Original subtitles

Sam, draw me another beer, will ye?

Sure, Festus.

Much obliged.

Doc will settle up with you later.

Well, you're looking mighty pretty tonight, Michelle.

She sure is quiet for a Saturday night ain't it, Doc?

Kinda nice, kinda nice.

What time is it anyhow?

Why don't you get yourself a watch?

Oh, fiddle, I'd feel silly

a-carrying one of them things around.

Watches was invented for doctors and lawyers

and such as that, not for us Haggens.

Well, you gonna tell me what time it is or ain't ye?

10:15, now you satisfied?

Just pure old dee scary, that's what it is.

What is?

You mean you ain't noticed?

What?

The quiet.

Can't you hear it?

Why there ain't been a Saturday night this quiet

in Dodge since Heck was a pup.

How do you hear quiet?

The onliest thing you gotta do is listen at it.

If you don't a-hear nothing then you're a-hearing quiet.

Just like I've been a-hearing all night long.

Nothing but thundersome quiet.

It's just blame spooky.

You're spooky.

Let me tell you something, Doc,

there's something fixing to happen.

And when she busts loose, it's gonna be a two-toed,

turkey tail too-ba-loo and you can mark my word on that.

Well, let me tell you something.

You're not gonna get me all scared

and excited just because you are.

- I'm not... - Now, you don't have

to get all riled up, Doc.

I am not gonna sit here and let you spoil my evening.

All right.

Go on, you old grumpety grouch.

Make sure everybody's got a drink

and that they're all having a good time.

Yes, Ms. Kitty.

She a new girl?

Yeah.

Make you feel older?

No, younger.

Yeah, you better watch out, Curly.

Okay.

What were you and Festus fussing about this time?

Oh, Festus just insists that it's quieter

around here than usual.

He says it's weird.

I said, well the only weird thing that I can think

of around here is you and that hasn't changed any.

Well, the night's young.

Things will pick up.

Where's Matt?

Oh, he had to go out to the Martin place.

Billy came running into town about an hour ago

and said that Lester was beating up on his mother.

So he rode out to see what it was all about.

Know when he'll be back?

No, unh-uh.

Excuse me a minute, Doc.

Well, what can I do for you boys?

- Evening, Ms. Kitty. - Howdy.

- Ms. Kitty. - Howdy.

We thought we'd drop in for a drink or two.

Honest, that's all.

Huh-uh.

The last time you came in for a drink or two,

you nearly tore the place down.

Well, we'd like to apologize for that, ma'am.

We don't know what got into us.

That'll never happen again, we promise.

It's not enough.

You mean we can't stay?

You gotta let us stay, Ms. Kitty.

We'll behave ourselves, honest.

All right.

I'll tell you what I'll do.

You can go and buy yourself each one drink

and then you can buy a bottle and take it with you.

Oh thank you, Ms. Kitty, you've been real kind.

We'll just get our drink and go.

And if there isn't any trouble tonight,

then maybe the next time you're in town,

you can stay a little longer.

- Thank you, ma'am. - Thank you.

- Thank you, ma'am. - Thank you.

Come on.

Bartender, could we have a drink and one bottle?

What's the matter with you?

Those are the same fellas in here

who tore up the place a month ago.

Yeah, that's right.

What makes you think they won't do it again?

They're not gonna be any trouble.

They're just gonna have one drink and leave.

- Goodnight, Ms. Kitty. - Goodnight, Ms. Kitty.

Night.

- Goodnight. - Goodnight, Ms. Kitty.

- Ms. Kitty. - Night.

Goodnight.

See?

Yeah, I see, but I don't believe it.

Why don't we just rent a hotel room?

That way, we got someplace to sleep afterwards.

"Why don't we just rent a hotel room?"

How much money you think we got?

I don't recollect.

This here cost us everything we had.

Unless you got a spare gold piece on you,

you better keep your dumb ideas to yourself.

What do you want?

What's the biggest horse you ever seen?

What kind of a question...?

No matter how big the biggest horse you ever seen was,

that one over there is bigger.

- Hey, look at that. - Are you sure it's a horse?

- It looks like a horse. - Ran like a horse.

Let's go smell it.

Wait a minute, what's that thing on top of it?

It's a little man.

Little man on a giant horse.

Makes you stop and think, don't it?

Think about what?

Well, about how sometimes you think you know everything,

then one day something happens that you can't hardly explain

and all of a sudden you know

that you don't know hardly nothing at all.

Yeah.

Let's go look at that horse.

Can a guy get a drink here?

How about a beer?

I said, "How about a beer?"

One beer, coming up.

There you are, that'll be five cents.

Doc, is that there a full growed man?

He's a midget.

I haven't ever saw me no midget before.

You have, Kitty.

- Oh yeah, sure. - Sure.

He's kind of a cute little feller, ain't he?

Looks like he might've got caught out in the rain and shrank up.

I didn't mean nothing bad, Ms. Kitty.

I ain't so pretty my own self.

Well, I don't think anybody ever noticed that.

All right, go on and hoo-rah me.

Did you look at that there little old man?

He's a-huffing and a-puffing like he run all the way here

clean from Abilene.

What are you gonna do about that?

He is breathing pretty hard, Doc.

You suppose he's all right?

Yeah.

I better go see about it.

Doc?

Can I go with you?

I ain't never swapped words with no midget before.

Well, a couple things you oughta know

- about midgets first, though. - What's that?

Don't pick him up.

Oh, I wasn't fixing to pick him up, Doc.

Well, I just didn't want you

to do anything stupid, that's all.

Well, you blame don't stutter.

I just don't go around picking up every

little shranked-up feller I see, you know?

Wait a minute, there's more.

Don't call him a midget.

Well, what's he wanna be called?

His name, by his name, like you do or anybody does.

How does it come that all of a sudden

- you know so blame much about... - Shh.

Midgets?

Didn't you ever tell him about me, Kitty?

What?

- No, I never told him. - What's that?

Well, I was raised by a herd of wild midgets.

You all right?

Can I get you another drink?

How come you're breathing so hard?

Been riding all day.

Had to get here before midnight.

Oh, well I think that you made it.

Yeah. A little over an hour to spare.

- What's your name? - Arizona.

- Who are you? - Well, this here's Doc Adams.

And that there is Ms. Kitty.

Kitty?

Most unusual name I've ever come across.

Well, my real name's Kathleen.

Kitty's just a nickname.

Kitty.

Suits you.

Didn't catch your name.

Folks call me Festus.

How come?

- Because that's my name. - Throw it at me again.

- Festus. - Festus?

Sounds like a cold sore.

- It sure does. - Oh, hush up.

You're a-spouting off pretty big for such a little feller.

Arizona, why'd you have to get to Dodge before midnight?

I need help.

I mean, I really need help.

Well, what kinda help you need?

I don't know.

What I mean is, I do know,

but I just don't know how to tell you.

Well now, I think we just all better sit down

and talk about this.

- Beatrice. - Yes, Ms. Kitty?

Round of drinks on the house.

I never saw a Beatrice that looked like that before.

Now tell me, just what's your trouble?

What can we do to help you?

Are you in trouble or something?

I ain't never been in no trouble.

Then why do you need help?

I'm sick.

I'm so sick, Doc.

What's wrong?

See these?

These are tears I'm crying.

You know why I'm crying?

I'm not crying because I'm sick.

I'm crying because when I tell you why I'm sick,

you won't believe me.

No one ever believes me until it's too late.

Well, what's that there supposed to mean?

It's very complicated.

What time is it, Doc?

Well, probably about 11 o'clock,

that's exactly what it is.

I only got an hour to go.

Until what?

I gotta find somebody to take care of me.

Take care of you?

For tonight.

Till sunup.

I need a large barn,

two or three bales of hay,

And somebody to take care of me.

Arizona, exactly what is your problem?

Oh, I don't think you'd understand, Ms. Kitty.

I get a little rambunctious sometimes.

But I'm willing to offer to any man $50.

Fifty dollars to any man for one night's work.

- Here you are. - Oh, thank you.

Fifty dollars to anyone who'll take care of me tonight.

Fifty dollars is a lot of money.

Why don't you go draw a beer or something?

I just don't know how to explain it.

I should give up trying.

Go ahead on and spit it out.

At least tell us why you need somebody to take care of you.

Because, because there's gonna be a full moon out tonight.

Well, what in thunder's a full moon got to do with it?

See?

Already you're finding it hard to believe.

I barely get started explaining to somebody

and already they think I'm crazy.

There ain't nobody said nothing about you being crazy.

You ain't hardly even told us nothing yet.

Oh, what's the use?

What's the use?

How can we help you if you don't tell us

what's the matter with you?

That's right.

If you'll just tell us how,

we'll do everything we can to help you.

Really?

Well, of course, what in thunder is it?

Nobody's ever offered to help me before.

They either laugh or made fun of me.

Now I'm scared to tell you.

Oh. I give up.

Arizona, do you want us to help you or don't you?

I need somebody to take care of me tonight

because, well because, I'm, I'm...

I'm a were-elephant.

What's a were-elephant?

You've heard of werewolves, haven't you?

Men who turn into wolves by the light of the moon?

Well, I'm a were-elephant.

And tonight, tonight there's gonna be a full moon.

Look at them feet.

I wonder what something like this weighs.

How would anybody ever figure that out?

Hey, look at the size of them teeth.

Look at this tiny little old saddle.

I wonder what a horse like this would cost.

Who'd ever wanna buy a horse this big?

That little old man, that's who.

Must make him feel real important sitting up there

looking down on us tall people.

I wonder why he come into town.

Well, maybe he's just thirsty like us.

You know, I ain't never seen

a real little man close before?

Well, let's get a look on him.

No, Ms. Kitty said we couldn't come in there no more.

Ain't nothing wrong with just looking through the door.

Of course not.

Come on.

Come on.

Someone get shot?

We were standing right over there.

If someone had got shot, we'd have heard it for sure.

Bet that little man's right in the middle.

Quiet!

Quiet!

Everybody, quiet.

This happens all the time.

You claim that every month

on the first night of the full moon at midnight,

you turn into an elephant.

Now, how you expect us to believe that?

Kitty, I never expected you to believe me.

Not once did I ever expect anyone to believe me.

I know better.

Well, what makes you think you turn into an elephant?

Because I just know, that's all.

It's happened to me over and over again.

Look, what's the use?

I was crazy to come here.

I could sit in that chair and talk to you up till midnight.

I could tell you that I've turned into an elephant

for the past 11 months in a row.

I could tell you about perfectly good poker hands

that I've ruined by turning into an elephant.

I could tell you a lot of things.

But you would never believe any of them.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got to go

and lock myself in a corral.

Now just a minute.

Now really, don't you think you'd be more comfortable

in a hotel room?

Oh no, I need a lot of open space.

What for?

How do you expect to get an elephant out of a hotel room?

There isn't a door in the world big enough to go through.

And now, I'd like to thank everyone for their time.

I'm sorry to have bothered you.

Ms. Kitty.

He pretty near makes you wanna believe him, don't he?

You maybe, not me.

Why don't you go have a drink?

Oh, much obliged, Doc.

I told you it was too dadgum quiet tonight, didn't I?

Quiet didn't have a thing to do with it.

That little fella was making plenty of noise.

If you think he was noisy just then,

wait till he starts turning into a elephant.

Oh, that little old man sure is scared, ain't he?

Ed, what did he say he turned into?

An elephant.

What's an elephant?

Well, I don't ever recall seeing one in these parts.

I heard tell of 'em.

No kidding.

Well, I ain't never seen one, I just heard of 'em.

My cousin Dudley, well, he seen one once in a circus.

What's a circus?

Well, I didn't ask him what a circus was.

He was too busy telling me about the elephant.

He says elephants are the biggest animal there is

in the whole world.

It's even bigger than that little man's horse.

I wonder where that little old man went off to.

Well, who cares?

I think he's touched.

I kinda liked him.

Y'all wanna hear about the elephant or not?

- I do. - Well, I don't.

Let's get started on that bottle.

Yeah, I clean forgot.

What in the blue blazes are we doing standing here?

Ain't you gonna finish explaining about that elephant?

No no, first thing's first.

We gotta find us a place to get drunk.

I seen us a barn over there.

Oh, look at that.

What's he doing down there?

Just sitting all alone.

Oh, he looks lower than a gopher's gut.

He don't look none too happy, does he?

Well, we can't all be happy.

Think he's all right?

Well, why is everybody so worried about that little runt?

One thing I know, when a man gets that low,

it's sure nice to have someone to talk to.

That's right.

Ain't nothing worse than having the melancholies

of a Saturday night.

Let's offer him a drink.

Are you crazy? That's all we got.

You got the heart of a horny toad, you know that?

Come on, Ed.

Howdy.

Oh, my name's Ed, this here's Red, and that there is Fred.

- Howdy. - Howdy.

Ed, Red, Fred?

This sure is a town for names.

We seen you over in the saloon.

Yeah, we thought you might like

to have yourself a little old drink.

Yeah, I sure would.

If you really don't want a drink...

Oh no, I'd like a drink better

than anything in the whole world.

Almost.

Hope you like rot gut.

Love it.

What time is it now, Doc?

I'm not gonna tell you.

I'm getting sick of it.

Festus, five minutes ago it was 20 minutes till midnight.

So, it must be 15 minutes to midnight now.

Well, dollar bill, I don't mean to keep asking, Ms. Kitty,

but I'm getting to worrying about that little feller, Arizona.

Maybe we'd ought to have tried to keep him here.

How? Tie him to a chair?

That ain't what I mean at all, and you know it.

He hasn't done anything wrong.

We don't have any right to hold him.

Well, maybe so, Ms. Kitty, but I can't help thinking

that here it is pretty nigh midnight,

and right here in Dodge this very minute,

there's a little bitty old feller a-sitting all alone

by his self, a-waiting to turn into a elephant.

I just wish Matthew'd get back, he'd know what to do.

Ooh.

You all right?

It won't be long now.

The teeth are getting soft.

That's the first sign.

You men have got to make up your minds right away.

Now you say all we gotta do is keep you

- in that barn till sun-up? - That's it.

- And we get $25 now and $25 at sun-up? - Each?

That's right.

And you get to keep the money

even if I don't turn into an elephant.

Well, what if you do?

Well, you don't think he can, do you?

That's not the point.

No, the point is we get 50 bucks

just for staying in that old barn all night.

Yeah, we was gonna do that anyways.

And it's legal too.

Are them there elephants very dangerous?

Not if you take care of 'em.

I'm usually just as gentle as a newborn calf.

Well, how do you take care of one of them elephants?

That's the most important part of our deal.

You gotta promise to take good care of me.

- But how? - That's easy.

Just make sure that I get plenty of hay,

green apples, and water.

Where would we get green apples?

I had 'em shipped in for the occasion.

They should be down at the freight office right now.

- Well, that don't sound too hard. - It ain't.

But you gotta promise to take care of me

till I turn back into myself.

That's why I'm hiring you, to take care of me.

'Cause I'm gonna change.

I don't care if you don't believe me,

'cause I'm gonna change.

And I need somebody to take care of me

till I turn back into myself.

- At sunup? - At sunup.

Now, what about that giant horse?

Oh yes, that's Homer.

He's part of the deal.

You take care of me and you take care of Homer.

And when I'm an elephant,

I ain't hard to handle when Homer's around.

Well?

I think that's the most reasonable offer I've heard.

You can count me in.

Me too.

What about you?

Well, it can't hurt nothing.

Good. Good.

You men have made me

the happiest were-elephant in the whole world.

I'm glad.

I'll never forget you.

I promise.

Here's your money.

Seventy-five dollars to divide amongst yourself.

Ooh.

Ooh. Ooh.

This is it.

It's time.

Don't forget your promise to me.

I'll see you in the morning.

Ooh.

Aah.

Twenty-five and another 20 that's 45?

Darned if he didn't do it.

Doc, did you hear that?

Hear what?

Sounded like somebody a-tooting a bugle.

A bugle?

How much you had to drink?

Well, I ain't had enough to make me hear things like that.

What time is it, Doc?

Oh, not again, for heaven's sakes.

Now, listen to me.

You see that clock there?

Now I'm gonna tell you what time it is by that clock

and I'm gonna tell you once and that's all.

It is one and 1/2 minutes after midnight.

And that is time everybody oughta be in bed.

Wait a minute, Doc.

Ain't you gonna wait for Matthew to get back?

I certainly am not!

Grump.

Arizona?

No wonder that little fella was yelling.

Must hurt something awful to get stretched like that.

Arizona, you in there?

No, he can't hear you.

Arizona.

The ears is up there.

Oh.

What are you doing?

I'm gonna give him some of this.

Arizona likes rock gut.

I don't think that's smart.

Do you think that's smart?

No, I don't think that's smart at all.

I don't think that's smart.

You know, we better get that giant horse in here.

Well sure, he said that that horse

helped keep him company.

What do you think?

Yeah, I think it's a good idea.

And now, we're gonna stay here and watch the elephant.

You go on out and get Homer.

Back up, Homer, back up.

Oh, I wonder why he's making all this noise.

You better go on down to the freight office

and get them apples.

We'll stay here and take care of this elephant.

But it's my turn to watch the elephant.

I just went to get Homer.

There ain't nothing worse than a hungry elephant.

Now get.

I knew we shouldn't have taken this job, I just knew it.

Hey now, just take it easy.

Don't worry, we sent him after them apples.

What in tarnation is...

Oh howdy, this here's an elephant.

I know what it is, but where'd it come from?

Well now that, you ain't gonna believe.

Try me.

Well, didn't you see that little old man

down at the saloon a while back?

What little old man?

Arizona, he called himself.

Not more than three or four feet tall.

That little man three or four feet tall?

Yeah.

That's him.

This here elephant used to be a sawed-off cowboy.

Oh sure, sure.

Did you ever hear anything like that in your whole life?

No, I can't say as I have.

Pure-dee fact.

You don't believe us.

Oh sure, sure I do.

Listen, this thing don't happen too often, you know.

Could be the most important thing in history.

Did you see him change?

Yeah, one minute he was a tiny, little man

and the next minute, pow.

- He changed. - Right before our eyes.

I wish Red would hurry back with them apples.

All right, now just take it easy, take it easy, Arizona.

- All right now, now. - That's it, take it easy.

- Arizona, all right. - Be gentler with him.

- Watch out for his nose. - I'll watch out for it.

Red will be here with those apples pretty quick.

Look, why don't you just tie him up?

Why don't you just tell us how?

Well, it's your elephant.

That's all right, now take it easy, easy now.

Easy now, that's it, that's it.

All right, keep back now.

Arizona needs lots of air right, Ed?

That's right, try to keep it down, folks.

Gotta keep it down.

Of course, keep back, folks.

Just keep back.

When did you see the change start to coming over him?

Well, he gave a beller down by the barn and there he was.

Oh, excuse us.

This here's the most excitenest thing

that's ever hit Dodge, Burke.

You don't believe it, do you?

Well, don't you?

Of course not.

Well, what in the tarnation you been a-standing

around here all night for, then?

- Well, I just... - Just because you ain't

got nothing better to do, is that it?

Yeah, that's right.

I ain't got nothing better to do.

That's the onliest reason I'm here too.

Wonder where old Doc went off to.

He's missing everything.

Well, I thought you heard.

Ed Crocker broke his arm and Doc went out to fix it.

Well, how'd he do that?

Oh, I don't know.

I guess you just pull the arm out and then you

straighten out the bones and then you put it in a splint.

Burke, that ain't what I ask you.

What I wanna know is...

Just never mind, forget it, forget it.

Well, if you're gonna get so grumpy about it,

why don't you just go and stand someplace else?

Because I'm a deputy and I gotta stay here

close to where I can keep an eyeball on things.

Go stand someplace else your own self.

Blamed knot-head.

Ms. Kitty.

This here's the most excitenest thing that I've ever saw.

Well, I'm more tired than I am excited.

Hadn't ought to be long now.

Matthew, he musta decided to stay all night

out at the Martins' place.

Yeah, he must have.

And you know, old Doc, he's out at the Crockers' house.

He's fixing to miss all the excitement too.

I don't believe anything that has happened

since Arizona came to this town.

Well, I'll tell you, I've saw a heap of things

in my life, Ms. Kitty,

and I have saw things happen

that I just swore couldn't have been did.

Festus, you don't really believe that that elephant

is going to turn back into that little man, do you?

Well, I always try to make it a rule

to just believe what I actual see with my own eyeballs,

but when it gets to be sunup, I'll tell you

whether I believe that little scutter or whether I don't.

Well, it looks like everybody else in town

wants to see for themselves just like you.

That's about the onliest way a feller can be sure.

But it ain't gonna be long now 'cause old Arizona's

due to hatch back.

Sun's coming up.

All right, everybody.

This here elephant's getting ready

to turn back into a cowboy.

Now, none of us knows for sure

how much room it's gonna take.

- All right now. - It won't be long now.

- Okay, Arizona. - Just get back, folks.

Okay, come on, here he comes.

- Okay, Arizona, let's go. - Okay, Arizona.

- Come on. - Here we go.

- Come on, Arizona. - It's here.

- Move out of the way. - The sun's coming.

Come on.

Come on, Arizona.

Well, Festus.

Ms. Kitty, I don't understand.

Them three fellers didn't appear

like they was lying none to me.

They didn't have anything to do with it.

They were fooled the same as you and all these other folks.

By who?

By the midget.

Now look, I'm tired and I'm going to bed

so I'm gonna say good morning or goodnight or what have you.

I just want you to know that I feel like a fool

staying up all night watching all these fools

watch a were-elephant.

Wait a minute, hold on.

Give the poor little feller a chance.

- Maybe he don't know what time it is. - Yeah.

Well, I never wanted to do it,

and I ain't never gonna do it again.

Well, maybe he just don't wanna come out.

What are you talking about?

Of course he wants to come out.

Ain't nobody wants to be a elephant

the rest of their natural life.

Well, I can't stand it.

Must've got stuck.

I tell you, maybe he's just too timid to want to do it

in front of everybody.

Well, how long do you think it's gonna take him

to come out of his timid?

I don't know, a long time, maybe.

What are we gonna do?

Shoot him.

No, we ain't gonna shoot him.

- Well, why not? - Because.

Because, stupid.

That's a little man.

You want Marshal Dillon to come after us for murder?

Well, what are we gonna do?

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Just supposing we was to take him down yonder

and put him in the barn all by his own self,

and maybe he'd do it there, don't you see?

Huh?

- Want to? - All right.

- Come on, Arizona. - Come on, Arizona.

- Come on, Arizona. - Come on, come on.

To the barn, we're going.

Matthew?

When did you get back?

We was commencing to fret about you.

Well, I just got back a few minutes ago.

What are you doing up so early?

Well, I've been up all night long.

The whole blamed town has.

What's going on?

Why, it's one of the most excitenest things

that's ever happened in Dodge City.

What is it?

Well, this here is one of them nights

when you just ought to have been around.

What happened?

Well, Matthew, you ain't gonna believe me when I tell you.

Little feller is right, it's just hard to tell it

so's anybody will believe it.

What are you getting at?

Well, last night, Matthew, this here stranger

come into Dodge and he come into the Long Branch there

and he's just a-standing there

and he was a regular little man, just about that tall.

Wait a minute, was he dressed in black?

Yeah, that's him. Cute little feller.

Uh-huh. Yeah, that's the one.

I got him locked up in back.

His name is Virgil Yolberry.

How can you have him locked up

whilst he's still a elephant?

Elephant? What are you talking about?

Well, we got the elephant over yonder in the barn.

Festus, you're getting too far ahead of me.

All I know is that I got a midget named Yolberry

locked up in the back.

Yolberry?

And he made fun of my name.

What do you got him locked up for?

Oh, I was riding into Dodge last night

and he stopped me on the road,

asked me if he could buy my horse.

He did?

Yeah, and then when he saw my badge,

why, he took off running.

So I figured he must've been wanted for something.

I grabbed him.

Well, how come it took you so long to get back to town.

He's a slippery little fella.

He kept getting away from me.

I finally had to tie him up and hang him on my saddle horn.

Well, he sure had his self a busy night

for such a little feller, didn't he?

I got a feeling it's not over yet, either.

Mr. Yolberry, I'd like to talk to you.

Wanna talk to me?

Yeah, out in the office.

Hold on here now, here, here.

Now, you keep him away from me, Marshal.

I know his kind.

- He's a killer. - Oh, hush up.

I ain't here to hurt you,

even if it does sound like a good idea.

What I wanna know is why you went and lied to everybody.

I ain't talking to you.

Marshal, I told you I didn't wanna see nobody.

Yeah, well now I understand why, Mr. Yolberry.

Now suppose you just calm down and tell us the truth.

Well, go on.

I'm thinking.

I'm thinking.

Even if I told you the truth, you wouldn't believe me.

Oh, you ain't gonna start that again.

You know what really hurts?

This was the last time.

I'd have never have to do it again.

I ain't never been found out before.

You mean you did this before?

Dodge makes 31 times.

Thirty-one times?

You don't know what it's like

going through that act every month,

making out like I'm gonna turn into an elephant.

It's awful.

Thank goodness it's over with.

Well, Mr. Yolberry, we're still waiting.

Oh, yeah.

Ever hear of Merriweather Hornbone?

Can't say as I have. Have you, Festus?

No, I ain't heard of him.

He was my uncle, he was a millionaire.

He also was crazy.

Craziest old man that ever lived.

Well, keep talking.

Well, Uncle Merriweather liked to collect things.

Weird things, real unusual, you know?

Well, you still ain't telling us a whole heap.

Just give me time.

Now, Uncle collected things like snake eyes and doorknobs.

He also collected animals like elephants and giant horses.

Now, here we go, Matthew.

Well, Uncle died three years ago

and he left me the elephants and the horses.

Well, why didn't you just get rid of 'em?

Did you ever try to get rid of 31 elephants?

Well, no, I can't say I have.

Take my word for it, you can't give 'em away.

Nobody in his right mind would want an elephant.

Stupid animals.

They don't know how to do anything but eat and have kids.

Ah, I'm so glad that's over with.

Yeah well, the fact of the matter is

it isn't exactly over with yet.

What do you mean?

What about those men out there

that think you turned into an elephant?

You're not gonna tell them, are you?

Why shouldn't I?

You don't understand, Marshal.

How could I possibly keep a whole herd of elephants

and horses for the rest of my life?

And the only way I could get rid of them

was to make somebody else responsible for them.

Now those men think I'm gonna reappear someday.

And if they believe that,

they'll take good care of those elephants.

Well, maybe they will, but...

There's nothing wrong with what I did.

I didn't break any laws.

Besides, Marshal, those men

have got something lots of us don't.

Yeah, a elephant.

More than that, they've got something to believe in.

You just couldn't go out there, Marshal,

and tell them fellas that I didn't change into an elephant,

because they think I did.

And they also think someday I'll change back.

Look, marshal.

Say, what are you gonna call him?

His name's Arizoney.

All right, Arizoney, come on, let's head home.

Here we go.

Go, Arizoney.

They're like kids.

They'll have a lot of fun with that elephant.

And they'll take good care of him too.

Hey, Ed, Fred, wait for me.

Wait for me.

If you don't mind, Marshal, I'll slip out the side door.

Matthew, I'm just plum tuckered out.

So am I.

You know, Matthew, I was just telling old Doc last night

that something powerful strange was a-fixing to happen,

and sure enough, it happened.

Is there any coffee, Festus?

No, there ain't, Matthew,

but I can blame sure make you some right quick.

Thanks.

You know, I never did believe

that sawed-off little old cowboy for a minute.

I just wanted to hear what his pinheaded palavering

was all about, that's all.

Not that such a thing can't happen,

'cause I recollect whilst I was still living up

in the hills there and it was on a night

just exactly like last night, moon shining bright,

and it happened to my great aunt Fredulia.

Aunt Fredulia?

What happened, Matthew, she started in

and she growed fur all over her body.

Fur?

Yes, sir, fur.

And that ain't all, neither.

He told me that her teeth started to growing

real long and stragglety,

and when my cousin, Elvine, started in the shavers,

she hauled off and bit him.

Why, went to his sickbed for over two weeks.

And then another funny thing happened there, Matthew.

I recollect when the widow Feenmuir

was out planting the taters to get rid of her warts...

and the lightning started to stomping

and striking all around her.

And...

Matthew?

Don't you want no coffee, Matthew?

Mighty peculiar.

Brain boggling is what it is.

Just plum brain boggling.