Original subtitles

'Previously on Father Ted...'

It's only a stupid game !

The over-75s football match isn't stupid !

Can you win it without Father Nick ?

I hope so. It's the forfeit system.

Wait a second, these are fake hands!

By this time next week you have to -

Yes ?

You have to...

Kick Bishop Brennan up the arse !

TRIBAL DRUMS

Come on, lads !

Quetzalcoatl the volcano god is angry. We must appease his wrath !

Volcano god, nonsense !

I'll ask you one more time. Would you not try Catholicism ?

Nah. We don't agree with the line on contraception.

It's the '90s, for God's sake.

(SCREAMS)

THUD

Cup of tea, Father.

Father,... cup of tea. (TUTS) Father, what's the matter with ya ?

You're miles away.

Mm ? Oh, sorry, Mrs Doyle. I was just thinking about my next parish.

The Bishop wants to send me somewhere unpleasant. This time he might do it.

You see, I'm going to kick him up the arse.

Oh, that. I don't think he'd mind.

I'd say he'd love a good, big, hard kick up the arse.

Ted, you're not gonna believe this ! Clint Eastwood was arrested for a crime he didn't... No, it's a film.

Do you have to kick him up the arse?

I lost the bet, Dougal. I have to do my forfeit.

Dick Byrne lost the darts tournament and had to say "Bollocks"...

in front o' President Mary Robinson. He won't let me away with this one.

You're right. There's a code of honour involved.

You could lie to him.

He insisted you take a photograph as proof.

God, Dougal, what can I do ? I like this parish.

Do ya ?

Well, no.

Look at it this way - Bishop Brennan has visited us twice in three years.

He hates us! He thinks we're eejits.

He thinks you're the biggest eejit, head-honcho eejit number one.

He may never come here again.

PHONE

Hello, Bishop Brennan.

Yes.

OK.

He's coming tomorrow.

Why ?

I gather that Father Dick Byrne told Bishop Brennan of a miraculous image

..that's appeared in the skirting boards of the parochial house here.

He told him in the wood grain...

..you can see what appears to be a perfect likeness of Bishop Brennan.

You found out all that there ?

He's excited.

Images appearing on skirting boards, it's wacky.

It's strange, like the Turin Shroud or that woman in Sligo.

Padre Pio appearing in her tea bags.

Or the time I saw God's face in that painting, that was a bit strange.

It wasn't that strange. It was a painting of God.

Have ya heard of the Mud Angel ?

The Mud Angel ?

Every week in the mud by O'Leary's pub, there's the outline of a man.

They call it the Mud Angel.

Mystery solved.

Still, visions and apparitions, it's odd.

It's an area of Catholicism that's a bit mad.

The whole Catholic thing's a puzzler, Ted.

Careful, Dougal.

I'm a bit afraid of Len.

Join the club. I wouldn't worry.

The worst thing would be to get so anxious about it you can't sleep.

I mean, that'd be just...

Dougal !

DOUGAL !

What ? What ? God, that was weird ! What happened there ?

I remember feelin' drowsy and tired...

..and then I can't remember anything at all after that.

Yes, Dougal. It's called falling asleep.

You do it every night. I don't know how you can drop off.

Today you're gonna photograph me kicking Bishop Brennan up the arse, and he won't like that either.

Would you like someone takin' a photo of you being kicked up the arse ?

I wouldn't like that at all !

No, I thought you wouldn't. His PA is coming, Father Jessup, Ireland's most sarcastic priest.

When Len comes,...

Dougal, don't call Len "Len", he's a bishop.

What are you not to call him ?

Len.

Good. Just remember that.

Len, Len, Len, Len, Len, Len, Len, Len, Len, Len, Len, Len, Len, Len.

OK. Now, let's get a good night's sleep.

It's morning. We must have talked all night !

We've a few hours before the...

ALARM CLOCK

I set it early. We've time before Bishop Brennan...

DOORBELL

Mrs Doyle, stall them for a few seconds ! Come on, Dougal !

Hello.

This is the housekeeper.

Your Grace, is that... a hat you're wearing ?

It's called a biretta.

Is it ?

Yes.

(GIGGLES)

Well, that's enough stalling. In you go !

You see the importance of the Eucharist in the mass from what St Paul says.

As I see it,...

Pretending to talk about religion. Crilly !

Ah. (CHUCKLES)

Hello, Len.

Don't call me Len, ya little prick ! I'm a bishop !

Oh, right. Well done.

This type o' thing 24 hours a day !

I'll be quick! Show me the likeness!

I have to be off to Rome for an audience with the Pope.

I love those programmes ! Have you seen the one with Elton John ?

Shut up !

Hello, Father Jessup. Helping Bishop Brennan ?

No, I'm up in space doing important work for NASA !

Now, show me this thing, Crilly.

It's like you, Your Grace.

Really, now ?

You're better looking, of course.

I don't mean that in an intimate way.

Nasty day ! Did you use the new road?

No, we went round by Southern Yemen!

Before we see the skirting board, can Father McGuire take a few photos?

Go on, Dougal.

Oh, this is nothing ! Nothing !

I-I suppose... I suppose we better go.

Now, this is a new one.

Before we look at it, perhaps we should say a prayer.

No, I don't want... ! Oh, all right.

Lord, at Bishop Brennan's time of joy

..when you have seen fit to put his face into our house's skirting board,

..we ask you to consider the gift of forgiveness.

You, the most forgiving of all gods,

Of all gods ? What other gods are there, Crilly ?

Er, false gods.

Lord, heap blessings upon wise Bishop Brennan,...

..the world's best bishop by miles...

..for he endureth without spite. Amen.

There it is, Your Grace, under the window there.

Well,...

I don't see anything, Crilly.

What happened there ?

Crilly just... jumped through the window.

Crilly ! Are ya out there ? What's going on ? Why did he do that ?

"An Audience With Lily Savage", that was good as well !

The Pope'll be just great.

Why did you jump through the window?

Jump through the window ? I didn't.

You jumped through the window !

It was shock. I saw your face. Did ya not see it ?

No, I did not !

It smiled. Did you see it, Dougal ?

No.

It was extraordinary. And do you not notice the holy smell in the room ?

Ted, that might be Jack's underpants hamper.

I'll put it back in his room.

Look at it, it's uncanny ! I thought you'd appear on more things, you're such a top-of-the-range bishop.

It is just an indistinct squiggle ! Now come on, Jessup. We're leaving.

Where is my cloak ?

Your Grace, I just heard on the news that they've taken the roads in.

They've taken the roads in ?

Yes. When the rain is bad, they store them in a warehouse.

I have an audience with the Pope in Rome tomorrow !

Don't worry, Len. They repeat those shows all the time.

The roads'll be back out tomorrow.

So, we have to spend the night !

Yes.

Oh, bollocks.

Will I make up the spare beds ?

No, we'll sleep outside in a ditch !

OK, so.

Would you like a cup of tea ?

No, we'd rather die of thirst !

OK, so.

(CLEARS THROAT) Mrs Doyle,... I think Fr Jessup was being a bit sarcastic.

What ? Were you sarcastic, Father Jessup ?

No, we want to die of thirst !

I know it's confusing, but do the opposite of what Father Jessup says.

OK.

So, you really do want a cup of tea.

(SNORTS) Yes !

(SNORTS AND GRUNTS)

The kraken awakes ! Did we disturb you, Father ?

Arse biscuits !

What ?! How dare you speak to His Grace like that ?

Apologise immediately !

(HIGH PITCHED) I'm so-o-o, so-o-o sorry !

Now, that's sarcasm.

There's no way I'll be able to kick Bishop Brennan up the arse.

He's just too scary. I'd rather take my chances in another parish.

(SIGHS)

Oh, God !

Ah, my God !

I know how you can kick him up the arse and get away with it.

That would make you the most intelligent person in the world.

D'you think it's likely ?

I wouldn't go that far.

I'm no Jeffrey Archer, I don't care what anyone says.

Why don't you just kick him up the arse and act like nothing happened ?

Brilliant (!)

Ted, look at it this way - how scared are you of Len ?

Very scared.

Exactly. So, how likely would it be for you to kick him up the arse ?

Not likely at all.

When you kick him up the arse act like nothing happened !

He'd never believe you'd be brave enough to kick him up the arse !

He'd think he just imagined it.

My God !

That... That might work.

That might well work ! I'm going to do it, Dougal. I'm ready

As God is my witness, I will kick Bishop Brennan up the arse !

CRILLY ! >

BANGING ON WALL

Keep the noise down in there ! >

It might be worth one more look.

It's been a complete waste of time !

Things might pick up, you never know.

All right, then. Let's see. Come on.

That's not yours, it belongs to His... Don't look at me like that !

Give that back or there'll be trouble.

Come back here !

Give that... Oh ! HELP ! >

No, no.

Oh ! Aaaaargh !

What was that ?!

Mice or something.

Can you see anything ?

No, I can't ! Just wait a minute. There seems to be...

a very crude watercolour painting...

..of a man in a bishop's hat !

REALLY ?!

THUMP

Let me see.

Right. Tell ya what must've happened.

Dougal probably didn't want you to be disappointed, so he drew it himself.

Ah ! He meant well.

I'm sure you want to be off, catch that ferry. We'll order you a taxi.

Looking forward to seeing the Pope ?

Did you see anything ?

Nothing. You're right, it was a wild goose chase. Where's Father Jessup ?

Maybe he went on ahead.

OK, so. See you soon, Your Grace.

Come back as soon as you can.

CAR HORN

BOTH: Bye !

< Your Grace ? Your Grace, are ya all right ?

You were right, he didn't notice a thing.

You gave him a really hard kick up the arse, and he didn't realise.

Maybe I didn't kick him up the arse.

No, Ted. I took the photo, remember?

You're right, I did do it ! And I really went for it !

More sparkling wine. I need more sparkling wine.

Did you pack this bag yourself, Your Grace ?

Your Grace ?

Huh ?

Father.

Arse.

Help ! Help ! >

Thank God !

Help me !

Father Jessup, what are you doing in Father Hackett's underpants hamper ?

He locked me in here !

Dear God,... the smell !

Are ya not uncomfortable in there ?

Of course I'm uncomfortable !

I want to get out !

Fair enough, so !

Where are you going ?! Take me ! >

Have you finished your meal, Your Grace ?

Huh ?

Have you finished ?

No.

(DRUNKENLY) This, this is what I did.

First thing in the morning, Dougal, I want 200 copies for all my friends.

One for myself, blown up ten by ten, ya feckin' old... (MUMBLES).

FECK OFF !

CHANTING

And from Ireland, Bishop Leonard Brennan.

He did kick me up the arse !

Get me on the first plane back to Ireland ! NOW, God damn it !

What are ye lookin' at, huh ?

Ah !

(Oh, shit !)

Oh. Oh, God.

CAR HORN

(SCREAMING)

Oh, no !

CRILL-Y !

(WHIMPERING)

BANGING ON DOOR

CRILL-Y !

CRILLY !

I know you're under the bed, I can see ya !

Bishop Brennan, hello. What brings you back ?

Come out from there now !

No.

No ?! I will give you ten seconds, Crilly !

It's just I can see another vision of you, Your Grace.

Bits of fluff seem to be arranging themselves into a bishop formation.

Ah. Hello !

Great to see you back ! What brings you here ?

I suppose the company,...

..the view from my window of that great pile of sludge !

Number one on the list would be the matter of you kicking me up the arse

Yes, I think that is the one I would prioritise.

Kicking ?! When did I kick ?!

Don't try my patience, Crilly ! You kicked me up the arse !

Try to deny it, and I will have you fed to the dogs !

Why would I do that ? You'd kill me !

You're damn right I would !

I would never, ever kick you up the arse.

I think you're great.

Well, I... Huh ?

Are you sure you're not making a mistake ? Could that be possible ?

Of course not ! It did occur to me that it was a bit... unbelievable.

It's unbelievable because it didn't happen.

I swear to you on all that I hold dear, on my life,...

..on my religion, on God, on all the saints and angels in heaven..

..I did not kick you up the arse.

You know, maybe I need a holiday.

Maybe I have been... sort of imagining things.

You have been. You deserve a holiday.

Shut up, Crilly !

Okey-dokey.

Bye ! Don't worry about the door. Come back again soon.

Ted, I got those copies you wanted.

(Shut up, Dougal ! Shut up !)

Where d'you want the ten by ten ?

What d'you mean, where do I want it ? Bye, Bishop Brennan ! We love you !

Come here, Crilly.

Turn round.

CRILLY !

THUD

INTELFAX SUBTITLES CHRIS STANNERS

LIGHTER CLICKS

I'm really enjoying this (!)