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1 Wow. I-I can't believe Dan might be your boyfriend's dad.

My head is swimming.

I almost need a reminder of how we got here.

Okay, fine. But this is the last time.

Previously on "Night Court"...

Haven't seen you around here, which is a good thing,

'cause it means you're not a criminal.

Get ready to see a little bit more of me tomorrow.

Tomorrow I have this stupid.

"Sensitivity and Respect in the Workplace" seminar.

I'm running it.

- Consent to ravage you. - Consent given.

We are nowhere near meeting parents.

Parent. I've never met my biological father.

This is my mom.

So, is this your first time in New York?

No, I lived here in the '80s.

Before I had Jake,

I actually dated a lawyer who worked in this courthouse.

What a small world.

I wonder if the guy you dated knew...

I think Dan might be your boyfriend's dad.

Oh, that was helpful.

I like how you did it in four to six digestible bites.

So you swear you haven't told anyone about this?

I can keep a secret.

For instance, I haven't told anyone

Wyatt hooked up with that scary security guard.

And that happened right in this room.

On surfaces that you eat off of.

Oh, get it, table.

It has to be handled with the utmost care.

I can't just come out and say, "Jake, Dan's your dad."

Dan is my dad?

I saw him there, but you were on a roll.

Not how I wanted you to find out,

but maybe this is better.

Now together, we can find the perfect way

to tell Dan you're his surprise son.

Jake's my surprise son?

Starting now, everyone wears tap shoes.

I know this is shocking, but let's focus on the positive.

Jake, Dan could be the father figure you've always dreamed of.

Whoa, whoa, now I got to live up to some kid's dreams?

In my dreams, you showed up 30 years ago in an Acura Legend

- and took me to play Skee-Ball. - [LAUGHS]

I wouldn't be caught dead in a Legend.

Let's all take a break.

I mean, we don't even know if it's true.

We don't even know if it's true?!

[GRUNTING]

[GLASS SHATTERING]

Okay, so now we know that's not the way to tell them.

This was a very poor way to break this news to us.

If you had delivered the information better,

we could be a family right now!

I am so upset!

I'm gonna take it out on these priceless Fabergé eggs!

Wait a minute.

I only have Fabergé eggs in my dreams.

I guess that means this is a dream.

It would explain how I'm pregnant

with our future president.

Mr. Jasper, we all love Baskin-Robbins'

free-sample policy, but it's understood

the samples go in your mouth, not your pants.

I'll let you off with a warning.

Ohh, so close.

I really thought I had it that time.

But I swear, you will never beat me again.

Because this was my last case as prosecutor.

What? No, Murray, you can't leave.

I never thought it was possible I could win this much.

And I have a very high opinion of myself.

Sorry, Dan. I was only filling in

until the DA's office found a permanent replacement

for Olivia.

I still can't believe she left us

for a big law firm with better pay and benefits.

But is she happy?

According to her Facebook, extremely.

Ah, there's really a replacement,

or just you in a wig again?

Wait, you were Arthur B. Lawyer?

Were you also Olivia? [GASPS]

I changed my clothes in front of her.

Yeah, this new prosecutor is impressive on paper.

She did some corporate law a while back

but recently has been a practicing criminal.

Uh, I know we don't get the best people,

but this can't be right.

No, it is.

- Hi, Dan. - Aah!

Julianne.

You're out of prison.

Does the warden know?

The new prosecutor is the woman who swore to destroy Dan?

I didn't know she was a lawyer.

They'll let anyone be a criminal these days.

No, I left that life behind.

Now I want to use my legal skills to make the city safer.

And to address the elephant in the room,

whom I no longer see thanks to those fantastic pharmaceuticals,

I did want Dan dead.

But... pff... come on. Who hasn't?

Hey, I need to talk to your boyfriend.

What? No, you don't. You have nothing in common

and no reason to see each other.

Yes, we do. I have an HR emergency.

Would you believe that our new HR rep

looks a lot like Flobert in a wig?

Fine. I'll call Jake.

I'll get right to the point. I called this meeting

to disclose a relationship with a co-worker.

This woman tried to kill me.

Okay, so on the form, I'll just put "other."

Oh, never mind. "Kill me" is on here.

I guess I should also disclose that we are in a relationship.

But that's it.

No other relationships to disclose.

So meeting over?

Uh, no, but I do need to keep this brief.

I'm visiting my mom at the hospital.

She's fine, but she just got some work done

on what she calls her "man-catchers."

My therapist said conversations like that are why I got into HR.

Jake is extra close with his mom

because he doesn't know who his dad is.

No one does.

Fine, yeah. My dad wrestled alligators.

And your dad was a judge who also did magic.

Now we're all caught up on dads.

Can we get back to the woman who clearly took this job

to exact some horrible revenge on me?

Oh, Dan, six months ago, you would have been spot-on.

I mean, yeah, old Julianne

would definitely have conned her way out of prison

and lied herself into this job

just so she could watch you squirm.

But that Julianne is gone.

I killed her.

Cheeto?

Let's say for the moment that I believe you, which I don't.

You could be a prosecutor anywhere.

If this is not some sort of sick game of cat and mouse,

why did you choose the one courthouse

with this juicy little mouse?

Because hardly any judges in this city

signed up for Operation Second Chance.

But one judge signed up 40 times.

You signed off on this and kept it from me?

I'm not keeping things from you.

Why does that keep coming up?

I don't think it has.

Unless you're keeping things from me.

Not keeping things!

Look, I had no idea the new prosecutor was Julianne,

but her record's been expunged.

I got a glowing letter from her parole officer.

Oh, and she was vice president of the knitting club.

They gave her needles in prison. How bad could she be?

Great, I've always wanted to be trapped in a macrame net.

Oh, Dan, macrame couldn't hold a guy like you

for more than three minutes.

Julianne's our prosecutor. We just have to make it work.

Like one big happy family.

Not a family. No one's family.

We would have disclosed that earlier

when we were disclosing things.

I think I know what's going on here.

No time for theories.

Jake has to go see his mom's new rack.

- Come on. - She sent me pictures,

but she said they don't do them justice.

The last time I saw Dan, we kissed.

And I think he's upset

because it meant more to him than it did to me.

Oh, that's a lie.

I rocked your face.

I am telling you, she is a wolf in sheep's clothing,

and I'm a juicy little spring lamb.

You just said you were a juicy mouse.

Uh, since that's the third use,

"juicy" is what we in HR call a problem word.

Just pipe down, young man.

I'm old enough to be your father.

Okay, meeting's over. Good stuff.

Everyone's pappy... happy.

Let's skedaddy... skedaddle.

Get out!

Okay, I think I finally figured out a way

to tell Dan that Jake might be his son...

this friendly, anonymous letter.

That explains why this article doesn't make sense.

- Hey, Judge. - Nothing.

Oh, you two were talking about how Dan might be Jake's daddy.

Damn it, Murray, should have known you couldn't keep a secret

after you told me about Wyatt and that scary security guard.

That doesn't count.

I told you that in a dream.

Just tell him, Judge.

I was nervous to talk to my neighbor

about his loud music, but I did.

And that's how I met Robert Durst dressed as a woman.

It's not as simple as you

meeting Robert Durst in disguise.

I mean, we're not even positive they are father and son.

I could be getting Jake's hopes up over nothing.

Telling them would be a whole lot easier if I knew for sure.

Well, let's get some hard proof.

We can trick those guys into a paternity test easy.

I'm always looking for a reason to steal DNA.

And I'm always looking for a reason

- to hold a fake blood drive. - [GASPS]

That's why we're friends.

No one's stealing any DNA.

We can get the answer in a normal way.

Now, what color roses say, "Hey, Jake's mom, nice boobs.

Any chance Dan saw the befores?"

- Orange. - Orange.

Midge, if the cafeteria in the prison was run this well,

there would be no riots.

Oh, she's good.

Winning over the court one by one,

preying on the weak and the stupid.

Pulling the wool over their eyes.

Luckily, the three of us know better.

I like her.

She looks like if Connecticut was a person.

Luckily, the two of us know better.

Maybe you've misjudged her. She seems reformed to me.

Where'd you get the scarf?

I don't know.

I don't remember my life before I got it.

She's literally pulled the wool over your eyes.

I think it's pashmina.

You can tell that quack doctor they're big enough

when I say they're big enough.

And I don't think these pills are even working.

Hi, Susan. Brought you flowers.

A bouquet for your bou-bays.

Sorry, I'm super uncomfortable.

If it isn't my favorite cousin.

You got a lot of nerve showing your face around here, Barbara.

Oh, no, uh, I'm not Barbara.

I'm... I'm Jake's girlfriend, Abby.

Hey, Barbara, do you remember your little joke

where you would pretend to call a tow truck

and report two flats?

Well, they're not so flat anymore, are they?

Maybe I should go.

But I have always felt like I could tell you anything.

Well, if you're in a sharing mood, maybe I'll stay.

Come closer.

Oh!

That's for telling me you can't get pregnant in a pool.

Um, back to us telling each other everything.

Um, you know, I was just thinking,

we haven't talked about Jake's dad in a while, huh?

Come closer.

I don't want to.

Oh, Barbara, you know I don't know who Jake's dad is.

Well, uh, maybe we could figure it out.

Um, didn't you date a lawyer who worked at night court

right around the time you were pregnant with Jake?

I dated so many people back then.

There was a lawyer.

And a judge.

A judge?

Was it a night court judge?

And a magician.

A judge and a magician?

Or a judge, comma, and a magician?

Where's the comma, Susan?

Oh!

Mom, if you don't stop yelling at the doctor,

he's gonna take them back.

Abby, you came to visit my mom. That's so sweet.

Yeah, yeah, we were just, um, taking a trip down memory lane.

I never realized how much you two look alike.

But that makes sense, because you are...

related.

Yeah, we are kind of twins, right?

Like kissing a mirror.

Okay, I'm in. Let's get their DNA.

Don't ask why I changed my mind.

And just for fun...

here's mine, too.

- Why would we test your... - I said don't ask!

So, getting Jake's DNA will be easy.

We both shed like Chow Chows.

Which is a coincidence,

not a trait inherited from a common parent.

Well, don't worry about Dan.

His DNA's as good as ours.

- We have a plan. - And it's foolproof.

Is Flobert in the trash can?

Yes, I am.

So, Dan just got his nightly coffee.

When he goes to throw out his cup,

Flobert will be in there waiting with a sterile evidence bag

to preserve the integrity of the sample.

Bingo bango.

But in the meantime,

won't he just be getting covered in garbage?

Oh, Abby, that's what the "cups only" sign is for.

What "cups only" sign?

The one I'm sticking on right now.

I forgot to make it.

And another great thing about the scarf is,

I can say anything when I'm wearing it,

and I still look cool.

To wit... I think my rash is spreading.

Alright. Julianne, I saved you a seat over here.

Yeah, she may have all of you fooled,

but under that veneer of civility

is a volcano of rage just waiting to erupt.

And I'm just about to be that thing

that makes the volcano go...

[SPUTTERS]

And, Dan, uh, just so you know,

when you're done drinking that coffee,

you can throw it out in that trash can.

Don't let the lack of sign fool you.

It's definitely for cups.

It is so refreshing to pick a seat

without having to navigate gang dynamics.

"You have to sit on the floor

'cause you didn't pay proper respects to Big Spider."

It's just exhausting.

Um, you know what, Julianne?

I wanted to apologize for how I acted earlier.

I'm very impressed with how you're handling this.

I mean, I couldn't work with the man who sent my ass to jail

and stole the best years of my life.

I mean, I'd want to just pick up a spoon and reach over the table

and jab him in the jugular with it.

Oh, boy. [CHUCKLES]

I am really gonna enjoy this.

Mm. This soup is cold.

That's because today's soup...

is salsa.

Let me throw this out for you.

Oh, no, I think that's just for cups.

- Sweet Lord! - Lord!

Thank you for this table. Amen.

As I was saying,

I'm just so glad that you're completely changed,

because if you weren't fully reformed,

I mean, I can't imagine the... the bubbling rage

that would come up in you every time you saw my carefree smile.

I could wear your teeth like a necklace.

That's how beautiful they are.

You know what? Something weird's going on here.

Finally an ally.

No, there's a sock in my coffee.

Now, you said this is for cups?

Uh, yeah. Empty cups. Empty cups.

What the...

Did you guys hear that?

- I didn't hear anything. - Me neither.

So, Dan, you were saying something

about your bubbling rage?

No, not my rage, your rage.

No, your rage!

[CELLPHONE RINGS]

- What? - I should take this.

Dan, as your friend,

I really think that you should deal with your anger

before your anger deals with you.

Big Spider told me that.

Alright, fine. The volcano didn't erupt.

But she's this close.

Uh, that sure is a lot of broken glass

headed for the "cups only" trash can.

Sorry. I'm full.

Let this be a warning to all of you, alright?

Because the... the last words

out of the villagers of Pompeii's mouth,

"Oh, Julianne seems nice."

All I can taste is sock now.

Where the hell did that trash can go?

- I can get that for you. - Okay.

What are you do...

Mm-hmm.

Well, that was easy.

The evidence is overwhelming.

Fingerprints everywhere.

And you dropped your diary at the crime scene.

Herman, is it possible that you wanted to be caught?

Those prison bars,

do they take you back to the bars of your crib,

the last place that you truly felt safe?

Apparently, we're changing our plea to guilty.

30 days in jail.

Just a tip before you go back on the inside.

Go and find the biggest guy in the yard and give him this.

You'll have a friend for life.

Did you hear that? She uses scarves as currency.

This is a debt I'll have to repay.

If she asks me to kill you,

feel this and tell me you wouldn't do it.

Wyatt, don't worry your warm little neck about it.

I finally have everything I need

to expose Julianne for who she really is.

Alright, Judge, I got the DNA results.

Oh, Murray, I could kiss you

if I weren't now worried anyone could secretly be my brother.

What? These are just headshots of you.

I thought if you had the lab results first,

you'd be too distracted to give me your honest opinion.

So, what do you think, silly or sassy?

Can I please just have the lab results?

And obviously sassy.

The People vs...

Your Honor, I would like to call for a mistrial.

This prosecutor is not who she appears to be.

I knew it. She's a princess.

Sure, she's got a glowing letter

from her parole officer, Stan Kinds.

What do we know about old Stan?

I'll tell you what I know.

He doesn't exist.

Yes, I-I do.

No, you don't.

I called the number on your letterhead.

It was a laundromat.

Sorry. I have a second job.

The city's expensive.

No, this is not true.

You are a figment of her imagination,

designed to taunt and play with me.

Let me ask you this... If not, why is your name, Stan Kinds,

just a lazy anagram for "Dan stinks"?

Oh, it is? That's fun.

No, listen, I know that there's this other information and facts

that proves that she's a monster, like, um...

Like telling you a scarf is made of pashmina

when it's made out of lies.

Look, her start paperwork.

She has that her first day was the 22nd.

Today is the 21st. Ha!

Today is the 22nd.

Aw, I missed a dentist appointment.

Okay, now seems like a good time for a break.

- Where are the lab results? - They are right here.

- Oh, good. - Oh, man.

I got to stop keeping everything in unmarked envelopes.

Editor of the Yale Law Journal.

Passed the bar in three states. Huh.

This is all true?

You're, um, actually the real deal.

You know, that's on me for only mentioning it

over and over and over again.

So you're not obsessed with me?

I'm just crazy.

That would explain why I thought I heard a trash can screaming.

Well, you're not all wrong.

When I was in prison, I did think about you.

A lot.

That kiss did rock my face.

But, Dan, you're bad for me.

And if I'm going to make this work,

then that is a line I cannot cross.

So instead, I'm just going to have to go hard at you

every night until we are dripping with sweat

and begging for mercy.

As lawyers.

Yeah, lawyers are good.

Oh, and... and you weren't wrong

about the talking trash can.

That guy "Flo-bare" was inside.

Everybody here thinks

that you're the judge's boyfriend's dad.

You think what?

Would it make you feel better to know

that my boyfriend's not my brother?

sync and corrections by solfieri www.MY-SUBS.com