Original subtitles

[Andi] That's so weird.

I left a fun-size Baby Ruth on the kitchen island, and now it's gone.

Huh. Well... maybe one of the kids took it.

Yeah, that's what I would have thought

except I saw you take it.

You didn't let me finish. I was gonna say, "Maybe one of the kids took it"

is one theory that would later be proven false.

You know, if you keep telling little lies,

I won't believe you when you tell the truth.

Why does that sound so familiar?

Wait a minute, that's the same speech you gave to Teddy last night.

Yes, it's The Boy Who Cried Wolf.

Oh. So I'm the sexy wolf.

-No. [chuckles] -Hmm?

You're the boy who gets eaten

because the villagers don't believe him when the wolf shows up.

Oh, come on, it was a candy bar.

If it was something important, people would believe me.

I have a face you believe.

That's why I lie so good.

You know, I told Teddy that story because he tells fibs too.

And it just made me think that maybe we're not setting the best example.

And when I say "we," I mean you.

Well, now I feel bad.

And when I say "I," I mean you made me feel bad.

Okay, fine. I promise.

Thank you.

Except for any little fibs I'm currently in the middle of,

those are grandfathered in.

[chuckles] No, they're not.

Oh.

Well, in that case, um...

Teddy quit soccer a month ago. We've just been going to Froyo.

If your mother asks, I was with you all night.

What?

What's going on?

Nope. Not happening. [chuckles]

You are not going to school wearing those.

Why not?

Because we came to this country as Pilgrims

and ever since then, it's been one long striptease

and it stops now. [snaps fingers]

Dad?

Adam, where's your father?

I woke up to a message saying he was here and ended up staying over.

What happened?

That is a great question.

You don't know. I know.

But I haven't told you.

That's what we're all waiting for, right?

Oh, there's my girl.

Are-- Are you okay?

Yeah, I just got a little sick last night.

-From what? -Andi's lasagna.

Oh. How many times do I have to tell you?

Eat before you come over here.

Okay. Well, thanks for letting him stay.

Uh, yeah, no problem. It was like he was never even here.

Still no.

This stuff with your dad sounds pretty shady.

Yeah.

What's with the clogs, Lowell?

Did you lose a bet?

No, I won great arch support.

You know, I hate to say it,

but this reminds me of when my ex was cheating on me.

Except with less of me screaming "why" into a pillow.

My dad is not having an affair, Lowell.

He's 80 years old.

With all the pills they have these days, old age is an endless sex party.

And they're into some kinky stuff.

That's why they have handles in the showers.

You need to stay off the Internet.

I'm getting to the bottom of this.

[phone rings]

What?

Is that how you answer your phone?

Is that how you talk to the guy who's about to hang up on you?

What was going on this morning?

Here's some joe for my Joe.

Thank you, sweetheart.

I can't talk. Meet me at Mick's for lunch.

That's weird.

He didn't want to say anything in front of my mom.

Hmm. What secret would he want to keep from his wife?

Not everything's an affair, Lowell.

Well, I hope you're right.

But I bet your new mom will agree with me.

-All right. -Lowell.

I think you accidentally bought some women's shoes.

Dad, will you just tell me what's going on?

Not in front of the dame.

Okay. But just so you know, in ancient Holland,

these were worn by kings.

All right.

I had my physical, and I need a pacemaker.

What? Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine. Just a small heart flutter.

-Heart flutter? -Mm.

And last night, I had to stay at the hospital for some pre-op tests.

So that's where you were. But I don't get it.

-Why are you keeping it from Mom? -Well, she worries too much.

I'll tell her after it's done.

I just, I hate to see my bride upset.

You do? When did that start?

I need you to drive me to the hospital tomorrow for the procedure

and then pick me up the next day.

Of course, of course. But I'm not gonna leave you there by yourself.

I'll just tell Andi I'm staying the night with you. I don't want you to be alone.

No, no, you can't tell Andi.

-Why not? -Well, it's too risky.

She'll tell your mom.

[groans] But I'm in the middle of a whole thing with Andi about lying.

She's coming out strongly against it.

I can't do it, Dad. I'm sorry.

All right. I'll ask your brother.

Don probably loves me.

Why do you always have to go nuclear?

Because it works.

So, I can't lie to Andi,

but I have to lie to Andi.

It's okay to bend the truth with your wife now and again.

That's what I think.

Marriage is a marathon,

and the lies are the bananas they give you every couple of miles.

Without them, you'd never make it to the finish line.

I just came very close to hugging you.

All right, I'll do it.

Because it's you and me, together, without Don,

doing stuff without Don.

Good boy.

But hey, hey. Andi can't know.

So we need to come up with a good story to explain why I'm gone all night.

Don't worry about it. I've got a guy.

Marcy is your guy?

She came up with that dynamite lasagna story.

It's well-known that Andi makes a weak lasagna.

The best lies are perfectly seasoned with the truth.

My guy's good.

Marcy's Andi's best friend. She's gonna tell her everything.

No. Normally, I'm on team Andi, but this is for Joe.

The man who protects me from my greatest enemy...

his lovely wife, Bev.

If he hadn't convinced her that I was right for Don,

I'd still be single and picking up random--

You know what, that's in the past.

The point is... I won't tell Andi.

You and Dad are friends?

How long has this unholy alliance been going on?

We have been secretly running this family for decades.

It's a shadow government.

So, you both need an excuse to be out of the house tomorrow night.

I saw something that might help while I was cutting up Don's newspaper.

Every day I do that to keep him from being tempted by bad ideas.

Wow. It's like North Korea over here.

Oh, like this.

"Free owl to a good home."

No. I won't sit across the dinner table from Don and his owl.

Oh, here we are.

"Fishing store grand opening."

Ooh... that's not bad.

But it's not just what you say, it's how you say it.

The reason you get caught a lot

is because your lies are obvious and lack finesse.

I got this.

Finesse is my middle name.

And my shampoo.

-You ready? -Don't worry, I got a plan.

I'm gonna pretend to be nervous and get caught lying

so that Andi will believe the real lie.

See, most people when they get caught, they admit the truth--

Just do it. I've got a heart flutter.

-Hi, guys. -Hey, Andi!

I mean, hey... Andrew.

-What's going on? -Nothing, nothing, nothing.

It-- It was just, uh, Dad and I wanted to, um...

uh...

[exhales] Is it hot in here?

Wait, before you go on, I can tell that you're about to lie

and I just want to remind you that you made a promise.

You're right. You caught me.

Okay. Um... here's the truth.

There's a grand opening at this fishing store

and the first ten customers get lots of free stuff.

So Dad and I wanted to camp outside on the sidewalk tonight

so that we can be first in line tomorrow.

See? Doesn't the truth feel better?

So much better. Yeah, you know, it really will set you free.

-Yeah. -[both laugh]

Well, I am happy to handle the kids tonight.

Okay, great.

So, uh, I guess I'll see you tomorrow morning.

You guys have fun.

I'm headed over to your mom's. She asked me to bring over my lasagna.

Maybe today's the day that she'll admit mine's better.

Maybe.

Let's go get you a pacemaker. [chuckles]

See what I did there? I am one silver-tongued devil.

Yeah, just run the bases.

Don't stand there and watch the ball leave the park.

Yeah.

[sighs] This tiny juice makes me feel like a giant.

Oh, yeah. Whee!

How was the surgery?

I feel groovy.

And they give you unlimited juice.

Oh, he's got a lot more than juice running through his system right now.

[laughs] You're funny, son.

And I like your new hairdo, Andi.

We should've gotten him on this stuff years ago.

Okay, now we need to focus on finishing this thing

without me getting caught.

[Joe] ♪ I'm looking over A four-leaf clover ♪

♪ That I've overlooked before ♪

This is the most critical part of the mission: re-entry.

Okay? The hard part's not going to the moon, it's getting home.

I don't think that's true.

Don't question me about space, Marcy. I'm an expert.

I once had a beer with Ned Armstrong.

-You mean Neil? -No, Ned. Neil's cousin.

-Uh-huh. -He told me everything,

including the fact that Neil said, and I quote,

"I'm just worried about getting home."

I wouldn't tell that story again.

The point is, Andi cannot catch me lying to her.

I promised.

Yes, I immediately broke that promise, but I would like to do the right thing,

and make her think I kept it.

Okay. Trust the lie, Adam.

Okay? I'm off to babysit your mom and keep her distracted.

She's not gonna want to hang out with you.

-She doesn't like you. -I'm gonna use that.

I'll let her talk about her favorite subject.

What are you doing here?

I had the night free, and I thought you'd like to tell me all the ways

I could be a better daughter-in-law, wife and human being.

This is so exciting. Come on in!

We'll start with unannounced visits.

Dad said no, but I think they look fine.

Those shorts are what people put on before they put their shorts on.

You know, my friend's parents have already given up.

Try that.

Hey, everybody. Oh, I'll come back when Kate's finished getting dressed.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

This is why I wanted you to come over. They're too short, right?

You're gonna take fashion advice from a man in clogs?

These are the best-looking shoes money can buy...

at a doctor's office.

It's a hard "no" on the outfit.

[sighs]

Can my Build-A-Bear have his shorts back?

Shut up!

Where's Adam?

Oh, he and Joe are camped out at some new fishing store all night.

He didn't tell you about that?

Right, right. The fishing store.

He told me they were going to buy...

-Win. -Win...

some fish.

-I should go. -Hold on.

What are you covering up?

I don't know enough to cover anything up.

Yeah, but you know something.

Spill it, Dutch boy.

All I know is Joe lied about where he was the other night, and Adam's helping him.

But I wasn't allowed to hear the rest because Joe is shoe intolerant.

Unbelievable!

You know, Adam promised me no more lying.

I mean, is he even at the fish store?

I mean, I can't trust a word that man says, Lowell!

Face it.

We're just a couple of dames on the outside looking in.

-Hurry up, Lowell. -I'll be right there.

I've got a rock in my clog.

If I drink enough free juice, I'll make money on this deal.

Slow down.

You sneezed earlier, and the whole room smelled like pineapple.

[cell phone rings]

Hello?

Adam? It's Lowell. I did a bad thing.

-Wear whatever shoes you want, goodbye. -Wait!

I may have accidentally implied to Andi that you weren't at the fishing store.

She thinks you're lying again.

We're going to Don's to see if he knows what's going on.

But I didn't tell him what's going on. I mean, nothing's going on!

I mean... wrong number.

-Adam? -[Andi] Lowell!

Cheese and crackers.

-Things are starting to heat up, Dad. -Well, cool off with some juice.

-Your man works hard. -Mm.

It wouldn't kill you to put on some pantyhose.

[cell phone rings]

Hey, what's up?

Andi's onto us. You have to come to the hospital

and stay with Dad while I go put out this fire.

I'm on it.

You know what, Bev? It is getting late. [chuckles]

I'd better hurry and buy those teeth-whitening strips you mentioned.

Think about a hat if you're not gonna do anything with your hair.

This is so great.

The doctor said you're doing so well, you get to go home early.

-What about Adam? -His cover's blown. Save yourself.

Good thinking. That's why we run this family.

-Hey. -Oh, thank God you showed up.

There's nothing going on in this town.

Adam told me that he and Joe

were going to the grand opening of some new fishing store.

But we went by, and they weren't there.

Grand opening? You'd think something like that would be in the paper.

Don, Adam, and Joe are up to something.

I want to know where they are and why Adam's lying about it.

I'm sure it's nothing.

Probably just an affair.

He takes his dad with him to have an affair?

Maybe Dad's got a gal, too.

You know, one of those mother-daughter things.

Ah, look who's here.

-How was the fishing store? -I know where you're going with this.

How do you know where I'm going?

Lowell called me.

-Lowell! -I'm not sorry. He's my hero.

Okay, you caught me not being entirely honest with you,

but on the way here, I realized, I can tell you everything,

because the thing I couldn't tell you is over.

And when you hear this,

I think you are gonna be touched, and proud, and a little sorry--

You know what? I'll just tell you.

I can't wait to finally hear the truth.

My dad got a pacemaker today. He's fine.

But he didn't want anyone else to know, especially Don.

[chuckles]

So I lied.

But only for the love of my father.

So, to recap: Dad, pacemaker, a son's love.

-Come on. -Please.

-What? -This is a new low.

Dad would never get a pacemaker and not tell me.

He's my best friend.

What? You don't believe me?

I don't know what to believe anymore, Adam.

This is so sad.

You're my new hero, Andi.

What? No! No!

But this is 100% true!

Come to the hospital. I'll prove it.

Prepare to apologize.

I'm sorry.

Dad, I need you to tell Andi the truth about where we were tonight.

Okay.

I went to the fishing store, you weren't there,

so I felt betrayed and came home.

That's not true.

I know the truth.

Mom, Dad and Adam are having an affair with a mother-daughter team.

What's happening?

Don't ask. He's got a theory.

Oh, no. No, I'm right.

There are tons of mini documentaries about it on the Internet.

Andi, honey, you have to believe me.

But nobody believes you.

I, uh...

Marcy does.

She masterminded the whole plan to keep it a secret from you. Right, Marcy?

What? Why would I keep a secret from Andi?

Because of the shadow government.

Are you on drugs?

This is crazy. I'm telling the truth, and nobody believes me.

Huh. That doesn't feel great, does it?

Why are you using your "I'm about to teach you a lesson" voice?

Because I've known about the pacemaker all day.

-What? -Yeah. It's a good thing

you're not wearing a hat, 'cause your mind just got blown.

-You knew? -Mm-hmm.

And you let me lie to you while you were lying to me?

That is something I would do!

Wait. It's true? Daddy?

I didn't want anyone to know.

Especially my bride. I didn't want you to worry.

Oh, honey, it was so sweet of you to think of me.

This is how your man treats you when you wear pantyhose.

You hear that, Don? I'm gonna start dressing like your mom.

Enjoy.

I can work with that.

Uh, wait-- Hold on.

So Don and Lowell were in on it, too?

Yes.

-No, you weren't. -No, I was not.

I wanted you to know that you are the boy that cried wolf.

Right? And I needed witnesses.

I mean, if the boy cries wolf

and there are no villagers there to see him get eaten,

what's the point?

Wow.

-This is next level. -Yeah.

I wasn't even close to pulling this off, was I?

[chuckles] No, honey.

So when I came over, you got me to accidentally blab something about Adam?

Yep.

You didn't need any information from Don at all?

Nope. I just needed villagers.

I don't like just being a villager.

Next year, I'm trying out for wolf.

So how do you feel about telling the truth and not having people believe it?

Not great.

Kind of like how Ned said Neil felt

when people thought he faked the moon landing.

-Who's Neil? -Who's Ned?

He is on drugs.

I told you not to tell that story.

Okay, here's the last one.

You know how we're finally watching Breaking Bad together?

Mm-hmm.

I watched it three years ago with Don in the trailer.

It was when we were working nights on the O'Bannon job.

Also, there was no O'Bannon job.

Oh, hey, one more thing.

[sighs]

There's something wrong with your lasagna.

Okay, I think we've covered enough lies for one night.

Hey, I got a question.

How did you find out about my dad's pacemaker?

Bev told me.

[both] What?

So Joe's getting a pacemaker and there's no fishing store?

Adam lied to me?

Of course he did, he's your husband.

I see.

Hey... do you mind if I have a little fun with this?

Be my guest.

Oh, honey? You can take that thing with you.

How did you know?

I'm your emergency contact. I know everything.

But I didn't want you to worry about me worrying about you,

so I wasn't gonna tell you.

Dad, I thought you and Marcy had a shadow government.

What? Don't be ridiculous.

There's no shadow government.

[chuckles] That's right. Bev and I run this family.

Bev runs this family.