Original subtitles

Mmm. Say, that's good coffee, Kitty.

That's good. What's the secret?

- Eggshells. - Eggshells! Certainly.

Why don't you try eggshells? Why can't you make coffee like this?

Well, I don't notice you turning any of mine down.

Stage come in with the mail.

- Oh, good. - Let's see here now.

Them there is for you, Matthew.

Oh, thank you, Festus.

- And here's yours, Miss Kitty. - Thank you.

That there batch is for you, Doc.

Okay, thank you, Festus.

- Here, Matt. - Oh.

- Here. - There's another one for you.

Matt: Oh, yeah. Mm-hmm. Here.

- Kitty. - That's yours, Doc.

- Matt. - Here you go.

Kitty.

Well, that writing's so blamed small, I reckon I made a mistake or two.

You made a mistake or three. There's one for you in there.

Who'd be writing to me?

Well, I imagine the mystery will be cleared up when you open the letter.

Uh...

Seeing as you got your glasses on, Doc,

maybe you could make that out for me there.

Wait a minute... What's it say?

Well, for heaven's sake.

What's it say?

Kitty, look at that. Look at that.

- What's it say? - Matt, read this.

Lookie there. Look at that.

Festus: Matthew, what's it say?

What's it say?

You, uh, you remember a fellow by the name of Grimes... Petey Grimes?

Petey Grimes.

Of course I do.

He come through here about three years ago on his way to Montana.

I loaned him about $10

so he could get some goods to go on to the goldfield with.

Well, this letter here is from an attorney in San Francisco.

Seems like your friend Grimes hit it big in the goldfields out there,

lived high on the hog, and died a happy man.

He's left you some money.

You mean old Petey's gonna pay me back

the $10 he owes me?

It's a little bit more than that.

You bet!

From church mouse to tycoon in one little jump.

Festus...

It's on the house.

Oh, Miss Kitty, you know I don't start drinking this early.

You're going to today.

Listen to this:

"Pay to the order of Festus Hagen... $500."

$500?!

Get out of this bank!

Get your penny-pinching hands off of me!

I'm gonna knock knots on your head faster than you can rub them

if you don't turn loose my coat.

I ought to bust you one right between the horns.

You can see my freight wagon's worth the loan of two hundred dollars.

That?

That's not worth 200 cents as collateral!

Besides, we don't put up with people barging into the bank.

Hold on, hold on. Now, what's going on here?

He threw an inkwell, Festus.

When Mr. Bodkin refused to give him a loan...

I never did no such a thing.

It kind of scooted across the desk a little

when I... catches my hand.

He created such a fuss, Miss Abigail near fainted!

Bankers!

All you know to do is foreclose mortgages on innocent widows.

All right, hold on, hold on.

I'm ashamed of you, Titus.

Throwing inkwells!

What I ought to do is put you in the calaboose.

That's what I ought to do.

Oh, Festus, I didn't hit nobody. I didn't mean no harm.

I just had to do something! That miserable bunch of skinflint bankers.

All right, all right, now I'll tell you what I'm fixing to do.

If you'll promise not to stir up no more ruckuses,

I'll take you into the Long Branch and buy you a beer.

You trying to bribe me?

No, I ain't trying to bribe you, you old knot head.

I'm just trying to keep you out of jail.

Well, if that be the aim,

I guess you mean kinder by it.

But I ain't no charity case.

I'll buy the beer.

All right.

Seeing as you stirred up all this mess, I'll just let you buy the beer.

Uh, Festus...

Could you... sort of loan me ten cents?

Come on.

Rich, Festus, rich.

Be rich just a-getting your wagon fixed?

No, not just fixing the wagon.

I found me a new trail to Denver.

A new trail to Denver?

This line here, that's the regular stage and freight road to Denver.

Goes gallywhompin' all over the place, don't it?

But look at this here other line.

That's the trail I found.

With my wagon fixed and good nags,

I could open up a regular freight line

and make $40 a trip two or three times a month.

$40 a trip!

Two or three times a month, maybe more.

You saying getting that wagon of yours fixed

and buying them horses would run you around $200?

Eh, might as well be a million.

Wait a minute.

$40 a trip.

Maybe four times a month.

Rich, I tell you.

Festus, I'd wind up a rich man

with proper gear for a 300-mile haul.

Wait a minute here, now, Titus.

Maybe you're going about this thing all wrong.

Instead of trying to borrow the money,

did you ever thing of maybe getting yourself a partner?

Fifty-fifty?

Partner putting up the money?

Ain't nobody around here got $200

excepting them bankers, and they throwed me out.

Well, I better go see about my team.

Titus, I'll maybe see you down at the livery directly.

I just might have me a friend that would want to

get to be a partner with you in this here business.

You got a friend with money?

Oh, you might say he's a pretty close friend, too.

I'll see you directly.

Well, I'd say it'd be shaving about a week off the trip, Festus.

See, I'm always authorized to send freight out of Dodge by the cheapest routes.

So, I could give you all the business you could handle.

All the business we could handle?

Sure. I got a load back there right now you could take out.

Much obliged, Burke. Be right back.

This here's a map showing the route our wagon will take

to get to Denver in eight days.

And old Burke's done told me that he'll have more business than I can handle.

Well, I know it's a good idea to put your money to work, Festus.

I guess this is as good a way as any.

I'd say so, too.

I figured you'd think it was a good idea.

Even old Doc said so.

I'm fixing to go tell old Titus he's got hisself a partner.

Much obliged for the advice.

I didn't know Titus was in on this, Kitty.

Hmm.

I'm not so sure we gave him the right advice after all.

He's older than old Doc is.

By grannies, I can't get over it.

You cagey old coyote.

It was you all along had the money.

It was Miss Kitty and Matthew and Doc that talked me into this.

So if things don't go right, you'll be answering to them.

Think this here old box will patch up, do ya?

Two days' work and she'll be good as new.

We'll have a little sign right along here:

"Titus and Hagen Freight Company."

What's the matter with "Hagen and Titus"?

Seeing as you're investing your money, uh...

it's right that your name be first.

Of course it is.

Except, uh, we don't want 'em to think we're ignorant, do we?

We got to do this alphabetical-like.

Now, don't "T" for Titus come before "H" for Hagen?

I reckon that there would be the proper way.

Well, get it on over yonder to McGraw's and get him to patching it.

Uh, Festus, I'll be needing your money.

Well, everybody in town knows I got money.

Just go over yonder and get whatever you need

and tell him I'll settle up later.

I'm gonna go see Burke about our first load of freight.

Anything I need?

All the hubbub going on in yonder

sounds like they're putting on a heap of patches.

Ah, them fellers just hammer around and make a lot of racket.

Make you think they're doing more work then they actually are.

Why, without me keeping my eye peeled on 'em,

they'd try to cheat us out of our last nickel.

- You mean my nickel. - Well, we're partners, ain't we?

One for all and all for one.

What's yours is mine and what's mine is yours.

Well, I want to see what's yours that belongs to me.

Of course you do, Festus, of course you do.

And you're gonna, too, just as soon as she's all foxied up.

Which ain't yet. And another thing.

Look at you.

You may be dressed all right for a deputy, maybe,

but not for a big, important businessman.

Fiddle. There ain't nothing wrong with these here duds.

Ain't nothing wrong with a sage hen, neither.

But it's peacock that makes folks pay attention.

Now, ain't that what we want, starting up a new business?

It wouldn't hurt none to go on over yonder to the Emporium,

see if they got any fitting duds.

New suit, folks would think you was really some pumpkin.

Get us more freight business.

Wouldn't hurt none to go over yonder and browse around, I reckon.

I'll see you directly.

Did you two ever see this town so quiet? I never did.

I haven't even had as much as a sore throat to treat.

Not that I mind,

but everybody needs a little excitement now and then.

I think you're just about to get your wish.

Where did that come from?

Well, what are you popping your eyeballs at?

This here's the latest thing for businessmen.

You look marvelous, Festus.

Last time I saw a fella dressed like that, he was holding a lily.

Festus, uh, Titus was in a little while ago.

He says your wagon's about ready.

I ain't saw it yet.

But I hope they done some good fixing on it

'cause old Burke's got a good big load of freight for us.

That reminds me,

Titus left these for you. They're bills.

Sure is a heap of paper

for a few little old nails and a dab or two of paint,

ain't it?

Titus said some of them fellers is liable to do some cheating.

Doc, you got kind of a head for figuring.

Seeing as you're always sending out them bills that done in your patients,

you could probably spot, uh, somebody else's cheating.

All right, let me have a look here some.

Now that's a little high, and that.

By golly, most of these look like...

Wait a minute, what's this?

Jeb Hooten's steam calliope, $29.

Well, that there is cheating right there.

If there's anything a feller don't need to fixing up a wagon

it's a steam calliope.

All right, as near as I can figure out,

this whole thing comes to $402!

Four hundred and two dollars!

What in thunder is going on out there?

Four hundred and two dollars!

Look out, look out, look out!

All your blamed fancy doodads

and froufrou Jeb Hooten's steam calliope.

Four hundred and two dollars!

It was supposed to be $200.

That was before I got me a financial partner.

And it was you who said to get what I needed.

Well, I never figured we'd be needing no spangled up circus wagon

and a whole barn full of prize horses to pull it with.

Ah, Festus, you just ain't learned to think big.

You got to admit I started off with a bang, didn't I?

Didn't you see them folks staring?

Staring, my foot... they was blinded!

Instead of frettin' about all these here fancy gee-gaws,

you'd ought to have been a keepin' an eye on this painter.

Look here at all the paintin' that's supposed to have been did

that ain't been did.

See, it...

Well then, there's buckshot holes.

Buckshot!

By grannies, Festus, I believe you're right.

It must have happened before I bought me the wagon.

Titus, I sure hope you ain't telling me no fibs,

'cause whoever put them buckshot holes in this wagon

was sure shooting at somebody.

Hyah! Hyah!

Trail's a mite rough, Festus, but it gets better after a spell.

There's a whole heap of things better start to getting better.

Like, I better start getting back my $402.

You will, you will.

And I'll go you one better than that.

Wouldn't it be better if we got us a second wagon later on?

That's better than your better... We'd make twice as much money.

Will you hush up that silly jabbering?

Here we ain't even got started on our first run yet,

and you're already talking about two wagons.

You make me sick.

Six wagons?

Titus, you're full of jellybeans.

Who's gonna pay for all them wagons?

Then with ten wagons, we can move into Nebraska!

Buy out Wells Fargo!

The railroad!

The Titus and Hagen Gold Plate Line.

We'd each have us a private car.

And then maybe...

a string of paddle wheelers on the Mississippi.

Will you hush up about that?

The onliest thing I know is that I got $402

tied up tighter than a tick in this here circus wagon,

and I aim to get that back first.

Whoa! Ho! Hold up.

- What's the matter? - Nothing.

Would you take over the reigns for a spell, Festus,

and I'll go back and crawl under the tarp and take me a snooze.

Snooze?

Well, we're going to be camping for the night

in about an hour, you knot-head.

I know, but when I get the wearies,

I just fold up like an empty feed sack.

It's a sort of condition.

I just feel my eyelids snapping shut.

And there's nothing you can do about it only get some shuteye.

Giddup!

Whoa.

All right, come on, get out of there, you sneaky little turnip.

Wait a minute! Wait a minute!

I'm doing this for a good reason.

A good reason my hind leg.

I know why you slipped off back here.

'Cause you knowed there's a gate coming up, didn't you?

It's a toll gate. You go to pay to get through.

And if they see me back here, they'd want to charge us for another one.

Oh.

Get back in there.

Oh, howdy, fellers.

This here you fellers' gate, is it?

Say, does this here gate belong to you fellers, does it?

Gold paint.

Sure some outfit.

What I was wondering about was this here gate.

Mister, sure traveling in rich style.

Well... starting up a new freight run to Denver.

Now, about this here gate here.

- Is that... - That gate be a toll gate.

If you wants to cross our land, you got to pay.

We generally charges a dollar.

But for a wagon like this...

We'll have to think on it.

You!

Thievin' varmint. We'll break your scrawny neck.

Turn me loose! Turn me loose!

Mister, this cheatin' skunk come through here about two weeks ago.

We give him bed and grub.

And he snuck off to his old wagon and rode off without paying.

Took a shot at him, but he got away.

Oh, so that there's where that buckshot come from, huh?

I didn't have no money, Festus.

Now, Mister, you made a mistake hiring this old rooster for your flunkie.

Why, he'll cheat you just like he done us.

Let us work him over.

He's been nothing more than a mealy-mouth little worm.

You gonna let him call me names like that?

I been thinking along them same lines myself.

How much this little knot-head owe you?

- Board. - Lodging.

- And toll. - Two dollars.

Two dollars?

Yeah.

Worth 35 cents.

If you gonna be paying for him,

then we'll let bygones be bygones.

Blamed late to go any further.

All right with you fellers if we was to camp out here tonight?

Up to the gate it be public land.

No skin off of our teeth.

When you get settled down, you come on up to the house.

Maybe Ma'll have figured out what to charge.

Come on, Amos.

You heard what they said.

They think you hired me as your flunkie.

When we get up to the house there, you tell them the truth... I'm your partner.

Oh, yeah. That would make a whole heap of sense, wouldn't it?

Them a-likening you to a polecat with the measles.

If we're gonna drive a freight wagon and we got to pay toll,

we just got to pay it, that's all.

Besides, if they knowed you was a part of this thing,

they'd charge us so blamed-much toll we'd be plumb out of business.

Don't you see?

You got a point there, Festus.

Got more than a point, too.

I got $402 I'm gonna get back.

All right, all right, but maybe I can help a little,

knowing the folks a mite.

Uh, now you met Amos and Moody.

But their ma, Mrs. Fowler, she's the one you gotta cozy up to.

Rules the roost, she does.

Got a look that'd send a hungry bear runnin' back to his cave.

That means they'll be coming through regular, huh?

Well, we can't steer 'em off by charging too much,

but we don't want to give them no cut-price, neither.

Here he comes, Ma.

You boys done your part, now I'm gonna do mine.

You keep your mouth shut and your eyes open, you hear?

Your old ma knows how to handle these fancy Dans.

Amos and Moody is bad enough,

but Ma Fowler, well, she's an odd one.

You get her riled up and she won't let us cross the land for no amount of money.

Amos, Moody,

I've caught me the skunk that fleeced us.

It's all right, Ma, he's this rich fella's flunky.

- He's been paid off. - Yeah.

Amos and Moody told me all about you.

I'm Ma Fowler.

How do, ma'am? My name's Festus Hagen.

I thought you was a fancy Dan.

But I see different.

You got a look about you, even with them dudey clothes.

Come on in and sit.

Amos, Moody,

you look Mr. Hagen over real good.

If we get rich like him, I want you boys knowing how gents dress.

I ain't meaning to be rude, Mr. Hagen, but I likes what I sees in you.

You ain't hoighty-toighty like some of them rich folk,

or holding your nose like you got a bad smell under it.

Maybe my boys could learn a thing or two from you.

Well, I'm thanking you for thinking what you're thinking, ma'am,

but I'd like to learn something my own self,

like how much toll are you fixing to charge

for the wagon crossing your land?

You see, boys?

Rich folks don't waste no time beating around the bush.

They come right out with it.

That's what I like about you, Mr. Hagen.

'Cause that's the way I be.

So I'll tell ya.

I ain't made up my mind.

But I'll, um, ponder on it while I'm rustling us up some supper.

You and your flunky can sit with us.

The vittles ain't fancy but they're filling. It'll cost you 50 cents.

Amos, you bring some water.

Moody, fill the wood box.

Yeah, Ma.

You got her eating out the palm of your hand, Festus.

Yeah, and the onliest reason is 'cause she thinks I'm rich.

That's all. And I'm fixing to tell her the truth, too.

What? When she's made up her mind to something else?

Oh, women don't take kindly to making a mistake.

Especially one like her.

I ain't gonna lie to her.

Keeping quiet ain't a lie.

If she wants to think what she thinks, well, fiddle...

Then I'm thinking we wouldn't be in this here mess we're in right now

if it hadn't of been for you.

Flossying up that there wagon

and talking me into buying these here dudey clothes.

It's them dudy clothes that got Mrs. Fowler cozying up to you.

Way it is now, you could sweet talk her into most anything.

Like maybe us not payin' no toll at all.

Ah!

I ain't made up my mind about the toll charge.

I wants to be fair.

Yes, ma'am, I'm sure you do.

I ain't above slickering them what tries to slicker me.

- No, ma'am. - But you didn't try to slicker me.

You got money, and you don't hide it,

what with your fancy clothes and the wagon.

Oh, Festus... I mean, Mr. Hagen here...

There just ain't nobody any more honester than him.

My boys tell me that you'll be coming through here regular.

And that you're starting a freight run up to Denver.

Yes, ma'am, that there is right.

But you be already rich.

So you must have other wagons going other places.

Other wagons, ma'am?

Why, ma'am, he don't even bother counting his other wagons.

Ain't that so, Festus?

- Counting wagons... - See what I mean?

And I'll tell you why he don't count 'em.

'Cause he's got other irons in the fire.

Why just this very day, Mr. Hagen and me

was talking about starting up a railroad.

And a dozen big, white Mississippi stern-wheelers.

- Now ain't that so, Mr. Hagen? - It was you that was doing...

Railroad? Steamboats?

What, with railroads and steamboats and wagons,

you must be plumb smart.

So I ain't gonna try to outsmart you on the toll charge.

We'll talk about it after supper,

and it be ready, so come on, let's sit.

Now, where's your sister at?

I swear, that child's never around.

You know, Dora Lou, she's pretty as a picture.

She takes after her poor, dead pa.

May he rest in peace.

- Take your hat off. - Ah.

Amos, you go fetch your sister, hear?

Yes, Ma.

That there's a mighty pretty name, Dora Lou.

I'll be real pleasurin' to meet up with her.

I get along right good with young ones.

Dora Lou, Ma says it be time for vittles.

You get in here now, you hear?

She be coming, Ma.

Awfully sorry I'm late, Ma, I was just... Oh.

Dora Lou, I'd like you to meet up with Mr. Hagen.

How do, Miss Fowler?

And this one's his paid flunkie.

My name's Titus.

How... How do?

Oh, them be purty flowers.

Fixed yourself up for company, huh?

I didn't know we had us any company, Ma.

- Then what good is flowers? - Ma!

Oh, him.

I ain't much hungry, Ma.

She's mooning over Clarence Carver, Ma.

Moody!

Him and his hardscrabble farm.

Patch-pocket poor. He'll never be nothing else.

Well, he's no poorer than us.

More's the pity, child.

You know, you're too good for the likes of him.

Now, you take Mr. Hagen over there.

He made something of hisself.

Bet his wife don't have to eat no hog back and turnip greens.

Oh, I ain't married up, ma'am.

I never got around to that.

Ain't married up?

Rich feller like you?

Don't seem possible some smart gal ain't managed that.

I bet you could give your wife silk dresses

and jewelry

and servants, and a fancy carriage.

Now, speaking of carriages.

Ain't no sense in yours sitting out in the weather.

After you've ate, you just bring her right into the barn.

Much obliged, ma'am.

Mr. Hagen, you must think we ain't got no manners.

I don't know what I'm thinking about,

putting both us womenfolk on the same side of the table.

Moody, change places with your sister.

- Huh? - You heard me, move!

Sure, Ma.

Well, that be a mite sight better.

No one can say us Fowlers ain't got manners.

You after this one, Mr. Hagen?

No, ma'am, I was aiming this here'n for you.

Well, turn loose of it then.

I can't sit with you holding it, can I?

Amos, Moody, look at your sister.

She ain't never sat herself down beside a rich feller with fancy clothes before.

She takes to it like she was a born princess.

Class will tell every time!

It sure is good to be out of that blamed house.

Have you saw what that Old Lady Fowler's been up to?

I seen it before you did.

Perfectly natural for a mother to wanna marry her daughter up

to a big steamship and railroad man.

Cut that out! I ain't no such thing, and you know it.

Well, you know it and I know it, but Ma Fowler, she don't know it.

Well, she's gonna know it, 'cause I'm fixing to tell her.

Festus, the second-worse-thing a man can do

is to scorn a woman.

And the worstest thing you can do is to scorn her daughter.

Now, do you want to lose that $400?

It's $402,

and even if it is, I ain't going to marry Dora Lou.

Festus, I do believe you ain't dry behindst the ears, yet.

Don't you know what has to be did before a feller marries up?

For one thing, he's got to want to get married up.

You got to court her.

And courting means nothing at all, nothing at all.

All you got to do is look like a sick sheep and do a little spooning.

Spooning?

I ain't gonna do no spoon...

It wouldn't be fair to that poor little girl

to have her think that I was a-courting her for actual real.

Girls love to be courted! Why, you'd be doing her a favor.

Whilst you was bringing the roses to her cheeks and a sparkle to her eye,

well, we'd be a-driving wagons across the land and not paying no toll at all.

Ma Fowler: You ain't never had a chance like this before,

and you ain't never gonna get another.

I don't want Mr. Hagen!

I... I wants Clarence!

But you don't want your old ma or Amos or Moody

to have anything, is that it?

After all we've done for you.

Can't you see he's rich enough for all of us?

Now, Mr. Hagen’s coming. You perk up here.

Your wagon all right?

Yes, ma'am, it's all right.

Sit down, Mr. Hagen.

No, you be the guest of honor.

You take the sofa next to Dora Lou.

Scootch over, Dora Lou.

Ain't that pretty music, Festus?

Ah, takes me back to my own courting days.

Uh, Mr. Hagen, this freight line of yours,

you'll be coming through here steady-like?

Yes, ma'am, I reckon we will.

Well, then, why don't you make our house your regular stopping place?

Well, that there is mighty kind of you, ma'am,

but you ain't told me what the toll's gonna be.

Toll? What toll?

If you're gonna be stopping here regular, you'd be just like one of the family.

We don't charge kinfolk.

What you want, Clarence?

I be calling on Dora Lou.

I brung her some posies...

Clarence.

Ma Fowler: I been hinting for months that you ain't welcome around here.

You ain't got nothing but a hardscrabble farm.

And that ain't good enough for my Dora Lou.

You don't want the posies?

You either! Now out!

Oh! Oh, Clarence... Oh!

Ma'am, that there appeared like a right fine young feller.

There's a big mistake here.

Oh, a mother knows best, Mr. Hagen.

And I'm beholden to you for saving Dora Lou from a lifetime of heartache.

Appears like she's got a good case of that right now.

Oh, what's a few minutes of tears compared to

fifty years of trying to scratch out a living

in a farm like Clarence's?

And when she gets to know you better, I'm sure she'll know the truth of it.

Come morning, I'm gonna make you and Dora Lou a real fine breakfast.

You'll be surprised how bright and cheery she'll be.

Give me the lamp, Amos.

This be the start of a real fine friendship.

Well, I'll show you and your flunkie where to bed down, Mr. Hagen.

Maybe it's time I started to calling you Festus.

Miss Dora Lou!

Please, Mr. Hagen, not so loud!

What in tarnation are you doing traipsing around in here?

I was in my room thinking on it, and well, I had to come see ya.

You lookie here, Dora Lou...

No, you lookie here, Mr. Hagen.

- I come to tell you something... - Shh!

And I'm gonna say it!

You! You...

You come prancing in here in your fancy clothes and your fancy wagon

and boasting about your railroads and your steamboats,

and think you can just wiggle your finger and womenfolk will come a-chasing you?

- I never... - You just wiggle your finger

at those that want your jewelry and your silk dresses,

and your mansions, you hear? 'Cause I ain't one of 'em!

I'm gonna marry up with Clarence!

I... I don't be knowing how,

but Ma and Moody and Amos ain't gonna stop me.

So you can just do whatever you want, Mr. Fancypants rich man,

I ain't for sale!

Are you done talking, are ya?

You want some more?

I wasn't even wanting that much,

so why don't you just walk back

and go through that whole thing one more time.

What... What would you be meaning?

Tell you what I'm meaning,

you're making a whopping big mistake, that's what I'm meaning.

Well, just listen to you.

I'll be having you know that Clarence is good as you be, any old day!

Oh, maybe he ain't got your money or your slick wagon...

Whoa, now!

I made a mistake of saying you made a mistake,

but the mistake I'm a-talking about is the mistake you made before

the mistake that you're thinking I'm talking about.

Don't ya see?

Oh, Mr. Hagen,

I be nothing more than a plain old backwoods gal,

but don't be thinking you could get me all addled up with your smooth talk.

Wait a minute!

What I'm trying to tell you is we both been a-listening

to too blame-much talk.

- Now, you take old Titus in there... - Shh!

Talking me into buying these here dudy clothes, and railroads,

and a-talking me into not talking

when your Ma's a-talking about me being rich and stuff like that.

And that I can buy you fancy jewels and steamboats...

W... Are you saying you can't?

Well, of course I can't.

Can't marry ya.

You don't like me.

Well, it ain't that.

Just this whole silly thing.

And come morning, I'm a-fixing to tell your ma, too.

Toll road or no toll road.

Now, you... you be meaning that?

Of course I do.

You mean, me and Clarence? Oh, Mr. Hagen!

I think you're just the loveablest man.

- Wait... - And I want to give you a big kiss!

Thank you!

Oh!

I'm caught! I'm caught!

Will you just, just...

Want me to shoot him, Ma?

It be too late for that.

What's done is done.

You done disgraced our Dora Lou.

They be only one way out.

Amos, you get over the settlement.

And when you comes back,

you bring Parson Mueller with ya, hear?

Yeah, Ma.

Oh, Ma, you just don't understand.

Oh, hush up.

Hush up, it weren't your fault.

It was my fault, I reckon.

I never warned you about those things.

You got to listen to me, ma'am, this here wasn't no...

Shut up!

We'll go find my old wedding dress.

- Oh, no! - The one me and your pa was married in.

- Come on. - Ma, please!

- Moody... - No funny stuff, Hagen.

You got the wrong idea. This here ain't nothing like you think it is.

Save your lying.

Only words I'm gonna listen to

is after the parson gets here.

One good thing about this, Hagen.

You be disgracing my family,

but leastwise you got the money to make up for it.

I ain't never had a rich brother-in-law before.

Don't try nothing funny.

I'll be right outside.

Look at it this way, Festus.

You'll be part of the family, and maybe we won't have to pay no toll

at all to cross the land with our freight wagons.

Freightin' wagon?

Is that all your puny little old head can think of,

is freightin' wagons?

I keep trying to be practical.

You want me to be, what you call... Your best man?

There ain't gonna be no wedding.

Get out of this stuff...

No, don't jump out the window!

Get out of my way.

Marriage ain't all that bad.

I'm going back to Dodge, getting Matthew,

and I'm gonna bring him back here

and me and him, we're gonna get this dad-burned mess straightened out.

That's what we're gonna do.

Well, if you've made up your mind to go,

I'm going with ya.

Oh, you ain't gonna do no such thing.

And I'm gonna be moving too fast.

Besides, I'll be lucky if I can get out of here

without old Moody hearing me.

And if he does, there's liable to be buckshot a-flying every which way.

I'll stay here.

I'll stay here!

I knowed I'd catch you if I hung around.

You be thinking you could steal my Dora Lou, huh?

No, Clarence.

I ain't trying to steal Dora Lou.

Don't be trying no rich man lies on me.

Getting so tired of trying to tell anybody anything around this place.

Well, I'm gonna be telling you something with my fist.

Shootin' be too good for you.

There ain't no call to be fighting, Clarence.

Just listen to me.

Scared, huh?

If you was a man, you'd be willing to fight for Dora Lou.

Now... we're fixing to do some talking.

We're fixing to be fighting.

- Talking. - Fighting!

I'm... I'm ready, Ma.

If you'd just listen...

What's to listen to?

We seen what we seen, didn't we?

Might as well save your breath for saying "I do."

I hear Amos and the parson.

- Oh... - I'll drag down the bridegroom.

Morning, Parson Mueller. Kindly of you to come.

Amos has acquainted me with the circumstances.

Oh, now, my dear child.

To err is human.

Oh!

Oh!

Oh, yes, yes, the lucky bridegroom.

- No, no, no... - This worm ain't the bridegroom.

Got clean away.

Well, he won't be getting away with it.

You boys get a move on and track him down, you hear?

We'll shoot him down.

There ain't a jury in the world would touch us.

Hold on!

You bring him back alive, you hear?

Shall I wait?

I reckon you better wait, Parson.

Be kind of good to have somebody listening

that ain't done already made up their mind.

What in the fire happened, Festus?

Oh, I run into old Clarence here

and he wanted to do some fighting,

and I wanted to do some talking.

He got his way first.

Clarence: We ought to have talked first.

This here Festus, whoo-ee! He sure packs a wallop.

Appears like I was wrong about Mr. Hagen.

Appears like being wrong about Mr. Hagen

is getting to be a habit around here.

First off, you was wrong about me and Dora Lou.

I seen what I seen.

You turned her into a wanton woman.

She was a-wanting to talk, that's all.

Just talk.

Appears to me like you've been seeing a whole mess of things

without thinking, ma'am.

First off, you seen that fancy wagon,

and then you seen these here dudy clothes

and what did you start thinking right off the bat?

"Oh, he's rich." Well, I ain't rich!

You expect a body to believe that?

What about your other wagons and the railroad?

Wait a minute! Wait a minute, now.

You just start to recollecting.

You never heard me say one word about no such things.

What I ought to have did, the very first thing,

was to tell you that I didn't own but half of that wagon.

Only half? Well, now, who be owning the other half?

That little knot-head.

Old Titus there, he ain't my flunkie,

he... he was my partner.

What do you mean, was your partner?

Oh, you got yourself a new partner, Titus.

I sold my half to Clarence here. Right, Clarence?

Right.

He's fixing to pay me back out of the profits.

- You ain't rich? - No, I ain't rich.

You can put up that gun, Mr. Hagen.

Maybe I've been a mite foolish.

There's not going to be a wedding?

Mrs. Fowler?

You all has been jawing that I weren't good enough for Dora Lou

with only a hardscrabble farm.

Well, I ain't a farmer no more.

- I'm in the freight business. - Oh, Clarence.

Titus: Hold it.

With him in the family,

and you owning the toll road,

we could make a mint of money!

Ma?

Well, like I said,

I done said I been foolish.

Clarence, you work hard on that freight line, you hear?

Oh, yes, ma'am, I sure will.

Excuse me, Parson.

So, you be my new son-in-law's partner, huh?

Yes, ma'am.

Well, I reckon it's sort of fitting

that you're wearing my dear, departed husband's night shirt.

You be a bit scrawnier than him,

but you do look something like him.

Dearly beloved,

we are gathered here today in the sight of God...

I swear to goodness, you'd get in trouble at a lemonade social.

Well, I wouldn't have gotten in no trouble at all

if it hadn't of been for listening to you.

You're the one that talked me into buying into the freightin' business

with old Titus.

Well, I had no... You can't blame me...

Right there is when you should have come to me for advice.

When you sold your partnership in the freight business to Clarence.

Well, what would I want to do that for?

I'm a-getting my money back, ain't I?

Festus, in the world of business and finance,

you always ask for interest.

Oh, Clarence, he's got a whole heap of interests.

Why, he's got plans that you wouldn't...

That's not what I mean at all. What I mean is...

I mean, money interest, you see?

Like, well, three or four percent at least.

I don't know about that,

but he's giving me $50 extra over the $400.

He is?

Would that there be the same thing?

Hmm. I'm amazed.

Well, never mind the interest.

No, you don't.

Now, there you go again a-starting something

and then dropping it like a hot skillet.

Now, if I'm supposed to be interested in interest,

you ought to have enough interest to tell me about interest,

so that I can get interested in interest.

But if you ain't got enough interest in my interest in interest,

well then you can ju...

Doc?

You just ain't got no interest at all.