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( country music playing )

Man #1: * There's a place I know, come along with me *

Man #2: Just break some laws and get in free *

* Three hots and a cot * An orange jump suit

* Your name's a number * Ain't that a hoot

* Throw out that list of things to do *

* The State's got plans for you *

* Let's go to prison

* Stir...

* Let's go to prison

* Now, it's corrections officer, not called a guard *

* Now, won't you kids go play in the yard? *

* Yeah, walk an earth circle or lift some weights *

* Might get lucky, might get some dates *

* Ain't talking hoops when I say man-on-man *

* Zone defense, do what you can *

* Let's go to prison * Big house

* Let's go to prison

* Yeah

* Lock 'em

* Trading smokes for toilet booze *

* Snitch give you up to the screws *

* Bought yourself some time in the hole *

* They'll throw you a Bible to save your soul *

* Oh ho ho, Lord...

* Doing a nickel * Doing a dime

* You know you're innocent

* You didn't do the crime

* This place takes patience * You will find

* But as long as we're here

Together: * Just have a good time *

* In Angola, Attica, Sing Sing **

* Let's go to prison, come on, now *

* San Quentin, Tehachapi * You know you wanna go

* It's called prison

* Let's go, let's go * Red Wing, Alcatraz

* Let's go!

John: Our justice system sucks.

Man #2: I'm a bad man.

You know there are over two million Americans behind bars?

That's a little larger than the population of Houston.

( cheering )

Every year there are enough children born in prison

to fill 250 Little League teams

Enough people are raped in prison

to fill a stadium more than three times.

Can you picture that?

Three stadiums full of people raping each other?

I know I can.

My name's John Lyshitski.

I just got out of prison.

I don't know.

Do you have anything bigger?

Yeah, that's more like it.

If I had a nickel for every time I've been incarcerated,

I'd have 15 cents.

It all started when I was eight years old.

I stole the Publishers Clearinghouse Prize Patrol van.

Thought there'd be a million bucks inside.

Where's the check? Where's the check?

Wait! Wait!

They caught me when I tried to cash the giant check.

That was the first time I met Judge Nelson Biederman,

who changed my life with the magic word...

Guilty.

You see, Johnny, the reason we have

all these rules and laws to live by

is so we can help guide all the little boys

with big dreams and a chance for a bright future

and so that we could help protect them

from worthless scum like you.

Seven years, juvenile detention.

And with that, Judge Biederman began my trip

through the justice machine.

The machine works.

It took me, a confused child,

and turned me into a for-real, no-shit felon.

Hey, hit the ground, motherfuckers,

or I'll fill you full of more holes

than the Asshole Day Parade.

There's an Asshole Day Parade?

Motherfucker-- Biederman: Guilty

Four years...

and if being a moron were a crime, Mr. Lyshitski,

you would never see the light of day again.

I got out again when I was 24.

Then that same ass wipe, Judge Biederman,

sent me back when I was 24 1/2.

Four to seven years,

and next time you steal a car, Mr. Lyshitski,

check to see if there are lights on the roof.

You like that one?

I'm out again,

and I intend to spread the pain around...

starting with His Honor himself.

Take him down piece by piece.

Kick off his dog, strangle his cat,

shit in his pillowcase, burn down his garage.

Then I'll get really creative.

Hello.

Hi, is this the Municipal Courthouse?

Great. My name is Ken...

Kennedy.

I'm calling from the Chicago Tribune.

Yes, we're doing a story down here

on some of the city's longest serving public figures,

and we would love to see Judge Nelson Biederman III

at work.

So could you tell us which times this week

that he would be on the bench?

Uh-huh.

And how long ago did you say that he died?

Three days!

Fuck!

Who's got a six-letter synonym for "deprived of"?

"Robbed."

Anybody wanna buy me a champagne drink?

How 'bout a fancy beer?

Fifteen bucks for a lap dance.

Yeah, I'm not that horny. I just got outta prison.

Holy shit. Nelson Biederman IV.

I guess when one door slams shut,

another one swings open.

Well, look out Nelly.

You're about to meet the other man

your father helped raise.

Crimes are everywhere.

They're in our parks. They're in our streets.

And they're in our schools.

That's why I need you to be part...

Where the hell are you guys?!

Why the hell do I have to be here if you don't?

Yeah, I know he was my father.

Thanks for the fucking news flash.

Don't gimme that shit, Duane.

Hello, Nelly.

I give you now the new chairman

of the Biederman Foundation

whose generosity has made this all possible--

Nelson Biederman IV.

( applause )

Want to thank you all for attending this honorarium

for my dear departed Daddy.

Now, boys and girls...

are you ready to have your minds blown?

What do you got, Nelson?

A lot of people didn't think that this neighborhood

needed a $7,000,000 original Yoko Ono.

Well, those people didn't grow up on these streets.

And maybe I didn't either,

but I am forced to drive through here

on my way to the airport, and I believe

that anything that I can do make your lives and my drive

more beautiful is worth doing.

That's why I, Nelson Biederman IV,

in honor of my late father,

officially declare Judge Nelson Biederman III Park

open.

( applause )

( retching noise )

Duane: ( on cell phone ) Biederman Foundation? Duane!

Oh! Hello? It's me--Nelson.

Who is this? Nelson!

Listen to me, Duane. That is the last time I got to one of those

goddamned events with Sergeant Barker!

Excuse me, who? Nelson: Sergeant Barker!

The dog that hates crack and stuff.

Listen to me, Duane,

I'm gonna be in the office in half an hour.

When I get there, there better be a Fresca waiting for me.

And when I say Fresca, I mean Fresca.

It better not be a Fanta

or a Sprite or a Bubble Up or a 7-Up.

I want it to be a fucking Fresca!

Do you understand me?! Yes, sir.

( dance music plays )

* Yo, come on, move this

* Shake that body

* Shake that body

* Shake that body

Oh my, look at this.

* People don't you know

* Don't you know-- by the time *

( forgets lyrics ) * Can you hear the... * Jam is pumpin'

* While you taste the piece of mine * Mine!

* Many different flavors and the spice is strong * Strong!

* Get into the hot stuff, let me pour a little on * Tone!

* Baby let me show you how to do this * ...do this.

* You've got to move this

( gasping ) * You're feelin' fine

* There's nothing to it You've gotta groove it *

( gasps ) * Come on and move this Shake that body for me *

( hyperventilating ) * People don't you know Don't you know *

* It's about time Can't you hear the jam... *

( brakes screech )

( music stops )

( gasping )

( screams )

( inhales deeply )

No! No!

( screams )

Look at this.

Old Nelson the 4th's got his pinkie caught

in the same machine his daddy threw me into.

The boys in the legal department think the best course of action

would be for you to plead guilty,

plea bargain to keep this as quiet as possible,

and step down as Chairman of the Foundation.

Well, you tell the boys in the legal department

that they are a bunch of dip shits

because I am innocent!

Well, apparently the police have a videotape of you

committing the crime.

Nelson: You or one of those other cadaverous

bag of bone a-holes sitting at that table

better strap on a goddamn piss bag,

get down here and get me outta here,

or you're all gonna be replaced.

You got it, Duane!

I'll buy this place and have it burned to the ground.

Well, should we call the governor?

He owes us one.

That would get him out. Does anybody here want him out?

( clears throat ) Okay.

( sighs ) How about this?

I will represent Nelson with the help of our Dip Shit Department.

Super!

( jail door slams )

Case Number 9741.

The State of Illinois v. Nelson Perth Biederman IV.

The honorable Judge Eva Fwae-Wun presiding.

( whispers ) Just tell 'em what you think.

Okay. Should--

Permission to approach, your honor?

Judge: What is it, Mr. Biederman?

Look, I'm gonna be frank.

Off the record...

You knew my father.

I've assembled the finest legal team that money can buy.

Those guys...

You got better things to do, I got better things to do.

We both know all I'm gonna get is a slap on the old wrist

and a formal apology and a case of champagne from the Governor.

Why don't we all just try to move this thing along

as quickly as possible.

Well, Mr. Biederman, off the record...

I am going to hurry this along,

but it's because people like you make me sick,

and I don't your Drakkar Noir stinkin' up my court room.

Prosecution, present your case!

The three scariest words in the English language...

trial by jury.

( screaming )

Juries are made of twelve people who are so dumb

they couldn't even think up an excuse

to get out of jury duty.

I'm just proud to be part of the American judicimal system.

I mean, uh, judaical.

I was so happy to be picked for jury duty.

It's like watching Court TV,

except I'm in the TV!

It's just like the boy from Willa Wonka.

Before my daddy died, he taught me one thing...

See the thumb goes away. Comes back.

Judaical system? No...

Jewidecimal System. That ain't right.

( screaming )

Mr. Hinkley?

Oh yeah?

You may proceed with your defense.

Watch this. ( laughs )

Ah, ladies and gentlemen of the jury,

you've all seen Jurassic Park, and yet you're aware that

Jeff Goldblum has never actually been attacked by dinosaurs.

Even though you've seen it with your own eyes

on a TV not unlike... that one.

( sighs ) ( murmuring )

I rest my case.

( laughs )

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,

have you reached a verdict?

Yes, we have your honor.

We the jury find the defendant

Nelson Biederman...

quilty.

Judge: You mean "guilty"?

Oh, yeah.

Well, it kinda looked like it was a Q.

Nelson Biederman, you've been found guilty

of felony assault.

I sentence you to three to five years

in the Rossmore State Correctional Facility.

( gavel strikes ) This court is adjourned.

Woo!

Fuck. Fuck...

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

( screams )

Nelson Biederman IV is gonna get beaten,

tortured, raped, psychologically abused

and raped some more by the so-called justice system.

So why am I not happy?

I feel like it's prom night

and everyone else is porking my date.

I'm gonna have a heart attack if you don't give me...

( mumbling on TV )

Hey, John, you okay?

You seem sorta... uh...

Clinically depressed.

Yeah...

I don't know, guys.

Don't you ever wonder if there's more to life

than smoking grass and watching guys get arrested

on TV?

I got some coke.

( knocks on door )

Hey, you John?

Uh, we're here to buy some pot.

Yeah, man. A friend said you'd hook us up.

Friend Ben Franklin.

Any fella worth his salt can smell undercover cops

from 20 paces.

And there's no way in hell he'd do something crazy

like sell pot to them.

Unless, he actually wanted to go to jail.

You guys should probably take off.

What for?

Those two clowns I just sold grass to are cops.

You didn't buy that whole Cheech and Chong routine, did ya?

( banging on door )

Can't believe they fell for the Cheech and Chong bit.

( more banging )

Police! Open up!

Come on, John!

I guess sometimes when fate knocks on your door,

it has a search warrant.

Man: * I'm a bad man

I'll go to jail. I'll get bunked up

with Nelson Biederman IV, and I'll make sure

he gets the full treatment.

Yep, my whole life's been leadin' up to this.

Guilty as hell.

Guilty? Now if we could discuss sentencing...

Save it, Lyshitski. How does seven to ten work for you?

Not as good as one to three. Five to seven?

I'll settle for three to five, but wait, there's more.

What's that? I wanna do my time in Rossmore.

You actually wanna go to Rossmore Penitentiary? Why?

Three words, sister. Location, location, location.

Hey.

John Lyshitski.

What's your name?

Nelson Biederman IV.

Where you headin'?

Prison.

( laughs ) Me too.

Tell you what. We should be cell mates.

I don't snore and, uh,

I'm a pretty quiet masturbator.

Hell, I'll even give you the top bunk.

Thanks.

Thanks for talking to me.

Last couple days in the holding cell,

some of these...

gang members were really giving me the cold shoulder.

It's inexcusable.

That's what I thought.

I mean, why be that way?

Welcome to your new home.

Let me start off by saying

that if any one of you is innocent

just raise your hand, and you'll be free to go.

( gasps )

That was my little joke. ( laughs )

I have a notoriously dry sense of humor.

All right, here's how it's gonna work.

If you make my life difficult, I will make your life

exponentially more painful.

If you have a complaint,

all you have to do

write it down on a piece of paper,

put it in an envelope, and stick it up your asshole.

( laughs )

If you feel that you've been treated unfairly,

write it neatly on some paper, fold it up real good,

pull your cheeks apart, and stick it up your asshole.

If you have comments or suggestions

about how I run my prison,

or let's say maybe

the cuisine is not to your liking.

Please, write a letter to my office.

Just make sure under return address,

you write the word "asshole"

so that my head guard, Mr. Shanahan,

can assist you in pulling your cheeks apart

and sticking it up your asshole.

( laughs ) Come on, that was funny.

Guard: All right, move it out!

Cell 433. I want you to sign right there.

Move off, Biederman.

Lyshitski, John Q.

Hello, Johnny, how you doing?

Rooney. No glasses. You got the surgery. ( laughs )

Yes, I did.

One Metallica t-shirt. Master of Puppets.

One money clip.

I'd like to, uh, room with Biederman.

Empty.

Cell Number 433.

Sign right there.

Can I get my old shit?

Give it to him.

So fate, with a little help from every last nickel I had,

threw me into a cell with the esteemed Nelson Biederman IV.

Today is the first day of the rest of my beautiful life.

People think they can't imagine what it feels like

to be in prison.

It's easy.

You know that bolt of fear you get when you see

a cop's flashing red lights in your rearview?

It makes you dizzy and kinda sick to your stomach.

Now imagine feeling that 24 hours a day

while you're surrounded by convicted killers

who feel the exact same way.

It would kinda put you on edge, huh?

Well, that's life in the machine.

Nobody's here to relax.

Once you're in, there's only one quick way out.

In a body bag.

Dead man rolling! Dead man rollin'.

Wait.

Well...

Be it ever so humble.

I'll just... take the top.

It doesn't seem like they clean this toilet out.

That's disgusting.

( sighs )

( sobs )

Look, amigo,

if you're gonna make it in here,

you better smarten up.

( whimpers )

Those pricks out there see you like this,

you won't make it a week.

You don't wanna die in your first week, do ya?

( crying ) No.

Right.

So you gotta trust me, do what I do.

Just keep your mouth shut, and try not to cry.

It's all right to cry.

Crying takes the sad out of you.

Crying takes the sad out of you?

Hey, that shit may have flown

back when you were a human being but you're not now.

You're a piece of meat, and you're in the grinder.

The softer you are, the more it's gonna grind you up,

and the more them animals are gonna want to eat you.

All right, you gotta toughen up.

Show me your tough face.

Show me Nelson's tough face.

Jesus, you look like you're gonna take a shit or somethin'.

Hey, John, how you doin'?

Ah, the same Lyshitski, different day.

Got some mail for you.

All right. Bit backed up. A couple weeks.

Who's the new guy?

That is Nelson Biederman IV.

He gotta take a shit or something? ( laughs )

Naw, he's trying to look like bad meat. Yeah.

Okay... ( sighs )

I guess we can order out.

So now what do we do?

Hmm?

What do you mean?

What do I mean?

I mean, what do we-- what are we supposed todo?

We're doin' it, man. This is it.

We're right in the thick of the action.

We hang out here, go to lunch, come back,

hang out some more, go to dinner.

You know how someone might describe a situation

that's unpleasant or confining as being "like a prison"?

Yeah. This is what they're referring to.

It costs $54 a day to keep a person in prison.

Which comes out to $75,000,000 a day nationally.

That's 28 billion dollars a year.

When you think about it,

wouldn't it be cheaper just to let us keep

your goddamn car stereos.

What's on the menu today, good sir?

That's meat.

That ain't meat.

Ain't meat.

Hit me with some meat.

Great American melting pot.

You know 20% of all prisoners aren't even U.S. citizens?

Ten percent are Mexican.

Two percent Columbian.

I can't tell the difference.

How do you know all this stuff, John?

I'm on a lot of weird mailing lists.

See those bad asses over there?

They're the White Kingdom.

The pretty much run the roost.

He who controls the smack controls the joint.

And by "he," I mean him.

Lynard.

Don't be fooled though. Underneath all those swastikas,

he's a real prick.

At exactly 12:15, stand up.

Why?

Just do it. It's kind of a prank.

Oh.

We used to do this sort of thing

all the time in prep school.

A couple of the boys wanted to put one over

on old Professor LaRoche. ( laughs )

At exactly the appointed minute

all the boys would ( click )

push their books down onto the floor.

Old LaRoche almost had a heart attack. Not the face!

Not the face! ( gasps )

( screams )

Break it up! Break it up!

You, fish. Who started this shit?

I don't know.

( screams )

He did it.

All right, Lynard. You're going to the hole.

Lunch is over, ladies! Hit the showers!

Move it!

That's gotta be the stupidest goddamn thing I've ever seen.

Never narc on somebody.

I mean, haven't you seem any prison movies?

You told me to.

Yeah. I didn't mean for you to tell the truth.

You're dead. And I'm probably gonna get kicked in the teeth just for talking to you.

I'm sorry.

Okay. Listen, from now on, you do exactly as I say.

Exactly. Okay?

Okay.

Just remember, Number one rule in prison...

always look out for your cell mate.

Remember, the number one rule in prison...

never trust anybody.

Of all the fears men have about prison,

loss of liberty, eating bad food,

claustrophobia, loneliness.

None of them compare to the prospect

of being fucked up the ass.

So what's a beautiful white boy like you

doin' in a place like this?

Three to five?

Soft time, huh?

Yeah, I like soft things.

You know, like, soft music.

Maybe a soft little baby duck on Easter morning.

You like little baby ducks?

Hey, back the hell off, Barry.

He's my bitch.

Hey, Lyshitski, how's it hangin'?

A little to the right, I see.

Hey!

He's my property, Dick Monster.

You guys got that?

This little filly's all mine.

You can look, but don't touch.

Juliet's asshole's got one name stenciled on it--

Mine. "Romeo."

Romeo Lyshitski. Capice, amigos?

No rear entry.

That goes for you.

That big bastard's the head of the Black G-Lords.

I don't mean to sound ungrateful, John,

but did you have to stick your finger up my ass?

Nope. Probably not.

But it happened.

You've gotta get me outta here.

Now! Before I become bitch de jour

for one of the G-Lords.

I don't care how much it costs, I want out!

Well, that's just it, Mr. Biederman.

Um, you don't have any money. What are you talking about?

I have millions.

Well, the foundation does, yes.

But, uh, legally,

you have no access to the foundation's funds

unless you were Chairman, which...

you are no longer.

My father started the Biederman Foundation.

My name is Nelson Biederman!

You can't fire me!

Actually, according to the foundation's charter,

we were required to. ( laughs )

So without foundation funds, you...

don't have dime.

Unless, you've been working a paper route on the side.

( laughs )

I'm--I'm so sorry.

Uh, that's why I brought you a...

Fresca.

After all... ( can opens )

we are a charity, so here.

Just lean in, go ahead.

Guard: No food or drinks!

Ooh!

Ouch!

I'm sorry, Mr. Biederman.

( straw gurgles )

Duane! ( door buzzes )

**

* How lucky can one guy be

* I kissed her and she kissed me *

* Like the fella once said Ain't that a kick in the head *

* The room was completely black *

* I hugged her and she hugged back *

* Like the sailor said quote Ain't that a hole in the boat *

* My head keeps spinning

* I go to sleep and keep grinning *

* If this is just the beginning *

* My life is gonna be

* Bee-yootiful

* I've sunshine enough to spread *

* It's just like the fella said *

* Tell me quick Ain't love a kick in the head *

( squeaks )

* Like the sailor said quote Ain't that a hole in the boat *

* My head keeps spinning

* I go to sleep and keep grinning *

* If this is just the beginning *

* My life is gonna be

* Bee-yootiful ( laughs )

( laughs )

* She's tellin' me we'll be wed *

* She's picked out a king-sized bed *

* I couldn't feel any better... *

Thank you for the pencil, John.

No problem. Found it in the shitter.

* Tell me quick

* Oh ain't love a kick

* Tell me quick

* Ain't love a kick

* In the head

All right, Johnny. How much?

For real.

Well, he's a really good friend of mine.

I couldn't possibly let you have him

for anything less than say, uh...

a half ounce of grass.

Four cartons of smokes.

Shit, honky please. You out your mind?

You wanna break off a piece of that white chocolate,

it's gonna cost ya.

( sighs )

Well, shit.

Your name must be Monty Hall, motherfucker,

'cause we just made a deal.

( snickers )

( whistling )

What's with the robe, John?

Uh, if you wanna keep gettin' the catalog,

you gotta order somethin' ever now and again.

Figured I'd get more use outta this than a miracle bra.

( door slams )

Lyshitski!

Garbage detail!

( whistles )

Wait, you're not gonna leave me in here by myself, are you?

I'll be back in 20 minutes.

Just remember your tough face.

Oh, spooky!

Looks like he has to take a shit.

Come on!

Hold the fort, amigo!

( exhales )

( gasps )

( struggling )

Hey, thanks Shanahan.

Don't thank me, asshole. Just pay me.

( gasps )

I'd like to apologize...

for the crassness of my associates.

I doubt very much if they've even

cracked the binding on Emily Post.

( 70's soul music begins )

Would you like some Merlot?

I make it in the toilet.

You a Pisces?

Yeah, I knew it.

How do you do it, Barry?

How do you do it?

( sighs ) So, um, what shall we drink to?

Oh, I know...

Serendipity.

What a delightful force of nature.

Serendipity.

( slurps )

( shudders )

Yummy.

Okay, Nelson...

Can I ask you a question?

( sighs ) Does my ass look big to you?

Um...

No?

Liar!

I ought to cut your stinkin' ass lying throat for lying!

I'm a cow!

I'm a big-hipped, fat, nasty,

gelatin-assed, buttermilk-makin' cow!

( exhales )

You wear it very well.

Oh...

well...

Thank ya, sweet thing.

But look here now,

don't you ever lie to Barry again, you hear me?

'Cause if you do, I'm gonna have to remove your genitals

and put 'em in a shoebox.

You understand?

Yeah, so now...

I'm gonna tell you a little secret, Nelson.

( soft music plays )

( inhales )

Boy, I go ape shit for Chuck Mangione.

But enough small talk.

( sighs )

You new here, so let me tell you how this shit go.

You see...

I own you, little Pisces.

You are my property to do with as I please.

But--but, we don't have to do everything tonight.

Hell, we got three to five.

So for now...

what's say you give Barry a little Eskimo kiss.

Eskimo kiss ain't never hurt nobody, right?

Sorry.

I can't.

Oh, baby...

Don't make me go get no shoebox now.

Come on.

Eskimo.

( exhales )

Prisoners: Eskimo!

( whistles )

( laughs )

Oh, come on now.

You didn't think Old Barry was gonna just

take advantage on the first date, did ya?

If you did...

then I guess you just don't know Barry.

No, no.

Prepare...

to be woo-ed...

by the master.

Hell yeah.

Nelson: Dear New Pen Pal, my name is Nelson Biederman IV.

I'm 30 years old, and I've been in prison for 3 months.

In this hell hole, I've had my ass kicked so many times,

my shit has footprints in it.

"But you know what?

"I think I'm going to make it.

"At least, I can rest assured it can't possibly get any worse.

"Anyway, thanks for listening. I'll have to sign off now

"as someone is pissing on me.

Your New Friend, Nelson."

That's a message from Lynard.

He gets outta the hole today.

He can't wait to see you.

Sleep tight.

I'm dead.

Not necessarily.

He might just kick your ass.

Really?

Yeah.

I mean every day.

For months or years.

Till you're dead.

Man, I'm hungry.

You wanna go grab some lunch, bud?

Dead man walkin'.

He's not gonna kill me here, is he?

Oh no. All the smart money's bet on the rec yard.

Wait, people are betting on when I'm gonna be killed?

Of course. Prison's a boring place.

They'll bet on anything.

Shanahan's the bank.

Hell, I lost four cartons of smokes on how much

one of Jesus' turds weighed.

Look, this is ridiculous.

I'm gonna go talk to Lynard.

Reason with him as one adult to another.

Apologize to him and put this entire thing behind us.

I can't see how you can go wrong.

Thanks.

Nelson: Mr. Lynard...

Mr. Lynard...

I know that we did not start under the best of circumstances,

so I just wanna say how sorry I am

for the misunderstanding--

( gasps )

Okay.

Okay.

I deserve that.

I deserve that. I--

( grunts )

Well, we're even.

I have done you wrong and...

twice you have stabbed me with forks.

So let's just try to...

put this whole thing behind us.

Carry on about this business of living.

Sure.

Sit.

Well, I should really get back to my friends--

Sit! ( gasps )

( sniffs )

It took a lot of guts to do what you did.

Nobody's ever stood up to me before.

Except my old man.

I'm sure he's a great man.

I killed him.

I'm gonna kill you the same way.

You didn't kill him with kindness, did ya?

With a hammer.

Like the Beatles song.

( giggles )

Don't scream...

( grunts lightly )

Now, give me my eating utensil back.

( gurgles )

Hey, bud, how'd it go?

Super.

All right.

So he's not gonna kill ya?

No, he is.

Just not right now.

Not here, fellas.

Thank you. Thanks for playing.

( whistles )

Hey, don't sweat it, compadre.

The way I see it is, you still got three options.

Kill yourself. You could fight him.

Or you could just let him kill you, which, honestly,

might be your best solution.

Or...

You could always move out to the boondocks.

Get a little place of your own. Private cell.

Private cell?

How do I do that?

Well, just stand right here, okay?

Hey!

Hi.

When you're already in jail and you break the rules,

you think, "What the hell are they gonna do?

Throw me in jail?"

The answer's "Yes." It's called isolation--

the hole.

In the hole, it's impossible to tell the difference

between five minutes and forever.

Your mind plays tricks on you. You get depressed.

You get disoriented. ( laughs crazily )

But most folks just suffer from extreme panic

and vivid, horrifying hallucinations.

Voice: Nelson? Nelson? ( whimpering )

Who's there?

It's me, Nelson. Sergeant Barker.

The dog that fights crack.

Please! Please open the door! ( knocking )

Had enough of yourself already?

I don't blame ya. Let's go.

How long was I in there? Two days.

Hey! Look who's back!

How are ya, killer?

Nice stubble. Very Miami Vice.

Mm. Looks good.

Looks beautiful. Looks beautiful.

How you holding up, Nelson?

I'm not gonna make it.

What do ya mean?

You're not thinkin' about doin' yourself in, are ya?

My friend, I'm all outta smack today.

But you may be in luck.

Because I've got some very nice alternatives.

Paprika.

That's right--paprika.

A mere two, three pounds of this stuff...

Boom! To the moon!

Only side effects, maybe some mild to uncontrollable shitting.

I need something that will kill me.

Oh, it's like that.

I don't condone that, my friend.

But...

pretty much any of this shit will kill ya.

Oh yeah, I got old standard drain cleaner.

Brass cleaner.

( laughs ) Eureka!

Oh yeah...

This is something called "Boat Cleaner."

I think it's used to clean boats with.

Gimme the boat cleaner.

And a needle.

Man: Take it to the hole!

Dear Pen Pal...

Well, I'm beaten.

It's all over for me.

I have to do whatever I have to do

to get away from the evil soulless douche bags

who populate this filth-infested shit hole.

"I dream about lining up the ass wipes

"who run this place and cutting off their dicks.

"Pardon my fucking French, I guess they win.

"They've made me into one of them.

"From one vicious motherfucker to another,

"good luck with the rest of the second grade and stay free.

Your Pal in the Pen, Nelson."

I'm sorry I missed your letter, Billy.

( laughs ) Okay...

Jane, you're next.

Aw. Hey, Nelson. I'm gonna take a quick walk.

See ya later.

( clears throat )

You know...

It's times like this

when I think about somethin' my dad once said to me.

He said, "Oh, God, please don't kill me

with the hammer, Lynard, please. Oh! Oh!" ( giggles )

Hey, I don't need any help here.

Back off or you're next.

You're not part coon, are ya?

I'd have a lot more fun doin' this if you were part coon.

Sorry, no coon.

Mostly Dutch.

Well...uh...

I'm gonna kick ya in the face anyway, I guess.

( screams )

Ah! ( grunting )

( cheering )

Ah!

Ring around the rosy.

( gasps )

( grunts )

( cracking sound )

Well, hee-haw.

What have we here? That's mine.

You're holdin' out on your old pal, Lynard.

No, Lynard it's--

It's--it's not that,

it's...my last fix.

Please. Kill me if you want, Lynard,

but please don't make me face it sober.

Screw yourself, dickhead.

You don't need this where you're goin'.

I'm begging you...

( tongue noises )

Don't do it.

( grunts )

( sighs ) Don't throw me into the briar patch.

Do what?

If you weren't such a white supremacist asshole,

you would have read up on your Uncle Remus.

( breathes heavily )

( gasps )

I did what I had to do.

You heard the man.

Back up, boys.

Well, that was pretty goddamn weird.

You know, you're gonna get another 20 years for that.

For what? I didn't do anything.

Shot himself up.

Got the needle right here. ( laughs )

( exhales )

So the plot fucking thickens.

What did you say?

Hmm?

Nothing.

Did I say that out loud?

( prisoners talking )

( talking stops abruptly )

Oh shit, John.

They're all staring at me. What do I do?

Just play it cool, amigo.

Hey, I got somethin' for you!

No, man, I don't want any Biederman action.

What do you want?

Well, I just wanted to say, "I owe you one."

Lynard was the kind of dickhead who gives Nazis a bad name.

So, anyway...

from now on, White Kingdom's got your back.

All: Yeah, brother.

White Kingdom! Skinheads: White Kingdom!

What the hell is going on?

I think you're tippy-top dog now.

That's ridiculous, no one's scared of me.

Well, let's see.

Yo, cueball.

Your fat ass is stinking up Biederman's seat.

Pop up.

Look, I don't want no trouble.

Well, that's good to hear you, uh...

( whispers ) Pussy. Pussy.

So, are you gonna move, or do my friends have to move you for me?

Good.

Because I don't take no crap from no...

Lucien Freud-looking pussies like you.

Wow. Really, really can't believe that worked.

( door opens )

( sultry saxophone music )

Barry: Of all the bathroom stalls

in all the correctional facilities

in all the world...

He walks into mine.

Haven't you heard the news, Barry?

The news?

Oh yeah.

Barry finally pitches. Pisces catches.

Home team wins.

( laughs )

Don't even think about it, Barry.

( grunts )

That hurt, Nelson.

Not physically.

But I thought we gotten past this point in our relationship.

What are you talking about?

Well, over the last few months,

I've started to like you a lot.

Grown accustomed to your face if you will.

Thought you felt the same way.

But I see now...

I've been livin' in a fool's paradise.

Look, I should really get back to--

( gasps )

Uh-huh! Uh-huh!

Is this how you treat someone you love?

Choking them in a men's room?!

No...

I don't know.

Maybe. ( chokes )

Aw, shit! ( gasps for breath )

Barry: Maybe I was...

Thinking you'd forget all about me if...

you wasn't scared I was gonna cut your nuts off.

( spits )

Maybe behind the facade, there's just a scared little boy

who didn't never get enough love.

( gulps )

( gasps )

Look, Barry...

I--I never--

Oh, just leave me alone!

( sighs )

( whispers ) Go to him.

Go to him.

( exhales ) Barry...

Barry?

Pisces.

Mmm...

Get him!

Kick his ass!

( grunting and shouting )

Stop!

Did he touch you, Boss? We'll gut him right here.

Yes, he touched me. ( fart sound )

Oh, sorry. That was me.

Keep goin'.

But not like that.

I've giving him a pass this time.

What...

are you ladies up to?!

You! Lyshitski!

In the hole!

Are you kiddin' me?

I didn't even do anything.

They're over there, I'm over here.

Don't you have eyes?

In the hole!

The system is one shifty prick.

You dodge right, it shifts left.

You think you're on top of it, suddenly you're underneath it.

The ass end of a punch line.

During my retreat, Nelson had become king of the crapper,

and nobody seemed to flinch.

( exhaling and inhaling )

Just the opposite.

They're eating up his fancy ass rich boy act

like it was Ben and Jerry's Heroin Chunk.

Nelson: So, at exactly the appointed minute

when Old LaRoche's back is turned,

all the boys shoved their books onto the floor!

( all laugh )

Old LaRoche almost had a heart attack!

He didn't know what hit him!

Can't wait to see your grand premiere, baby.

From the tippity, cocksuckers!

Five, six, seven, eight!

** ( piano music )

* There's nothin' to it

* You gotta move this

* Come on and move this

* Shake that body for me

( whispers ) Go, John. Go, John.

* Me-eeeee ( whistles )

Phillip's head.

Hey, John. Hey.

( clears throat ) Didn't see you there.

Hmm. ( sighs )

It's good to see ya. Yeah...

You know, I've been meaning to talk to you about something.

What's that? Remember when I first got in here?

( laughs ) I had the balls of a souffle, I'll be honest with you.

But you changed that, John, you really did. Did I?

Yeah. I owe everything that I am today to you, John. I really do.

I mean, you gave me my self-esteem back.

I've got the love of a man. Good.

All the things that you could want, I found myself.

I just feel like I really wanna give you something, John. Perfect.

I do. Yeah...

Can I get you some cigarettes? No, I'm good.

What about porn? Cigarettes and porn? No. I'm good.

( sighs )

John, you're the greatest.

I wanna say from the bottom of my heart... Yeah?

Thank you. Okay.

Hey, have some tea. Hey, thanks.

Made it for ya. Okay.

All right. Have fun.

Come on!

( shouts )

How did this happen?

A few months ago, I had his balls in a vice.

Now, with his parole hearing just around the bend,

it looks like he might be taking his balls

and going home.

( 70's soul music plays )

Hold still.

Gotta look good for the Board.

There you go.

Wanna go out tonight?

Me and some of the guys were thinkin' about going down to the laundry room,

drinking some toilet wine, and beatin' up some of the new guys.

Or we could just stay in...

drink toilet wine here.

( sighs ) We never go out anymore.

Well...

I gotta hand it to ya, buddy.

You're a bigger man than I thought you were.

They beat ya up.

They robbed you of your dignity.

They pissed in your food.

But they didn't break ya.

With the revolving door policy of today's prison system,

you're probably gonna get paroled tomorrow.

They pissed in my food?

Ah, what difference does it make?

You're gettin' out tomorrow.

And I'm proud of ya.

Really? Really.

In fact, I snuck ya in a going away present.

Good luck at your hearing.

I'll see ya in one to three.

Thank ya, John. Okay.

Couldn't have made it in here without your help.

( laughs )

( sighs )

Why's it already opened?

I opened it for you.

What for?

'Cause I'm a great guy.

And I know you had a real tough day.

You don't trust me?

After all we've been through?

One friend can't give another friend a soda

with that friend thinking the second friend

put a roofie in it?

Wow. Well, that hurts, pal.

That hurts.

I've been looking out for you for almost a year now.

And then I bust my nuts getting you this goddamn fruity soda,

and you think I'm up to something?

Well, screw you, pal.

I thought we were friends.

I'm sorry, John.

God, this place has really done a number on me.

It has.

We are friends.

In fact, you might be the best friend I've ever had.

That's it. Get it all.

Go for it. Oh...

Ahh!

The taste of freedom!

Oh, John, what would this world be like without fr--

( retches )

All right, maestro.

Come on, let's get him out of here.

We got to put his new face on.

Wake up, Biederman!

Parole Board's waiting. Let's--

Let's go.

So, Mr. Biederman,

do you feel you're ready to reenter society?

Absolutely.

Prison's made me a new man.

When I get out of here,

I intend to stand up for what I know is right.

When the Parole Board gets through with Der Fuhrer,

two things are going to happen--

one--they're going to file his early release form

right in between Charles Manson and the Unabomber's...

and two--Nelson's going to be pissed as hell...

at me.

( grunts )

Why'd you do it, John?!

Amigo, I did it for your own good.

Now, hear me out on this, all right?

Listen, you gotta sandbag

your first parole hearing because--

Okay, you wanna know why?

I knew your dad.

What?!

Yeah, the judge--

the man who made me who I am today,

the same man who's going to kill you right now.

What would you call that?

I call that pretty crazy, isn't it?

No, it's ironic.

The word you want is "ironic"!

Aah!

All right, cut the shit! ( door buzzes )

Cut the shit! Now! Now! Right now!

( Taser zapping ) Up against the wall!

Up! Up! Up! Get up!

( groans ) Get up!

You two pussies gonna have a cage match,

and I don't even get an invitation?

Wow, that's selfish.

That's selfish, huh?

'Cause, goddammit, I want a front row seat

to that cat fight!

You two want to kill each other? Great.

Stupendous.

Save everyone around here the hassle.

But this is my prison.

I schedule the extracurricular activities.

And if you two are going to fight...

I need some time to get some action going.

So how's, um...

How's Friday sound, huh?

Friday good? Say, rec yard?

Fight to the death?

Huh?

Does that work for you two dickheads?

( Taser zapping ) ( groaning )

Sounds like a yes to me.

Huh? Sounds like a yes.

Wait.

What do I win if I win?

Well, if you lose, you die.

If you win, you die.

The difference is I kill the winner.

It'll be quick.

In one year I've proven that the machine can warp

a law-abiding spineless sack of shit like Biederman

into a totally violent, psychopathic,

and lethal sack of shit.

The only flaw in my plan was...

now I'm locked in a cage with him.

Friday, the yard, John versus Nelson,

fight to the death.

Yeah, fight's gonna take place on the cistern

Uh-huh? That's awesome!

Hey, how much does brain damage pay?

Man on radio: Brain damage? I don't know.

You gotta ask Shanahan. He's taking the bets.

I'll put two cartons

on Ritchie Rich taking Lyshitski down.

And this, too, fool.

Brain damage, three to two.

Ear bit off, even money.

Ear cut off, seven to five.

Damn, you cover all that action?

Sure, only took me a second to get the cash...

a second mortgage.

( all laugh )

( whistles )

Biederman, you got a visitor!

( grunts ) ( Taser zaps )

( groans )

You're really getting liberal with the Taser.

Congratulations, Barry.

I'm glad they let you out.

Parole Board say I seem like a new man.

I told 'em it was all because of you.

Baby...

You the Ashford to my Simpson...

( weeping ) the Peaches to my Herb...

the Shields to my Yarnell.

Shh...

Barry, you should be happy.

( blows nose )

Barry, you're free.

You know I can't be happy without you, baby.

I was just thinking about going postal

over at the Popeye's Chicken

so I can get locked back up in here

with my sweet little Pisces.

I gotta get you out.

That's very kind of you, Barry,

but you've got to listen to me.

The only way that I'm getting out of here is in a body bag.

There better be a body bag for two, goddammit.

'Cause I wanna be sewn right in there with your ass.

That's very sweet, Barry.

I wish there was something I could do for you.

You're the closest thing to family I've ever had.

Family...

Actually, Barry, there is something I can do for you.

Dammit.

Dammit! ( intercom beeps )

Woman: Mr. Hinkley, you have a telephone callon line one,

and there's a gentleman here to see you.

He doesn't have an appointment.

Well, tell him to wait.

Yello.

Nelson: Hello, Dwayne.

Nelson, is that you?

You allowed to make phone calls now?

Only to my lawyer.

I want out. Now.

I'm sorry, sir. There's nothing we can do.

Our hands are tied.

Hmm, well, in that case I'll just have to turn

control of the Foundation over to my son.

And in accordance with the Foundation's charter,

he'll be the one running things for me until I'm out.

I'm sorry, did you say, "your son"?

Oh, I adopted a young man I met in prison.

He's out now.

Everything's nice and legal, Duane.

I think you'll enjoy working for him.

He's a real sweetheart.

( banging on door )

( door opens )

What the hell you doing in my office, bitch?

Mr. Shanahan.

Sir.

If you have knowledge of anything untoward happening

amongst the inmate population,

I will not hesitate to put your ass in a grinder!

Oh, oh... ( clears throat )

Uh...

( sighs )

Aw, I'm just tugging your nuts.

( laughing )

Give me 50 bucks on that preppy asshole.

Oh, Warden, that is my sense of humor,

right there, Warden.

( inmates shouting )

All right! You boys know the rules.

Whoever dies first...loses.

Inmates: Nelson! Nelson! Nelson...!

Inmate: Get your ass up there! Get him!

Laotian style.

Yeah? I like Cambodian rules.

Wow, that is so cool.

I saw a dress made out of credit cards

in Vanity Fair a couple years ago.

that's what gave me the idea.

I like it. I got one for you.

( groaning ) Aah, what is that?!

Industrial disinfectant.

They got a shitload in the workroom.

See you in Hell, Lyshitski!

You bet, bud.

( grunting )

Don't do it, John.

I won't if you won't.

You know, you taught me a lot of things, John...

but the most important thing you taught me...

Never trust anybody.

Woo!

( crowd chattering )

All right, ladies, we're on lockdown!

Watch your back! Move your ass!

Dead.

All right.

Get them out of here before they start stinking.

Duane: Here's the rest of the necessary paperwork.

As Mr. Biederman's only heir,

you're entitled to the entire trust.

Well, money can't fix a broken heart.

Okay, well, it's $8,000,000.

Oh, well, I guess that will take out

a little of the sting.

( gasping )

The only way I'm getting out of here is in a body bag.

Pigeon saliva, mixed with bat guano,

and tar as an emulsifier.

It won't kill you, my friend,

but it'll put you in a stupor.

More of a coma really.

Up to three days.

Trust me, that'll do the trick.

What took you so long?

Hey, come on, give me a break.

I had to wait for all those white people to leave.

All right.

Let's go.

Hey, wait a minute, now.

A deal's a deal.

Uh, if you lose, you die.

If you win, you die.

The difference is I kill the winner.

It'll be quick.

We're fucked. We gotta work together.

Okay, but don't fuck me on this one.

Yeah, trust me. That'll do the trick.

Thanks, amigo.

Well, hold on now, baby duck.

There is such a thing as karma.

We don't wanna get on the wrong side of that.

We've got the rest of our lives to live.

I don't think so.

Hey, wait a minute, now.

If it wasn't for this asshole,

we would've never met.

Oh, thank god.

I gotta drop a deuce like no one's business.

All right, so that's it, John.

We're even. All right?

Let's go, Barry.

( coughs )

You know, there aren't a shit load of prison stories

you'd wanna tell your grandkids,

but this one definitely falls into that category.

Hey, you think I could grab a ride from you guys?

( laughs )

Can you believe this guy?

( sighs )

( birds twittering ) ( classical music playing )

Well, Barry and I are big fans of Wine Aficionado Magazine,

and I have to confess

that we are very eager to hear your opinion.

Be careful what you wish for, gentlemen.

Mmm, that first sniff unlocks the door.

Oh, and that second sniff invites you in,

sits you down, and gives you a foot massage.

Watch yourself.

What is it that I detect?

A trace of ammonia

or some other source of disinfectant?

No, it's...ammonia.

I see. Well, then, I'm done with it.

You haven't even tasted it yet.

Precisely.

Well, at least let us introduce you to our head vintner

He came up with--

Gentlemen, I don't need to taste your wine

nor meet your head vintner

to confidently proclaim

that this wine is a piece of sh--

John: A little piece of heaven?

Ken Kennedy, head vintner.

See, we're a family here.

And our grapes are part of that family.

And they know that we'd do anything for them.

For instance, if some outsider,

say some shit-eating fruit fly

were to come in here and mess with them in any way whatsoever,

we--by we I mean me and my brothers over there...

would stop at nothing to protect them.

And they know that.

( pats him ) So that is why

is why I think you're gonna score Baby Duck One

100 out of 100 on your next review.

Because you can taste the love in every sip.

Okay.

Yes, I--of course. 100 it is.

Did you hear that?

Barry: Drink up, bitches.

Ugh. ( all gagging )

( gags )

God damn, is that sweet.

( dance music playing )

( singing along ) * Yo, come on, move this

* Shake that body

* That body

* Shake that body

* That body

* Shake that body

* That body

* Shake that body

* That body

* People don't you know

* Don't you know it's about time *

* Can you hear the jam is pumpin' *

* While you taste the piece of mine * * piece of mine!

* Many different flavors and the spice is strong * Strong!

* Get into the hot stuff, let me pour a little on * * Pour a little on

* Baby let me show you how to do this * * How to do this.

* You've got to move this

* You're feelin' fine

* There's nothing to it You've gotta groove it *

* Come on and move this Shake that body for me *

* People don't you know

* Don't you know It's about time *

* Can't you hear the jam is pumpin' *

* While you taste a piece of mine * * Piece of mine

* Many different flavors

* And the bass is strong * And the beat is strong

* Get into the hot stuff

* Let me pour a little on

Come on, John.

* Baby, let me show you how to do this *

* You've gotta move this

* You're feelin' fine

* There's nothing to it

* You've gotta groove this

* Come on and move this

* Shake that body for me

* Shake that body for me

* ba ba da, ba ba da... *

* Shake that body for me

* People, don't you know

* Don't you know it's about time *

* Can't you hear the jam is pumpin' *

* While you taste a piece of mine * * Mine

* Can't you feel the mellow crawling fast *

* Drum oh, baby, rhythms blast *

* Pump it, pump it, pump it up * * Pump it up

* Bet you can't make this one stop *

( mimics scratching )

* You've gotta move this

* Ba ba da

* You've gotta move this

* Oh, yeah

* You've gotta move this

* Grove this to move this

* Oh, shake that body for me

* Baby, let me show you how

* To do this John, isn't it great?

* Move this

* You've gotta move that Shake that body for me, Johnny.

* You gotta move

Come on, Lyshitski.

* Move this, groove it

* Shake that body for me

( music fades )

Barry: Ahh... ( soul music playing )

* You look so good

* I wanna take a shower with you *

( rubber duck squeaks )

* Take a shower with you

* You look so sweet

* I wanna take a shower with you *

* Take a shower with you

( duck squeaks )

* So sweet

* So sweet

* I wanna take a shower with you *

( scatting )

* You

( scatting )

* Take a shower with you

* I'm a bad man

( funk music playing )

( scatting )

* So I'm a bad man

( scatting )

* I'm a bad man

( scatting )

* Give it to me

* Give it to me, now

* Give it to me, uh, give it to me *

* Uh, uh, give it to me

( scats ) * Give it to me

* Give it to me

* So...

( scatting )

* Give--give it to--

* I'm a bad man

( classical strings playing )

( music fades )