Original subtitles

So, Andi, maybe we should have dinner on my new boat tonight.

I worry she feels lonely out there in the driveway.

Adam, a boat doesn't have feelings. It's a boat.

That's not very nice. She never says anything bad about you.

Hey, Mom. Could you drop me at the mall after school?

I picked up an extra shift at the store.

Aw, of course I can, my little working girl.

[chuckles]

Maybe we don't call our daughter a working girl.

I am so proud of you for getting this job.

-You made me do it. -Yeah.

You know, this job is gonna look great on your college applications.

So you can thank me now

or when you're accepting your Nobel Prize, your choice.

Thank you, Mom.

I am so excited for her.

Yeah, you know who I'm excited for?

Me. I have a boat.

I'm gonna go spend some time with her before work.

Wait, you're just gonna go sit on it alone in the driveway?

Yeah, so the neighbors see me.

You thought you were the coolest guy in the neighborhood, Dune Buggy Steve?

Not anymore!

Hey, Teddy.

How's it feel to be the son of a boat owner?

No, thanks, I'm not hungry.

What? Where's my boat?

What? Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Teddy, she's gone!

Fine, I'll have a bagel.

[splutters]

-What? -My boat is gone, Andi! I can't find it!

-Andi, we're running! -Oh!

Look, Andi, no boat!

What about that boat?

What?

But it was gone.

And now it's here.

What's happening? Something's happening.

Something seems to be happening to you.

Teddy was here. He'll tell you.

Teddy, did you see who took the boat?

The boat's right there.

I'll bet you Dune Buggy Steve's kid saw something!

[theme music playing]

Hey, Lowell.

Where's Don?

He took your dad to Happy Burger.

Again?

He said he wanted to share the best burger in the world with family.

But I'm in that family. Why didn't they invite me?

You don't want any part of that.

It's 9:00 in the morning. Who eats burgers for breakfast?

Yeah, after Don started eating ice cream sandwiches as regular sandwiches,

there were no more rules.

Listen, I got a problem.

Someone took my boat last night, and then they brought it back.

-Whoa, that's weird. -Yeah.

Maybe it's not such a big deal since it's home again.

Well, it is a big deal. I feel violated.

Imagine if someone came to your house and took something you loved.

Someone did. He took my wife.

Yes.

Now, imagine if your wife was as fun as a boat.

I gotta figure out who did this.

Well, I'd be happy to help. I love a good mystery.

After my divorce, I was alone so much,

I watched every episode of Murder, She Wrote.

Lowell, please, I am depressed enough as it is.

Don't be. With your good looks and my hours of lonely research,

there's no mystery we can't solve.

Come on, Detective Handsome. Let's crack this case.

Solid nickname.

Hold on, Lowell. Check this out.

It's a hat.

I can do better.

It's a hat!

This is my dad's hat.

Oh, so your dad took your boat.

It makes perfect sense.

-My dad loves night fishing. -There's your motive.

Yeah, I just need to make sure this is his.

I can't accuse him without proof.

But he is definitely suspect number one.

I think what you mean is, when it comes to suspects,

it looks like your dad just threw his hat into the ring.

Okay, if we're gonna be partners, you can't say stuff like that.

All right, no one's home. I'm gonna check if my dad's hat is here.

If it's not, we'll have proof he's the boat thief.

Oh, look at this.

My dad and Don at a Steelers game. Jeez.

Wait a minute.

I was in this picture.

[gasps] That's my arm!

They cropped me out!

And you were in the middle.

That's hard to do. This was no accident.

Lowell, the hat's not here.

Which means this is my dad's hat, which means we got him.

What are we doing, boys?

All right, we're here because someone took my boat out,

and I thought it was you because I found your hat.

But now you're wearing it, which means this is bigger than I thought.

Or smaller.

Or the same.

I didn't take your boat.

If I wanted to use it, I'd make you hitch it up,

drive me to the lake, and pay for everything.

Yeah, that sounds right to me.

So whose hat is this?

A tale of two hats.

That's what they would call the episode if it was Murder, She Wrote.

Great show.

I love a foxy, young detective.

Hey.

Mom? What are you doing here? You just dropped me off.

Don't think of me as Mom, just think of me as a random customer

who's here to take pictures of you she can post on Facebook.

Ooh, pretend like you're saying something into your headset.

Security, we've got a crazy mom in junior accessories.

Ah!

Ma'am, can I help you find something?

Like a store that's more age-appropriate?

Excuse me?

Mom, this is my boss, Karen.

Oh! Well, then, no, thank you.

I am already being helped by the best salesperson ever

who said I'm the perfect age for this store.

So how's your shift going?

Oh, you are not gonna believe what happened.

Karen told me if I keep up the good work,

I could be assistant manager in a year.

Oh. Okay, but in a year,

you're gonna be getting ready to go to college.

Or will I?

See, normally people go to college to get a job,

but I already have one, so I don't need college.

Oh, bonus, I won't have to take the SATs next week.

Looks like someone gets to sleep in on Saturday.

But-- But-- But what about your future?

Huh? I mean, this job isn't gonna pay you enough to...

I don't know, buy a house, huh?

I mean, where are you gonna raise your kids?

Relax, I have a plan.

You give me the money you were gonna give me to go to college.

I'll use that to buy a house.

That's college-level thinking without college-level work.

On second thought, maybe you don't want kids.

They're too stressful.

Okay, so it's not my dad. Did you see anything else up there?

I found a gray hair that seemed promising, but then I remembered.

Remembered what?

Well, you know...

What I know is, the most majestic mountains are covered in snow.

And that this thing did me no good.

Hey!

-Look at this. -Don't eat that.

-It's covered in germs. -What?

No, this is from Happy Burger.

Don's favorite place.

In my trash, next to my boat.

Case closed, we got him.

Oh.

Don, there you are.

Look what I found in the trash next to my boat.

A Happy Burger wrapper!

So you know.

I know everything. [chuckles]

Fine, I admit it.

Sometimes in the afternoon, I leave work and take a nap in your bed.

You what?

And usually on the way, I pick up a burger.

They're delicious, and they make me sleepy.

I'm talking about you snuck my boat out last night.

I would never do that. I'm not a boat-stealer.

I'm a sneaky sleeper. That's the worst you can pin on me.

Give it up, Don. I know you took it.

I didn't do it.

If you don't believe me, ask Dad.

What does Dad know about it?

We were up late last night watching kung fu movies together.

-Well... -Now, if you'll excuse me,

this conversation has made me very sleepy.

You know where to find me.

So your dad's his alibi.

Well, of course he is. They're always together.

[scoffs]

Wait a minute.

Do you think they took your boat together?

That would make sense.

Yeah, Dad doesn't want to do the work, but Don will.

And Don doesn't know how to do the work, but Dad can tell him.

Together they make one boat-stealing, burger-eating,

kung-fu-watching criminal!

So we finally cracked the case.

They were in on it together.

It figures. You know, this is just another thing they're doing without me.

[scoffs] And that's why there's two hats.

One for Dad and one for his favorite son.

Boy, I gotta tell you, Lowell. This really hurts.

We could get matching hats if that would make you feel better.

It might make me feel worse.

Buy 'em anyway, though. We'll see.

What are you doing?

I'm cutting my dad and Don out of family photos.

What are you doing?

Well, that's from Don's wedding.

So now it just looks like you married Marcy.

She wishes. [laughs]

My dad and Don have found a new and even more hurtful way of excluding me.

They're the ones that took my boat out last night.

Without me. My boat, no me.

Oh, honey, I'm so sorry.

Yeah. I'm just sick of their fun little club for two.

It's so-- it's stupid, and I don't even want to be in it,

but I want to be in it so bad.

[exhales]

Well, I know this isn't a great time, but I have more bad news.

Kate doesn't want to go to college.

What? Where did that come from?

Well, she has a job now, so she says she doesn't need college.

She made the whole decision without me.

I gave her confidence, and then she uses it against me.

That's what family does.

They hurt us, Andi.

You know what? You shouldn't stand for it.

You're a great son and a great brother, and you deserve better.

Well, you're a great mom and you deserve better.

Wait a minute. Why are we taking this lying down?

Yeah.

What are we, doormats?

No. We are not doormats. We are...

What's the opposite of doormats?

-Doors? -That's right. We're doors.

Yeah. And we're sturdy.

And if you want to get anywhere, you gotta come through us.

-[chuckles] -Yeah, but be careful,

or we'll slam your fingers.

That's right, honey. (mutters)

-Yeah. Okay. Let's go slam some fingers! -Yes.

Dad? I want to talk to you-- Oh.

Of course, you're together.

We're watching Finding Bigfoot.

So far, nothing.

But that's my favorite show, and I always have to watch it alone.

You know, one day they'll find him,

and I won't have anybody to celebrate with.

What's wrong, boy? You got a burr in your butt?

I'll tell you what's in my butt, the two of you.

I know you took my boat out last night,

and I know you got matching blue hats to wear when you did it.

Because you exclude me.

-We don't exclude you. -Yeah, you do.

And I'm not gonna take it anymore, because I am a door.

Someone's at the door?

I mean, look at this picture.

Huh? You cropped me out.

Look. Cropped: to exclude.

I've never seen that before.

Yeah, right. You know what?

From now on, I am excluding the two of you.

So when you don't call, I won't be available.

What was that about?

I think he's mad because I sleep in his bed sometimes.

Oh, good. You're back.

That's right. 'Cause you're quitting this job.

-No, I'm not. -Yes, you are.

No, I'm not.

Attention! I, Kate Burns, hereby quit this job because I have to go to college.

Ha! It's official. That's a verbal contract.

Look, Kate,

I just want you to understand that the world is tough, all right?

You need to give yourself every advantage.

I mean, look, this might not last.

Stores close, Karens get fired,

I hope.

Look, just keep your options open.

Mom, you need to leave. You're making a scene.

I know how to handle this. I see it all the time.

Senior women get mad about the cute clothes we have.

Back off, Karen. You know, you, you are a bad influence.

How dare you see potential in my daughter?

Ma'am, you're causing a disturbance, and I called security.

They'll be here as soon as their Segway's done charging.

Mom, I've made my decision,

and all your yelling is just convincing me even more that I'm right.

So please just go.

Fine. I'll go.

But I will leave you with this final thought.

Little something for you.

Don and my dad acted like they didn't even know what I was talking about.

I just have to accept the fact that I am an outsider in my own family.

-Oh, honey, that's not true. -Okay, Andi,

the only proof I exist is a picture of my arm.

I mean, even bigfoot has pictures of his whole body.

You know that's just a guy in a furry suit.

Don't do this to me tonight, Andi.

I am on edge.

Yeah, well, I'm on edge, too.

Our daughter still isn't going to college. She won't even take the SATs.

And me freaking out just made Kate dig her heels in even more.

I think I really screwed this up.

You want me to talk to her?

No, thanks. I started this, and I'm gonna finish it.

Okay. Well, just know that I'm here for you.

Hmm? Come here.

-Aw. -Come on.

You're sweet.

[engine revving]

Get off me! They're taking my boat again!

Ha! I got you!

-Lowell? -You caught me.

Inside.

I don't even know what to say.

We were together all day trying to figure out who took my boat.

I know, it was so fun.

Apart from the crippling guilt.

What were you thinking?

I've just been so lonely.

Then buy your own boat.

No, please, listen.

Last week, I met this amazing woman who was into boats,

so to make her like me, I told her I had a boat.

Then last night I invited her over to see my boat,

at which point I needed a boat.

Look, I'm not proud of what I did, but I was desperate.

And to think I almost wore matching hats with you.

-I'm so sorry. -Are you?

If you're so sorry, then why are you here trying to steal it again?

Because tonight she surprised me with a booty call.

I knew I couldn't get the booty without the boat.

So I told her I loaned it to you.

You saw how upset I was about my dad and my brother,

and you still didn't say anything!

You know what that is, Lowell? That is unforgivable.

Lowell, I'm getting lonely out here.

Thanks for letting me borrow your boat.

Morning, honey.

Hey, Mom.

Listen, I owe you an apology.

I've been putting too much pressure on you about college.

That became clear to me when mall security followed me to my car.

So... [sighs]

I'm just gonna say I believe in you, and I support you no matter what.

That means a lot, Mom.

And I thought about what you said.

At first, I was really mad that you embarrassed me.

But then I thought you wouldn't have made such a big deal

if it wasn't important.

Anyway, can you give me a ride to the SATs Saturday?

You're going?

Don't get too excited. I'm just keeping my options open.

Too late, I'm excited.

Hugging is coming.

-Mom. -I feel the hug train leaving the station.

[imitates train chugging]

Please, please don't do the train thing.

-All aboard! -[groans]

Hug, hug!

[laughs]

Okay, but you can't come to my work anymore.

-Deal. -No, really.

-There's a letter from security. -What?

"Dark hair, belligerent, mid-30s."

Mid-30. Mid...

[muttering]

I'm gonna frame this.

Lowell took your boat?

Yeah, so, I'm sorry I accused you of that.

And now is when you apologize for always excluding me.

Dad and I have to have a private meeting about that.

Can you give us a couple minutes alone?

Don, cut it out.

Look, maybe Don and I hang out more than you,

but we don't mean anything by it.

Well, what about that picture you cropped me out of?

According to that, you have one son with three arms.

I did that. I put it on Dad's shelf a month ago as a joke.

There's another one in your wallet.

Shows you how little you pick up a check, by the way.

Fine, forget the picture.

But Dad, you're always inviting Don over here to do stuff.

I don't invite him. He's just always here.

He's like a cat I fed one time.

Well, then I'll just stay, too.

Yeah. Huh.

Don, give Adam your snacks.

But I invented these. It's Tater Tots with cheese and hot sauce.

I call 'em Tater Dons.

Hand 'em over, Donny.

Yeah. This is nice, the three of us hanging out together.

-Yeah. We're family. -[chuckles]

You want a beer, son?

I would love one, Dad.

Grab three while you're up.

You know, I was thinking,

I'm not sure the opposite of doormat is door.

The point is, it worked. Okay? You got Katie back on board with college.

Yeah. And you figured out who took your boat.

Mm. Yeah. The only thing I can't figure out is

where'd that second blue captain's hat come from?

Oh, you found that? I got that for you as a surprise.

I thought it'd be cute if you and your dad had matching hats.

So Dad and I have hats, and Don doesn't.

[laughs] Nice job, honey.

[chuckles]

[upbeat music playing]