Original subtitles

♪ Now it's up to me

♪ To make my world a happy one

♪ Set my feelings free

♪ To let the sun shine in

♪ Too late now to turn around

♪ To let the shadows bring me down

♪ I've got to try and if I fall

♪ I'll fall and I will rise again

♪ Set my feelings free

♪ I know that all I need to do

♪ Somehow will be done

♪ 'Cause it is done

♪ For you can't make believe

♪ I'm someone else

♪ I know it's up to me

♪ Too late now to turn around

♪ I know the way I want to be

♪ I see the life I want to lead

♪ I know the one I want with me ♪

(HORN HONKING)

Albin!

Albin!

Albin? Albin!

...seven and eight.

And now, one and two and three and four and five.

And one and two and three and four. Extend now.

One and two and three...

Albin!

ALBIN: Yes! All right, I'm coming! Now, I've hurt myself.

Here we are. You see what happens when I'm rushed.

Oh, the whole thing is outrageous. Outrageous.

Oh, look at me. What do you think?

You look ravishing!

An undertaker. A blackbird.

A horror! I expect people will throw stones at me. Hmm?

I look ridiculous like this.

What do you mean "ridiculous"?

You look absolutely normal.

Oh, yes. Oh, it's normal to look dreary and miserable when you dress this way.

Oh, sure. With a pair of bangles in your ears, you'd look much happier.

Oh!

No. Come to Mummy. Oh, here we are my little Rambo.

Now, you will look after Rambo for me, won't you?

But why don't you take him to Scotland with you?

To Scotland? No, they don't let animals into the country.

Oh, no. I'd never get him past the customs.

But after all, he's only stuffed.

Oh, simply... But, no, stuffed.

Oh, you can't go to Scot... No!

Oh, well! Do look, the mistress in fancy dress.

Oh! You see, the insults are starting!

Jacob, just go look for me in the kitchen!

(GROANS)

ALBIN: Thank you.

Goodbye now, my pet. Say to Mummy, "Goodbye, Mummy.

"Goodbye, Mummy."

God bless. Oh!

♪ I'll take the high road and you'll take the... ♪

(DANCERS LAUGHING)

(DANCERS CHEERING)

DANCER: Oh, my dear, I don't believe it!

(DANCERS MOCKING)

All dolled up like a pig!

Oh, look! It's Tyrone Power!

Do you think she's wearing a bra underneath all that?

Boys! That will be enough of that.

Just ignore them.

(DANCERS CHATTERING)

Come on. Come on. Let's go.

Hurry up. You'll miss the plane.

Why are you shuffling like that? Come on, hurry!

All right. I can't walk properly in flat shoes.

You know that. I lose my balance. It's terrible.

Be serious, Albin.

In Scotland, you've got to present yourself

as being respectable when the lawyers read the will.

You can't turn up in high heels. For God's sake, be reasonable.

Oh, I can't bear it. My clothes itch, my socks, my trousers.

Everything itches. It's quite impossible.

Look who's there.

Oh!

...so the Party of Order and Morality

of which I am honored to be president

would like me, for the final time, to extend congratulations

for your high moral tone in this region.

Papa!

Mumsie!

Hello, darling.

You see Mumsie's awful rags? You know why?

But you look fine.

Oh, hear the boy?

Going to Scotland for the inheritance?

Actually I feel more like I'm going to a funeral or something.

Just look at me, dear.

Nonsense! Excuse me, I have to go to work.

Of course. Should we go and kiss your father-in-law?

Not here. He'll have a stroke on the spot.

Bye, Mummy.

See you, Papa.

Bye-bye.

Come on, let's go.

I hope he didn't see us.

Now hurry up. Just walk properly.

Try to look as inconspicuous as possible.

(CAMERA CLICKING)

Gentlemen, let me say that I'm very satisfied with this visit I made to your province.

Thank you.

Thank you.

MAN: Thank you, Mr. Charrier.

I don't have to remind you how important to us this inheritance is.

As you know, we are faced with a total financial disaster.

So will you please...

You see that cheeky boy over there,

eyeing you up like that?

Who?

That gigolo there. He's looking at you.

See him? Flirting with you.

Who, me?

Yes, you. Not me.

Listen, Albin. Whatever happens, we've got to do something

about settling our debts. And this...

Oh, it's ridiculous. Why isn't that man looking my way?

God.

Obviously this suit makes me completely invisible.

I blend into the walls, just like part of the airport.

(GROANS) I can't stand much more of it.

Come on, let's sit somewhere else. Come along.

I'd really like to slap your face but I'm not going to.

Ogling people you don't know. Wherever were you brought up? Degenerate.

Well...

Goodbye, darling.

Just remember not to make an exhibition of yourself.

Uh-huh.

MAN: Passport.

My passport. Do what you like.

My feet hurt. Oh, these shoes. Problem with my feet.

Thank you, dear.

Our bags, bagages. Yes.

Here we are.

(ALARM RINGING)

Bye-bye.

Sir, this way, please.

Me? Do you see me?

Come along, sir. This way.

Here I come.

You've set off the alarm.

Oh!

How awful. It's never happened to me before, I swear.

You see, I... Oh.

Empty your pockets, please.

Come along, sir. Empty your pockets.

I feel like a spy. You mean you want to see...

Take a look. This is my everyday makeup.

Now this is different, you see?

I think you must have some metal object on you.

Objects?

Metal, yes.

But I've already... Metal.

Yes, metal.

Yes, of course, I have some.

I have this. It's metal. Interesting, isn't it? I'll open it.

Yes, that's all right, sir. Thank you, sir. Thank you.

There we are.

Well, you can see for yourself. I think this one's enchanting.

See what you think. Isn't it? Little more?

Might be a trifle pale.

But for you, something more rugged like that.

Madam, this way, please.

Thank you, ma'am.

There we are. Hmm. He's gone off and left me.

Oh! He didn't care. All right, I don't mind. I just don't believe it.

He asked to see my things then when I show him, he's not interested at all.

He thinks we're drug-traffickers.

I'm not a trafficker, all right? I've got powder, a bit of face powder.

He didn't even give me a proper body search.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

It's outrageous, to make

what I can only call these scandalous insinuations

which you may think mean absolutely nothing

but which I find grossly insulting.

Welcome to Scotland, Mr. Mougeotte.

Now you're here, we'll be able to proceed with the reading of the will.

The other side, please.

The other side. Yes.

Good morning, sir.

Here we are.

Comfortable?

Come along. Cover yourself up, dear. Cover yourself.

That's what the blanket's for. There we are.

DULAC: Here we are.

If the ground plan which my colleague in Aberdeen sent me is correct,

your late Aunt Emma's estate starts just here

and then stretches all the way to the sea down there.

Oh, but the sea is such a long way away.

It certainly is. But the estate goes even further.

Oh, very good. It goes even further, nice.

But does that mean the sea is mine, or...

Sorry, no.

No, the sea. You know? The sea.

Yes, it's mine.

No, no. Sorry, no. I'm afraid not.

No, it's not.

DULAC: All inland waters, rivers, burns, lochs, yes. But the sea, no.

ALBIN: The sea, no?

Now here are your fields, you see?

Ah! And some of your farm laborers.

LABORER: Aye, mornin'.

(SHEEP BLEATING)

DULAC: All those sheep are yours.

All these trees are yours and here are some of your woodcutters.

Oh, beautiful specimens.

Some of them are more than 200 years old.

The woodcutters?

Sorry?

Oh, excuse me. The trees you mean.

Of course.

No, I thought you meant the woodcutters. I'm sorry.

A little misunderstanding there. No problem.

And here we have your castle and these are your servants, Mr. Mougeotte.

Fine.

Sir.

Oh, how nice.

Very pleased to welcome you, sir.

Tallyho.

This way, sir.

Hi.

Oh, yes. Excuse me.

Good day to you, sir. I'm Mrs. McPherson, sir.

And this is Angela.

Oh, yes. Angela. How do you do?

How do you do?

Eleanor.

Eleanor. Oh, what a sweetie.

Oh, but they're all... They're all charming.

Here we have the kitchen staff and the ground staff, sir.

Oh, how do you do?

We already met.

Oh, sorry. Oh, this is very, very confusing.

Oh, the kitchen staff! Bon appetit.

Oh, half of Scotland. Don't be disappointed.

After all, half is better than nothing, isn't it? Oh, yes.

Oh, they're all wearing kilts.

Oh, my dear, they're all quite superb. In fact what's more,

what do you say to a new dance, eh?

Yes! To put in the revue. We'll replace the bees ballet

with a Scots extravaganza.

Oh, no! You beast! You are terrible. Don't be so crude.

Don't worry now. All our problems are solved, aren't they?

There'll be plenty of money. Oh, before you go, let me tell you,

(CLEARS THROAT)

I'm in here like a little gentleman.

Yes, you needn't worry. Oh, believe me, quite restrained.

(LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY) Yeah. And you.

And you. I must go now. Nice Mr. Dulac has just walked in.

Yes, but don't worry. Silly boy.

Yes, what is it?

We have to get on with the reading of the will, sir.

(LAUGHS) I was just... Oh, dear, I'm quite flustered.

Please, this way, Mr. Mougeotte.

Let me introduce you to Mr. Kennedy, the executor of the estate.

Mr. Mortimer Woodson, your cousin.

Do please sit down, gentlemen.

We will now read the last will and testament of your maternal aunt,

the late Miss Emma MacGovern.

Please proceed.

(CLEARS THROAT)

"This is my last will and testament.

"I leave to my nephew, Albin Mougeotte..."

Present.

(CLEARS THROAT)

"...the following bequeath. The estate Manor Whalsey,

"and all my stocks, shares, bonds and securities

"which are valued currently at 10 million pounds..."

(WHISPERING) That'll be one hundred million francs at least.

(GASPS)

"...and which are deposited in the Aberdeen branch of Barclays Bank.

"And in addition, the title Duke of Wellington."

I prefer duchess. Sorry.

This legacy has a condition attached to it.

And if this is not respected by the said Albin Mougeotte...

Mougeotte.

...he will be disinherited and will forfeit everything to his cousin Mortimer Woodson.

This is the condition.

"My beneficiary, Mr. Mougeotte, must have a wife

"to whom he is legally married

"and a legitimate child by the said wife within 18 months

"from the date of the reading of my will."

(GASPS) Would you repeat that, please? I didn't quite...

No, I'll explain it.

(CHUCKLES) Excuse us. Yes.

You see, you have to be married.

Mmm-hmm.

What?

You must be married.

Yes, but with

a female?

Oh, yes, naturally, and have a child.

(GASPS)

(WHIMPERS)

(GROANS)

Mr. Mougeotte. Mr. Mougeotte.

It's all right. Mr. Mougeotte.

(GRUNTING) Come on now, Mr. Mougeotte.

Mr. Mougeotte, pull yourself together.

What time does the next plane go?

At 5:00, I think.

It's all right, Mr. Mougeotte. There you go.

That's it. Can you manage?

Take it easy.

Careful.

Yes, I'll be with you in a moment, Mr. Mougeotte.

(EXHALES)

Please.

Ah, yes. Mr. Mougeotte!

Mr. Mougeotte!

Well, Mr. Kennedy, what do you think?

I think you're about to become enormously wealthy.

(CHUCKLES)

Oh, no. Now it's raining as well.

That's Scotland for you.

Oh.

(HONKING)

Mr. Mougeotte, I understand your problem, believe me.

Some problem, dear.

But surely for 10 million,

wouldn't it be at least worth a try? Don't you think?

I wouldn't dream of it, Mr. Dulac.

Something's are impossible. Even for 10 million.

Would you marry me for example, for 10 million?

Mmm. Well, I might.

Are you really serious about me? Mad fool.

Let's get this clear, Dulac. There never was an inheritance.

It was a misunderstanding, hmm?

We won't mention it again.

Mr. Mougeotte, I beg you to reconsider.

Mr. Mougeotte.

Yes.

Ten million pounds.

Look at the documents. It's all there.

Oh, but I understand everything. It's perfectly simple.

Oh!

My bag, please. My case and my hat box. Thank you.

Oh!

Ah, Renato.

Albin.

Oh, I feel as if I've been away for an eternity.

Oh.

How much?

An eternity.

No, I mean how much?

How much of what?

Inheritance.

Isn't it customary to begin with some sort of polite comment?

For example, "How are you?

"Did you have good weather? Was it a nice trip?

"Did you remember to wear your woolly?" Hmm?

If I must. I hope you remembered to wear a sweater in the evening.

A little late, young man.

Fine. And now, perhaps you can tell me how things went in Scotland.

I have the right to know that at least.

No sunshine. Lots of rain.

I get the horrors when I'm flying. There's nothing else to tell you.

Oh, really? You haven't mentioned the inheritance, the castle.

And how about the money?

That was a mistake.

A mistake?

Yes, a mistake...

(GASPS)

(BAGPIPES PLAYING)

(WHOOPING)

Oh, no. Stop that. It's grotesque. Oh!

Grotesque? I thought that's what you wanted.

I don't want it anymore. I've just decided to cancel it.

Throw away the bagpipe tape, will you?

Oh, I never want to hear another bagpipe in my life.

I never want to hear Scotland mentioned ever again.

(ALL CLAMORING)

It's not my fault.

It was a mistake I tell you.

What are you talking about?

It couldn't possibly be a mistake.

Lawyers just don't make mistakes.

No, no. Unfortunately, in this kind of business,

errors are very frequent, you see?

(STAMMERING) Can't avoid them. I mean, when I got there, to, uh,

talk to the lawyer it, uh, turned out they were looking for

someone called Albert.

Oh, I said, "No, before we go any further my name is Albin."

"Oh, no, I want Albert Mougeois."

I think it was a Mougeois.

"Oh! My name is Albin Mougeotte."

"Albin Mougeotte?" He said, "No, Albert Moug..."

And I said, "Fine. In that case it's obviously not me."

And what have you got in here?

Oh, it's only a few brochures, you know.

Brochures, tourist guides. Do I have to endure this grilling?

I'm quite exhausted enough already, if you don't mind.

Mistress, did you remember to wear a sweater, honey?

Oh, you love. Somebody thinks about me.

What about the inheritance? You brought all the money with you?

Get out!

(GROANS)

Right. If you don't mind, I'm quite worn out and I'm going to freshen up.

I'm very tired so I shall take off this humiliating outfit

and run a bath because I feel quite dead.

You heard that? Dead.

Dead. Dead. Dead.

Excuse me!

Oh, la, la. I can see it's going to be a terrible winter.

(SIGHS)

(LOCK CLICKS)

Well, look at that. A voyeur at the key hole. How vulgar.

Albin, do you know who telephoned me this morning?

Only the bank manager.

And guess how big our overdraft is?

Ah, no. Mustn't talk about money.

Albin.

If we don't get our hands on this inheritance, we are ruined.

That's it. Catastrophe. We're finished.

(GASPS)

Albin, can you hear me?

(GROANS)

(DOOR OPENING)

I hurt your eye, my angel?

No.

Good.

Feeling fit now, are we, girls? Good.

Everybody ready?

DANCER: Wanna see my dying swan?

Why is she always late for rehearsals?

I don't know.

Zaza. Zaza!

Here I am. There we are. Oh, la, la.

(ALL APPLAUDING)

Here I am.

(GIGGLING) It's a success, no?

Oh, and I'm much thinner.

Stupendous. A real wasp waist.

(GASPS) A bee, Renato! Not a wasp.

We'll begin by trying out the equipment for the aerial number.

Armand, you ready?

Ready.

Fasten me tightly.

(LAUGHING) Be careful, can't you?

Come on, let's go. Up, up, up.

Go, go, go.

Easy does it. Slowly. Up, up.

Good. Very nice. Well done, boys. Wonderful.

I really feel I'm flying. No, no, don't let go. No, keep hold of my feet,

just in case. That's it.

(ALBIN WHOOPS)

Don't worry, it's quite safe.

You're sure it'll hold me?

Yeah, don't worry about it. Places, girls.

MAN: (ON INTERCOM) Places, places. Up, up now.

ALBIN: Oh, I'm flying. I'm flying.

Up, up. Come on.

Oh, Renato.

Queen bee. Up, up. Queen bee.

Not so high.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

No, no, no. Too high. Too high.

Now, take down the bee. Slowly, slowly.

(VACUUM WHIRRING)

Mrs. Petipas.

(WHIRRING STOPS)

Can't you see that this is a very dangerous operation?

Please wait until I have finished before doing the cleaning.

MAN: Okay, let's start again.

ALBIN: I'm queen of the bees. Za-za-za-za.

PETIPAS: Bees don't go, "Za-za-za-za." They go "zzz."

She's right, you know. They do go "zzz."

ALBIN: Oh, come on, Mrs. Petipas, how many times do I have to tell you,

if you must clean something, go and clean the tables outside.

Oh, just go away.

MAN: All right, girls. Come on. Let's get started again now.

Come on. Let's try all the bees together.

ALBIN: Come on, girls.

MAN: Now the queen.

After me.

(BUZZING)

(ALL BUZZING)

"I leave to my nephew, Albin Mougeotte, all my worldly goods..."

Ah. "...together with all my estate at Whalsey.

"The castle, out buildings, and the title of lord of the manor."

Ah, he's a millionaire after all, the lying toad.

"And a stock portfolio to the value of..."

(BABBLING)

"...ten million sterling."

Ten million.

(LAUGHS)

Ten million. What's that?

(MUMBLING)

Where are you, Renato?

That's 100 million francs! Coming in a minute.

"But this legacy is on one condition.

"My nephew, Albin Mougeotte, must be married and his wife must..."

Oh, no. "...have a child by him within a maximum of

"18 months from..." Oh, God.

How are we gonna do that?

But for 100 million francs, there must be a way of doing it.

Children are always being born.

And I'll make sure that one of them is Albin's.

(ALL CHATTERING)

All right, girls. Oh, Renato!

Renato! Renato! Oh, Renato!

It worked. It worked. Renato!

It worked! It'll be fine. No problems. I was flying.

Where are you, Renato? Renato, where are you?

Jacob!

Here I come. Here I come.

Hurry up, Jacob. Help me off with my wings, will you?

Oh, mistress! You look just like an angel.

Not an angel. No. no. I'm queen of the bees, dear. I feel like stinging somebody.

Renato, where are you?

Renato!

(SIGHS)

(GASPS)

Oh, thank goodness. Oh!

Looking for me, Albin?

(GASPS)

(SIGHS) You gave me a fright.

I wonder why you are so nervous.

Ah! Perhaps you're hiding something.

First of all, what are you doing in my room like this?

I'll ask the questions if you don't mind.

I repeat, I want to know what you're hiding from me.

Nothing at all.

I've nothing to hide.

You're lying through your teeth.

I can see it in your eyes.

You better come clean, Albin.

I want to hear the truth.

I admit it.

I lied to you.

There is no Albert Mougeois.

It was for me, the inheritance.

So we're rich. Oh, I'm sorry. You're rich.

No.

No? But why?

(STAMMERING) Because in fact, you know,

this castle Aunt Emma left me,

well, it's tiny.

Oh, a shed you might say.

Ten foot square.

(STAMMERING) It's like a broom cupboard. A broom cupboard.

You know, the sort of place where you keep animals.

I couldn't possibly live in it.

Oh, an animal shed. Hmm.

Exactly, yes. With sheep inside.

The whole place is falling down. Even the sheep think it's a pigsty.

Well, that's just what it is. A pigsty.

What's more, this pigsty for sheep is up on top of a cliff.

I just read the will.

Yup.

How dare you.

Forgive me, Albin.

Look, I understand your problem but a pigsty worth 100 million

is a problem worth solving.

Okay, there's the minor detail of converting

a part of the pigsty into a nursery,

but as for the baby... Albin, I'm not boasting now,

it's okay, you can let me fix that.

What do you mean by the phrase "fix that"? What you mean?

Nothing, only, you see...

(NERVOUS CHUCKLE) A child, I've already...

What I mean, you see, is that for me, it's not altogether impossible.

Oh, never. I can't allow that.

Stop. I don't want to talk about it.

You're looking in great shape, Laurent.

I'm really proud of you.

I can see that marriage agrees with you. And the job, huh?

It's great. My father-in-law promoted me to director of publicity.

Ah! Congratulations. A responsible position.

I really enjoy it. You know, job satisfaction.

Yeah, I can believe that.

I wish I could say the same, but unfortunately...

Uh, look, Papa, I know you're having problems

and I thought if I gave you this, maybe...

Take it, Dad. It's a gift from my father-in-law.

And I've got the same name as you have.

No, it's for you, not me. And I couldn't possibly accept a gift from my own son.

Oh, come on. Take it. It was for buying a new car.

The old one still works just fine. Come on.

Only don't just spend it on a necklace for Albin. Hmm?

Mmm.

Okay, but it's a loan, all right?

I promise I'll pay you back.

Thanks, Laurent.

One, two. One, two, three, four.

One, two. One, two, three. From the toes.

One, two, three. One, two, three, four.

I've just seen Laurent. Laurent.

Who?

Laurent! Oh. You've seen your son, have you?

You're happy now? Happy now?

Not very, no.

Oh, but why not?

You see this?

Oh!

A check.

That's right.

You mean you asked him for money?

No.

He gave it to me.

Oh, sweet boy.

He gave up buying a new car to give me this. Do you realize that?

Poor little boy.

A new car. Yes.

Oh, well. Aren't you a lucky little daddy?

And what can we do with 80 thousand francs?

Oh, I don't know.

It's just a drop in the bucket.

Oh, yes, I know that.

It's just about enough to pay for your costumes.

Oh, leave me alone.

All right, what about the sets?

We can't pay for them.

Oh, go away, will you?

And the wigs, the stage hands. And there's the makeup. I have to pay for all of it.

Flying about is very difficult and dangerous, too. Just leave me alone.

What about me, huh? You think my job isn't difficult?

Don't you realize everybody has to get paid?

And where do you think I'm gonna find the money?

Do what you like. It's nothing to do with me!

It's entirely your responsibility, the money.

(SCOFFS) At least you admit that.

You're the manager.

The manager, yes.

Go and manage, that's what you're supposed to be here for.

My role is on the stage, I provide the charm.

But what can we do about the bank?

(STAMMERING) I don't give a hoot about the bank!

Oh, can't you understand anything?

We've got no money left at all.

We're not just in the red any longer.

We're covered in the Red Sea of debt!

Oh, we're at the red lights, are we?

We'll push the button and they'll turn green.

(LAUGHS)

Very funny. You like green, huh?

I'm glad because green is the color of Scotland, huh?

(EXCLAIMS)

Repeat that.

Scotland.

I don't want to hear about Scotland.

Oh, I thought I must've misheard you.

But you mean the inheritance, don't you?

Oh, no. I just happened to mention Scotland.

Yes, every time you open your mouth,

you talk about the same thing, the inheritance.

I've already told you. Do I have to repeat myself?

Didn't you hear me?

Hold on a minute.

I don't want to have a single penny out of this stupid inheritance.

That's final. I won't change my mind.

Wait, Albin.

Albin says no! I'd rather die than take it.

(CRYING) No, Renato, I won't...

The Red Sea has turned into an ocean of bullshit.

Please think about it, Albin, seriously, if you're capable of it.

Not again. Can't you see I'm rehearsing?

I need to concentrate entirely on my part.

Go away, give me a chance.

All right, all right.

Mr. Baldi...

Please, not now. Later.

Oh, I really must speak to you, monsieur Baldi.

My wings, dear.

Monsieur Baldi, please listen.

ALBIN: Of course I'm ready.

I am the union representative for the whole of this troop.

And I request five minutes of your precious time, monsieur.

Who asked you to sit down?

(SIGHS)

Will you sit down please?

ALBIN: I'm quite ready, I'm waiting for you.

You are forcing this company to work to an outrageous time table.

But we accept that, although absolutely contrary to union rules.

(GASPS)

(SIGHS) These cheap nylons...

And if we do accept this infernal pace,

it is because we are professional, monsieur Baldi.

(EXCLAIMING)

Renato, Renato... Renato!

(LAUGHING)

How was that? It was good like that, eh?

Not fast enough.

Aren't you ever satisfied?

But we will not work without pay. It's out of the question.

Some of us haven't been paid for four weeks, may I remind you.

Well, that's not such a long time.

But if you don't pay us, we can't eat.

So we're going on a hunger strike, starting from today.

It'll do you good to go on a diet.

Just be patient, can't you?

So why doesn't she go back to playing basketball?

Renato, Renato, look out!

(BOTH SCREAMING)

Oh, no! Do something!

Give him the kiss of life, somebody!

Oh, Renato, how awful! How dreadful!

Oh, Mr. Baldi.

(SOBBING) Renato, Renato, can you see me?

Oh, tell me you're still alive. Oh, my dear.

Where am I?

(SOBBING) No, no!

Well, hello there, Mrs. Petipas.

How beautiful you are today.

Oh, he doesn't recognize me.

I've killed him, haven't I?

He's had a very severe concussion.

We'll need to do a series of head x-rays.

Oh, his head.

Where's the pain?

My feet.

Doctor,

he doesn't know which way up he is.

I'm afraid he may have damaged some of his sensitive nerve endings.

My what?

The sensitive nerves, my poor dear.

Ah! Good morning!

Good morning, Mr. Renato. Come in please.

You'd like me to prescribe tranquilizers for Albin?

Not for Albin, no. This time it's for me.

You don't feel well?

Oh, I'm feeling much better now, Doctor.

Of course it was a shock.

Let me ask you, would a shock like the one I've had cause side effects?

There must be some sort of emotional disorder you can produce for me

to make an impression on Albin.

(CHUCKLING) I don't understand.

If Albin believed there was a serious danger of my brain exploding,

or something like that, it would be in his own interest...

You're asking me to make a false diagnosis.

It's for Albin's sake I'm asking you this favor.

Ah! But it's very dangerous.

If Albin believes that you're practically at death's door

the shock would kill him.

Oh, but I don't have to be actually dying, I just want something serious.

Something nervous that'd impress Albin, hmm?

Listen to me.

The most serious of all possible scenarios with regards to Albin

is easy, you see.

What's that?

You discover quite suddenly that you fancy women.

(LAUGHING)

You don't feel too tired, huh?

Sure you don't want to sit down?

Oh, no. Oh, no, I'm fine.

Oh, but you really are recovering marvelously, aren't you?

Got your color back. Oh, you look great. Just great.

Yeah, yeah, I feel much, much better.

There's something I've been worried about.

It's that you're blaming yourself for the...

No, my dear. It was entirely my fault.

Oh, come on.

And don't worry, I'll look after all the business side

until you're quite better.

It's not difficult. I'll do all the paperwork, everything for you.

You can leave it all to me.

Where are you going? What are you doing?

Oh, those two girls. Do you know them?

No.

Then why were you following them?

I don't know. I think it's something to do with my accident.

You better take me home.

Yes, come along.

ALBIN: Come along, Rambo, time for walkies. That's right, out with Mummy.

(HUMMING)

Oh, no, no, no, Renato.

Now, come on. You're supposed to be having a rest, my dear. Hmm?

What are you reading? Dear? What's that?

(EXCLAIMS)

Oh, no! How revolting!

It'll give you nightmares.

Why should it? What are you talking about?

(SNIFFING)

Who's wearing perfume? You?

But of course it's me.

It's the perfume you gave to me.

You know, Gossamer Cyclone by Capron.

Remember?

No.

You don't like the smell?

I don't like it.

You have much too much on. And it's not very masculine, is it?

"Not very masculine"?

That's what I said.

For a man, it's not a suitable perfume.

Come on, I have to go to the cleaners.

Hold Rambo, will you? Come on.

(SIGHS) Oh, I can't believe this.

Oh, what a silly boy.

There we are now...

Excuse me. Haven't we met before someplace?

Is this your car?

Yes.

Ooh, please.

Let me do that. Here we are.

Very kind of you.

Ugh, not again.

If you ever need any help, my dear, of any kind.

Thank you. Thanks.

Come here. Come to Mummy. Come to Mummy.

Don't start all that again.

You start helping this awful female, naughty boy,

then you give her your address?

You've got to put a stop to all this. You hear Mummy?

Now, I want no more of it.

Now, Mummy'll buy you an ice cream and no more nonsense.

You're too young.

We'll have your favorite, with the cherries on it, shall we?

RENATO: And six and seven and eight...

And one and two...

Something wrong, Mr. Albin?

...and three and four and five, extend.

I'm afraid so, yes.

I'm so worried, Mrs. Petipas.

You see, there's something wrong with Renato.

He seems awkward, Mr. Baldi.

RENATO: Very nice. Okay.

I don't know why.

He's not like he usually is. He's...

He's bizarre.

I noticed just the same thing.

I won't say nothing about it.

I don't know what it is.

(GASPS)

(SIGHING) What's that?

No...

Excuse me.

Who do you want?

I've come about your advert.

About what advert?

I think you're looking for a ballerina. That's what it says.

(STAMMERING) Renato, Renato.

It's about the advert.

But it's a girl. Look...

Oh, yes.

I always felt the show lacked something.

What we need is a girl.

Especially one as pretty as this.

Thank you.

Mmm.

Have you gone quite off your head, Renato?

We can't use girls as well as boys. Oh, dear me.

In that case, what is the point of cross-dressing?

(LAUGHING)

I wish you'd make your voice sound a little deeper.

Who, me?

(LAUGHING)

More manly.

(MUMBLES)

See you later.

I'll wait.

Right, gentlemen, where were we?

Oh, dear.

Let's get it moving again.

So upsetting for me.

It's as if we live on different planets. Don't know what's gone wrong.

But I think it's pretty serious.

Okay, okay. Wait a minute.

(SOBBING) He's not at all well. What am I going to do?

(RINGING)

Dr. Beautich.

Hello, Doctor.

No. No, no, no. It's Albin.

Yes. No, it really is an emergency.

I must see you.

Oh, no, no, no. It is urgent.

No, no. It's not for me. No, I'm fine.

No, Renato's been acting strangely. I'm worried.

(SOBBING) Oh, I'll explain it all when I see you.

No, he's suddenly...

He... Excuse me, won't you, Doctor?

He's suddenly started doing horrible things.

Oh, more than once. It's happened several times.

Oh, I'd rather not talk about it on the telephone.

Oh, fine. Lovely.

Thank you!

Thanks awfully!

You're a darling.

(SOBBING) Bye.

(EXCLAIMS)

Mmm.

(GASPS)

What's going on?

Nothing. I never touched her. I didn't do anything, I promise you.

That's enough now.

That's the second time in two days. That's enough now.

You expect me to go through this performance every day?

(SCOFFS) I'll give in my notice.

I'm a respectable woman.

I have two children and a prescription to the National Geographic...

I'm sure it's not serious, darling.

You'll be all right.

We'll get you better.

In short, he's become normal again.

What do you mean, "normal"?

Normal for you maybe.

It looks to me like a classic case of the double inversion syndrome.

What we call the perversion reversion cycle.

As a doctor, I find it extremely interesting.

Oh, well, I'm glad it's so interesting for you.

I just want to get him back like he was before.

As a rule, the double inversion syndrome is difficult to cure completely.

Oh, I have seen some raving queens

who turned into absolute sex machine...

Oh, don't go on. That's enough, Doctor.

Now, surely there exists some sort of operation, a treatment. I'll do anything.

I'll even sacrifice myself. Doctor, trust me.

How much do I owe you?

Nothing, nothing.

Oh, well, you'll be seeing me again. I'll be back soon, I'm sure.

(SOBBING) Troubles aren't finished yet.

What a business.

Mistress, Mr. Renato has been arrested.

I don't know why. They called from the police station.

What?

(SHUDDERING)

What's he done now?

(WHIMPERS)

Excuse me, Doctor, but I'm having palpitations.

When you told me what he'd done, Doctor, I just collapsed.

Well, I immediately had a fainting fit, Inspector.

I feel quite...

(GROANING)

But, you see, he doesn't do it normally.

Oh, he never kisses strange women.

And a parking meter girl you said.

Oh, no. He never did it before. Never, no.

You're sick, Renato.

I saw the doctor.

You're very, very sick.

In fact, I've reverted to my original nature.

Unfortunately, it's gone far beyond that.

I hid in the locker room yesterday

after hockey practice at Miss Julie's Academy.

Don't worry, my dear, we'll fight this together.

I'll look after you. We'll go to...

We'll go to Lourdes if we have to.

The doctor told me that I'll probably end up by going completely insane.

(SIGHS)

There maybe is a cure. I talked to the doctor, but...

Oh, it's not worth discussing. And it's a waste of time.

Tell me, darling, tell me.

An operation.

In New York.

But it'll cost the Earth. It's out of the question.

There's the journey to New York, maybe twice, maybe three times.

Twelve months staying in the hospital, the operations, treatment.

I couldn't possibly allow it, Albin. No, I just won't permit it.

We can't afford it.

Whatever.

I'll save you. Whatever it costs, I'll save you.

Thanks, Albin. Thanks a lot.

Well...

It's you who wants a...

No, it's him.

Ah!

It's my friend who wants to get married.

Everybody speaks very highly of your agency.

They say that it's the best one around.

You're very kind.

We always try to keep to our motto.

"If you don't find her here, she doesn't exist anywhere."

(CHUCKLING)

Tell me a little about yourself.

I want to hear something about your taste, your character.

What sort of man are you?

Me?

I have to know as much as I can about you,

and then I can help you choose your ideal wife.

What's your profession?

Ah! My profession is an artiste.

An artiste.

Yes.

A painter, musician or the theater, perhaps?

Oh, at the moment I'm doing a queen bee routine.

He's a writer. He's writing...

Explain it.

A great work, an opera, that's it.

About the life of bees.

Oh! Author.

Author, no, authoress.

Then we must find you a living inspiration. A muse.

And what sort of woman are you attracted to?

What sort of woman do I...

Well, he looks after all that side.

Renato, what sort of woman do I want?

It isn't the outside which counts.

Yes.

It's how she is inside, you see.

A blonde, brunette, ginger, it hasn't the slightest importance.

As long as she's morally pure.

Oh, yes, yes, yes.

Maybe the maternal type.

Excuse me, I think I'm going to throw up.

Oh, keep calm, Albin.

I am calm.

What sort of age?

Oh, the same age as he is.

The same age as you are, if that's okay.

Shall we say 50?

Fifty...

Forty?

Forty? What shall I say?

Thirty-five?

Thirty.

And what about her height?

Oh, what you have, it doesn't matter. Whatever you have...

Oh, the size is of no importance at all, it's not.

It's really not important.

Okay.

To pinpoint, I need you to be more precise about what you require.

Right. What does she mean by...

If I ask you to pick your favorite star from the cinema,

then who would you choose?

Oh, Robert Redford. I've always loved... Mary Redford.

(SLOW MUSIC PLAYING)

Albin.

Who's the lady?

You are.

Well, then, the lady comes into the restaurant first, all right?

(SIGHS) We can start all that at the table.

No, no. We start in the doorway.

Come along. Try once more.

(SIGHS)

Well, you're not a duke yet. Don't overdo it.

Still no good?

(SIGHING) What a performance.

Albin?

Yes? What now?

I'm standing up.

Oh, then sit down, can't you, for heaven's sake.

A gentleman waits to be seated until after the lady has sat down herself.

(SIGHS)

After you please, madame.

There we are then.

(SCOFFS) A gentleman. More like a head waiter.

Exactly.

Waiter.

The lady and gentleman would like a drink?

Oh, well, I'd like a drop of champagne.

A Kir Royale.

Champagne with a nuance of cassis.

Albin?

The lady always orders first.

Oh, excuse me. Would you ask madame what she'd like to order?

Madame would like an aperitif?

A Kir champagne.

Very good, ma'am.

Our tastes are compatible.

Now make advances to me.

What?

Yes.

You want me to court you?

Mmm-hmm.

At our age? Hmm.

After 25 years.

It's charming. Charming.

But a bit ridiculous.

Yes, you're right.

Madame, you can come in now.

Madame.

Please.

I invited her because I thought it might just help you out.

Perhaps with her... Excuse me.

Now make me yours.

Renato, is this a trick?

No, it's just to give you a bit of practice, a rehearsal. Come on.

You must take my hand, Albin.

Why must I?

Because that's how it's done.

Not in my book.

She's waiting for you. Come on, take her hand.

What are you doing?

You look as though you're holding a dirty tissue.

Come on, get some passion in it.

(SNICKERS)

Now, wait a minute. Move over. Move over.

Watch how I do it.

Madame.

What beautiful hands you have, my dear.

And what lovely fingers.

Renato.

So soft and delicate.

(SOFTLY) Oh.

These adorable fingers...

ALBIN: Renato, please.

Renato!

...which I long to kiss.

Renato.

I want to cover you in kisses.

Stop, Renato.

Oh, my sweet angel.

Renato. Listen to me. Renato!

Have you completely lost your head?

Of course not. It's just a demonstration. You get the picture now?

Come along.

You're letting things get out of hand.

Albin, come along. Your turn.

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

Pick up her hand.

Come on, Albin, speak to her.

You've got...

(STAMMERING) I think you've got very beautiful hands, madame.

Oh, that was lovely. Lovely!

(SNIFFLING)

What's the matter with you?

What's the matter?

I can't go through with this, it's impossible. Please leave me alone.

Renato.

Take this hand out of mine.

You have the most beautiful hands, madame. I've fallen under your spell.

There, you see, nothing to it at all.

Do you want tea or coffee this morning, mistress?

Nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

Jacob.

Keep this for monsieur Baldi.

To be opened after my death.

You gonna commit suicide again, mistress?

What do you mean?

This is the first time this year.

Since I've been here, you've done it every year.

Oh, and twice last year.

Yes. But this, it's the real thing.

It's the real thing.

Yes. Because at last I know what I want out of suicide.

I want to die.

Adieu, Jacob.

See you later, mistress.

Don't you listen while I'm talking?

Adieu, Jacob. I'm going to die.

Spread-eagled underneath the railway bridge.

I want to be

run over

by an enormous,

an enormous locomotive.

You break at least five ostrich feathers every time you fly, Albin.

We can't afford to keep on buying new ones for every show. Albin!

Where's her ladyship?

She's gone to commit suicide.

Ah! First time this year.

She left you an envelope with me.

Hold this.

Oh, may the Lord give me strength. Oh, dear.

"I choose to die so that you may live happily."

Good. What a nice thought, isn't it?

"To pay for your treatment, you can use my life insurance."

Where has he gone, this martyr?

I don't know. He said something about a railway bridge.

(SIGHS) My God, what have I done?

My God, what have I done to deserve this?

Just tell me what I've done, will you?

(SIGHS)

(CAR DOOR CLOSING)

Here we go again.

And what is it this time?

This is goodbye, Renato. It's the best way.

I love you. It's the only solution.

Adieu.

This is a branch line. There's only one train every week.

Are you planning to sit there for seven days, hmm?

And when's the next train?

Oh, come on. I don't know that.

Monday, I've checked the schedule.

Today's what?

Monday.

You can put your ear to the track if you like.

Don't be an imbecile. Get up now.

Oh, yes.

Come on, Albin. It's time to finish this charade.

Believe me, this is goodbye.

I'm good for nothing. There's nothing I can do to help, is there?

The world will go on without me.

It doesn't matter if I disappear.

You, you'll find a cure to make you normal, while I...

Oh, well. I'll vanish into limbo.

Cut in two.

But

happy.

All right, have it your own way. So long, Albin.

Oh, no. Come on. Where are you off to now?

To get a box to put you in when you end up like a jigsaw puzzle.

Oh, no, Renato.

Albin, stop it now. The game's gone far enough. Let's go.

No, leave me.

I'm not playing a game, as you'll see for yourself in a minute.

(TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWING)

All right, I'll tell you the truth now.

I lied to you. Yes, I lied to you.

It's not true, I haven't turned into a heterosexual at all.

What?

It was only so we could get the inheritance.

It was only to make you get married.

Albin!

(TRAIN WHISTLE SOUNDS)

You still mad at me?

(SIGHS)

But, really, what is it I've done?

Tell me why you're angry with me?

Oh, leave me alone, can't you?

You really don't seem to have any idea

that you've been walking about like a complete madman.

But what have I done to you?

Oh, nothing, only ruined my life. Ruined it, haven't you?

You've messed up my whole life. I'm nothing but sick of you.

One more word out of you and I hit you like that.

Stop, stop! Get off of me. The car's going out of control.

Oh, shut up!

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Oh, God.

Oh, dear!

Oh, my God, Renato!

He's dead. You killed him.

Let's take a look. He may be all right.

(SOBBING) Oh, no, you killed him, Renato.

There, you killed a lovely boy.

It's your fault. I couldn't see where I was going.

(BOTH SIGHING)

No bones broken?

Are you in any pain?

Me? I'm fine, thank you.

My motorbike's a total write-off,

I've just been jilted by the man I love.

And what's more? What's more?

(SOBBING) I'm expecting a baby.

Things couldn't be better, could they?

Everything's going just fine, and...

(WOMAN SOBBING)

(SIGHING)

Hello, there.

Well, hello.

You recognize me?

Of course I do.

I just wanted to apologize again about the accident.

You just bought these for me.

Mmm-hmm.

Can I have a quick word with you in private?

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

(SOFTLY) Over here.

I believe you have one or two problems.

I'd like to try and help you.

Look, it's just my problem.

I'm sorry. I really shouldn't have told you.

I have a proposition to make.

WOMAN: Oh, Cindy, where are the Hana Mandlíkovás?

In those boxes, there.

A proposition?

Something which may well surprise you, but it's all perfectly legal.

You could be a duchess worth several million and have a father for your child.

That's what they all tell you.

Well, this time it's true.

I'm too old for fairy stories.

I'm afraid it's not exactly all that romantic.

It involves marrying a bee, you see. A queen bee.

A bee?

If you come tonight to the Cage Aux Folles,

it's the premier of our new production.

I'll introduce you to your future husband.

You'll come?

Why not?

♪ Oh, once there lived a fairy at the bottom of my garden

(YODELING)

♪ Oh, she made my little flowers grow

(YODELING)

♪ Oh, the fairy said to me, "Kind, sir..." ♪

Hi, Mumsie.

Oh, Laurent.

Oh, how lovely! It's so nice of you to come so often, mon cheri.

Oh, something wrong?

My father-in-law has resigned his position.

It's true. It happened this morning. And I'm to blame.

But why?

"La Cage Aux Folles funded directly with donations from the Moral Order Party."

(SIGHING)

"President Charrier finances drag queens at the Cage Aux Folles."

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

You know that check I gave to Papa?

Yes, well?

It was signed by Charrier.

But Papa had that check directly paid to the Cage Aux Folles.

(GASPS)

I really don't know how the press

managed to get a hold of this story. But there's the result.

Oh, how awful for him.

Charrier's more or less delirious. It's frightening. He's howling like a lunatic.

He's been locked in his room all day. He won't speak to anybody.

Oh, we do seem to bring him bad luck, don't we?

(WEEPING) Bastards! They've ruined me. Oh, God!

The bastards have raped me. God! I'm done for.

They've got me. I'm absolutely finished now!

Look at it all over this disgusting rag! The bastards! Oh!

Filth! Filth! Filth!

Simon! Calm yourself!

Calm down, Simon!

(POP MUSIC PLAYING)

Mr. Baldi.

Yes?

I represent Mr. Mortimer Woodson.

Mr. Woodson is also Emma MacGovern's nephew

and is therefore the cousin of your companion.

From the glimpses that I've had of the personality of Mr. Mougeotte...

Yeah?

...I would suggest that producing

a son and heir might prove difficult for him.

So, I'm prepared to make an offer for you.

Divide the inheritance.

I'm not talking about dividing anything.

I'm talking about multiplying.

Producing a child isn't such a big problem for Albin, as you seem to imagine.

Have a nice evening.

How's it going? Enjoying yourself?

Very much, thank you.

You like the show?

It's very good.

(TRIUMPHANT MUSIC PLAYING)

There's your future husband.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

The queen. It's him?

Yes, that's him. The queen.

Stop this!

I'm putting a stop to all this right now.

Wanted to get rid of me. Thought they'd destroy me.

You're finished. I'm ready to take on the lot of you, you hear me?

I'm not gonna lie down under this pile of filth!

I'm fighting back! Fighting back!

I'm closing down this monstrous haven of perversion!

Arrest that man at once. Oh!

Shut up!

Somebody get the gun away from him!

Totalist!

Now listen, you. We are the Party of Public Morality.

The proprietors of this cesspit of ill fame

have been trying to ruin my political career

and to destroy my reputation.

They were successful.

But by God, they'll pay.

And I'll begin with you, you pervert!

Renato!

Quickly, get her up!

Prepare to die!

(PEOPLE SCREAMING)

Move now. Go on! Go on! Go on!

No, no, no, no!

(ALBIN SHRIEKING)

Let me down. Oh, do something. I can't stop!

And voila!

(AUDIENCE CLAPPING)

For God's sake. It's too much!

ALBIN: Oh, do something! He's a lunatic. Please!

(WEEPING)

Brilliant. Bravo! Bravo! Bravo! Bravo!

Ladies and gentlemen, let's welcome President Charrier,

who's made a brilliant debut here tonight and who I'd now like to invite

to become an honorary member of the Cage Aux Folles.

(DRUM ROLL)

(CHUCKLING) Up!

Bravo! Yes! Yes!

I'll take that, Mr. President. Thank you. Thank you.

Bravo!

Bravo!

(WAILING)

What about me?

(DOOR OPENS)

How is he, Doctor? Is he all right?

Luckily for him, not one of the bullets actually penetrated his flesh.

He was lucky. His feathers were riddled with bullets.

He's calmed down but I'm afraid he's still suffering from shock.

He's got reason to be.

It's not often he gets fired at on opening night.

It was a very lucky escape anyway.

Now, it's my turn to get fired at.

I think you'd better go and see him yourself.

I'll call again soon.

Bye-bye, Doctor.

How're you feeling?

Albin, didn't you hear my question?

How're you feeling?

All right.

I'm just picking out the bits of shrapnel.

Really, it was a terrible thing that happened. Horrible.

But what a triumph, wasn't it?

A triumph for me?

Or for Charrier?

Oh, for you, of course. Mind you, Charrier didn't do too badly.

That has given me an idea. Why not include the whole thing in your act?

In comes a hunter, bang! Suddenly he's winged you like in Swan Lake.

And you're signing up Charrier?

Oh, with blanks in his rifle, naturally.

Oh, yes. But why stop at blank bullets?

Real bullets are funnier.

Don't be so melodramatic, Albin. In the end, you didn't come to any harm.

You've got to admit, the audience loved it.

Did you ever fight in a war?

No.

Hmm.

Failed the medical?

Well, I was in the frontline today.

I was almost killed by the enemy.

I ought to get a medal.

But instead,

they applauded my assassin.

Come on, Albin. Let's forget about it now. You're okay, aren't you?

It's over and done with.

Stop. Let go of my feet.

Listen, how's Cindy? You know, the girl you're engaged to.

She's become a fan of yours now. I saw her applauding you.

That's polite of her.

No, she really meant it. She's a nice kid.

I'm only just recovering after a lunatic makes an attack on me.

And now I've got to face up to marriage.

And the inheritance.

And all the rest of it.

But we haven't talked about each other. That's important, too.

Isn't it?

Our love.

Ah, I'm afraid life isn't all poetry.

(SIGHS) I don't believe it.

And what have you got in place of a heart, monsieur? Hmm?

A pocket calculator?

Albin.

Hold your tongue. Don't say a word.

But, Albin.

Silence.

But I haven't said anything.

But you were just about to. I could sense it. Leave me.

I go to my destiny.

Don't follow me.

RENATO: I haven't moved a muscle.

I know.

I could tell you were about to spring after me.

Adieu, Renato.

(SOBS) It's over.

(SOBBING)

Bitch!

(DOOR SLAMS)

(SOBBING) I'm gonna burst into tears. I can't help it.

I'm gonna burst into tears.

(IMITATES CRYING)

I believed everything he told me.

I was such a fool.

Then, then I found out he was married.

That's why I left him.

You loved him?

Maybe you still love him.

No.

I don't think so.

I don't know. Maybe.

It's getting cold here.

Have this.

Thanks.

I'm definitely not married. I swear it.

I am, almost.

I'm expecting a baby.

I want to have it. But it must have a father.

(CHUCKLES)

This isn't a very lucky trip for me.

As soon as I get here, I fall for you.

And the affair's already over.

(BOTH LAUGH)

No. No, it's impossible.

But when can I see you? Please let me see you again.

It's too complicated.

(INAUDIBLE)

They're all monsters.

Monstrous egotists.

Men are all the same.

Mmm.

We're just young and innocent.

And they take advantage of it.

(SCOFFS)

My God, I've really been so blind about him.

He used to say,

"I have to go to work now, my darling."

And he was really going back to his wife.

A whole year he strung me along like that.

Thirty years, me. Thirty.

And all the while thinking that the man who lived with me loved me.

All the while thinking that our life together was a romance.

A love story.

And now I discover that

it was all just a question of cash.

(SNORTS)

Oh, I loved that man so.

(SOBBING) Excuse me.

Oh, excuse me. I'm sorry. You see, there was

so much love.

Shh.

So much love. Excuse me.

Don't cry. You must stop or you'll make me cry, too.

What's to become of me now?

And me. What's to become of me?

It's impossible for me to live with a man again.

I couldn't either.

Maybe we should get married, the two of us.

It's not such a bad idea.

Okay.

Yeah.

It'll work out fine.

(SIGHS)

Thank you for walking me home, Cindy.

It's so frightening these days.

All these drug-crazed sailors and so on.

Good night, Albin. Sleep well.

Oh.

I can't face going in by myself.

I don't want to see him.

Or talk to him.

Come in with me.

But, no, I shouldn't.

Oh, do.

I'm harmless.

What did I tell you?

Hasn't waited up for me, you see?

He's snoring.

In bed asleep.

He doesn't care.

(SIGHS)

I could be anywhere and he's gone to bed.

He doesn't care what happens to me.

Don't get worked up about it now, Albin. Go to bed, it's late.

(SIGHS)

Oh, in the olds days, he would have gone to every police station.

I'll help you take off your makeup.

No, it's too much trouble. Getting it off is so complicated.

It's too much for me at the moment.

Oh, no, no. I use number three, sweetheart.

Oh, he would have phoned the police, the fire department.

He wouldn't have stopped looking for me until I was safe.

Wouldn't have stopped.

Oh, thank you, sweetie. Oh.

My God. I look like a zombie.

Oh, la, la, la.

Oh, I'm completely past the point when cleansing cream's any use.

(GIGGLES) Just hose me down, dear.

(CHUCKLES)

Being a couple is going to be very useful.

We can help each other with our makeup.

(CHUCKLES) I can wear your clothes.

But I don't think we take the same size.

Oh, practically. I'm probably a bit slimmer but I can take them in, dear.

Those eyelashes. Are you wearing them in bed?

Oh, no, no. No. I don't wear them in bed.

Oh, no.

Well, hardly ever.

You go and get undressed. I won't look at you.

ALBIN: I'm ready.

Hmm.

What should I do tomorrow?

Talk to him or ignore him?

Decide tomorrow, huh?

Hmm.

Good night, Albin.

Sleep well.

I like you very much, Cindy.

(DOOR CLOSES)

(GASPS)

Cindy, what brings you here?

Can't I spend time with my future husband?

Bon appetit, Mr. Renato.

Thank you.

Good morning.

(WHISTLING)

Good morning, Albin.

I didn't hear you come in last night.

(HUMMING)

But I did happen to see Cindy leaving your room this morning,

at daybreak.

(IN DEEP VOICE) You've been trying to make a man out of me,

you've succeeded.

You wanted a marriage, well, you're gonna have one.

But you're gonna get a few surprises.

For example?

Oh, well...

Don't expect to be invited over to stay.

Look, man, if you know what's good for you,

don't show your face in Scotland.

That's all I have to say.

Now it's my turn, Albin.

So, after everything I have done for you, you're throwing me over,

now that you haven't any more use for me, that's it, huh?

Oh, I am not going to try and cling on to you or anything like that.

But you'll miss me.

You're going to miss me, I can tell you that.

Your creation has cast off his bonds,

Dr. Frankenstein.

Albin! Albin! Wait a minute.

Where on Earth are you going to now?

I am going to do some shopping.

Shopping? But we don't need anything. We've got everything.

It's not for anything domestic.

I have to get things for the baby, now, don't I?

Oh, what're you doing over there?

You needn't rock it. There isn't a baby inside, is there?

There isn't a baby? Then why buy all this stuff?

You have eight months to worry about all this, haven't you?

Oh, go away then.

All right, all right, I am going outside.

I can't stand anymore of this.

Look after the baby carriage.

Get out, let me finish my shopping.

I haven't got the diapers, have I?

Tell me, darling, do you have those, you know, little panties,

elastic bottoms, leak-proof, naturally.

And then, could you show me, if it's at all possible, your range of maternity dresses?

What size, sir?

Oh, my size, of course.

I'll see if I can find some for you, sir.

You can see me, can't you?

Size.

Oh, cheri, she asked me what size I am. Yes, I'm nearly finished.

Look, the whole thing's gone far enough now. Get over here now, on the pavement.

On the pavement? Yes, yes, I've got it.

Up, up!

Yes, all right, I've got it. I've got it.

First it was the Scottish incident...

Oh, stop going on about it all the time.

All right, I've had enough, I am leaving.

All right, go.

Goodbye.

Leave me, I don't care.

Mr. Baldi, won't you join me?

Make it brief, I don't have much time. I am very busy at the moment.

I'll be brief then.

Tell Albin to let Cindy off the hook.

And why should he do that?

Because she wants to marry me.

I am sorry, but, well, she really seems to like Albin.

It's much simpler if you find someone else.

It shouldn't be difficult for you to find an expectant mother somewhere

who'd like to be a duchess.

And it doesn't really matter to Albin who it is.

Listen, can't you? All I want is to marry Cindy. I don't want the money.

Very touching. But it makes no difference.

He's going ahead with the marriage to spite me.

I know he is.

At the moment he is quite capable of seeing it through to the end.

Oh, Cindy, hello, my darling.

I am knitting a little sweater for you-know-who.

I sent off for some Scottish wool, too, and I'll make a little tartan hat.

You know, with the pom-pom on it?

Is there something the matter, darling?

I don't want to get married, Albin.

Oh, that's rather unfair.

You can't abandon me with a child to look after.

It's because of Mortimer, your cousin.

Mortimer?

But this has nothing to do with Mortimer.

I think that I have fallen in love with him.

Oh, it couldn't have happened at a worse time.

Now I have really spoiled everything for you.

(EXCLAIMING IN FRENCH)

I've pricked myself. Really, I'm out of practice.

But I have been practicing with the bottle. There, gently does it.

Oh, come along, don't look so sad, Cindy. Hmm?

There's your dress to order, the guests to invite.

You'll see, we won't regret getting married. Hmm?

Oh, that's the way. I've got it.

Look, oh, Renato, look. You want to taste it, dear?

See, see how I do it?

(EXCLAIMING)

It's really hot, isn't it? Oh, God.

Where are you going?

You've won, haven't you?

You have my best wishes for the future.

I won't bother you again.

(BIDS FAREWELL IN FRENCH)

(SCOFFS)

What day is it?

Monday.

Oh, my God, the train.

Jacob, Jacob, quick!

Mister?

Call me a taxi. Here, hold the baby bottle.

Oh, my God! I knew that's what he was going to do.

(SIGHS)

Oh, this is nice.

What a beautiful day.

I want to die alone, Albin.

I think I deserve that at least?

Hmm...

I've been lying on these rails for 20 years on and off, and I have never actually done it.

So, I'm afraid, I'm not impressed, my dear.

You're mistaken, Albin, I am not moving until the train has passed.

I have decided I don't want to live anymore.

At last I have realized you are the only person I care for,

so if I am going to have to lose you, there's no point in my going on living.

There you are, I am better off dead.

(BIDS FAREWELL IN FRENCH)

Put a few of your wedding flowers on my tomb.

Oh, you really feel that way?

Oh, now I'm happy.

Oh, you feel that way about me.

What're you doing?

I want to die with you.

Oh, that is comfortable.

I can see it now. In the end, you're right, you know.

It's the only thing left for us to do.

(TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWING)

Isn't that the train?

Oh, yes, right on time, as usual.

Albin.

Look, isn't it just a little bit absurd to do this at our age?

You and me, playing Romeo and Juliet?

Can we change pillows, dear? This one's too hard.

Oh, forget about the pillow. We have to talk seriously, Albin.

Albin.

Yes?

If you promise not to get married,

then I'll forget about the whole damn thing, I swear it.

Give me your hand, Renato.

It's how it should be, your hand in mine.

As the train cuts us in two.

Oh, come on, I have had enough of this.

You think I am really going to lie there till the train cuts me into little pieces?

Ah, all a trick, wasn't it?

Well, monsieur, the game's up for you.

Now, you pay attention to what I say. I am getting married, come what may.

And if you want anything from my aunt's legacy,

you'll be witnesses at the wedding.

Mortimer and you.

(BOTH ARGUING)

Shut up!

Shut up yourself.

(BOTH ARGUING)

(GUESTS CHATTERING)

Where is the bridegroom?

He must have got delayed somewhere.

We've got three other weddings this afternoon.

I am afraid if he's not here in five minutes,

I'm sorry, I'll have to go on to the next one.

He's coming.

(GUESTS EXCLAIMING)

(GUESTS CLAPPING)

MAN: Oh, it's out of this world.

(LAUGHS) Darling, it's moi!

At the last moment, I couldn't resist it.

I mean, I have always wanted the chance to wear white nuptials.

Most amusing, yes, but where is the bridegroom then?

Oh, silly man, nobody is getting married.

There's no wedding. It's all off now.

There's nothing at all.

Just us. Hmm?

And what do I do after all this?

I've got the perfect solution.

Listen, young man, you still want to marry Cindy?

Yes, I do.

Then I'll put this proposal to you.

Albin will renounce all claim on the Scottish will, all right?

And according to the will, that makes you the sole beneficiary

of your aunt's estate. You can split it 50-50 with us,

provided that you marry Cindy.

Uh, sure, sure, I'll do it.

The name of the bridegroom's been altered, but you can have your wedding after all.

Then let's begin.

(ALL LAUGHING)

You've solved everything. Oh, you constantly amaze me, dear.

Brilliant, but rather naughty as usual.

Oh, what a wicked thing you are. You're a devil.

A proper devil with horns on.

Oh, he's wonderful.

Listen, Monsieur Mayor, we're going to leave now.

Off on our honeymoon.

Where shall it be? Venice or the Himalayas?

Oh, smile now.

Why don't you pop the question to me?

Which one?

Oh, as if I was a blushing young thing.

"Mademoiselle Zaza, I request your hand in marriage."

Oh, I can't.

Mademoiselle, I hereby request your hand in marriage.

Oh, willingly.

Bravo, mister. Bravo.

(ALBIN LAUGHING)

♪ Now it's up to me

♪ To make my world a happy one

♪ Set my feelings free

♪ To let the sun shine in

♪ Too late now to turn around

♪ To let the shadows bring me down

♪ I've got to try and if I fall

♪ I'll fall and I will rise again

♪ Set my feelings free

♪ I know that all I need to do

♪ Somehow will be done

♪ 'Cause it is done for you

♪ Can't make believe I'm someone else

♪ I know it's up to me

♪ Too late now to turn around

♪ I know the way I want to be

♪ I see the life I want to lead

♪ I know the one I want ♪

English Translator : Gilbert Andreux