♪♪]

I found your Christmas present.

This place suits you.

Yeah, right.

No, really.

So you are eventually gonna look at me, aren't you?

Hello.

I came here because I had to see you.

Had to.

Oh, Jasper, I really don't understand this.

I mean...

I was right there for three years! Remember? Square peg, round hole?

What? That's what you said to me once.

That we weren't really right for each other.

We were a square peg and a round hole.

I don't remember that. I just know that I hated when you were gone.

And also, I have never checked my e-mails more.

It was driving me crazy that I wasn't hearing from you.

I don't want to lose you, babe.

Lose me?

[SIGHS]

This is too confusing.

[WHISPERS] Come here.

MAGGIE: I screwed up. Miles, haven't you ever screwed up?

I made a mistake.

I was stupid and impulsive.

He wasn't what I thought. I just started thinking about you

and wishing and hoping that you would just forgive me.

Will you, Miles?

Will you forgive me?

[♪♪♪]

JASPER: You know what I was thinking?

IRIS: Hmm? When you get back to London,

maybe we could sneak off somewhere together.

Maybe Venice.

You and me in Venice could be good.

[CHUCKLES]

Do you mean that? I mean...

Are you free to do that?

Darling...

I've just traveled halfway across the world to see you, haven't I?

Yeah, that doesn't exactly answer my question, so...

Are you not with Sarah anymore? I mean,

is that what you've come here to tell me?

I wish you could just accept knowing how confused I am about all this.

Okay, let me translate that.

So you are still engaged to be married.

Yes, but, I mean-- Oh, my God.

Okay, this was a really...

close call.

You know, I never thought I'd say this, literally never,

but I think you were absolutely right about us.

Very square peg, very round hole!

You cannot mean that. The great thing is I actually do.

And I'm about three years late in telling you this,

but nevertheless I need to say it.

Jasper...

Wait. I need the lights on.

Oh.

Jasper...

you have never treated me right. Ever.

Oh, babe. Shush!

You broke my heart.

And you acted like somehow it was my fault,

my misunderstanding, and I was too in love with you

to ever be mad at you, so I just punished myself! For years!

But you waltzing in here on my lovely Christmas holiday

and telling me that you don't want to lose me

whilst you're about to get married

somehow newly entitles me to say...

it's over.

This-- This twisted, toxic thing between us

is finally finished!

I'm miraculously done being in love with you!

[♪♪♪]

I've got a life to start living.

And you're not going to be in it. Darling...

Now I've got somewhere really important to be

and you have got to get the hell out.

Now! What exactly has got into you?

I don't know.

But I think what I've got is something slightly resembling...

gumption.

[♪♪♪]

[SQUEALING]

Iris...

you're a knockout.

Thank you.

And may I say, so are you. Did I do my tie okay?

I haven't worn one in 15 years.

It's perfect. I like this Hugo Boss.

He cuts a nice suit.

[LAUGHS]

I've got something for you.

Oh.

Forgive me. The last time I had a date, this is what we did.

It's beautiful.

If it's corny, or if it's going to ruin your outfit...

you don't have to wear it.

I like corny.

I'm looking for corny in my life.

That's a nice line. It's all those movies!

Okay, let's do it.

Let's get this embarrassment over with.

Okay.

Mr. Abbott? Yes, sir.

We're all ready for you.

WOMAN [OVER P.A.]: Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Arthur Abbott!

[CROWD CHEERING]

[♪♪♪]

Oh, hi! Arthur, you made it.

Thank you. Thank you too.

Thank you very much.

I'll take you up, Mr. Abbott.

Go on, go for it.

[MILES' "ARTHUR'S THEME" PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

I'll do it.

The man is a rock star.

Hi!

Sorry I'm late. The Maggie thing took a little time, but it is over.

Finished, kaput.

You look beautiful.

Thank you.

[WHISPERS] Thanks.

ARTHUR: Thank you, thank you.

I'm--

I'm absolutely overwhelmed...

that I could climb those stairs.

[CROWD LAUGHING]

WOMAN: He did great.

I came to Hollywood over 60 years ago...

and immediately fell in love with motion pictures.

And it's a love affair that's lasted a lifetime.

When I first arrived in Tinseltown,

there were no cineplexes or multiplexes.

No such thing as a Blockbuster or DVD.

I was here before conglomerates owned the studios.

Before pictures had special effects teams.

And definitely before box office results were reported

like baseball scores on the nightly news.

[WHISPERS] He is so fantastic.

Iris? Yes?

What are you doing New Year's Eve?

I'll be back in England by New Year's Eve.

Oh.

[♪♪♪]

You know, I've never been to England.

I've never been to Europe. No?

If I come over there, will you go out with me on New Year's Eve?

[♪♪♪]

Love to.

Okay, so we're not gonna make a bigger deal out of this than it already is.

No, we're not.

It's not like we're never going to speak or e-mail or--

No set rules. None.

So now I'm just gonna kiss you for the millionth time...

and say, "Be seeing you."

[♪♪♪]

Be seeing you.

Take care of yourself.

Did you have a good holiday, miss?

Yeah.

Great.

Maybe the best ever.

[♪♪♪]

[LAUGHING]

ANNOUNCER: Amanda Woods,

welcome back.

Turn around!

Turn around and go back, please!

Did you forget something? Yes! Yes.

[♪♪♪]

Can you go any faster?

This lane's tricky. It's gonna take a bit.

It's okay, just stop.

Madam?

Madam!

Graham?

Graham.

[CRYING]

You know...

I was just thinking...

why would I ever leave before New Year's Eve?

That makes no sense at all.

I mean, you didn't exactly ask me out...

but you did say you loved me...

so I'm thinking I've got a date.

If you'll have me.

[♪♪♪]

I have the girls New Year's Eve.

Sounds perfect.

[♪♪♪]

IRIS: I'm coming to get you!

You look just like an angel on the top of the Christmas tree.

You got so big. Give us a kiss.

Come and tell me all about your Christmas presents.

Go sit with Miles.

[ARETHA FRANKLIN'S "YOU SEND ME" PLAYING]

[CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]

Sweetie.

I challenge ye. Me?

[BOTH CHEERING]

Shh! Shh!

The love train is leaving the station.

MILES: Happy New Year! AMANDA: Happy New Year!

GRAHAM: Happy New Year!

IRIS: Happy New Year, everybody!

[♪♪♪]