Original subtitles

[sighs] Do you know what today is?

Of course I do.

But you're so pretty when you say it, so you say it.

No, it's just Friday, or, as I like to call it, "Fri-yay."

[laughs] So what do you say we live it up

and try that new restaurant, Jalapeño Kevin's?

Ooh, I've been wanting to go there because the name sounds exotic,

but it has "Kevin" in it, so I know it won't be too spicy.

Yeah. Hey, remember how much we liked Hong Kong Dave's?

Mm, yeah. Oh, but we can't. We have date night with Don and Marcy.

Oh, yeah. They won't try a new place. They always just want to go to Mick's.

Yeah. Every week, it's the same: Order burgers, then Marcy sends hers back

because it's too well-done or not well-done enough.

It's never just right. She's the Goldilocks of burgers.

You know I love Don and Marcy, but we're kind of in a rut.

Hey, what if we say one of the kids is sick and we cancel,

and then we go to Jalapeño Kevin's?

Honey, we can't do that. He's my brother. We love them.

I know.

I said we loved them before you said we loved them.

It's just-- [sighs] I don't know. We've all been together a long time.

Yeah. It's like a marriage.

[chuckles]

But not this marriage. No, no, no. Every moment with you is a gift.

Uh-huh.

-Anybody want a snack? -What do you got?

Pocket bacon.

What kind of bacon?

He carries bacon everywhere in case of emergencies.

My car runs into a snowbank,

I can last a week with just the bacon I have on me.

He's also been tackled by dogs four times.

Thanks for explaining, but I was never seriously considering it.

I've got to head out anyway.

Oh. Hot date?

Yep. She's a mobile cat groomer.

I met her in the Band-Aid aisle at the drug store.

Boy, I am glad I got married

before I hit the cat-groomer phase of being single.

Hey, don't forget we have couples dinner tonight.

How could I forget?

We do couples dinner at Mick's almost every week.

How about next week, instead of dinner at Mick's...

-Yeah? -...we do dinner at Mick's,

followed by a jug band concert?

Is it just jugs?

It's a whole band. There's washboards, banjos, spoons.

So any instrument a Muppet would play?

That's a pass.

Okay,

but this is your only chance to yell "nice jugs" without getting in trouble.

Stop what you're doing. I got great news. Don just called and canceled dinner.

-Marcy sprained her ankle! -[gasps]

Yay! I mean, oh, sad for Marcy, but now it really is Fri-yay.

Yeah. Don said she has to stay home and ice it.

Well, then, I think tonight is all about you, me and Jalapeño Kevin.

[both laugh]

The only threesome I will ever agree to.

Eh, we'll talk after a couple margaritas.

This place is great. My drink is blue.

It's a blu-garita, Adam! [laughs]

And it has a gummy jalapeño in it.

Because it's Jalapeño Kevin's.

They got their thinking caps on in the head office.

-Hmm. -[laughter]

[chattering]

What's Don doing here? He's supposed to be home taking care of Marcy.

Maybe he came to pick up food for her and ran into friends.

That makes sense. He said she couldn't get out of bed.

Aw. Wait, there's Marcy.

¡Olé!

That better mean "ouch" in Spanish.

[theme music playing]

I can't believe they ditched us!

After we didn't ditch them.

You know why? Because we're good people. It's our worst quality.

Why didn't you let me go over and say something?

'Cause I didn't want you to make a scene. You were so mad your lips got blue.

That was from the blu-garita.

Oh.

But I am mad. Don and Marcy cheated on us!

I know. After we gave them the best years of our lives.

Yeah. And how do they repay us? By olé-ing with some other couple.

So what do we do?

We're gonna do what I should've done when my first boyfriend cheated on me:

talk face-to-face.

Oh.

You know, instead of just telling everybody he had crabs. [chuckles]

I learn something new about you every day.

[chuckles]

Hey, Don.

Still stuck at home with Marcy, huh?

Yeah. I haven't left the house.

Hey, remind me, how did you say Marcy hurt her ankle?

Oh, she was playing street ball with some neighborhood toughs.

We saw you guys at Jalapeño Kevin's.

Hmm, I'm not aware of that establishment.

We have evidence.

Yeah, we took a picture of you eating the other half of those enchiladas.

Here it is: you and Marcy with strangers.

And they don't look like a couple of ankle doctors.

Well, that's not us.

-Wha-- -How could that possibly not be you?

Everyone in the world's got a look-alike.

It's weird that Marcy's and mine are together.

I guess we were meant to be.

Can you believe this? We know you're lying.

You're right. He is lying.

We went out with another couple last night.

-And it felt good. -[laughs]

We did things we haven't done in years.

We don't need the details of your night out with the floozies.

-Yeah. We couldn't care less about them. -Hmm.

We don't care who they are or where they came from.

So who are they, and where'd they come from?

-Tina and Trevor. -Yeah.

We call them "TNT," 'cause they're dynamite.

They sound stupid.

Look, the fact is, this thing hasn't been good for a while.

We're all just going through the motions.

Well, we feel the same way, but we didn't go behind your backs.

We just talked about it behind your backs.

Well, if you feel the same way, I think it's time for a break.

Wait a minute. You're breaking up with us?

You're breaking up with us?

You. [scoffs] Us?

Unbelievable.

We are the best thing that ever happened to you.

So good luck with your new couple.

-I heard they have crabs. -Yeah.

The only way to get over this is to get right back on the horse.

We need to get with a new couple as soon as possible.

They don't even have to be good-looking.

Yeah, what we need is a rebound couple.

-A confidence booster. -Mm-hmm.

Right. Get with someone else. That's what I did when I got dumped.

"Get with"? What does that mean?

Is that like "hook up"? What does "hook up" mean?

Listen, there's a parent mixer for my class coming up.

You should go.

-That's a great idea. -What?

Those things are full of people so lonely they'll go to a parents mixer.

We're gonna clean up.

All right.

Let's get out there, put our beer goggles on and see who we come home with.

[chattering]

I'm a little nervous.

Babe, we have no reason to be.

Don and Marcy don't know what they lost, okay?

We're Willy Wonka, and these people just got golden tickets. [chuckles]

But we don't know anybody here.

Well, I know that guy. His name's Bob. Hey, Bob.

-I think his name is Jim. -Hey, Jim, you seen Bob?

I think we might be a little rusty at this.

Come on. This place is full of lonely couples.

It's a real meat market.

Well, take a seat, and let's do a little window shopping.

-[sighs] -Hey.

How about those guys?

No, nope. Not talking to a guy who wears flip-flops after dark.

-Ugh. -Let's keep looking.

[gasps]

-Oh! Oh. -[gasps]

Adam!

I'm too strong.

Stick those back in there.

Welcome to our home. Ah, I see you found our favorite chair.

It's their favorite chair, Adam.

Well, I can see why. [chuckles]

In fact, I think I might just sit in this thing all night.

Maybe even until you go up to bed. [chuckles]

It was the last thing my grandfather made before he passed away.

Dead grandpa's homemade chair, Adam.

Is that guy stealing your silverware?

My bad. He's just eating.

Nice to meet you. I'm Wally.

[sighs]

Adam.

I think your grandpa would want you to have this.

That was a long, quiet walk to the front door.

[chuckles softly]

Lot of pictures of that grandfather, too, I noticed.

You know what the worst part is? I can't tell Don the story.

He hates antiques. He loves breaking things.

It's perfect for him.

[chuckles] Yeah. They would've thought it was funny.

And then we would've thought it was funny.

-There's no substitute for best friends. -Mm.

Although these do help.

Oh, no. There's Don and Marcy.

With their trashy new couple.

Look how young they are. What a cliché.

Hey, guys. I'd like you to meet our friends, Tina and Trevor.

-Hi. -Nice to meet you.

It's funny they're your friends. From far away, they look like your kids.

That's right. Too young.

Tina's a fitness instructor. Poke her six-pack. Rock-solid.

Nah, that's okay, I'm good.

Come on, go for it.

All right, I'll touch her. I don't want to be rude. [chuckles]

So this must be really hard for you because you're alone and we're not.

Oh, you think we're alone? [chuckles] No, no. We are not alone.

-Right, Adam? -Right.

Yeah, we're meeting our new friends here too.

You already met somebody? We just broke up.

That's what happens when you let the best thing in your life go.

Mm-hmm. We're a catch, and we got caught.

Mm-hmm.

In fact, there they are. Hey, guys.

Sorry we're late. We're talking to this super boring couple over here.

[chuckles]

Well, enjoy your dinner.

Make sure they give you the crayons with your kids' menu.

[both laugh]

-Are we really doing this? -We have to. They're watching.

[both] Hi!

Do we know you?

Not yet. [chuckles]

Look, I know this sounds crazy,

but we saw you from across the room and thought maybe we should be friends.

It's not crazy.

We're Buddhists, and we believe the universe brought you to us.

Uh-oh.

I'm Mason, and this is my wife, Bessica.

I'm sorry, did you say Jessica?

No, Bessica.

I was born Jessica, but there were so many, I changed it.

And I figured, why not be the best Jessica?

Bessica.

Oh. Sounds like a lot of paperwork for nothing.

[chuckles] Uh, I'm Adam and this is--

Bandi. The best Andi.

Are you guys Buddhists too?

[both laugh]

What are they talking about?

Looks like they're talking about... nudists.

Adam and I always wanted to meet nudists. We have so many questions,

like, if you're talking to a nudist,

and you're sitting down and he's standing up,

what are you talking to?

So, what do you guys do on the weekends?

Oh, we watch a lot of cooking shows.

Mm, but they're all the same, so I was thinking,

what about a show where you can only cook what you kill?

It's called Cook What You Kill.

Sorry, we don't own a television. [chuckles]

We just like to talk to each other.

Well, call us in ten years, tell us how that's going.

So, you guys are Buddhists, huh?

What's the shortest way to explain that?

Well, it's about everything and nothing.

Huh. Jump in anytime here, Bandi.

Okay, uh, well, how does it affect your life?

For one thing, we don't eat meat.

Yeah, but bacon's cool, right?

[Adam chuckles]

And we're enlightened, so we don't feel anger.

-What if someone cuts you off in traffic? -We have compassion for them.

I have to be honest: You saying that makes me feel a little angry.

You have to learn to look at things through your third eye.

You mean my butt?

And we had to sit there for three hours

because we couldn't leave before Don and Marcy.

-It was a Mexican restaurant standoff. -Yeah.

But on the way home, we realized we already love you.

And since you're dating the cat groomer, the four of us could be couple friends.

Oh, that's over. I thought she took my breath away,

but it turns out I'm deathly allergic to cats.

-I found out in the ambulance. -Ugh.

Well, if Lowell's out, that means we're gonna be alone forever.

That's not true.

You just have to visualize what you want and go out and get it.

Who's your dream couple?

I don't know. Just someone more like us. Bacon eaters.

People who think it's funny when we break old chairs.

Yeah.

People who, when you meet 'em, you feel like you already know 'em.

So you're looking for bacon lovers that laugh at other people's misfortunes

who you already know.

[both] Yeah.

That's Don and Marcy.

What?

Don carries pocket bacon.

And every winter, Marcy hoses down her front walk so people slip on the ice.

Oh, yeah.

You're looking for them.

Oh, my God, we are.

Yeah, and they were right in front of us this whole time.

Maybe we were in a rut

because we stopped noticing what was so great about them.

Guys, this is like the plot of every romantic comedy.

I wouldn't be surprised if you opened that door,

and they were standing there holding a boom box over their heads.

Well, it was worth a shot.

I want our friends back. How do we get 'em back?

Well, uh, in the movies, you need a grand gesture.

Like in The Notebook,

Ryan Gosling wrote Rachel McAdams a letter every day for a year.

We don't have that kind of time!

Ooh.

-But I do have an idea. Come on, come on. -[gasps]

Yes. Go to them.

I'm crying because of the cat allergy, not because of this.

So now Adam and Andi have new couple friends, and we're alone again.

What happened to the broad with the iron stomach?

She was gonna let me hit her with a board.

Nah, they're out. They don't watch TV. They talk to each other.

Sounds like they're in a cult.

So we were thinking maybe you could be our couple friends.

That's a nice offer, son, but your mother doesn't really care for Marcy.

I think what your father was trying to say is,

we've been here 20 minutes, but it seems a lot longer.

Yeah, well, the clock's not ticking any faster over here, Bev.

Well, we've insulted each other. I think it's time to go.

Hey, Ma.

Oh, nice to see you, son who didn't marry Marcy.

What's her deal?

We stirred the pot. Enjoy the stew.

-What are you doing here? -Uh...

Listen, we know you're happy with your new couple, but...

we went out there looking for something better, and we couldn't find it.

Well, that means a lot. [chuckles] And, to be honest, neither could we.

Also, Marcy didn't really hurt her ankle.

You guys are perfect for us.

I mean, I guess what I'm trying to say is, you know,

we're just a couple standing in front of another couple,

asking them to love us.

What's that? What are we doing?

It's from Notting Hill.

Look, you're our best friends, and--

we're sorry that we took you for granted.

-[sighs] -We got lazy too.

We could've said something instead of going behind your back.

You know what, we could all be a little more honest with each other.

Like, you should've told us you wanted to go to Jalapeño Kevin's.

We thought you didn't want to try anything new. You made fun of the jug band.

You mean this jug band?

You got us tickets? You remembered.

Yeah, it's a grand gesture to show you how much you mean to us.

I got to tell you, that touches my heart.

Hey, you guys want to go to Mick's and get a burger?

-Oh, that sounds great. -[chuckling]

So, what's new with you guys?

-Adam broke a dead guy's chair. -[gasps] Sounds funny. Save it for dinner.

Oh, I can't wait to tell you my new idea for a cooking show.

Check it out. You got to cook what you kill.

Ooh. You should call it Cook What You Kill.

That's what I was thinking.

I'm so glad we're friends again. We're gonna be millionaires.

-Whoa, "we"? -Yeah.

What do you mean, "we"? It was my idea.

[continues, indistinct]

Now, just remember the jug band isn't for us, it's for our friends.

Right. We just want them to have a good time.

-Hey. -Hey.

[jug band playing]

[cheering]

That was awesome!

Nice jugs!