Original subtitles

# La, la, la, la... >

I see you put up the old cross. What's that all about?

People might be confused about where the parochial house is, so I put a big cross up.

I just hope they know it means I'm a priest and not some madman!

Some madman's put up a cross.

Lovely.

Ted, I'm off rollerblading.

All right, Dougal.

PHONE

Craggy Island parochial house. Father Ted Crilly.

Hello, Ted. Dick Byrne here.

Oh.

I thought I'd call and wish you all the best for Lent.

What? Oh, yeah, Lent.

What are you giving up? Being the biggest eejit in the priesthood?

Seriously, Ted, if we could just put joking aside for a minute.

We've had our disagreements, but at the end of the day we are brothers in Christ.

We decided we'd make a special effort this year.

I've given up cigarettes, Father Johnson's given up drink and Father McDuff's given up skateboarding.

I must say, the atmosphere of serenity and devotion to Our Lord is very, very special indeed.

Right.

So will you make a similar effort?

Will you go the extra mile, Ted?

I suppose you're right, Dick, we should make a special effort.

It'll be worth it, Ted.

God bless you.

Goodbye, Dick, and...

..Going to...God bless you, Dick.

(LAUGHTER ECHOES)

So I'm giving up the fags.

Father Jack, if you could give the old drink a miss.

And no rollerblading till Easter.

Easter's miles away!

It's meant to be a sacrifice.

Don't forget why we're doing this.

I know, the sacrifice Our Lord...

It's much more important than that.

I'm not going to be beaten by Father Dick Byrne in a giving-things-up competition.

We've got to show him what we can do, especially after that Scrabble fiasco

You've never told us what happened there, Ted.

I don't know how he did it...

..but he got all his words to say "USELESS PRIEST CAN'T SAY MASS".

So no more fags, rollerblading or booze until Easter. Understood?

All right.

Who wants their afternoon drink?

Drink? Yes!

No.

No?!

It's Lent - you said you'd give it up for a few days.

Remember, you said you'd offer it up for Our Lord?

Arnold? Who's Arnold?

No, "Our Lord".

Well, I made your vow for you, but I know deep down you'd like to make a little sacrifice

Sacrifice? Arse!

It's a special time of year for us.

DRINK! DRINK!

I've put them somewhere very safe.

Where?

Don't sulk, Father.

Here we go, no more fags for me until Easter.

Great. No problem there at all.

God almighty, I don't even miss them at all. This is easy!

I'm not even thinking about smoking, not even thinking about it. Ha!

It's beginning to kick in, Ted.

Yeah, me too.

God, I don't like this at all.

But maybe we should stick with it.

And don't forget Dick Byrne... >

..blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah...

Don't you think so, Ted?

Hmm? Oh, I certainly do, Dougal.

Are you all right there, Father?

..blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah...

Father?

Is he all right?

I think he's just "circling the airport".

DOORBELL

I'll get it. Are you okay there?

Don't make a show of yourself. "Oh, Father. You're so great."

You make me sick!

You're feckin' worse.

"You're brilliant, you should be Pope, Father." Doesn't impress him.

God, you're an awesome divot!

Ah, Father.

Hello, John. Hello, Mary.

Father, you look wonderful. Is that a new outfit?

We thought you'd like some Easter eggs from the shop.

That's terribly nice of you.

It comes to eight pounds.

We're going on holidays, and we're not sure when we'll be back.

Yes, we're going to Rome.

We're so looking forward to it!

We might see "your friend".

Who's that? Sophia Loren?

No, Father, the Pope.

He's no friend of mine!

Actually, that might've sounded a little disrespectful. Sorry.

Ah, no problem, Father.

(SCREAMS)

(SNORES LIKE A PIG)

(STAPLES)

CLUNK

You'd think we could go one day without giving in to temptation!

Hello? Hello?

God, to think of Matty Hislop's sacrifices.

Who?

He was a notorious drunkard who found God and decided to punish himself for his sins.

Like, he was allergic to cats, so he'd carry a kitten in his pocket and sniff it from time to time.

His head inflated like a balloon.

Fair play to him.

Could you not knock the rollerblading on the head for a while?

The old bike used to be enough, and the buzz of going to the shops.

But after a while it wasn't enough, I kept going for bigger and bigger thrills.

But I can handle it, Ted, I can quit any time I want.

You tried to quit yesterday, and you couldn't.

I admit it, I have a problem!

Come on, now, Dougal. No need for that, not now we're getting outside help, anyway.

"AVE MARIA" OVER PHONE

Why do nuns have such awful music when you're on hold? If I hear Ave Maria one more time...!

EXCUSE ME!

# Ave Maria...

"Excuse me."

Yes?

"How much longer am I going to be on hold?"

She'll with you in a second, Father.

< # Ave Maria...

Hello? Sister Mary Gondola. How can I help you?

Hello. My name is Father Ted Crilly.

Could you send somebody out? We've a small problem keeping our Lenten vows

What do you wish to give up?

Well, cigarettes, alcohol... and rollerblading.

On special offer this month we have the Lenten Package.

That'll do fine, thanks.

How do you wish to pay? We accept all major credit cards.

BLEEPING

Can you hold, please, Father?

# Ave Maria...

(CHOKING NOISES)

I'll have to ring you back.

What's up with him, Ted?

It looks like the last of the alcohol has left his system - he might actually be sober.

Is that it, Father? Are you seeing things as they really are at last?

OH, MY GOD!

Yes, that's it all right.

I suppose sobriety for him must be like some mad hallucinogenic.

Where are the other two?

The other two? Ah, I see, the old vision's back to normal.

No, there's just the two of us.

What do you two do, then?

We're priests.

What? Priests?

Don't tell me I'm still on that feckin' island!

Well, yes, Father.

It must be great to be sober every once in a while...

..or even every twelve years.

Chair.

Well done, Father.

Curtains.

Yes, that's right!

Floor.

All coming back to you, is it, Father?

Gobshite.

Yes, I remember. I remember!

I'm off on my Lenten pilgrimage now, Fathers.

Ah, off to St Patrick's Hill.

What's that, Ted?

It's a big mountain. You have to take your socks off to go up it.

Then they chase you back down with a big plank. It's great fun.

I don't want it to be fun at all. I want a good, miserable time - keep me on the straight and narrow.

I met a couple there last year, and it did them the world of good.

They were a bit obsessed with the old S-E-X.

I'm glad I never think of that type of thing, that whole sexual world.

God, isn't it a dirty, filthy thing, Father?

Can you imagine looking up at your husband, and him standing over you with his lad in his hand...

..wanting you to degrade yourself?

Can you imagine that, Father?

Can you picture it there, Father?

Oh, get a good mental picture.

Can you see him there, ready to do the business?

DOORBELL

DOORBELL! Doorbell, Mrs Doyle.

Hey, you there!

What the hell is this?

That's a spoon, Father.

Might as well go and meet her. Ah, Sister Assumpta!

Dougal, do you remember Sister Assumpta?

Ah, no.

Last year we stayed with her in the convent back in Kildare.

Do you remember it? Ah, you do!

You were hit by the car when you went to the shops for the paper.

Weren't you accidentally arrested for shoplifting?

We had to go to the police station to get you. And the police station went on fire.

And you had to be rescued by helicopter.

Do you remember? You can't remember any of that?

When you fell out of the helicopter, over the zoo. Remember? The tigers!

You don't remember? >

You were wearing your blue jumper.

Ah, Sister Assumpta! Hello, there.

I had no idea you were with the Matty Hislop crowd, Sister.

Since I read his pamphlets, abstinence is my keeper and reward.

I'm afraid the rollerblading is my own particular vice.

We'll do our best.

I'm looking forward to it.

I sort of am myself. Do us good to exercise the old willpower.

Are you looking forward to it, Father Jack? You remember Father Jack?

Oh...yes.

Nan!

No, it's "nun".

Nun! Argh!

GLASS SMASHES

Bye, Father.

He's just gone for his walk.

KLAXON

Good morning, Fathers, breakfast in five minutes.

God almighty, what was that thing?

Is there a fire?

I suppose it's just time to get up.

It's 5am. Look, Dougal, 5am!

God, I've never seen a clock at 5am before.

She's obviously made a mistake, let's just go back to bed.

Fair enough, Ted.

What are you doing?

I'm just writing a note to tell her we don't usually get up till later.

KLAXON

I don't know. A bit of breakfast and I suppose we'll be fine.

God, I hope so, Ted.

Sister, we are only down for the booze, fags and rollerblading deal. Getting up early is great, but...

This is water.

That's right, Father.

Ah, having a bit of a laugh with the big thickos from the island.

Where's our real breakfast?

Ted, I'd love a Pop-Tart.

Father Dougal likes his Pop-Tarts first thing in the morning.

Pop-Tarts have no place in Our Lord's plan for the world.

Maybe he doesn't take a personal interest, but I'm sure he delegates it to someone important.

And what about Frosties?

Again, maybe not his idea, but he'd have given them the green light.

Take Sugar Puffs or Lucky Charms...

FATHERS, COULD YOU PLEASE...

Could you stop that conversation?

Just finish your breakfast and come outside for your daily punishment.

Fair enough so... Daily what?

Daily what did you say there?

Matty Hislop's ten-step programme to ridding yourself of pride...

..the greatest obstacle to inner fulfilment.

Oh. That sounds...great.

Now, how are we two doing?

F...fine thanks. >

More ice?

No, actually. Very refreshing, the old ice.

Soon we can begin the ten steps.

This isn't the first one? There's still ten to go?

Of course. This is just to cleanse you, a preparation.

For what?

ARE WE GOING INTO SPACE?

I CAN'T FEEL MY LEGS!

God, still ten to go.

Hopefully, just a bit of an old pray.

SHOTS

God, I'm looking forward to this.

? AARGH!

Ted, guess what she's replaced my mattress with?

That's it. She's obviously insane. We've got to get out of here.

Where will we go?

We know loads of people.

What about Mawengwe? His parents are away for the weekend, and he's got satellite.

Dougal, he lives in Addis Ababa.

What about Dick Byrne, then?

No, I'm not ringing Dick Byrne.

I know - Father Larry Duff will put us up for a while.

PHONE RINGS

Wait, he said not to call tonight - he's got a big important thing on.

It'll have to be Dick Byrne.

I'll leave a note saying we've gone to a funeral.

Or an autopsy. Why not say we had to go to an autopsy? It's more exciting

No. A funeral is more believable.

Oh. Right.

We've got to do this quietly - don't panic or make a noise.

If we take it easy we won't wake her.

CLICK

What was that?

< RUN!

THEY FALL DOWN STAIRS

DOOR SLAMS

CAR SPEEDS OFF

< Quiet in there!

Come on, Fathers, we're to get an early start or we'll miss the rain.

Right!

God, what a dump.

They're probably asleep. I'll just knock gently on the door.

So as you won't wake them up?

No, I'll have to wake them up so they can let us in.

Then shouldn't you knock loudly?

Right. Good point, Dougal.

Ted, maybe they're not home.

No, I definitely heard something.

I should've known. You can't trust Dick Byrne - as priests go he's a bad priest.

And we've still got 38 days of Lent to go.

Tsch. I know!

This isn't what it looks like.

Well, this certainly puts a different spin on things.

You won't tell anyone, will you?

I just couldn't help it, they were so...chocolate-y.

Please don't tell the other nuns that I gave in to temptation.

She's been eating chocolate!

Please, Father.

You must be so disappointed in me. If there's any way I can make it up.

Well...here's a mad idea.

Hello, Sister. How can I help you?

I'm back, Fathers.

Oh, my God!