Original subtitles

Recess is over! Y'all come in!

I want y'all to come inside

and we're gonna take up reading all about Thomas Jefferson.

You stop pulling on her pigtails.

What have you got puffing out those cheeks of yours?

Chewin' tobacco.

Well, you get rid of it this minute.

- Foolin'. Only my tongue. - Oh, get inside.

Um, you all open your books to the place

where it tells all about Thomas Jefferson.

Uncle Titus, Elbert Moses, what you all doing down here?

- Movin' our still. - Law done chased out ol' man Topper

and cousin Smiley, Merry Florene. Thought we'd get it moved out.

You mean, you settin' up a liquor still out of my school?

Shoot. Think she owned the school.

Elbert Moses, you ain't doin' no such thing!

I got my kids to think about!

You listen, missy. Now, you listen!

Now, we had us a hard winter in them hills and we need money,

like for Uncle Finney's doctorin' and such.

You mean old Finney is sick?

Well, he ain't feelin' too chipper.

Why, I got money. Most three dollars a week I get paid.

That's enough for Uncle Finney's doctorin'.

It ain't just Uncle Finney. Now, you got $50 we can borrow?

- $50? - That's right.

The Bull's Head Saloon.

Now, we got what's called a contract.

Furnishin' all the drinkin' liquor for the saloon for the whole year.

And we need $50 to get started.

Well, one thing I know for sure,

y'all ain't startin' no still under this here schoolhouse.

Well, I reckon I'm gonna have to tell her what Uncle Finney said.

- What'd he say? - What'd he say?

He says that he wants a shack to live in.

Uncle Finney already got himself a shack.

Uh-uh. Fell down last week.

And I promised him another, and a better one too.

And he said to say to Merry Florene, thanks for any cooperating,

- payin' back the favors he done her. - What favors?

You saying Uncle Finney never done you no favors?

Time he nursed you back from a sick grave!

I don't remember that.

You weren't no bigger than a button.

Well, I don't mind doing Uncle Finney no favors, but...

Now you're talkin'. Now you're talkin'.

The first thing we're gonna do with the profits of this thing

is we gonna get Uncle Finney a peaceable home for his old age.

It's about time. He's already faced 107.

Sure gives a body a warm feelin' having Elbert Moses for kin,

don't it, Merry Florene?

- Merry Florene? - What?

Get rid of them kids in there.

We can't have them meandering around while we're setting up the still.

I can't get rid of no kids.

I already told them I was gonna read to them all about Thomas Jefferson.

Who's he?

He's the third president of the United States of America, who he is,

- and I can't get rid of... - So tell them it's his birthday

and give 'em the rest of the day off.

How long do you boys expect to be using this here cellar?

Just for a couple of days till we get us a better place.

Go on, eat some lard and fatten yourself up!

I gotta get back to my kids.

I tell you, Uncle Titus, the dumbest thing in this whole world is a woman.

Newly, that there is a pretty prime lookin' bull.

You know, that scutter looks about half mean just with his horns sawed off

and everything, don't he?

Mr. Bishop certainly is going all out

raisin' prime beef on that spread of his.

Festus, you mind riding out to the Bishop place

and telling him that his bull, Brutus III, has arrived?

Well, Burke, I'd like to help you out, but with Matthew out of town,

I got my deputying duties to be took care of.

Well, I guess I'll have to do it myself.

The bull's insured and I wanna get him signed over as quickly as possible.

Well, what's them cuckoo birds a-doin' in town?

Hold up there a minute!

Elbert Moses, what are you doin' back in town?

Fixin' to stir up some kind of a ruckus, are you?

We've got a right to be comin' into a town.

Of course you have, as long as you behave yourselves.

I just wanna know what business you all got in town.

Oh, we just kinda come in, sorta celebrate.

- It's his birthday. - Whose?

- Thomas Jefferson's. - Well, who's Thomas Jefferson?

See what you get when you never learn how to read?

Yeah, maybe you oughta be going to that school that Merry Florene runs.

Never mind! Never mind.

I just kinda forgot there for a minute.

- Then who is he? - Who's what?

- Thomas Jefferson. - Well, I know who he is!

I'm just bettin' you muttonheads is askin'

'cause you don't know your own selves.

No such a thing.

Thomas Jefferson's the third president of these United States.

- That's right. - Well, of course he is.

You're saying it like you is the onlyiest one in the world

that knowed who he was.

That's why we're here. It's his birthday.

Well, I'm a-warnin' you now, behave yourselves. And I mean it.

Now, go on, get, get, get.

Come on, Elbert Moses.

- Doc. - Festus.

Well, this here's quite a day, ain't it?

Well, I hadn't noticed it was much different than any other day.

Well, Doc, don't you realize that this here is a holiday?

Oh, it is? What holiday?

Well, it's Thomas Jefferson's birthday.

The third president of these here United States.

Oh, I know who Thomas Jefferson was, but I...

I didn't know it was his birthday.

Well, Doc, I'm surprised at you.

You mean you ain't had the feelin' that they's a kind of a-celebratin'

by some folks in the air?

No. No, I ain't had that kind of feeling...

Where'd you get this information about Thomas Jefferson's birthday?

Well, foot, there's a few things a-stickin' in my head, you know.

It ain't so hard to recomember a certain day,

especially a president.

Howdy, Mr. Franks. Sure is good to see you again.

- Real pleasure. - How are you, Mr. Franks?

- Real good to see you. - Yes, sir.

You boys gonna make the first delivery on time?

Oh, we won't be a minute late, Mr. Franks.

Let's kinda talk it over a drink.

One thing I don't understand is how you boys stayed in business,

what with the government cleaning out the hills.

Oh, that was easy. We just moved our still down out of the hills.

- Secret hiding place. - Phew!

No wonder you're lookin' for better stuff.

Don't nobody die from this?

Prices I charge in here, they're not lookin' for taste.

It, uh, hits them.

Uh, Mr. Franks, we got us kind of a little problem.

Not a big one, just a little bitty tiny one.

- Just a little one. - Like you want cash in advance.

See, I told you Mr. Franks was gonna understand.

Cash on the barrelhead.

You bring it in, you get the money.

You don't figure a $50 advance would be good business?

Boys, no money.

You can't cut it, tell me, and I'll go back to my regular supplier.

Well, Mr. Franks, you got to look at it, we're kinda partners, huh?

I'll go along this far.

You boys short of cash, you bring in the first jug

to prove you're in business and I'll advance you $50.

But we need the money now, Mr. Franks.

I want that first jug in here Monday at the latest.

- That'll be two bits. - What?

- Two bits. - For what?

For the drinks.

I gotta see you boys a minute, please.

Please, just come down here a minute so's I can talk to you.

Um, I didn't have much of a chance to talk to you fellas over there.

The kids takin' up my time and all.

But I'm doing real good at the school with the kids and such.

And what with Miss Perkins gone into Hays City gettin' herself married...

What you tellin' us about some Miss Perkins, wastin' our time?

I'm trying to tell you I got a real good chance

to be the regular school teacher, the way I got with kids and all.

And, um, but what people be thinking

if they find I got me a still under the schoolhouse?

Somebody'd have to be just plain stupid

to go lookin' under a schoolhouse for a still.

And, Elbert Moses, there's this fella I was tellin' you about, Mr. Newly.

Well, we was getting kinda friendly, I mean sorta...

Merry Florene, I have never in my life

seen a woman act so worried every time I been in town.

You got to learn to trust your brother Elbert Moses more, Merry Florene.

He's a smart man in all the things he's figured out.

The way Elbert Moses talk, lordy, we liable to wind up owning

that fancy saloon, the Longer Branch.

Come on, let's go.

You ain't got no cause to worry, Merry Florene.

We might someday own this here whole town,

and then we'll buy you a better schoolhouse.

Don't you fret now...

- Evening, Mr. Newly. - Hiya, Merry Florene.

- How's school going? - Just fine.

You comin' to the school picnic Sunday?

Picnic?

It's just a little something we're giving to kinda celebrate the...

the kids getting out for vacation time.

Oh, I might drop by at that.

Well, you don't need to come callin' on me, just come directly to the school.

Um, I'll be there busy all mornin' helping the...

the church ladies readyin' things.

So you just come directly to the picnic and I'll be there.

Merry Florene, I didn't plan to call on anybody. I said I might drop by.

Mr. Newly, you ain't embarrassed to be seen sparkin' no school teacher,

- is you? - Of course not.

'Cause, um, I ain't got nobody else liable to get themselves jealous

so you don't have to worry about that.

I'm not worrying. I'll be there.

Mr. Newly, how old you be?

- Twenty-six years old. - My goodness.

When my pa was 26 years old, he already had hisself a passel of kids.

- That so? - Eight, including me.

How old you think I be?

Oh, I don't know, 17, 18.

Eighteen's right, come Sunday.

Won't be long, folks'll be lookin' at me

wonderin' why I ain't got myself married off.

Well, it ain't 'cause I ain't fittin' to be married,

'cause I can sew real good.

And I... and I cook reasonable well.

And I bring in most three dollars a week,

so wouldn't be like I wouldn't be a girl pulling her share of the plow,

- like they say. - Well, I'm sure of that.

Mr. Newly, do you know what I'm thinking?

You're just being shy.

Like, um, I'm sorta shy.

Just can't help sort of being all arms and legs and feet

and all around a fella.

Merry Florene, I don't think I'm shy.

You mean, if, uh, you was to get ready to sort of get yourself serious

and maybe get married off,

you'd just come right out and say it to a... a girl all by yourself?

I guess that's just about it. Sure.

Just kinda take the right time and the right place, like they say.

Mm-hm.

Well, um...

I'm stayin' at Ma Smalley's boardin' place, guess you know that.

And, um, she don't object to men friends callin' none.

I mean, if they sorta be like, you know, real good folks,

and the fellas are quiet when they... when they're calling on a girl.

- Quiet? - Yeah.

Um, I always make myself a little tea around bedtime, so...

- You like tea, Mr. Newly? - Well, I generally drink coffee.

Oh, well, it ain't no big change from tea to coffee for me, Mr. Newly.

What time I be seein' you?

Merry Florene, I just remembered something.

I gotta visit a sick friend tonight.

Oh, my goodness. Can I take him something?

No, no, as a matter of fact,

uh, he breaks out in hives when he gets around somebody of the opposite sex.

He kind of tingles all over.

I never heard of anybody gettin' sick from them kind of tingles.

I mean, sometimes I get kinda tingly when a man slips up on me sudden like.

But it never made me sick. You know what I mean?

Merry Florene, I'll see you over at the picnic Sunday afternoon.

Oh, Mr. Newly, that'll just be sparkling!

And you know what? I'm gonna have me a little ol' picnic basket,

like I fill up your belly so you can't stand up.

Bye, Mr. Newly!

Now... now we gotta think real hard

and figure out who's gonna loan us the $50.

Well, that's easy figurin'. Nobody'll lend it.

Titus, you just give up too easy.

Now, wait a minute. Look at this here.

What's it say?

"$25 reward

for the information leadin' to the app...

apprehension of person or persons unknown

stealing two mules from the Honeywell barn."

That's $25 just for the information.

Sure easy money.

Well, except you need the information.

Go on, read some more there where they's giving money away.

All right.

Here's one for a hundred dollars.

"$100 reward for information..."

Information. That means they don't know who done it, right?

Well, fiddle, if they did, they wouldn't have to be offering money.

Something is coming to me, Uncle Titus.

Something is coming to me. Come on.

We gonna take us a walk down the street and we gonna talk about it.

We gonna talk about it 'cause it's good.

- Oh, you're just the man I wanna see. - What about, Doc?

Where'd you get the idea that this was Thomas Jefferson's birthday, huh?

- You mean it ain't? - Of course not.

Birthday's April the 13th.

Hm. Well, I didn't miss by much. This here's only May.

Well, what brought the idea of Thomas Jefferson's birthday

in the first place?

Well, I just didn't know, Doc.

You got something against Thomas Jefferson's birthday, have you?

Something...?

You're amazing. Just...

Oh! Just simply amazing.

One of these days I'm gonna figure out just what... I don't know.

Soon as you say I stole this bull,

they're gonna throw me in jail is what they'll do.

That's just till we get the reward money and get the sugar and the stuff.

Then I'm gonna go down and say it was a mistake and you're gonna be free.

Elbert Moses, you're the smartest nephew I got.

And I'm ever so much obliged to you for making me your partner,

but ain't this kind of a funny way of being successful?

Going to jail first, I mean?

Uncle Titus, have I ever led you wrong?

This is the first time we ever was partners.

Let's say you stole the bull and I'll collect the money

and buy the sugar and stuff.

You're just mixing things up, Uncle Titus. It was my idea, wasn't it?

Where in the world we gonna hide a big a thing as a bull?

It's gonna have to be a safe place where nobody's gonna think of lookin'.

Like in the school cellar where we got the still.

Merry Florene would never stand for that.

Merry Florene's gonna stand for what we tell her.

Now, go on, get it. Go on, get it.

Come on!

Come on. Bring it.

You're a numbskull, plain and simple!

An animal that valuable should have had a guard maintained here.

But the bull was insured, Mr. Bishop. Believe me...

Don't tell me about insurance!

I've waited five years for that Hereford to age.

He can't be replaced!

Mr. Bishop, believe me, I never dreamed anybody

would just walk off with a bull, especially one like yours.

Why, he'd stand out like a sore thumb.

In fact, Festus is out there right now looking over all the pastures.

I'm giving you exactly 24 hours to recover that animal.

If he isn't returned by that time,

you're gonna be working for nothing for the next 100 years.

Boy, I tell you, that's a real shame getting chewed out like that.

- Yeah. It wasn't even my fault. - You know how I figured it?

It'd take some pretty low people to walk off with that there bull.

In fact, I bet you that they're lookin' at that bull where they got it

hid right now, and they're wondering what they're gonna do with it.

Well, I was just saying that he'd stand out like a sore thumb.

Well, I mean, they gotta be pretty stupid and pretty mean.

In fact, I bet you're gonna get that bull back in no time.

One of them fellas is gonna turn in the other fellas for the reward.

What?

You mean you ain't put out no reward yet for the information

leading to the apprehension of person or persons unknown that stole the bull?

- No. But that's an idea. - Well, you've got nothing to lose.

Freight company don't get the bull back, they gonna be out the insurance money.

If they do get the bull back, what's a measly $50 to them?

Yeah. Yeah, that's an idea. I'll get right down and tell Festus if he's back.

Good luck to you.

Well, there she be, Burke.

"$50 reward for information leading to the apprehension

of person or persons unknown who stole a prize bull

named Brutus III from the freight office."

Well, I sure hope this works, Festus.

Well, the onlyiest thing we can do is just wait and see, Burke.

I did a whole heap of scoutin' around

and I ain't turned up nary a sign of him, no place.

Can I see you a minute, Marshal?

Deputy Marshal. And you're looking right smack dab at me.

- What do you want? - Maybe we could talk inside.

Come on.

What in the for are you acting so blamed skittenish about?

All night long, I been thinking about it.

About Uncle Titus bein' kin and all,

and about blood bein' thicker than water, I mean.

Will you quit flappin' your jaws and tell me what you're tryin' to tell me?

Well, you know my Uncle Titus?

You mean that dumpy little polecat you brung into town with you?

- What about him? - He stole the bull.

I seen him go up the back street with it.

You see, you're lookin' at me like I'm really low.

I mean, I feel terrible about turning in my own uncle.

But, well, there's a man's conscience that you gotta live with.

You're telling me that your onlyiest uncle

- stole this here prize bull? - Shh, shh, shh, shh!

Now, where's this here bull at now?

Well, I reckon Uncle Titus'd be the only one that can tell you

where he hid it.

- And, uh, what about the money? - What money?

The reward.

Well, you just hold your taters about this here reward.

I ain't seen me no bull yet.

Well, you don't need the bull, you just need the information

leading to the apprehension, that's being caught, of Uncle Titus.

Him being the bull thief, I mean.

And where is this grubby little runt at now?

Well, he's drinking over at the Long Branch.

Me and him been drunk most of last night.

- Huh. - Oh, no, wait a minute, Marshal!

Deputy Marshal! Get your hands off of me! Wait for what?

Well, you gotta promise that you ain't gonna tell nobody

where you got the information,

information like it says on the reward poster.

Well, I reckon I ain't gotta tell nobody.

And about the reward money.

Now, you don't have to hunt me down to pay it.

You just give it to the storekeeper where I'm opening up an account.

- You can tell him, but nobody else. - Just wait...

Will you wait a minute?!

Now, you're getting the blamed wagon before the mule on this reward thing.

I ain't even talked to your uncle yet. Knucklehead.

That old daddy of mine never even blinked an eyeball.

He just says, "Mister, you got three seconds to get off this property."

Pay attention when somebody's telling something around you!

Fella says, "Ain't nobody can get through the fence in three seconds."

My old daddy says, "I'll be guaranteein' you,

you just get halfway and this here buckshot'll see you the other half."

- Howdy, Marshal! - Deputy Marshal!

And I wanna ask you a question.

I'll buy you a snort of loudmouth.

I don't want nothing from you exceptin' what have you did

with that bull you stole and hid off someplace?

- Hm? - That there bull

from the freight office!

Are you denyin' that you didn't purloin off with him last night?

Last night? I don't recollect much about last night, Marshal.

Are you denying that you didn't go over yonder and take that bull...?

Where'd you get that?

- "Brutus the Third." - Third what?

You just better have yourself a good story

about how you got this here bull's chain strung around your neck.

I just don't recollect.

Well, maybe you'll do a little better recollecting in the jail house.

Come on.

Y'all be sure you do your homework now, you hear?

Whoa.

Where'd you get all this stuff, Elbert Moses?

I bought it. Now, get them doors open and help me.

- Well, where'd you get all the money? - It'd be a long story.

Here, take this and start it down.

Well, what's so long a story you can't tell me?

- Uncle Titus, he be in jail. - In jail?

Will you quit howlin' it! It ain't killin' him being in jail.

- What's he done being in jail? - Get that thing down here.

- Elbert Moses! - Come on, move it!

You boys be in real trouble again?

Elbert Moses, you gotta tell me what Uncle Titus doing in jail.

What's that?!

It's called a bull.

Oh. I know what it's called.

What's it doing in my schoolhouse?

- It's just eatin', bein' happy. - Elbert Moses.

It's what Uncle Titus and me stole. And there was no other place to put him.

Stole?

My ears are ringin' from your shoutin'!

You're keepin' a stolen bull in my schoolhouse?

We wasn't gonna keep him in my pocket.

Elbert Moses, I keep tellin' you about me and Mr. Newly

gettin' kinda friendly in Dodge City.

Yeah, well, you better tell him he don't treat you good,

he's gonna have your brother on his back.

Oh, it ain't that at all.

I have a feelin' my life is gettin' kinda messed up.

I just told you, Merry Florene, anybody starts messin' up your life,

you just come to me and Uncle Titus. Don't you ever forget, we're your kin.

Marshal.

- Come here. - Deputy Marshal. What?

An awful mistake's been made. I mean, just awful.

What mistake?

Well, my Uncle Titus and me, we be the same when we been drinking.

It takes us a day or two before we can remember things in their proper order.

Wait a minute! What's all this jabbering about?

About that bull.

Now, I seen him getting walked off that night.

But it wasn't by Uncle Titus.

Well, from the back, it looked like Uncle Titus.

But it's coming back to me now that it couldn't have been him.

Why not?

Well, it's coming back to me kinda slow

'cause we'd been drinking all that night.

But the stealin' fella was about...

Well, he... well, he was about that there high,

and he was... he was about that there wide.

Wait just a blamed minute, now!

I latched on to that uncle of your'n with the evidential string

right around his dirty little old neck.

Well, it's coming back to me about that too.

You see, it was me that found that neckpiece in the street

and I just kinda... well, hung it around Uncle Titus's neck kinda foolin' around.

Oh! You expectin' me to swaller all this?

Well, there's one way to prove it.

Now, I ain't saw uncle Titus since you put him in jail, right?

Now, if he says the same as me, well, that proves he ain't guilty.

All right, then. Come ahead on. We'll find out.

Well, now, wait a minute, Marshal.

Did you forget your promise?

What promise?

You said you weren't gonna let on about my telling on my Uncle Titus.

You give me your word.

See you directly.

What's the matter with you?

Doc, this here's just plumb befuddlin'.

Now, this here one fella says that he...

And then this here another fella,

he says that he...

I mean... what... and the both of them...

When the one fella says the one thing

and then he ain't supposed to tell that this here fella

- tattletaled on the other... - Let me outta here!

'Cause I ain't did nothin'! Hey, Marshal, let me outta here!

Marshal! I ain't stolen no bull!

Marshal!

I'm recollectin' everything now, how I got me that neckpiece around my neck.

My nephew, Elbert Moses, put it there.

And it ain't fair keeping me all locked up here.

- Hold on, are you tellin' me... - You just ask Elbert Moses

if I didn't get that neck chain from him.

In fact, I was with Elbert Moses all night.

Couldn't have been me stole the bull.

Hey, whoever you are, tell that marshal he got no right

to keep me locked up unless he's got some proof I stole the bull.

Have you got some proof he stole the bull or haven't you?

Well, I did have, Doc, but then the fella switched his story on me.

- Who is this fella lyin' about me? - Who's telling lies about him?

- Yeah, I wanna know who this fella is! - I can't say who he is, Doc.

I give him my word that I wouldn't say

that he tattletaled on this little muskrat.

Yeah, it sounds to me like you got everything all messed up,

- just like usual. - Yeah! Hey, Marshal! Marshal!

Doc, what do you think I ought to do about him?

Well, don't ask me. You got a badge on. You're the marshal.

Well, deputy!

Marshal!

- Marshal, let me out of this! - Hush up your squawling!

- Let me outta this here place! - You blamed ninny!

I'm gonna let you out, but I wanna tell you...

Now, the first thing I want you to do is tell that good for nothing nephew

of your'n that I wanna see him on some business!

Well, go root him out yourself if you're such a good marshal!

I'll get me one of them law fellas and sue the jail!

Oh, hush your blabbermouth and get on outta here!

Matthew, I sure am glad to see you. I got me a problem.

- What's the problem? - Well, this here bull got stole

from the freight office and this here fella,

he came to me and he said who stoled it.

But he was kinda drunk when he seen it gettin' stoled.

So I ain't supposed to tell nobody that he tattletaled on this fella

that he told me stoled the bull.

But then this here fella that's supposed to have stoled the bull,

and I pure old caught him with that bull's fancy necklace

all strang around his scrawny little neck.

He says that he can't recollect neither stealin' the bull.

But then he kinda sobers up,

and like this here fella that tattletaled on him,

then they both say that this here fella that's supposed

to have stoled the bull didn't stoled the bull at all.

But then this here fella that got the $50 reward,

and I'm fixin' to climb up and down his bony carcass like a ladder

if he don't give it back to me,

he says that this here fella didn't...

couldn't have stoled the bull 'cause he hisself, personal,

found that there bull's necklace on the ground

and strang it around the scrawny little old neck of this here fella

that he said stoled the bull in the first place.

You following me so far?

Oh, yeah, yeah, I follow you all right, Festus. Sure.

But, uh, I tell you, I just remembered I gotta ride up to Smithtown.

They wanted to see me over there. I gotta ride out there this afternoon.

But, look, now I'm glad that you got charge of everything

and you're handling it all right.

If you have any trouble and can't handle anything, well,

try to get ahold of me over there. Just try.

- Morning, Mr. Festus. - Morning, Merry Florene.

How is the teaching comin' at your schoolhouse?

Just fine.

You'd just be plumb surprised to hear how many good things folks

are saying about your teachin'.

Why I've heard folks say it ain't no sense in sendin'

for no new teacher with Merry Florene doing so good.

- Is that the truth, Mr. Festus? - 'Course it is.

Wouldn't surprise me none if you was to be getting asked to be

the regular school marm in Dodge, it wouldn't.

Boy, wouldn't that be somethin'?

Uh, Merry Florene,

uh, if you was to see your brother,

would you tell him that I'm wantin' to see him?

You reckon he done something bad again, Mr. Festus?

Well, that there'd be kinda hard to say.

Leastwise it'd be a pretty long story.

Well, I'll sure tell him you wants to see him.

- Yes'm. Obliged. - Yeah.

I've never seen an animal eat so much in my life.

He's making a regular hog of himself.

Merry Florene?

When you all gonna get rid of that animal?

We got ideas for him.

Well, Mr. Festus, he wanna see you.

That's fine, I don't wanna see him.

You sure you boys know how to make moonshine whiskey?

Ain't nothing to it.

Just mix in a little sugar, a little mash,

put in a little of this a little of that,

and let it cook till it bubbles.

Well, it don't look like nothing I ever seen before in any still.

You said you had some ideas about that there bull. What ideas?

Well, it wouldn't take about 20 minutes to turn him into sides of beef.

- Keep us in meat all winter. - But that there's dishonest.

We gonna take him back now, don't you fret none.

But you all don't understand.

Oh, what you actin' like a crazy woman for?

Here I got my chance to be a regular school teacher

and you all is gonna be spoilin' it for me.

We ain't gonna spoil nothin', Merry Florene.

Here, blow on that.

You all is gonna get caught and I'm gonna get the blame.

And what's Mr. Newly gonna think of me then?

There ain't nobody gonna catch us, Merry Florene.

I never had a nice boyfriend like Mr. Newly before.

And maybe I have a chance to get married and everything.

All right, Merry Florene, all right.

I tell you what we gonna do.

We gonna move this still outta here before Monday.

Now, we're just gonna make us one jug to prove to the saloon fella

that we be in business.

And then we're gonna move our still someplace else. All right?

You ain't gonna find here nothing at all on Monday.

You boys wouldn't be foolin' me, would you?

You sound like you don't trust us, Merry Florene.

Well, you boys keep in mind that I got me a real good chance

to be a school teacher and marry up with Mr. Newly.

We'll be keepin' it in mind, Merry Florene.

Oh! All girls wanna get married.

But all they get's babies.

It don't make sense.

Just ain't nothing like a school picnic, is there, Newly?

Let's you and me get in the sack race. Want to?

Mr. Newly!

I see you got here on time.

- Merry Florene. - Merry Florene.

Festus. I got us made up some...

some apricot pie and chicken

and hard boiled eggs and sour pickles...

Merry Florene, if you don't quit talkin' about all them larruping vittles,

I'm going to eat clean through that basket myself.

Festus, if you'd like to...

- I mean, if you're hungry... - No, no, Newly.

Now, I ain't fixin' to bust in on no sparkin' party

- 'twixt you and Merry Florene. - Sparkin'?

I'll see you at the meetin' place, Mr. Newly.

Meetin' place?

Well, she's probably talkin' about Love Bug Holler

down yonder by the lake, you know, where a fella can take a shemale

and just spark to a "fare the well," chomp on vittles...

Never mind, Festus, I know what you're talking about.

Such as that.

- Merry Florene? - What?

You boys promised me you was gonna get started packing today.

Well, we figured on it, Merry Florene. But we got us a problem.

Now, we been tastin' and we been mixin',

but Uncle Titus and me, we ain't too expert on the tastin'.

Now, drinkin' we do all right.

So, what do you want me to do?

Well, we want you to taste what we got.

But I ain't never drunk no liquor before.

- It ain't hard to drink. - Merry Florene, this is real important.

When we take that jug of liquor into the saloon fella tonight,

and he don't like it, we gonna be out of business right off.

And that means no new shack for Uncle Finney.

I just gotta taste it?

Yeah, to see if we got maybe too much of this or that mixed in.

Go on. Take a drink.

Going down kinda smooth? Huh?

Ah! What's that bubbling stuff?

Oh. Well, that's just the nectar we put in it. Now, go on, take another.

- It tickles. - Here.

Put some of this in it.

- What was that stuff? - That's what they call the mixin'.

Our liquor's gonna be more different than anybody else's.

Yeah, like being known for making real fancy liquor.

Go on, take another swaller or two.

Whoo!

That liquor stuff that, uh... that mixing stuff kinda burns.

That's what Ambrose Isaac uses on his mule

- to doctor him when he's sick. - What?

We seen ol' Ambrose drink it too, didn't we?

We done see him, didn't we?

Old Ambrose just chug-a-luggin' it right down, huh?

Yeah, he'd... he'd drink anything.

Go on, take another drink.

Last one has a great big old sock in it. Go on!

Oh! Oh, it tastes better.

It tastes better.

Well, it must be good then.

Here's to Uncle Finney and his new shack!

He's gonna get it quick, isn't he? 'Cause this here is good.

He's gonna get it right away.

- It's burning all the way down my stomach. - It's good!

- Whoo! - I need another snort

of this loudmouth.

- Merry Florene? - You gettin' impatient, Mr. Newly?

No, as a matter of fact, I'm not even very hungry yet.

Me, neither. I'm not hungry either, Mr. Newly.

- Ain't that surprising? - Surprising?

Well, the fact that we always kinda have a meetin' of the minds.

Like, you ain't being hungry, me neither.

Merry Florene, are you sure you're feeling all right?

Mr. Newly,

all of a sudden, I seein' you in a different light, like they say.

- You are? - Um...

You keep sayin' you ain't,

but I'm saying you got a powerful problem being shy.

Look, maybe we ought to join the others back at the school.

Mr. Newly, like that, um...

That man friend of yours you said was sick and you had to go visit last night?

Well, I'm a-figuring there weren't no man friend being sick.

Well, as a matter of fact...

As a matter of fact, he was feeling sort of out.

Mr. Newly... I got something to tell you.

It's kind of a secret.

Well, what is it?

You promise you won't tell nobody?

I... I promise.

Mr. Newly, I kinda like you.

Hm...

Mr. Newly, you know what? You done forgot it's my birthday today.

Congratulations, Merry Florene.

Well, being there ain't no close kin folks here to... to seal it,

I guess that'd be up to you.

Up... up to me?

- Eighteen. - Eighteen?

Eighteen kisses.

It's kinda one of them things we do in the hills.

Well, now, just a minute. Just... just hold on now.

I'll count while you do it.

One.

- Ah! - I love you, Mr. Newly!

Now look what you gone and done, woman!

Now look what you done, woman!

I love you so much, Mr. Newly!

Where's the salt at, Ethel? You bring any?

Now, that there is a bull a-bellerin' if I ever heared one.

I told you this ain't no time to be taking him out!

Well, he appeared plumb peaceful till now!

Well!

We found the bull for you, Marshal.

Yeah, we don't even want no reward.

That's right. We'll turn him over to you.

Easy, now.

Easy now, bull! Easy!

Easy!

Ahh!

Ain't no job for me, being a deputy.

Too blamed complicatin'.

Well, the proof's in the puddin', as they say.

Nothing better ever been made.

Here's to good business.

Why's that bubblin'?

- Has got a heap of spirit, ain't it? - Yeah.

That's got it, all right.

Well, I promised you boys $50 advance.

That's just about what the freight office's got coming back.

And we'll be doing us a little talkin' at the jail house.

- We did nothin', Marshal. - Deputy!

And we'll be talking about what you done on the way to the jail house.

Now, wait a minute, Deputy. Let's all of us have a drink here

and talk this over.

Now, these boys here haven't...

I have never seen whiskey bubble before.

We could have put too much agin' on it!

Yeah, uh, got too much sweetenin' in it.

We better be gettin' over to the jail, Marshal.

Here! Hold up there! Just a minute!

Now, you two's going right smack back to them hills where you come from.

- You hear me? - No jail?

Oh, I could throw you in jail, all right,

but I'm a-thinkin' about Merry Florene maybe gettin' to be

the regular school teacher here in Dodge

and havin' to own up to you two for kinfolk.

You just sayin' you ain't got no proof we done anything wrong!

Ain't got no proof?

By the time I got that bull simmered down and tied to a tree,

I seen you two with my own eyeballs

a-haulin' that still outta the schoolhouse cellar.

And the next time you poke your face here in Dodge City,

you're gonna be a roostin' in that jail till your chin whiskers

is growed clean down to your dirty toenails! Now, get!

You got any use for a used still? It cost us $7. We'll take five.

- How about three? - Now, get!

Why, I just don't know what to say.

Well, it's our way of welcoming a new school teacher.

Well, y'all are just so sweet.

Well, you know, we, um...

we've had problems keeping new school teachers.

They always seem to be running off and getting married. Hmm.

- Matthew. - Hi, Festus.

Get all your business did in Smithtown, did you?

Yeah, pretty much. How are things going here?

Oh, just fine.

Merry Florene got made the regular school teacher here in Dodge.

Is that so? Well, I'm glad to hear it. She sure deserves a chance.

Uh, what about that other little problem you had?

- Work it out all right? - Oh, worked out plumb good, Matthew.

See, there was this here bull and these here two fellas

had their still set up a-making wobble water.

But I got that $50 reward back, I want you to know that.

But then they wasn't nothing I could do to hold them fellas in the jailhouse.

- Festus, I absolutely agree with you. - Well, I figured you would, Matthew.

But to start with the very...