Original subtitles

HELICOPTER ROTOR BLADES

CRASH

SHEEP BLEAT

Hello, Fargo.

Ahh, Hud, Giant. Hello.

You have Chris looking great.

Thanks, lads.

Ahh, Father Crilly ! Hello there !

Fargo ! (CHUCKLES) How's the champ ?

Great. Few quid on him this year, Father ?

I've put the entire heating allowance on him.

What if he doesn't win, Father ?

Well, we won't have any heating...

But if the rest of the year's as warm as the summer, we're laughing

Come on ! It's Chris ! He's the champ ! Talk about a safe bet.

Giant, have you heard about this creature terrorising sheep ?

No-oo. Tell me more.

They say it's as big as a jaguar.

The car ?!

No, the big cat thing !

And its face is all teeth - big, white teeth as sharp as knives.

Has it killed yet ?

No, but it's only a matter of time.

Hope it doesn't get my sheep.

No man's sheep is safe.

Ooh, dear.

Ooo-oohh !

Ooo-oohh ! Ooo-oooohhh ! >

Oooooohhhh !

Oohhh-oooohhhh !

< Oooohhhhhh !

Ooohhhh...

Ooohhhhhh...

Ooohhhhhh !

< Ooohhhh...

OOOOHHHHH ! >

'Has it killed yet ?'

'No, but it's only a matter of time. Big, white teeth as sharp as knives.'

BEASTLY HOWL

BIRDSONG

LOUD BIRDSONG

BIRDSONG STOPS

TUMBLING TIN CANS

GUNSHOT

GUNSHOT GUNSHOT

GUNSHOT

GUNSHOT GUNSHOT

GUNSHOT GUNSHOT GUNSHOT

Dougal, give the album a rest now.

Ah, come on, Ted.

People will soon give up listening to pop and listen to this instead.

From what's in the charts, I'm not sure if that's not happening already.

What ?

This is so good, though, Ted.

As if by magic, I can create a big crowd of invisible ducks.

STEAM-TRAIN WHISTLE

Or take you on a trip into darkest Africa.

TOILET FLUSHES

Or bring you into a spooky castle on a stormy night.

PHONE RINGS

Wooooooh !

Wooooooh !

Hello, Craggy Island Parochial House. Father Ted speaking.

F-F-F-Father !

Fargo ?

Can you come over here quick !

Certainly, Fargo. What's the...

"DIALLING TONE"

I have to go out, Dougal, to see Fargo Boyle.

Mrs Doyle, you OK ? You look terrible, doesn't she, Dougal ?

Awful, Ted.

I didn't get much sleep, Father. I kept hearing this terrible howling

Oh. That'd be the Beast.

What's this ?

There's something terrible on the moors, Father.

EERIE WHISTLING

Moors ? We don't have any moors.

Then something's roaming around where normally there would be moors!

They think it might be...

..a kind of giant fox !

CLAP OF THUNDER

Dougal !

Sorry.

Ted ! Could it be Jack ?

You could see how someone might mistake him for a big, mad cat !

During leap years, Father Jack is affected by the seasons changing.

For a short while, a serenity enters his life and he is at one with nature

He's great when he's in the mood. If only it lasted a bit longer.

(VOMITS)

I'd better go and make some tea.

CRUNCH

CRUNCH SQUELCH

CRUNCH SQUELCH CRUNCH

CRUNCH SQUELCH CRUNCH SQUELCH...

Dougal, I told you to turn off that record !

Well, it is off.

SQUELCH

SQUELCH CRUNCH

SQUELCH CRUNCH SQUELCH...

Chris isn't competing ?! He's the champ ! He has to enter !

This talk of the Beast has got to him. His nerves are shot!

I took a photo of him this morning.

Nerves ?! Fargo, it's a sheep !

He has an artistic temperament !

He's not a concert pianist, he's a sheep ! I don't see...

Oh, my God...

When you compare it with what he looked like last year..

It's... It's like two completely different sheep !

He's off his food, he's not sleeping,...

..and he's started to burp.

(WHIMPERS) W-What am I going to do ?

(SOBS)

Fargo, pull yourself together.

Chris needs you now more than ever. Come on, I want to see him.

(SHRIEKING) HE DOESN'T WANT TO SEE ANYBODY !

That's an order ! Take me to see Chris,...

..the unhappy sheep.

Dougal, you should've seen him. He's just a shadow of a sheep.

I'm not surprised, Ted. If I was a sheep, I'd be watching my back now

Why ?

Because of the Beast.

They say it's got a retractable leg so it can leap up at you better.

And it lights up at night, and, er..

..it's got four ears - two for listening, two for backup.

And for some reason, it's got a tremendous fear of stamps

It has a magnetic tail, so if you're metal, it can attach itself to ye,..

..and instead of a mouth, it's got four arses.

Dougal !

It's a legend. It doesn't exist.

Right (!) Like the Phantom of the Opera (!)

The Phantom doesn't exist !

I'm not getting into that debate again.

But add those two examples to the chart.

But, Ted...

Dougal !

I'm more worried about my bet about Chris becoming King of the Sheep.

You don't think he'll win, then ?

No burping sheep has ever won.

What about Big Brendan in 1983 ?

Fluke !

Anyway, it's just the heating budget. And look what The Weather News says.

That's last year's Weather News !

This is this year's.

Oh, no. I'll have to see if John and Mary will give my money back

And I'll ask them for the sound effects album volume 5

Fair enough. Good night, Dougal.

HOWLING

..his ears are inside his head,...

..and his yawn sounds like Liam Neeson chasing hens inside a barrel.

Hello, Fargo. >

And he doesn't have any eyebrows. Except on Saturdays.

OHH ! AARRRGHHH ! ARRGH !

You can stay in there till you learn some feckin' manners!

? Ye bastard ! KNOCKS ON DOOR

And I've thrown away the key ! How do ye like that ?!

Hello, John.

Hallo, Father Crilly !

Hallo, Father McGuire !

KNOCKING STOPS

Where's... Where's Mary ?

Oh, she's away at her mother's.

? OW !

Is there, erm, someone in the cupboard ?

? Hello, Fathers.

Mary ?

Mary, I thought you were at your mother's.

? No, I didn't go to me mother's. I'm in the cupboard.

What are you doing in there ?

Oh, it's because of this Beast of Craggy Island.

I thought Mary would be safer in there.

? I'm better off here. What can I do you for, Father ?

Well,... pack of twenty Carrolls.

? Certainly, Father.

I'll get them. You stay in the cupboard.

John, can I have a word ?

? Is Father McGuire there ?

I am. Hello, Mary.

? Lovely day, isn't it ?

Oh, yes.

? You're looking great, anyway.

Sorry, Father, a bet's a bet.

But if she doesn't have the operation she can't fetch water for her village

Sorry. Pity you didn't wait, though.

The odds are now 20-1 on account of Chris' nervous troubles.

Anyway, your cigarettes.

Thanks.

They don't have the sound effects album. We might as well just go.

? Bye, Fathers.

Bye.

Bye.

? I hope you're satisfied.

Ah, shut up !

Look, there's Giant Reid.

Hello, Giant !

Oh...

Ted, you should see the big serious look on your face.

I can't see Chris winning.

Ted, it's pointless even thinking about it. There's nothing we can do.

We just have to accept the fact, and that's that.

How about we bring Chris here ? The change may do him good.

Ohhh, wow ! Brilliant ! I knew there was something we could do !

Didn't I say it to you a second ago?

No, you didn't. You said the opposite - there was nothing we could do.

Ted, you've done this before. So...

..I took the liberty of taping the conversation.

Now, we'll just have a listen.

"Ted, it's pointless even thinking about it. There's nothing we can do"

"We just have to accept the fact, and that's that."

I stand corrected.

BLEAT

Ahh,... there he is now, anyway.

DEEP BELCH

I'm not sure about this, Father.

Fargo, he'll soon be a new sheep.

If not, we'll make him into a few chops ! Ha ha ha !

I'm terribly sorry, that was just tasteless.

I'll be off, then.

OK. And, seriously, if there's one place he can be sure of peace and...

< CRASHES AND BANGS Feck ! Feck ! Feck !

Feck ! Feck ! Feck ! Feck ! Fecckk !

It'd be an insult to you if I finished that sentence.

You're up early, Father.

Ah, yes. We're off to try and get Chris into shape.

D'ye think would our new guest like a cup of tea, Father ?

The little sheep fellow !

I don't think they drink tea. Not unless you have special sheep tea

Yes.

What ?

I have some sheep tea in the kitchen

Oh. Right, well, erm,...

..give him some of that, then.

OK, so.

God, it's nearly midday. Do we have to get up this early ?

Has to be done. We've got to get Chris from looking like this...

..to looking like this.

# M PEOPLE: "Search For The Hero"

# You've got to search for the hero inside yourself

# Search for the secrets you hide

# Search for the hero inside yourself

# Until you find the key to your life

# Search for the hero inside yourself

# Search for the secrets you hide... #

Ah ! Hello, Father. Did ye... ? Is he... ?

I'm sorry. We tried everything.

Ah, well.

I suppose I... I-I... I'd better take him home.

A-haa !

Ha !

Ha-haaa ! Gotcha !

What did you do ?!

Just did my best.

I don't know what to say. Father, can I buy you a drink to celebrate ?

Oh, all right. Dougal, you mind Chris

Keep an eye on him. And keep that front door closed.

OK, Ted.

(SLURRING) He's the best... feckin' sheep ever !

His little sheep face...

Ye have to say - great sense o' humour !

Really ? Great.

There's a clause where I have to pay more if his image is used on stamps.

But still, a great bargain for such a happy sheep.

(SIGHS)

(LAUGHS LOUDLY)

Is that Hud Hastings ?

Yeah...

Is he... wearing a crown ?

(LAUGHS)

Yes.

Haa... Haa yaa yaa !

Habba... ! Yabba !

Very good, yes. Yes, goodbye.

Dougal, I notice that the front door is wide open.

Oh, it is, yes, Ted.

And I see that we are currently sheepless.

Oh. AAAHHHH !

I told you to keep the door closed !

Now, just hold it there, Ted.

"Keep an eye on him..."

HOWLING

What's that ?

The Beast !

Come on !

How do we know which way to go ?

Wool-bearing animals instinctively go north, where it's not so stuffy.

So we have to go north.

< Which way is north ?

I-I don't know.

HOWLING

Quick !

It's coming from all around us.

The Sioux Indians used to be able to pinpoint buffalo..

by putting their ears to the ground.

Ted, maybe the sound is coming from that stereo.

"HOWLING"

TURNS VOLUME DOWN

LOUD BURP

Ted, it's Chris !

Is he all right ?

He's fine ! He must've realised it was a stereo hanging from a tree!

Let's bring him home, Dougal.

I'm beginning to figure out what's been going on.

GENTLE STRING MUSIC AND CONVERSATION

Well, it's been an easy decision.

There's one out-and-out winner,...

..and rather than waste time with a speech, I'll get on with the job..

..of announcing the winner, who has come first in this competition...

..to see who the winner is in the King of the Sheep competition

..that we have come to today, wondering who indeed will it be...

..who wins the prize of King of the Sheep.

The winner of this year's King of the Sheep competition is...

STOP !

SHOCKED GASPS

What is the meaning of this ?

This competition is a sham and a fraud,...

..and a s-sham !

SHOCKED GASPS

What ? How dare you ?!

There's been a deliberate attempt to sabotage this sheep competition.

Those responsible are in this very room.

Giant Reid and Hud Hastings !

CRIES OF SHOCK

< Fuckin' 'ell !

You'd better have something to back that up with !

Oh, I do. I do.

You were the ones who constantly chatted of the "Beast",...

..so that Chris the sheep could hear.

Fargo, how's the champ ?

You used BBC sound effects volume 5 to add weight to those claims.

Impressionable sheep would be easily convinced by "Terrible Monster, Type A".

Is this true ?!

Well, well, well !

What a pretty picture Father Crilly has painted !

HOW DARE YOU BRING SHAME ON THIS... CELEBRATION OF SHEEP ?!

Don't be too hard on them... What's your name ?

Alan.

Don't be too hard on them, Alan.

The real villain has yet to be revealed.

FARGO BOYLE !

What ?!

CRIES OF SHOCK

< Fuckin' 'ell !

That's nonsense ! I'll just take my trophy !

It was you who planned to manipulate Chris' odds...

..by sabotaging your own sheep and then staging a miraculous recovery !

You who paid them to talk about the Beast in front of Chris.

Ahh, Hud, Giant. Hello.

But you didn't count on their vanity, who used their new-found wealth...

..to buy a fur coat !

'And a crown !'

It was you who bought the BBC sound effects record !

You who gave the sheep to me, knowing that as a priest,...

..I could nurse him back to health.

It was you, Fargo. You. You.

YOU !

Chris !

Chris, it's not true ! NO, NO, DON'T LOOK AT ME !

Should I call the police, Father ?

No. He's lost the trust of his sheep.

That's punishment enough for a farmer who deals...

..with sheep.

If you'll excuse me, there's a bit of a stench in here. I need some air.

Ted, if Chris has been disqualified,

..haven't you lost the heating allowance money ?

I know it's radical, Dougal, but it is very cold.

See ye in three months, then, Ted.

Intelfax subtitles TIM BAYLISS

Better go to the toilet first.