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MEMOIRS OF A MILITARY MAN

Naturally, our dear Count

has tasted human blood from every corner of the world.

English blood is his favorite, of course.

He says it has something of the Roman Empire.

A note of Viking skin. It's hard to define.

A bitter blood. And dark.

Regrettably, however,

the Count has also sampled the blood of South America.

The blood of the workers.

He doesn't recommend it.

-It's acrid, he says. With a doggy nose.

A plebeian bouquet that clings for weeks to his lips and palate.

This whole farce began centuries ago.

In France, of course.

The young Claude Pinoche lived for almost 20 years

in an old Parisian orphanage.

His parents were never known.

He later became a proud officer in the army of Louis XVI.

By night, he would drink and chase the harlots who worked in the taverns.

Until one day, Pinoche the soldier discovered his true identity.

The next morning, the prostitutes told him that,

while drunk, he had bitten one of the other whores in the neck.

I don't recall any of this. It's not true.

And even if it were, I have no memory of it.

-You're caught. -What?

-You're going to die. -Vampire!

Let it go!

Be careful!

Soon afterwards, the Revolution began against Louis XVI.

And rather than defend his king,

Pinoche deserted.

He passed himself off as a revolutionary, dressed as a peasant.

He watched the nobility be publicly guillotined.

He watched the blade fall on Marie Antoinette.

Long live freedom!

He resolved to use his powers to fight against all revolutions.

An eternal subject to his beheaded king.

His first step was to disappear from history.

He attended his own funeral.

Farewell, Claude Pinoche.

He violated the grave of another woman and stole the head.

He opened the queen's tomb.

He removed the head and replaced it with the one he had stolen.

Then he fled France with a little money and disappeared.

Years later, the vampire Pinoche resurfaced,

fighting against the revolutions in Haiti, Russia, and Algeria.

But he tired of being a simple soldier, and resolved to become a commander.

And for this, he chose a country without a king.

An insignificant corner of South America.

Second Lieutenant Augusto Pinochet Ugarte!

In 1935, he reappeared under his definitive name

in this land of fatherless peasants, Chile.

…fulfilling my vow to the military.

Conforming with the current laws and rules, I obey with all my soul.

His aim was clear. To be a king.

…and to give my all to be a brave soldier, in honor…

But his plan would be imperfect without a woman at his side.

For this, he chose a woman even more perverse

and unscrupulous than him, Lucía Hiriart.

Years later, now a general,

in 1973, he staged a coup d'état, bombing the Government House

to oust the socialist president, Salvador Allende.

Although he often looked like a pimp in the hide of a banana republic mafioso,

the truth is that this little general successfully rescued Chile

from a Bolshevik infestation.

In private, he demanded to be called "Count."

He conquered and brought prosperity to Chile, rose to absolute power,

and made himself an invincible millionaire.

For four decades, Augusto Pinochet

was the distinguished, brilliant captain general of the Republic of Chile.

When the authorities finally had him unjustly cornered

for crimes and corruption,

he decided to fake his own death again.

To do this, he stopped drinking blood for several months,

until his heart stopped beating.

Sit down now.

Hold him! Hold him!

-Sit down, will you? -Take hold of Papa.

-No! I can't let go of him… -Sit down! Quickly!

-He's fine. -What are you saying? He's not.

Will someone call an ambulance?

-Take his pulse! -I don't know how to.

Thank you so much, my general.

Heil!

NEW MARKETS NON-GLOBAL CHILE

The knife mustn't pierce the center of the chest.

-Lest it puncture the heart.

That would be ruinous.

Far better to begin by slicing the arteries of the neck…

…which has the added advantage of also severing the vocal cords,

and in so doing, of course, preventing screams.

It's said that when one samples the succulent muscle

of a still palpitating heart,

it's hard to go back to being a normal person.

It's time to sleep. To find a dark, damp spot.

A dungeon perhaps, or a sewer.

Or the body of a woman.

This meek, virginal young face

is really that of a violent, difficult woman.

She is love. She is God, yes.

But most of all she is young and delicious.

Come with me.

If this is what God asks…

Of course.

The Mother Superior promised to send her finest exorcist nun.

A lady not for turning.

…so she may carry out God's work.

A real woman.

Señora…

Show me.

This human pigswill is Fyodor Krasnov,

a whitefly of Russian descent.

And yesterday?

Same as today.

Just vegetables, as usual.

A Cossack forged from vodka and steel.

I don't understand at all.

He says he wants to die, and no more blood…

and now he's hunting?

Yes, it's strange.

He is the general's only and most loyal slave.

I don't want Augusto to die.

Whatever you need, Señora.

Well then, salute me.

Mm.

Well, get ready because my children are coming home.

-To steal from my general? -To steal from me.

Allow me.

These five siblings are all that remains of a family

that reigned in Chile for almost 20 years.

Now they are there

to discover why their father decided to go hunting for hearts in the big city.

The carnage was terrifying.

ARK

One would think an old man like Papa

would calm down with the years, but it seems not.

We don't know who's hunting for those hearts.

-We don't know that? -No, not yet.

What do you know?

The same as you.

-No one is judging you here. -I'm not judging you either.

We're too old to be this naive, frankly. Besides, we're here for a reason.

I came 'cause I was told they were giving out money.

That's what I told you to convince you to come, imbecile.

So they're not giving it out?

-Oh, come on. -What do you mean, come on?

Of course they'll share it, but just relax.

They're not going to give out money. Not one peso.

-We have to find it. -Where is that money?

Hidden in papers, documents, folders.

Did you know people are going crazy with all these murders?

I think it's completely normal.

Imagine, whole hearts being taken out.

It's weird.

I hope they find him soon.

-Who? -The murderer.

-I thought they'd already got him. -Who has?

The police have.

That they don't come looking here, is all I ask.

I think inheritance is something one should be able to enjoy now,

and not wait your whole life for.

It's not like it's your whole life…

But there are people who live far too long.

-You think? -Yes, I do.

They screwed all the women and all the men.

They crashed all the cars,

held all the parties,

and squandered all the state's money on cheap wine and imitation velvet.

They won wars and founded the country anew,

and then they were left powerless, stripped of their honor.

EXTRA CONCENTRATED AJÍ

The whole family knows the captain general is a vampire.

The only one in the family.

He has not bitten a single one of his children,

preferring that they live in accordance with natural order.

Good evening.

Good evening, General!

Who said that vampires live loveless lives?

The trouble is that love dies before the body does.

The vampire knows, tragically, that love is not eternal.

This is the young body that will make them suffer.

This white, innocent flesh

will destroy dreams and bring misery.

She knows it. Everyone knows it.

This was why she was chosen.

She was also chosen for her gift for mathematics.

Her ability to calculate unspeakable sums.

She might have been a surveyor or an engineer,

but God stole her heart.

-Or so she believed.

Hail Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners…

…now and at the hour of our death. Amen.

Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee.

Blessed art thou amongst women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.

And to what do I owe this wonderful visit?

We were worried, Papa.

Worried. Of course.

Because I have various times almost died, and various times said goodbye.

Someone has been eating hearts in Santiago, Papa. Mm.

Someone?

It could have been me.

But it doesn't make any sense.

Why would I want to keep living in a country that hates me?

They don't hate you.

No.

-They should hate me. -They are ungrateful.

That's true.

They are ungrateful. What a pain.

But it is also true I made mistakes.

Accounting mistakes.

Oh, yes?

-Well, you all know. -Know what, Papa?

No, we don't know anything.

It's a mess.

Your mother asks me every day about secret bank accounts,

hidden properties all around the world,

and I can't remember anything.

I can't remember. What can I do? I don't remember.

Although, the other day, when I was calmer, I remembered something.

And?

I have some old books down in the cellar.

And there, along with… with a lawyer and ex-minister,

we hid some papers.

I don't know, accounts, receipts, commitments.

I don't know. Things that may be worth something, have some value.

The count has decided to give his secret fortune

to his children.

This is enormously surprising.

But this wait has been eternal. I don't understand it.

I don't understand why he should want to throw away the money from our future.

Papa?

Why now, Papa?

Well, I'd forgotten I'd lost it.

But I asked you that so often.

Well, I couldn't remember,

and now I do, which is why I'm telling you.

I don't see why you all have long faces.

You should be happy.

Those papers, if they're of any value,

split them between you.

Half's for your mother and the other half for all of you.

I don't understand what he feels

for this dwarfish, hateful woman, Lucía.

A peasant decked out in furs.

All she's done her whole life is open her legs

and let a soldier fornicate with her.

And now I'm leaving. I'm tired.

I think I will die tonight.

I wish you all the best of luck. I love you very much.

I truly do love you with all my heart.

Permission to say something, my general.

Hmm?

Say it!

I love you, my general.

Uh…

I love you, Papa.

-I love you. -I love you.

-I love you. -I love you, Papi.

Lucía.

Don't make me say those things in front of the children.

I like you.

You turn me on.

You old prostitute!

Will you show me the old cannons, just before you die?

Will you make me sweat?

Just once.

I'll make you sweat like the horse of a bandit.

-Mm.

In the late 1990s,

in recognition of his long service to dirty work,

Fyodor was bitten by the count and transformed into a vampire.

He was always a ruthless murderer

who learnt his craft at the school of the Americas,

and set up the Villa Grimaldi concentration camp

during the dictatorship,

killing hundreds of revolutionaries with his own hands.

You went out to hunt for those hearts.

No, Señora.

I don't need them.

Incredible, the butler

and the lady of the house in a secret romance.

-An age-old but repulsive crime.

The documents.

Señora…

And the cash.

Excuse me.

We can only assume that Lucía knows that Fyodor

could bite her one day,

if the count continues refusing to do it, as he has for the last 60 years.

Why can't I die?

Because you don't want to die.

Of course I want to die. I've been alive for 250 years.

And we could live 250 years more.

I don't want to live 250 more years. Oh my God.

But why not?

Because I was treated like a thief.

A soldier you can call a murderer, anything, but not a thief.

I killed hundreds of Reds. Hundreds of Reds.

And they will accuse me all my life of stealing.

They… they humiliated me. They humiliated me.

But you did steal, right?

This is what we're gonna do.

You bite me…

and then we go out at night to hunt.

Just blood.

After that let's…

go to the cellar where you have all the hearts.

We eat all of the hearts, then we rejuvenate.

We go to another country,

with different names…

-Fifteen years old.

With a new army, you know?

But I don't understand why I can't… Why I'm unable to die.

You put blood in my meals.

You put blood in my food so I can keep on living.

-Huh? -No.

"President Allende, the army will not betray you!"

What?

That's what I told him.

Well? The next day I betrayed him. I betrayed him.

-The idea was mine. -Yes, but no one knows that.

That was a vengeance of mine.

I had a mission. A mission to just smash.

To smash the…

The anarchists, to smash the trade unionists,

smash the republicans, and the free slaves.

But you fell in love with me.

Sixty years we've been together.

What else do you want? You've had it all. Children, grandchildren.

And you're the queen of this desert.

Listen, what are you complaining about?

We have a glass of brandy every night, we talk, we sleep holding hands.

What else is there?

To be a beast just like you.

No, there have to be more papers.

In English.

Bank letters, bonds, vouchers, bearer bonds, things like that.

Like this?

Let me see.

And like this?

Is your friend coming?

-She's not my friend. -Who's coming?

Did you let your accountant know?

Yes, I did. He'll send an assistant as he isn't able to come.

What, now?

-That's what we agreed on. -I didn't agree to anything.

-Can we trust her? -Totally. From a military family.

-But a woman. -Yes.

Excuse me.

A young woman?

-Yes. -What does it matter?

If she knows how to read this and doesn't say anything to the press, she's perfect.

Do we have to pay her?

Of course we have to pay her, and a lot, so she doesn't want revenge.

Is this everything?

You'd have to check with my general.

But in principle, no.

Then we're rich.

Yes, of course.

-Merci. -If you please?

Thank you.

Good morning.

Hello. Finally. Papa!

What?

It's the accountant that's going to help us.

What's her name?

Carmen.

Carmencita.

I have come to count your silver coins and weigh your gold.

Discreetly, of course.

That would be wonderful, but I'm afraid there isn't much left.

I'm poor.

In that case, I will find money you didn't even know you had.

In French?

Forgive me, but... You understand my childish French?

I'm forgetting the language of my Sun King.

It is the language of treason.

And the war is never forgotten.

Possibly.

The New Testament says that God can only understand the French language.

And if I remember correctly,

it says that God listens with love to those who whisper in his ear in French.

God is in love with the beauty that he himself has envisioned.

He is a vain artist.

An artist that created woman…

to be perfect.

That's beautifully said.

Yes.

Very beautiful.

-Thank you. -Yes, of course.

Make yourself at home.

With your permission.

It would be a possession.

It's like being permanently pregnant with the enemy of our Lord.

Yes, but…

you think the devil got inside his body?

-Yeah -How?

It got in.

Sometimes the devil comes in through a wound in the skin.

It happens to soldiers in the battle, for example.

Other times, the devil enters the body… in the anus.

-When a man practices, uh… sodomy. -Watch your mouth, you.

Papa was always a patriot soldier, let me tell you that.

Of course. In his case, it must have entered through a war wound.

-Of course. Mm. -Yes, of course.

Listen, and if Papa was born this way?

And what if he is a part of a species of animal.

So an animal from hell?

Sure, like a man with no spirit. Like a dog.

Beasts live alongside us all.

Devil's creatures with no soul.

Just a black smoke in the chest region.

And beasts like that cannot be saved. They simply have to be killed.

I don't want Papa to suffer.

Honestly, the battle will be so fierce.

Satan's pathetic and melodramatic and also relentless.

If I run out of strength, he could end up killing me.

I don't really care.

-Ah. -No, just kidding.

-Darling? -Huh?

My papa, you will treat him with love.

-Violence is for the devil. -Mm-hm.

With God's love, he'll be asphyxiated.

The holy water will burn him.

And when the invader flees in humiliation, your father will be at death's door.

He will be bedridden.

If he's a survivor, it means that he has always had a soul

And if only a portion of good soul is there,

that little bit, it belongs to the Holy Spirit.

-And you will see me save it.

This printed record talks about 12 apartments.

This kind of investment provides a passive income,

and is very common in families that don't want to work.

There… There are 14.

Fourteen?

-The property records, they're not here. -What?

-But how can properties just disappear? -Please. It's a minor thing.

Twelve, fourteen, it's the same.

No, "please." It needs to be clarified.

We are talking about my money.

-Your money? -Yes, my money.

Just shut up for a bit and let her work.

Am I bothering you?

No. I'm never bothered.

Actually, I love seeing blatant envy and violence.

Because this irrationality is what allows you to betray each other.

My method is to foster confusion,

because confusion, leads to betrayal and lies.

-And so you're not bothered? -Mm-mm.

I'm bothered, I'm trying to work here, you know.

What's this operation called CEMA Chile?

The Mothers of Chile Center, it's right there.

ESTATE SUMMARY

You derived money as the Commander in Chief of the Army,

from the payment of commissions

for the sale of weapons and supplies to CEMA Chile, right?

Mama?

There are no accounting documents.

But this says the head of CEMA was the president's wife, which means you.

There were also reserved funds transferred from the attaché offices and embassies

from the Military Chiefs to CEMA Chile.

It's so good that they appeared, those papers, no?

I don't understand.

Are we discussing your inheritance here, Mama?

-I'm not dead yet, darling. -No, but you're almost there.

It's just layers, and layers upon layers of lies, Mama.

Well, those layers and layers of lies are making you a millionaire now.

Well, we need to fix this, if he's going to die.

Well, I don't know what you're squabbling about, to be honest.

Everything that comes up, I'm pass… passing on to you immediately,

like the house in the snow.

-What house? -In La Parva?

No, Aspen.

United States?

No, no. It's a refuge Papa transferred to me,

because you've never been interested in skiing.

I'd like to learn to ski.

And Papa wants to give us equal parts.

Well, but this he gave to me, just me and no one else but me.

I'm outraged by this injustice.

I've been studying your judicial case,

and after examining those filthy slanders,

can you imagine, it says that you ordered

the murder and disappearance of thousands of Chileans.

-Oh? -Yes.

There is also evidence against you regarding secret documents

and ill-gotten wealth.

That is why I've come to the conclusion

that you have other assets held in other countries.

Yes, yes. That's why I had to die.

She wanted to get hold of them.

Sure. But you didn't die when they said you died, did you?

In fact, I look at you now, and paradoxically,

you are breathing fiercely, like a bull in spring.

-Ah, yes? -Yes.

What a thing.

And could you explain in detail

the finance companies where those secret accounts are?

Of course! I had to take the money out

because my children don't know how to work,

and I didn't want them to starve to death.

Right…

-I don't want you to think I'm a thief. -No, no, no, no.

Thieves steal what belongs to others.

-You use your power to enrich yourself. -That's it.

That of course is the only way to do it.

I was a reserved general.

An intellectual.

Until a person came that convinced me

that I had to make a military coup to get rid of the government

of that Marxist-Leninist Allende.

And then, I was surrounded by gentlemen so elegant with cologne.

Until someone came, very elegant as well,

and offered me money.

I didn't know what to do.

He says, "What's more, don't worry."

"I'll even open an account for you in a Caribbean bank."

"Okay," I said. I accepted.

And a little bit later he asked for a favor.

He wanted to buy companies owned by the state at a cheap price.

I thought about it and realized that what this man was doing was blackmailing me.

And then they came in droves to talk to me.

And they offered me the moon and then even more… Rich. I got it all.

So much so that Lucía put a… a chandelier.

Just hanging from the ceiling in the bathroom.

Aside from all that, I became a star all around the world

because I had defeated communism.

It's such a scandal

that you were the victim of a manipulation so utterly horrible,

and that unknowingly, you were involved in influence peddling.

Accidentally receiving secret payments from soulless businessmen.

Yes, that's true, that's true, I have beyond all doubt been a victim here.

However, I can't quite believe it.

Because you are a captain general,

you are a hero that should be more intelligent than those simple businessmen.

Right.

And you never thought to donate your fortune

to the charities of the Catholic faith?

If I did that, my children would murder me.

But isn't that what you desire? To be killed?

Well, yes, it's just that, right now…

Uh… I've decided, well…

it would be good to live another life.

Well, if that's your desire, and you want to repeat the horror,

then let's recover that fortune that was lost in those papers.

You make a good point.

I want you to know that my questions are personal

because they are needed for my work.

But I am also a curious person, and I like to undress with my voice.

That is fine. Magnificent.

What are you planning to destroy when you start again?

Well, the International Court in The Hague.

And… I don't know.

It's not important.

I haven't decided yet because, I tell you, I want to live.

There's nothing more gruesome than watching a man fall in love.

I hope you have been inspired by my presence.

Yes.

It's worse than seeing a body without a heart.

Men of sin have told me that my body

has something that invites a second opportunity.

-What is that? -No idea.

Maybe I smell like paradise flowers.

It could also be a new hormone that changes…

the acidic smell of my body.

Oh, I'm not…

Not quite able… able to smell you.

Mmm.

Mm-hm.

Papa isn't coming down to eat?

Will you come in?

Of course I'll come in.

This is old blood.

Old hearts from old bodies.

They can't give life the way that fresh blood can.

Our Father who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name.

Thy kingdom come, thy will be done, on Earth as it is in heaven.

Give us this day our daily bread,

and forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those that trespass against us.

Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name.

Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on Earth as it is in heaven.

Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our trespasses,

as we forgive those who trespass against us.

And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.

For thine is the kingdom, the power and the glory, for ever and ever. Amen.

Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name.

Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on Earth as it is in heaven.

Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our trespasses,

as we forgive those who trespass against us.

And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.

For thine is the kingdom, the power and the glory,

for ever and ever. Amen. Hail Mary…

Don't go out to hunt, my general.

Why not?

I don't want to waste any time.

I'm trying to help you die.

You think I am pleased with your service?

-Killing Reds? Anyone can do that. -No, not anyone.

I taught all of my soldiers to kill for pleasure.

And burning women's breasts with electricity?

Was that pleasure?

With love, even.

Pleasure.

And when I finally bit you, you dropped your trousers.

Why was that?

Don't go out to hunt, my general.

That woman, the accountant is a nun.

That woman wants to the get the devil out of me.

But you know,

I have nothing inside.

And neither do I.

We are both creatures of the night.

And the night is made just for thieves like you, sir.

I liked killing.

And you always liked to steal.

No, I liked killing as well.

But I can't live like a country peasant, Fyodor.

No, I need to be standing in a rock, in something made of cement.

Something solid.

I need people to help me. I need servants like you.

It bothers me washing dirty sheets.

What do you mean, dirty sheets?

The ones left by Lucía and you.

But I've never touched her.

Not yet?

No.

Fine, touch her now. Touch her.

But above all, don't do those howls of pleasure.

No, that is so feminine.

I'll give you my wife.

You can keep her.

You can do whatever you want with her.

But the money, it's mine.

May I take your photo?

You and your brothers and sisters were in prison in 2007 for embezzlement--

We were political prisoners.

Of course, but you were also accused of hitting--

How do you intend to do this exorcism?

With God's love.

But what if you don't get the demon out?

That depends on the will of the Holy Spirit.

Enough with that.

If you don't manage to get the devil out of my papa, what will you do with him?

I can kill him with a plastic bag, you know.

-What do you mean? -I put a bag on his head, he's gone.

-I cut-- -The genitals?

-Not necessary. -Cut it all.

Did you know that there were secret documents,

vouchers and various bearer bonds?

-Yes? -Yes.

And why didn't you come looking for them before,

during all these years in which your father has been the living dead?

Because as you said, those leftist judges have continued to investigate us.

So it wasn't wise to go looking for unreported money.

In any case, my mama figured out how to continue receiving donations.

And some of that charity got through to us.

It's a great mistake to feed on the heart of an older woman.

This blood is cold and thick.

The count has not been out hunting in years.

He's lost the knack.

After the attack on the Twin Towers in the year 2001,

the senate of the United States required several financial entities

to lift banking privacy so they could investigate

how the finances of terrorism worked.

Fucking gringos.

Accidentally, they looked into your family,

and the accounts with all those fake names.

Then they put Osama Bin Laden's picture next to your father's.

How many accounts were there?

A hundred and twenty-five in the United States, maybe.

Maybe?

Those are the accounts the judge saw, but he didn't investigate very well.

He didn't see what was in Germany, the Bahamas, or Gibraltar, for example.

Your father used, among others, the criminal alias

"Daniel López" to hide his many illegal acts.

Are you aware of why he chose such a normal name?

It isn't a criminal alias, you know. It isn't!

Well, it's not exactly an artistic name. It's a nom de guerre.

But for a war against the law

that protects the Republic from financial crimes.

He used it only to make, um…

So he could have… So he could have the income that matched the fortunes

of the hundreds of businessmen that he helped become millionaires.

Then it was an illegal and ordinary name

that was created for a goal that was absolutely noble.

Well, it may be illegal…

according to the laws of this ungrateful country,

but it was in fact a wholly blessed act in the face of divine justice.

The thing is that Papa was a martial arts expert.

And he could stop his breath for ten minutes.

-At least. -At least?

-His pulse as well. -Ah.

So when it was Mama's birthday celebration and he had that failure,

the doctors came immediately, took his vitals and declared him dead.

He could probably do the same thing once more.

No. No, because now he wants to die for real.

Maybe that was the name of a distant relative, I'm just guessing.

Or instead, in the 1980s,

the captain general first killed, and then burned,

and then threw into the sea from a helicopter

the charred body of Daniel López.

Papa isn't capable of killing anyone!

No, of course. His subordinates were the ones

that committed those heinous acts of violence.

But I am talking about your papa's strange sense of humor.

Because maybe the captain general

could have used the name of one of those disappeared detainees to… To swindle.

To make a bitter joke that only the true killers of this Daniel López

could possibly understand.

But that is impossible because my papa has no sense of humor. He doesn't have it.

-I love him. -Yes, yes.

So you believe in God?

Yes. Yes, of course.

I went to a very traditional Catholic school.

When Franco died three nuns committed suicide.

Why does God almighty allow the devil to live

when he could have killed him already, no?

It's a sublime mystery, but we resign ourselves to the Lord,

and we say that with love we don't mind living in ignorance of his motivations,

because one day we will live in the bristling bosom of his love.

-Is that clear? -Yes, it's clear.

But what happens if I have the devil in my soul?

Because I like whiskey, men, cars and expensive things.

-Is that the devil? -That is definitely a call from Satan.

And what's God giving?

Pure sanctified love.

My desire is to one day look my holy Lord in the eye…

What a load of shit.

I'm sure that God sends us into the world to see if we are with the devil.

I was tempted, and did it all, lust was always a big thing for me.

I'm dirty.

Very dirty.

-Hm. -Sorry.

No. Don't worry. I agree with what you say.

In fact, I came to this world to meet the devil.

That we can live together.

Give him love.

To be tempted.

To be caressed.

To caress him as well.

To humiliate.

Make the devil see God's way.

Nothing is more nutritious than the heart of a young woman.

It contains certain hormones, a certain chemical

that fires up the blood of the eternal man.

This latest victim is certainly not that.

But the count is behaving erratically.

You do know that your sister told me it all?

It all?

Your sister called me to come

and save the heart and seething soul of your father.

An overburdened soul.

That is exactly what we've been begging for such a long time.

All generals that conquer have the absolute right to ransack,

and to keep a fortune!

Absolutely.

And it's very sad to see that his heirs, like you,

cannot share the honor of his glory.

The undefeated Chilean army allowed your father to use it to launder money.

If you think of it that way, maybe.

But look, many years ago

I managed to purchase a steel company from the army.

And it was cheap. Extremely cheap.

Because it was bankrupt.

And a few years after that,

I sold that company back to the same army,

but now for three million dollars. That makes like…

How much is that?

1,000% profit?

I don't know the exact number because I was never good at mathematics.

And did you get it out of bankruptcy?

No, no, no. It was bankrupt. I did nothing.

So the Chilean army, they went and bought a totally bankrupt steel company

using your father's checks.

That's right.

And, then, you deposited those three checks

that added up to three million dollars

in secret bank accounts in Washington using pseudonyms.

Simple.

-Simple. -But nobody ever knew.

So when people came forward, I wasn't investigated.

We continued to live as normal.

-Free and happy. -Excuse me, sir.

You are free because your father threatened to stage a new coup

if you were investigated.

Yes, but every Christian Democrat from that time was in agreement.

And if it worked, it worked.

Three million dollars in personal checks.

-Three million dollars. -Sounds a lot.

But put into perspective, it's insignificant.

Compare it to Fulgencio Batista or Ferdinand Marcos. Huh?

After those guys our fortune's, well, laughable.

Now they were corrupt. And murderers as well.

Your simple-mindedness is fascinating.

"My father stole less than these other robbers."

It's only a villain that can say those words.

An empty being that doesn't believe in the human experience.

Why, thank you.

Are there any more hidden documents in this house?

No.

So how did these documents get here?

-Do you remember that? -They were brought here.

Apparently by helicopter, but not while I was here.

And so you hid them in the cellar, didn't you?

Possibly.

Drinking blood, for God's sake, to be able to survive.

-It must be a horrible sacrifice. -It must be so…

Besides, can you imagine the humiliation of having to hide all that money

to live a life that never ends?

But where is that money?

I'm finding everything out. But tell me.

-Are there accounts in Panama? -Yes.

-Yes. -Six.

Seven.

And right now you can move money between these accounts?

It's not possible.

We bought old books, collector's items.

My father liked that sort of thing. Strange.

-You knew that? -No, I didn't know.

My Papa stored a mountain of junk.

He had Napoleon's hat,

a sword from O'Higgins,

and a dress from, uh…

…some queen they had in France.

Last question.

So Fyodor, the butler…

He also eats blood.

A white Russian.

He killed many Bolsheviks. Many.

Of course, the Bolsheviks of this country.

As revenge for the Russian Revolution that exiled his family.

Here, he was a master of torture.

And my father bit him in the leg to thank him for his services

and give him eternal life.

But you may already know that…

that butler is a brute.

He has only one testicle, like Hitler.

He can't eat normal food.

If there's no meat, it's human excrement.

He also eats animal excrement.

That's why he licks the anus of shepherd dogs.

You haven't seen him?

No.

Not yet.

You were accused of killing over 300 political prisoners.

-Are you proud? -I declare that I'm absolutely innocent.

You are sentenced to 865 years in prison.

I don't understand how you are here.

Or if there is another person with your same name and your same appearance

that is in prison right now fulfilling your sentence.

I've only ever been myself.

The Chilean army, it taught me torture was of the utmost importance.

I simply stuck to following the instructions that were given to me.

When I was first trained as a soldier by teachers paid by the state of Chile.

-I know what you are feeling.

What?

When torturing someone, it's more efficient,

the promise of it all, than the torture itself.

The waiting causes more pain, as the imagination is able to run wild.

What'll you do to me?

Put something cold inside of you.

Every year, the Count visits his old presidential palace

to see if they've finally given him a bust.

Not yet.

It's so petty of them.

History is never fair.

He won't bite me.

He will not bite me.

It was him that went out hunting for hearts that night.

-It was me. -No.

I went out hunting for hearts that night.

He did it.

Dressed as the captain general.

It was me. I put his uniform on. Me.

The butler did it.

He dressed as his general.

Fulfilled his delusions of absolute power.

He impersonated the king in order to have him killed.

He betrayed the love of his life.

I did it to terrorize your children. So they'd come here.

-Why's that? -To kill him.

My general wants to die but can't.

Why not?

Because there is someone that doesn't want him to die.

Who?

I don't know…

who.

What's really happening is that you want my children to kill him

as you are incapable.

I can't kill the general. It was he who bit me.

You want to keep his fortune and steal his woman.

Who is his woman?

Me.

I am.

Not now.

I've seen him very much in love with a French accountant.

My general likes fine horses.

With your permission…

-Yeah.

I command you, Satan, prince of this world,

to recognize the power and strength of Jesus Christ,

who vanquished you in the desert,

vanquished you in the garden, stripped you on the cross,

and rising up from the tomb, transferred your bounty to the kingdom of light.

You shall leave now, Satan, trickster of the human race.

Leave this creature of God.

This I have spoken with a seal of worship.

Lead this man out of hell, and let God anoint him into a…

-A temple of sanctuary.

FINAL REPORT PINOCHET FAMILY

Do it.

Mm.

It's time for me to head south once again.

Because it's not the first war I've fought in this hemisphere.

This time I have to because our dear count has crossed a line.

Call me a conservative,

but this puerile intimacy shall not be allowed.

I thought I was going to be able to tell this story from my chambers.

But now there is no alternative.

With these documents and this money,

the Church could blackmail the Chilean army, the state of Chile,

and also the businessmen who nobly donated their money,

jewelry and cash to help Mother Lucía.

But Carmen is a child.

A little bitch.

She has a perfect mind.

Beautiful and criminal.

She's even better than I am.

She came to steal.

Bitch.

-Whore. -I told her everything.

-She's gonna steal it. -No.

-She'll steal it all. -That is not what he is saying.

-I think she's gonna blackmail us. -No, you idiot.

She's going to steal, humiliate us, and blackmail the others.

-And that was the only copy? -We have to check her room.

The money. Where's the money?

Did someone get in her suitcase?

Mm. She will kill him.

-The nun will kill him? -And then they're going to blame me.

She brought stakes and silver hammers.

-And holy water and some bits of rope. -She what?

She brought stakes and silver hammers!

-Are you deaf? -She won't kill me.

She won't kill me.

I already went down once, I won't go down again.

-And Mama? Where is she? -She's fine, with Fyodor.

She won't kill me either. I won't let a little girl kill me.

You have to kill her.

I can't. My general would kill me first.

You're more loyal to the general than to me?

Let me bite you.

-No. -Now, let me bite you right now.

I am the royal queen.

Stop fooling around.

I am a foreigner to this century.

And to you I am life eternal.

If you're gonna bite me, I want you to kill the general first.

With your permission.

I want you to win a war for--

Ooh! Get…

Margaret?

Who's the lucky lady?

Um. Don't know. I have no idea.

I just met her. I only met her today.

Get dressed.

A pleasure to see you. I thought you were dead,

but, like me, there are still other ancient people.

Why did you bite her?

Well, because she's the flavor of the hour.

I am your love, Count.

Your oldest love.

Many years ago, I was an English seasonal worker

in the vineyards of southern France.

It was a hard life, but I didn't starve to death.

Sometimes the sailors landing at Marseilles,

would venture into the fields to let off steam

with the peasant girls they'd find among the onions or the grapes.

They were ferocious men.

He raped me, of course.

But oddly, he was most interested

in my neck.

As he committed his crime, he told me his name over and over again.

-Strigoi.

Strigoi.

He said he was a trafficker of slaves.

-That I would be his slave forever.

A few months later, I realized Strigoi had turned me into a vampire.

And had left me with child.

Luckily, Strigoi returned to the vineyard whenever he could.

I had to see him again to thank him for what he'd done for me.

From that romantic liaison, a beautiful child was born.

Whom I could not take care of.

On February 25, 1766, you emerged from my belly.

In the basket, I left you

a note with your name.

I, Margaret Roberts, the fallen peasant girl, lived many lives.

I crossed the Channel to Great Britain.

And in 1951, married Denis Thatcher, taking his name.

They called me the Iron Lady.

The unrelenting Margaret Thatcher.

You never knew who your mother was.

And I never heard word of you,

though I searched for two centuries.

In the Falklands War,

you decided to help us, not knowing that I,

your mother, was the prime minister.

Years later, that horrid Spanish judge

took out an international warrant against you

for some human rights business, and you were arrested in London.

And when I visited you in Virginia Waters

to thank you for what you'd done for England,

I recognized you, but I didn't say a word.

The message is simple. The general must be freed.

He was a staunch friend of Britain.

A dear ally who supported us throughout the Falklands War.

He supplied valuable military intelligence against the Argentine enemy.

Pinochet should be tried in Chile, not in England.

You are the son

of the vampire Strigoi.

And I am the love of your life.

And now we shall begin our life together.

But first, you must eliminate her.

No.

I allowed this trollop from the Church to bring back your lust for life.

It was effective and very moving,

but now she must die, and you are going to kill her.

Don't worry. No one understands the love between a mother and son.

Lucía.

You motherfucking old bitch.

I always knew you wanted to steal my husband.

Don't speak to me like that, indigenous woman.

And I don't want to steal him. He's mine.

What? You bit her?

You've only just met this little thief, and you've bitten her already!

Oh, don't be an old nag!

You reek of Fyodor. I can smell him from over here.

Traitor.

Then Mama will never die either.

And now Carmencita.

We're screwed. We're left with nothing.

What?

If Papa doesn't die, we won't get anything.

And if they kill each other?

-Why would they kill each other? -For the money?

No, 'cause they love and hate each other. They're not of our species.

A superior species.

-We'll just have to kill them.

You'll kill four vampires?

I'm not gonna kill Mama.

South America.

The count's secret boudoir is a place of pure nostalgia.

A ridiculous reconstruction of royal life in France,

before the revolutionary terror.

It's his time machine.

And now Carmen is his queen, dressed as

-Marie Antoinette. -Marie Antoinette.

She's yours now.

Just like all men, my son is an idiot who never could understand women.

He loved many and burned several

but never had the wit to read such a glaringly obvious plan.

You old horror!

Penniless old man.

You loveless old man!

What a pain.

You don't know about victory.

It's true that beauty and intelligence never go together.

The end of this ridiculous affair.

She sacrificed her life to do the bidding of the Holy Spirit.

A perfect religious fanatic.

Our Church needs to be reborn.

Just like our Lord Jesus Christ.

Amen, Monsignor.

Once you are finished with the report, you will have to defeat Satan.

And kill the vampire.

And if you find any document signed to the bearer,

that may be of use to the Church,

take it.

Banks, account numbers, companies, documents signed by important people,

Ministers, businessmen, whatever.

Let them talk.

Right.

Well, shall we?

Papa?

Papa!

What a pain.

Let's go.

Papa?

Papa?

The pack of philistines who came to plunder this place

never knew that the true treasure of this house

was always the books that my son collected throughout his long life.

Napoleon's letters to his brother.

Darwin's diaries.

The first copy of Adolf Hitler's Mein Kampf.

Chile's Declaration of Independence.

And several other gems that we will auction for millions of pounds.

This is what the count achieved.

Beyond the killing, his life's work was to turn us into heroes of greed.

ARK

It's well-known that vampires' hearts are the most delicious by far.

They are also the most efficient for renewing our bodies.

It's hard to explain, but every fiber of heart that descends through our chests

makes us younger.

My son preferred to remain in this country of rubble.

-I didn't have much choice.

Children today do as they please.

He says that the most dangerous leftists of all

are right here.

We shall see.

Perhaps I shall find it interesting,

being rich in a country of the poor.

If you want anything said, ask a man.

If you want anything done, ask a woman.

THE END