Original subtitles

Well, your son's surgery went great.

They're just stitching him up now,

and then you can go in and see him.

Thank you so much.

Would it be weird to give you a hug?

I think it'd be weird if you didn't.

I've become kind of the go-to guy

for communicating good news with families.

Huge responsibility.

I'm basically the voice of the hospital.

Honestly, pretty flattered they trusted me with it.

Yeah, we have Matt update the families

because it's basically impossible to screw up.

So for the first few weeks after a hernia surgery,

he's not going to want to lift anything over 20 pounds.

Hernia surgery?

He's here to have his toe reattached.

- His toe? - His pinky toe, yeah.

What hernia?

Unless you gave the news to the wrong family.

Uh, well, um, when they were working on the toe,

which is obviously the primary reason he's here,

they discovered the hernia.

How did they find a hernia by looking at his toe?

Well, it's all connected.

Uh, the toe bone's connected to the--

you know the song.

At any rate, the hernia has been repaired.

That's gratis, by the way, and now onto the toe, so...

- Excuse me. - Ah!

My son's also here for a hernia surgery.

Do you how that's going? - Can't help you.

Sorry. - What--

If you have any questions,

Dr. Taylor will be performing your appendectomy.

Otherwise, we can head on over to the OR.

I'm sorry, but she says you can't start

until her cross is here.

My cousin's bringing it over now.

Well, we have plenty of crosses here we could lend her.

She really shouldn't wait.

No.

She only wants her cross. She feels it will protect her.

Mrs. Gutierrez, Dr. Taylor really is

one of the best surgeons around.

Yes. Ignore the outfit.

I was in a cardio tennis class when they paged me, so...

You are in very capable hands.

Hm.

More capable than Jesus Christ?

I'm sorry. That's how she said it.

Well, maybe, um, different, uh,

specialties, ma'am. - I will wait.

Well, page me when it comes.

I am going to try to get my steps in.

You don't waste a minute, huh?

What's that? I'm on a-- yeah.

Hey. Oh, no, that was just some guy.

The woman has a ticking time bomb in her body,

an experienced surgeon ready to remove it,

and all she's worried about is if

her lucky charm is in the room.

- It's her religion. - Religion is not the point.

We offered her a cross,

but it was the magic of her specific cross

that she wanted. It's just kind of crazy.

Yeah, and she had a super annoying son.

- No, that's not-- - They were annoying.

What? I'm agreeing with you, Ron.

Well, this isn't a personal thing.

I just think it's a little nuts that people

are still putting their superstition over science.

Yeah, but there's truth to superstitions, though.

Mm-hmm.

Like how saying it's a quiet shift

makes it get busy. - Oh, my God.

It doesn't.

Or how full moons bring out the crazies.

- They don't. - Oh, come on.

Everybody has something that they believe in

that's not 100% proven.

Like, I'm into astrology.

Does the science hold up? No, but it's fun.

Wait, wait, hold on. Alex, you believe in astrology?

No. - I don't know.

I just think it's fun to read my horoscope

and see how people's signs match up

with their personalities. - Wow.

This'll be good. I'm a Capricorn.

So why don't you tell me about myself, Nostradamus?

Capricorns are supposed to be intelligent, ambitious leaders.

Oh, sure. OK.

That's a little interesting.

Oh.

Our philosophy here at St. Denis

is that you can't heal the body without also healing the soul,

and that is where Chaplain Steve comes in.

- Good morning. - Chaplain Steve is so amazing.

He speaks multiple languages.

How many languages do you speak?

- Two. - Two.

So bilingual. Wow.

Well, he provides so much comfort to those in need--

the elderly, the infirm. But don't worry.

I don't let him around the kids.

- What's that supposed to mean? - I'm just kidding.

I'm just kidding.

And that's priests, not chaplains.

Not all priests, but, of course, some.

So what are you talking to Mrs. Gutierrez about?

Doña Maria and I were just discussing

the importance of faith. - Faith, yes.

Oh, I'm obsessed with faith. Go on.

Well, I-- I was telling her the story about

Naaman the Aramean, whose leprosy was cured

when the prophet Gehazi had him bathe

in the Jordan River. - Mm.

Mm, mm, mm. I love it.

Sorry, did you say the prophet Gehazi?

Gehazi, yes.

Oh.

Cool.

First of all, that's a parable about grace,

not faith.

Also, the prophet in that story is Elisha.

Gehazi is his servant, who he cursed with leprosy.

I mean, I learned this stuff when I was seven

in a coloring book.

Mr. Plemmons in 3 is recovering.

Should be able to go home soon. - Well, that's great news.

Knock on wood.

Well, if we're still on this, that is Formica,

and I'm sure that is a pet peeve

for your wood demons.

Oh, it's the thought that counts.

- And the amoxicillin. - Yes, that's true, actually.

They both count, OK?

Only, magical thinking, that doesn't really do anything.

You're wrong, dude.

There's weird stuff you can't explain.

Like, every time I wear my lucky pink socks,

nobody codes.

So why don't you wear them every day?

Because that'd be gross.

And my laundry is in the basement.

Well, I mean, I wish all that magic did work.

It'd make my job a whole lot easier.

Zap! No more cirrhosis.

Zap! No more cancer.

- Wait, I have cancer? - Uh, no, no.

We're just kidding, man. You good.

In Serena's defense, though, there is some evidence

behind magical thinking. You know,

like, carrying a rabbit's foot

might not cure hypertension,

but if rubbing one calms you down,

then it could lower your blood pressure.

That's my girl.

That's just the placebo effect.

That doesn't mean mystical spirits

are working behind the scenes.

I'm just saying, don't mess with stuff

you don't understand. - Or what?

Maybe we don't find out or what,

and we all just do our jobs.

Attention, people. Quick announcement.

I'm calling on all spirits, good and evil,

to use your magic and your powers

to hex this place. So I guess we'll see.

No, I get that it's alarming

that your finger smells like that,

but you still have to wait your turn.

Hi, um, I brought my Aunt Maria's cross,

Maria Gutierrez. She's getting her appendix out.

- You can just give it to me. - Oh, it's just outside.

Mother [bleep].

Going to need to leave this gauze on for a bit.

Take it easy.

Maybe save that mud wrestling for another night, OK?

Well, I hope you're happy.

Oh, I haven't been happy in years.

I'm satisfied.

I just drained the most beautiful abscess.

I mean, this thing was, mwah.

I meant 'cause your hex already started.

That guy who came in for heatstroke,

they found melanoma on his ear, so nice work.

Someone comes to a hospital

and is diagnosed with a disease?

This is unheard of.

OK, well, how do you explain Nurse Angie getting pink eye

from the patient in 2?

We had to send her home for the day.

Angie got pink eye

because she doesn't wash her damn hands.

Transport to vascular imaging please.

Uh, and this is one of our walls

that you may recognize from the hallways.

Oh, Chaplain Steve. How goes it?

You doing that God's work or what?

- Sure. - Nice.

You know, I actually grew up pretty relig myself.

What denomination you repping?

I don't disclose that.

It muddies my work as an interfaith chaplain.

OK, Catholic. Just kidding.

Anyway, I'm pretty new around here,

as you can probably tell, and I'm just learning so much.

I guess I kind of feel like the Apostle Paul

whenever he attended the Sermon on the Mount.

You ever have days like that? - Sure, sure.

Those Paul mountain moments? All the time.

- Hmm. - But if you'll excuse me, I--

I really should be going. - Yeah.

Yes, you should.

I'm sorry, so you think our chaplain is a liar?

Not a liar, a fraud, Joyce.

And this is because of a disagreement about scripture?

He thinks Paul attended the Sermon on the Mount.

Oh, OK, I guess while Paul was out spreading

the good word in Asia, he also had a moment

to build a time machine.

I know I have a lot to learn on the nursing side.

I admit that.

But the Bible?

Let's just say when you're only allowed to read one book,

you get to know that book pretty well.

Well, you know, he probably just misspoke.

I say things all the time. I can't defend half of it.

What do we know about this guy, really?

He's a chaplain.

His name is Steve. He's Chaplain Steve.

Yeah, says who, OK?

Where did he go to divinity school?

You know, who ordained him?

I mean, did you even bother to do a background check, Joyce?

Did you do your job, Joyce?

Excuse me?

Sorry, um, I had a black tea this morning,

and that will never happen again.

I'll stick to water.

You know, there's a lot to it.

Hmm?

There's a lot to this astrology stuff.

Oh, yeah. It's fun, right?

It's fascinating.

I mean, it sucks that it's been appropriated

by all these woo-woo white ladies

because when you really think about it,

the science backs it up.

It's not about the science for me.

I just like it.

Well, you might think, are Capricorns actually tough?

But a baby born in winter would have to be

more resilient from an evolutionary standpoint.

I mean, the weaker babies simply wouldn't make it.

OK, I-- I got to take this.

I'm actually thinking, the moon moves the ocean,

so why wouldn't it affect a fetus?

Yeah.

A fetus is smaller than an ocean.

It's actually way smaller.

I've actually decided this goes

in the women's restroom now, so...

Oh, wow. Huh.

Oh! Oh! Hey, Val, do you need a hand?

Yes. Thank you so much.

Of course. Happy to help.

Hey, anyone around to give Val a hand?

She's really struggling here!

Hang in there.

Mitch, call maintenance for the guy in 1.

His TV's not working.

For some reason.

Those flat screens are from the Clinton era.

And the printer in Zone B just ran out of ink,

so we can't use it.

The low toner light's been blinking for days.

My son just called.

He didn't make varsity. Thanks, Ron.

OK, enough.

These are just normal things that happen all the time.

People get sick. Electronics break.

And, Keith, no offense. I met your son.

He's an inside kid.

So can we all just take a breath?

- Dr. Taylor, what happened? - Oh, I went for a quick hike.

I got bit by a rattlesnake. - Antivenom in 105!

Surgeons getting bit by snakes.

Is that something that happens all the time?

I feel like I'd remember that.

He says he graduated from your divinity school in 2010.

Steve Lassen. He's 5'10", brown eyes.

With some golden flecks.

- Oh, I never noticed that. - Mm-hmm.

They're nice.

Yeah, no record of that name here.

Yes! We got him.

Are you sure? Maybe you can check again.

Uh, just checked again. Still nothing.

OK, um, well, thanks for your help,

and, uh, blessed be the fruits of your day.

As if I don't have enough to do today already.

Fire a chaplain, hire a chaplain.

Paperwork, paperwork.

Feels pretty good, though, right?

Should we take this across the board?

I could start looking into some of the doctors.

No! No, no, not needed.

Oh, because I have already checked,

and they're fine.

Win for Matt.

So with Dr. Taylor out, I'll be handling

the Gutierrez appendectomy.

I could really use your help. - Sure. What's up?

So it looks like Uranus is completing its cycle,

which, I don't have to tell you,

it could be alarming. What do you think?

- You've eaten today, right? - Hey. Hi. Hey.

I need you here, Alex. Come on.

This isn't [bleep] Pluto we're dealing with.

This is serious.

- Oh, no. - .

Oh, you brought your crystals.

Do we really need these?

We got to shake up the energy in here.

There's snakes now.

Well, I've always said the fate of our patients

rests on whether or not there's a tiny piece

of quartz on this counter.

You, you saved the hospital!

First off, that's peach moonstone.

And I'm not saying these can, like, cure kidney disease,

but there is something real about vibes.

So are these vibes here with us right now in the room?

Yes, just because you can't see something

doesn't mean it's not there.

I mean, we've only known about germs for, like, 200 years.

- That's not a bad point. - Thank you.

- Oh, not you too. - I'm just saying.

I refuse to live in a world in which you are on their side.

At the very least, the hex has gotten into

people's heads. It's been a very weird day.

And not to make this about me, but I think Bruce

and I are best friends now,

and it's been very destabilizing.

So can you just please, please, please,

can you just indulge everyone and say the hex is over?

No, I'm not going to validate some kind of nonsense

that leads to bad medicine.

If I give in on this, then I'm part of the problem.

OK.

So the hex stays because the hex isn't real.

In fact, I'm doubling down on the hex.

Double hex, people. - Actually--

And before you say one hex

can cancel out the other, triple hex!

Damn it.

Ah! Where's the [bleep] antivenom?

Almost ready, Steph.

Technically, the word is "antivenin," not "venom."

It's a common mistake.

Thank God you were here, Bruce.

That was a close one. - Jesus, what happened here?

I got bit by a rattlesnake.

So now we're down a nurse, a chaplain, and a surgeon?

What is with today?

Ron, you want to take this one?

Yeah, it's fine.

We're going to give her the antivenom for the bite...

Venin.

And maybe toss in some crystals

and change the vibe of the poison.

It actually doesn't look too bad, honestly.

It's, you know, swollen, pale, kind of blotchy.

- It's the other one. - Oh, my God!

That's much worse.

- Yeah. - Wow, that was one snake?

- Yeah. - You're kidding.

Oh, wow.

- I'm sorry. - Bruce!

- I don't know why I did that. - Can you--

There's really not much else I can say

other than I'm so sorry.

You almost got away with it,

but you want to know where you slipped up?

- Not really. - Can I still do my speech?

Steve, I'm going to have to let you go.

You're firing me because

I didn't graduate divinity school?

Joyce, I'm a good chaplain.

I don't need an official degree to comfort the sick.

Look, I want to do this even less than you, believe me,

but St. Denis has a zero tolerance policy

for lying about credentials.

And we all know where liars go.

Oh, or maybe you don't know.

Who is this guy?

Yeah, it's incredible.

Astrology really helps you reframe toxic narratives.

For instance, this resident Carrie and I had this thing,

and I always thought she broke up with me

because I cheated on her, but, no,

it turns out we were both cheating--

our fate. Yeah.

I'm an earth sign. She's a fire sign.

Totally incompatible.

Whereas her sister and I, well--

You!

Grab the other end of this!

- Oh, I'm not really-- - Just do it!

Uh, OK, fine. Yeah. OK.

All right, hold on, hold on. I got it.

Yeah, there. How's that? - Go left.

- Yeah, OK. - No, left!

- My hands are wet. - We're so close.

Let's just get there. - Yeah.

- Hurry up! - Oh!

Ow!

Oh, my finger.

Damn it.

Are you sure you can handle this?

Oh.

Yeah, this should be a total breeze.

Just because we're down a chaplain

doesn't mean people have suddenly stopped

needing spiritual guidance.

Luckily, there's someone on staff

who's an expert in both medicine and the Bible.

Also, the sequel to the Bible that my grandpa wrote.

This is just a temporary fix.

You will not believe what happens to masturbators in it.

OK, I have a script. Let us pray.

Amen.

Heavenly Father, Bless Mr. Name--

uh, his-- his name, which is Mr. Normand.

You know, I think the D might be silent.

He kind of looks French to me. - For sure.

Um, bless Mr. Normand or "Nor-mahn,"

depending on his Frenchness, Lord,

in this time of weakness and comfort him

with the promise of loading next page--

uh, with the promise of eternal life.

You don't have this memorized?

This is my first time doing this.

I'm trying to find the groove-- - Keep going.

Keep going. - Almighty God, we entrust--

It's gambling time!

Subscribe for instant $200 credit.

No, no, no, no, no, no. You know what?

- No questions asked. - I'm just going to--

I'm going to subscribe.

Do you have a credit card I could use or--

Uh, sorry. Let me fix that.

Um-- oh, that is not life support.

So no big deal. I can turn this off.

Nope.

There's a plug. - Désolé.

God, what a day.

We almost lost the second most valuable

instrument in this hospital-- my hand.

Mm-hmm. Good thing it's not broken.

Yeah, but still, the swelling's not

going down anytime soon, and Mrs. Gutierrez

can't really risk another delay,

so I'm going to need you to do the surgery.

What? What happened to the backup?

I was the backup. What's the problem, Ron?

You've done this plenty of times.

Yeah, not in, like, a decade.

And this time, it'll be even easier because

you'll have access to the first most valuable

instrument in the hospital--

my brain.

I know what'll help.

I'll show you a GIF of that "you can do it" guy

from those Adam Sandler movies, you know.

You can do it!

So funny.

- Ready for the first trocar. - All right, here we go.

Be confident, but go easy.

Mean it, but don't force it.

Be gentle, but-- - Stop talking.

Such a Pisces.

Well, that didn't go perfectly,

but it was just my first time,

and I think if I could practice on some already dead people--

sounds spooky-- but I'm brave and--

Chaplain Steve, you're still here.

I promised Mrs. Gutierrez I'd be here when she wakes up.

I hope that's OK with you. - Yes, of course.

Actually, that's very-- that's very thoughtful.

These are from home.

I brought the cotton balls in,

and then now I'm taking them home.

Look, in the spirit of grace and whatnot,

I would like you to stay on as chaplain.

- We should probably talk-- - What?

OK, but you're going to have to go to divinity school

at night on your own dime.

- Is this an official-- - Is that fair?

Absolutely. Thank you so much.

- Oh. - I appreciate this.

It's all right.

Blessings be upon you.

And, hey, no hard feelings, man.

You know, it's actually a really tough job,

and you seem to be super good at it, so...

Honestly, dude, step off me right now.

Oh.

Uh, OK.

Uh, sorry.

Perfect. Camera's where you want it.

Now try to get to the colon, and we'll be right there.

There's a lot of scar tissue.

That's OK. Keep going. See if you can push past it.

- Can't seem to get around it. - Behind.

Nice and easy. That's it, real gentle.

Uh-oh, uh-oh, ooh. Are you seeing this, Bruce?

Yeah, wow, all right, it's really starting to bleed.

I can't see. I need suction.

You're gonna have to open her up.

- What? - You know you have to, Ron.

Open her up.

All right, we're opening her up!

Give me a 10 blade.

Let's have the appendectomy retractor

and DeBakey clamp ready. - Yes, Doctor.

Let's transfuse two units of packed red blood cells.

- Transfusing two units. - Ron?

- BP is dropping. - Ron, we need to move.

I heard you.

- 80, 70. - Come on, Ron.

OK, all right, all right.

Oh, I wouldn't call what I did in there prayer.

It was, uh, more a verbal, uh, centering of--

Look, there are no atheists in the foxhole, OK?

Nice.

- Hey, great job in there. - Thank you.

Just like riding a bike,

which is, frankly, terrifying at my age.

It seemed like you were talking to someone in the sky,

perhaps like a sky scientist? - Hmm.

Heavenly Father, please make her disappear.

Oh, wow. Well, she's not going anywhere.

This is a hard job for all of us.

And you learn pretty early on

that you have to cling to whatever's going to get you

through the day, whether that's your beliefs

or your friendships or even just a lucky pair of socks.

You do what you have to do because

we're all here for the same reason.

We want to help people. - Alex. Oh, excuse me.

This is important.

How familiar are you with the Chinese zodiac?

So I'm Year of the Monkey.

And since Capricorn's a goat, that makes me a goat monkey

or, as I call it, a "gonkey."

Um, let me go get a pen. I'll draw it for you.

It was just something I like to do sometimes, you know?

For fun. It was-- it was fun.