Original subtitles

Yo, you pumped for next Saturday?

Uh, what's next Saturday?

Only the best sporting event of the year:

day �Three � of the NFL draft.

Oh, what about round one?

Nah, nah Hank. The last rounds are the best.

That's where you get the best stories:

like the farmer's kid with no legs

who's Dad teaches him how to kick field goals with his hands.

Oh yeah. That sounds inspiring. I'm already getting choked up.

Booya! Do svidaniya! [Farewell!]

What are you freaking out about over there?

My buddy sent me the dash cam video of

that accident on Route 70. Check it out. Boom!

Right through the uprights./ Damn!/ Holy crap!

Eighty miles an hour into the back of a dump truck.

Oh man. That's not good.

It is for me.

This guy right here's a cold-blooded contract killer,

probably on his way to break my kneecaps.

Psycho thinks I owe him two hundred grand.

So do you?

- Doesn't matter now.

Guy's bolognese.

[car pulls up] Hey hun. How was work?

Oh it was rough. Got a patient in real bad shape.

Drove eighty miles per hour into the back of a dump truck.

Now he's in a coma.

Ah that's a shame Tam... he's gonna die though right?

Eh, it's pretty touch and go,

but I think there's a decent chance he could make it.

Oh boy. [gulps]

[?????]

? Well, I used to work at a hot dog factory. ?

? Until them robots came along. ?

? And now there is no job for me ?

? But I get 3,000 bucks a month ?

? Thanks to UBI

? Now we're Universal Basic Guys. ?

? It may not sound like much. ?

? But we're still gonna try ?

? We're just Universal Basic Guys ?

Okay, what are we thinking here Hank?

We could go wings? We wanna go mozzarella sticks?

Ooh those all sound good.

Maybe we get the Big Fiesta Sampler Tower?

C'mon Hank.

80 bucks for nachos and jalape�o poppers?

That thing is for tools.

Yo, can we get two Big Fiesta Sampler Towers

for the table?

To the best ad team in South Jersey!

Wooo!! Yo, yo!

Announcement: our team here just closed the Ding-a-Ling account

and in honor of that,

we're buying a round of Ding-a-Lings

for everyone in here!

Woooo!!!

Man these guys must be pretty rich.

Nah, nah, nah Hank.

They're just acting like big shots, okay.

It's all going on the corporate card.

- You get a Ding-a-Ling!

You get a Ding- a-Ling!

No thanks. I'm good.

Oh c'mon, Mark. It's free beer.

I don't do handouts, Hank.

What about UBI?

No, that's not a handout, okay.

That's an investment in people, okay?

We're pioneering a new path for humanity.

True.

And it's not like we can get fancy jobs

like those guys.

Pfft! You kidding me, Hank?

If I wanted a job like that I could get one in a second.

I don't know, Mark.

It's been a while since you worked in an office, no?

Let me tell you Hank, if I'd gone into advertising,

I'd be friggin Don Draper by now.

Oh you mean the sad alcoholic guy

who was bad at relationships?

Yeah... That guy was the man.

Hank?

Okay, Hank. So that's how you wanna play it?

I'll show you what a real ad man looks like.

Hey how ya doin', Mark Hoagies.

Oh you want me to handle the Tiffany's account?

I can handle that.

- Woah. Look at you.

What's the occasion?

Oh hey! Yeah,

I got a big job interview coming up.

Gotta look the part- Woah!

Oh wow... okay... that's a... you got a new haircut?

Wow Mark, I didn't think you'd notice.

Oh it's uh... It's definitely noticeable.

Oh thanks.

You know, I've been listening to this

Brene Brown interview

and she inspired me to be vulnerable.

She was saying how a new haircut could be empowering

so I just sort of took the leap.

So, what do you think? Do you like it?

Uh...yeah. No it looks... It looks great hon.

Really brings out your natural...um...

face.

Okay, well, gotta go.

Love you hon!

I would say I see myself getting ripped

but not like the gross kind of ripped.

Like I don't want the veins popping out everywhere.

You know what I mean? I don't wanna be too veiny.

Right.

I meant where do you see yourself

in five years professionally?

Okay yeah um...

I don't know, "Head of Global Marketing."

We don't have a Global Marketing Department.

Well, not yet.

Nailed it.

- Nice.

Yo Hank I'm gonna go check out the amenities here.

Hey, where's the espres--

you guys got like one of them fancy espresso machines.

Hello. Are you also here to interview?

I'm just here to be supportive.

Love that attitude.

I'm Joan, head of HR. Why don't you come on back.

Okay.

[Mark]: Hey where's the pool?

Oh yo, this is delicious yo.

Hank! They got the good granola bars here.

Hank?

- Oh I can do ads for sure, but subtracting,

ooh I'll need a calculator.

[laughter]

Well, congratulations on your new internship.

Aw wow, well done Hank-man!

You got yourself a little internship.

Good for you buddy.

- And congrats to you too, Mark.

Hank speaks very highly of you,

so you're also gonna be an intern.

Okay wait. So just to clarify,

when you say "intern"... you're talking about

international accounts right?

I'm head of international accounts?

[laughter]

You both start on Monday.

[office worker]: Hey, who took my granola bar?

Yo yo yo! Rise and grind, baby! Let's do it.

Hey Mark.

Weren't we supposed to be here at nine?

Ehhh. Rookie move, Hank.

That's how you end up in the mailroom.

Showing up late is a classic power move.

You gotta establish early

that you don't play by the rules.

They want to make me an intern? Fine. Okay, you watch.

Those bozos from TJs aren't gonna know

what hit 'em when they all report to me.

What the hell is that intern wearing?

Is he drinking scotch?

At 11 AM?

- Hey guys.

What's good sweetheart?

- Yeah, don't call me that.

Are you the new interns?

Yup.

Well I need one of you to make copies.

[slurping]

Uh, I could do it.

Uh what are you doing, Hank?

- Making copies.

Oh come on, you never make the copies okay.

Once you start making copies

you're gonna be stuck making copies

for the rest of your life.

They're looking for sharks, they're not looking for sheep.

Aw I like sheep.

They're like little clouds that run around.

Hey, you mind making a fresh pot of coffee?

We got a big presentation coming up.

Of course. Yeah. No problem.

Okay sheep.

No.

I want you to make it.

Oh yeah? You want me to make your coffee?

Yeah.

I do.

Alright...well you ask a shark to make your coffee?

You're gettin' the shark brew...

What's the shark brew?

Ah just the ole "Irish Butt Blaster."

A little "Laxy Latte."

Yo this guy thinks he's the king of the castle?

Well let's see how he feels when he's sitting

on the throne all day.

Yo this is gonna be classic... [Bang]!

- Oh!

Ah, crap. What the hell. Yo, a little help here, please?

Uh.

What the hell happened here?

Your coffee maker's a piece of crap.

That's what happened.

Well now you're gonna have to go on a coffee run.

Sweet. Hank, you're driving. [ice cubes rattling]

Four large coffees,

three cold brews, a caramel macchiato...

- Carla.

And one large iced cinnamon dolce mochaccino

with extra whipped in a James Taylor:

American Folk Legends souvenir travel carafe.

Ope. That's me.

Will that be all?

Let me see, Hank you want anything else?

I don't think we're really supposed to--

Hank, get used to it okay.

Soon this card's gonna have my name on it.

You watch. Okay.

Lemme get a half dozen of those cake pops

and that cool clear mug with the pole right there.

The French press?

Yeah yeah. Let me get two of those.

Yo you see the Sixers game last night?

It's like come on, pass it to the big guy!

What are they doin?! It's unbelievable.

Uh. Can I help you?

- Here you go.

Ah, appreciate it.

What's your name?

-Oh uh... Mark. -Hank.

Thanks, Hank.

Appreciate it Hank. You can go.

He's a good kid, you know. Taking him under my wing.

Can you get out of my office?

Ope, hold on gotta take this sorry...

Bob Iger.

Yo Iger the Tiger, how the hell are ya?!

He calls me "Mark the Shark." It's like a whole thing.

I'll get outta here.

Loving the new Star Wars stuff Iger.

Yeah not sure what you're doing with Shazam, though.

I woulda stuck with Shaq.

But hey. I'm not here to tell you

how to do your job.

You don't tell me how to do my job.

Mark, do you need something? Can I get back to work?

Mernft Man?

Yo, Tam. Woah. New haircut?

- Yeah. Do you like it?

Be honest. It's okay if you don't.

Uh...nah it looks good.

You look like a,

uh, hot Mark Davis.

What does that mean?

Ah it just means it...you know. Looks...looks nice.

Hmmm.

Okay one of these here-

What are you doing in here?

Oh hey Tam...this is a...uh...

a colleague of mine.

Why are you messing with those cords?

Oh you know, just checking to make sure

everything's where it's supposed to be.

Which one of these is the "lifeline"?

I just want to make sure that one stays in.

Mernft.

Okay Tam listen,

you gotta understand... this is a real rotten vegetable

if you know what I mean.

Okay, time for you to leave.

Out you go.

If I catch you in here again messing with the equipment,

I'm gonna put you in a coma.

"Chewbly's Gum:

The kid in you wants it.

The adult in you needs it."

Eh, too many words.

How about...

"Slay, Bubble Queen.

Yeah, It's a mood."

No no.

We're overthinking this.

Hank, right?

Uh. Yeah.

Hank, you ever had Chewbly's Gum?

I love Chewbly's.

What is it you like about it?

I mean I like that it's pink... and it tastes good.

I love it. "It's pink and it tastes good!"

Classic,

simple.

Nice, Hank.

Maxey for the win!

Ehh. Goaltending.

Mark, can I speak to you in my office?

Perhaps this is my fault

for not articulating the rules and expectations clearly enough.

'Preciate that Joan. Takes a big woman to admit that.

Sorry, "plus-sized" woman.

Anyway, what's up Tootz?

If you call me that one more time,

you're out of here.

Listen. I'm a disruptor okay. Do things a little unorthodox.

Oh! Is that why you're parking

in the CEO's spot?

Hey. Shark mentality.

I see a spot, I take it.

Yeah well, don't.

Also, no more naps in the lactation room.

Okay, those are power naps.

Also, it is 2024, Joan. Men can breastfeed, come on.

Mark, I'm giving you one more chance.

Don't blow it.

Ah! Friggin' Joan! She got me!

I got Joaned!

Hank,

can I speak with you for a moment?

Oooh buddy, dead man walking!

You do not want to be called into

Joan's office today okay. Mama is in a mood!

Oh geez.

Poor kid, getting canned.

Ah the old pink slip, huh? Sorry, pal.

Actually, no. It's a W-4.

I got promoted to Junior Account Coordinator!

[spits drink]

Wait, what?!

[watching football]

Hey Mark.

Hank.

I, uh, need you to make me a photocopy.

Nah I'm good.

It's just one copy, Mark.

I don't make the copies, Hank. That's you, you make the copies.

Okay, yeah.

- No, Hank. You don't make copies anymore.

Mark makes the copies.

Ugh. Fine.

Ughhhhh!

Woah. You can attach a PDF to a calendar invite!?

Oh this is awesome.

Oh, Hank.

You're too funny.

[laughter]

Oh, I see what's going on here.

What's that, Mark?

You dipping your dog in the company mustard?

Wait I thought we were allowed to use

the condiments in the fridge.

See I know what you are.

You're a shark in sheep's clothing.

Well played, Hank.

Well friggin' played.

Actually, Mark. Can you re-do this?

It looks like you copied your tie onto it.

Are you kidding me?

Unbelievable. Unbelievable!

What happened to you, Hank?

I don't even recognize you anymore.

Uh yeah. Sorry, Mark, it's just you know,

this copy's important.

It's for the Green Valley presentation.

Mr. Martin said it's the biggest pitch of the quarter.

Biggest pitch of the quarter, eh?

You know what?

Maybe I will make those copies...

Okay there we go. That's better.

Uh, excuse me!

Hey Tammy, you see this?

Guy's "DNR." Do not resuscitate.

Stop futzing with this guy!

Tam, you don't understand. This guy is bad news.

I'm talkin' certified sicko with a bigger body count

than "The Iceman" Kuklinski.

They call him the Butcher of Belarus,

aka Boris Big Eyes.

Boris Big Eyes?

Yeah 'cause the last thing his victims see

is his cold, bulging blue eyes

before he guts em like a pig.

Ick. Gross.

Listen, all I'm saying is, the world,

and my bank account, would be in a better place

if this guy...went away.

Sorry but I took an oath.

I'm not here to judge, I'm here to save lives.

Oh, would you look at that?

A life- saving organ donor!

So we're gonna update the logo on the lower third

and increase the font size so--

Uh...

Old people.

Our mothers.

Our fathers.

Our grandparents.

We don't like to think about them doin' it with each other.

But they do. And the data shows it.

I mean, it's not like you're gettin' pregnant at ninety

so it's a little bit of a YOLO situation

you know what I mean? This guy knows

what I'm talkin' about.

Excuse me, what the hell are you doing?

Well hold on Ed, let's hear him out.

What are you getting at?

Sex sells.

It always has.

Always will.

But there's one group that has been tragically overlooked

by this effective marketing strategy--

geriatric people.

Green Valley Nursing Home:

We put the "Ass" in "Assisted Living."

Good luck at your next meeting.

You know it's a real shame.

I could've gone to a lot of places.

But I chose Miller & Miller,

'cause I thought this place was different.

Turns out,

it's just another toxic work environment.

Now you know what they say: if you can't join 'em,

beat 'em. That's right.

I'm starting my own ad agency

where we embrace bold ideas and celebrate diversity.

So, who's coming with me?

[silence]

Okay, fine.

Hank, let's go.

Uh... sorry, Mark.

Me and the guys are heading to TJ Wooderhan's

for a couple Big Fiesta Sampler Towers.

Okay.

Okay.

I see.

Enjoy your sampler towers you idiots.

Good afternoon, Tammy--

woah,

new haircut?

Oh! Yes actually!

It's...uh...

brave.

Oh thank you!

You know I'm trying to be more fearless

with my self expression.

Right.

Anyway, what's the status on Boris here?

Still in a coma, but his vitals are stable.

Alright, well keep me updated.

I just got off the phone with Children's Hospital.

Had an influx of sick children

who could really use this guy's organs.

Anyway, let me know...

you know, if he dies...

so we can save kids.

Later, Tammy!

Walt. Deb.

What a pleasant surprise.

You paid for our limo.

Is this a private residence?

Every great industry disruptor starts in a garage.

Jeff Jobs,

Steve Bezos,

William Wonka.

Please have a seat in one of my several Eames chairs.

Wait. Why do you look familiar?

He's the creep

who put lemon party into a slideshow.

But you gotta admit. It was memorable!

Yes.

Wish I could forget.

I think we're all set here.

Let's go Walt.

Hold on, hold on.

Just hear me out okay. All I need is five minutes.

If you're not wowed, you'll never hear from me again.

Wait-- I don't understand.

I thought you guys were excited about the new campaign.

Sorry, Ed, but we think it's time

we go in another direction.

This new agency is getting Eagles quarterback Jayden Pain

to tattoo "Green Valley Nursing Home"

on his face!

Woah that's awesome.

For only $3000 dollars.

What? You're kidding.

I know it sounds crazy, but if this guy can deliver,

we gotta go with him.

Dammit.

Green Valley's been our biggest client for twenty years.

Okay so... What's our play?

I don't know yet.

But if we lose this account,

we're gonna have to make some serious cutbacks.

Yo Mark.

How you doing bud?

Wow, looks fancy in here.

Parting gifts from Martin & Martin.

What's up?

You know I haven't heard from you

since you er, left the office.

Just seeing if you wanted to grab lunch or somethin'.

Nah. Today's no good. Got back-to-backs all afternoon.

So how are things over at that toxic hellscape

that you work at?

Eh. Not great, you know,

Rick thinks we're gonna lose the Green Valley account.

Sorry to hear that.

Miss having you around though. Brought you something.

They didn't have any more of the James Taylors

so I got you the Simon and Garfield.

I hope that's okay. [phone buzzing]

Hey listen, I gotta take this okay?

Okay. Well, good to see you, Mark.

So we good or what?

Just cause I work for the Eagles doesn't mean

I can simply hand out meetings

with starting quarterbacks, Hoagies.

Steve, you gotta understand.

I'm offering him a once-in-a-lifetime

branding opportunity here.

Oh that's great, but what's in it for me?

How 's five hundred bucks sound?

Hah. That'll maybe get you like 10 minutes

with a long snapper,

not Jayden Pain, you friggin moron.

Steve, you're killing me!

How about I throw in an Eames chair?

Listen. I ain't got time for games, Hoagies.

I get enough of that from my wife's divorce attorney.

Ooh you know what, how 's this sound:

You hook me up,

I'll have Tammy talk to Leanne about letting you keep the boat.

Now we're talking.

You got two minutes, Hoagies.

That's all I need.

Mike Tyson.

Post Malone.

Lil Wayne.

What do these famous celebrities have in common?

Drug issues?

No no no...

okay well maybe, but look closely.

[click]

...they all got tattoos on their face dude.

Ohhhh right.

Nothing elevates an athlete's brand

like a facial tattoo.

The difference between you and those losers?

They didn't get paid.

Hello?

Boris?! Can you hear me?

Where am I?

Okay listen.

You were in a car accident and you-

Get this off me. I have knees to break.

Fat man owe me two hundred thousand.

Okay I need you to relax, hun.

-You're still not ready to- -Get away from me!

No no no.

You need those.

Don't tell me what to-

Woah.

Ho.

That is really bad haircut man woah.

Wait, what?

I thought I was butcher.

Your barber way worse.

You know what. It's fine.

I made this choice for me and me only.

I don't care what people think.

Yes this is obvious.

You are clearly strong woman

to not care that everybody is thinking

about how ugly that hair-

[beeeeeeep]

Tell Children's Hospital we got a donor.

Room 824.

So... did you get us Jayden Pain?

Did I get Jayden Pain?

Did I get Jayden Pain?

No.

But I got you someone way better.

I want you to meet...

Eric. Eric, come on out here.

Who the hell is Eric?

A legendary Eagles super-fan.

I mean this guy is basically the mascot.

Let's go Birds.

Eric, why don't you show them the tattoo.

His face was already spoken for.

Uh Eric no. Not that one.

Oh sorry.

Boom.

Uh...this is not what we were expecting.

Yeah. You said you'd get us Jayden Pain.

Nah nah. You don't understand okay.

When Eric takes off his shirt and starts dancing,

he's a fricken' Jumbotron magnet okay.

His body is prime real estate.

This guy is like the Times Square of Eagles fans

right here.

Hmm. I mean... it is permanent.

Walt, he promised us Jayden Pain.

I-- listen I understand okay.

But here's the thing.

Players, they aren't loyal.

[sentimental music starts] They change teams.

They retire.

They get cut. But fans,

fans are always there.

Cheering you on.

Supporting you.

They've always got your back,

rain or shine.

And those are the same values I care about

when I'm looking for a home for my aging loved ones.

[slow clap] - Not bad.

Not bad at all.

Well you've definitely given us something to think about.

This is gonna devastate Martin & Martin

but it's too good to pass up.

Listen, the truth is

I think you should stick with Martin and Martin.

I hear they got a new guy there who's a superstar.

But...we like your pitch.

Yeah, we want to go with Mark Men.

Actually, you know what?

Just got a message here from Eric's doctor.

Says his liver's all jacked up.

Probably gonna be dead in a year.

Oh no...

Poor Dr. Rosen.

[pop]

Congrats, everybody!

Green Valley and Martin & Martin are back in business!

Cheers!

Hey Rick. Can I have a word?

We need to talk about your expenses.

Oh come on.

Is this about the round of Ding-a-Lings?

I mean we were celebrating!

Ten thousand dollars in scotch?

Four Eames chairs?

Wait, what?

The Denver Broncos select... D'Lucas D'Gardner,

Defensive Back, Penn State.

Damn. Broncos just got the blind kick returner.

Oh yeah. Nice.

Hey, Mark.

Yooo, there he is!

What the hell? Those bastards fire you?

Nah, I actually got promoted again.

Oh yeah?

Yeah. Rick got fired. So they bumped me up.

Yo that's awesome dude. Proud of you, bud.

Thanks, Mark. 'Preciate it.

But apparently being an account manager means

I gotta work weekends. So I gave my notice.

What are you talkin--

You're killin' it over there. Why'd you do that?

There's no way I'm missing

Day 3 of the draft with you, Mark.

It's the best day!

It's the best day.

This just in,

Philadelphia quarterback Jayden Pain

has unveiled some new ink this season...

Damnit!

[door closes]

I just had the worst day ever.

I was let go.

Oh no. I'm so sorry, honey.

How are we gonna afford that new seeing eye dog

for little Shelby?

Well, Rick.

It turns out, we might not need it.

Wait. What?

They found a donor.

Shelby! Daddy's home!

- Daddy, I can see!

Oh my god.

- You're so handsome!

I can't believe it.

This is the best day of my life!

[horror music]

Shelby are you excited to see all the colors?

[horror music]

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