Original subtitles

HELICOPTER

CRASH

LOUD SNORING

Dougal, you can't watch TV all night. It's a big waste.

Chewing gum for the eyes.

Er, no thanks, Ted.

Anyway, I've got these crisps here.

Look. A cheese and onion and a salt and vinegar...

..and I eat them in the same go.

RUSH OF WATER

That leak is getting worse.

We'll have to move himself and put that bucket under it.

Right, fair enough.

I'm a happy camper !

God ! It'll cost a fortune to fix.

Where can we get the money ? Think, Dougal.

Yes, I know. Aha !

Aha !

Are you thinking the same ?

I think so.

Yes !

But wait. I'm not sure.

What ?

I mean, it's a big step... and where will we get the guns ?

What are you talking about ?

Well, I might be thinking about something different.

That we were going to rob a bank ?

Yeah.

This isn't a Bruce Willis film.

I meant a raffle. But what about the prize?

You've got me there.

I think the diocese allows us a raffle prize every few years.

It's stopped, Ted !

We have to move him. Where's the thing to wake him up ?

There it is.

Father ! It's only us.

GET YOUR FECK...

Come on, we've got to move you.

DRRRINK !

Don't drink that ! NO ! It's...

FECKIN' WATER !

..and the records show the island hasn't had a raffle prize since two bags of coal in 1964.

I think we're entitled t... under the rules of the diocese...

Oh, great ! Wonderful !

Thank you, Your Grace. Yes. Thanks.

All right. Bye, Bishop Brennan.

No luck, then ?

Lots of luck. We've got a car.

That's a brilliant prize.

Not unusual. Father Finnegan got one.

You know him. The dancing priest.

Dances for peace.

Is he still going ?

He danced across America last year. New York to Los Angeles.

He was mugged once every 15 miles.

Great ! We'll have the roof fixed in no time. Did you hear that, Father ?

Cup of tea, Fathers ? >

No, thanks, Mrs Doyle.

What d'you think of her ?

Yeah, right. Sure you won't ?

It's the prize in our big raffle.

Just the drop ?

You go on inside.

Right. I'll put the kettle on again.

Oh, God, Ted. Look. There's a dent in the car.

What ?

Where ?

There.

How did that happen ?

When you hit that biker ?

Don't mention that. He was OK. I saw him get up.

Not too bad. Sure, we can fix it with a hammer. Have a look in that box.

Whoops ! Didn't mean to do that. I'll just tap it the other way.

You'll never get it exactly right.

I thought I had it there, you know.

Like an eejit, I had to keep going.

You're a perfectionist, Ted. It's not too bad.

Let's have another look.

No. We can't give that as a prize.

Sleep on it. See how you feel in the morning.

Maybe you're right.

? (SCREAMS) JESUS ! WE'RE DEAD !

OH, GOD ALMIGHTY ! (PANTS HYSTERICALLY)

Calm down, now ! Come on !

It'll look better in the morning.

You don't understand ! We're dead ! The Bishop will kill us. We're dead !

Thanks. I probably needed that.

But don't ever do it again.

So, what are we gonna do ?

We could run away.

No. They always find us.

Oh, right.

What about that fella with a car - the dancing priest ?

Finnegan ! It's the same type of car.

Could we get him to give it to us ?

Maybe... we could just get a lend of it.

But when somebody wins it, they won't want to give it back.

Now, Dougal, this will sound very, very immoral, but...

..stay with me.

What if... what if... we organised the raffle so that we won it ?

Then we could bring the car back.

Oooh.

Oooh. That'd be terribly wrong. We shouldn't do that.

It's not really cheating. We just structure it in such a way...

..that the benefactors gain, rather than the beneficiaries.

Listen. If the Bishop finds out we wrecked the car,...

..he will kill us. And murder is a terrible sin, Dougal.

So, by committing a little sin,...

..we'll be saving a bishop's soul !

Fair enough, then.

< ATCHOO !

We're off to see the dancing priest.

CROWS CAW

FECKING FEATHERED EEJITS !

Right. Off we go.

Look, it's the same colour ! You mind Jack. I won't be long.

Ted,...

SIXTIES BEAT MUSIC

Liam.

Ted ! Come in. Will you join me ?

Me, dance ? I'm not much of a dancer.

Prayer isn't the only way to praise God. Keeps you fit, too.

All right, then.

You were wanting a loan of the car ?

It'd be a great favour.

Not at all. Just take care of it.

Don't give it away in a raffle or something.

Somebody said they saw you in a TV documentary. In Belfast ?

Not me. A younger fella ripped off the idea. I don't talk about him.

I'd better be going. Thanks again.

No problem. Bye, Ted.

Bingo !

No luck, then ?

You'll leave a mark on the window.

Are we there yet ?

We won't be there for a while.

Everything's fine. Father Ted saves the day again.

How are we doing, Father ?

ATCHOO !

TYRES SCREECH

What were you drinking ? It's like acid. Try this. This'll clear you up.

Aren't cars great, Ted ?

Maybe you should have a rest. It's a long drive. You have a sleep.

All right, Ted.

(RADIO) "This is Laszlo St Pierre's night shift, with you till three."

"Cock-a-doodle-doo ! This is the John Morgan Morning Show."

"It's a beautiful day, so let's start with some Motown magic."

MOTOWN MUSIC ON RADIO

God ! Almost drifted off there.

We're nearly home.

Right. Let's go through it again.

I fill the hat with tickets, all with the same number. Say, eleven.

Eleven - two ones. That's easy.

Then, when I do the draw, we'll make sure you have that number.

So we won't have to cheat at all !

That's actually how we're cheating.

OK. So, let me get this straight. You'll be wearing the hat.

No, I won't wear any hat. The tickets will be in the hat.

Gotcha. But you'll put on the hat to give me the signal.

I won't give you any signals.

I'll just draw a ticket and you'll collect the prize.

A prize ? What is it ?

THE CAR !

Right.

Here's the sandwiches for tonight.

Oh, no. I forgot to do my test.

What test is that ?

I select a sandwich at random,...

..and if it's not up to standard, I put the lot of them in the bin.

They're fine.

So, are we all sorted ?

Raring to go. Who's doing the disco?

Father Billy O'Dwyer.

"The Spinmaster". Great.

I can't wait. I bet I sell a load of tickets.

I bet I sell more than you do.

This is a bit like "The Sting".

I'm Robert Redford and you're Paul Newman.

? (AMPLIFIED VOICE) Testing, one two, one two.

Ground control to "The Spinmaster".

Ted, how are you ?

God, it's like NASA. How do you keep track ?

Sure, it's simple.

Here are two turntables, controlled from the mixing desk, here.

This switch means you can flip between records.

I can't wait. What records have you got ?

Records ?

The Bee Gees ? Get them all jumpin' !

Oh, God.

What ?

I forgot the records.

What ? Have you not got any ?

Wait a second. I might have one. (I think I have one in the car.)

Cup of tea, Father ?

Would you buy my first raffle ticket?

I'd love to. I haven't done this in donkey's years...

..and I think I've a big chance.

(SNIGGERS)

Shut up, Dougal. How many ?

Just the one.

All right.

My lucky number never lets me down.

Which one is that ?

Eleven.

What ?

It's always been lucky for me.

We're out of elevens.

I thought I was your first customer.

Yes, but this came without elevens.

Look, I'll give you a ten and a one. Have them both for 50p.

No, Father. I'll have my money back.

But it's for charity. For the roof.

Sorry, Father.

Incredible. Now where's Jack ?

With Father Purcell.

I'll rescue him. He'll go mad.

They're just having a chat.

But Purcell's so boring !

In Nigeria, the people got so fed up with him, they escaped in a boat.

It sank and alligators ate them.

I'd better go.

Then, a few weeks later, I'll never forget it, we got a new boiler,...

Are you all right ?

HELP ME !

I was just telling Father Jack about the thing there. How did you..

I don't....

..because they have no morals and no respect for human life.

But what they do have - no one can deny this now - is the finest collection of boilers in the world,

..and I include Canada in that...

I just need Jack for a while...

THANK CHRIST !

Father !

I remember when I first saw that boiler. Beautiful !

Would you like a ticket ?

Did you get them specially ? Because they're in the shop -

..any number you like, now. Er... one, seven,...

..twenty,... a hundred and twelve...

A hundred and twelve !

All the way up to... 409, I think.

And if you want more, they send them back, in an envelope...

..normal kind of thing, rectangular, four corners...

And that's how I like them. No round envelopes for me ! No way, hose !

< Sid Vicious, what a name now... He had trouble with the drugs...

(CHUCKLES) Yessss !

Tickets for the raffle, anybody ? Come over here.

Thank you.

Sorry, folks. Trouble with the disco.

Luckily, I've got a few old pals to do some numbers.

Please welcome Father Tiernan, Father Rafter, Father Cafferty and Father Leonard !

APPLAUSE

SYNTHESISED EURO-POP MUSIC

Billy, where have you been ?

Oh, Ted... Found the record !

All right. Buy a ticket ? 50p each or four for a pound.

Gambling, Ted. Ruined my father and my grandfather.

Died without a penny to their name.

Won't happen to me, though.

It's for charity - not real gambling.

All right.

Great. How many will you take ?

2,000.

2,000 ?

I'll do you a cheque.

No, that's too much.

I can handle it ! I've friends who lend me cash now and then.

No ! Don't throw away that much money...

Ted ! I need another ticket book.

How can you have sold out already ?

Don't ask me. I can hardly keep a straight face.

What was it, Billy ? Two thousand ?

Need more drink !

Car !

# THE SPECIALS: "Ghost Town"

MUSIC STOPS

OK, let's go. You know what to do ?

Thunderbirds are go, Ted.

OK, come on.

Thank you, Father Billy. Now the important stuff. The raffle.

I went to an interesting raffle once. The people running it actually won !

So it's not unusual for that to happen, now and again. Right ?

< OK. The winning number is...

..number eleven !

Number eleven.

Number eleven. Will anyone who has that number come up on stage ?

Father McGuire ? You have the number?

What ?

Well done. A round of applause for our very own Father Dougal McGuire !

(God Almighty ! What are you doing ?)

Sorry, Ted. I was looking at it upside down.

Congratulations to Father Dougal.

What a fantastic evening. We raised enough to fix the roof and had a great time.

So let me thank you for coming along. Please stand for our national anthem.

# "GHOST TOWN" PLAYS AGAIN

For God's sake, I'll have the money next week. Please, just one more chance.

Thanks very much, Mrs Doyle.

Have some pity ! I'm a priest !

They have you every way...

I... I was in the AA, you know, for a while and... and...

..the insurance was very expensive.

Oh, right.

I... I had to crash the car to get the money back,...

..and then witnesses said they saw me steer it towards the wall.

There was talk of me going to jail, you know... Ah, it's yourself.

What can I do for you, Mrs Doyle ?

Terrible news. Father Finnegan has had a heart attack.

No !

The doctors told him to cut down...

..but he just couldn't stop dancing.

That's terrible news.

Father Finnegan's had a heart attack.

No ! Are there any more Chipsticks ?

So can we keep the car ?

Dougal ! That's an awful thing to... Wait ! You're right. We can !

Father...

FECK OFF !

Where's the air freshener from ?

CAR !

Oh, God.

Oh, God. DRIVING THE CAR !

Not... the new car. Tell the truth. Have you been drinking ?

YES !

From the start. Where did you drive ?

SHOPS ! DRINK ! CORNER... STOPPED... GOT OUT... TRUCK...

A truck ?

TWO TRUCKS !

Take a look. Maybe there's something we can salvage.

It's not that bad, Ted.

Yes. I thought it'd be much worse.

Oh, bollocks !

Dougal, how is this "not that bad" ?

At least there's the raffle money for the roof.

Just give me 24 hours. Please !

DIALLING TONE

THUNDER

(TV): "So, we'll be seeing a lot more rain, at least until July,...

..or possibly until August."

God Almighty ! How dishonest - stealing raffle money from a priest !

The raffle was rigged, Ted.

It'll be all right, if a tree doesn't fall through the roof...

THUNDER & CREAKING

For a moment there, I thought...

CRASH & BREAKING GLASS

Here's some advice my father gave me

It not only refers to lagging, but all forms of insulation.

He said "Don't ever..."

No, it was "Always..." - no...

"Never..." - I forgot. Oh, well. What's your favourite humming noise?

Would it be... (HUMS THREE NOTES) or maybe... (HUMS ANOTHER THREE NOTES) ?

The first one is the sound of a fridge.

The second one is a man humming.

A woman doesn't hum. I knew a woman once,...

..but she died soon afterwards.

Now, my favourite colour is grey...

..no, blue... ..no, soft blue with grey...

..no, orange... ..that's it.

I have an extension on the house.

It's on the extension... so the house is in a circle now...