Original subtitles

Mr. Spangler, faster. I'm losing pressure.

Try shutting your mouth.

Take your bow, children.

And now take your places.

I'm sure that, uh,

we all on the Governor's committee

are highly edified by the program of Christmas carols.

Yes, yes.

Very nice indeed.

Mr. Spangler, you will leave the room please.

Now, each year at this same time,

us members of the Governor's committee

reach down deep into our own pockets

to make an unsolicited donation.

Now, uh, this money...

this money is hard come-by.

And there ain't nobody that makes us give it.

This year, the envelope contains two dollars more than it did last year.

Thank you, sir.

$17. Mm-hmm.

Yes, ma'am.

17 hard come-by dollars.

Which we are given in the Christian spirit

of love and charity.

I give five, the other gentlemen give four, and the ladies give two each.

Emma: Children, thank the Governors.

All: Thank you.

And now the children will sing "Away In the Manger."

Take your places please.

Eyes.

Mr. Spangler, you have mortified me for the last time.

I want you to pack your bags and get out.

You are fired.

Oh, Miss Grundy, I... Not another word.

Please leave.

You have exactly one hour to get out.

Little darlin'. Little darlin'.

I wished I could put you all in my bag and take you with me,

but I can't.

I won't stay if you don't.

I want to go where there's a Christmas.

Children: Yeah.

Miss Grundy didn't right out and say we couldn't have a proper Christmas.

Well, that's true, honey.

She didn't say it right out last time,

or the year before.

Just never happened.

And won't never.

Yeah, because if we go with you, we'll all be together.

Santa Claus doesn't stop anyplace

he doesn't see no kind of Christmas.

Can't we just put a big sign on the roof

that says, "Dear Santa Claus,

ain't that we don't want no Christmas, it's just that we ain't got none"?

There ain't no Santa Claus no-how.

'Course there is, Mike.

Children: Yeah.

There ain't either, 'cause we never seen him.

Children, there is still time to get some work done before supper.

Get busy.

Time is fleeting, Mr. Spangler.

Madam, you are an abominable wretch.

Mr. Spangler,

you are an insensitive ne'er-do-well.

I couldn't abide another one of your Christmases,

watching them kids aching their hearts out.

When the money's been given.

Not another word about Christmas.

You have 27 minutes.

If you're not gone by the end of that time,

I shall send for the sheriff.

We took a vote.

We're going to run away with you.

We want to go, too.

- We can work and make a lot of money. - Maybe we can go to California.

You kids want Christmas that bad, huh, you'd run away to find it?

You bet we would.

Wouldn't be no kind of Christmas without you, noways, sir.

Please, Mr. Spangler.

By the heavenly ornament, we'll do it.

Now you get your possibles together,

and we'll be hip-deep in Christmas before you know it.

"Dear Miss Emma Grundy.

I.O.U. seven orphans,

signed Titus Spangler."

- Come on. - Come on, put your jacket on.

Titus: This here decree

come out from under ol' Caesar Grumpus,

saying that Joseph the carpenter

had best pay up his taxes.

Now, where he had to pay 'em was in his birthin' place,

which was a no-account watering hole name of Bethlehem.

Now, this Bethlehem was situationed way south of everywhere,

so there was nothing for Joseph to do

but to put his Mary up on his donkey

and light out for Bethlehem.

Ho! Hold on there!

I wonder who they think they are,

jangling my tooth fillings down to the roots.

Get back here, you sneaky shikepoke!

You can't leave us here! We're going to Californy!

That's the last time you'll get any of my business!

Well, lookie there.

Dodge City all lit up like a Christmas tree.

You think maybe your friend Marshal Dillon will put us up?

Yeah, I'll bet he's got a place.

Well, Michael, I was only funnin' about that.

You know, like kind of a make-believe story.

I really don't have no friends in Dodge City at all.

Dagnabit.

What's wrong?

Dodge City.

We got derailed in the only place

I ever told old funnel-face I had any friends.

Sure as fire and tarnation,

Emma Grundy will be coming to snatch me barefaced.

- I'm hungry, Mr. Spangler. - So am I.

I'm really cold, too.

I know, honey.

I know.

And I'm going to do something about that right now.

Just don't you make 'ery a wobble.

Now, you picky-dillied that...

That door lock of Mr. Lathrop's.

Are you the night watchman?

I ain't just a night watchman.

I'm a U.S. Deputy Marshal.

I sure am glad to see you, Deputy Marshal.

For a minute there, I thought you were a friend of that there other outlaw.

What outlaw?

Why, that big back-door, lock picky-diddling bad-belly, that's who.

He was in here a helping himself to various sundries,

and I caught him red-handed and sticky-fingered.

Where'd he get off to?

As soon as he seen me, he just hightailed it out of here

quicker'n a greased pigeon.

The onliest set of tracks out yonder is a heading in here.

That's 'cause he made his getaway running backwards.

Uh-huh.

You're goin' to make yours goin' frontwards to the jailhouse.

Oh, you can't arrest me.

My name's Marple... Reverend Waldo P. Marple,

Marplehead, Massachoo.

Glad to meet you, Deputy.

Well, you ain't goin' to be for long. Now get off to jail.

Go on.

Right in there.

What's that?

Why, it's a telegraph.

It's a telegraph.

It's from busthead Grundy.

Busthead Grundy, who's he?

Go on, get in there.

It ain't a he, Deputy. It's a she.

Emma Grundy's a dry-preaching,

full abstainin', bottle-smashin' outlady

who goes temperancin' around Kansas

rearranging saloons with a two-handled, ten-pound prybar.

I suppose it don't worry you none she's a coming to Dodge?

One woman? That don't worry me. Shoot, no.

Yeah, well, this one woman ought to worry you.

I swear I seen her once in All Sage City fetch a poor, inoffensive drummer

up aside his derby with her prybar,

and clove him sweatband to grommets, out so much as a by your leave.

- My foot. Go on, get in there. - I seen it.

- Get in there. - Tell you, I seen it.

Another thing about this outlady Grundy.

She's got a face on her like a buck maggot at... at a taffy pull.

If I was you, I'd keep that telegram

to myself, Deputy.

This here's from the most fearsome outlady they is.

Outlady?

- Well, that's the shemale word for outlaw. - Oh.

The Reverend Marple told me that his own self.

- He's a man of the gospel. - Let me have that thing, Festus.

What's it say?

"U.S. Marshal, Dodge," and so on.

"Former handyman named Titus Spangler

stole seven orphans from Pawnee County Orphanage

December 21st, instance.

Stop.

Believed on way to Dodge City with orphans.

Stop.

Please arrest Spangler,

hold orphans under strictest discipline if found.

Stop.

Miss Emma Grundy, headmistress, Pawnee County Orphanage,

Wyatt, Kansas.

Mm-hmm. Outlady.

There you are, little darlings.

Just help yourselves.

Golly, it looks like a whole store full of...

Beef jerky and licorice sticks.

- Golly. - There's plenty in there for everybody.

- Whole store full. - You don't have to grab.

What's the matter with Patricia?

She's been coughing like that since you left.

You ain't got a fever.

We best not take any chances.

She's got to see a doctor.

Mary, you bring me that blanket over there.

It's cold enough outside to freeze the clappers off the Liberty Bell.

Come on, darling.

Now you all listen to me.

The Deputy in town here, he got a wire...

One of them telegraphy wires...

From Miss Grundy.

Now, I didn't get a chance to read it all,

but my guess is that she's on her way here right now.

- Children: Oh, no. - She sees us,

she'll have us by the scruff.

Them's the facts.

Now, where do you think you're going, honey?

Got to thinking, sir.

Better if I take Patricia to the doctor's whilest you stay outside.

Less people see you the better.

All right, sweetheart.

But you stay close behind my footsteps

so you don't get the full brunt of the wind.

Well, that looks just fine. Just fine.

How far did you have to bring her?

Oh, maybe two, three miles.

Two or three miles?

But I like walking.

Walking?

You walked two or three miles in this weather?

Where's your mother and father?

Oh, they're staying with some other folks,

outside town, sir.

What other folks? What's their names?

It's... uh... well, it's...

- It's Brady, sir. - Brady?

Huh. Never heard... Must be new folks in town.

Yes, sir.

We're all of us just sort of passing through.

Well, I'm going to take you over to Ma Smalley's,

and I'm going to get you a nice warm bowl of oatmeal

and I'm going to tuck you both into bed.

We do got to be getting back, sir.

You stay right where you are until I get back.

I'll change my clothes and be back in a minute.

Well, if it ain't the Reverend.

I'll pay for what I took, Deputy.

Even if it takes a year.

Just about what I figure you'll get. Come on.

Look, you ain't gonna lock me up again, are you?

Tighter than the bark on a tree.

But I'm a preaching man.

My foot. You ain't no reverend.

You're that Titus Spang-dangle or some such thing.

You're the one who stole them seven orphan young'uns from that Emmy Gunny.

That's who you are. You're going to jail.

Come on.

Doctor: All right now.

Here we go.

We're going right over to Ma Smalley's and get some food.

Oh, we can't, sir.

Our folks will just worry themselves sick.

Well, now, Mary,

we're not going to worry about your folks worrying about you, because...

well, there just ain't any folks, are there?

Here!

Wait a minute. Here.

Come back here.

Mary.

Mary, come back. I'll help you.

Honest, I will.

So, first thing is,

we got to get Mr. Spangler out of jail.

Before Miss Grundy gets here.

- Yeah. - And we got to hurry.

Yeah, but how we going to do that?

Somebody think of something.

I got an idea how.

What?

Uh-oh. I betcha I know.

It worked pretty good on Halloween.

'Course, everybody was sick for three days after.

Well, we ought to question him and find out where those kids are hiding out.

I've done asked him till I'm blue in the face.

The onliest thing he'll say is he don't know nobody

- named Spangle-Dangle, or such a thing. - Well, we'll see about...

Well, come in.

I want to talk to the marshal about a bunch of kids that run away.

Doc: Well, there's the marshal right there. You can talk to him.

- Boy: Can I warm my hands, sir? - Festus: You betcha.

Help yourself.

Not the stink bomb again.

Festus: Say, talking about runaway young'uns,

I don't believe I saw you before.

You got a name?

My name's Tom. Visiting my grandfather for Christmas.

- Oh? - What's your grandpa's name?

Ow! Ow! My hand!

Run for the railroad station, Mr. Spangler.

- We're making a getaway. - Yeah.

For heaven's sake...

It's Miss Grundy.

Duck.

Titus Spangler, I've found you!

- Where are my children? - You're going with me.

This man has to be arrested. Let him alone.

- He is being arrested, ma'am. - This man is a child stealer.

- And I want him arrested... - Gently. Gently.

Gently. Gently! Gently!

Gently, good people.

It's the vigil of Christmas.

There you are, Titus. Let me see you tinker you way out of that.

No possibility.

Besides that, there ain't no chance for you

to picky-diddle your way out of

a Haggen double choke sapper's knot, I'll tell you that.

If I may say so, stink bomb or not,

this felon should be locked up in jail.

Well, ma'am, the onliest thing that he's did

was to take some vittles for them hungry young'uns.

I only intend to see that justice is served.

It isn't justice to punish a man

whose only crime has been to see

that some children get a Christmas.

Crime cannot be excused in the name of Christmas.

But we've even got our own tree, ma'am.

All for the children.

A Christmas party in a saloon?

That is out of the question.

Suppose we gave the party in the church?

The matter is irretrievably closed.

I wish we could say the same for your mouth.

I'm sure you'll find the papers are all in order.

Well, like I said, Miss Grundy,

I'm going to have Judge Brooker take a look at them.

I don't have much time, Marshal.

I heard your eastbound's running snowdrifts,

three hours late.

- All: Yay! - Children.

Your faces are disgusting.

You are excused to go and wash them.

Take your plates with you to the kitchen.

And say grace while you're walking.

Nice bunch of kids.

Their manners have deteriorated incredibly in five days.

Miss Grundy, I see that you have here

a complaint and charges of seven counts of child-stealing against Titus Spangler.

Do you mean to use this?

Well, I consider that to be entirely justifiable in a court of law,

wouldn't you?

Well, I've talked to Titus, Miss Grundy,

and I think there's serious doubt

as to whether he had to force or fool those kids to go anywhere with him.

Do you mean that you don't intend to honor my complaint?

Well, if you can get a judge to sign a bench warrant for his arrest,

I'll see that it's executed.

In the meantime, you don't have to worry,

because Titus isn't going anywhere anyway.

Well, what about the children?

Well, that'll be up to Judge Brooker.

You're siding with that despicable man

just because of that barroom Christmas party.

Sir, I am responsible for those children,

and I feel that it would be harmful for them.

Miss Grundy, it's hard for me to see how it would do them any harm.

By raising their expectations.

What about next year, when there is nothing?

How cruel to give them a glimpse of Christmas,

and then take it away from them.

They will learn to hate the orphanage,

even hate Christmas.

Oh, don't you see what a risk it would be?

Well, that may be,

but it's a risk I'd take.

Oh, Marshal, sir,

I speak from personal experience.

I was brought up in a very strict religious community,

where Christmas was only a holy day with songs,

no Christmas trees, no presents, no decorations,

no turkey.

And I was happy, because I didn't know any better.

And then we had a death in our family, and we had to visit relatives,

and it was while we were there at my Aunt Mary's house

that I saw it for the first time.

The tree, and the sugarplums,

and the gifts.

And I had my first gift.

She gave me a music box.

But when we got back home,

my father, who was first deacon of the church,

a very pious man,

gave the music box to the church for the foreign missions.

It was years before I stopped hating my father

for giving my present away.

Oh, but the point is

that I have never had a happy Christmas since.

Perhaps now you can understand

why I am so certain that my children

should not be exposed to your Christmas party.

Well, a Christmas for the children is hardly the same

as prosecuting Titus for trying to give them one.

Nevertheless,

you will do your duty, I'm sure.

I'm sure.

Well?

Well, Matt, if there ever was any serious questions as to her right

to take them kids when and how she pleases, you can quash it now.

She owns them, body, boots, and short britches.

What about Titus?

Well, he was legally dismissed for...

flagrant immorality.

Right here in the orphanage bylaws.

I thought he was fired for being drunk.

Being drunk is flagrant immorality in Kansas.

Well, she ought to be arrested for just downright hard-heartedness.

Now, Kitty, look I agree with you, but there's nothing that legally says

she has to give those kids a Christmas.

Well, there ought to be.

Failure to have one ought to be flagrant immorality.

Kitty, now look, you're getting all worked up.

And there's one thing I want you to promise me right now.

And that is, I don't want any groups of women's vigilante committees

getting together, trying to take those kids away from her.

Agreed?

The thought never crossed my mind.

- Titus? - Yes'm.

I'm just helping out a bit.

Oh.

Uh...

Titus, what do you know about Emma Grundy?

Well, about a dozen things, all told.

One, she don't like me.

Two, she ain't dead yet.

The other ten?

Commandments.

Once you've got them, you've pretty well got Emma Grundy.

What do you want to know?

Well, isn't there any flaw in her character, none at all?

She's just as pure as the driven snow and no sign of drifting.

Titus, I've been running a saloon for a good many years,

and everybody has got some weakness.

I mean, well, doesn't she ever...

No, never. Never. No.

Now, Titus, I want you to think. It's very important.

Some little, tiny, small imperfection.

No.

No. Nothing.

Unlessin', of course, you're the kind of a hackle-shell tin-Judas

that thinks it's evil for a lady to take a little spoonful

of medicinal brandy now and then.

Miss Grundy? Takes a snort?

Well, now, bracing yourself against the chilblains ain't taking a snort.

Thank you, Titus.

And, uh, Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

Come in.

Oh, Miss Grundy, I'm so happy you're here.

I was just about to come look for you to... to give you your legal papers.

Thank you, Miss Russell.

And to apologize on behalf of all of us.

You have every legal right to handle this very unhappy situation

any way that you see fit,

and none of us had any right to interfere.

None of us.

Well, that's very gracious... very gracious indeed.

No, not at all.

And since I'm so very sorry that I was rude,

and since it is the Christmas season,

I'd be very pleased if you'd join me in a little sip of brandy.

Oh, no. I... Miss Russell, I couldn't... I...

I-I don't want to seem impolite, but...

Of course you don't.

- And I appreciate that. - Really, I...

There.

Miss Grundy...

to your very good health

and our better understanding.

My gracious, that's Napoleon.

Why, Miss Grundy, how very astute of you.

Do you know that there is only about one person in 1,000

that can tell the difference in brandies?

I thought I was the only one in Dodge.

It's at least 20 years since I've tasted a good Napoleon.

Merry Christmas, Miss Grundy.

Miss Russell...

Did you say it's been 20 years?

At least, since I gave up my music.

Well, I just never heard of such a thing.

This really is cause for celebration.

Miss Russell.

I'm afraid that my ideas about Christmas in general

are very complex.

First, I must say that I do feel that,

just as a matter of public service,

giving those children a glimpse of Christmas this year

would be very, very disruptive.

Because inevitably there is next year.

Oh, yes, of course.

But I-I don't understand why something can't be done every year.

Something is done.

That is the reason for this runaway calamity.

Every Christmas, the governors make a small donation.

This year it was $17, for Christmas.

But I can't use it for Christmas.

Don't you see?

Why can't you, Miss Grundy?

Will you let me show you?

Please?

Oh, well, yes, of course.

But I wonder, would you mind waiting a minute while I check on a few things?

Oh, of course.

Yes, you have your business to attend to.

Thank you. Thank you.

Titus, where's Sam?

Oh, he had some Christmas shopping to do.

- Hope you don't mind if I'm... - Oh, no. I don't mind.

But, look, you've got to do me a favor.

I want you to go find Judge Brooker

and tell him to meet me in my office in exactly 30 minutes.

Tell him it's very important.

I think he's over at Doc's.

Exactly 30 minutes. Not a second more or less.

He's going to be judiciously offended

by a flagrant breach of morality,

and the children are going to have their Christmas.

- Get going now. - All right.

Miss Grundy: Is everything all right, Miss Russell?

Oh, yes. Everything's just perfect.

Now, if you will look at this, Miss Russell...

Thank goodness you're a businesswoman.

And when you look at this, you will know what's what.

You see, here is 50 cents

a week, per orphan,

from the county, to feed, clothe,

and house each child.

50 cents a week?

It's preposterous, isn't it?

Why, outrageous is more like it.

Actually, I couldn't have said that better.

And-and now, though,

we are making more than 50 cents a week,

but it wasn't an easy battle.

And the children have so little time to play now.

You see, they didn't change their allotment...

regardless of that, finally,

the Committee decided that hence forth,

the county coroner will get all of his coffins

from the orphans at ten cents per coffin delivered.

- Coffins? - Yes.

For the poor farm.

And for the workhouse, the adult workhouse,

and for the potter's field.

Besides, the extra wood for the fireplace

if... if the coroner is in a generous mood.

Oh, that's so sad.

Yes, but even so,

I cannot use the Christmas money for Christmas.

It must go in the general provision fund,

so that the children will have enough to eat all year round.

They get so hungry, working so hard.

And doesn't Titus know anything about this?

Titus Spangler... is a busy nosey body.

I wouldn't confide in him under any conditions.

You know what we're going to do?

We're going to go straight to the governor.

Now, if that doesn't do any good,

we're just going to go right over his head to the newspapers.

That's just what we're going to do, and... and I'll tell you,

if... we'll... we'll just tell that coroner

what he can do with his...

With his raw wood.

Kitty... God bless you.

You're a fine woman.

Emma, I'm not a patch on your bonnet.

Oh, no.

I've seen how they all respect you.

And if I'm any judge of true goodness,

- Emma... - you are... Excuse me.

- I would like to toast you... - I forgot something. Just in time.

Excuse me, Emma...

Judge, there's been a terrible mistake.

There certainly has.

Miss Grundy, have you...

have you anything to say for yourself?

No.

There will, of course, be a hearing.

There isn't any need.

You will have my resignation...

in the morning.

It will be accepted.

Emma...

Miss Russell,

despite an obvious entrapment,

I must thank you for the brandy.

It was excellent.

Children.

Merry Christmas, Miss Grundy.

From all of us.

Yeah, me, too.

Whatever... for me?

Go ahead and open it, Miss Grundy.

Yeah, come on, Miss Grundy.

Oh.

Do you like it?

I think it's...

the most beautiful music box I ever saw.

But how...

I got ten cents from holding a man's mule.

Me and Jake shoveled some snow.

And I curried two horses and a jackass.

Mary, Patricia, and me worked for Ma Smalley.

Oh, you shouldn't have.

Really, you shouldn't.

We took a vote, and we wanted to.

Yeah.

But why didn't you go to the party?

You said we couldn't go.

But I no longer have authority over you.

You can go now.

Not if you don't.

But I couldn't.

Then we don't want to go either.

Oh, but they're... it's for you.

The townspeople went to so much trouble for you.

Vote.

All right.

All in favor of going to the Christmas party without Miss Grundy,

raise your hands.

All in favor of staying here with Miss Grundy.

Oh, children...

I want you to understand

why we never had a Christmas tree

or Christmas presents.

We know. Miss Russell and Mr. Spangler told us.

Titus?

Jenny: He said that we all treated you very badly,

and that we should apologize.

- I want to go to the party. - Be quiet, Jake.

No, Jenny.

Jake will not be quiet,

because we are all going to go to the party.

Well, I guess the tree was for nothing, Kitty.

It isn't much without the children.

Children, come in!

Is that a Christmas tree?

- Look how beautiful! - Wow!

I'm so sorry, Emma. I'm so ashamed.

Oh, Miss Kitty, I have a throbbing headache.

Would it be possible for me to have a little more of your medicinal brandy?

Of course.

I don't imagine you'll mind

if it's camouflaged a little with eggnog.

Look at the gingerbread man there.

Look at that little bitty drum hanging over there.

- Ain't that a pretty? - Do I get a present?

You can just bet you do.

You may get more than one.

What about me?

Darling, you know I believe the prettiest,

biggest package under that tree is for you.

Man: Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas!

Is that him?

No. That there ain't Titus. There's Santa Claus.

Santa Claus has presents for all of you.

Lots of presents for all of you.

Your little... come here, little fella.

We got a little present right here for you.

There's a pretty for you, sweetheart.

Merry Christmas.

Ah, it's a nice party, Kitty.

It is, Matt.

There you are, darling.

Look at Miss Grundy.

She plays the violin.

Merry Christmas, Emma.

Oh, thank you, Titus.

And Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas, cowboy.

Merry Christmas, Kitty.