Original subtitles

This is affecting my work, Shay!

Oh, my God.

You actually care, don't you?

- No! Get off of me! - Ah!

I'm not going to apologize to Roberta Matheson

and if you have an issue with that, let me know.

Well, the Theo you knew when we were residents would have told him...

everything happens for a reason.

You don't believe that anymore?

You own stock in the company that's marketing the ICD.

Sure that that's not a conflict?

Not according to the ethics board.

That's what you come up with? My morals take too much space?

Do you think I'm naive because I wanna be happy?

No! I think you burn things down when they don't match your impossible standards.

And you think you don't deserve things.

I was waiting 'til I was a doctor again.

There's a part of me too that all it knows is how to survive.

Do you think you can help me?

Okay sir, take slow, deep breaths.

Lean forward.

Uh...

I'm so sorry about this.

Uh, I'll get another one.

'Kay.

Sports help.

Learn about hockey.

He shouldn't have to front like that, should he?

I'd rather be alone with my thoughts than force something I'm not.

You never say anything, Bashir.

Four sessions, not a word.

He doesn't have to. And you know that.

Thank you. See you next week.

Hey man, fair disclosure.

You told me before you even joined this group

that you hate the sound of your own voice when you complain, and I told you

I don't care if you come for a whole year without ever speaking up, so...

This was my father's.

I've used it every day since I was a doctor in this country.

What a beautiful keepsake.

Hmm... I think I shouldn't have been using it.

Then you would never have enjoyed it.

But I ruined it.

This instrument lived a life.

It breaking doesn't diminish that.

Then why can I only see the pieces?

Have you and I spoken about what we call rumination?

It means--

It's a constant pattern of negative thinking.

I was going to say,

if we keep doing what we're doing,

we keep getting what we're getting.

How much do you know about the therapeutic use of psilocybin?

You want me to take magic mushrooms?

I want us to find a way to punch your brain in the face.

So Mister Coswell can leave.

Weren't you on twelve to twelve last night? It's almost two.

Mrs. Oliveri's fever didn't break so I booked her for a chest X-ray.

Look at you, remembering everyone's names.

Makes me miss the days of Eye Pain needs his cath drained.

Is that Shay?

First names now?

Show off.

Hey, what are you doing here?

You hurt yourself?

Technically no. I got here at like four.

They had me in triage for three hours. Another one for two.

I told them my pain was a four but now...

it feels like a nine.

- What kind of pain, Shay? - Right side, really sharp.

I was worried about appendicitis.

She was sent to CT. I'll go check if it's back.

Yeah.

Why didn't you tell them to call me?

They said the wait was for some big car crash overnight.

I figured you'd be busy.

Plus I... didn't know if you wanted me explaining us to people.

I mean you could've texted.

Yeah, well, I was staying up to work on this paper

and thought you'd just say I was being dramatic or, I don't know, just making it worse.

That'd be pretty hypocritical of me. I mean, I was up all night too.

Yeah, saving people, not writing an essay

about how unlikely it is that we'll ever stop climate chan--

Ow! - Okay...

You know, it was smart of you to come in. You have acute appendicitis.

I'm gonna have to get you into surgery. - Surgery? No, I...

Look. It's fine, okay?

We can do it laparoscopically, there's no big incision.

You'll be there?

Yeah. Look, I know you're scared, okay?

But, I've done hundreds of these, so I got you.

But we... we'd been talking about turning it into a two-year lease.

You didn't even tell me you were putting it on the market.

Yeah, well, maybe I will get a lawyer.

- A lawyer? - Yeah.

The owner of my place is selling. I have to move. - When?

I know it's not the end of the world but I've been trying to get on top of health,

and work, and you know, live my life, and now I have to find a place.

You know you can... you can stay with me.

- No, I-I-I wasn't saying... - No, no, I'm offering.

But it would only be like a temporary offer. Right?

Just until Amira comes back, not-not...

- Well, permanently? No, we can talk about that... - 'Cause I wasn't saying...

No, it's just... When Amira comes back, it might be...

...be impossible. Let me go!

Need some help over here! Hey! Hey!

- Here! - Hey, hey, up, up!

Eyes open! - Ouch! Stop jerking me around, man!

- Eyes open, come on. - What happened?

This idiot got into it with us.

Van seemed like she was okay, but she passed out in the car.

Did she fall or hit her head?

Cheese jostled her around a lil' bit.

- Trying to get-- - Shut up and wait here!

He needs attention. Take him to triage?

No, I'm gonna stay with her. Arnold!

Do you know how many weeks she is?

Just that she was supposed to go on maternity leave.

She stayed on a week longer. - Lines and a monitor! I need vitals ASAP.

Calm down, man, you got me.

Pulse is thready. She's cyanotic.

Slow resp rate. Unless you wanna check for a fetal heart rate?

I really hope she's okay.

I hope she's okay!

Bash?

Bash!

Uh-uh... there's a heartbeat.

Let's get the fetal monitor up.

- What's wrong with her? - Pupils are constricted.

Nail beds are blue. Do you think that she's...

Arnold, uh, naloxone, two milligram IV push.

Naloxone, you... you think she's OD'ing?

Heart rate's 53 bpm. Pressure's 100 over 70.

Okay, pushing naloxone...

Could she have come into contact with anything at the scene?

Uh, fentanyl. Cheese deals it.

Pressure's still dropping, guys.

BP too. Let's push epi, maybe more naloxone.

We need a crash cart in case. We should really get him looked at.

Yeah, security can take him. Arnold, if you want to come back?

Yeah. Come with me please.

Mags? Claire's asking for you.

A patient that you know in curtain 6 is--

No, that's gonna have to wait...

Fetal heart rate's slowing, she's still OD'ing.

Are you ready to pee for us, Darcy?

Okay, do you think you will be in a little bit?

I already went this morning.

You did? Where?

Yesterday it was in his bed, last week it was the bathtub.

Is it that you can't hold it, buddy?

Or that you can't feel when you have to go?

Okay, does it hurt when you pee?

Right. Alright I'm gonna go talk to your mom, okay?

UTIs can cause confusion and loss of control,

but in kids, they're usually septic by that point, and Darcy definitely is not.

I keep thinking what if it's us?

Let's not play the blame game until we know where we are at medically.

Thank you.

You're so nice. - Right.

Well, uh, if you can think of any other changes, you let me know.

Oh! Actually, um, he has lost a bit of weight

since his dad took us off meat and dairy.

Oh... Sorry.

I had to go across the street to find the place that sells this.

Doctor Hunter wants to test for a UTI.

Can we maybe also talk to a psychiatrist?

I feel Darcy's having a stress response to how much you've been working.

Uh, we, uh... we can look into that.

Great! I'll get some fluids in him.

Hey buddy! How you doing?

How's the pregnant cop?

We stabilized her twice but every time the naloxone wears off her O-two drops.

Did her partner come back? - Arnold took him to security.

He called this in. Has OB come down?

Coming. Bash is still with Van, and I have another patient waiting.

- Mags? - What?

You are vibrating.

Take a beat if you need it, okay? - Okay.

Angry dad alert.

You know the kid with blue-green algae poisoning?

Okay, well, I can take a lot, but his father has been on me every five--

Okay, I'll handle it if you can get the kid in three to pee into a cup.

Doctor Hunter?

Doctor Hunter, it's been three hours.

You told me he was gonna get admitted.

Yes, I'm sorry, Mister Hamilton, unfortunately,

internal medicine is still waiting on a bed for Winston.

But he's still throwing up. He can't keep anything down--

Okay, I will go check on him after I see this next patient.

No! Oh no!

I'm not here for you, I wanna talk to him.

Mags, what are you doing here?

I asked Nancy to grab her.

Patrick is part of Doctor Fisher's ICD study.

Did Fisher send you down here to get rid of me?

'Cause you can't bounce a bouncer, Mags.

Doctor Hunter? My son really needs to see someone.

I'm an emerg doc now, Patrick.

Yeah, well, I want a different emerg doctor now.

Doctor Hunter, Darcy's dad says he can't have any sugar.

Alright, alright! Everyone just uh, hold on, for one minute.

Doctor Hunter.

Everything under control?

Everything's fine, thanks.

Mags? - Yes, got it.

No, she doesn't!

I don't care what we have to give that kid, just get him peeing.

Mister Hamilton, I am so sorry for the wait,

I will page internal again.

And we'll tell you the bed shortage is province-wide

and we would love for you to write to your MP.

Uh, this is Doctor Bergeron.

Mister Hamilton, I'll be right in to see Winston.

Maybe we can get a jump on some treatment while we're waiting on a bed upstairs?

Thank you.

Call me next time things get hairy?

Man.

I thought the working conditions in the bar business were rough.

Patrick was saying he's been dizzy and uncoordinated?

Since his ICD gave him a shock last night.

A shock? Did you go into arrhythmia?

Yeah, right in the middle of burgers with my grandkid.

I felt a tiny flutter and bam!

But my real problems started after that.

Mm. Did you come see Fisher's team?

Well, I called, they looked at my data

and told me to take my blood thinners but...

I was so out of it today I almost crashed my bike.

Oh. Not Maurice.

No, uh, he's okay.

It scared me, Mags.

His pressure's steady at 200 over 120.

What's his baseline? - High, but not that high.

Do you still smoke?

If I say yes, will you tell me this is all my fault?

Look, I managed to get it down to five a week, okay?

I know it's not perfect but-- - Patrick, that's a huge improvement.

That's what I said to Fisher!

And all she said was, "Yeah, well, zero's the goal."

Look.

I don't like this thing inside me.

If I want it out, they have to do it, right?

Before we make any drastic decisions,

let me try getting to the bottom of what happened, okay?

You abandoned me, Mags.

I'm sorry.

- Oh... - Are you okay?

Should half my face feel numb?

- No, it shouldn't. - But...

- Lie down for me? - What...

- Here. Okay. - What's happening?

- Take my hands. - Why ha...

Okay, squeeze my fingers.

Okay, that's good. It's a good sign.

It's okay, just try to breathe, okay, Patrick?

Ah... - Just relax.

That blue-green algae kid?

Needs transfusions, monitoring. Probably surgery.

I'll start reqs, unless I should check in with Devi?

No, no need, I have been restored to my former glory.

Oh, good to know the system still supports the man failing up.

Hey, uh, any thoughts on a kid that will pee everywhere but a cup?

Eh... Dad thinks it's behavioural, Mom isn't sure.

Don't think you need me for that.

Actually, I do.

I think the mom might have been flirting with me.

Actual flirting?

Or she smiled at you, therefore she must want you?

Well, she implied that her marriage isn't great.

I-I just... I need to be careful with what I wade into.

Because Devi doesn't love you?

I did refuse to apologize when a patient complained about me.

And you know, she doesn't have years of stable Theo

to counter the recent record.

But it's really just eating at me that I don't know what's wrong with this kid.

Maybe you should take another run at the mom.

Oh, you mean, flirt with her? No, no way.

I thought you were a rebel now.

Look, if dialing up that lethal Mister Rogers charm

is what it takes to help the kid, it's worth it.

I'll even distract the dad for you.

See you later.

Okay, this is looking more inflamed than expected.

Can you clear the suction?

Uh, BP's up and O-two is down.

What do you mean? What's going on?

I don't know!

Okay, just get her on 100% oxygen.

Can you get Doctor Singh's attention?

I'm gonna stop retracting, I don't wanna risk a tear.

- Pulse ox 90% now. - Talk to me.

Her airway's compromised. I think I might've missed something?

- Anaphylactic shock? - She doesn't have any allergies.

I don't know what to do.

Doctor Curtis, we've been through

way more stressful situations with patients.

It's my sister. Okay? I know I'm not supposed

to operate on family but she's not breathing.

Does she have asthma or underlying conditions?

There's a constriction. Likely muscular.

I know you're thinking bronchospasm but wouldn't that manifest during induction?

It's rare when the patient's still under but it can happen.

At least her wheezing is audible.

Right, 'cause if she's wheezing then she's breathing.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

If she wasn't your sister, what would you do?

I would put her on five milligrams of salbutamol

and point five of ipratropium, aerosol, through an ET tube.

I'd run follow-up labs if I were you.

Bronchospasm doesn't just happen out of the blue.

I overdosed more than once?

What about my baby?

Um, the heart rate went down but it came back strong.

And the fentanyl? Did it hurt him?

We won't know for sure until after he's born,

but the fact that you're this far along, it's a very good sign.

- Jack, wha... what happened?! - Cheese.

He must've planted something on you when he came at you and he attacked you.

How? I mean, he only got one kick in before you were on him.

Did you find a patch or a contact source? - No.

I was so careful, I didn't touch anything in his place until later in the car,

I had a headache and took a pill from the hangover bottle you keep in your coat, I...

It was your fentanyl?

They just looked like regular pain pills!

I swiped a few from Cheese, okay?

What do you want? I-I didn't...

You weren't supposed to go in there!

I didn't think you were gonna do that.

I'm sorry, okay? I know it was stupid.

I know it was stupid, okay?

What does that mean?

It means you're having a contraction.

Wha...

for six weeks of data on some...

On Patrick Camby. He's in emerg.

He's a big guy. Talks about his grandkid.

Rides a motorcycle named Maurice.

Patent foramen ovale defect.

Putting him at a higher risk for a stroke from clots caused by the device.

Patrick suffered a series of mini-strokes

which started after his ICD delivered a shock.

A shock that saved his life.

Well, per his readout, the shock was only precautionary,

and now given the higher risk for a stroke, Patrick wants his ICD out.

That would be a mistake. His arrhythmia needs to be managed.

And you can't say definitively the device caused clots.

Especially given that Patrick lives pretty hard.

Not as much anymore.

Which he tried explaining to your resident.

Send him upstairs.

And by the way, Mags, according to your remote monitoring,

you've been pushing it the last few weeks.

If you wanna avoid another incident...

I'd appreciate if we stay focussed on the patients.

You're not part of this study anymore, Mags.

So the patient we should be discussing right now is you,

in my capacity as your cardiologist.

Actually you're not anymore.

I don't want a doctor who blames her patients instead of listening to them.

Mister Applebaum? I hear you are having difficulty breathing?

Uh, it's getting worse.

Your resp rate is too fast, and your O-two sats are low.

That cop messed me up, man. He hit me in the throat.

You did kick his pregnant partner.

I tripped 'cause he was all over me.

Well, now... now I'm gonna die? - Open your mouth, please.

Thank you.

Inside looks okay.

Nothing seems to be broken

but we'll do imaging just to be sure,

and we'll keep you on oxygen until everything eases up.

What about him though?

He just gets away with using me as a punching bag for his rage?

How is that right?

Well, you can take action if you'd like, Mister Applebaum.

You don't have to do nothing. - It's Cheese.

Okay.

I must've lost count on the amount of times

that I've bought goodwill with a McFlurry.

Now you can see where my son gets his defiance trait.

Hey, your secret is safe with me.

- How many do you have? - Uh, two girls.

Uh, they live in Sudbury with my ex, so... - Oh.

I probably go a little overboard on my days.

I get that.

Reid's uh, the one around more,

so it's like he took all of his purpose in life and channeled it into Darcy.

And since I'm there less... - Any second you get with Darcy,

you want it to be fun, I get it.

Yeah, exactly.

Um, I just know he can pick up on my frustration.

Uh, I'm... I'm sorry if you got the wrong idea here, uh...

Oh God, no. Uh, I'm sorry.

I've humiliated myself.

No! No, no! You just misread the situation, it's fine.

- Oh no! - Nom it's really okay, it--

No! No, no, Darcy, stop!

Honey, what are you doing?!

At least we got the sample.

Aubrey. I don't want him leaving.

They told me sixth floor cardiology.

And I'm telling you no.

Oh man.

I've trained guys on doors that are six four, two fifty,

and they didn't have that kind of ferocity.

- How you doing, Patrick? - Good.

No more tingling, whatever you gave me seem to help.

Yeah, clot-busting drugs. But I wanna keep monitoring you, so...

Oh, meaning Fisher doesn't wanna take it out.

Well, let's say I got pretty ferocious with them about not listening to you,

which is probably why she wants you upstairs because she wants to try to convince you

that I'm wrong, but-

Wait, because you lost your cool, I gotta pay for it?

I'm sorry, it's just her position on the ICD is that

if you want it out, you need to make the case yourself.

I can't, Mags, it takes multiple degrees!

- Wait! - ...to argue with a doctor like that.

It's all stats and percentages!

I've always lived my life balls out! You know?

- I know. - And what if she's right, huh?

I mean, I'm trying to do better.

And try to stick around for my daughter and her boy but...

It was stupid to think that a lifetime of bad choices wasn't gonna catch up to me.

No, don't blame yourself.

If you say that the ICD caused this, I believe you.

And you get to live the life you want.

You're the reason I signed up for this study in the first place, Mags.

Because you talk to your patients like...

like you get them.

Because I am one.

Huh?

That's the reason why I left.

My own heart gave out and I almost died.

Jeez.

You're too young for that, kid.

I'm gonna fix this. Sit tight.

'Kay.

Hey, where's Cheese?

Uh, he needed imaging for his throat. Security's with him.

- Van's baby gonna be okay? - OB's been consulting.

They don't think there's enough narcotic in him to put him in withdrawal,

but he did go without oxygen several times.

She's the only reason Cheese is still breathing.

She made me stop. It's what she does.

I don't know why I'm like this.

Do you want to come inside?

Hi Van, how are you feeling?

The OB says there's still a chance you can stop my labour.

They gave you something to slow down your contractions.

Is there anyone we can call to come support you?

Uh, the father's out of the picture.

My friend's my labour coach, I left a message, but...

I'd say to call the person who's supposed to have my back,

but he's got an anger problem and turns to booze, violence

and apparently now street fentanyl as an outlet.

Yeah, I-I'm sorry, okay, I'm...

You don't understand, I am freaked about doing the job without you.

I needed to get out of my head for a night, that's it.

I know you're your own worst enemy, but do you have to be mine?!

Ah! Ah!

I thought you said the contractions were gonna stop.

Uh... um, would you mind if I checked for dilation?

Uh... Okay.

Uh, Jack...

Wait.

Van, you're almost fully dilated.

Um, because of the risk involved, you'll have to deliver this baby in emerg.

That wasn't the plan, I can't give birth in the ER while overdosing.

What happens if I pass out again?

- We'll revive you. - I shouldn't be here.

You don't get to walk away!

- I am sorry-- - Stop being sorry!

Okay? I know you have a good heart, I just need you to prove it!

How?

I need to know you'll be there for my baby if I pass out again.

Okay, just promise me you won't let him out of your sight.

Can you do that for me, Jack? Please.

Yeah.

- You're finally awake. - Hey.

You're right, it wasn't all that bad.

Why are you taking sumatriptan?

- What? - Sumatriptan.

- Oh... I get headaches. - Is it prescribed?

No, it... it's my friend, he gets migraines, he said it might help.

The triptans may have interfered with your antidepressants,

causing something called serotonin syndrome.

You stopped breathing during the operation, Shay.

- You're upset... - I was worried.

I mean... we didn't know if we were gonna lose you.

Okay. Okay. I'm... I'm sorry.

Why are you even taking medication without a prescription?

Maybe 'cause I can be a little bit bipolar, and when I am, I get aura.

What is that... a little bit... what are... are you diagnosed bipolar?

The migraine meds help,

but they don't weigh me down like my mood stabilizers do.

Shay, you had me thinking you have depression.

I do. Also...

You know this is starting to make sense.

Not sleeping for days, the highs, the lows...

Why didn't you tell me?

It's always the edge of a knife with you.

You have this way of making me feel like all I do is disappoint you and...

You're all I have, June! Just-- - Okay.

Just breathe.

I'm still here.

but I walked away for my own health.

And to make up for that, you want me to remove an ICD in Trauma OR?

It's the only way! Patrick is at risk of a larger stroke, and Fisher won't listen to me.

Okay, look, her heart rate is all over the place.

I need you to get me a portable echo.

I'd page cardiology myself but I'm still fighting OB to keep her down here.

And you need someone you can trust.

Yeah. - Hey, um...

maybe you should try apologizing to Fisher?

She might reconsider. She's your doctor too.

Actually, she's not anymore. I fired her.

But... you don't have a cardiologist? Mags, why would you do that?

Because I needed someone I can trust too.

Look, we have to talk about this later.

- Okay. - Okay?

Can you get me the portable echo?

- Yes. - Alright, thank you.

So, let these run through,

and you can call the home care nurse or me with questions any time day or night.

- Thank you, Doctor Bergeron. - You're welcome.

You taught dad how to change saline at home?

Empower the patient, save the bed?

What did he mean, Mommy was touching the doctor?

- It isn't what you think. - Yes, it is, Reid.

He was just being nice and I got caught up,

so if you have a problem with anyone, it's with me.

Well, I've got a problem with all of it.

No, that... that is not what happened.

Uh, actually, this one's on me, with dysfunctional parents,

divide and conquer sometimes works.

Fix this, please.

Uh, the sample we got from Darcy, it smelled sugary?

Uh, kinda sticky sweet.

That's strange 'cause Dad says they don't eat sugar.

Yeah. But if Mom's giving him meat when Dad's not looking,

maybe Darcy can't digest the protein.

Maple Syrup Urine Disease. I mean it usually starts at birth.

Yeah, it may not show up until triggered by diet or stress though.

I will run white blood cells to confirm.

Doubt it'll save the marriage.

No.

I know you're tired, but push harder.

Okay, how are we doing in here?

Started pushing after the last two contractions.

Her birthing coach still isn't here.

Van, I'm gonna be using this wand to look at your heart

and try and find out why it's beating so fast.

She's okay though?

Van, take the time between contractions to keep your breaths even.

- Here, gimme your hand. - Contractility's weak.

She's cyanotic and I can see fluid in her lungs.

Hey, you're braver than I was at this point.

Just screaming for an epidural before we even parked the car.

It's not as bad as the time Jack crashed our squad car trying to stop that chase.

I... at least, I, uh, I made the car crash on my side.

You took 20 stitches to keep that glass from hitting me.

Based on what we're seeing, what worries me is amniotic fluid embolism.

Because of the fentanyl?

No, it happens when amniotic fluid gets in your bloodstream

and causes complications during labour.

Although the continuing effects of the overdose

and the weakened state of your body could exacerbate things.

Uh, what does that mean for my baby?

It means we need to get him out as soon as we can, ideally via C-section.

Is it too late to pivot? - I had the same thought.

No! I don't want a C-section.

- Van, you're already exhausted. - I can push!

- Listen to the doctors, Van. - Can we page an anesthesiologist?

- I don't think you're-- - There's already one on standby.

And we have everything we need. - Time out! Okay?

It's not what Van wants, gentlemen,

so let's at least hear the other side before choosing for her?

A C-section means more blood loss,

and multiple transfusions if the embolism progresses.

Plus they take longer to heal from.

Please. You gotta let me try.

Okay. I can see a case for that.

Here comes another contraction.

Three, two, one...

Push, push, push, push, push, push, push, push, push, push!

Ah!

Jeez! What the hell are you doing?!

- Taking action like you said! - I meant get a lawyer!!

- I'm gonna kill you! - No, Jack, you won't!

Ugh!

Jack, stop!

Code white!

Code white! Call it in right now!

Clear the hallways! - Clear the halls!

Her sats are falling!

We're losing the baby's heart rate!

Agh!

Van! Focus! Another big push!

Okay? You can do this!

Three, two, one!

Okay, let's have the vac on standby! We may need to help him out.

- Okay, it's enough! - Stay out of it!

Ah!

You're dead! You're dead!

- That's enough, Jack! - No, get off of me!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Code silver!

Code silver!

Bash!

Code silver in the Emergency Department.

Cheese?

Okay. Jack, don't move!

He stopped crying.

He looks hypoxic and lethargic, he needs NICU now!

I need to be with the baby. That's all she wanted me to do.

Hey, hey, Jack, Jack, don't move. Don't move!

- We need to clamp and cut. - Come on, baby.

Where are you taking him?

They need to X-ray his chest to make sure that he's getting enough air.

Pulmonary edema!

She needs ventilation and transfusions for the embolism right now!

I can't feel my legs.

I can't...

Hey! Hey! Come here!

Here! Pressure! Here!

Okay.

Okay.

Stay with us, Jack.

I'm just worried about you.

I didn't ask you to come.

I thought we were coming in together.

June, you knew about this? You called my mother?

I texted June a month ago, since I wanted to know how you were.

You guys have been talking this whole time?

Not the whole time, just a couple times until--

- She just wants to help, Shay. - Like you know how to do that.

I know enough to accept my limits, and that I need to set boundaries

which is what June is doing. - What did she tell you?

That I ignore the problem until I do something stupid like crash a car?

Or go missing for three weeks.

That was... all you do is blame me!

I know you see it that way,

but when you get to self-medicating, I have to be the bad guy.

It's what happens every time.

And I'll do it again, Shay.

I'll keep doing it over and over again.

You know, you said that I'm the only person you have

but that's not really true, I mean, you have your mom.

The fact that she's here and she's facing--

- You just think I'm too much. - No, I think I'm not enough!

You keep looking at me like I'm someone who can handle everything and I can't!

I don't wanna lose you so I ask for help.

That's what we want, Shay, it's to help.

Both of you get out!

Get out! I will live with Kenzie! - Kenzie...

- Shay. - My stomach hurts, I wanna rest.

Shay.

So...

it was healing really well, and...

a couple weeks ago, I opened it up again.

It got infected and that's why...

it's still tender.

Why would you do that?

'Cause I used to cut myself.

And I've managed mostly to stop, but sometimes it's j...

Look, you just gotta trust me, okay?

Shay, you... you need help.

No.

Twenty-five milligrams.

Thirty minutes to kick in.

Honestly I'm surprised you agreed to this so quickly.

The dosage,

that's enough to produce a hallucinogenic reaction?

Not for everyone.

The idea is to activate a dream-like state.

Some patients say memories pop up like little films.

Others just feel relaxed and some feel nothing.

So I just... lie down there and...

You'll choose a playlist, take a few deep breaths, and it will start.

And it's normal to be nervous.

But just so you know, you're totally in control of this.

Did you hear the code silver today?

A few hours ago? - The cop who got shot?

His partner had a baby right before it happened.

Did he make it?

For a minute we weren't sure if he would, but...

you know, we got him to OR and now it's just wait and see if he'll walk again.

The way he let his damage drag down everyone around him...

after seeing that fallout,

I decided to...

Let me try punching your brain in the face?

Uh, should I be concerned about doing this so soon after all that adrenaline?

Do you still feel heightened?

Good.

My mother used to say if I tried drugs even once,

I'd ruin my life and never become a doctor.

Mine too. Were you born here?

No. We came from Iran when I was a baby.

And now you're a doctor who prescribes drugs.

To other doctors whose mothers would be equally appalled.

You'll stay?

I'll stay.

They keep him on a strict diet, they'll manage.

Did she...

sort of use me to force things with her husband?

Give it a month and find her on Tinder. You can use her back.

Uh, not really my thing.

Oh, dude, please, have some fun.

By the way. Doctor Devi wants me to come work in emerg.

Oh, in peds? I mean, with me doing more crossover it'd make sense.

No, actually she said the attending job,

the one you have, is up for grabs.

Uh...

not really sure how I feel about that.

Yeah, well, I said yes.

Mags.

I've been trying to catch everyone who was in Trauma earlier.

Are you okay?

Yeah, I think so.

How are you doing?

Well, I've never been in this kind of situation before.

Or dealt with the aftermath.

Well, you should take your own advice.

Don't forget to take a beat if you need one.

Also this cardiology patient that you don't wanna send upstairs--

Patrick Camby, yeah, I was gonna tell you before

but I was hoping we could get a surgeon to remove his ICD.

Not without the support of his cardiologist.

But you haven't heard the reasons.

I've read your extensive notes.

And even if you're right-- - I am.

And that's what Patrick wants.

Fisher makes a good case for why she disagrees.

But, er... in the birth, you fought for Van

and you always fight for the patient.

Why is this any different?

Directly contravening the head of cardiology on her own patient?

So it's a question of politics.

Oh, it's okay, sweetie. It's okay.

You're gonna be alright.

Nancy is quitting nursing.

She said she doesn't know what she wants to do with her life, but it can't be this.

You don't seem afraid anymore.

No.

What do you think you were afraid of?

Feeling uninhibited? Feeling vulnerable?

Maybe.

Okay, so how does this work now?

You tell me.

Is there anything you wanna talk about?

Anything you remember from when the drug was more active?

Rumination. I'm surprised you haven't asked.

- Why do you say that? - Well, I kept saying it.

- Out loud? - Wasn't I?

Okay, um...

It means contemplation, but it sounds like ruin.

Uh, those things are in such contrast.

Beauty and darkness.

Like my father's stethoscope.

Rumen means the stomach of ruminant animals, cows.

So the word literally means chewing the cud.

Any idea what you were ruminating on?

Only that I also saw the sky

just full of stars.

A memory?

A beautiful night.

Do you remember where? When?

In the belly of a bombed out building.

We were searching for survivors.

Beauty and darkness again.

What if I'm not capable of seeing one without the other?

I...

Of separating damage from good?

Say more, Bashir.

Okay, so...

when that gun went off today,

I wasn't scared.

But this morning, Mags and I...

tried talking about the future?

And I couldn't see it.

Even though I want to.

Is it possible that's what you're afraid of?

Not of feeling vulnerable, but of feeling happy?

Maybe.

Probably.

What are you thinking about now?

Cows.

Chewing, digesting, purging and then...

...starting all over again.

Patrick? Patrick?

I wanted to give you my number.

So you can text me if ever you feel any of the warning signs we talked about.

- Thanks, Mags. - Yeah.

I'm... I'm sorry that my loophole didn't pan out.

Ah, don't worry about it. I figured it on my own.

Really? What does that mean?

Oh, I... I had a buddy bring in a magnet.

According to Doctor Google,

it'll stop my ICD from shocking me as long as it's close enough.

No, Patrick, I don't think that's a good idea.

Medically speaking, we don't know how that works

or what kind of side effects you could have. You--

Mags. Mags. You were right when you told me to trust how I feel.

Now whether I can convince Fisher to take this out

or find somebody else to do it,

I gotta make sense out of all this the only way I know how.

And that's balls out.

Catch you later, kid.

You're on graveyard again?

How was your sister?

Well, you were right, there was something underlying so I forced her to confront it,

and she left.

Ah... June.

Look, I... I know I put a lot of pressure on you to be a mentor to me,

and maybe in some ways that you didn't wanna be.

All I hear from that is that I failed you.

No, that's not what I mean, I...

I just didn't realize what I was asking of you.

Did you get any sleep between graveyards?

Go home.

I'll cover. - You don't have to do that.

Go, before I change my mind.

Nothing.

Well, uh... it's going to take time,

a lot of hard work and rehab to know for sure.

I called my CO.

Told him everything.

They got Cheese in a holding cell and um, I'm up for review.

That must have been very hard.

Have you seen Van? The baby?

She's not coming to see me, is she?

Yeah.

I wish Cheese had better aim.

I'm gonna find a new cardiologist.

Yeah but when?

You almost died and now there's no one monitoring your heart.

Yeah, I-I-I need you to have my back, okay?

Not just to offload your fears.

Okay.

Bash, when that gun went off today, it was...

Hey. Hey.

We're okay.

Did you go through with the psilocybin?

I did.

Were you high? How did it feel?

Hmm... uh, I don't think I was high, but...

I felt lighter.

And now?

I think I'm gonna find some place else to live.

difuze