Original subtitles

Oh, come on!

Run the fricken ball!

What are you doin' coach?

This whole team is run by morons!

Yo, hoagies!

Maybe if you yell a little louder, they can hear you

Over there in minneapolis!

Oh, great.

Fricken steve delvecchio.

Oh, cool.

No, hank.

The guy's a freakin' douchebag.

Hate to break it to you, steve, but you're at a sports bar.

Oh, great.

Here he comes.

Let me ask you something.

Why in the hell would they run the ball when they're

Down by 14 with no timeouts?

It's called smash mouth football, okay?

You ever heard of it?

Pound the rock.

You're literally just yelling stuff, you know that?

You got no clue what you're talking about, hoagies.

Oh yeah?

What makes you an authority?

How about this.

[bling]

Whoa, is that a super bowl ring?

Pfft, where'd you get that? The Halloween store?

No, I earned it, okay?

I played a pivotal role in the eagles championship

Run, thank you.

Oh, get out of here, steve.

You work in ticket sales.

That's a bs ring right there.

No such thing.

Whoa, is that a super bowl ring?

You bet your ass it is.

Wow! Beer's on the house.

Thanks, man.

Later, hoagies.

Unbelievable.

Yeah, I can't believe steve delvecchio is a

Super bowl champion.

He's a fraud, hank.

I cannot and will not sit idly by while steve frickin'

Delvecchio runs around acting like football royalty,

Reaping the benefits of a ring he does not deserve.

Well, uh, what are you gonna do about it, mark?

I'm also gonna reap the benefits, baby.

Boom.

Suck it, delvecchio.

[♪♪♪]

♪ well, I used to work at a hot dog factory ♪

♪ until them robots came along ♪

♪ and now there is no job for me ♪

♪ but I get 3,000 bucks a month ♪

♪ thanks to uvi ♪

♪ now we're universal basic guys ♪

♪ it may not sound like much ♪

♪ but we're still gonna try ♪

♪ we're just universal basic guys ♪

[bling]

Ha, whoa there, johnny depp.

Since when do you wear jewelry?

Oh, this is way more than jewelry, tam.

This is an official eagles super bowl ring.

How'd you get your hands on a super bowl ring?

Doesn't matter how you get a ring.

What matters is that you got one.

With this thing?

People respect your football opinions.

No longer will I be treated like a dumb fan.

Oh, yeah?

The minute you open your mouth, you're gonna be

Exposed as a total fraud.

Bet you can't even name one play.

Pfft, yeah, okay, hon. That's ridiculous.

Can't even name -- I know a ton of plays, actually, okay?

Like, uh, what's the one where they, uh, run

The ball up the middle?

Oh, hey, guys!

Either you wanna go to the eagles game today?

Our son would rather watch people play video games.

Oh, thanks.

But I actually have brunch plans.

David, they're playing new york.

Um...

- Yeah, no chance.

He gets uncomfortable around macho stuff like that.

- Wait, what?

What do you mean by that?

Yeah, come on, it'll be fun.

You ever been to a birds game before?

I have not, actually.

- David, stop.

You and I both know you'll have a horrible time.

You know, there's a lot you don't know about me, andrea.

You literally never watch football.

Yeah, but that doesn't mean I can't enjoy a game,

Like a regular dude guy.

So is that a yes?

Uh, yes.

Yes, I would love to go.

Let me just, uh, I'll be right back.

I'm gonna go grab my football hat.

Well, good luck.

Oh, come on.

He's gonna love it.

[♪♪♪]

[crowd member] giants suck!

Yeah, I don't know if wearing that giants hat was

Such a smart idea, okay?

Eagles fans are maniacs.

Don't worry, david.

Just have fun.

Eagles fans get a bad rep.

Eh, I don't know, tam.

There's a reason they got a jail under the stadium.

Oh, come on.

Eagles jail's a myth.

Like the jersey devil, or those, uh, ben franklin bridge trolls.

Wait, troll -- do you mean tolls?

No, david.

Trolls, okay?

There's these little trolls that live under

The ben franklin bridge.

Everybody knows that.

You say that like it's a fact.

I actually have a super bowl ring, so everything

I say is a fact.

Okay, mark. I could buy a tiara.

Does that make me freakin' princess diana?

You know what?

Let's go, hank.

We spent enough time amongst the, uh, hoi polloi.

Time to go flex this ring and mingle with

The first class fans.

Fine. Have fun, mark.

David and I will be enjoying the game with the real fans.

Ain't that right, david?

Oh, absolutely.

I want the authentic cultural experience.

[drum beat]

Hi.

I like your tat.

Are you making fun of me?

What?

No, no, no, no.

I think, uh, I think it's really cool.

2005?

Wow.

Great super bowl, right?

No, it wasn't.

Eagles lost.

Oh...So then why --

- I got it in 2004. I was feeling pretty confident.

Got it.

Maybe you could, uh, use the ring to get

Like, uh, free hot dogs.

No, no, no.

You got to think bigger, hank.

Oh, yeah, you're right.

We could meet swoop.

Oh, come on, hank.

Okay, any five year old can meet the mascot, but not just

Anyone can go up there, baby.

[angelic music]

Ticket?

Here's my ticket.

Yeah, that's not really, uh, whatever.

Oh, yeah, now this is the filet mignon of the fan experience.

This is where the real heavy hitters watch the game.

No fricken way.

Woo! Let's go, birds!

Get a stop! Come on!

Let's go, the giants!

Get a stop!

Hey, moron!

You're on offense!

Oh, just ignore him.

Oh, it's all good.

It's part of the fun.

Hey, I can take it.

Heh heh.

Let's go, new york!

Giants suck, you freaking nerd.

Hey, whoa there. Hey,

Counter point: Eagles suck, you nerd.

Say one more thing to my kid and I'll shove that

Hat right down your throat!

Understood. I am so sorry, ma'am.

Oh man, which one should we go in?

Hank, we can go in any one we want.

We got the ring.

We're vips.

Oh yeah. Got the unlimited egg rolls.

Got the air conditioning.

Dude's in a business casual.

Jackpot, baby.

Oh yeah, now this is how you watch a game.

Oh hell yeah, yeah, let me get one of those.

[crunching]

Uh, no thanks.

I, uh, I feel bad eating the babies.

So, uh, you from new york city?

Yeah, well, westchester, but it's like right next to

The bronx, so...

- You into theater?

Pfft! Theater?

No, I mean, I've seen a show or two, but I'm not

Like some fancy theater boy.

Ah, damn, I was thinking of taking my girl to

A broadway show, but wasn't sure what to see.

Oh, really?

Um, what about hamilton?

It's terrific.

Oh, yeah, because I heard it was a bunch of woke, b.S.

Oh!

Uh, yeah, totally.

Totally overrated.

I mean, you don't want to see that crap.

But, uh, maybe, you know, stomp is more up your alley?

Stomp!

Stomp, okay, uh, is that the one where they're all cats?

No, that's -- that's cats.

Ahh. You want?

Um, uh, yeah, yeah, let's do it.

David, I wouldn't.

Oh, it's fine, tammy.

I'm hanging out.

I'm being a dude.

I'm going with the flow.

- Yeah, dude, yeah.

[cough]

My god, what is that?

Oh, uh, mostly rubbing alcohol into race gas, yeah.

Keeps me responsible.

Can't drive home if you drank all your fuel.

You see, this whole team is soft because the coach

Is a fricken goofball bozo.

I mean, whatever happened to old school punch - em

In - the - mouth football?

Run the ball and play defense.

Hey, but what do I know?

Just my expert opinion.

Wow, this guy really knows ball.

You were on our super bowl team?

Oh yeah, oh yeah, I was a, uh, a coaching consultant, yeah.

That was -- that's what I was.

I thought I knew everyone on

That team, but, uh, forgive me, I don't recognize you.

That's because he's a fraud.

Delvecchio.

The hell are you doing here, hoagies?

Oh, you know, just mingling with my fellow football connoisseurs.

Oh, are you now! That's interesting.

Have you shared with them how you think the

Team is run by morons?

Oh yeah, well the fricken owner,

That guy's a stone cold moron.

He doesn't have the balls to take this team over the top.

Pfft!

Well, mark, thank you for your candid assessment.

I'm sure our esteemed owner here appreciates it very much.

[stony silence]

Hey, listen. Old school hard - nosed leatherheads like me?

Yeah, we're not gonna b.S. You and stroke your ego.

We care about one thing, -- winning,

And sometimes, that ain't pretty.

You wanna go ahead and surround yourself with sycophants?

Be my guest.

You know who else did that?

Saddam hussein.

And where is he now?

Certainly not winning any super bowls, that's for sure.

You know, I've owned this team for 30 years, and

Not once has anyone ever spoken to me like that.

Sorry if that hurts your feelings.

Let's go, hank.

Don't apologize.

You're right.

Wait, what?

This franchise lacks toughness.

I was going to wait until the season ended to evaluate

The coach, but after hearing your brutally honest expert

Opinion, it's clear we need to make a change now.

Sir, please.

I -- I don't think you should be li--

Let me tell you something, sales guy.

I didn't get rich by playing it safe.

I got rich by having a rich grandfather.

Who knew when to trust his gut.

How'd you like to be the next coach of the

Philadelphia eagles?

Oh, hell yeah. When do I start?

Right now.

Gotta be bold, right?

What the hell is going on?

[♪♪♪]

[crowd]

Yo, how cool is this, hank?

Okay, this ring, best purchase ever, okay?

I'm about to be the coach of the eagles.

You sure you know how to be a head coach?

Oh, absolutely.

They got a million assistant coaches that

Do all the real work.

All the head coach does is just run up and down the

Sidelines yelling crap.

Oh man, you'd be great at that.

So, uh, you think like, uh, maybe I could have a role?

I'm thinking like, uh, I don't know, mascot or something?

I don't know, hank.

I run a meritocracy here, okay?

Yeah, okay.

Tell you what, you can be the backup mascot, but if you want

To start, you gotta earn it.

Oh, gee, thanks, mark.

I won't let you down.

Better not, because there's no losers on my staff.

Now let's go kick some giants ass!

[♪♪♪]

[tap - tap - tap]

[slap - slap - slap]

Okay, guys. Culture change, okay?

We're bringing back an old-school mentality.

It's all about physical and mental toughness. You got that?

- Uh, who the hell are you?

I'm mark hoagies. Your new head coach.

Uh... Okay. Well, I just need a play.

Okay, yeah, just ah...

Due to one where you, uh, I don't know, run a ball up the

Middle, whatever it's called.

Uh, it's fourth and fifteen.

I don't give a damn if it's fourth and fifty million miles!

You pound that fricken' rock, pal!

[announcer] - man, it looks like the eagles are lining up

In a power formation.

Are they going for this?

Maybe trying to get the giants to jump offside?

Oh my god, they're actually doing it.

And it's a first down eagles, what a play call.

I don't know who this new coach is, but he has got balls

The size of the liberty bell.

- Nice job boys, let's run it again.

Uh... Okay.

[announcer] - another run.

[crash]

And this time they're stopped for a one yard gain.

- Run it again, let's go.

- Uh, coach.

Maybe we want to try something else?

Uh uh uh, no.

This is old-school, jam it down her throat's football, okay?

Run it again.

[announcer] - and another run up the middle.

[announcer] - this time for no gain.

Wooo!

Ah, what the hell is this coach doing?

Maybe mark is right, this guy is a moron.

[crowd booing]

What flavor they got today?

Oh, uh, blue.

Oh yeah, that's my favorite.

Wait, me too.

So do you work around here or just hanging out?

Uh, yeah, I'm actually the punter.

Oh, wow, I'm a big fan of punting.

Wait, really?

That's awesome.

Yeah, a lot of people don't like, uh, appreciate all the

Nuance that goes into it.

Totally, yeah, I always love when a ball goes

Real high in the air.

Yes, that's my favorite part.

So, what do you do?

Oh, oh, I'm the, uh, backup mascot.

Oh, wow.

We don't even have a backup punter.

Yeah, you can't take a chance with a mascot.

- Boo!

- You suck!

Get out!

Will you shut up?

David, maybe you should dial it back a little bit.

Come on! I'm having fun!

I love sports!

Ugh, I can't with this fricken guy.

Go back to new york, dork!

Oh, yeah?

What are you gonna do?

[pbbbbt]

[splat]

Ah!

[dramatic music]

David, what would andrea say?

Hmm, good point.

Who are you calling dork?

Dork?

[smack] argh...

Oh my god.

Oh snap!

That guy!

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

It was a complete mistake.

I don't even like sports.

Where are you taking me?

Oh no.

Hey, you wanna see something cool?

I can lick my shin.

Whoa, that's awesome.

Oh no, what happened to swoop?

Well hank, looks like you're up.

Wait, what?

Aren't you the backup mascot?

Oh yeah, I just, I feel like I haven't earned it yet.

Hank, you earn it by taking it.

When you get your chance, you show them why you deserve it.

Um, excuse me, I-- I'm actually the backup mascot.

Oh perfect, come with me.

You got this hank.

Yeah, I got this.

Hey, uh, call me if you ever need anything

Punted or whatever.

[announcer] - and another touchdown for the giants.

This is a beatdown for the ages.

- Yeah, this team sucks. Here can you take this?

I'm done.

Uh.

Yo, hank!

Hank!

There he is.

Oh, hey there, owner guy.

So, appreciate the opportunity, but, uh, I'm officially

Announcing my retirement.

You're a liar!

There was no mark hoagies on the 2017 staff.

I knew I should have at least spent five minutes researching

Before impulsively hiring you as head coach of the multi

Billion dollar nfl franchise.

Whoa, you're disrespecting a super bowl champion!

Is that ring even real?

Uh, it better be.

You know how much I paid for this fricken thing?

I mean, uh, I, how much I earned this?

- It's fake.

Pfft, okay, that's ridiculous.

- Oh, yeah?

Where's your name?

Where's my na--? Wait, what are you talking about?

- Those rings have names have names engraved on them.

Show me your name.

Okay, well, uh, there it is, right there, see?

- Really? Your name is made in china?

It's pronounced madden chee nah, okay?

It's gaelic.

You're full of crap, hoagies.

Take this clown to eagle's jail.

Ha!

Friggin' knew eagle's jail was real.

Well, looks like your, uh, skinny buddy is

Going to eagle's jail.

Eagle's jail? That's a real thing?

Oh yeah, some bad dudes down there.

Oh god, david, it won't last five minutes.

I gotta go get him out of there.

Okay, but you're not gonna find it.

It's in a secret spot way below the stadium.

Uh, how do you know so much about eagle's jail?

You could say I've, uh, done a few stints, if you will.

- Well, can you take me there?

- Oh, I can, but I gotta warn you.

I'm really drunk.

[dramatic music]

Good thing you're here today.

Sadly under such unfortunate circumstances.

Just doing my job, you know.

Hey, this place is awesome.

- Indeed.

This is our mascot and fan engagement lab.

Oh, cool.

What's, uh, what's that?

That's our prototype for an infinite hot dog.

Please, help yourself.

Whoa.

Let's get you suited up.

Unfortunately, our primary swoop suit was damaged in the fall.

This is our prototype for a next generation mascot.

Now, the tech is still in beta, so be careful out there.

Fortunately, you're a trained mascot operator, so we have

100 percent confidence in you.

[shove]

[cell door slams]

[growling]

How yous all doin'? Heh...

Hey, go birds. Heh, heh.

[sniff]

- You smell like a giants fan.

- Your kind don't last long around here.

- Oh, god.

Ah--ah, listen, I'm not really a giants fan.

I'm just, I'm just from new york.

[crowd]

[sigh]

Okay, hank, you can do this.

[♪♪♪]

[clapping and cheering]

Alright, here goes nothing.

[beep]

[fireworks]

Whoa.

[beep]

[cannon fire]

[clapping and cheering]

Ooh, doughnut press.

[beep]

[boom]

[rocket engines]

[gibberish]

Ohhhh... My god!

[engines stopping]

Oh geez!

Ahhh.....

Oh...

Okay...Ah..Ah...

[beep, beep, beep]

Okay, come on.

You got this, hank.

[wings opening]

[beep, beep, beep]

[whoosh]

Oh, oh,oh...

[splat]

[grunting]

Oh, no.

Ben franklin bridge trolls!

Uh, okay, here we go.

Now this trash can, this looks familiar, I know this.

It's on wheels.

Oh yeah, I know, that's what I, uh, that's the thing I

Remember about it, yeah, so.

Hmm, which way?

Ah, I thought you said you've been to eagle's

Jail a bunch of times.

Sorry, I never remember the part where I get sent there,

Only the, uh, the part where I leave.

Wait, I know what to do.

I just walk backwards.

[footsteps]

[dramatic music]

Wait, so you were made in a mascot lab?

Yes.

We were failed attempts at creating a fun little

Sidekick for swoop.

They combined the dna of benjamin franklin

With feral pigskin.

What they didn't know was that some of benjamin franklin's

Gout got into the mix and it made us very cranky!

Yeah!

Prepare to meet your death!

Ben franklin style!

Raise the key!

[chanting]

Uh oh.

If we can't be the mascot then no one can!

[dramatic music]

[kicks]

[screaming]

[splashes]

Damn, I thought these things were just a myth!

Yeah.

Hey, well, uh, thanks for rescuing me, uh, sorry to

Bug you during the game.

Ah, it was a blowout.

I'm glad you called me.

So, uh, whaddya say we grab a cold blue one on me?

That sounds great.

Wow, that's crazy.

I never thought about it that way.

If I were born in new york, I'd be a giants fan?

Exactly.

Wait a minute, I-- I thought people was fans of other

Teams cause they're jerks.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

What about cowboys fans?

Are they just regular people too?

Yeah, even cowboys fans.

Whoa.

Hey!

Unbelievable disrespect.

- Mark?

David, what the hell are you doing here?

Oh, he killed swoop.

I did not kill swoop, okay?

I bopped him with a beer.

You guys know each other?

Yeah, this is actually mark, my neighbor.

Hello.

Hi.

Hi, mark.

Hey, david, they know you're a, uh, g I a n t s

Fan, or --

Hey, we can spell!

- Yeah, we know he's a glanst fan.

Come on.

- Let me, uh, introduce you to the guys.

So this is bruce.

He threw a battery at eli manning.

Oh, I remember that. That was awesome, man.

This is kyle.

He purposely threw up on a seven year old girl.

Guilty.

And you know that whole, uh, hitting santa with

Snowballs incident from 1968?

Of course.

Yeah, that was actually, uh, terry.

No way!

You've been in here for over 50 years just for that?

Yeah, well, they let me out in 81, and I did it again.

And then I did it again in 97, and, well, three strikes,

You're out, I suppose.

Damn, dude, you must really hate santa claus.

Oh, I do.

I really do.

[dramatic music]

So, what'd you do to end up in eagle's jail?

He coached the eagles to their worst blowout in history.

Oh, great.

Get lost, steve.

Will you relax, hoagies.

I just came to get you out of here, baby.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

All you gotta do is kiss my ring and apologize to all

Of us legitimate super bowl champions for making a mockery

Of our prestigious fraternity.

No fricken chance, steve.

Suit yourself.

Have fun rotting in here with all these low class dirt balls.

You fit right in, hoagies.

Hey, screw you, jerk.

Boo!

Wait, wait, wait. I'll kiss it.

I'll kiss the ring.

[door slams]

[sigh]

Hey, you know what?

I'd rather be down here with you guys than up in those luxury box

Suites with those rich jerks.

I mean that's sort of a false dichotomy, and we

Could also just be home.

Well, here we are.

Eric, what are you doing back here?

Oh, hey, bruce.

Just helping out my friend here.

Tammy?

David?

Oh, thank god you're okay.

Tam? What the hell?

Mark?

The hell are you doing in here?

I guess that ring really got you some first class access, huh?

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

These are my people, okay?

The real old school hard nosed fans.

Oh, yeah.

Like david, right?

Yeah, like david.

Oh, actually, can you take a picture of me hanging out

With my new meathead friends?

I wanna show andrea.

Okay, guys, everybody, come here.

Okay, one, two, three.

Eagles suck!

[punch]

[thud]

Man, this place has changed.

Oh my god, look how expensive that beer is.

I mean, how do you even get drunk?

Why don't we go grab a drink somewhere else?

Uh... Actually, I-- I'll catch up with you guys, alright?

Okay, see ya, terry.

Bye, terry.

[dramatic music]

[splat]

I guess some things never change.