Original subtitles

..so he's seeing the sister while his wife's in hospital.

Wow !

So he makes the babysitter pregnant !

He can't choose between the wife, the sister, or the babysitter !

When's his next confession ?

Tuesday. I'll keep you posted.

I'm really looking forward to this.

Me too, Ted. It shouldn't be just work, work, work, should it ?

People aren't going to join some cult just because we go for a picnic.

Those cults ! Everyone dressing in black saying our Lord's going to come back and judge us all.

No, Dougal, that's us. That's Catholicism.

Right.

Here's the sandwiches for the picnic

The rest are in the kitchen.

Great !

I hope you enjoy them, Father.

I love a sandwich from time to time.

As long as it isn't egg, Mrs Doyle.

I wouldn't eat an egg sandwich if you paid me.

They're horrible, stinking things.

Do you remember me saying I wanted anything but egg ?

They're egg, aren't they, Mrs Doyle ?

Yes.

Great (!)

I'll eat them, Mrs Doyle. I love egg

I like egg so much I think I'll turn into a giant egg.

I think that process has begun.

Sorry, Ted ?

No, nothing. So, ready ?

Ready as I'll ever be.

I've never looked forward to anything as much as this picnic.

Right.

Oh, wait, Ted. I've just remembered, I can't go.

DOORBELL

How are ya ? Is Dougal in ?

Hello, Father.

Hello, Sergeant.

Just doing the rounds.

After some crazed murderer, no doubt.

What was that ?

Sorry ?

Something about a crazed murderer.

I was only joking.

Oh. But if you ever hear of a crazed murderer on the loose, report it.

Right.

It's very quiet here, not much crime

So if you hear of anything.

A car wrongly parked - anything.

Tax up to date on that car ?

It is, yes.

Thought it might.

Bye, Sergeant.

Who was that young priest, Father ?

Oh, I don't know.

So, Father McGuire isn't going on the picnic, then ?

No, but I'm meeting Larry Duff and the lads from St Callum's.

I'll give them a call.

All egg, yeah ?

Yes.

MOBILE PHONE

Hello ? Hallo, Ted.

Hello, Larry. How are you ?

Oh, grand. Bit of a problem, though.

Mightn't be able to make the picnic.

Ah, God, Larry. Why ?

You know Father Williams who was driving us over ?

They found a big box of machine guns in his house.

I wouldn't have thought he'd be into that type of thing.

Well, you think you know someone.

Anyway, there you go. Bye.

Well, just myself, I suppose.

DRINK !

It's not drink, Father. It's just fizzy water.

JACOB'S CREEK CHARDONNAY, 1991 !

You can tell that from the sound ?

Drink ! Drink ! Drink !

I was thinking of going on a little picnic, on my own. Outside.

You wouldn't like it, Father. You'd be much happier here. >

Do you want one ?

No, thanks, Father Lennon.

What time's your tea ready ?

Frosty has it about six.

Who ?

Frosty - Father Frost.

Oh, wow - Frosty ! Brilliant !

What do you call your fella ?

Who, Ted ?

Just "Ted".

But it's the way I say it, y'know ?

He's an eejit, isn't he ?

Yeah.

Which do you prefer - Oasis or Blur ?

Blur.

WHAT ?

I mean Oasis !

Father Damien ! Your tea is ready !

I'LL BE THERE IN A MINUTE !

Great. Here we go.

What the fup are you doin' here ? >

This is my fuppin' spot ! Get the fup off !

Tell him, Frank.

Could you not go over there ?

No fuppin' way !

F-U-P O-F-F !

We come here every fuppin' Sunday !

This is Saturday.

Hit 'im, Frank! I'll hit 'im for ya!

SHE FUPPIN' WOULD, TOO !

SO WOULD I, YOU FUPPIN' BAXTERED !

Why are you talking like that ?

FUP OFF, YOU GRASSHOLE !

I don't see...

THAT'S IT ! I'M CALLIN' THE FUPPIN' MAN !

HEY ! HEY !

(BLOWS WHISTLE)

"What's the problem there ?"

THIS BAXTERED PRIEST IS IN OUR SPOT!

We were just....

"Put the fork down."

What ? Oh, I wasn't going to...

"Put the fork down."

"Put your hands very slowly to your sides. Slowly !"

"All right. I'm going to put the megaphone down, now."

Now, I'm going to reach inside my pocket, all right ?

Nice and slow.

Everything's fine.

Cigarette ?

To be honest, I'm just going home.

Fup off, you pedrophile !

Oi ! Come on !

Nothing to see here. Back to the picnic ! (BLOWS WHISTLE)

You wouldn't believe the day I had. I met the rudest couple.

Benson was blowing his bloody whistle - someone should take it off him !

Anyway, where did you go off to ?

I went off with Father Damo Lennon.

He's with Frosty.

Who ?

Father Frost.

Oh, yes. Father Frost.

He said they might come over.

Father Damo's great.

Why are you walking like that ?

Like what, Ted ?

Like a crab.

Sorry, Ted.

Dougal, what's that ?

What ? This ? Nothing.

Dougal, it's an earring !

Oh, right. It is all right, yeah.

Dougal, you can't wear an earring !

All the young priests have them. Father Damo has one.

I see. Did Father Damo give you the idea ?

Yeah. He's great.

What next ? Crack cocaine ?

Crack cocaine ? Come on, Ted.

You'll have to take it out.

You don't know what's goin' on.

I was young once. God, the things we got up to in the seminary.

Once we mitched off to see a Dana concert !

Dana !

You have to be mad to listen to her.

Father Bigley listens to Dana, and he's not mad.

Why's he in that home, then ?

He's there... because of those fires. But that has nothing to do with Dana.

Now take that earring out.

I should be able to do what I like. I'm nearly 26.

You still treat me like I was 24.

I'll treat you like a 26-year-old when you start acting like one.

Anyway, it's time for your bath.

OH, NO !

Hello, Father !

Hello, Father !

Hello !

How are things ?

Fine !

Good !

Well, I'll see you later.

Go ! Go ! Go !

YOU BASTARD !

SLAG !

Hello, Mary.

Hello, Father.

Hello, Father.

Hello, John.

Mary was just washing my hair.

She has such lovely soft hands.

I was looking for some firelighters.

I'll get them.

I didn't know Sergeant Hodgins had a helicopter.

Yes. He had to get one because of this whistle thing.

Whistle ?

Look.

< Isn't it terrible, Father ?

Who'd have thought that law and order would break down on Craggy Island ?

< God help us all, Father !

Yes, but if it's only a whistle...

I had to buy myself a shotgun and everything.

I wouldn't hesitate to use that now.

If that man tried to steal any of the whistles I have in here,...

..I'd blow his flicking head off ! Ha ha ha !

I have it cocked an' all, so I can get the jump on him !

Isn't it dangerous to have it cocked?

Not at all.

So long as you don't drop it or something.

There y'are. If they don't work, we'll give you a refund.

Okay, so. Thanks very much.

You fekking eejit ! Give me that !

Father, did you hear about the whistle ?

What next ? Somebody'll be murdered, and then what ? Drive-by shootings.

It'll be like "Boyz N The Hood".

There'll be whores on the street,...

..and pimps using crack to keep the whores under control.

GUNSHOT I'm locking myself in the basement till they catch that fella.

Bye.

They really are making too big a deal of this.

Look - a special pull-out supplement on whistles.

I don't know.

Dougal, aren't you going to introduce me to your friend ?

Oh, this is Father Damo.

How are ya ?

Hello, Father. Playing the old computer game there ?

PHONE

Hello ? Father Ted Crilly speaking.

Ah ! Father Frost. Yes, I'll tell him.

Father Damien. Father Frost says you're to go home. Your tea's ready.

I'm not going. I'm having dinner here.

Oh, are you (?)

Hello, Father ? He's staying here for dinner.

Father Frost said you're to go home now.

Did you tell him I'm having dinner here ?

Yes.

Then tell him to flick off, then.

He's happy enough here for the moment, Father.

Okay.

Father Frost said if you don't go home now he'll come and get you.

Fine. I don't care what he does.

He's not the boss of me.

Right.

All right, all right ! Tell him I'm going !

See you, Dougal.

Dougal, mind this for me.

Right.

I'll get them later. Frosty hates me smoking.

You're prayin', yeah ?

No, no. They're... they're Ted's.

See you, right ?

See you.

DOUGAL ! >

Oh, God ! What does he want now ?

(MUTTERS) Consonant, please, Carol.

Vowel... Another consonant...

Vowel... Consonant...

Richard, where are you going ?

Dougal, I am not Richard Whiteley.

Go back to sleep. You're dreaming.

Put your clothes back on, Carol, I can't concentrate.

Tea, Father ?

God Almighty ! What are you doing up?

I always stay up, Father, in case one of you needs a cup of tea.

How long have you been doing this ?

About three years now.

But we never get up at night.

You're up now, Father. Unless I'm hallucinating from lack of sleep !

That's happened before all right.

I'm just getting my jacket to go for a little walk.

Right so.

(SIGHS)

Dougal ?

Oh, no !

Dougal, is there anything on your mind ?

Let me rephrase that.

Is there anything you want to tell me about ?

Like what, Ted ?

Have you done anything you might be embarrassed about ?

Anything wrong ?

Wrong ?

Yes, Dougal. You remember right and wrong.

Page one of "How To Be A Catholic".

Honestly, Dougal, this is very basic stuff. >

What is wrong ? Give an example.

Just give me a second, Ted.

Arson, there's one. >

Murder. >

Swearing.

Swearing, yeah.

Anything else ?

Er... Um...

Er...

Lying ?

Well done, Dougal ! Yes !

Thanks, Ted.

Are you all right ?

Fine, Ted. I just need to sit down.

Sorry about that. I pushed you a bit hard there.

No worries, Ted.

Dougal, something else that's wrong is stealing.

It's wrong to steal. Stealing is something you don't do.

Right, except you.

What ?!

You're allowed to steal.

What ?

The money from that Lourdes thing.

Different thing altogether. That money was just resting in my account.

It was resting for a long time, Ted.

Yes.

A good long rest.

Dougal, we're not talking about me !

Is there anything you want to tell me about ?

This, for example ?

Sergeant Hodgins and Mr Benson are here.

Dougal, you go and... get the shears.

Father, I'm sorry to disturb you. I thought we might talk about it.

You know about the whistle business?

Yes.

When I woke up and saw that my whistle had been stolen,...

..I went into a state of shock and lost the use of me legs - well, one.

This one - completely lost all feeling !

Look !

AAAAH !

Sweet Jesus !

The shock also affected his memory.

It's this leg that has no feeling.

Anyhow, did you hear anything ?

About what ?

About my whistle !

Did you hear anything during confession ?

No ! The confessional is sacrosanct.

I've had that whistle 40 years. It saved my grandfather's life.

Did it ?

He was being executed by the British

They had him agin a wall, and they shot him.

The bullets hit the whistle in his pocket, and bounced off.

So he survived ?

No, they just reloaded - shot him again.

Father - I don't want to say anything, but Jim saw someone.

Yes ?

He didn't see much, but he noticed something - the collar.

It was a priest who took the whistle

Oh, right. That'll be Ted.

What ?

You were talking about stealing, and you showed me the whistle.

No, Dougal.

It is, Ted. Try your top pocket.

I bet it's in there - in fact, I'm sure it is. Give it a go.

Just a bit more to your right.

Yes, Dougal. Thank you (!)

Well, there's an obvious explanation.

Is there, Father ?

Of course there is.

What is it, Ted ?

I must leave the room, but I'll have a full explanation.

It had better be a good one.

Oh, it'll be perfectly satisfactory. Just excuse me for a minute.

AWKWARD SILENCE

So, I hear your babysitter got pregnant.

More visitors. Father Frost is here.

Gerroff !

I believe there's a Mr Benson who's had a whistle stolen.

That's me.

I have the culprit here.

What ?!

Yeah, yeah. I stole it. So what ?

It's only a bleedin' whistle.

I saw this eejit with a whistle, then I heard Mr Benson's whistle had gone.

I asked this eejit and he tried to blame Father McGuire.

It was my fault for stealing it.

But you didn't steal it, Father.

Oh, right.

He hid it in a packet of cigarettes.

That must be how we got it ! Father Damo gave me the cigarettes to mind.

I have a full explanation !

Father Damien, Father Frost - I was about to tell them why I stole the whistle.

I've been dying to get it off my chest.

Ted !

Sssh ! 15 years ago, I met an orphan.

His parents had been killed in a bizarre accident involving trees -...

..a tree fell on them. They were both crushed.

He had nothing - except a dream.

Ted...

That dream was to own a stable, with champion horses in every bit of it.

But he had a disease so he could only communicate by raising his eyebrows.

Once for "yes", twice for "no".

"If only I had a whistle, so I could train my horses to win," he thought.

That same boy wrote to me just five weeks ago...

Ted, Father Damien took the whistle!

Oh, great. That's that sorted out.

What's all this about the horses ?

Ah, nothing. I was just going mad.

You'll have to go - I have to say one of those masses.

When's tea ready ?

No tea for you !

Good ! I don't want any stupid tea !

Don't put too much faith in people who are "cool".

Father Lennon may have had a trendy haircut,...

..but he lacks that dignity which is part of being a priest.

(BURPS) DRINK !

There's no place for the likes of the Bishop of Galway or that fella that was living with his housekeeper...

..or that one who was sending arms to Iraq.

What's important is that we're back to normal.

You're right there, Ted.

So have you learnt anything from your experience ?

No.

Intelfax Subtitles NICK BENTLEY