Original subtitles

- [Kat] But you don't even like the guy.

- [Cory] You're right, I fucking love the guy.

- [Kat] Sounds like he's getting what he deserves.

- [Cory] Please do me a favor and don't say anything

about it okay?

- [Kat] It's just three days is a long time

and I don't want a repeat of what happened at Jen's wedding.

- It must be just around this corner.

♫ Looking back

♫ On what remains

♫ Sittin' by self waiting for

♫ The 2:30 train

♫ Photographs have shown me here

♫ But without the rust and tarnish

♫ I've picked up through the years

♫ Now here I sit

♫ The train is near

♫ I wonder if there'll be a next time

♫ That I'd be pictured here

There it is.

Oh wow, there it is!

(laughs)

You coming?

- [Kat] Coming where, Cory?

- Well, it's gonna be one of theirs.

Come on, let's go check it out.

- Cory, where are you-

Oh Jesus.

- So glad you were able to make the trip.

I can't wait to meet your friends.

Oh, they're just going to love you.

Jesus, this was a lot easier when I was 17.

- Aaron!

- One and only.

- [Keith] Hey, I'm Keith Baxter-

- Aaron Donaldson, is that you?

Oh my god!

Oh my god.

- Hi, welcome.

I can't believe you came.

- Well after Cory's detective work,

it seemed like the right thing to do.

- Oh my god, right?

Can you believe it?

- Oh, don't get me wrong, I can believe it.

Wow, Aaron Donaldson.

- Elle Richards.

- Baxter for over 12 years now.

May I proudly present Mr. Baxter.

- Hey I'm Keith, nice to meet you.

- Bulldogs, trust you already.

- My god, Aaron Donaldson.

Oh don't worry, Keith knows we banged in high school.

- Wow.

- (laughs) Careful though, she doesn't know

that we banged in high school.

- Hot!

- Sorry, I didn't realize they turned

this into a john.

- I was just thinking about the Drama Banquet in '96.

- Oh yeah?

- Yeah.

- Your Puck was really good.

- Yeah, but not the best.

- It's a bullshit popularity contest, man.

I actually packed the trophy for ya.

Should've been yours, no joke.

- Really?

Didn't you get a handjob from Jenna Vitalis that night?

You pack that too?

Son of a bitch.

- It's so good to see you.

- Oh man, what is this?

You getting ready for surgery doctor?

- You don't want to know how much these shoes cost.

- Oh no, I don't blame you.

I just didn't realize you reached such

impressive levels of douche-dom.

- Fuck you Cory Spink.

- Fuck you Luke Lebowski.

- Hey, it's Lebrudso.

Look, let me explain something to you.

I'm not Mr. Lebowski,

you're Mr. Lebowski. - You're Mr Lebowski.

- No, I'm the dude, I'm the-

- Race ya!

- Get back here Spink!

(laughs)

I'm gettin' too old for this man.

- [Cory] Ah shit!

- Oh my god!

- Hannah?

- Oh my god, it's Hannah.

Move aside, move aside, move aside.

Oh my god! - Hi!

- A staunch Hilary supporter.

- [Aaron] Oh yeah, from way back.

- [Elle] You haven't aged.

- Thanks, I was so nervous I was going

to be the only one here.

- Hey, would a weekend alone with me been so bad?

- [Hannah] Oh Aaron, I love you.

- [Luke] I am the Dude, you're Donny.

- [Cory] I'm Donny?

- [Luke] Yeah, shut the fuck up Donny,

you're out of your element.

- I'm not getting reception.

- [Luke] Oh shut the fuck up, Donny.

- [Kat] Are we going to have reception?

- [Luke] No body cares about the barbed wire

you're out of your element.

- [Cory] I am not Donny!

- Please god, just one bar.

- Yes you are!

I am the Dude.

- You're the Dude with booties on his feet.

- [Luke] These aren't booties man, they're called

surface guards so-

- Oh, excuse me.

Guard the surface.

- [Luke] I can get you a pair if you want.

- Yeah, that's all right.

- (laughs) Hey there, ah.

Who's your lady friend?

- My wife, Kat.

Kat meet Luke.

- It's my pleasure.

Wow, nice score Cor.

- Thanks, you know it's too bad you go syphilis

from that tranny hooker or I might share.

- Ha!

Yeah, I remember that.

How was your grandpa anyway?

- Holy shit, Natty?

Is that my little Natty?

- No one's called me Natty in years.

- Natty, Nathan, whoever you are.

Get over here so I can give you a hug

is what I was gonna say, but that is not my final answer.

Holy hell, Nathan!

You became a butterfly.

- That's my mantra at CrossFit, be a butterfly.

- Come on, man. - Hey man.

- So it's Nathan.

- You look fantastic.

- I do declare.

Hi.

- [Elle] Nathan, Hannah, this is my husband Keith.

- Met Hannah, nice to meet you.

- Nathan. - Keith.

- Nice to meet you too.

- You guys have two boys, right?

Where are they?

- Oh, two since the abortion.

(laughs)

It's a joke, Hannah I'm sorry.

You just met me, that's not fair.

- Oh no, it's okay.

I am well aware I decided to spend the weekend

with a bunch of baby killing liberals.

- Excuse me, is this the right address

for the Donaldson orgy?

- Why yes it is! - Woo!

- Oh my god.

- Hi, I'm Kat.

I apologize now for my husband.

- Keith, Elle's husband.

I make no apologies for her atrocious behavior.

- No apologies for Cory.

We accept him in spite of there being

absolutely no excuse.

- Oh you always knew how to make a lady swoon.

- What the hell are we all doing here?

- [Nathan] Blame Aaron.

- We made a pact, man!

- So good to see you.

- You don't back out on a pact.

- Hey. - Hey, hi.

- Elle.

- Luke!

(laughs)

Handsome as ever.

- Oh, thank you.

- This is my husband, Keith.

- Nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you, too.

- Natty?

Holy shit, man.

Natty.

Well, it looks like your ball finally dropped.

- And there it is.

- Come here.

- All weekend? - Come on, come here.

- It's good to see you.

Wow, you got these like rock titty muscles now.

I'm gonna be honest, it's kinda turning me on a little bit.

- All right, okay.

- Let's see what this body of yours can do, huh?

- Jesus Christ, Luke.

We just got here, don't start your shit already, okay?

- My shit?

I seem to remember you owe me five bucks

from the last time we were here.

- Stop, fuck, man!

- You're gonna' owe me a lot more than five bucks

if these shoes get scuffed.

- Get the fuck off me.

- I got it, I got it!

- What the fuck is wrong with you?

- Okay, okay.

I think I know how to settle this.

May I?

Thank you.

All right, here we are.

Aaron?

- They're in the upper shed,

they haven't been used in years.

- [Elle] Really?

- Come on guys, what do you say?

Double or nothing?

- We are not teenagers anymore.

Our bones are brittle at this point.

- Oh come on, bring it in.

Everybody bring it in.

Get it in there, come on.

- I have no idea what's happening.

- Come on baby, you're gonna' love this.

- Why am I doubtful?

- Come on...

Yes!

Okay fellas, you know the rules.

We keep it clean, we keep it above the belt

and we kiss and make up when it's all over.

Ready, on my mark.

One, two, three, break!

Mario Kart!

(upbeat music)

- On your marks,

get set,

go!

- [Luke] Come on.

Come on, come on, come on!

Work baby!

(laughs)

(cheers)

(applause)

That thing is a lot smaller than I remember it.

- [Nathan] And I'm a lot bigger.

(calming music)

♫ Selective memories

- Amigos, one cosmo for a man who is obviously comfortable

with the size of his dick,

and a whisky on the rocks for a man whose nose bleeds

almost as much as his vagina.

- Has he been waiting 20 years to do that?

- Yeah, we all have.

But uh, we Skyped about it last night

and Nathan won the vote.

- Ha Ha.

- Oh man, that looks awesome.

- So, saying someone has a vagina

supposed to mean they're less masculine, less manly?

- Yeah, that is quite literally the definition

of having a vagina.

- Cory, insulting someone by insinuating femininity

makes the assumption that women are weak.

It's sexist.

- I'm sorry, babe.

- A bloody mary for our new friend, Kat.

- [Cory] Thank you.

- [Kat] Being a woman does not make you weak.

- I know, I'm just getting caught in my unrefined

teenage years.

- Exactly.

And they haven't seen you in a long time

so maybe it's best you not talk like a neanderthal anyway.

I got a bar!

- Margaritas for Nathan, Elle, and Jack and Coke for you.

I figured heavy on the Jack.

- You figured correctly.

- Last but not least, a pair of matching gin and tonics.

So he did use weak female stereotype,

but she used a neanderthal stereotype

and that's bullshit.

(chuckles)

- To friends.

- To friends.

- Suck it bitches!

- Oh shit, yes!

Come on.

- I heard there were sucking bitches in here?

- You're stripes, outsider.

- Oh, I'm sorry.

- Don't look sorry.

- Violent.

- So-

- Yeah.

- So you just punch him in the face?

- I had zero knowledge that was going to surface

the way it did.

- Ah, that's right.

- Oh - Oh wait, two in one, hey!

- All right.

- Dude, this place is sweet.

Elle said this used to be your drama teachers'?

- Yeah, Mr. K.

God, he was awesome, man.

He would invite the Drama Club up here

every spring, we'd stay for a week.

What the-

- Fuck that go on?

- So good.

(laughs)

- Sucka!

- Yes, we stay alive.

Hey!

- Meat is done.

Dinner is on the patio in five.

- Thank you five.

- Thank you five. - Thank you five.

- [Keith] Food, I declare this game a draw.

- What, dude no.

Five minutes is plenty of time for me to kick your ass.

- Even though you deserved it

for years of ego diminishing abuse,

I'm sorry I finally made things even.

- Even though I could've taken you out

if I wasn't so in control of my emotions,

I forgive you for being a douchebag

and holding a 20 year grudge.

- Fuck you.

- No, fuck you.

(whistle)

- Enough touchy feely, guys.

Dinners on, let's go, chop chop.

- [Nathan] I hope it hurt.

- [Luke] It does.

- [Nathan] Good.

You're a gusher.

♫ If I don't walk past your door

♫ You'll be the worst

♫ You'll be the worst

♫ Decision in 10 years

- [Elle] Aren't we millennials?

- [Cory] No, we missed the cutoff, they start in 1980.

- [Luke] They're like single handedly responsible

for the end of days.

- Oh, I concur.

- The rich and the religious, forever red.

- Okay, I think they might actually start

the next revolution.

- I stand firmly on the blue team, but revolution?

- Facebook, started by millennials.

Tumblr, millennials.

Uh, Snapchat, Dropbox, Lyft, Reddit, Zynga,

all millennials.

- What language are you speaking?

- Okay, okay we're getting way off topic here.

I'll agree that social media changed the world-

- Thank you, thank you.

- For the worse.

- Everybody glued to their little screens,

no one makes eye contact with you anymore.

- [Luke] You think the world is more connected, but are we?

- Yes, we're literally here because Aaron

sent out a Facebook message.

- Right, but have you ever fuckin' spoken

to any of us in 15 to 20 years?

- Oh shit, you guys.

Luke's got a point.

- Doesn't mean you're not connected.

Communication is just different now.

- What it means is that we're fooling ourselves.

Like, I have been seeing a counselor at church since '05.

Did any of you know that?

- Exactly, of course we didn't know that

because everything in social media land

is "Look how happy I am.

"Look at the amazing trip that I took.

"Look at me standing up for inequality

"and doing nothing else to fight the cause."

- It's not all positive.

I learned about Elle's mom on Facebook.

- Yeah, no offense Elle, cancer's something

we can all get behind.

I mean, everybody loves to send a get well comment.

- And do you think anyone's actually

remembering your birthday?

- Oh, there's hope for this one yet, Cory.

- Whose side are you on?

- Okay, did any of you go to the 10 year reunion?

No, because you already knew who was fat, bald, divorced.

You've been spying on everybody secretly,

there's no need for actual interaction.

Look, I know that Aaron stayed local,

took over the Playhouse when Mr. K passed away.

- Mr. K.

Mr K.

- Mr. K. - To Mr. K.

- I know that Cory works at his father in law's law firm.

I had no idea that Natty became fucking Nathan,

but I do know that he's super into CrossFit.

Hannah works at a Christian youth camp,

there's no surprises there.

- What's that supposed to mean?

- Nothing, but am I connected to you?

I mean, do I know you?

Elle and Keith, you have two strapping sons

who I'd recognize on the street

because I've seen their picture online

more than I've seen my face in the mirror.

- Not likely.

- Those are all great things to know.

- Yes, but do you know the people?

Okay, Elle, Keith.

Tell us something from the last 10 years

that doesn't involve the political

or social BS that we've all experienced online.

Something you'd only tell your friends

because you know that they wouldn't judge you for it.

- I mean, Keith and I got married in 2005,

with Jake and Denny.

We bought a condo. (Cory snores)

What?

My mom, that was tough.

- We're all very happy for you.

You guys are so perfect.

Okay, moving on.

- Dude, nobody's perfect.

I'm sure you have fucking skeletons in your closet.

- Of course, everyone does.

- So, we're all shitty human beings

because we don't share our dirty laundry

with our Facebook followers.

- See, followers.

Celebrities are supposed to have followers, man.

People are supposed to have friends

and not the Facebook kind.

- Yeah, we're hiding behind a lie that social media

makes us more social.

- All right, I'll go first.

After I leave here, I'll be doing five to 15 years,

maybe four with good behavior.

- Wow. - Holy Hell.

- You fuckers.

You knew.

- [Elle] Cory told us.

Cory told us not to say anything.

- Come on, man.

My arraignments Tuesday.

- Oh, it's only the arraignment

and your attorney says five to 15 years?

Dude, you gotta find a better lawyer.

- I'm pleading guilty.

- What did you do exactly?

- Well, our bank got involved with the big

bailout banks in a not so kosher way.

My signature's on a lot of documents.

The DOC is all over our asses

and the partners needed someone to hang.

I drew the short straw.

- Wow. - Did not see that coming.

- Sort of saw that coming.

- Jesus, Cory.

- So wait, no one from Goldman Sachs is convicted

but some dude running a local credit union

in Sacramento is?

- Right? - That's some deep shit.

- Yup.

All right assholes, who's next?

Don't leave me hanging.

Cory, whatcha got?

Well, Kat and I lost our house

thanks to one of those not so kosher bank bailouts.

- Fuck me.

- And we've been in couple's therapy for-

- Don't Cory.

- Because I-

- I said no.

- I can't get her pregnant.

Not enough swimmers.

- I asked you not to.

I'm not part of this,

whatever the hell this is.

Fuck!

- I haven't been in a relationship

for more than three months since high school.

I'm like Seinfeld on crack.

I focus all my energy on stupid shit

that I think will make any woman not good enough.

You know, cause I'm such a prize.

- I own this place, and the Playhouse.

Nobody knows that.

- What, really?

- That's awesome, how?

- Well when Chuck died, it was held up in

bureaucratic hell for a while, but I got it now.

- Who's Chuck?

- Mr. K, our drama teacher.

- Dude, the view alone is worth like a million bucks.

How'd you snag that kind of cash?

- Why?

Do you have an investment opportunity

I just can't refuse?

- Touche.

- What about you, Hannah.

Why the church shrink?

- Confidence issues.

In college and then a few years after.

Just felt like I was letting everybody down.

My parents, my brothers, men, Jesus.

- Jesus is a little bit of an extreme measuring stick, no?

- And by the time I was finally happy with myself,

it just felt like everyone worthy to marry

was already taken.

- Aaron, Luke, and Nathan are all single.

At least according to Facebook.

- No one's worthy?

- I feel stupid trying to explain it.

- Just own it for crying out loud.

Religion, religion is what made you feel like

you were letting everyone down.

And then it pulls a 180 and all of a sudden

you can't find a man worthy enough to be with you?

- No, she's right.

Being a Christian does mean living a certain way

and whether others understand it or not,

I'm not going to let anything stand in the way of that.

And I'm coming to terms with being single

and finally accepting that maybe it won't happen.

- Maybe what won't happen?

- Finding a worthy Christian guy.

- So, is there some kind of checklist you have to

run through before you just let yourself feel?

- Elle, come on.

- Obviously you're just trying to be mean,

but yes.

And there's nothing wrong with wanting

to find a guy with similar values.

- Like what?

- Like someone who believes in God.

Someone who believes that Jesus is the lord

and someone who has saved themselves

for the sanctity of marriage.

- Hannah, you didn't save yourself for marriage.

How the hell are you gonna' find a guy that did

unless you're attracted to 12 year olds?

- Only religious men are attracted to 12 year olds.

(laughs)

- For your information, I'm a virgin.

- No the fuck you're not!

- I don't expect you to get it.

- What don't I get?

A penis going into your vagina

makes you not a virgin.

- After much needed counseling

and lots of prayer, I am a virgin again.

- Okay, I'm lost.

- You have got to be kidding me.

I don't believe in God.

I've never believed in God.

I had sex in high school just like you.

- Yeah with Nathan.

- Yeah, with Nathan.

And when I found out that you slept with him I thought,

"Good on ya'," because I knew he was a good time.

What of it?

I also had sex with Aaron and Cory.

- Fuck this.

- Hannah, if I'm the ungodly slut,

how come I've been super happily married

to an amazing man for a dozen years?

Totally faithful to one another

and with two unbelievable boys

that I'm grateful for every day.

SHouldn't you have that for being

such a good little Christian girl

with her knees clamped together?

- I think she gets it, hun.

- I don't think she does.

- I'm sorry, no I do.

I'm sorry, you're better than me

and you always have been.

- Jesus, that's not what I'm saying.

- I don't know what is wrong with me, okay?

I have always looked up to you

and watching you on Facebook all of these years

have been part of my struggle.

I see how beautiful your family is

and you have blazed your path,

your glory and your happiness.

I will give you that.

But you have to respect the path that I have chosen too.

And whether you want to believe it or not,

Jesus helps me on my journey.

- [Elle] I'm sorry.

- [Hannah] I'm sorry too.

- How do women do that?

- [Aaron] I don't know.

- [Nathan] It's easy.

- Oh. - Oh.

- You know, I think I known how to get this

little reunion back on track.

- I think I like where this is headin'.

- Do you remember our original pact?

- Where no matter where we were

or what we were doing with our lives,

we would come back here to party on April 20th, 2017.

- Thank God for April 20th.

- Thank God for our unbelievably teenage foresight.

- I'm gonna' go freshen up,

but don't worry I will be back

and I've never read anything in the Bible against cannabis.

- But don't you dare touch shellfish or pork.

- Wow, what did I ever see in you again?

- I don't know.

(laughs)

- All right, what are we waiting for?

(laughs)

- You know what, it would only be Christian

to let our new friend toke first.

- I'll give you that pleasure.

Well, I just want to thank you guys.

- [Luke] Thank Aaron man, it's his house.

- No, no, no, no practice makes perfect

and I want to thank you all for rehearsing

my wife's big opening.

Big opening, opening, big opening night.

(laughs)

Not her big opening.

- Oh my god!

- Hey I didn't teach you all of those moves.

- I am getting more booze,

and just so you know, I taught them a thing or two.

My moves come natural.

- That must've been Jesus.

- Hey, to Jesus!

- I am the one who should be fucking embarrassed.

- And why are you being so vulgar?

- I don't know.

It's being back here, it's muscle memory.

- I don't like it.

- Don't blame them for my behavior, okay?

They're good people.

All that shit at home, and my mom and dad.

- I know sweetie.

And that's part of it.

I want them to see the responsible

and mature man that you've become.

I love you so much and I am so proud of you

and I am so grateful for the sacrifices you've made for us.

I want them to see that.

And I want them to think that I'm worthy

of the friend they hold in such high regard.

- You are, they do!

- It's hard for me meeting people

that you idolize so much.

And now, everyone knows that you slept with Elle.

- They've always know that.

- Yeah but now they know that I know,

that changes everything.

- It does?

- Jesus Cory, it's hard for me okay?

Can you please be sensitive to that.

I'm here too.

It's not all about you.

- I know.

I'm sorry.

- Thank you.

I just want you to respect me.

I'm your wife.

- I will.

I do.

- I've narrowed the donors down to three.

You can pick when we get home.

- Great.

Oh hey!

- It's about as just as good as we remembered.

- Oh, thank you.

- Sorry about our little episode.

- Episode?

- Cheers.

- [Hannah] Nice.

- How are you handling this so disgustingly well?

- I'm scared shitless.

- Let's all raise a glass to the lost

in between generation.

All it took was a Facebook message and 72 hours

to rip us away from the grind of our pointless adult lives.

- Yeah! - Pointless lives!

- [Cory] Wait, wait, wait though.

Don't act like you didn't have 20 years

and 72 hours notice, we made a pact.

- [Aaron] Okay, good point.

- We're too young for a midlife crisis so,

it must astrological.

- Oh, you flunked Mr. Hanks math class.

74 is a completely probable age to die.

- To death! - To death!

- [Luke] All right, truth shots.

- [Aaron] Oh yeah.

- Round and round I go.

And where I stop,

where I stop,

where I stop, Elle.

- I made out with Mr. Melser

- No! - Oh my god!

- He was so sexy!

- Sexy?

You are out of fucking mind!

- Yes! - He's like 90 years old.

♫ I sit alone

♫ And I ask you to appear

- You can take the bigot out of the white,

but you can't take the white out of the bigot.

- True.

- Right bigot?

- You fellas tryin' to tell me

you understand African American injustice.

- Hey, it's not our fault we don't have any

black high school buddies, buddy.

It's the racist systems.

- Here comes some good ol' liberal conspiracy.

- No okay, just listen.

You can't just go to any school you want.

We had to go to the school whose

boundaries we lived in.

You can't live in good boundaries, white boundaries

unless you have a good job

and you get that from a good education.

And you can't get that good education

unless you live in good white boundaries.

- Yup.

- Our school was diverse.

We had Hannah.

- Hannah was raised by white people, she was adopted.

Look at the way she dresses,

it's like cultural gentrification.

- So you're saying I'm a racist

because my mom wanted to live in a nice neighborhood.

- [Nathan] No dude, but that's why there were

no black kids in our school.

- So you think it's fair that

minorities get special treatment.

Scholarship, diversity programs, hiring quotas,

that's reverse discrimination.

- Oh my God, how republican are you?

- I don't hate black people!

- Nothing good comes after a statement like that.

All right, all right, all right.

I gotta know, abortion?

- Proudly pro life.

- Obamacare?

- Repeal it.

- Citizens United?

- Free speech issue.

- Oh fuck, second amendment?

- I don't carry on my person.

- Oh my God, we got a pulse.

- I do keep a loaded weapon in my trunk though.

- I'm sorry, we've lost him.

Full blown GOP.

(knocks on window)

- He could've at least shaved his ass.

- Oh no, don't do it, oh God.

Spank it! - Natty ice, sick.

♫ 1985 blinded by the propagandas

♫ Nintendo video games while we're ignoring our commanders

♫ And none of them gave a shit

♫ Well that's except for Bernie Sanders

♫ And no one can take vacations to the Bahamas or to Fiji

♫ Instead we carted around at home with Mario and Luigi

(all cheer)

- Guys challenge, suck it!

(rock music)

♫ Swing a man you better do what you can

♫ You've been making promises

♫ That you're not young anymore

♫ Swing a man

♫ Take my hand

- You guys remember this one?

♫ When I was young, I knew everything

♫ And she, a punk who rarely ever took advice

♫ Now I'm guilt stricken sobbin'

♫ With my head on the floor

♫ Stopped a baby's breath and a shoe full of rice, no

♫ Can't be held responsible

♫ She was touchin' her face

♫ I won't be held responsible

♫ She fell in love in the first place

♫ For the life of me

♫ I can not remember

♫ What made us think that we were wise

♫ and we'd never compromise

♫ For the life of me

♫ I can not believe we'd ever die

♫ For these sins

♫ We were merely freshmen

♫ My best friend took a week's vacation to forget her

♫ His girl took a week's worth of Valium and slept

♫ And now he's guilt-stricken, sobbin'

♫ With his head on the floor

♫ Thinks about her now and how he never really wept he said

♫ Can't be held responsible

- Hannah. - Yeah?

- Fuck, marry, kill.

- Oh no.

- Luke, Aaron, Cory.

- Okay, I'm only going to fuck when I marry,

so I pick Luke for both.

- Winner, winner, chicken dinner.

- So you have to kill Aaron or Cory.

- Cory.

- Oh!

- Oh Cory?

I love Cory.

- I know, I do too.

I just think he's like physically easier to kill.

- Aw, that is the sweetest thing

anyone has ever said to me.

- Mission Impossible.

- Tom Cruise. - Tom Cruise.

- Whoa, he said one word this round.

- Yeah Mission hyphen Impossible.

- Bull hyphen shit.

- Yes!

- Battlestar Galactica.

- Edward James Olmos - Five, four, three,

- Friends. - two, one.

(shouting and cheering)

- My dear.

- At what o'clock tomorrow shall I send him.

- Schwarzenegger!

- But the hour is nigh.

- I will not fail.

I forgot why I did call thee back.

- Christopher Walken.

- Let me stay here to bow.

Remember it.

- I shall forget to have thee still stand there.

Remembering how I love thy company.

- Nicholas Cage!

- And I'll still stay

to have thee

still forget

for getting any other home but this.

Aah!

Sorry.

- I forgot my lines.

- Round and round and round I go.

And Cory!

I spied on Hannah and Elle in the dressing room

during Music Man.

- Oh! - I totally knew it!

- I spied on Aaron in the dressing room

during Lend me a Tenor.

- Yes, that's my girl!

- Did you see anything you liked darling?

- I'm sorry!

♫ We were merely freshmen

♫ We were only freshmen

- Like an organ.

Half the people our age and all the millennials, sorry Kat,

are just not willing to work as hard as the boomers.

They live off their parents longer,

they go to school for a decade like it's a job

and then they don't get around to careers

until they're in their 30s.

Then it's like a race to have risky pregnancies

with wrinkled sperms and rotten eggs.

- Wow, thanks for that.

- Or maybe the social reality is that

the boomers had access to cheaper, higher education

and better paying jobs in a time

when it wasn't mandatory for both parents to work

in order to buy a house by the time they were 24

with their second kid on the way.

They had more earlier because the system

they lived in allowed them to grow.

We've got fewer jobs, all of which require

a master's degree and none of which come with a pension.

Not to mention the astronomical student loans

that your future job salary's never going

to have the ability to pay off.

We rush to have wrinkled sperm babies

because biological clocks tick on

even if we don't have at 37 what our parents had at 25.

- Wow, thanks Bernie.

- Too much reality.

I need my meds, oh I need my meds!

- Doctor!

- Yes doctor!

- I need 25 CCs of Pineapple Express, stat!

- [Nathan] You heard him nurses.

- Yes doctor!

- Tell my unconceived children, I...

- We're losing him, damnit!

- Nurse, defibrillator!

- [Elle] Come on, come on, come on!

- [Nathan] Hurry up, we're gonna be sued, damnit!

- [Elle] We're working as fast as we can!

- He's gonna die! - Clear!

- [Kat] It's ready!

- Beeee!

- He's slipping away!

- Again!

- Clear!

- Beep!

(cheers)

- Yes doctor.

- You stay you hear me, you son of a bitch.

- I need you take deep, deep breaths.

- My wife.

You shoot whisky so hot.

- You're an asshole.

- [Hannah] We love that asshole.

- [Cory] I'm alive!

- I'm dying, oh my god!

(rock and roll music)

(Nathan groans)

- Looks like you could use a couple more hours

of CrossFit each day.

The commitment is commendable.

I could never do it myself of course

because of all the time you have to spend

talking about CrossFit after you CrossFit.

- You know Keith, you're a pretty cool dude

for hanging out with a bunch of guys

that porked your wife.

- You know she has nicknames for all you guys, right?

What was Nathan's babe?

- Do not drag me into your shit.

- That's right, Mr. Bigglesworth.

- Hannah, tell them that that doesn't make sense.

- Hannah is a virgin.

She would not know.

- And that is my cue, I am off to bed.

- [Nathan] Aw shit, well Mr. Bigglesworth

needs his sleep too so-

- Don't do anything I wouldn't do!

- Leave room for the holy spirit.

- Okay, stop.

- Goodnight guys.

It's so good to see you.

Night.

- Goodnight everybody!

See you in the morning.

- By morning, I do hope you mean afternoon.

- [Hannah] Oh indeed.

- Would drawing a dick on his face be out of the question?

- Okay, fuck marry kill.

- Okay.

- Me, Luke, and Kat.

- What am I chopped liver?

- Easy.

Fuck Kat, marry you, cause then we get to fuck all the time,

kill Luke.

- Can I watch you fuck Kat before you kill me?

All right, I need more truth!

- Truth!

- [Luke] Round and round I go.

Where I stop, who gives a shit?

- Thank you.

- Keith.

- I'm gonna bang you very hard tonight.

(laughs)

- The game is played by saying something

the rest of the group doesn't already know.

- All right, this fifth wheel's callin' it.

- You're not a fifth wheel.

- Ah, I see you also failed Mr. Hanks math class.

- Oh no, she just means we haven't had sex

in 16 months, so.

- Jesus, Cory!

- Yup, it's definitely time to call it.

- We're doing truth shots and you don't fuck me anymore.

So- - Fuck you.

- Not in a long, long time.

And round and around I go,

rotting slow from the inside out.

- Oh don't worry, all the booze will keep

your corpse preserved.

- Oh god, oof.

All right, who's got the golf cart keys?

- I thought you were callin' it?

- For here yes, but I still think I can make last call

at the School House.

- Yes, School House!

- School House! - Let's do it!

- [Luke] That's where it's goin'.

- We're not goin, we're staying here.

- [Luke] Leave my beer here.

Do you know how to get there?

- [Cory] No.

- Have fun kids.

- [Keith] You we will.

- [Elle] Careful, I think you can still get a DUI

on a golf cart.

- Fore! - It's okay, he's driving.

(laughs)

- What's his nickname?

- Battle Cat.

(laughs)

- By the power of Grayskull.

♫ I want to give you all of me

♫ But not that much

♫ Because you're gonna' throw it away

♫ Well you got that touch

♫ I am giving all

♫ Have I got you down

- Didn't realize how much I missed everybody

until I actually saw your faces.

- Yeah, I almost didn't come.

I'm glad I did.

♫ You're not the only one who's sleepin' in this bed

♫ You have misspoken

♫ You got no liberty

- Wow.

♫ You rain above the beggars and the thiefs

(Kat sobs)

♫ You are not my maker

- Fuck!

Damnit!

♫ I have been broken

♫ I have been left for dead

♫ You're not the only one who's sleepin' in this bed

♫ You have misspoken

♫ You got no liberty

♫ You rain above the beggars and the thiefs

♫ And you are not my maker

♫ No, you are not my maker

♫ Ooh

♫ Ooh

♫ Ooh

♫ I have been broken

♫ I have been left for dead

♫ And you're not the only one

♫ Who's sleepin' in this bed

♫ You have misspoken

♫ You've got no liberty

♫ You rain above the beggars and the thiefs

♫ And you are not my maker

♫ No you are not my maker

(cart crashes)

(coughing)

- Should we just park it here?

- [Cory] Don't forget to lock it.

(beeps)

- How much farther?

- [Cory] Not far.

This way.

(singing unintelligibly)

- [Elle] Shh, you don't want to wake up my parents.

- Shit.

Babe.

Babe.

Babe.

- Do you want me to stop?

- No.

(heavy breaths)

(Elle panting)

(moans)

- [Elle] Amateurs.

- I'm thinkin'

hairy, landing strip,

open faced roast beef sandwich.

- How very interesting, you're a true vulgarian, aren't you?

- You're the vulgarian, you fuck.

- Prison dude, shit.

- Yeah I don't want to talk about it.

- Look, I just want you-

- Dude, I don't want to talk about it.

You ever miss being single?

- Oh yeah, 'cause you make it look so desirable.

- You don't make a very good case for it.

- Hey, it's a lot of hard work but

sometimes it's worth it.

- I'll hand it to you,

Kat is smokin' but for every hot piece of ass

there's a a dude somewhere that's tired of fuckin' her.

- She doesn't give me enough to get tired of.

- I'm gettin' married tonight.

- [Cory] No.

- I'm goin' in.

- Don't- - They need me.

- [Cory] Oh god.

- So, my friend over here thinks

I'm out of my league but uh,

I'm thinkin' wet, wetter, and wettest?

(water runs)

- I love you.

- I know.

- We got a little crazy and had some fun.

- We're stoned.

- [Keith] It's not fun with just the two of us?

- I didn't say that.

- You said we had some fun.

- It was fun.

You thought so too.

I asked and you said not to stop.

- You didn't ask if I wanted him to stop.

- Keith, really semantics?

- If you didn't like it then we don't do it again.

- You want to do it again?

- Since when are you jealous?

- Since an old boyfriend fucked you in the ass.

- I have been with you for a long time.

You and only you.

- I know.

- And we both got shit out of our systems

before we met and I like to think we've had fun

experimenting with each other.

- [Keith] Oh yeah?

- Don't turn me into a cheap whore for doing something

that we both, that all three of us consented to.

- Did you like it?

- You asking me for the truth or a comforting lie?

- you fucking liked it.

- Yes, Keith.

I'm a heterosexual woman who enjoys sex

and what we did together with a very

trusted old friend was exciting.

- How long have you wanted to do this?

- I'm not having this conversation.

- How long, Elle?

Have I been boring you?

- Are we forgetting that not only

did you tell me not to stop but you finished.

You obviously weren't that turned off.

- Oh, so you now you think I'm gay.

- Yes!

I decided you must be fucking gay.

(somber music)

(pills rattle)

Would you think I was gay if we did it with another woman?

- Of course not!

- Oh no, of course not.

What's the difference Keith?

- The difference is he was inside you.

- So were you!

- I know I sound like an asshole

but what do you want me to do?

Just pretend that I'm cool?

I can't explain it, I'm not threatened by another woman.

- Of course you're not.

You're turned on.

Funny how it's okay for you to be turned on by two girls

but it's not okay for me to be turned on by two guys.

- Listen to me Elle, he was inside you!

He was inside you!

I don't know why that puts me in a rage but it does.

I feel violated.

- Dicks in two holes at once and you're the one

who feels violated.

- I thought you said you liked it.

- I did!

I'm just trying to show you how stupid you're being.

- Fuck Elle, I love you.

I fucking love you and I'm scared, okay?

I have no fucking idea how we got it so good

and sometimes I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I was terrified to meet your friends.

You never said anything bad about any of them

and you slept with three of them.

So I come up here to be a supportive husband

scared of death one of them won't like me

and added to the situation

I don't know how much whiskey, more pot

than I've smoked in all my teenage years and boom!

Here I am making love to my beautiful wife

while some dude's balls slap into mine.

- I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I just needed to feel close to somebody.

It was a mistake, it was my mistake.

Please don't blame her.

- Aaron- - No.

I invited everyone up here for,

for one last good time before I killed myself.

- Aaron, stop.

- No.

Chuck

was my partner.

We never told anyone because we knew

everyone would jump to bullshit conclusions-

- If he did anything to you when you were a kid,

it was a crime.

- Bingo.

Thank you for proving my point.

- You're hurt.

- No, stop.

Just listen.

- Okay, we're listening.

- It was an amazing

and forbidden fairy tale for 14 years.

The cancer just-

And then in two, in two years

he just wasted away.

There was nothing I could do.

- [Elle] It's gonna' be okay.

- Help me.

- We're here, we're all here.

- [Aaron] No, help me!

- We're here, Aaron, we're here.

- I took pills.

- [Keith] What did you take?

- What are you saying, what kind of pills?

- All of them.

Everything I had.

- What did you take, Aaron?

(Aaron sobs)

- Come on, come on.

Give it up, man!

Come on, give it up!

Give it up.

(Aaron gags)

Sorry buddy, we got to do this again.

Come on, give it up!

(Aaron gags)

Come on.

(vomit splashes)

One more time, one more time, come on.

(Aaron gags)

- I want him back.

- Water.

- [Aaron] I want him back.

(calming music)

- Hi sweetie.

How's everything going?

Good.

Where's grammy?

Yum, what's she making?

No, we haven't had breakfast yet.

I know crazy, we stayed up past our bedtime

then we slept in.

You put her on the phone?

Oh no,

no, no, no that's fine.

Just tell her I'll call in a little bit.

Okay, love you.

Bye.

- Kids fought the will tooth and nail,

but time they are changin'.

We were in the middle of our trial

when the Supreme Court finally made it's decision,

but the whole process took a lot longer.

From the day that he went to the day I got the deed,

it was almost 15 months.

I won.

I won and I don't even want the place.

- Oh, am I interrupting something?

- Kinda.

We had sex last night but it was just comfort sex

'cause Aaron misses his life partner Mr. K.

- I can't believe you.

- Does Keith know?

- Well, we didn't want him to feel left out

so we let him join in.

- Jesus.

- Oh shit.

If I'd had know sex with Aaron and Keith was an option,

I wouldn't have gone to the bar with Luke last night.

- Oh I did not expect happy faces this morning.

- Are you saying you didn't enjoy our company last night?

- Oh I did, it's just I thought um,

hangovers take twice as long to get over in your 30s.

- Is that true, Cory?

Do they take twice as long?

- Yes, God I hate you, yes.

- I'm sorry, I am sorry.

I'm gonna' make it up to you.

- Well, now that you're gay.

- In your dreams.

- You had as much as we did last night

and you seem pretty happy.

Did you work off some of the alcohol

before you went to sleep.

You did!

Oh my god, you did?

- Are you going to hell now?

- I mean, you may as well just

I don't know, start taking up false idols

and coveting thy neighbor's wife.

- Okay, okay you guys were right

and I don't think I'm gonna' be eternally punished,

but I was right too.

- You saw Jesus when you came.

- Gross.

- Does that mean you owe, I don't know, Nathan

like 30 sheep or something now?

- You're the gatekeeper and Nathan's the keymaster?

- I want you inside me!

- Oh, it sounds like you got at least two or three

people in there already.

- Just two, Keith and Aaron.

- Wow!

Really?

- We were jokin' about that right?

- Not joking, so how were you right?

- Well, don't you think it's just a little too coincidental

that after not giving myself to anybody for 20 years,

I see Nathan and everything falls into place.

- Both at the same time?

- Yup, so what are you saying?

That somehow he's the one?

- That's exactly what I'm saying

and it felt really good.

- I bet it did.

- It felt right.

- I didn't see a coffee pot so-

- Oh god, gimme!

- I did see old Keith here killing himself.

- I'm not used to running in these hills.

These are for you.

- [Cory] Why was he running in heels?

- [Nathan] Who wants the first cup?

- [Cory] Sweet caffeine.

- So, how was it for you?

- Jeez, kiss and tell much?

- I didn't say anything.

- The man is a Jedi, I couldn't break him.

He was as tight lipped as you were

until last night apparently.

- Oh, zing. - Wow.

- So, I'm a little slow this morning.

So, did your balls touch?

(laughs)

- You can't very well come in here this morning

slinging sex jokes in a group of people

who've known each other this long

and not expect retaliation.

- No, no, no, I accept it.

Yes Cory, indeed our testicles did touch.

- No need to worry, Keith.

They had a very manly feel.

- Thank you Aaron, I appreciate that.

- [Nathan] Why were balls touching?

You know what, nevermind.

I don't want to know.

- Hey, how's the old ball and chain.

- I am in for it, she was not in the room

when I got back last night.

- Should we be worried.

- Hardly.

I'm like a kid who gets the privilege

of sleeping next to her taken away when I've been bad.

She sleeps in the den more than the bedroom.

- Thank you for reminding me why I stay actively single.

- Sorry Cor, no fun.

- [Nathan] So, has anyone seen Luke?

I feel bad but I don't know what to say to him.

- Well, he was way too drunk to work his magic last night,

but that didn't stop him.

God bless him.

I couldn't hang so I just left him there,

but he said that he was going to get his dick wet

before prison if it was the last thing he did.

(laughs)

- [Elle] Breakfasts almost ready, guys.

- [Hannah] Cory?

- [Aaron] You okay?

- Excuse me for just a second.

- [Aaron] Cor?

- Kat!

- [Nathan] Cory, what's up man?

- Fuck.

Kat!

- Cory, let's not jump to conclusion.

- Oh man. - Cory!

- Kat, god damnit!

- Cor, calm down. - Where the hell are you?

- Kat!

Motherfucker!

What the fuck is wrong with me?

Luke!

Luke!

- [Nathan] Cory.

Cory.

- [Cory] Get your shit.

- Cory.

- Get your shit and get out of here.

- Stop, don't.

- Fuck me!

Damnit.

- Cory please.

- Get your shit, and go.

And I want you out of the apartment by the time I'm back.

- Cory.

- Do it!

(Kat cries)

- I'm sorry, guys.

- You know what, let's go for a walk.

Come on, come on.

Let's go.

- Some things never change, huh Luke?

- Real grown up, Cory.

Real fucking grown up to just walk away from your problems.

I messed up,

but let's not pretend that you didn't contribute

to the pile of shit that led my down this path.

I messed up okay?

Please give me a break!

It's not like you didn't fuck Miss Perfect over here.

- That was 20 years ago.

- Don't you fucking talk to me!

(car beeps)

(somber music)

- Last night meant something to me.

You're the only one I've ever done that with.

- That's a lot of pressure, Hannah.

- No, no, no.

Don't let there be any pressure.

There's no pressure.

- Hannah-

Hannah.

We were stoned.

I cherish you.

I cherish everyone here.

Even Luke.

I don't regret anything we did in high school

and I don't regret what happened last night, but-

- But I'm not the one.

- Hannah, Hannah.

There's no such thing.

There's no such thing as the perfect person

for anyone.

I know I-

- I get it.

(Hannah cries)

- [Keith] I wouldn't want to be held responsible

for my actions if I had a timer on freedom.

- Trust me, it's only a coincidence that he has that excuse.

- Jeez, did you even like him in high school?

- We were at the most fragile and insecure moments

in our lives and here comes this

self assured, determined man boy

who was ready to lead us into battle.

And even when he wasn't equipped himself,

loved the hell out of him.

Still do.

You doing okay?

- Somehow I'm okay now that Aaron's gay.

- One, he's gay, I'm pretty sure that means

he's always been gay.

Two, don't let it get out that

you prefer gay men in a three way.

- [Keith] Are we really staying another night?

- This party's over.

- [Aaron] Maybe things have boiled up enough

that you guys can actually work past

whatever it is you're really going through.

- Probably not.

- So is that it for you guys?

- Probably not.

What's next for you?

- Well, to tell you the truth I um,

kinda' went out of my way to not plan anything

after this weekend.

- Well that sounds amazing.

So, you've been gay this whole time?

(Aaron laughs)

Well, I hate to shit and run but-

- Cory, how I've missed you.

- How are you getting home?

- I hired a car.

- Pleasure seeing you again too, Luke.

We should do this more often.

- How about Vegas next time?

- I'm in.

- Can't argue, really.

I was a fucking brilliant Puck.

- I don't think this is what you had in mind,

but thanks for inviting us.

- [Keith] Nice to meet you.

Hey, keep CrossFitting.

- I will.

(laughs)

- Thank you.

- [Keith] Pleasure man.

- You okay?

- Yeah, thanks.

- Hey, now that you own the place,

maybe don't wait 20 years to invite us up here again?

♫ So give me the future

♫ That's all that I ask

♫ Pray tomorrow

♫ It won't be my last

♫ So give me the future

♫ Stay out of the past

♫ I used to hold you

♫ But you were holding me back

♫ Holding me back

♫ Remember I was holding on

♫ And you were letting go

- [Cory] Hello, you've reached Cory Spink.

I'm sorry I can't take your call right now

but leave your name and number and I'll give

you a call back, thanks.

(beeps)

- I'm sorry.

(cries)

- Luke!

Luke! - Luke!

♫ So give me the future

♫ Stay out of the past

♫ I used to hold you

♫ But you were holding me back

- Fuck you!

You suck!

I thought you were gonna' kill yourself!

- What?

- You told us you keep a gun in your trunk.

- I hate that I give a shit whether you live or die.

It just makes me a better fucking person than you.

She's my wife.

It's my fucking wife, man.

I hate you.

I fucking hate you!

♫ So give me the future

♫ That's all that I ask

♫ I pray tomorrow

♫ It won't be my last

♫ So give me the future

♫ Stay out of the past

♫ I used to hold you

♫ But you were holding me back

♫ Holding me back

♫ Holding me back

♫ Holding me back

♫ Holding me back

♫ Holding me back

- This settles it.

I am definitely the Dude.

(laughs)

- [Aaron] It's a pact, 4/20, 2017.

- [Cory] Oh, we're gonna' be so old!

- [Aaron] All right team, on my count.

One, two, three, break!

(upbeat music)

♫ Fire me up now

♫ Cause I'll take nothing more

♫ And all your words I

♫ Left them on the floor, the floor

♫ And take the light

♫ And while you can

♫ And leave a sun

♫ And make a stand

♫ And I'll be watchin'

♫ And I'll be waitin'

♫ And I'll be there for you

♫ I'm there

♫ And you're love it's so

♫ That I need, I need

♫ And your love, it's so

♫ That I need, I need

♫ Fire me up now

♫ Cause I'll take nothing less

♫ Than broken promises

♫ On a dirty street address

♫ Take the light

♫ And while you can

♫ And leave the sun

♫ And make a stand

♫ And I'll be watchin'

♫ And I'll be waitin'

♫ And I am there for you

♫ I'm there

♫ And your love it's so

♫ That I need, I need

♫ And your love it's so

♫ That I need, I need

♫ Waitin' for the

♫ Cold

♫ Waiting for the

♫ Cold

♫ Waiting for the

♫ Cold

♫ Though you make me feel

♫ You make me feel so small

♫ And your love it's so

♫ That I need, I need

♫ And your love, it's so

♫ That I need, I need

♫ That I need

♫ Fire me up now

♫ Cause I'll take nothing more

♫ And all your words I

♫ Left them on the floor, the floor

♫ Take the light

♫ And while you can

♫ And we the sun

♫ Will make a stand

♫ And I'll be watchin'

♫ And I'll be waitin'

♫ I am there for you

♫ I'm there

♫ And your love, it's so

♫ That I need, I need

♫ And your love, it's so

♫ That I need, I need

♫ And your love, it's so

♫ That I need, I need

♫ And your love, it's so

♫ That I need, I need