Original subtitles

? ?

Aw, look at that.

Such a good pop-pop.

You want to give her back to me now?

Mm, I can't.

Oh, I know, she's so sweet.

No, no, I...

I can't move my arms or my legs.

Every part of me is asleep.

I've been sitting here for--

Well, I'd tell you,

but I can't turn my head to look at my watch.

You want me to crack your neck?

No, no, don't touch me that much--I'm just gonna get back here...

[neck cracks] Don't, don't-- oh!

Oh! Oh!

Whew! Oh!

Oh, that was okay right there.

Where'd you learn to do that?

TikTok.

I wasn't actually sure if it would work.

Ooh, wait a min-- Okay.

Yeah, I'm starting to feel a little life in my foot

right there, that's good.

All right.

Well,

Malcolm is outside in the car,

bidding a fond adieu to Museum Girl.

I mean fond, I'm talking...

[moaning]

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

[deep voice]: Museum Girl.

[moaning]

Ooh, ooh, Malcolm! [giggling]

Ooh!

Ooh.

Uh, would you like some time

to be alone with yourself?

I'd like to be dead. [chuckles]

Okay, so, uh...

who's Museum Girl?

Oh, it's this new woman Malcolm's been seeing,

but he's being super secretive about it.

He won't even tell us her name.

Yeah. But we do know he met her at a museum.

Hence the sobriquet.

Uh, say what now?

Moniker.

Nickname.

Oh, okay.

[chuckles]

Well, if we know Malcolm,

her nickname should be "gone soon."

[chuckling]

What does that mean?

Well, you see, Courtney,

whenever Malcolm starts to date someone seriously,

he always comes up with a reason to break up with her.

You know, "Dad, she's great,

but... she blinks too much."

There is always a "but."

Oh, one time, the "but" was a flat butt.

Which actually made sense...

That did make sense, it made a lot of sense.

[overlapping chatter]

Oh!

Hi, Malcolm.

Nice try, Courtney.

I saw you spying on us.

I'm sorry.

If it makes it any better, I didn't see her face.

'Cause your mouth was all over it.

[laughter]

Why are you keeping her a secret, Malcolm?

Is she ugly?

Is she missing a side tooth?

She is beautiful, damn it, okay?

Her name is Angela, and we get along great.

She is smart, she is funny...

BOTH: But...

There is no "but."

Okay, okay, okay, is there a "though"?

Or a "however," or...

"having said that"?

That was the old me.

But I have never dated anyone like Angela.

She is amazing.

Look, check this out: We just went

to the Goya exhibit at the Norton Simon,

and she knew more than the tour guide.

Well, that's good, man.

You know what? I'm happy for you.

Thank you, Pop.

Yeah, your mom is going to be thrilled.

- Oh, no, no. - No, no. No, no, no, no.

[overlapping chatter]

As soon as she finds out,

she'll want to meet her, she'll make a big fuss.

She will scare her off.

Yeah, she does tend to go overboard.

Overboard?

She starts underwater.

[overlapping chatter]

Yeah, she can get a little crazy, right?

Hey, keep my mother's name - out of your mouth! - You know what?

I don't know who you think you are.

I don't know who you think you are,

but that's a no up in here.

- My bad. - You don't talk about Tina.

? Welcome to the block, welcome to the neighborhood ?

? Welcome to the hood. ?

I got to say, Marty,

you did a nice job getting Daphne dressed this morning.

She's even got the right kind of diaper on.

You may also notice it is not on backwards.

Or sideways.

I still don't know how he managed to do that.

Those diapers had a very counterintuitive design!

Hey.

MARTY: Ooh!

Divine, simply divine.

- Oh, that's beautiful, babe. - Yeah, that's the one, Mama.

I don't know, it's for Daphne's christening.

You know, I want something that says,

"I'm the grandmother, but I can still

read without my glasses."

But you can't though.

I know, Calvin, that's why I want the dress to say it.

- Hey, hey, everybody. - MARTY: Oh, hey, Malcolm.

Amazon for Mama.

Please tell me that's not more dresses.

No, it's not dresses.

It's the baby stuff that I subscribe to on Amazon.

Because Marty doesn't know what he's doing.

Like when he bought the sideways diapers.

Hey, guys.

MARTY: Oh, hey, Gemma.

He's mad about the evite.

I'm not mad.

I'm just disappointed.

Uh, I didn't get an evite.

Uh, yes, you did get an evite, you did.

You see, the funny thing about an evite is

it tells you when someone opens it.

And you all opened it.

- Oh, oh, that-that evite. - Yeah, right.

- That one. - Yes.

He's very excited for his party,

because it has kombucha and bocce ball.

Or as we like to call them,

"Booch and Botch."

All right, you know what, Dave?

We'll come, uh, we'll all come.

Okay. All right?

[clears throat] Ooh!

I say yes to that dress.

Oh, I love it.

It's perfect.

Oh, yeah, perf. Totes perf.

No, I-I don't know, don't you think

it's a little flashy for a christening?

Excuse me?

Uh, Gemma, a little help here?

Mm-mm. Don't put me in this.

Why do you hate it?

Or is it that you hate your mother?

Do you not want me to come?

Is this how you disinvite me?!

Malcolm has a serious girlfriend!

What?!

CALVIN: Oh, wow.

Marty, that's cold.

We are no longer brothers.

Malcolm, is that true?

Mama, Mama, look, just calm down, okay?

It's only been a month.

Ooh, let's set up a dinner!

What does she like to eat?

Does she have any allergies?

You know what, I can just call her.

DAVE: Tina, I got it.

The Booch and Botch party tomorrow night.

You know what, Malcolm,

I'm gonna put you down for a plus-one.

Oh, perfect!

Thank you, Dave.

This is so exciting. Okay.

Two more dresses.

[laughing]

- Hey, Marty? - Yeah?

- Run. - Okay. [shouts]

DAVE: Ooh, great shot.

You know, Dave, I don't get this kombucha.

There's no alcohol in it?

It-it just tastes bad?

Dave, mine is great.

Well, I'm glad some people appreciate it.

I poured mine out. This is pinot.

- Hook a brother up. - Okay.

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh!

They just pulled up, and guess what?

Angela is really great at parallel parking.

Hey, everybody.

This is--

Angela!

Ooh, oh, my goodness, I love your outfit.

And your hair and that jewelry.

I just love you.

Aw, that's so nice.

Well, that's me. I'm nice.

You're gonna love me.

Uh, Pop?

Yeah, I got this. Uh, hey, uh...

Um, nice to meet you. I'm Malcolm's dad.

Tina, Tina, Tina, come on, babe, we--

we need you to take it down a notch.

Calvin, Marty's about to see his baby be christened, okay?

And I have yet to see either of my babies married.

Let me speak this into existence.

You're about to speak her back into the car.

I cannot tell you how excited

I am to finally meet you.

Ooh! I know what we can to do.

My other son Marty has the cutest little baby.

Marty!

Wave to Angela.

[chuckles] Yeah, I don't know if Malcolm told you,

but she's gonna be christened Sunday.

We would love for you to come.

I would love that.

I've never been to a christening.

Oh, it's so fun.

Oh, and you're gonna love my outfit.

It's a little bit of Gayle King,

with a splash of Olivia Pope,

and a hint of "Housewife Reunion."

Atlanta not Potomac.

[chuckles]

All right, I'm not familiar.

Oh, you know.

The most stylish Black women on TV.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

I don't have a TV.

What?

It's such a time suck.

Empty calories for the mind, you know?

Oh, well...

I don't watch that much TV anyway.

[laughing]

I'm really more of a book girl. Ooh.

My grandma always called TV the "idiot box."

I love your top.

Thank you.

I go thrifting, too.

- That's your little one? - Mm-hmm.

So precious!

Yeah, that's my baby girl.

And in her little princess onesie.

Smart, better she know now

she'll be living in a patriarchy her whole life.

Wow, a principal at a private school?

My seventh year.

I hope you don't listen when people say

you're just perpetuating a two-tiered educational system.

I'm not saying kombucha doesn't improve gut health.

I'm just asking, who wants us to believe that?

The people who've made it their life's work

to study stomach microbiomes?

I'm just saying...

follow the money.

Hey, I hate to interrupt you two,

but I come bearing kombucha.

Thanks.

Your friend Dave has been telling me all about it.

Oh, well, I have come to save you.

Save her?

You sure I can't help you clean up?

Oh, no, we got this. Thanks.

All right, well, it was so nice to meet you all.

- Bye-bye. - Bye, y'all.

Ain't she great?

I love the way she just says whatever's on her mind.

[chuckles]

Her fearlessness is just so inspiring.

Yeah, I see all your teeth, - man. That's a good sign. - She's... pretty.

CALVIN: Okay.

You know what? Good for Malcolm.

You know, not long ago,

he would have been searching for something wrong with that lady.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, Angela's great.

Yeah. So great.

Yeah. - Yeah. - Yeah.

- Really, really great. - Yeah.

But is she great?

CALVIN: Ooh.

DAVE: Uh, guys,

uh...

she sucks.

Dave! Ugh.

Dave.

You shouldn't say that. You can think that--

I was thinking it-- but you shouldn't say it.

Well, it had to be said. She's a booch hater.

And she hates princesses.

She called my school "elitist."

- She said that? - She didn't say it,

she said "people" say it, but I know she's "people."

Yeah.

I knew there was something wrong with that girl.

Who doesn't like TV?

You know what? I'm taking her off the evite list.

CALVIN: Yeah. That's it.

Oh, boy.

What did you do?

I invited her to Daphne's christening.

Oh, God, no!

I know. What was I thinking?

GEMMA:Well,

maybe Angela's not that bad.

Maybe she was just nervous.

There's a lot of us and one of her.

Yeah-- and, look, and Malcolm's smart.

You know? I'm sure he sees something that we don't see.

You know, great qualities underneath all the...

terrible qualities that we've seen.

Yeah. Everybody has good and bad.

With every relationship, you have to put up

with little annoyances about your partner.

God knows we have them.

Yeah.

"We..."

meaning "us"?

No.

? ?

Okay-- what exactly about me annoys you?

I shouldn't have said "annoying."

Uh, but you did.

So, please,

tell me what I do that annoys you.

And be specif.

That.

What?

Shortening words for no reason.

Just say "specific."

Yeah, but it saves time and it's cool.

You know what? You're being totes ridic.

Oh.

I'm the one who sounds totally ridiculous?

Oh. Oh, did you see that?

That right there-- that just took forever.

?

What is up, Calvin and Tina?

It is lovely to see you.

- Oh, come on, Dave. - Oh.

I am surprised that you do not like this.

[moans]

Uh, Dave, why are you talking like that?

Oh, well, it was brought to my attention

that I am known for truncating words

in a way that Gemma Johnson

finds unattractive.

Like when you said Daphne

was "adorbs"? Mm.

That is correct.

So now I am only using full words

with Gemma Johnson

in the hopes of increasing my odds

of sexual intercourse.

Those odds are plummeting, David.

Hey, hey, everybody.

Oh, this is so nice.

TINA: Hi, Malcolm. Um...

that's a new look.

Why the hell does my son have on a purse?

I got him a man-bag.

His look needed some updating.

Boy, are your toes out in church?

Uh, yes, Pop.

Angela got me thinking when she asked,

"Why are we hiding our feet from God? He made them."

Well, isn't Angela just full of good questions?

[both chuckle]

Yeah, Angela's full of...

Uh, Tina-- church.

Would you listen to them?

Makes me glad we're not a couple.

Don't worry, we would never be a couple.

[chuckles]

Boy, you hit that "never" pretty hard.

[both chuckle]

Why have we not started?

It is three of the clock.

[moans]

[organ music playing]

Oh. We should take our seats.

[nasally]: We should take our seats.

[regular]: I mean, how is she gonna tell us when to sit

at our own grandbaby's christening?

Right? I mean, she got some nerve, right?

We gonna sit down when we want to sit.

Ain't nobody gonna tell us... When we want to sit is when we sit.

- ...when we sit. Not a word. - Nobody tell us when to sit.

We should probably - go sit, though. - Yeah, we should sit.

Welcome, everyone, to this most blessed occasion.

Will the parents of Daphne Luna Pridgeon-Butler come up,

- along with the godparents? - CALVIN: All right.

Oh, no.

Where does she think she going?

No... Where does she think she...

Angela.

Hello.[laughs]

What is Museum Girl - doing up here? - I am not responsible for her.

- She's here with your brother. - She's just gonna accuse me

- of being part of the patriarchy! - You better make her leave.

If we may begin?

We may.

Dearly beloved,

we gather today to welcome

a child of God into the fold.

This child has been born in baptism,

and she is now called a child of God.

And so, indeed she is.

The confirmation...

My dear brothers and sisters,

let us ask our Lord to look lovingly on this child

who is to baptized, from her parents and godparents

and on all the baptized.

We look upon this baby in wonder and love,

but now I ask you to look at one another.

Because you all are examples to this innocent soul.

Yes, we are.

This is the best day of my life.[chuckles]

MARVIN: And let her remind us of the joy

we can feel when we look past our petty differences

and rejoice in Your glory.

[mutters] What?

Gemma, I'm so sorry I was a jerk.

Life is too short and it's too precious.

Ugh, it's totes presh.

I'm sorry about the "never" thing.

Of all the people I could have had an illegitimate baby with,

I'm glad I did it with you.

So am I.

Will all of you assembled here promise to guide Daphne

to the path of righteousness, purpose and prosperity?

- Oh, yes. - Yes, sir. Yes, we will.

Hundo P.

? ?

Okay, people, if we can all gather over here?

Oh.

You got her, baby?

No. No.

Angela cannot be in this photo.

The photo that's gonna be over our fireplace forever?

All right, let me think, let me think.

Okay, everybody!

Tall people in the back.

Angela, you stand to the right over here.

Okay, here we go.

PHOTOGRAPHER: Okay, everyone, look right here.

One, two, three.

Looks great.

Okay, we're gonna do another. Okay, uh, g--

well, hold on, hold on, hold on.

Uh, Angela?

- Yeah? - Why don't we scooch you

- right back here? - Okay.

Okay. One, two, three.

You have got to be kidding me.

- C-Can you give us a minute? - Give us, give us a minute.

[laughs]: Just give us a minute.

You know what? It is time to rip the Band-Aid off.

- TINA: Yeah. - Malcolm?

Can I talk to you for a minute over here?

- Oh, yeah. Mm-hmm. - Yeah, come on.

[both laugh]

Hey, sure thing. What's up, Pop?

Hey, look, uh, Malcolm, you know what?

Your mother and I, we are very, very, very proud of you.

You have put in a lot of good work on yourself,

and it's just great to see you

in a committed relationship, you know?

Oh. Thank you, Pop.

But what the hell are you doing?

Excuse me?

Look, I-I don't know how to put this--

there's no other way to say it.

I can't sugarcoat it, I can't salt-pinch it--

it's just that we don't like Angela.

Really?

You... Mm-mm.

Why?

I mean, it's just...

everything that she says

and-and she does and...

just pretty much her whole personality.

Wow.

Look, I'm sorry, because I know this is what you wanted,

that you really, really like her...

No, I don't.

I mean, I thought I did at first,

but once I got to know her...

Ooh, she is awful.

You know, I just thought it was me finding excuses again, Pop.

I've been trying so hard to mature

and hang in there with Angela,

even though things aren't perfect.

You know, I just want what you and Mama have.

And you'll have it, son.

With somebody else, though.

Anybody else.

Look-- ugh, Malcolm, I'm sorry,

I guess I'm partly responsible why Angela is here.

Partly?

It's okay, Mama. [chuckles]

- I guess I know what I got to do. - All right?

Do it, and then get rid of that damn scarf

so we can take this family picture.

I'm on it.

Hey, Angela? Hey.

Can we talk outside for a minute?

[chuckles] Please.

Smells like mold in here.

Hold this. [clears throat]

You know what?

I think I'm gonna go out there, too.

I just need to talk to Angela.

Just some things that I need to say

that I can't say in this damn church.

No, Tina. No, no, Tina, no.

No, no, no. Tina, don't you try. Hey.

I need a press. I need a full press right here.

[overlapping chatter]

Moth... [screams]

Ugh, get her.

- Get her! - Put me down!

Captioning sponsored by CBS

and TOYOTA.

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0