Original subtitles

Yooooo Jinglebells!

Hey guys. What's up?

Ah you know, just saw you

reading a book over here

looking all weird and sad so,

wanted to pop over and say hello.

Thanks, I'm good.

What book you reading?

Uh, The Creative Work by Rick Rosen.

Oh yeah, that's the big time rap producer dude?

Bet he's got some crazy ass stories.

Mm, it's more of a treatise on creativity.

I'm trying to hone in on my next project.

You should write a movie about Spiderman.

People love those.

I'm actually thinking about creating

something a little more impactful.

[baby crying] Ssssh! Sssssh!

[baby crying] Sorry.

Oh, it's totally fine.

Hey, do you feel mad? Do you feel angry right now?

She's overtired.

When she gets like this it's impossible to calm her.

Hey look! Who likes cupcakes?

I'm a man holding cupcakes!! I'm a cupcake man!!

I'm a Cupcake Man.

Look at me baby, I'm a Cupcake Man!

[laughter]

Wow. You might actually have something there.

I'll have to remember that one.

Sir. Those cupcakes are $9 each.

Oh come on, it's for the baby!

[♪♪♪♪♪]

♪ Well, I used to work at a hot dog factory. ♪

♪ Until them robots came along. ♪

♪ And now there is no job for me ♪

♪ But I get 3,000 bucks a month ♪

♪ Thanks to UBI

♪ Now we're Universal Basic Guys. ♪

♪ It may not sound like much. ♪

♪ But we're still gonna try ♪

♪ We're just Universal Basic Guys ♪

♪ Tiny turtle! Toot tootle oot! Twirling around! ♪

♪ Tiny turtle! Toot tootle oot! Swimming around! ♪

You see this crap, Hank? Eight billion views.

I don't get it, okay.

My "Mr. Cupcake Man" song that I was singing for that baby

that'd blow this crap out of the water.

Yeah, that baby sure was laughing.

Exactly.

We post that song online,

we could make a billion babies laugh.

♪ Cupcake Man. I'm a Cupcake Man! ♪

♪ Look at me, baby, I'm a Cupcake Man! ♪

♪ I'm a hot dog man I'm a hot dog man. ♪

♪ Look at me, baby, I'm a ho-- ♪

Hold on. Stop.

Cut.

Yo Hank, what are you doing?

I'm singing "Mr. Hot Dog Man."

No, no Hank. You're not a hot dog.

You're a sprinkle. You're Sprinkle Boy.

Got it. Got it.

So do I sing a song about sprinkles then?

Maybe something like "Sprinkle Boy.

I'm a Sprinkle Boy. Sprinkle--

No no no. You don't sing, okay.

You are the silent slapstick guy.

You do the goofy stuff in the background okay,

like hit yourself in the face with a pie

or a tennis racket... you know, stuff like that.

Ooh, awesome.

Ok let's run it back.

Hit it, Dar.

♪ Cupcake Man. I'm a Cupcake Man. ♪

♪ Look at me, baby, I'm a Cupcake Man... ♪

What in the hell?

Andrea, you gotta see this.

I think the Hoagies just discovered peyote.

Ugh! Oh my God! Oh my God!

Everything okay over there?

No, look.

That's our product.

I've got to do brand recovery on drones

that are shooting at the people they're supposed to protect.

I am so over this.

Hm. Well, Andrea... you've always said

you wanted to go off on your own.

Maybe now's the time?

Yeah that'd be real nice, David,

but you know, someone needs to pay for your

"Teas of the World" subscription boxes.

I'm happy to take more copywriting gigs.

Yeah. Unless you're planning on practicing law again,

I'm gonna have to keep spinning for our tech overlords.

Well, whatever you decide, you have my full support.

Great, thanks, honey.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go falsely accuse

UNICEF of working with ISIS.

No! No! No more! No more!

- I know sweetie,

but we just need to check your levels

so the doctor can see what's going on.

[phone message]

Excuse me for one second.

[movie plays] ♪ Cupcake Man. I'm a Cupcake Man. ♪

What the hell is this?

♪ Cupcake Man. I'm a Cupcake Man. ♪

♪ I'm a Cupcake Man.

♪ Frosting on my face all over the place! ♪

- More. More.

More Mr. Cupcake.

More Cupcake Man.

Hey Mark.

- Hi.

What happened to Mr. Cupcake Man?

Cupcake Man is dead, Tam.

What are you talking about?

It got thirty views in three hours.

Mr. Beast gets like a million views a minute.

Oh, don't give up so quickly, Mark.

I think you really got something here.

Nope. Forty views. I'm deleting it.

Uh uh, no.

Mark! Just let it be.

Eh whatever. I don't need to be famous.

Fame is stupid anyway.

Hey, if you make a couple of kids happy,

that's all that matters.

In fact, the children at the hospital

would love to see Mr. Cupcake Man.

Yeah, you know what, you're right, Tam.

That's what it's really about.

Putting smiles on kids' faces.

[Cupcake Man song playing] Wait a minute.

Do you hear that?

Oh my god. Mark. Look!

Wait, is that...?

Wait are you fricken kidding me?

Does that say five hundred thousand!?

Holy mackerel! I'm famous.

I'm famous. Oh my god.

Uh... I'll be right back!

Wow, my god, it's the Cupcake Man!

Really?

Tammy, just... please, this is important to me.

Watch this.

- Um excuse me?

Are you Mr. Cupcake Man?

Uh... yeah. I am.

- Can I get a selfie with you?

Yo, can't you see I'm having breakfast

with my wife? Come on.

- Mark!

Ugh. Okay. Fine. One picture. Come on.

[click]

Oh man, I always wanted to do that.

Yo, being famous is awesome Tam.

I'm never taking this thing off.

♪ Cupcake man. I'm a cupcake man. ♪

Look at this.

Is that not the dumbest thing

you've ever seen?

Wait, two million views!?

In a day!?

Mark may have just fallen ass- backwards into a goldmine.

And he's gonna need a PR person...

Woah, woah, woah. Woah.

You're not seriously considering this, are you?

Wow, David. Thanks for your "full support."

I mean this could be my ticket to career independence.

Andrea, the guy tried to catch

a whale off a restaurant boat.

Hey Jason. It's Andrea.

Derek can handle the release.

Because I quit baby!

Haha, byeee!

Dar give me the numbers.

Woah. You're currently number four on trending.

Let's goooo!!! Yooo!

There she is!

The newest member of Team Cupcake!

Hooray!

Thanks for having me.

I really think we could be sitting

on a multimillion dollar brand here.

I'm talking merch, cartoons, live shows...

Ooh which reminds me... do you have a manager?

You're looking at him.

Uh huh...

is this something you have experience with?

Oh yeah. Big time okay.

Cut my teeth with Lou Perlman back in the 90s.

In fact, I can still forge Justin Timberlake's signature.

Yo! Check this comment out:

"This video makes me so happy.

Me and my kids have been singing this all day."

I'd be careful, Mark.

First rule of internet fame is "never read the comments."

What are you talking about guys? I read 100% of the comments.

These are my people.

They love it. Look, this one guy writes

"It's awesome."

And then you got this guy, he writes

"This is the dumbest, most annoying song I've ever heard.

I hope this one hit wonder gets hit by a truck."

I wouldn't worry about it Mark. It's just one knucklehead troll

in his mother's basement okay.

Yeah...no big deal. Just one guy.

Oh wow. Your dumb song is now

number three trending overall.

It just passed Machine Gun Kelly's new video.

Mark, did you hear that? That's amazing.

What? Yeah. Yeah

I'm just...

I think I'm just gonna...

I'm gonna get out of the sun for a little bit. You know.

Hon, are you okay?

Probably just a troll, you know. Probably just some loser bot

living in his basement in Brayshaw or something.

[ding, ding] - Yes. Hell yes.

Guess who just booked Mr. Cupcake Man on The View?

Is this really any better than defending drones?

Is that a serious question?

Yeah, I mean

you're amplifying mindless nonsense.

You could at least promote something with some

educational value.

Yeah sorry David,

I can't get into this right now.

I have to go to work.

♪ I got snakes for arms.

♪ I got snakes for toes.

♪ I got snakes for fingers.

♪ Got snakes for a nose.

♪ I'm made of snakes.

♪ I'm made of snakes

♪ so wiggle wiggle wiggle all the way to the lake. ♪

What do we think?

Pretty good, yeah.

Nah, you think everything's good, okay.

What do you think, Mernft?

Is it legit or is it annoying?

Who the hell cares, okay?

All these kids' songs are annoying.

Just post it.

Absolutely not. I'm not posting anything

unless it's a certified banger.

- Hun, I think you're obsessing a little too much

on one commenter.

I'm sure most people are gonna love it.

Most people?

No no no. Okay.

No offense but you are all useless, okay?

I need real feedback from people in my demo, okay?

Okay what, so you want to focus group babies or something?

Yes. Exactly.

I need babies. Bring me babies!

♪ I like Dinosaurs. I like them a lot. ♪

♪ T-Rex is my favorite.

♪ I'm a T-Rex lover. I'm a T-Rex lover. ♪

♪ I love T-rex.

[silence]

Hank. Pie.

[splat]

[silence]

Dammit!

Okay Mark-

Mr. Cupcake Man, please.

Right.

Mr. Cupcake Man,

we need to go over your schedule.

I'm in the middle of something important here.

Ok, well we need to start press training.

I've got you booked on three live national spots this week.

Mernft Man, what's on the docket as far as gigs?

Uh. Let's see,

so I reached out to an old colleague

about a possible birthday party opportunity.

Birthday party?

No. We need to think bigger.

Mr. Cupcake Man is the top kids song

in the world right now.

I'm telling you Andrea, private shows for rich people,

I mean that's easy money right there.

Doesn't matter. I'm not doing any of it.

What do you mean?

Yeah, what about the hospital show?

All the kids are so excited to see you.

Sorry gotta push it, Tam okay. I need my schedule cleared.

I'm workshopping new material.

Okay Mark, er-- Mr. Cupcake Man,

I understand the urge to expand your catalog,

but right now we need to strike while the iron's hot.

Things happen fast on the internet

and I need-

“We ” need to ride this wave.

Forget riding a wave. I am a fricken ocean of ideas.

Darren, hit it!

[music]

♪ Here we go now.

♪ Riding on cows. ♪

♪ Mooo mooo

♪ going to the moooovies. [babies crying]

Damnit.

Are these babies teething or something!?

Maybe the babies aren't the problem.

Hmmmm.

Right-- yep, garage.

What is all this?

Okay, everyone!

Over here. Let's go. Team meeting.

So we've all heard the rumblings okay.

"Does this guy have the chops?"

Is he a "one-hit-wonder?"

Well, after a long look in the mirror,

I've come to the conclusion

that the real problem is...

my beats are being produced by a fourteen year old boy.

Darren, sorry buddy but you're out.

Alright. See ya.

[limo pulls up]

Looks like my new producer slash creative muse has arrived.

[music]

Alright, try this--

[music]

Oh my god. No!

Okay.

What about this--

[music]

Yo, this is some real C-level crap,

Rosen, okay.

You holding your good stuff for Drake?

Okay. Maybe just tell me

what you want.

Ugh fine.

Let me get an 808 trap

but swap the snare for fart sounds.

[music]

Okay, can you drop the bass a little bit.

Okay I need a new fart sound. These are too dry.

We've been through all four hundred.

Ugh! None of this is working.

This is all annoying crap.

Maybe we should discuss

what you're trying to achieve here,

creatively.

Okay listen Rap Santa, it's pretty simple.

I want something that's gonna get a billion views

and no mean comments, okay?

Um... I'm not sure that's a healthy approach.

Real artists don't worry about making everyone happy.

They simply tap into their own emotional truths,

and trust that their audience will respond.

What!

- Mark, it's late. Maybe get some sleep?

I can't okay! I'm making music!

I'm trying to tap into emotional truths!

This is really getting ridiculous, hun.

You're losing your mind

over one stupid internet comment.

You need some perspective.

Maybe performing for those kids at the hospital

will remind you of what's really important here.

No.

What do you mean, no?

I'm not fricken Patch Adams!!!

I'm a serious “Artist ”!

Well, I'm your wife.

No.

You're “Mark's ” wife.

Mr. Cupcake Man doesn't have a wife.

He's asexual.

What are you talking about?

Babies, they don 't have “Wives ”!

I am trying to build

an authentic emotional connection

with my audience!

“My Audience Is Babies ”!

Yeah, well you're doing a damn good job.

You sound just like a baby having all these tantrums!

Hm...

sound like a baby having all these tantrums.

Tantrums...tantrums.

Yo Rick. Give me another beat.

I'm all out of happy kid's beats Mark.

No. Something darker.

How's it going in there?

We're burning time and money out here.

- Well worth it, Andrea.

- I've completely evolved as an artist.

Okay, well my professional reputation

is about to go extinct

so hopefully you've evolved into an artist

willing to perform this Saturday.

- Big time.

Okay great. And just remember,

happy babies mean happy parents

and happy parents buy a lot of merch.

- Oh don't you worry,

- they'll definitely be feeling this.

[dark drone music]

Hey, Mr. Cupcake Man too busy

to take out the trash these days?

Oh don't get me started.

Apparently, he's also too big to perform

at the hospital this weekend.

Oh well, if you need someone to fill in,

I actually have a little magic show idea

I've been kicking around...

Really? Well that'd be great.

Magic's always a big hit with the kids.

Oh yeah.

And you know, unlike a certain...

pastry-headed person,

my routine isn't just fun, it's also substantive.

Both delicious and nutritious...

Oh yeah... cool.

[crowd]

[dark drone music]

♪ When Mommy says no you can't have a cupcake... ♪

♪ TANTRUM.

♪ When Daddy says no you can't have a cupcake... ♪

[babies crying] ♪ TANTRUM. ♪

Oh my god.

♪ Yo you sound like a baby having all these tantrums, ♪

♪ tantrums. Tantrums.

♪ Tantrums.

♪ We live. We suffer. ♪

♪ We die.

♪ The frosting burns inside our veins. ♪

[silence]

Thank you Philadelphia.

[baby crying] Thank you!!!!!

Get home safe.

Boom. Nailed it.

Well, that was a complete disaster.

Every baby was crying.

They were responding. Tantrum is all about being sad.

It's a whitespace in baby entertainment.

I am changing the face of children's music.

You pooped out a cupcake on stage.

No, that was the “Birth ” of a cupcake,

Andrea. They're babies.

Do you understand that we're almost

a million dollars in debt from studio

and touring expenses?

Sponsors aren't returning my calls.

So from now on,

you are only playing "Mr. Cupcake Man."

Nope. Can't do it. Not going backwards.

Tantrum tour rolls on.

The Tantrum tour is over

until we can afford to pay for it,

so unless you know someone who's willing to pay

a million dollars to watch you sing...

I got nothin'.

Well,

there is this one guy...

Guy sent his private jet to pick us up?

Wow, Mernft Man

you may have just earned your 10%.

Actually it's 40.

Woah.

What exactly does this guy do?

Ah, he's a businessman.

He deals in, uh,

pharmaceuticals.

Oh cool, it's one of those guns shaped like a "T".

Uh... what kind of pharmaceuticals?

Oh you know... it's caffeine adjacent.

Ah, the famous Mr. Cupcake Man. Bienvenido a Bolivia.

I am Roberto Caramelo de Nariz

and this is my son, Jesús.

He is your biggest fan.

I like to listen to your song

while I light mis gatigos en fuego.

Oh yeah? Very cool, very cool.

Wait I thought this was a birthday party?

Where's all the kids?

They played with my toys, so I kill them.

Oh wow. Your culture is very different.

I'm sure Mr. Myfrinski made the terms very clear.

One song, one million dollars.

You got it. I'm thinking

I'm gonna do Red Velvet Revolver off the new album.

No. You do "Mr. Cupcake Man."

So here's the thing man,

-I'm not doing that- -Ope! No problem!

"Mr. Cupcake Man" it is.

Okay Mark, you're good?

You understand the assignment here?

Oh yeah.

Jesús is a very angry little boy.

He needs to have his feelings validated.

Okay, enough. This is insanity.

I need the room.

[door closes]

Look, I didn't want it to come to this,

But, here.

Someone posted a video of your Tantrum show.

Read the comments.

Let's see here okay.

"Huge L"

"Stick to your one hit, weirdo."

"I miss the old Mr. Cupcake Man. This sucks."

Look,

I understand you think you're an artist,

but you need to let that go.

You're a guy who puts cupcakes on his head

and sings to babies.

Hey Andrea. Can you just do me a quick favor?

Yeah?

Can you ask the guy with the gun

to come over here and blow my head off?

Mark, come on, stop.

You just need to sing one stupid song

for a million dollars.

Here.

- No.

I am never singing again.

I am done.

Okay, listen, Mark.

You tried something new and it failed.

That's part of the creative process.

But you have something really special here.

Remember why you created Mr. Cupcake Man

in the first place.

To get a billion views.

No. Before that.

To make a baby smile.

Exactly. So forget the fame, the money,

forget even making art.

Just go sing that song for your biggest fan,

the kid out there dying to see you.

Fine. One last show.

Thank you. You're on in five.

We're good.

Hey kids, look!

This is the coastline of Florida!

Okay, so let's drop it into our magical "future hat."

And now it's the year 2065 and...

Look at this.

The coastline is gone!

Because the greenhouse gasses melted the ice caps.

Can I go back to my room and get bloodwork?

So the takeaway here is that there's no

magic solution that can protect our planet.

-Psst. -Yeah?

David. C'mere.

I think they're really digging it.

Maybe lean away from the long term global concerns.

These kids are terminally ill.

They're not worried about the coast of Florida

forty years from now.

What?!

Well I wish you would've mentioned

that earlier, Tammy! I didn't know they were dying!

David, nobody does hospital performances

for kids who are thriving.

Uh. Was that Harry Styles?

Yes.

He refused to play One Direction,

so we went... in another direction.

Hahaha.

¡Yo quiero Mr. Cupcake!

¡Yo quiero Mr. Cupcake! Mr. Cupcake!

[knock, knock] Mark?

It's time to go on stage.

Mark?

“Dear Andrea,

thank you for reminding me what's really important.

I realize now

it's not about me.

It's about doing what's right ”

We're gonna die.

So uh... the, you know,

the thing about climate change is that

it's not just about us.

I mean I'm not gonna be here in fifty years either-

I mean not like that, I mean it's just--

What's up my littles!

[cheering]

Oh thank god, Mark. I was dying up here.

I mean, not literally.

I don't mean like you-I mean...

Mr. Cupcake Man, everyone!

Yeah!

Alright! Okay,

before we get started I just want to give a little shout

out to Nurse Tammy over there. She's the best guys.

You're very lucky to have her.

Remember kids, what matters is being there

for the people who need you.

Ugh! Where the “Hell ” is Mark!?!

Okay um... Hank, you know the lyrics, right?

Uh... I think so.

♪ I'm a hot dog man I'm a hot-- Wait, ♪

♪ I'm Mr. Cakedog Man- I'm a Cakedog Man. ♪

[gun loads] ♪ Cupcake sprinkle? ♪

[thump, thump, thump]

Oh my god he's dead. Hank is a dead man.

I don't know. The kid seems to like it.

I think he's got at least a few minutes left.

[thump, thump, thump]

Ok now I'm bored.

[splat]

Ooh yummy.

I don't know, boss.

This guy is pretty funny.

Ay, Dios mio,

what does it take to get a security guard

who just takes orders and doesn't have "opinions?"

Oh my god. That's it!

[phone dialing]

Hey Jason -

Don't have time to talk but I will take my old job back

and I'll handle the Syria stuff. I don't even want a promotion.

I just need one favor.

This guy is actually pretty talented!

Slapstick is one of the hardest forms of comedy.

Ugh! Enough.

Give me that.

Wait!

[machine gun fire]

[thud]

Wow! Incredible!

Okay...

What if I could offer you something

way better than a stupid Mr. Cupcake Man performance?

Mr. Silly Billy?

Even better.

How about a fleet of private security drones huh?

Flying robot henchmen who do exactly

what they're told...

In other news, Humantis has recalled

thousands of private security drones

after another deadly malfunction

caused them to open fire at the estate of Bolivian Drug Lord

Roberto Caramelo De Nariz.

I don't know how you're gonna spin this one.

Hey, if I can work for Mark Hoagies,

this is nothing.

[phone call]

Hey Jason.

No problemo. I'm already on it.

Mark, I gotta say, the kids at the hospital

are still talking about your performance.

Yeah that was a pretty good show eh?

You know if you ever want to come back,

you're always welcome.

Eh I don't know, Tam.

I think Mr. Cupcake Man is retired.

Aw really? After all that

you're just gonna hang up the frosting hat?

You know, there comes a time in every artist's life

when they realize it's time to get out of the spotlight.

Oh yeah?

You're already over being famous?

Actually, Tam

I thought it might be a good idea

if Mr. Cupcake Man keeps a low profile for a while.

Let's just say he's the number one hit in Bolivia.

Hey don't we gotta still pay back the guy

with the big beard?

Nah I took care of it.

How'd you get the money for that, Mernft?

Let's just say I took a few party favors

back from the birthday party.