Original subtitles

¶ Raise the flag of piracy

¶ sing the song of victory

¶ for glorious in battle are we ¶

¶ we've never known defeat ¶

¶ we never will retreat

¶ we live to hear the Cannon roar ¶

¶ and terror is our semaphore ¶

¶ notoriously loathsome are we ¶

¶ we Rob the rich, the poor ¶

¶ then steal a little more

¶ victory, we fight to win

¶ victory is ours again

¶ we are the scourge of the land and sea ¶

¶ beastly pirates are we

¶ masters of the briny sea

¶ we'll go down in history ¶

¶ courageous men who live by the sword ¶

¶ we deal in treachery

¶ the kings of lechery

¶ raise the anchor, trim the sail ¶

¶ we raid tonight if winds prevail ¶

¶ invincible, we fight to the end ¶

¶ united to a man

¶ we need no battle plan

¶ victory, we fight to win

¶ victory is ours again

¶ we are the scourge of the land and sea ¶

¶ beastly pirates are we

¶ it's so pitiful a sight ¶

¶ to see them walk the plank ¶

¶ they squirm and cry for mercy ¶

¶ regardless of their rank

¶ oh, oh, oh, oh, oh-oh-oh, oh ¶

¶ oh, oh, oh, oh, oh-oh-oh, oh ¶

¶ victory, we fight to win

¶ victory is ours again

¶ we are the scourge of the land and sea ¶

¶ beastly pirates are we

¶ victory, we fight to win

¶ victory is ours again

¶ we are the scourge of the land and sea ¶

¶ beastly pirates are we

¶ victory

[applause]

Hah. Well, that's how they did it in Hollywood

with stars like errol Flynn and Douglas Fairbanks.

If you'd like to join me on the deck of the ship,

we'll be having the second part of the show for you.

We'll show you how the pirates really did it.

Heh. A little sword fight.

Ok, join me up there. Heh heh.

[Ian Mason sings we are the pirates]

[Wolf whistles]

¶ Yo, ho, ho

¶ and a yo, ho, ho

¶ yo, ho, ho

¶ and a yo, ho, ho

¶ we are the pirates...

Man: Come along, now. Over here.

Introducing pirate gold. Get your pirate gold.

Thank you.

We're giving them away free. Ha ha ha ha ha!

Lovely ice cream.

Ha ha ha! And you, sir. A lovely free sample.

Oh, bless you. Thank you, my child.

Thank you. Bye.

I'm--I'm with them.

Listen, turn that thing down, ok?

Ok.

Come on, hurry up.

Ha ha ha ha!

Younger pirate: Ladies, ladies,

anybody want to learn the art of swordsmanship

from a master of cut and thrust,

lunge and parry, in and out?

Huh?

Yeah! She'll do it!

You guys!

Great. Here you are.

Now, come on up here. That's it.

Uh, sorry.

Uhh...huh.

Hmm. Not bad. Guess you'll have to do.

What's your name?

Girls: Mabel!

Mabel? Hmm.

Ok, uh...Ok, Mabel, get this tip up.

Here you go, right?

Olé.

Olé. um...

Olé. well...

Here, look. First...Attagirl.

Put--put both hands around,

2 hands together,

and it's-- and it's not olé,

it's touche...

Meaning "touch."

Touch.

Now! Less than 100 years ago,

pirates used to really operate around here,

raping and pillaging.

God, I'd hate to be pillaged.

Killing.

Note the footwork.

Right?

Feint so, lunge so, and...

[Girls ooh and ahh]

My point penetrates you.

Give her a hand, girls, give her a hand. Way to go.

Come on down.

Very good, very good.

Hey, myrtle.

Mabel. Ok?

Uh, Mabel. Sorry.

Listen, I'm gonna be taking my boat

over later to pirate rock

to do a bit of skin diving,

searching for some treasure.

Wanna come?

Me? You're kidding!

No! Listen, I got a great boat.

Bunks and everything.

Oh, hey, why don't you

bring a few of your friends along?

It's gonna be great fun.

Hello.

[Laughing]

You, too? All of you?

Hey, stop! Where's Mabel?

[Kool and the gang sing stand up and sing]

Hey, quickly!

Let's get moving. Here she comes.

Oh, Mabel.

For a while there,

I thought you weren't gonna make it.

Help! Wait! What are you doing? Stop!

What's going on?

Girl: Better luck next time!

Stop fooling around, will you?

Now, come on! You can't leave her there.

Second girl: Sucker!

Third girl: Bye!

First girl: Go play with your Barbie dolls!

¶ Everybody stand up and sing ¶

¶ and say I love you

¶ stand on up and sing

¶ everybody stand up and sing ¶

¶ yeah

[distant voices and laughter]

Mabel: Hey! You guys!

Wai--it's me, Mabel! Wait!

Hey!

Hey, you guys! Wait!

Aah!

[Cannon shot]

Fire!

Fire!

Here they come!

Captain, I found your sword.

The last battle of Frederic's youth, Sam.

Isn't he wonderful?

Stand by to repel boarders!

Captain!

I told you to order Chinese, Sam,

but this is ridiculous.

Pirate king: Happy birthday!

Something special, Frederic.

Look out!

Aah! Grr grr grr. Ruff ruff!

Pirates: Hey! Yay!

Aah!

Pirate king: One moment, lads.

He is their captain.

¶ Sprare me

an Irish tenor, no less.

We could use an Irish tenor, lads.

Oh, ow!

Soprano...

Heh. Even better.

Pirate: Ready the topsail!

Second pirate: Land ho!

Third pirate: Set sail!

¶ Oh, better far to live and die ¶

¶ under the brave black flag I fly ¶

¶ than play a hypocritical part ¶

¶ with a pirate head and a pirate heart ¶

[pirates cheering]

¶ Away to the world across the seas ¶

¶ where pirates all have law degrees ¶

¶ but I'll be true to the song I sing ¶

¶ and live and die a pirate king ¶

¶ for

¶ I am a pirate king

¶ you are, hurrah for a pirate king ¶

¶ and it is, it is a glorious thing ¶

¶ to be the pirate king ¶

¶ I am a pirate king

¶ you are, hurrah for a pirate king ¶

¶ and it is, it is a glorious thing ¶

¶ to be the pirate king ¶

¶ it is, hurrah for a pirate king ¶

¶ hurrah for the pirate king ¶

¶ When I venture forth to seek my prey ¶

¶ I crush my foes in a royal way ¶

¶ the ladies yield and the ships go down ¶

¶ or is it the other way around? ¶

¶ but many a king in a gilded tower ¶

¶ if he wants to cling to pomp and power ¶

¶ must manage somehow to get through ¶

¶ more dirty work than ever I do ¶

ha ha ha ha ha!

¶ Oh, I am the pirate king ¶

¶ you are, hurrah for a pirate king ¶

¶ and it is, it is a glorious thing ¶

¶ to be the pirate king ¶

¶ I am the pirate king

¶ you are, hurrah for a pirate king ¶

¶ and it is, it is a glorious thing ¶

¶ to be the pirate king ¶

¶ it is, hurrah for a pirate king ¶

¶ I am the pirate king

¶ he is a pirate king ¶

¶ he is, he is a glorious thing ¶

¶ a pirate king

aah!

Pirates: Aww!

He tore our goddamn sail again.

Pirates: Again?

Sew that up, love.

[Cash register ding]

Today, Frederic, you join us

as a full-fledged member of our band.

Your apprenticeship papers.

21 today. [Applause]

Speech! [Pirates cheer]

I'd hoped to spare you this.

Though as friends, I love you all,

but today,

today I leave you forever.

What?! Why, this is lunacy!

I cannot forget!

I cannot forget it was cutthroats such as you

who murdered my family

and left me an orphan.

Not fair, Freddy.

We're orphans ourselves.

We would never hurt an orphan.

Yes, I know, but...

I fulfilled my contract

and I feel honor bound

to devote myself heart and soul

to your extermination!

Extermination?

Sounds a little harsh, Frederic.

Such is my sense of duty.

Pbbth!

Well, if you conscientiously feel

that it is your duty to destroy us,

we cannot really blame you.

It's the way I've raised you.

I've been--I've been as low and vicious as I could,

but something inside tells me there's--there's more to life.

I--i know it!

M-M-More? More?

More than piracy?

Lately I've been restless.

I've been consumed by some...Inner fire,

and all I think about is girls!

Pirates: Oh, girls.

Ah! I've waited 20 years for this.

The sea, Frederic,

is a jealous mistress,

but she is her own reward.

Believe me, you miss nothing.

Tell him, men.

Have you missed anything

these 20 years at sea?

All: Sex!

What about love?

Love for a pirate

is the kiss of a salt wind,

the curve of a white sail,

the whisper of an enemy's

well-slit throat.

That's love, Frederic.

Show him, shipmates!

[Shouting]

¶ Huhh! ¶ huhh!

¶Huhh! ¶ huhh!

Hey! Hey!

[Cheering and shouting]

Tens! Tens!

Tens! Tens! Ha ha!

Tens! Yeah!

I'll miss you.

I'll miss you all very much.

But my mind is made up.

All: Aw, shit.

Then so be it.

Fred! What's that, man? What's that?

What is that? Are you sure?

What is that? Oh, oh, no, my mistake.

See you later.

I know you'll think me just an old softie,

but in return

for all your years of loyal service,

I make you captain of your own ship.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

I shall command her with pride,

and someday...

Ah, there's always a someday, Frederic.

Hang five, honky!

[Cheering]

Pirate: Land ho!

¶ Climbing over rocky mountain ¶

¶ skipping rivulet and fountain ¶

¶ passing where the willows quiver ¶

¶ passing where the willows quiver ¶

¶ by the ever-rolling river... ¶

Mabel! Mabel!

Oh, let her be. Who needs her?

She's a disgrace

to the noble name of Stanley.

Just look at her!

I wouldn't wear a dress like that to bed.

I think that's the whole idea.

Wash your mouth out!

What is she looking for?

Love?

Ha! Well, she'll have a long wait.

She's the youngest, and by noble custom,

the eldest must marry first.

Which makes me first...

Me second...

And me third.

Jeez, we'll all be 50.

¶ Let us gaily tread the measure ¶

¶ make the most of fleeting leisure ¶

¶ worship nature while we can ¶

¶ far away from any man ¶

¶ far away from any man ¶

¶ make the most of fleeting leisure ¶

¶ far away from any man

¶ Climbing over rocky mountain... ¶

do you believe that song?

¶ Passing where the willows quiver ¶

¶ passing where the willows quiver ¶

¶ by the ever-rolling river ¶

¶ swollen with the summer rain ¶

¶ the summer rain

¶ let us gaily tread the measure ¶

¶ make the most of fleeting leisure ¶

¶ worship, worship nature while we can ¶

¶ let us gaily tread the measure ¶

¶ make the most of fleeting leisure ¶

¶ far away from any man

¶ from any man

¶ let us gaily tread the measure ¶

¶ make the most of fleeting leisure ¶

¶ far away from any man

¶ from any man

Oh, Freddy...Uhh...

You always were a...

Careless boy.

Thank you.

By the way, was that a definite "no" back there?

Ruth, I don't want to hurt your feelings,

but...tell me honestly.

Now, compared to other women,

are you beautiful?

Oh, I have been told so.

Ah, but lately?

Well, by Samuel.

Of course, he was drunk at the time.

¶ ...of fleeting leisure

¶ far away from any man

¶ from any man

Oh, Freddy!

[Laughing]

Hee hee. Come on, girls! Come in!

It's lovely and warm.

Hi!

Hi!

Aah! Aah! Run, girls, run!

Wait! I'm sorry, I didn't mean to deflower you!

[Shrieking]

Help! It's a pirate!

Run, girls, for your lives!

Pirate?

No, no, I'm not anymore!

Ladies, I'm not a pirate. I promise you!

Look, see! No tattoos, nothing.

Girls!

[Giggling]

Girl: Ooh, isn't he lovely?

Frederic: ¶ when will I find love? ¶

¶ where will she be?

¶ And if she's out there ¶

¶ will she wait for me? ¶

Mabel: ¶ how will he know me?

¶ Will I know him?

¶ Is there no end to all my questioning? ¶

¶ Can I believe

¶ what I am seeing

¶ what I am feeling ¶

¶ something so rare ¶

¶ watching her there ¶

¶ she makes my heart stop ¶

¶ can I believe

¶ what I am feeling

¶ my head is reeling

¶ he just looked my way

¶ from the start I can say ¶

¶ I will give him everything ¶

¶ strange emotions wash over me ¶

¶ like the motion of the deepest sea ¶

both: ¶ and I feel first love ¶

¶ I feel nobody but you ¶

¶ you're all I've dreamed of ¶

¶ I will be constant and true ¶

¶ love moves me inside

¶ like the moon moves the tide ¶

¶ my first love

¶ some kind of miracle brought you here ¶

¶ just when i'd given up hoping ¶

¶ from the moment when you first appeared ¶

¶ I could feel my whole life opening ¶

¶ in first love

¶ I need nobody but you ¶

¶ you're all I've dreamed of ¶

¶ I will be constant and true ¶

¶ love moves me inside

¶ like the moon moves the tide ¶

¶ my first love

¶ I need nobody but you ¶

¶ my first love

¶ I will be constant and true ¶

¶ my first love

¶ my first love

¶ And I promise to be true to you ¶

¶ my first love

Not bad.

Thanks.

Do you live around here?

I've...

I've never lived till now.

So the good pirates

arrived too late to save my parents,

rest their souls,

but my mother hurled me

through the flames and into the king's arms

and he raised me as his own apprentice.

You poor thing.

Pirates?!

You mean like walking the plank, buried treasure,

hack, slash, off with his head,

and the jolly Richard and everything?

Roger.

Oh, Roger, I love it!

No, Frederic, without a "k."

Mabel, also without a "k."

God, we have so much in common!

Mabel...

Pretty bad, huh?

No, I love it.

Mabel.

Listen...

I know this is gonna sound silly,

but I think I love you.

I think I might even want to marry you.

God, that was a short love scene.

But, yes.

Oh, no, we've got this dumb custom.

There's gotta be a way out.

We've gotta see my father.

Oh, well, listen, I haven't

had much practice at seeing fathers.

Well, don't worry. He's just the same

as any other ordinary major general.

Major general?!

Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no.

Frederic, trust me.

Wow, come here.

Ooh.

Heh.

[Bell rings]

Gee, I thought the bells came afterwards.

[Bell ringing]

[Pirates shouting]

Girls: Aah!

Ho ho ho!

Helmsman...

Hard of--

hard to--

reverse.

Hard of backwards? No, no, no.

Uh, Sam, what is that saying? Hard of--

hearing!

Hard of--

whoa!

It's the pirates with lust in their hearts.

Your sisters are endangering their virtue,

even their very lives.

Come back here,

you sex-crazed bilge rats!

This is mutiny!

Mabel...don't move.

A little close to the curb.

Ha ha! This is one time

when you're not going to rape--

pillage...and plunder.

Oh, really? Ha ha ha!

Take it easy, lads!

Don't hurt or maim them.

Ho ho, Frederic.

Are your loins so hot,

you'd have them all and none for us?

Well, now,

who dares disturb our dalliance?

I do!

What?!

Well, now,

you've saved the best till last.

Keep out of this, Mabel!

Mabel?

You'll be hung!

Oh, I am, I am.

And very well, thank you.

You set Frederic and my sisters free or die!

Ha ha ha--

pirates: Whoa!

Hut! Hut! Ouch!

Olé!

Touché, touché!

[Squeak squeak]

[Pirates chortle]

Captain! Here!

Pirates: Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

You see? The blade grows heavy.

She cannot raise it to my heart.

I'm not aiming at your heart.

Pirates: Ohh!

Eew!

I'll see you get a thousand lashes!

Promises, promises.

[Teeth chattering]

Well, if you love half as well as you fight--

no! Mabel, tell him!

What could she say to foil our sport?

My father-- yes?

Is-- all: Yes?

A major general.

Pirates: A major general?!

That'll do it.

Yes, yes, he's a major general.

Sisters: Yes, yes, he is a major general!

[Horn blows]

Yes, yes, I am a major general!

Papa!

Not now, darling, I'm on!

¶ I am the very model of a modern major general ¶

¶ I have information vegetable ¶

¶ animal, and mineral

¶ I know the kings of england ¶

¶ and I quote the fights historical ¶

¶ from marathon to Waterloo, in order categorical ¶

¶ I'm very well acquainted, too ¶

¶ with matters mathematical ¶

¶ I understand equations

¶ both the simple and quadradical ¶

¶ about binomial theorem

¶ I'm teeming with a lot of news ¶

¶ with many cheerful facts ¶

¶ about the square of the hypotenuse ¶

papa--

zounds, this is my big number.

Now. Play along with this.

Our lives may depend on it.

¶ I'm very good at integral and differential calculus ¶

¶ I know the scientific names

¶ of beings animalculous in short, in matters vegetable ¶

¶ animal, and mineral

¶ I am the very model of a modern major general ¶

¶ in short, in matters vegetable ¶

¶ animal, and mineral

¶ he is the very model of a modern major general ¶

verse 2...

¶ I comprehend contemporary culture north American ¶

¶ I straighten more piratical erections

¶ than Bo Derek can

¶ I'm into e.S.T and all the rest ¶

¶ I've undergone analysis ¶

¶ I've jumped beyond the gravitude ¶

¶ to permanent paralysis

¶ my muse is into music

¶ but my credit I'll not trouble you ¶

¶ from R&B to s&m, cross over c&w ¶

¶ to groovin' with the doobies ¶

¶ in my Malibu white-soulin' tones ¶

¶ man, I'm older than the Beatles ¶

¶ but I'm younger than the rolling stones ¶

¶ he's older than the Beatles ¶

¶ but he's younger than the rolling stones ¶

¶ he's younger than the Beatles ¶

¶ but he's older than the rolling stones ¶

¶ he's younger than the Beatles ¶

¶ but he's older than the rolling stones ¶

¶ my military knowledge

¶ for I'm plucky and adventury ¶

¶ embraces m.A.S.H. And star wars ¶

¶ and the 22nd century

¶ yes, sir, in matters vegetable ¶

¶ animal, and mineral

¶ I am the very model of a modern major general! ¶

¶ yes, sir, in matters vegetable ¶

¶ animal, and mineral

¶ he is the very model of a modern major general ¶

Well, now that I've introduced myself,

I should like to have some idea

of what's going on in my garden.

Papa, we--i mean, Frederic and i--

pirate king: Permit me, sir.

I'll explain in 2 words...

It's a beach party,

and i'm Frankie avalon.

And i'm Annette funicello.

Don't listen to them, papa.

They're pirates,

the famous pirates of penzance.

What?! The pirates of penzance?

The very rogues who stole my family's fortune

on the high seas a score of years ago?

Our last score was years ago!

Papa, all except this gentleman.

He was a pirate,

but he now means to go straight

as my husband.

Hey, you fox!

I'll be best man, naturally.

An idea. Ahem!

Tell me, kind sir,

have you ever known what it is to be...

[Sniff] An orphan?

Pirates: Aw, shit!

An orphan, sir,

and a fine singer, too.

Of course you may go. You're all free.

Come, lads!

We've a ship to float.

Free her keel

and raise that chain doodad.

Anchor.

No, Sam, just disappointment.

Ohh.

Another 20 years at sea

will ease this petty melancholy.

¶ For I am the pirate king ¶

¶ and I'll buy this orphan thing ¶

¶ we'll go away without dismay ¶

¶ but we'll be returning ¶

Are you all right?

Fine.

Good. I don't trust these guys.

What-- no, they're fine.

Mm...

You know, I thought I'd lost you.

But I'll light a thousand candles

for the luck that kept you safe.

Luck? I almost took that twit.

Yeah, you did well for a woman,

but now there's a man's work to be done.

I'm gonna keep watch

until the ship is safely over the horizon.

Woman?

Mabel: Papa!

About this custom--

all: Yes, what about this custom?

Papa, about this custom--

I'm the eldest, at, uh, 23.

33.

All right, back to the castle,

the lot of you.

Papa...

The custom is irrelevant.

Youngest or oldest, I cannot allow you

to marry this penniless adventurer.

Why not?

Well, he's a nasty pirate person,

and besides, he's poor.

[Bell rings]

Uhh! Yuhh!

They're anchoring outside the cove!

Common fellow.

But if he wasn't poor?

Ooh...

Diamonds, rubies, gold coins?

Oh, what a nice boy.

Even if it wasn't his money?

Well, for your happiness-- whose money?

Yours. Mine?!

The family treasures, stolen from you

by the pirates.

Supposing Frederic were to recover them,

minus salvage rights, expenses,

attorney's fees, my commission.

And if he fails?

If he fails... We'll shack up.

Here's what we do.

We swim out to the ship,

board it, get the stolen treasure,

and swim back.

Easy, right?

What's the matter?

I've--I've never seen a woman

like that before.

The body is an 8.

The brain is a 10. So let's go!

[Pirates snoring]

[Whispering] Wait, where is it?

Well, it's not here.

Well, where is it?

It fell overboard

on some uncharted reef.

What?!

But there is a map.

Where?

The king's got it.

The king's got it. Well, how do we get it?

Oh, it's tattooed on his back.

Tattooed on his back?

Yeah, but no one's ever seen it.

He never takes his shirt off--

in public.

I'll make him take his shirt off.

How?!

Oh, get something to write on

a-and meet me below.

Ok, ok.

[Snort]

[King burps]

¡Olé!

[Boards creak]

Sam?

Reveal yourself

or die!

Nymph!

Nymphet!

Nympho.

I was in the neighborhood,

and I saw your light on.

Today you tried to kill me.

Well, uh,

some people send flowers.

I fancy a chap...

I try to kill him.

Come on, my little nymphet.

You can trust me.

Hmm.

Come on.

Unh!

Is that a dagger in your pocket,

or are you just glad to see me?

Oh. Oh!

Why don't you, um...

[Whispering] ... Take off your shirt?

No.

Tell me,

what's the age of consent around here?

18.

Good. I'm old enough.

Ooh!

Uh...h-how about a drink first?

Let's get sloshed!

Help yourself.

There's some on the windowsill.

[Stage whisper]

Cheers.

Uh, bottoms up.

Aha! Lady's choice! I like that.

Now...

My love, we'll not sail around this misery.

Let's try taking your shirt off.

Oh, uh, no, no!

Uh, how about you? You first!

Why?

Because I'm shy.

A-A-And i'm--i'm also a feminist,

so that naturally means

that the man goes first.

Wonderful.

Nice to meet a woman who knows her place.

Oh!

202 push-ups a day.

Now--

uh, I need some fresh air.

No!

Uh, goose bumps.

I've got goose bumps.

Push-ups. I recommend push-ups.

Let me fix this window,

then we'll fix your goose bumps,

my little nympho.

I know all about art.

I just don't know what I like.

This is a very--

surely you don't tease.

No, uh, there's just this

one little thing that I forgot to do.

[Whispering]

Mmm.

Are you ready for this?

Go for it.

[Gasp] Oh!

Oh, this is just perfect.

Oh, my--oh, those muscles!

Oh...I'm gonna faint.

I'm gonna faint! Just--

oh, that's just so good, it's perfect!

J-Just a little more to the left.

Oh, oh, that's great! Yeah, I like that.

Oh, that's-- that's good!

That's very good, I like that!

Just a little bit-- just a little to the--

oh, that's so good!

Oh, I love it.

Oh, god, I can't stand it anymore!

If don't stop, I'll die!

More, more, more!

More! Oh, that's wonderful!

More! Oh, my god! Just a little to the left.

Oh! Oh, my god, don't stop!

This is incredible.

Oh, you are really turning me on, I must say.

This is wonderful.

You ready yet?

There's just one more thing.

There is?

[King and Mabel giggle]

You and your little games!

[Laughs]

I love an interesting woman.

Where are you, my little nymphet?

Where are you?

Where are you?

Ahh...

Be gentle, Mabel.

King: Oh! Ha ha!

Ooh--Mabel, your goose bumps have grown!

[Snoring]

[Monkey screeches]

[Gasps]

Shh...

So that was sex, huh?

I don't see what there is to get so excited about.

Where's the map?

What are those things for?

Well, I put a hole in the ship,

and it's sinking.

After all, they were my friends.

Oh, Frederic.

Look out! Raiders aboard!

Raiders aboard!

[Mumbling]

Oh!

Jump!

I hope it's not cold.

Cowards!

Oh...

Argh! I can see you now.

Stop swimming!

[Explosion]

[Monkey screeching]

Look, it's sinking!

Sink, sink!

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

¶ Keep pumping

¶ blowing

¶ keep pumping

¶ blowing

¶ hey, it's an old wives' story ¶

¶ I said it's an old wives' tale ¶

¶ I say that love is glory ¶

¶ I tell you love's so frail ¶

¶ mmm

¶ lovin' needs a bandage ¶

¶ and intensive care

¶ and it's a disadvantage ¶

¶ when you're playin' fair ¶

¶ if you're treadin' water ¶

¶ and romance is on the slide ¶

¶ don't you know you have to swallow ¶

¶ something more than water ¶

¶ it's your pride ¶

¶ aha, I huffed and puffed ¶

¶ just to keep love goin' ¶

¶ I'm done ¶

¶ I've had enough ¶

¶ of pumpin' and of blowin' ¶

¶ keep pumpin' ¶

¶ blowin' ¶

¶ keep pumpin'¶

¶ blowin' ¶

¶ you know a woman's labor ¶

¶ is never ever done

¶ so could you do me a favor? ¶

¶ and, father, tell your son ¶

¶ a-blowin' ¶

¶ if he's treadin' water ¶

¶ and romance is on the slide ¶

¶ don't you know you have to swallow ¶

¶ something more than water ¶

¶ it's your pride ¶

¶ aha, I huffed and puffed ¶

¶ just to keep love goin' ¶

¶ I'm done ¶

¶ I've had enough ¶

¶ of pumpin' and of blowin' ¶

¶ aha, I huffed and puffed ¶

¶ just to keep love goin' ¶

¶ I'm done ¶

¶ I've had enough ¶

¶ of pumpin' and of blowin' ¶

¶ keep pumpin' ¶

¶ blowin' ¶

¶ keep pumpin' ¶

¶ blowin' ¶

¶ keep pumpin'¶

¶ blowin' ¶

¶ keep pumpin' ¶

¶ blowin' ¶

¶ keep pumpin' ¶

¶ blowin' ¶

papa, we're home.

Big surprise.

Frederic, over here.

Right on cue.

Actually, there's more room over here.

Can we bring it over here?

Right there, in the corner? Yeah.

You're gonna love this, papa.

Right here. Yeah. On the floor.

Actually, the table might be better,

because when we open it, it'll look really great.

Papa...

Look, we've restored the family fortune.

All your sentimental treasures, gold bars,

krugerrands.

Break?

Oh, no. Just a little bent.

Pink ball in the corner pocket.

The pirates are at least 20 minutes behind us.

Oh, but plenty of time

for your army to ambush 'em.

[Ripping]

Army? What army?

[Sighs] I blew it.

Papa...

Frederic will raise an army.

Well, in yonder village,

there is a force of yeomanry--

stout of limb and spirit,

dedicated to the rules of law.

But...

They lack a leader.

Well, of course. You'll lead them.

What? Me? Ha ha ha.

No, no, no, no, my dear.

I've had my moments of glory.

Why be selfish?

My boy, the job is yours.

Rid me of these villains and Mabel's hand is yours.

Not to mention the best parts.

Sir, I'll ride straightaway

to lead these good men!

[Whinnies]

Ow, oh, oh...

Ooh, ow...

Well, I've been at sea since I was 1.

How the hell would I know how to ride a horse? Ooh...

Well, I gave it my best shot.

Famous last words, Frederic?

Tailor-made, Frederic.

W-Well, if it's all the same to you,

um, heh heh,

I'd rather be buried at sea.

Ha ha.

Ah!

Aah!

[Spitting]

Woman: Shh.

Shh.

Shh!

Ruth.

Uh-huh.

Plain old Ruth.

Here, commander!

Now, come on, Ruth. Was I that bad to you?

Able seaperson Frederic,

prepare to die.

Nope.

[Explodes]

That is for the life preservers.

You're coming back with us,

aren't you, Freddy?

No, because I've sworn to vanquish you all!

Freddy, you'll be the death of me.

Gladly.

My once apprentice.

I taught you all you know.

Don't make me teach you how to die.

Aah!

Geronimo!

Unh!

Aah!

Frederic?

Aw, now what's the matter,

losing your grip?

Can't we find somewhere safe

to kill each other?

Unh!

Careful...

You might cut yourself.

Cheers.

Ahh! Ahh!

[Blows]

[Blows]

Ha ha. Out of breath?

Save yours.

It may be your last.

Head of the family.

Ha! Get out of this one, commander.

Hello, sailor.

[Wings flapping]

Oh!

Aah!

Aah!

[Waltz plays]

Aah!

Ahh...

We must stop meeting like this.

Drop it or...

Nuts!

Them, too.

Ruth: Oh, why don't you two

get on with what we came for? Heh.

Heart...

Or throat?

Heart.

Man's voice: The force, Frederic.

Remember the force.

[Squeak]

Did I teach you that?

Nah, I saw it in a movie once.

Ruth: Listen, you two.

Oh, men...

Kill him now and you'll never hear his secret.

Secret? What secret?

Very good.

Your deed of apprenticeship.

[Snaps fingers]

The fine print.

Your date of birth?

February 29, 1856.

A leap year.

I don't get it.

You were apprentice to us.

Till my 21st year.

No, no, no. Till your 21st birthday.

Leap years only happen every 4 years.

Going by birthdays, you're still only 5 1/4.

What?

I merely make you aware of it, Frederic.

I leave the rest to your sense of...Duty?

Yes, duty.

Duty and honor are all I have.

It's the one good thing

you taught me.

So whatever it costs me,

I will do my duty.

Good lad.

Then I guess I must tell you--

general Stanley, Mabel's father...

He's got your treasure hidden here.

And...

He's raising an army to slaughter you...

Us.

A fight? Us?

Splendid!

Nobody loves a stoolie.

Love! Oh, my god--Mabel!

Give me an hour to say farewell forever.

Oh, well.

An hour?

When I was your age,

I could say farewell 3 times in an hour.

But not forever.

We'll be taking the ladies with us.

What?!

Mabel would rather die.

Well, that can be arranged.

We march on the castle tonight!

They are doomed!

[Echoing loudly] Doomed...Doomed...Doomed...

¶ I know she'll never understand ¶

¶ I gave my word before we met ¶

¶ so I just can't go breakin' it ¶

¶ she'll say she thinks I'm out of touch ¶

¶ I've let my duty honor bound ¶

¶ come between the love we found ¶

¶ how can I live without her ¶

¶ if she's all I'm livin' for? ¶

¶ how can I live without her ¶

¶ and live like I did before? ¶

¶ now I can see through her eyes ¶

¶ how good love can be

¶ how can I live without her ¶

¶ when she's gone? ¶

¶ No matter what the future brings ¶

¶ I'll hold the memories in my heart ¶

¶ no matter how long we're apart ¶

¶ she'll always be the only one ¶

¶ her name forever on my lips ¶

¶ she's slipping through my fingertips ¶

¶ how can I live without her ¶

¶ when she's all I'm livin' for? ¶

¶ how can I live without her ¶

¶ and live like I did before? ¶

¶ now I can see

¶ through her eyes

¶ how good love can be

¶ how can I live without her? ¶

¶ how can I live without her? ¶

¶ how can I live without her¶

¶ when she's gone? ¶

¶ how can I live without her ¶

¶ when she's gone? ¶

¶ she's all I'm livin' for ¶

¶ she's all I'm livin' for ¶

¶ how can I live without her? ¶

¶ how can I live like I did before? ¶

¶ how can I live without her? ¶

live without who?

[Gasps]

What are you doing in there?

Oh, hiding.

Hiding? My Frederic hiding?

It cannot be the lionheart trembles

at the coming conflict.

My love, a wimp.

No, Mabel.

A terrible disclosure's just been made.

Then zip it up.

You mean when I'm 84, you'll still be 21?

Yep.

Could be fun.

No, Mabel!

The tragedy completely eludes you, doesn't it?

Look, don't you see?

I won't even be able to marry you until...

1940?!

[Sighs]

Frederic...

You're not...Gay, are you?

No! No.

I mean, the way you and that pirate king

get around in those rather feminine

pleated shirts and all that leather.

Mabel!

Hey, I'm not prejudiced.

I mean, what does this country got a Navy for?

Screw 'em if they can't take a joke.

You're weird.

All kidding aside, Fred...

Tell me this--

are you a virgin?

I don't know.

Near enough.

But you'd have me die one?

No!

But you're putting your sense of duty

before me.

Before the lives of my whole family.

But I have to.

It's my duty. That's all I know.

That's all I know.

Frederic!

These are the 1880s.

You cannot live your life

by the outmoded class conventions

of a Neo-imperialist society.

Find your true center.

What? You mean zen piracy?

Frederic...

Have you ever worn a whalebone corset?

Well, no, we established that, didn't we?

It chokes and strangles, Frederic!

I won't be choked and strangled

by someone else's dumb ideas

of custom and duty!

Would you, Harry? Would you?

Never to know the rich and real--

the wondrous person beating and throbbing

inside me.

Frederic, can you see me throbbing?

I see.

I see i'm throbbing, too.

Your duty is to us.

Tell him, Harry!

To our love!

Mm...

Mmm.

Y-You know, you're right.

You're right.

Love is everything!

Love is everything!

Now go and massacre those oafs.

I can't.

Mabel...

You say you love me.

As midnight loves the moon.

But who am I?

You've only known me for a day or two.

I'm a sailor who spent all his life at sea...

And knows nothing...

Nothing...

About life...

Or ladies.

Only love.

[Gasps]

And if I should change,

if I should change to keep your love...

Changing it just might lose it.

And that's the bottom line?

To hold you I have to let you go?

See you in 1940.

But I'll try for 1939.

¶ Love

¶ show me the way

¶ when I am lost and hope begins to fade ¶

¶ love

¶ timeless and true

¶ whenever I need strength ¶

¶ I look to you

¶ tonight

¶ my faith is strong enough to see me through ¶

¶ tonight

¶ he's gotta trust and love the way I do ¶

¶ we gotta hold on tight ¶

¶ tonight

¶ hold on

¶ nothing's gonna stop us if we just believe ¶

¶ in love

¶ hold on

¶ there's nothing under heaven ¶

¶ we can't overcome ¶

¶ hold on

¶ Now, I see a way

¶ how the tide will turn and the part I'll play ¶

¶ it's all part of a plan ¶

¶ you don't have to know or understand ¶

¶ tonight

¶ I'll see it all unfold before my eyes ¶

¶ tonight

¶ with fortune on my side ¶

¶ and love to guide me ¶

¶ the future is lookin' bright ¶

¶ tonight

¶ hold on

¶ nothing's gonna stop us if we just believe ¶

¶ in love

¶ hold on

¶ there's nothing under heaven ¶

¶ we can't overcome ¶

¶ hold on

¶ and though the road ahead ¶

¶ may be unknown

¶ we'll make it if we ¶

¶ hold on

[Bone falls on floor]

Sorry, meadows.

Mabel: How the hell are you, meadows?

Papa, Frederic has just crossed over to the enemy.

There's barely enough time for you

to reach our force and lead them.

Lead? I can't lead.

I'm planning strategy.

Papa...

Just a snort or two...

For courage.

Courage?

Well, i'm a theoretical soldier.

The very model of a modern major--

I am...

The very, very...

Very...

Won't go off.

It's not loaded.

But you are.

Papa...

I'm gonna lead our fearsome force against the foe.

How much to keep this quiet?

Now, listen, young lady--

no, I'll tell you.

If we win, a full pardon for Frederic.

That's blackmail!

A full pardon.

Damn cheek.

With women leading armies,

we'll never have another decent war again.

So true.

So true.

[Whinnies]

¶ When the bowman bares his steel ¶

¶ tarantara, tarantara ¶

¶ we uncomfortable feel

¶ tarantara

¶ and we find the wisest thing ¶

¶ tarantara, tarantara ¶

¶ is to slap our chests and sing ¶

¶ tarantara

¶ for when threatened by the brutes ¶

¶ tarantara, tarantara ¶

¶ and your heart is in your boots ¶

¶ tarantara

¶ there is nothing brings it round ¶

¶ next the trumpets' martial sound ¶

¶ like the trumpet'' martial sound ¶

¶ tarantara, tarantara ¶

¶ tarantara, tarantara ¶

¶ tarantara, tarantara ¶

¶ tarantara, tarantara ¶

¶ tarantara, tarantara ¶

¶ tarantara, tarantara ¶

¶ tarantara, ra, ra ¶

¶ tarantara

[Fanfare plays]

Sergeant, approach.

Pirates at large.

All: Pirates?!

This is a day for death or glory.

[Laughing]

That is not a pleasant way of puttin' it.

[Clang] Take heart.

Frederic should have led you, but now I shall.

Not bloody likely.

You're a girl.

Now, nic off.

All: Yes, nic off!

We'll see what your inspector

thinks of this!

[Bicycle bells ringing]

One moment.

[French accent] I must take some notes.

My notebook.

[Cries in pain]

Name of the furzjeteef?

Furzjeteef?

Furzjeteef.

F-u--

what?! Up yours too, froggy.

Oh. Oh. Fugitive.

Name?

Frederic.

Strange name for a girl.

No. My name is Stanley.

Still a strange name for a girl.

Mabel Stanley.

Mabel. Tell me, Mabel, about--

about these parrots.

Parrots?

Parrots.

Hyah.

Hyah! Hyeh!

Parrots. Oh, they're pirates.

Well, they're on their way to the castle,

led by the pirate king.

This parrot king, does he have an 'urse?

A nurse? Yeah. Uh, Ruth.

I don't want to know its name.

How fast does it run?

You want to know how fast a nurse runs?

An 'urse. An 'urse.

What do you think this is, a perret?

Perret?

A perret. [Squawks like parrot]

[Imitates parrot talk] "Polly wants a cracker."

Stupid girl.

These other parrots. Their names.

Oh. Long John silver, guy with a wooden leg.

He wears a pirate on his shoulder--

I mean, a parrot on his shoulder.

Then there's Ruth, and she's a horse.

I mean, a nurse.

Look, why don't you just follow me to the fort, ok?

Hyah.

Fert?

[Sniffs]

[Groans]

Pick up those 'urseprints as evidence.

Back to the castle.

Oh--certainly. Ha ha.

These pirates won't know what hit 'em!

We'll put an end to their reign of terror,

butchery, arson, and rape,

not to mention robbery, flogging, kidnapping,

and cop killing!

Ooh.

Oh. Oh.

¶ Yo ho ho

ha ha ha.

¶ And a yo ho ho

¶ and a yo ho ho

¶ and a yo ho ho

¶ though to us it's evident ¶

¶ tarantara, tarantara

¶ these intentions are well-meant ¶

¶ tarantara

¶ such expressions don't appear ¶

¶ tarantara, tarantara

¶ calculated men to cheer

¶ tarantara

¶ who are going to meet their fate ¶

¶ tarantara, tarantara

¶ in a highly-nervous state ¶

¶ tarantara

¶ still, to us it's evident ¶

¶ these intentions are well-meant ¶

¶ these intentions are well-meant ¶

¶ tarantara, tarantara

¶ tarantara, tarantara

¶ tarantara, tarantara

¶ tarantara, tarantara

¶ tarantara, tarantara

¶ tarantara, tarantara

¶ tarantara-ra-ra

¶ tarantara

¶ tarantara, tarantara

¶ tarantara, tarantara

¶ tarantara-ra-ra

¶ tarantara

[Whistles]

Ah. Eh.

Lads.

¶ We are the pirates

¶ we are the pirates

¶ out on the ocean waves

¶ we instill fear and loathing ¶

¶ loathing

¶ we are very, very loathed ¶

oh! Whoa!

¶ Marauders with shiny swords ¶

¶ and very fancy clothing

¶ clothing

¶ we are very well clothed ¶

¶ total supremacy is what we gun for ¶

¶ we raise our flag and watch the cowards run ¶

¶ for we are the pirates

¶ rulers of the high seas ¶

¶ we can be irate

¶ sometimes very nasty ¶

¶ we wheel, we deal

¶ we steal their thunder ¶

¶ thunder

¶ we shoot, we loot ¶

¶ we put them under ¶

¶ under

¶ we are the pirates

¶ loot, shoot, plunder

¶ we can be irate

¶ shoot, loot asunder

¶ we're pirates ¶

¶ yo ho ho

¶ we're the pirates ¶

¶ yo ho ho

put your backs to it, lads.

And 1, 2...

Samuel: Now let's try the pyramid.

[Pirates shouting]

¶ Nothing we like better than our dreadful brawls ¶

¶ locked in battle, see our victims fall ¶

¶ oh, we are the pirates

¶ batten down the hatches ¶

¶ we can be irate

¶ aye, eye patches

¶ the pirates

¶ yo ho ho

¶ lads, the pirates

¶ yo ho ho

we are...

The pirates. The pirates.

Hunh!

Now I suppose we have to take the other one back.

Aw, shit. Aw, shit.

[Kiss]

Whoo hoo! Whoa!

[Pirates laughing]

[Women whispering]

2, 3, aah!

[Ding dong]

Avon calling.

[Coyote howls]

[Pirates cheering and yelling]

[Loud bang]

[Swords rattle]

[Pirates cheering, yelling, and laughing]

[Loud bangs and breaking glass]

[Breaking glass and loud crashes]

[Loud bang and breaking glass]

¶ With catlike tread

¶ upon our prey we steal

¶ in silence dread

¶ our forces we reveal

¶ no sound at all

¶ we never speak a word

¶ a fly's footfall would be distinctly heard ¶

¶ tarantara, tarantara

[loud bangs]

¶ So stealthily the pirate creeps ¶

¶ while all the household soundly sleeps ¶

[gasps]

Oh.

Whoa.

¶ Come, friends who plough the sea ¶

¶ steady navigation

¶ shirk and devastation

¶ let's vary piracy ¶

¶ with a little lechery

[loud bangs]

¶ Come, friends who plough the sea ¶

¶ steady navigation

¶ shirk and devastation

¶ let's vary piracy ¶

¶ with a little lechery

[sound of breaking glass]

[Pirates laughing]

[Tapping]

Mabel. Ooh, I've missed you.

That's nice. How have you been, Fred?

How have I been?

Come out and let me hold you.

Uh-uh.

At least a kiss.

Mabel, what is this?

Frederic, we're enemies now.

I thought you'd remember.

Oh, you don't think I want it this way.

It's up to you.

Ok. Ok. If that's the way you want it.

Good-bye, mabe.

Good-bye.

Ah!

Mwah!

Damn you.

Ooh, I love you.

I'll always love you, come what may.

Come what may?

We'll all be murdered in our beds come what may.

Well, run, for god's sake, run.

Death before dishonor?

Besides, have you tried running

in one of these things lately?

It's a real bitch.

Pirate king: Frederic.

Duty calls.

[Sighs] Enemies?

[Faint sound of pirates singing]

Enemies.

¶ Come, friends who plough the sea ¶

¶ steady navigation, shirk and devastation ¶

Frederic.

Oh, god.

Frederic!

[Echoing]

[Monocle shatters]

Good-bye.

Ta-ta. Coming!

[Loud clatter]

¶ Come, friends who plough the sea ¶

¶ tarantara

¶ steady navigation

¶ tarantara

¶ shirk and devastation

¶ tarantara

¶ let's vary piracy ¶

¶ with a little lech--

¶ with a little leche--

¶ with a little lechery

[door creaks]

Oh, no.

Seize him.

Aah!

Ooh.

Not him, you idiots.

Him!

Oh. Oh.

[Pirates shouting]

[Women whispering]

Pirate king: Come, lads.

The ladies are waiting.

[Chattering]

Get off. Get off.

Get off. Get off.

Frederic, help us!

Frederic, please.

Will no one save us?!

Whoa. Whoa.

[Whistles]

Ooh! Go back.

[Blows whistle]

Don't go there.

Good evening, all.

[Silence]

Hello, hello.

Hello. What's going on here, then?

It is my duty to warn you

that anything you say may be taken down.

Nic off! Nic off!

[Gasps]

[High-pitched sound]

[Sound of decompression imitating flatulence]

[Laughing]

For tit for tat.

[Yelling]

Come on!

Come on! Come on! Come on!

Look!

[Screaming]

Oh! Come on, girls. Hurry.

This way. Hurry, hurry, hurry.

Oh. Ooh. Ah! Oh.

Oh, Mabel, hide.

No. You look after them.

Oh!

Frederic: Mabel, no.

It-it's suicide.

Ooh!

Sam, stop fooling around.

Get off me!

[Screaming and yelling]

Ruff! Ruff! Ruff! Ruff!

Hyah.

Hyah. Ha ha ha.

Sorry.

Help! [Squawks]

Aargh!

Parrot: Look out, John.

[Squawks] Ha ha ha!

Parrot: Help. [Squawks]

Come on. Look out, John.

[Squawks]

[Parrot squawks]

Aargh!

[Squawks] I want it ended right now, John. Right now.

[Growling ferociously]

[Grrrr!]

Uhh!

[Screaming]

You have the right to remain silent.

Oh!

Oh, no. Not a pie fight.

No, no.

No, no. Not anchovy.

Pizza!

[Crying]

[Chuckles] Oh, oh, oh.

You got all the anchovies.

¶ Can I believe what I am seeing? ¶

¶ what I am feeling?

¶ Something so rare

¶ watching her there

¶ she makes my heart stop ¶

uhh!

War is hell.

[Pirates yelling]

[Horse whinnies]

Charge! Get out of my gymnasium, all of you.

Charge! What's going on here?

Uh.

Stanley: You there. Oh, get up.

Oh! Oh!

No. Put him down.

Oh, I'll deal with this.

Enough. Enough.

We are all orphans.

No more Mr. Nice guy.

You have taken advantage of my better nature,

my compassion for humanity,

my gentle kindness

to all creatures great and small.

Rip their lungs out!

Feed them to the sharks, beginning with her.

[Pirates cheer]

No. Wait a minute. Wait a minute!

This is my dream.

I want a happy ending.

I want a happy ending!

[Cheering]

A happy ending?

Papa, a full pardon for Frederic?

No. Frederic has done nothing

to be pardoned for.

At every turn of fate and fortune,

he has simply done his duty.

Kneel, Frederic.

Arise, sir Frederic.

I reward you with the fairest prize

at my command.

That is,

if she still is at my command.

My youngest daughter, Mabel.

Mabel's sister: Papa, that's not fair.

That's not fair. Come on. Come on.

Papa, the custom. You've got to do something.

I can't get married till they are.

We are helpless.

Mabel, it's your dream.

[Clock chiming 12 times]

I found your glasses.

Thank you.

[Silence]

You and you and--and-- and--and--and you and you.

Right. And you and you and you and you--

yeah, and you-- and up there. Yeah, you.

You, bidley, and--and you.

And you and you.

You're a problem.

That was no dream I had last night.

I loved a woman.

I want that woman for my wife.

I accept.

But that was you last--

well, in that case, lads...

I accept.

[Cheering]

Wait a minute. I thought you--

you and he-- I don't get it.

You will.

[Upbeat music playing]

¶ No more sad times, mad or bad times ¶

¶ no more minor keys

¶ life's for living ¶

¶ sharing, giving

¶ life's for you and me ¶

¶ when the going's rough and you've had enough ¶

¶ leave your troubles and your woes ¶

¶ turn the other cheek and forget your grief ¶

¶ make a friend out of your foe ¶

oh.

¶ Give me a happy ending every time ¶

¶ we'll kiss and make up ¶

¶ that's a very peaceful sign ¶

¶ give me a happy ending every time ¶

¶ don't be unhappy ¶

¶ everything will work out fine ¶

¶ no more fighting, scratching, biting ¶

¶ no more police and thieves ¶

¶ all is sweetness, light and neatness ¶

¶ yes, sir

¶ no, thanks

¶ please

¶ when you've had your fill of life's ugly pills ¶

¶ the sadness and the pain ¶

¶ take the box of pills and attendant ills ¶

¶ flush them down the drain ¶

¶ give me a happy ending every time ¶

¶ we'll kiss and make up ¶

¶ that's a very peaceful sign ¶

¶ give me a happy ending every time ¶

¶ don't be unhappy ¶

¶ everything will work out fine ¶

¶ everything will work out fine ¶

¶ give me a happy ending every time ¶

¶ we'll kiss and make up ¶

¶ that's a very peaceful sign ¶

[surf pounding]

Your name wouldn't by any chance be Frederic, would it?

No.

Don't suppose you came looking for me

out of a sense of duty?

Not exactly.

[Bells chiming]

[Music plays]

¶ Give me a happy ending every time ¶

¶ we'll kiss and make up ¶

¶ that's a very peaceful sign ¶

¶ give me a happy ending every time ¶

¶ don't be unhappy ¶

¶ 'cause everything will work out ¶

¶ will all work out fine

¶ give me a happy ending ¶

¶ every time

¶ give me a happy ending ¶

¶ every time

¶ give me a happy ending ¶

214, take one.

Man: Quiet.

Someone better take my gum.

[Crew laughing]

Please cut.

I just want to say that...

It's not all sunglasses and autographs.

¶ Give me a happy ending every time ¶

¶ we'll kiss and make up ¶

¶ that's a very peaceful sign ¶

¶ give me a happy ending every time ¶

¶ don't be unhappy ¶

¶ everything will work out fine ¶

¶ no more fighting, scratching, biting ¶

¶ no more police and thieves ¶

¶ all is sweetness, light and neatness ¶

¶ yes, sir

¶ no, thanks

¶ please

¶ when you've had your fill of life's ugly pills ¶

¶ the sadness and the pain ¶

¶ take the box of pills and attendant ills ¶

¶ flush them down the drain ¶

¶ give me a happy ending every time ¶

¶ we'll kiss and make up ¶

¶ that's a very peaceful sign ¶

¶ give me a happy ending every time ¶

¶ don't be unhappy ¶

¶ everything will work out fine ¶

¶ everything will work out fine ¶

¶ give me a happy ending every time ¶

¶ we'll kiss and make up ¶

¶ that's a very peaceful sign ¶

¶ give me a happy ending every time ¶

¶ don't be unhappy ¶

¶ everything will work out fine ¶

¶ give me a happy ending every time... ¶