Original subtitles

(EXPECTANT MUSIC PLAYING)

- (WOMAN PANTING) - (FOOTSTEPS RUNNING)

(CONTINUES PANTING)

(EXHALES)

(SNIFFS, EXHALES)

(SNIPPING)

(EXHALES)

- Good morning, ladies. - (HENS CLUCKING)

Hello.

(IN SING-SONG VOICE) Hello!

(HENS CLUCKING)

Thank you.

(INHALES, EXHALES DEEPLY)

(EGGSHELLS SPLAT)

MAN: Mmm. (MUMBLING)

- (WHISPERS) Babe. - (MUMBLING)

- I need a second opinion. - (MUMBLES)

Oh. Okay.

(MAN GRUNTS SOFTLY)

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

- (WOMAN INHALES SHARPLY) - What is it?

(IN NORMAL VOICE) Um, it's a Douglas fir parfait.

Oh. (LAUGHS)

(CHUCKLES, EXHALES)

- Darling, what time is it? - Please.

Please can you just try it?

(EXPECTANT INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC CONTINUES)

(DOOR CREAKING)

(WOMAN BREATHING HEAVILY)

Hmm.

(MUSIC FADES)

(GRUNTS, EXHALES)

- Okay. - (CLICKS PEN)

So no gush or trickle or fluid

or unusual amount of dampness in your underwear?

- Uh-uh. - Mucus plug?

(EXHALES)

Who even are you? (LAUGHS)

(CHUCKLES) Erm, okay.

- (CHUCKLES) - Fluids?

Didn't you just ask me that question?

- No, to drink. Have you... - No, nothing.

(CHUCKLES) Jesus.

Make sure you keep drinking.

- Okay. - (SLAMS BOOK CLOSE)

(INHALES DEEPLY)

So as and when you, erm... You have any...

Yeah, you'll be the first to know.

(BREATHES DEEPLY)

(MONITOR BEEPING)

MALE STAFF MEMBER: Good to go on that.

FEMALE STAFF MEMBER: Just a little more.

- Table five. - Yes, Chef.

(BEEPS)

Sauce?

MALE STAFF MEMBER: Right, that's ready for service.

(CUTLERY CLINKS)

Don't look so terrified, Chef.

- That's fucking majestic. - Thank you, Chef.

- (CUTLERY CLATTERS) - (GROANS, WINCES)

FEMALE CHEF: Chef?

- (GROANS) - Do you need anything?

No, I'm fine, I'm fine.

Leave me alone. Go back to your station.

(GROANS, PANTS)

WOMAN: So what happens now?

DOCTOR: I'm going to recommend

starting with a course of chemotherapy.

Why not just remove it?

Sorry, I mean, why... Why can't we just operate?

- Honestly? - Yeah.

It's too big.

(INHALES) The first thing we have to do is shrink it.

Slow it down.

Once we achieve that, then we can operate.

And then... And then what?

Once you recover from surgery,

you'll need to complete

another course of chemotherapy.

We really don't want to be leaving anything behind here.

WOMAN: Hmm.

Given this is a reoccurrence,

we need an aggressive treatment plan.

Okay.

So...

Just to check that I... It would go...

- A course of chemotherapy... - Mmm-hmm.

...followed by surgery,

followed by another, hopefully final...

- course of chemotherapy? - DOCTOR: Correct.

MAN: Okay, great.

And what about work?

What about work?

Well, how much time off, do you think,

realistically, we should be considering?

What do you think?

Well, given the physical nature of your profession,

honestly, if you and your colleagues

can find a workable solution,

I would advocate stepping back.

(INDISTINCT ANNOUNCEMENT OVER PA SYSTEM)

WOMAN: Maybe it's time to finally get a dog.

I read somewhere that pets, dogs,

are really good for children,

helping them to cope with, like,

big, life stuff.

MAN: Hmm.

Because once they've gone through the death of a pet,

their ability

to handle all the other terrible shit goes up.

MAN: So...

So you think we should procure a dog

in order to end its life prematurely as a way of...

I'm obviously not suggesting we kill a dog.

- Maybe just a really old one. - (SNORTS)

(INHALES SHARPLY)

What... (CLEARS THROAT)

What would you say if I said to you...

Erm, I'm not sure...

I know how to go through all of that all over again?

- Erm... - 'Cos let's...

Let's just say...

Let's just say it goes to plan

and...

In whatever it is, like, six to eight months...

MAN: Mmm-hmm.

...I receive the all-clear and it's great

and all of a sudden,

it feels, like, great.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

That'd be great. Agreed, yeah.

But what happens if it doesn't?

All of a sudden you're in this weird position

where instead of making the most out of those...

six, seven, eight, maybe nine months,

you're gonna realise that all you did was go bald

and puke your guts up.

MAN: (SHAKILY) Mmm-hmm.

(CLICKS TONGUE) Okay. Yeah.

So you're saying that in that scenario,

for you it would be...

(CLICKS TONGUE) Erm, more about quality than quantity?

I'm saying I'm not particularly interested

in a treatment plan

that accidentally wastes our time.

I'm saying, in that particular scenario,

I'd much rather we...

We have six fucking amazing, fantastic, proactive months...

Than 12 really, really shitty passive ones.

I'm not saying I don't want to do the treatment.

I'm just saying... (BREATH TREMBLES)

I want it to be the right choice.

(SOLEMN MUSIC PLAYING)

(EXHALES SOFTLY)

(MOBILE PHONE VIBRATES)

(ALARM CLOCK RINGING)

(FAST-PACED GUITAR MUSIC PLAYING)

(ALARM SWITCHES OFF)

(WATER RUNNING)

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

- Knock, knock. - (EXHALES)

- Breakfast. You got time? - Yeah.

Kumquats or eggs?

- Mmm. - (BOTH CHUCKLE)

You tell me.

- Then dealer's choice it is. - (LAUGHS)

- Nice threads, by the way. - Oh.

Thanks, Dad.

(SIGHS)

Hello, my name is Tobias Durand.

And I'm part of the Weetabix IT team,

fulfilling the role of Master Data Steward.

WOMAN: Fabulous.

If you could just go ahead and tell me

what you had for breakfast this morning.

Honeyed kumquats on toast.

Followed by a bowl of Weetabix.

Okey-dokey.

(FAST-PACED GUITAR MUSIC CONTINUES)

TOBIAS: I think the thing that I enjoy most

about working here at Weetabix

is the feeling of family.

Despite the fact that we're all of us

part of a very large, global brand,

there's...

There's still a real family feeling.

(WOMAN EXHALES SOFTLY)

(EXHALES)

(GROANS)

(BREATHES HEAVILY)

(PAPER RUSTLING)

(EXHALES HEAVILY)

(SIGHS)

(SIGHING)

(PEN NIB SCRAPING)

(TAPPING)

(SIGHS)

(EXHALES) Okay.

(INHALES DEEPLY)

(WHISPERS) Okay.

(WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)

(CASH TILL BEEPING)

(KEYPAD BEEPS)

Divorce.

- (WHIMSICAL MUSIC CONTINUES) - (MACHINE SCRATCHING)

- (TYRES SCREECH) - (GRUNTING)

- (MUSIC STOPS) - (FAINT RINGING)

WOMAN 1 OVER PA: Patient number 14.

(FAINT RINGING)

(DISTANT INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(WOMAN 2 SIGHS)

(FAINT RINGING CONTINUES)

(SIGHS)

- (GASPS) - (RINGING STOPS)

They needed the bed back.

(WHISPERS) What's happened to my underwear?

(GASPS, WHISPERS) Oh, I literally have no idea.

(IN NORMAL VOICE) This, erm... This was all you...

All you had on you.

The Chocolate Orange was pronounced dead at the scene.

Er... Erm... (CHUCKLES)

I'm Almut, by the way.

Almut?

Almut.

Tobias.

So sorry, but do we know each other?

Oh. (INHALES)

Yeah... No. Erm...

Sorry. I...

I... I ran you over.

(EXHALES) Oh.

WOMAN 1 OVER PA: Patient number 17.

Sorry.

It's all right.

(COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING ON SPEAKERS)

Hello and welcome to Red Wagon Diner.

Here at Red Wagon Diner,

we pride ourselves on offering our customers

a taste of the classic '50s American diner

here on the great British roadside.

All our burgers are made to our special recipe

using 100% British beef

and our top dollar shakes are made

with real dairy ice cream to die for.

What can I get you?

TOBIAS: (CLICKS TONGUE) I work for Weetabix.

ALMUT: As in the breakfast cereal?

TOBIAS: Mmm-hmm.

Well, the company...

Sorry. The company also own...

Weetos, Alpen, Ready Brek. But, yeah.

Wow.

You must be really regular.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

- Ow, ow. - (LAUGHS)

Um, how... How about yourself?

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

I'm a chef/restaurant owner.

Oh.

Er, what kind of cuisine do you, er...

- (CHUCKLES) - ...do?

Er, modern European takes on classic Alpine dishes.

So, basically, Anglo-Bavarian.

Well, that's the plan, anyway.

Supposed to open in a few weeks.

- (CHUCKLES, INHALES) - How's it going?

Er...

- (CHUCKLES) - Oh.

- (LAUGHS) - Oh, no.

No, it's going fine.

It's gonna be great.

You should come.

No, honestly, I feel like that's the least I could do.

- Oh. - And your wife too.

(UPBEAT POP SONG PLAYING ON SPEAKERS)

- ALMUT: Darling? - Yeah?

ALMUT: Yeah.

There is something

that your daddy and I...

Something that mommy and me want to...

We want to talk to you about.

TOBIAS: Yeah. Something a little...

A little bit important, actually.

- It's a bit serious, though. - TOBIAS: Yeah.

(IN ADULT VOICE) Yeah, a bit serious

- and a bit grown-up. - Yeah.

A bit serious, a bit grown-up, a bit important.

ALMUT: Yeah.

(IN NORMAL VOICE) So mommy didn't realize it

but mommy's...

mommy's actually been feeling quite ill.

Got a bit of a tummy ache,

kind of a pretty nasty tummy ache.

And the doctors have basically said...

Hi, there! What a delicious looking ice cream sundae.

Yummo! (CHUCKLES)

My name's Noel. What's your name?

Ella, and I'm three.

BOTH: So sorry, we're actually in the middle...

How would you like to see me make

this entire bottle disappear?

- Yes, please. - Noel? Noel, seriously.

- We can't do this right now. - This is not a good time.

Will you help me say the magic words?

Noel!

Go... Go away. Go away.

Sorry, it's just not the time.

(TOBIAS SMACKS LIPS)

ALMUT AND TOBIAS: So...

- Where were we? - (BOTH LAUGH)

TOBIAS: Mmm-hmm!

- (IMITATES CARTOON PLAYFULLY) - (ELLA LAUGHS)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

TOBIAS: That's too much tea.

Can I make you one?

ALMUT: All right, you two.

It's bath time and it's bedtime for both of you.

TOBIAS: No. (CHUCKLES)

ALMUT: Am I gonna have to come and get you?

- TOBIAS: No. - Are you nodding?

- I'm gonna come and get you! - TOBIAS: Grab Teddy.

What are we gonna do? Do you want me to...

- Oh, I don't know if I can... - Oh!

- Sorry, mommy. (YELLS) - ALMUT: No!

- You tricked me! - (ELLA LAUGHS)

(ALMUT GROWLS PLAYFULLY)

TOBIAS: We're going all the way. We're going...

I like her best.

- Yep. - Yeah.

- And I like her best. - I know you do.

She has great hair, doesn't she?

You were really great with her this afternoon, by the way.

Yeah, well...

Yeah, I'm... I'm glad we decided just to talk to her

instead of killing a dog.

(BOTH LAUGH)

- ALMUT: Yeah. - (SNORTS)

(SOMBRE MUSIC PLAYING)

So...

I was thinking...

Maybe, erm,

we...

Should have some sex

before my treatment begins.

Now?

Mmm-hmm.

(I DARE YOU BY THE XX PLAYING)

♪ Oh, oh-oh ♪

♪ Go on, I dare you ♪

♪ Oh, oh-oh ♪

♪ I dare you ♪

♪ I can hear it now Like I heard it then ♪

♪ I can hear it now Like I heard it then ♪

♪ I can hear it now Like I heard it then ♪

♪ I can hear it now Like I heard it then ♪

(ALMUT CHUCKLES)

♪ Singing, oh, oh-oh ♪

♪ Go on, I dare you ♪

(TOBIAS SIGHS, INHALES)

(SONG FADES)

I meant to say,

I got the weirdest message from Simon.

(GRUNTS SOFTLY)

(INHALES) You know, Simon Maxson, my old boss?

Well, he, erm...

He wanted to know if I...

If I was interested in trying out for the Bocuse d'Or.

(INHALES DEEPLY)

(EXHALES)

As soon as all this is over,

we're... We're gonna make sure that you have

the opportunity and the time

to take on whatever it is you want.

But I really...

I really think that right now we ought to just slow down

- and focus on get... - Relax.

I said no.

(INHALES) Just thought it was interesting,

that's all.

(EXPECTANT MUSIC PLAYING)

- (GRUNTS, CHUCKLES) - ALMUT: Yes! (LAUGHS)

- Come on. - (BOTH CHUCKLE)

- (LAUGHS) That was perfect! - (CHUCKLES)

- That's a perfect throw. - (SQUEALS)

RADIO PRESENTER: Thank you for joining us

in the countdown to our New Year's Eve celebrations.

What are you up to tonight? Are you going out...

- (GASPS) Oh! - ...to watch some fireworks?

- Staying in with the kids? - ALMUT: Mmm.

Have you got friends coming round?

- ALMUT: Mmm! - Ring in and let us know

- what you're planning to do... - ALMUT: Thank you.

- Mmm! - (CRUNCHES)

Oh, fuck! Mmm, motherfucker! (INHALES SHARPLY)

- Oh! (MOANS) - (BEEPS)

They're definitely getting stronger, you know.

- TOBIAS: Mmm. - (MOANING)

(CLICKS STOPWATCH)

(ALMUT CONTINUES MOANING)

Lasting a minimum now of 60 seconds

every five to ten minutes.

(EXHALES HEAVILY)

Great. Thank you.

See you very soon.

(SNORTS)

(CHUCKLES)

(DOG BARKING IN DISTANCE)

- That's fine. - (EXHALES HEAVILY)

TOBIAS: That's fine. ALMUT: Yeah?

TOBIAS: Yeah. Yeah.

ALMUT: Mmm, hang on a second. Hang on.

Ooh. Yeah, yeah, take a moment.

Take a beat, take a beat.

(ALMUT BREATHES DEEPLY)

Okay. (EXHALES)

(SEAT BELT PULLS TAUT)

- Ready? - (SEAT BELT FASTENER CLICKS)

Okay.

- (ENGINE STARTS) - Here we go.

- (MUSIC FADES) - (ENGINE REVS)

(BRAKES SQUEAK)

(DOG BARKS IN DISTANCE)

(GEAR CLICKS)

- (ENGINE REVS) - (BRAKE ENGAGES)

- Sorry. - (BREATHES HEAVILY)

- (ENGINE REVVING) - Shit. I'm sorry.

I'm fine to walk. Honestly. Honestly.

- Fuck. I'm so sorry. - Honestly.

(ALMUT MOANS)

Fucking fuckface!

- Oh, this is ridiculous! - (MOANS)

- (ENGINE REVS) - (CAR ALARM BLARING)

- Very sorry. Sorry. - (ALMUT MOANING)

- (ENGINE REVS) - (CAR ALARMS BLARING)

(ALMUT MOANING)

- Oh, fuck! - (CAR ALARMS BLARING)

I'm sorry. Okay, okay. You okay?

Yeah.

NURSE: That's it. Well done. You're doing a great job.

Yes, you are.

Okay.

Well, good news is, mom and Dad,

the baby's heart rate is all good.

mom, same goes for your BP and pulse.

(ALMUT INHALES)

Bad news, I'm afraid, mom,

is that you're still only two centimetres,

if that.

So, I'm sorry, but you're going to have

to go back home again and wait.

(TOBIAS AND ALMUT CHUCKLE)

- I'm sorry. - (CHUCKLES)

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

(CHUCKLES) You wanted to see me, Chef?

I did, yeah. Please.

Er, actually, would you...

Would you mind closing the door?

- Oh, yeah, sure. - Wait, sorry. No, no. Sorry.

- My fault. - Oh.

(DOOR CREAKS, CLOSES)

(ALMUT CLEARS THROAT)

Chef, is this about the thing with the scallops?

What? No, no.

- Oh. - No.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Tell me something, Chef.

What... What do you know about the...

(DOOR CREAKS OPEN)

Do you need the room?

'Fraid so.

What do you know about the Bocuse d'Or?

Erm, I mean, it's like the...

The culinary Olympics. (CHUCKLES)

There is no higher accolade.

Sorry, Chef. We are running low on celeriac.

Strictly between us, Chef,

and I mean that, not a word to another soul,

I, erm...

I've been asked if I would like to compete this year

to represent the UK, and I...

I'd like you to be my commis.

- What? - But listen.

Holy shit, Chef!

We have two heats to get through.

And you seriously really need to consider...

- Chef, I'm in! - Time. Time, Chef.

You really need to think about time.

Chef, it's literally the easiest...

If we make it to the European heat,

that is three to four days a week minimum, training wise.

Make it to the final, that is five days a week.

- Five days, full time. - Chef, I'm in.

- And there'll be no let-up. - I'm in. 100%.

(SHIVERS)

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

(HEARTWARMING MUSIC PLAYING)

Let's get out of here.

(SCISSORS SNIPPING)

MAN: Mmm-hmm.

(TOBIAS CHUCKLES)

Yeah, I'm probably gonna have to wet-shave you back here.

It's looking a little furry.

Really?

- Oh. - Lovely.

Yeah, that's the ticket.

(TICKET MACHINE BEEPING)

(HEARTWARMING MUSIC CONTINUES)

I'm jealous. You realize that?

Jay Rayner just published a rave.

(TOBIAS SIGHS)

Okay.

- Okay. - Go on.

- You'll be fine. - All right, thanks. Bye.

(EXHALES)

Hi. How are you doing this evening?

- (INDISTINCT CHATTERING) - (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

Do you have a reservation with us?

Er, yeah. Tobi... Tobias Durand. I don't...

Oh, my God. Mr. Weetabix.

This is so great.

How's the arm? Poor thing.

(SCOFFS)

Oh.

- Yeah. - Well, listen.

We're so excited to have you with us this evening.

We're gonna make sure you have the time of your life.

I have you down as a table for two, correct?

Erm, no.

Sorry, that's my fault.

Just me in the end.

Oh, don't apologize.

- Follow me. - Okay.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER AND LAUGHTER)

I'll let Chef know you're here.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

A little something to get you started.

Oh.

Weisswurst amuse-bouche.

AKA Bavarian white sausage with a modern twist.

On top, we have for you a lemon mustard gel. Enjoy.

(SOFTLY) Thank you. Thank you.

(EXHALES)

- Hi. - Hi.

(ALMUT CHUCKLES)

Marks out of 10 for my tiny sausage?

- It's 10. - (GASPS)

(TOBIAS CHUCKLES)

I'm sorry to hear your wife couldn't make it.

Is everything all right?

Erm, we're actually not, erm...

Well, I mean...

Technically speaking, we still are but legally speaking...

we're also...

Divorced.

(UPBEAT POP SONG PLAYING)

(PANTING)

- Mmm. - (TOBIAS MOANS)

The back of your neck is so smooth.

- My dad shaved it for me. - (CHUCKLES)

Oh, is he some kind of barber?

- Architect. - Mmm.

(SONG CONTINUES)

(TOBIAS GRUNTS)

Oh, how is the neck, by the way?

Yeah, it's, erm, get... Getting there.

(BOTH PANTING)

I don't think I've ever had the pleasure

of sleeping with an invalid before.

- (BELT CLICKING) - (PANTING)

TOBIAS: Erm...

- What? - (PANTING)

I suppose I'm a bit, erm, out of practice.

I'm also just suddenly aware I...

I don't... I don't have any kind of prophylactic on me.

(SCOFFS)

Such low expectations.

(GRUNTS, PANTS)

ALMUT: Also, by the way, erm...

My staff are desperate to know if you get free Weetabix.

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

Well...

- (SHOE THUDS) - (EXHALES)

I can confirm to you

that on occasion,

I do have access

to complementary Weetabix, yeah.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(SONG FADES)

(CLICKING PEN)

- Morning. - Oh, er...

- (TOBIAS SIGHS) - Adrienne Duvall.

We worked together back in the day.

Oh. (CLEARS THROAT)

And it made me realise, well...

Quite so competitive? (CHUCKLES)

I probably ought to get going.

- (CLEARS THROAT) - Why?

Who says?

I don't know.

Er, you're right. I don't know why I said that.

I mean, unless you have shit to do, then...

(CHUCKLES) I have nothing.

But if you...

I mean, have shit to do, then, you know...

I have nothing.

(DREAMY MUSIC PLAYING)

(BOTH LAUGH FAINTLY)

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)

(DREAMY MUSIC CONTINUES)

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION CONTINUES)

Thank you.

ASSISTANT: Hello. How are you doing?

- ALMUT: Good, thank you. - TOBIAS: Hi.

ALMUT: Right, tasting time.

- (TOBIAS CHUCKLES) - Are you a cheese person?

(DREAMY MUSIC CONTINUES)

- (TOBIAS MUTTERS) - Mmm.

Do you like tapenade?

Okay, I'll... Thank you.

- Can I get these, please? - ASSISTANT: Of course.

- And do you want a coffee? - Sure, yeah.

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)

(DREAMY MUSIC CONTINUES)

(ALMUT LAUGHS)

Actually, that's not true.

- (EXHALES) - (MUSIC FADES)

A lot of it was decidedly unhappy.

We were starting to maybe think about children.

Then she got a position

in Sweden, which was...

Great for her.

(CHUCKLES)

So then we discussed it and then we tried it,

me here, her there,

both of us going back and forth depending.

And then eventually, she just said, oh,

she didn't want to do that any more.

I'm sorry.

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

(SNIFFLES) Adrienne really wanted us

to start thinking about family.

What did... What did you want?

(CHUCKLES) Erm, I...

I guess there's a world where...

Kids aren't really my thing.

Come on.

I'm gonna make you

the tastiest eggs of your life.

Right.

Do you know the best way to crack an egg?

(CHUCKLES)

Always on a flat surface.

What's the thinking behind the two bowls?

Practically speaking,

it's much easier to fish out a broken shell

from the one egg

rather than fishing it out from eight eggs.

- Mmm. - (EGG TAPPING)

(EGG CRACKING)

The versatility of the egg knows no bounds.

(EGGS TAPPING)

(BOTH BREATHING HEAVILY)

Oh.

(TOBIAS GROANS)

(TOBIAS EXHALES)

(GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING)

(BOTH LAUGH)

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

(TOBIAS BREATHES DEEPLY)

(ALMUT INHALES)

(TOBIAS BREATHING DEEPLY)

(ALMUT CHUCKLES)

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

(GENTLE MUSIC CONTINUES)

(CHUCKLES)

(EXHALES)

(MUSIC FADES)

You said something to me, erm...

Couple weeks ago.

You said... You said kids aren't really your thing.

That's fine. I mean, no. (SCOFFS)

Of course, it... Of course it is. Just, erm...

Truthfully, kids kind of might be, maybe, or...

Are my thing.

And, erm...

At least I think they might be, anyway.

And I... I hate...

(SIGHS) Hate to even have to, erm...

It's just diff... It's just different, isn't it?

You know, meeting someone at our age.

Whether we like it or not,

the clock is ticking.

I'm sorry, but what the actual fuck

are you even talking about right now?

Well...

(SIGHS)

It would seem to me preferable

to have a moderately-awkward conversation right now

rather than a completely destructive one

in five to ten years' time.

Firstly, I'm thirty-four, not fifty-fucking-five,

so how about we ease the fuck up on...

On the whole biological clock bullshit thing?

And secondly,

I don't know, I'm, like, "Back the fuck off."

And calm the fuck down.

What... What... What's the rush?

Because I'm worried

that's there's a very distinct and real possibility

that I am about to fall in love with you.

I'm sorry, I'm just not someone

who's interested in making that kind of a promise.

(SNORTS)

And in fact, there's this little bit of me that thinks,

"Fuck you" for even asking.

(CLICKS TONGUE)

(CLEARS THROAT)

(DOOR SHUTS)

(GENTLE SONG PLAYING SOFTLY IN ANOTHER ROOM)

(BAG THUDS ON TABLE)

(FLOORBOARDS CREAKING)

ALMUT: (CHUCKLES) Hi.

How was work?

Er...

Yeah.

(CLEARS THROAT)

- How was bedtime? - Yeah. (SOFTLY) It was fine.

(IN NORMAL VOICE) We read Julian Is A Mermaid.

- (SIGHS) A lot. - (CHUCKLES)

So...

You know, the day of your diagnosis,

you said something to me.

You said that you would rather have

six fucking fantastic months than 12...

Than 12 really shitty, passive ones.

Yeah, passive ones.

At that time, I was guilty of having

no coherent or cohesive response

but what you said has really, really stayed with me.

And I now do have a response

that I would like to share with you.

Okay.

Okay.

Erm...

(EXHALES) I'm sorry.

"Although...

"Although in the past,

- "you have..." - Mmm.

Erm...

- (SIGHS) What the... - It's all right.

- (SIGHS) - Take your time.

- I'm nervous. - It's okay.

Erm...

"Although...

"Although in the past, you have, erm..."

- I'm sorry. I'm sorry. - It's all right. Shall I...

I'm sorry.

(TOBIAS INHALES DEEPLY)

ALMUT: Here.

(PAGE RUSTLES)

(CLOSES BOOK)

(SONG FADES)

Fuck it. Let's do it.

Yeah, let's do it.

(ALMUT EXCLAIMS)

(GASPS)

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

- That too much? - (LAUGHS) Yes.

In for a heteronormative penny, in for a pound.

(EVERYTHING I AM IS YOURS BY VILLAGERS PLAYING)

♪ Balanced on desire ♪

♪ I cannot control ♪

♪ These ever-changing ways ♪

♪ So how can I be sure ♪

♪ The feeling will remain? ♪

♪ It'll always change ♪

♪ But everything I am ♪

♪ Is yours ♪

♪ Everything I am... ♪

- Pizza. - (BUTTON CLICKS)

(INTERCOM BUZZES)

(WOMEN LAUGHING AND CHATTERING)

Er, did anyone order a man as well as a pizza?

- WOMAN 1: I'll take him. - (WOMEN LAUGHING)

TOBIAS: I, er...

- Weetabix? - Hi.

- Oh. - Hi.

- Hi. - Well.

WOMAN 2: Welcome to my baby shower.

(WOMEN CHATTERING AND LAUGHING)

♪ Find it hard to say ♪

♪ What's going on inside... ♪

Apologies for the, erm...

Interruption?

- (EXHALES) - (WOMAN CLEARS THROAT)

I saw you the o... The o... Last week,

I was passing by the restaurant.

Erm...

And it made me realize, well...

(CHUCKLES) ...two things.

First of which, I was still quite angry with you

because although I might have been somewhat insensitive,

you were rude to me, which, yeah, a lot, hurt.

And the second thing,

I was guilty of focusing on the wrong,

erm... (SLAPS BOXES)

...thing, aspect.

Looking ahead instead of right...

In front of me, at you.

(SIGHS)

(EVERYTHING I AM IS YOURS BY VILLAGERS CONTINUES)

I knew he was gonna do that.

TOBIAS: So are you gonna catch mommy's hair?

Perfect, yeah. Open your little box.

- ELLA: Yeah. - (ELECTRIC RAZOR WHIRRS)

Aw, that felt like a good one.

- Oh, yeah. Nice and clean. - That sounded like...

- That's perfect! - It's nice and...

- TOBIAS: That's it. - (LAUGHS)

How much hair do you wanna keep, mommy?

(BOTH LAUGH)

- Yeah. Yeah, I got you. - (ALMUT GRUNTS)

- We're getting chunky now. - Yeah, just do it.

- We're getting chunky. - Oh, amazing.

Pat it down, Ells.

Good girl.

Hold that up there for me, darling. Thank you.

- Well done, girly. - Oh.

(CHUCKLES)

- Oh, lovely. - ELLA: Really nice.

- Really nice? - Really nice.

(ELLA AND TOBIAS IMITATE CHICKENS CLUCKING)

(ALMUT EXCLAIMS)

- TOBIAS: Whoa, okay. - (ALMUT LAUGHS)

- Wow. Wow. Mmm. - (TOBIAS KISSES)

Ooh, ooh.

- Aw. - ALMUT: Aw.

(ALMUT AND TOBIAS LAUGH)

(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)

(ALMUT VOCALISES A NOTE)

ELLA: You look beautiful.

TOBIAS: Doesn't she look so beautiful?

ELLA: Sorry.

(SOLEMN MUSIC PLAYING)

TOBIAS: Yes? ALMUT: Happy?

Yes.

(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)

Anywhere from 200 to 600 seated guests,

access to over four acres of private gardens.

Wow.

WOMAN: Along with its own secure car-parking area.

- Marble flooring. - TOBIAS: Wow.

WOMAN: Roman nobles.

Around about 120 guests,

expanding to around about 140 for your evening reception.

And the great hall is licensed for music and entertainment.

(ALMUT GASPS) Hear that, Ells?

- TOBIAS: Ooh. - Dancing.

(SOLEMN MUSIC CONTINUES)

Our conservatory is licensed for

up to and including 160 guests...

- (ALMUT GASPS) - ...for a seated dinner.

Or 200...

- Touch his bum. - (ELLA LAUGHS)

...for a standing buffet.

Fairy lights, optional extra.

ALMUT: (WHISPERS) Have you seen the ceiling?

Though I should add that the use of drones

- is strictly prohibited. - (ELLA GRUNTS)

(CAR DOOR OPENS)

(SIREN WAILS IN DISTANCE)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

NURSE: This one's going to take 20 minutes,

give or take, then we'll flush out the system

and get you started on number two.

Okay, thank you.

Right. Give us a shout if you need anything.

- Will do. - (MUSIC FADES)

(PAGES RUSTLING)

(SIGHS)

SIMON: Chefs, how are we all doing?

Sorry to keep you waiting.

Technical bullshit.

Apologies, everyone, for the delay.

Good news is, audience is in, ready and raring.

So, er, just a little heads-up from me.

Erm, I'll kick things off, a little intro,

little bit about me,

little bit about my role as Bocuse d'Or UK head coach.

Overview of the rules, what's up for grabs today,

place at the European semi-finals,

so on and so forth.

General frenzy-whipping.

Excitement. Good.

Any questions? Excellent.

All right, Chefs. Onwards.

(WOMEN CHUCKLE)

(CHUCKLES)

- Hello, you. - ALMUT: Hi! Hello.

(SIMON GROANS)

- Good to see ya. - Yeah.

- Congrats on the star. - Same to you.

Yeah, well, I think

I'm a little old hat at this point.

No.

This is Jade Khadime, my commis.

- And the real deal. - Hello, Jade.

Well, best of luck out there.

Excellent hair, by the way.

- Oh, thank you. - Yes.

(CHUCKLES)

Er, just gonna pop to the loo.

- (DOOR SLAMS) - Oh, fuck!

(EXHALES)

(BREATHES HEAVILY)

(GROANING)

(RETCHES)

(GROANS, SNIFFLES)

(PANTING)

(GRUNTS)

(RETCHING)

(BREATHES SHARPLY)

- (GAGS) - (DOOR OPENS)

JADE: Chef!

- (DOOR CLOSES) - Chef, they're ready for us.

It's fine, honestly. Honestly, I'm fine.

I'm... I'm... I'm coming.

Chef, are you using?

What?

Chefs' circle of trust, Chef.

(SCOFFS)

No.

No, I have stage three ovarian cancer.

(JADE EXHALES)

Do you want to call time on the whole competing thing?

No, I do not.

(SNIFFLES)

Thank you.

- (CLOTHES RUSTLE) - (ALMUT EXHALES)

Let's do it.

MAN: That's okay. Is that right?

- WOMAN: Yeah, it's fine. - MAN: That's brilliant.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

(INHALES DEEPLY) All right.

Best of luck out there, everyone.

(HOLD MY HAND BY JESS GLYNNE PLAYING)

♪ Darling, hold my hand ♪

♪ Oh, won't you Hold my hand? ♪

(SONG STOPS)

(BREATHING DEEPLY)

(CHUCKLES)

(GRUNTS, CHUCKLES)

(MOBILE PHONE VIBRATING)

(CHUCKLES)

TOBIAS: (WHISPERS) Hi.

Penny for your thoughts.

- ALMUT: (WHISPERS) Hi. Hi. - So.

TOBIAS: (SOFTLY) I think I like this one

but I suspect I'm pretty easy either way.

Could I sleep on it?

Yeah.

Yeah, absolutely.

What?

What's going on?

Tired.

(WHISPERS) Okay.

(GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING)

(TOBIAS EXHALES)

(ALMUT MOANS)

ALMUT: Okay. Huh, mmm-hmm.

- (WATER SLOSHES) - (ALMUT SIGHS)

(ALMUT MOANS SOFTLY)

(EXHALES)

Oh, don't forget your, erm...

- (WHISPERS) Waterproof. - (LAUGHS)

(ALMUT MOANS SOFTLY)

(TOBIAS EXHALES)

(INTERCOM BUZZES)

(SEMI-UPBEAT SONG PLAYING ON SPEAKERS)

- Hello. - WOMAN: It's us!

- (CHEERS) Hi! - (CHEERING OVER INTERCOM)

Okay, I'm gonna buzz you up.

- (INTERCOM BUZZES) - They're here.

TOBIAS: All right.

- (INDISTINCT CHATTER) - (HANDS CLAPPING)

- Mama! - Hello!

(CHUCKLING)

MOTHER: I love that dress. ALMUT: Thank you.

WOMAN: Kind of matches, actually.

Sorry I haven't brought you anything.

It's okay. You brought me a baby.

WOMAN: I brought you a baby. MOTHER: Ben, how are you?

- (BABY CRIES) - ALMUT: Oh, sorry, babies.

Babies want attention. Hi, hi.

(ALL CHATTERING)

- MAN: Unbelievable. - Hi, loves. Come on in.

- Wow! - Thank you. Wow!

- It goes back so far. - I know, and I have a bath.

- And a double bed. - Ah, hi.

- (CHUCKLES) - Go on.

WOMAN: You've never been here. MAN: Really, so grown-up.

Have you? I've just realized.

- It's so cool. - MAN: No, I haven't. No.

ALMUT: My goodness. Look at the little...

Hi! (CHUCKLES) Sorry, didn't mean to, er...

- Hi, I'm so sorry. - MAN: Hi.

- Hello. - Good to see you.

- I'm Almut's sister, Leah. - I'm Reginald.

- That's my dad, yeah. - REGINALD: Lovely to meet you.

Reginald, it's a pleasure to meet you.

MAN: It smells amazing. ALMUT: Thank you.

- Likewise. - MAN: Hi, I'm Almut's brother,

- Lucas. - Welcome, welcome.

Thank you, thank you.

Well, it's not my home, but I'm welcoming everyone anyway.

Hey, I'm the other brother, Ben.

- Hi. Hi. - Nice to meet you.

You too.

- Thanks for this. - Oh, pleasure.

Bea said we had to go to Salt Lake.

(MOTHER CHUCKLES)

She said, "You'll love it," she says.

And so... And so we're there and it's winter.

It's... It's snowing.

It's beautiful and, erm,

we decide to visit the Tabernacle.

- I don't know if you know it. - Oh, yeah.

- (ALMUT'S SIBLINGS AGREEING) - REGINALD: It's, erm...

Well, I don't even know how late

and, er, we've watched the sun go down.

And it's been the most...

You know,

the most wonderful day of our entire fucking lives.

(CHUCKLES)

And I turned to her and I said... I say...

(CHUCKLING) "Bea, don't know about you,

"but I think this is how

"I'd like to spend the rest of my life."

- (CHUCKLES) - No ring, nothing, just...

- Said it. - And what did she say?

"Don't be so fucking sentimental."

(ALL LAUGHING)

"I don't need a roomful of people and a piece of paper

"to know I want to spend the rest of my life with you,"

- she said. - Yeah.

- Amen. - SYLVIA: Yeah.

So when were you... When were you all in Salt Lake?

Erm, 15 years ago.

- Give or take. - Business or pleasure?

What? What's going on? (LAUGHS)

I... I just happened to be in a competition that year, so...

Happened, just...

- Don't. - Competition?

What sort of a competition?

ALMUT: It was, erm...

I used to... I used to figure-skate.

LUCAS: Erm... ISU World Championships. (LAUGHS)

She was unbe-fucking-lievable.

I can't believe you haven't told these guys this.

- ALMUT: Stop. - LUCAS: It was, it was.

- Check it out. - No.

- LUCAS: Check it out. - You have to see this,

- Reginald, it's... - I'm speechless.

- ...absolutely remarkable. - LUCAS: Here she goes.

Here she goes. Here she goes.

(CROWD CHEERING ON PHONE)

- (LUCAS CHEERS) - BROTHERS: Oh!

- This is you? - LUCAS: Yeah, watch this.

(CROWD CHEERING ON PHONE)

- (WHOOPS) - Oh!

- Oh, my goodness me. - (CHUCKLES)

ALMUT: Stop. Stop, stop. Please. I said no.

I said no.

- You should be proud. - Yeah, bloody marvelous.

(SARCASTICALLY) Thanks, mom.

(CHUCKLES)

(SOFTLY) Yeah.

(IN NORMAL VOICE) Wine. Anyone for any wine?

You know it isn't even just you?

(PLATES CLATTERING)

Like, honest to God, no one knows about it.

TOBIAS: (SOFTLY) Thank you.

It was Dad who got me into skating.

(CUTLERY CLATTERS IN SINK)

I think he actually really wanted a sporty child and...

And I suppose I was his last chance.

And I guess...

He was right to push me

because it turned out I fucking loved it

and I was really good at it.

(BOTH LAUGH)

And in the beginning, he would drive me to Swindon

virtually every weekend.

TOBIAS: Hmm.

And then when he was ill, when he was sick, I...

I wanted to help out and...

I took some time off from it.

And then...

After that,

skating without him around was just joyless.

So you just stopped?

(INHALES DEEPLY)

I think it just really reminded me of him.

(EXHALES)

(WINCES)

- You okay? - (GROANS)

- What? - I think I'm gonna be sick.

- Okay. - (GASPING IN PAIN)

Whoa, whoa. Okay.

I'm cautiously optimistic

we're dealing with an infection.

But, listen, once the fluid is out,

we're gonna run some tests,

and if we find anything, you'll be the first to know.

- Okay. - In the meantime,

I'd like to get you started with some antibiotics,

just to help with the pain.

- All right? - ALMUT: Mmm-hmm.

- Okay? - ALMUT: Mmm-hmm.

- Thank you. - Pleasure.

(ALMUT CLEARS THROAT)

(DOG BARKING IN DISTANCE)

ALMUT: Tobias, I had a call from the hospital.

They called to see if I could come in, and so I did.

Speaking.

They said it wasn't an infection.

What is it?

What is it?

I've made notes.

Erm,

they are recommending

either a partial or a full-blown hysterectomy.

(MOBILE PHONE SLAPPING)

Your note-taking is incredibly thorough, by the way.

(CLICKS TONGUE) Every cloud...

All right, so let me just check, I...

- Mmm-hmm. - Option One would be...

If we ever want to conceive naturally...

Freeze embryos.

- Mmm. - (CLICKS TONGUE)

- Followed by... - Surgery.

So removing one ovary, not both.

- Followed by... - Chemo. Shit.

Shit ton of chemo.

- Followed by... - Shagging.

Or, well, yeah, whatever. IVF.

Oh, I... I vote shagging, but okay.

(CHUCKLES)

- (SNIFFLES) - Alternatively, Option Two.

Way more invasive but way lower risk of relapse.

Ovaries and uterus, they take it.

They take it all.

(SOFTLY) Okay.

Okay.

- (IN NORMAL VOICE) I think... - Listen... Oh, sorry.

- No. Do you want... - No. No, you.

Okay.

I guess...

I think, unless you think I'm...

Insane, I think I am inclined

to say that I would...

I would like to hang on to at least one of my...

Fucking addled cancer-ridden ovaries.

Because, well...

Just because I never, in a general sense,

saw myself having kids,

doesn't mean that there isn't a world

where I couldn't see myself, in time,

deciding to have them with you.

(ETHEREAL MUSIC PLAYING)

(TOBIAS SIGHS)

(IMPERCEPTIBLE)

(FEET SHUFFLING)

(PEOPLE CHEERING FAINTLY)

(MUSIC TURNS JOYFUL)

I'm in remission.

(BOTH LAUGH)

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

TOBIAS: We should do something to celebrate.

(ALMUT SQUEALS)

(LAUGHS)

- Come on! Come on! - (WHOOPS)

(GRUNTS, LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS)

- ...the throne or something. - What? (LAUGHS)

No.

(SCREAMS, LAUGHS)

That serves you right.

- Everything's great! - Everything's fine.

(JOYFUL MUSIC CONTINUES)

TOBIAS: Wait, wait, wait, wait!

(ALMUT SCREAMS)

(TIMER BEEPING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.

- (PANTING) - (ALMUT LAUGHS)

(TOBIAS MUTTERS)

(ALMUT LAUGHS)

(PANTING)

(MUSIC SLOWS)

(KNOCKING)

(BREATHES DEEPLY)

(CHUCKLES)

- (EXHALES) - (TIMER BEEPING)

(GASPS)

(MUSIC CRESCENDOS)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(MUSIC FADES)

FEMALE VOICE ON SPEAKER: Breathe in.

(INHALES DEEPLY)

FEMALE VOICE: Breathe out.

(EXHALES DEEPLY)

TOBIAS: Ooh.

- FEMALE VOICE: Breathe in. - (ALMUT MOANS)

(CONTINUES MOANING)

One second.

(HORN TOOTS)

(HORNS BLARING)

(SIGHS) Oh, fuck me.

FEMALE VOICE: Feeling relaxed and calm.

(ENGINE RUNNING)

Almut?

Al? Almut?

(HORN BLARES)

(ALMUT MOANING)

(HORNS BLARING)

(IMPERCEPTIBLE)

- (ALMUT MOANS) - (CASH TILL BEEPING)

(BREATHES HEAVILY)

(POP SONG PLAYING ON SPEAKERS)

TOBIAS: (WHISPERS) Come on, come on, come on, come on.

(ALMUT MOANS)

(EXHALES HEAVILY)

Oh.

I'm gonna get a drink. (GROANS)

CASHIER: That is... Yes, £20 with the fuel.

- (ALMUT MOANING) - CASHIER: Thank you. Cheers.

Thank you.

Hiya.

(GROANS) Oh, shit.

(FRIDGE DOOR CLOSES)

- Sorry. Thank you. - Hiya.

- TOBIAS: Hi, how are you? - Yeah, good, thank you.

- There you go. Any fuel? - Er, no.

(CASH TILL BEEPING)

Sorry.

Al?

(CASH TILL BEEPS)

Al? Al?

Sorry. One second, sorry.

(DOOR CLOSES)

- (KNOCKING) - Al?

- ALMUT: Mmm-hmm? - Hi. Everything okay?

ALMUT: Hmm. Kind of.

- What? - ALMUT: Erm... (MOANS)

Well, you see, I thought... I thought I needed a poo.

- Yeah. - And, er,

- now that I'm in here... - Yeah?

...I think I might need to push.

No. No, no. No, no.

No! Okay?

Sorry, but you can't push.

If you let me in, I can... I can help.

We have biscuits now, Al. We have biscuits, okay?

- ALMUT: Okay. - Okay, come on. Let me in.

- ALMUT: Oh, no, I can't. - (DOOR RATTLING)

What? Just un... Unlock it and open it.

I can't. It's not happening. It's not... It's not working.

- Wait. - (DOOR RATTLING)

Sorry. I'm sorry. My, erm...

My partner is stuck in the, erm...

Do you have the... For the... The key for the...

- Yeah. - So sorry, er...

(KEYS JANGLING)

- Thank you. - Hey, Jane, I'll just...

Okay, Al, we have the key. We have the key, don't worry.

- It's okay. Sorry about this. - (DOOR CLOSES)

- No, no, it's fine. - Thank you very much.

Okay.

Okay, just... Just don't push, Al.

Whatever you do, just don't pu...

(METAL SNAPPING, CLINKING)

Erm, it's just... Got broken off.

Erm...

- So, Al? - ALMUT: Yeah?

I'm gonna need you to stand back, okay?

- ALMUT: What? - Standing... Standing back

- away from the door. - Wait, wait, wait. Why?

All the way back. Right the way back. All right?

- ALMUT: Why? - I'm so, so sorry.

I think she might be about to give birth.

(GRUNTING)

- (CONTINUES GRUNTING) - (DOOR POUNDING)

- Yeah, erm... - Maybe...

I'll... I'll... I'm gonna get Jane, 'cause she'll know...

Okay, get Jane. Jane? Jane?

Jane, pregnant lady stuck in the khazi.

(POUNDING CONTINUES)

- Just bear with me. - Fine.

The key snapped in the...

- How many weeks? - Forty.

Huh. Mazel tov.

(DOOR SLAMS)

(JANE GRUNTS SOFTLY)

(GRUNTS LOUDLY)

(TENSE MUSIC PLAYING)

- (CONTINUES GRUNTING) - Okay.

- (GRUNTING) - (DOOR POUNDING)

Keep standing back, Al.

- Shall I have a go? - Yeah, yeah.

(STRAINS, GRUNTS) No, it's not. Nah.

Okay. Okay, Al, still standing back?

Okay?

(STRAINS, GRUNTS)

- (GRUNTS) - (HANDLE CLATTERS)

(TOBIAS BREATHES HEAVILY)

- Hi. - I can't. I'm sorry.

What... What do you mean, you can't?

Move. I can't. I'm sorry.

I can feel it.

- (HESITATING) No. - Mmm.

- No, I know, but we can't. - Mmm.

We have to... We don't... Not... Not here.

- We... We don't... It's not... - Mmm, listen to me.

- It's not safe. - It's just coming. It is.

It is. It's coming. I can feel it. I can feel it.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry but I... It's... This is...

It's it. It's it. It's it.

(ALMUT INHALES DEEPLY)

(MOANING)

TOBIAS: Yeah, it seems like we have

almost everything we need.

- Except for a midwife. - (LAUGHING)

- Except for a midwife. - Yeah. (MOANS)

(EXHALES NERVOUSLY)

- (GROANS) - Ooh. Ah. Ah.

OPERATOR ON MOBILE PHONE: Is that a push I hear there?

Yeah, I think this might... This might be a push.

- Do you wanna push? - Yeah.

- Yes, she wants to push. - Yeah.

Watch your head. Watch your head. Watch your head.

(ALMUT GROANS)

Understood, yeah. She... She... She can push.

(GROANING)

Al, Al, I'm gonna have to check again

to see if I can see any body parts. Is that okay?

I'm not exactly in a position to say no, am I?

- TOBIAS: Okay. - (GROANS)

(PANTS, GROANS)

- Yes, I can see the head. - ALMUT: Wait, what?

- What? Tobias? - Shh. Erm... Sorry.

- Wait, no, I'm sorry, no. - Tobias? Tobias?

Sorry, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Okay, listen to me. You've got this.

- A head? - TOBIAS: Sorry, sorry.

I'm gonna put you on speakerphone.

Hold on one second. Can you, can you, can you...

JANE: Dig deep, babe. CASHIER: I got it.

- Thank you. Sorry, still here. - OPERATOR: Hello?

Can you say that last bit again, please?

With each contraction, place the palm of your hand...

JANE: Listen, you're doing brilliantly.

...against the vagina

and apply firm but gentle pressure

- to keep baby's head... - To keep baby inside?

- No. - No, Christ!

- No, please do not do that. - No.

- (ALMUT MOANS) - You do not want to keep

- the baby inside. - Right.

You want to apply firm but gentle pressure

to keep baby's head from delivering too fast

and tearing.

Sorry. Sorry. Understood, yes. Understood.

- Oh, my God. - Do you understand?

Yes, yes, got it now. Sorry.

- How is mom doing now? - (GROANS)

TOBIAS: How's mom doing now?

Oh. Tell her it feels like

a huge fucking lump between my legs.

She says it feels like she's got a lump between her legs.

- A huge fucking lump. - I'm sorry.

A huge fucking lump between her legs.

Yeah. (GRUNTS)

Is there anyone else there with you?

Yeah, we're actually... I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, I don't know their names.

- Er, Sanjaya. - TOBIAS: Sanjaya.

- Jane, hi. - Hi.

Could one of you do me a favour

- and go and make sure... - (ALMUT MOANS)

...the front door is unlocked and open?

Yeah. It's a... It's a petrol station.

Yeah, it's a petrol station. You just walk straight in.

(GROANS LOUDLY)

Ooh, I can feel it, I can feel it.

The head, it's coming. It's coming.

- (MOANING) - TOBIAS: Okay, here we go.

- Here we go. - (ALMUT GROANS)

TOBIAS: Whoa-ho!

JANE: Lean into me. That's it.

There's a face! There's a face!

There's a face! I mean, a head.

There's a head! It's great.

- Head's out. - (JANE LAUGHS)

- Oh, my God! - You're amazing.

Yeah, she's doing great. She is. She's doing great.

You're doing great. You're doing so fucking great!

- (MOANS) - TOBIAS: Oh, my God!

- (EXHALES) - TOBIAS: All right, yes!

Got the shoulders. Shoulders are out.

- (ALMUT STRAINING) - JANE: That's it.

Yes. That's it. That's it.

- (YELPING) - TOBIAS: Ah. Oh. She's out.

- TOBIAS: Yes, yes! You did it! - Oh! Oh, my God. She is?

OPERATOR: That's great. That's fantastic.

Is baby crying, Dad? Is baby breathing?

- (BABY CRYING) - Both.

- Both. - We did it!

- We did it! - Wow!

You are incredible.

What I need you to do now, is get a clean towel

and gently wipe and dry baby off, okay, Dad?

- Yeah. Yeah. - Nose and mouth first.

- All right? - JANE: She's gorgeous.

TOBIAS: Yeah, okay. JANE: She's gorgeous.

- Can I see her? - TOBIAS: Yeah, she's coming.

Can you put that towel underneath for me?

ALMUT: Can I see her? I have to see her.

- She's coming. She's coming. - Oh, my God. There she is.

- Thank you, Sanjaya. - (BABY CRYING)

- ALMUT: Hi. - TOBIAS: That's your mommy.

That's your mommy.

I can hear her. You did say "her", didn't you, "she"?

Her. She. (LAUGHING)

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Congratulations, Mom and Dad.

Now, I need you to make sure

baby is wrapped in a towel, okay?

- Yeah. Yeah, yeah. - Can you do that for me, Dad?

ALMUT: Ah.

Without pulling the cord too tight,

I want you to put baby in mom's arms, all right?

Al, Al, Al.

And I'm gonna need you to make sure

that mom and baby are kept warm, okay?

- Yeah. - ALMUT: Hi.

- I've got you. - TOBIAS: Yeah.

Oh, my God. Hi!

Oh, she's beautiful!

Thanks, Jane.

- (BABY CRYING) - Shh.

Dad, I've got some good news.

Ambulance should be with you any minute now, all right?

Okay.

In the meantime, contractions might start up again, okay...

Do you want the... Yeah.

...because mom's got to deliver the placenta,

so I'm going to need you to try and keep her nice and calm

- and warm. Okay? - Yeah.

Okay, I can do that.

(GENTLE PIANO MUSIC PLAYING)

Yeah.

(BABY COOS SOFTLY)

(HYDRAULIC RAMP WHIRRING)

(DOORS CLOSE)

(ENGINE STARTS)

(WHISPERS) Happy New Year.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

(ALMUT INHALES SHARPLY)

RADIO PRESENTER: ...Happy New Year...

TOBIAS: (INHALES) Happy New Year.

Happy New Year.

(FIREWORKS FIZZING)

(MUSIC FADES)

DOCTOR: Not only have we been unable to shrink the tumor,

but in fact the disease seems to have metastasised.

Which means, I'm afraid,

we're still not in a position to operate.

But there are plenty of reasons to remain positive.

Other treatment options are still available.

Failure first time around has almost no bearing whatsoever

on the likelihood of second-line success.

(ALMUT SIGHS)

It's fine. I'm fine.

I'm okay. It's okay, honestly.

(MOUTHS) Yeah.

It's okay not to be okay.

It's a lot.

You've been through a lot, both of you.

(STOMACH GURGLES) Gosh. Christ.

- Sorry. - (BOTH LAUGHING)

(CHUCKLES)

(DRAWER OPENS)

- Oh, my God. Are you sure? - (TOBIAS LAUGHS)

Not exactly haute cuisine. (CHUCKLES)

Thank you.

(SWEET WRAPPER RUSTLES)

Oh. (MOUTHS) Thanks.

ALMUT: What did you go for?

(SOFTLY) Twix.

- (IN NORMAL VOICE) Nice. - Yeah.

- What about you? - Bounty.

- (DOCTOR CHUCKLES) - (TOBIAS EXHALES)

When in Rome. (CHUCKLES)

Meant to ask, erm...

I have a feeling my 4:00 is gonna overrun.

I don't suppose

there's any chance you might be able to do pick-up?

Erm, only if you have the time.

- Definitely. - Thank you. That'd be great.

Pleasure.

(CROWD CHEERING OVER SPEAKER)

SIMON: Okay, so that is 15 minutes over.

(SOFTLY) Fuck.

Sixteen.

Fuck, fuck. It's fucked. Stop.

It's fucked. It's... We're...

We're still far too fucking slow on the prep.

And this whole sous vide situation

- is fucking killing us! - All right. All right. Easy.

Let's take five.

No, I don't wanna take a break.

I don't wanna take five. I wanna go back to the start.

I need to look at the plans. I need to look at the timings.

I need to figure this shit the fuck out.

Sick of this shit!

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Yeah, you're right. Let's take a break.

Let's take five.

(SIREN WAILING FAINTLY)

(MOANS SOFTLY)

(GAGS, RETCHES)

(GROANS)

- (GAGS) - (OPENS BOTTLE)

(INHALES)

(RAIN PATTERING)

(CROWD CHEERING ON SPEAKER)

(IMPLEMENTS CLATTER)

Right, what's next?

- Octopus? - SIMON: Yep.

(CROWD CONTINUES CHEERING)

TOBIAS: Where the hell were you?

You said you were gonna

- do pick-up. - I was in the restaurant.

- Oh, my God. - No.

You weren't in the restaurant, cos I spoke to Skye.

She didn't know where the hell you were either.

Was everything okay with the... With the pick-up?

No, not particularly.

(CHUCKLES INCREDULOUSLY) Jesus.

I was this close to calling round A&E departments.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.

Erm...

I'm in training for the Bocuse d'Or.

Hmm.

- Beg your pardon? - Not... Not the final.

Just the Euros.

We, erm... We won the UK heat.

How long?

- Huh? - How long have you been

prioritising fucking cooking instead of getting better?

Er, the UK heat was back in October

and the, er, Euro qualifiers are coming up soon.

Do... Do the hospital know? Did they, erm...

Did you... Please.

Please. Please tell me that...

That they, erm, and that you...

What difference does it make if they know?

Oh, grow up, will you, Almut?

You have cancer.

You have cancer, Al.

No, you grow up, you fucking dick.

The difference this could make is...

(BREATHING HEAVILY) It's vast.

Why? Why are you taking the risk?

- Isn't it obvious? - No, actually, it's not.

- Not to me. - I'm... I'm not exactly

gonna get the chance again, am I?

What is that supposed to mean? In what reality...

It means I'm not particularly interested

in dying with fuck all to show for it.

Oh, okay.

So we're not... We're not enough for you?

Is that... Is that what it is?

(LAUGHS SARDONICALLY)

Award-winning chef

cum-former figure-skating nutcase...

No, now you're just being mean.

No, no, no. No, I'm not.

I'm... I'm honestly... I'm trying to understand

what it is that motivates an otherwise perfectly sane...

Of course you factor into my thinking, you fuck!

Okay, so, then, I don't understand.

I'm sorry.

But, I really... Honest to God, I don't.

Maybe... I mean, Jesus! (WHIMPERS)

I mean, did it ever occur to you

that maybe I don't wanna just be someone's dead fucking mom?

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

I mean, at this point nothing terrifies me more

than the thought of having her

having nothing whatsoever to remember me by.

And it's like there's this... This bit of me

that is fucking desperate for her to know

that I didn't just give up.

And wouldn't it be quite the thing

if maybe one day she decided to look back on this time,

she actually chose to look back

on this entire godforsaken episode and thought,

"Wow, that's my mom"?

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

I don't...

I don't want my relationship with Ella

to be solely defined by my decline.

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

(FLOORBOARDS CREAK)

(PANTS)

(GROANS, SNIFFLES)

Or maybe I actually just can't bear

the thought of being forgotten. (SNIFFLES)

I'm not sure which is worse.

(CHAIR DRAGS)

(STIFLES SOB)

Wanting us to remember your achievements

is one thing.

Wanting us to somehow remember your achievements

that we have absolutely no fucking knowledge of...

Okay, I get it, I fucked up. I fucked up. Please stop.

Please. Please stop going on about it.

(SNIFFLES)

(EXHALES)

When is it?

(SIGHS) The thing?

The European qualifying, what... Whatever?

June.

June?

June the, erm...

It's the 5th and 6th of June.

(CHUCKLES)

Oh, right.

- (CHUCKLES INCREDULOUSLY) - I'm so sorry, Tobias.

- (SIGHS) - I am.

(SOMBRE MUSIC PLAYING)

(TOBIAS SIGHS)

(GATE LOCK CLICKS OPEN)

(RUSTLING)

(SIGHING)

(EXHALES)

(CHURCH BELL TOLLING)

(SOMBRE MUSIC CONTINUES)

(PANTING)

(CONTINUES PANTING)

(DOOR BELL RINGS)

Aerodynamic, innit?

(CROWD CHEERING)

(MALE HOST SPEAKING ITALIAN IN HALL)

(DOOR CLOSES)

(IN ENGLISH) Chef, I think I might be about to throw up.

(ALMUT LAUGHS)

Oh, shit. Erm, do you... Do you have a buck...

Can I have a bucket?

- Like a cup, or... - (SIMON SPEAKING ITALIAN)

(IN ENGLISH) Okay, there you go.

(RETCHES)

Okay.

(ALMUT SPEAKS ITALIAN)

(EXHALES DEEPLY)

- Better? - Oui, Chef.

- (SNICKERS) - (CHUCKLES, EXHALES)

Sometimes, Chef, inside just wants out.

(BOTH LAUGH)

- Okay? - Yeah.

JADE: Yeah. ALMUT: Let's do it.

- (MALE HOST SPEAKING ITALIAN) - (CROWD CHEERING)

(LEVELS BY AVICII PLAYING ON SPEAKER)

♪ I get a good feeling, yeah ♪

♪ Get a feeling that I never Never knew before ♪

♪ I get a good feeling, yeah ♪

♪ Oh, oh, sometimes... ♪

(MALE HOST SPEAKING ITALIAN)

(IN ENGLISH) Please welcome the United Kingdom,

Almut Bruhl and Jade Khadim.

Come on, England! I can't hear you!

FEMALE HOST: Impressive start

with a plate presentation.

MALE HOST: Please welcome Norway.

Vigo Hansen and Soren Hansen.

(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

(FEMALE HOST SPEAKING ITALIAN)

AUDIENCE MEMBER: (IN ENGLISH) Come on, you Brits!

(CROWD CHEERING)

(SONG FADES)

(MALE HOST SPEAKING ITALIAN)

(IN ENGLISH) Ready, go.

- (EXCITING MUSIC PLAYING) - Here we go.

FEMALE HOST: United Kingdom.

- (KLAXON BLARES) - Start!

(WHISKING CONTINUES)

(CONTESTANT SPEAKING ITALIAN)

TOBIAS: That's your mom.

MAN 1: Team UK! Team UK! WOMAN 1: Go on, Team UK!

MAN 2: Come on, GB!

(FOOD SIZZLING)

(FEMALE HOST SPEAKING ITALIAN)

- (CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING) - (WOMAN 2 SHOUTS IN CROWD)

(SPEAKS NORWEGIAN)

(MALE HOST SPEAKING ITALIAN)

(TIMER BEEPING)

(FEMALE HOST SPEAKING ITALIAN)

SIMON: (IN ENGLISH) Okay, let's get them out.

ALMUT: Yeah, yeah, yeah, coming.

Here we go.

- WAITER: Thank you. - Well done.

- (CROWD CHEERING) - SIMON: Good.

TOBIAS: Let's go, mom! Let's go, Almut!

(WHOOPING)

- (TIMER BEEPING) - (GROANS)

(TRUMPETS SOUNDING)

(MALE HOST SPEAKING ITALIAN)

(WOMAN 3 CHEERING INDISTINCTLY)

TOBIAS: (IN ENGLISH) Whoa.

(FEMALE HOST SPEAKING ITALIAN)

(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING)

(CROWD CHEERING)

(IMPERCEPTIBLE)

MAN 3: (IN ENGLISH) Go, go, go...

FEMALE HOST: Team United Kingdom,

thirty seconds to finish.

- (CROWD CHEERING, APPLAUDING) - TOBIAS: Let's go, Almut!

(GROANS, WINCES)

WOMAN 4: Keep going! MAN 4: Down to the wire, guys!

Couple more seconds. Come on!

FEMALE HOST: Ten, nine, eight...

CROWD: Seven, six, five, four,

three, two, one.

- Yes! All right! - (BELL GONGS)

- SIMON: All right? - Yeah.

- Yeah. Yeah. - TOBIAS: Yeah.

SIMON: One, two, three.

- FEMALE HOST: United Kingdom! - Well done, well done.

(MUTTERS, LAUGHS)

(TRUMPETS PLAYING OH WHEN THE SAINTS)

(SIGHS)

(FEMALE HOST SPEAKING ITALIAN)

She did it. She did it.

(MUSIC TURNS HEARTWARMING)

(EXHALES, SOBS)

I did it. (SOBS)

(CHEERING FADES)

(MOUTHS) Amazing.

(MOUTHS) I love you.

(INHALES, EXHALES)

(EXHALES)

(MUSIC TURNS GENTLE)

Chef?

(SNIFFLES)

(SNIFFLES)

(ALMUT EXHALES)

I'll see you soon, Chef. (INHALES SHARPLY)

(GENTLE MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING)

(IMPERCEPTIBLE)

(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

(IN ENGLISH) Oh. Hi.

Come on.

Let's go.

(ALMUT, TOBIAS LAUGH)

ALMUT: Ready? And we're off.

Turning.

(ALMUT IMITATES MECHANICAL WHINING)

- (LAUGHING) - It's good.

It's good.

(GASPS) Ooh.

Ooh!

(ALMUT IMITATES ENGINE STUTTERING)

(ALMUT LAUGHS)

- Okay. Watch mommy. - Okay.

TOBIAS: There she goes.

Bye, mommy!

Bye!

(SKATES SCRAPING ON ICE)

Mwah!

(MUSIC FADES)

(BIRDS CHIRPING FAINTLY)

TOBIAS: Okay.

- (DOG PANTING) - Okay.

Let's put them on the table, yeah?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Cos it's egg time.

- Hi, Belinda. Hi, Barry. - (HENS CLUCKING)

How's that look?

- Good? - Yeah. Yeah.

- In the basket. - Yep.

In the basket, please.

Check that one for me, please, egg-checker.

How many eggs do you want, darling?

ELLA: Five.

TOBIAS: You can have as many as you want. Five is good.

- ELLA: Yep. - Yep.

- Oh, yeah, check that. - ELLA: Yep. Yep.

(TOBIAS WHISTLES MERRILY)

One, two, jump. What a jump!

(EXHALES)

Okay, do you remember

the best way to crack an egg?

Always on a flat surface, yeah?

- ELLA: Yeah. - And then in there.

(SOFTLY) That goes in there.

- (EGG SPLATS IN BOWL) - You want to try?

(EGGSHELL CRACKING)

(WHISPERS) You got it. You got it.

Open that a bit there.

- Ah, yeah, you did it. - (LAUGHING)

(CHUCKLES)

Stop.

Perfect.

ELLA: No shells.

TOBIAS: (LAUGHS) There's no shells?

- Okay, so next... - Yeah?

(GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING)

- Bye-bye. - (BOTH LAUGH)

- Bye. - (BOTH LAUGH)

- Bye-bye. - (BOTH LAUGH)

(GENTLE MUSIC CONTINUES)

(I'M ON YOUR TEAM BY ROMY & SAMPHA PLAYING)

ROMY: ♪ My defense is down ♪

♪ I want you to surround me ♪

♪ Anytime I go out ♪

♪ You're still the only sound that I hear ♪

♪ You've taken me to higher ground ♪

♪ I'm never coming down ♪

♪ Even when we're in a crowd ♪

♪ It's like there's no one else around ♪

ROMY AND SAMPHA: ♪ And I ♪

♪ Hope the way I feel tonight ♪

♪ Is the way I ♪

♪ Feel ♪

♪ For life ♪

♪ Is the way I ♪

♪ Feel ♪

♪ For life ♪

SAMPHA: ♪ I know it gets hard ♪

♪ We both know we're still learning ♪

♪ Still learning ♪

♪ Let your troubles out ♪

♪ They will never be a burden ♪

♪ You put your trust in me ♪

♪ I'll show you I deserve it ♪

♪ All I ever need ♪

♪ Is right under your surface ♪

ROMY AND SAMPHA: ♪ And I ♪

♪ Hope the way I feel tonight ♪

♪ Is the way I ♪

♪ Feel ♪

♪ For life ♪

♪ Is the way I ♪

♪ Feel ♪

♪ For life ♪

SAMPHA: ♪ Listen to me ♪

♪ Oh, me ♪

♪ There's something I've not told you ♪

♪ I'm on your team ♪

♪ Your team ♪

♪ But I can't always coach you ♪

♪ There's no in-between ♪

♪ Between ♪

♪ I want the truth only ♪

♪ Could you love me wholly ♪

ROMY: ♪ I know it gets hard ♪

♪ We both know we're still learning ♪

(MUSIC FADES)