Original subtitles

His programme contains mildly offensive language.

HELICOPTER ROTOR BLADES

CRASH

TV: "It really is extraordinary."

"Strange, short emissions,...

..which the patient shouts out, seemingly involuntarily."

"FARK !"

ARPS !

ARSE !

GRALS !

GIRLS !?

Dougal, there nothing on. Why don't you read a book ?

All right.

No, Dougal. Read a different book.

Actually, it's been a few minutes. I'll see if anything good's on now.

You should broaden your mind.

What're ye reading anyway ?

Actually, I'm re-reading it. William Shatner - "Tek Wars".

TV: # JOLLY STRUMMING GUITAR

Oh, no. This eejit !

"# My lovely Mayo mammy"

# So gentle and so wise

# Rockin' on your rockin' chair

# Baking cakes and pies

# My lovely Mayo mammy

# My lovely, lovely, Mayo mam #

Eek !

It's Eoin ! Oh, Father, isn't he lovely ?

He's a brilliant dancer as well !

Uurrghhh.

It's time to announce the winner of my poetry competition.

Oh...

You had to write a poem about me.

The prize is that I call round to the winner's house for a cup of tea.

Can you imagine that ?! Oh, God !

Over I go to my poetry corner.

OK, here it is. This week's winner.

"Eoin McLove is his name, Singing songs is his game,

Some day I will say 'Hello', And for a cup of tea we will go."

ALL: Ahh...

And the winner is - Mrs O'Neil from Kildare.

It says here she's 110 years old.

AUDIENCE: Ooh.

She asks what my favourite things are. I'd have to say - well, er,...

..jumpers and, er,...

..cakes.

WHINING

Oh, no, what's this ?

A little puppy with a broken paw.

ALL: Ahh.

I'd better nurse it back to health. Goodbye.

ALL: Bye !

(MOUTHS)

Maybe next time, Mrs Doyle.

One of his songs reminds me of the time my husband...

I've said too much.

I'll just go and listen to his latest album. He's brilliant !

Ha, ha. Women.

Where ?

No, I mean,... women !

Oh, right, yeh. Women !

Tcha !

Tcha ! Tcha !

Ye can't live with 'em, and ye can't live without 'em.

Yeah ! But there aren't any in here.

No, you're fine.

I could write a poem and send it in.

Mrs Doyle's poetry is bound to be hopeless.

What would you write about ?

Ah, Dougal. Inspiration can come from so many places.

# SENTIMENTAL TUNE

Aahhh... Aaaarrrhhh !

Father Nolan was in a gas explosion. It punched a huge hole in him.

They could only identify him by his dental records.

Poor Father Nolan.

Yes, he's very low at the moment.

EoinMcLoveiscomingtoCraggyIsland !

Calm down, Mrs Doyle. What was that ?

EoinMcLoveiscomingtoCraggyIsland, he read out my poem !

Your poem ?

Well, I wrote it as a surprise, but it was my poem.

No, no. It's mine !

I'm sorry, Mrs Doyle, I don't think so.

What was the first line ?

"Eoin McLove has a happy face."

That's not my poem.

No ! It's mine ! HA-HA-HA-HAA !

I'm hugely confused, Ted.

I can only think that Mrs Doyle's poem was better than yours.

But that couldn't be, could it ?

That your poem was worse than Mrs Doyle's ?!

That couldn't happen, could it, Ted?

Could it ?!

When's he coming ?

Aah !

When's he coming ?

I can't. It's a secret.

Thursday.

Friday.

Saturday ?

Sunday ?

Aha !

You won't tell anyone, will ye ?

I swear. May I get every disease middle-aged women can suffer from.

As you know, that's a lot of diseases.

(JABBERS)

(JABBERS)

(JABBERS)

PIGEONS COO

(JABBERS)

(JABBERS)

Eek !

I think he's here. The good news is he's only got a crappy Cortina.

Imagine going around in that thing.

That's my car.

Oh, right. Still, you know what I mean.

Mrs Doyle ! He's here !

Is this the place ? What is it ? A mental hospital ?

No, a parochial house. The winner is the priests' housekeeper.

So, do I have to walk to the door ?

Yes.

I have to walk to the door meself ?!

Yes, you have to walk there yourself

Mr McLove will only allow one photograph, for advertising purposes

Eoin McLove is not an equal-opportunities employer.

MOBILE PHONE PLAYS TUNE

Hello ?

Hello ? "Hello. Is Patsy there ?"

Yes, Eoin, this is Patsy.

I'm in the hall now. Will someone let me in, or will I knock, or what?

Dougal, he's our guest. Let's do this for Mrs Doyle.

I know, I know.

I'm Eoin McLove - that's who I am.

Hello, Eoin.

I'll leave you alone.

I talk to them ?

I talk to them ? Yes, Eoin.

What if the old one says something I don't understand ?

Just... I dunno.

The thick-lookin' one looks weird.

Eoin !

I smell wee. Where's that from ?

It's this one here. This one smells of wee.

(GROWLS)

Best step away there.

So where's the winner, so I can go home and have me tea ?

You can have it here. Mrs Doyle !

CROCKERY RATTLES

Hello.

Brilliant - she fell on her arse.

# EERIE DISCORDS

..59, 60. Right, that's 20 minutes. I'm off. Don't try to stop me.

Erm,... Eoin, did you enjoy your tea?

What... I don't know. Whatever.

I want to go now. It's getting dark.

You're afraid of the dark ?! It's only because the sun goes... It...

It's something to do with clouds.

I want to get out. How do ye get out ?

Eoin, was there good poem this week ?

What... No.

Are ye sure ?

I remember one from this lunatic. We had to call the police.

No, that couldn't be it.

Anyway, I'll stop talking to ye now.

Hello ? Is Patsy there ?

You don't need to keep talking to me on the mobile.

What ? This is a bad line. Patsy ?

Oh, no, not again.

(ALL CALL OUT)

Ladies, go on home, now. Nothing to see here.

Go away, ye big pile o' dirty old biddies.

Eoin.

We can't stay around to chat. I have an important baptism tomorrow.

The baby has a big head, and may not fit in the font.

It's like a tide of jam coming this way, but jam made out of old women.

I think we'd better get back inside.

Go away ! I don't want to catch the menopause!

Let me in ! (SCREAMS)

Oh, that was close...

DOUGAL !

Hello.

I don't mean "Hello", I mean - help !

Oh, right.

Aah ! Actually, Dougal, that's my hand. Try hitting the women's hands.

OK. Sorry, Ted.

TICKS

PILLS RATTLE

Hello ? Hello ! >

The battery's dead. What about your phone ?

They've cut the lines.

They'll lie in wait like wolves !

The smell of blood in their nostrils !

Waiting ! Interminably waiting...

And then...

He's right, Ted.

What do they want ?

To mother him. He can only blame himself.

I mean, with album covers like this, you're asking for trouble.

I'm no good at judging crowds, but there's about 17 million of them

I'm hungry. Where's the jam ?

You're not supposed to eat before dinner.

I'm Eoin McLove. I'll do what I like

I've got a terrible secret.

Do ya ?

Yeh.

Yeh. What is it ?

I'm not telling ye.

Eoin ! Don't eat jam from the jar !

Leave me alone. I can have you killed.

Get out !

I was just cleanin' the spoon.

TICKS

(SNORES)

I can't stand it. Why are they so quiet ?

Patsy !

What do you want ?!

SMASH

Aagh !

It's all right, she's one of us.

(MUMBLES)

What ? What ?! Yes, yes...

Mrs Doyle says - would you like a cake ?

Who ?

Mrs Doyle. This woman here.

Oh, right.

(MUMBLES)

It's banana. She's says it's your favourite.

God, yeh, I'll eat that. No-one else is getting any.

What's going on ?

Oh ! (MUMBLES)

What's happening ? I'm scared.

I'm sorry, but, in an unusual move, she's baked a jumper in the cake.

This is the worst thing that's ever happened to me !

I'm not wearing a cake jumper ! It's horrible. Yuk !

Oohhh !

I'll eat the cake, though.

TICKS

We need something to lead them away from him, so he can escape.

Some kind of misleading event, but... what could it be ?

(SIGHS)

I know ! A diversion ! That's what it's called - a diversion !

I didn't ask what's it called. What should the diversion be ?

Come on - ideas, ideas.

< CLATTERING

S... Sh...

DRINK ! FECK ! ARSE ! GIRLS !

Yes, thank you, Father Jack (!)

We need more concrete ideas than that

What do old women like ?

They love a big game of bingo !

Why not lure them into some kind of bingo game ?!

Right (!) How do we do that ?

We could print some bingo cards on our printing press and... Oh.

Yes, it's the lack of a printing press that lets us down.

Or bingo balls, or a microphone, or, in fact, any bingo paraphernalia.

Damn ! So near and yet so far !

HAMMERING ON WINDOW

NO WAY ! GO ON HOME ! SHOO !

We just wanted to tell ye - that was a brilliant Mass on Sunday.

Oh,... thank you. I was very happy with the sermon.

Yes. How did it start again ?

Let's see... "I think it was the actor Nick Berry who said... "

Sorry, Father, we can't hear you through the window

Right.

"I think it was the actor Nick Berry who said...

Oh ! There he is ! He's asleep !

ALL: Ahhh !

Isn't he lovely ? Ahh...

You're not interested in my sermon !

Why is the window open ?!

Can't hold them back ! Get upstairs !

< Eoin ! Eoin !

ALL: Eoin...

BACK ! BACK !

Oh, God. What are we gonna do now ?

(SINISTER MOANING) Eoin... Eoin...

What're we gonna do ? I'm worried for the little ones.

They have their whole lives ahead of them.

CRASH

ALL MOAN: Eoin ! Eoin !

Cock-a-doodle-doo !

STOP ! STOP ! LADIES !

It's after seven o'clock.

Your husbands might be wondering where their breakfasts are.

Yes ! Remember last year, Mrs Dunne ?

Your husband washed up, and burnt the house down.

And Mr Collins tried to make the bed on his own,...

..and lost a leg.

Surely you can't let them get through a day on their own ? Go on home.

Hup, hup !

# EERIE DISCORDS

< (GASPS)

Can I have this duck ?

Right, we're off.

Did you have those suitcases before ?

No. I liked a lot of stuff here so I thought I'd take it off with me

Ohh, that's very cheeky.

Well, I'm taking everything, and that's that.

Sorry he's been so much trouble. (It must be to do with his problem.)

You mentioned that earlier. What is his problem ?

I have no willy.

Right. Don't you have something to say to Mrs Doyle ?

Oh, er,... thanks for the cake jumper.

THUD

There's bloody cake bits everywhere!

Would you like to come to the next show ?

Father McGuire said you're always trying to get on television.

(CHUCKLES) No, that's not true.

It is true. You do want to get on TV

You told me it's your number-one ambition.

Did I ? Ha, ha... I might've said that. Joking, probably.

I actually couldn't be bothered.

We get an audience member to take part in a quiz. There's a cash prize

I'll do it.

You've got four out of five on your specialist subject -

..William Shatner's "Tek Wars".

AUDIENCE: Ooh.

Oh, people will think this is rigged

John Paul II: what was his name before he became Pope ?

Intelfax Subtitles TIM BAYLISS

Jim ?