Original subtitles

Tyrannis: Hey. Thanks again for the hogs.

We go through them so fast,

and you never have a hog when you need one.

Asskill: Well, I'm happy to help out.

If I've got a spare hog lying around, it's yours.

Tyrannis: Oh, and, um, also, thank you for not eating me.

I don't say that enough.

Oh, come on! I'd never eat you.

-You're all bone. -I appreciate that.

Ooh! Caravan!

We don't get many travelers through here,

and we certainly don't get many pretty lady travelers.

[Horse neighs]

Hello there. Welcome to the area,

or as I like to call it... the area.

I'm sorry. I thought something would come to me.

Anyway, what brings you h-here?

I'm Sophie, these are my guys. We're mapmakers.

Map...makers.

Have you not heard of maps? They're the next big thing.

They help you find where you're going.

Like, if you needed to get from here to Thebes,

how would you do that?

Well, I'd ask our finder. We have this guy Casey.

His whole job is just knowing how to get places.

He's not that great, though,

unless you're looking for a brothel.

Oh, we have a great finder-Loretta.

Every city has a finder.

Well, every city's finder is about to kill themselves

because this is a map.

See? It shows mountains, rivers, paths,

and of course all the important cities.

And there we are. We're an important city!

I'm an important king! Oh, shame.

Looks like Killassas didn't make it this time.

I understand, but they've come so far.

-Oh, Killassas is on there. -That's not Krapopolis?

No. Krapopolis isn't on the map.

And Killassas is?! It's barely a city!

No offense.

Hey. I'm selling these things. To get on the map,

a city has to have something a traveler's gonna care about.

We're a democracy!

They're a city of cannibals!

Again, no offense.

It's the "no offense" that's starting to bug me.

City of cannibals is exactly the kind of thing

a traveler wants on the map so they can steer clear.

What about your city is as useful to know

as "They eat people here"?

We have a very nice place to poo.

Everywhere has a nice place to poo.

Do you have a restaurant?

-We could. -Tell you what.

We're coming back around in a few days.

If you've got a decent restaurant by then,

I'll put you on the map.

-Restaurant. -Hey. could you take

our city off the map?

-Travelers are 60% of our diet. -Oh, I don't know.

Travelers really should be warned about-

please remove us, or we'll eat you.

Will do!

Singers: ? Huh huh huh huh

? Huh huh huh whoo

It's called a map,

and it shows where everything is.

Casey's gonna kill himself.

That's the least of our problems.

I didn't mean that, Casey. We'll find you another job.

Casey: Ohh.

Why is it the least of our problems?

Because it shows every significant city

in the modern world

with the notable exception of mine.

You mean ours.

Deliria: I don't think mortals should know

where things are.

It's more fun to watch them wander.

The cities who don't get on this thing are

going to be left in the dust.

I have to be on it!

-We. -Look Kissuria's a city

you can't even get to, and it's on the map.

Wait, that's where Kissuria is?

Past the Ice Mountains of Death all the way

on the other side of the Uncrossable Chasm?

I always thought it was reachable.

Well, now you know it's not,

but what you don't know, looking at this map,

is that my city exists.

-Our city. -And that's why we're

opening a restaurant.

Deliria: A restaurant?

The thing where humans go to eat

as if they're worth serving food to?

I wouldn't be caught dead in a restaurant.

Shlub: I've been caught dead in several.

Tyrannis: Well, we need a restaurant to get on the map,

and Hippo's gonna be our chef.

Hippocampus: Me?! I'm not cooking for people!

Oh, I forgot. You only care about yourself.

Correct.

Why did I think that would work?

Come on! For once in your life,

do something for the good of the city.

Oh. The city you can't stop calling your city?

What is there, some girl,

some girl you're trying to impress?

If you're not going to cook simply

to make other people happy,

how about I appeal to your ego?

What if someone could be the best at cooking?

Well, obviously, it would be me.

-Prove it. -I will!

And I know you just played me,

but well played because I am completely in.

Guess we've got ourselves a restaurant.

I guess we have.

[Cheering]

Stupendous: What the hell is this?

Spike, what is this?

Spike: They saw the damn map.

They're celebrating because those baby-eating bastards

from Kissuria can't invade us.

End of an era, huh?

All my life, I've been preparing to be invaded

by the Kissurians.

I was raised on stories about those animals,

how they eat babies, how they chop off your fingers

one by one and feed them to your baby

and then still eat the baby.

Don't forget the butt sewing.

The most twisted, vile battlefield torture

ever conceived- sewing your butt closed

and then force feeding you till you explode?

Hey, guys! We don't need our butt guards anymore.

Throw them on the fire!

[Cheering]

Stupendous: Look at them, goofing around,

not a care in the world.

I can't let that happen to me.

I am keeping this butt guard and these finger holders

until I have properly killed those Kissurian bastards

on a field of battle!

Spike: Hell, yeah! I'm in!

Let's go kick some ass!

Hello, and welcome to Ty's Man Woman Table Chairs Food.

Catchy name.

Have you eaten in a restaurant before?

We've never eaten indoors before.

Well, you're in for a treat.

Let me tell you how it works.

You order food, we cook it.

It's really that simple.

-Do we have to kill it? -Nope.

-Gut it? -Nope.

Skin it, bleed it, make it into chunks?

Nope! We do all that for you.

Should be called Ty's Kill Gut Skin Bleed

Man Woman Table Chairs Food Chunks Eat.

We will certainly take a look at that.

So I can order anything?

No. I should have been more specific.

You can order any amount of one thing,

and that thing is chicken,

and the amount can't be too much.

Great. We'll have one.

Hippo, we've got our first customers,

and they will have one delicious chicken.

Chicken is child's play. Every cook can make chicken.

I'm making octopus.

Octopus? Humans don't eat octopus.

You should. All they talk about is eating you.

OK. Noted.

Seriously, they have 17 different words

for human meat.

They're crossbreeding themselves to become giant.

Point taken, but this is just supposed to be

a simple, functioning restaurant.

Wrong! It's a test of my genius.

I tenderized this thing precisely

for the best mouthfeel.

I seared it the perfect amount for caramelizing,

and here-lemon juice.

Enhances the flavor.

This is scientifically delicious.

Taste.

Oh! Oh, Hippo. You're a genius.

I just said that.

What is that thing your eyes are doing?

Showing pleasure?

Yeah, but why does it feel good to me?

Because there's a simple joy in making people happy?

That can't be it. Wait a minute.

The satisfaction of the eater is how I can measure

my greatness!

You think the people out there will make the same face?

Mmm! Oh, my God.

Mmm!

Feels good, right?

Feels great! Let's go, people.

Fire up the grill!

I got an idea for a new oyster dish!

Do they hate humans, too?

Hmm. Let me think.

Do you steal their jewelry?

All right! Let's start shucking!

Hi. Welcome to Ty's Man Woman

Table Chairs Food.

Man: The branding is all wrong, but the food.

Woman: He does a thing with octopus.

Trust me.

You need to put octopus on the sign.

Tyrannis: Can I be in charge of the name, please?

Wait. They kill it and gut it, too?

Yeah. The sign is very misleading.

Hippocampus: More turmeric.

Getting there.

Start over!

Chef, I made this chicken.

Be honest. What do you think?

What is it? Boiled?

And you didn't even pluck it!

Casey, you're fired.

Please. I can't lose another job.

Then stay, but don't touch anything.

Tyrannis: Hello, hello, hello.

Great business out there.

How's it going back here?

Ty, I'm crushing this.

It's like with science

I make something, and it's done,

but with food, what I'm making is deliciousness,

and there's no upper limit to that,

or if there is, I intend to find it.

That's why we do it!

So anyway, table 8 would like the octopus dish

-from yesterday. -No, no, no.

The octopus dish from yesterday won't enthrall them

like it did yesterday.

I'm sure they'll be fine with it.

I just told you I'm not working for fine.

I'm working for better than anything,

and better than anything keeps getting redefined

every time I cook.

I worry that redefining greatness is getting away

from the original mission.

We only need a functioning restaurant

-to get on the map. -Tut, tut, tut.

Mmm!

They will get their food, they will make the face,

I will be the best, you will be happy.

OK. Just don't take too long to cook the food.

These people will eat worms.

And if they do, they will be the greatest,

most exquisitely prepared worms anyone has ever tasted.

I don't doubt that.

Bard: ? And Deliria's ass is the finest ass ?

? That the world has ever seen

? You could bounce a coin off a perfect little tushy ?

Darling, have you heard? Hippo is quite the chef.

The line at the restaurant reaches all around the block.

In other news, we have blocks now.

Interesting, but I already said

I had no interest.

I'm on record.

? She already said she could not care less ?

? But now she's curious about it ?

[Screech]

Ow! Why a cat?! You know I'm allergic.

This is over the top!

There has to be a give and take.

Haven't I earned that?

Now I'm all the way outside,

and both of my hands are cats? Why?!

[Cats yowling]

What if we went to the restaurant

but not as ourselves?

Shlub: I'm always up for some roleplay.

Ooh. look at us.

[Exaggerated voice] I'm Cato, a potter.

[Exaggerated voice] And I'm Dolores, a milkmaid.

And we're not married

Ooh. We're playing with fire, aren't we?

Ooh! If my husband were to find out.

Would he fly into a violent rage?

We're gonna have to try less sexy disguises,

or we'll never make it to the restaurant.

[Grunting]

Aah!

Unh!

Aah! Oof!

[Both grunt]

[Spike groans]

Stupendous: No!

[Grunting]

Huh?

This is the Uncrossable Chasm?

It's way more uncrossable than I thought.

Damn it!

Man: Damn it!

Wait. Are you an echo or a person?

Man: Wait. Are you an echo or a person?

No, wait. You go first.

Man: No, I want to go first.

That's what I-hey!

I am Babak of the Kissurian people.

I am Stupendous of Krapopolis.

-We got maps. -So did we.

I came here to kick your ass!

Same. I had hoped the Uncrossable Chasm

was a hyperbolic nickname.

Me, too. Like the Bottomless Lake.

No, I have been there. That thing is bottomless.

Huh. Well, I'm not leaving without kicking your ass.

Ohh-

-We should build a bridge. -Agreed,

and this is not gonna be one of those things

where we realize we work better together.

Absolutely not.

Once the bridge is built, you die.

Tyrannis: Oh, wow! The joint is jumping.

Welcome to Ty's Man Woman Table Chairs

Different Types of Food.

There's just a bit of a wait.

Should be called Ty's Man Woman Wait Table Chairs Diff-

Can I be in charge of the name, please?

Fine. Oh, there's some lady

back there who says she's a mapmaker.

She's here? Sophie, welcome to my restaurant.

Is it even a restaurant? So far, it's just a line.

It's a restaurant!

We're just working out a few kinks.

You're gonna love it, though.

I'll be the judge of that, though.

? Love our playful banter

Just want food.

[Grunting]

-Aah! -Arrr!

I will remove your head and parade it around my city!

I'll put your corpse on a pole

and use strings to move your arms and mouth

and make it seem like you're saying bad things.

Like what?

Like "Hi. I'm Babak, and I eat babies."

[Grunting]

Why would I eat babies?

You Krapopolites are the baby eaters.

That's a lie! We fight with honor.

I love that sword!

-[Screaming] -[Grunting]

You're the ones who sew people's butts closed like cowards.

We did that one or two times as a joke.

Meanwhile, you people do nothing but suck out

your enemies' eyeballs and feed them to your babies.

Stupendous: I strongly reprimanded the soldier

-who did that. -Aah!

-Wait, wait. -What?

You want to kiss me before I kill you?

That ain't happening.

No. Why would I want to kiss you?

It happens more often than you think.

Sometimes, signals get crossed in the brain.

No. I-I can see that.

No. The reason I said wait is

does anyone know you're here?

-No. -Look.

You're gonna kill me, which is fine.

I accept that.

Then I fall into the Uncrossable Chasm,

so I die down there, but I got your leg pretty good.

You won't make it back across those mountains.

You die on an ice shelf somewhere,

and then what are we?

A couple of dead fools who died in a place

no one's ever gonna go to.

Frigging maps. Get up here!

It was gonna be so cool watching you

fall all that way.

I would have screamed all the way down for you.

Aaaaaaaaah!

[Trailing off]

Don't rub it in.

We can do this.

We just have to come up with the most

unsexy personas imaginable.

Let's try this.

[Exaggerated voice] I'm Sol, a plain old man.

I'm married to my job, which is counting beans.

[Exaggerated voice] And I'm Helen.

I have severe body odor and a stump for a leg.

[Normal voice] How big of a stump?

[Exaggerated voice] Why don't you find out, Mr. Bean Counter?

[Moaning]

[Exaggerated voice] I'm an absolute douchebag

named Money Man with disgustingly long toenails.

[Normal voice] Ohh! My top 3 weaknesses.

[Moaning]

-I'm a jellyfish. -I'm dead.

How dead? No wrong answers.

[Moaning]

Well, I'm beginning to think that we may

never taste Hippo's food.

Oh, roleplay is simply too stimulating.

I may just have to swallow my pride and go as myself.

Bard: ? She's swallowing her pride because ?

? The roleplay was too sexy

Who said you could watch, not sing.

Hippo, she's here, the map lady.

We need to get moving. Hippo?

He's been like this for an hour.

Brother, brother, what's going on here?

I'm just trying to figure out a bay leaf.

Hippo, no. Bay leaves are already figured out.

They're leaves of bay.

Chef, table 6 is still waiting on the salmon.

-Is it ready? -Is it ready?

Let's find out.

No. It's Average.

Average is good, and good is torture.

Then torture yourself!

Fine. Casey, get the salmon out

of the garbage and serve it up.

Is it OK if there's a couple bites missing?

Hello again, and welcome to Ty's, just Ty's.

Your server then explains the concept

once you've sat down.

-I like the name. -You're the first one.

Look at that. Even gods eat here.

Tell me, son, is this one of those places

with peanut shells on the floor?

It could be. Excellent because

on the floor in my scat are peanut shells.

I could come back.

It seems like you're still working out the kinks.

No, no, no. Don't leave.

I'll seat you in just a second.

Mum, Dad, do not turn this into a place

where people don't want to eat.

Hippocampus: Why not? Couldn't get any worse.

He's got me cooking crap chickens for crap people.

I thought you were cooking food worthy of a god.

I was getting there, but he stopped me.

Screw him. Make me something that would blow my mind.

I will!

Can I just have a piece of chicken?

I'm so hungry. I skipped breakfast.

No. No one eats until I have pleased this customer.

Tyrannis: Mother, can I ask you the biggest of favors?

Could you just quickly tell Hippo that he's

blown your mind, and be sure to

roll your eyes back in your head.

He likes that.

If he blows my mind, I'll let him know.

[Sizzling]

Hmm. Interesting.

Not the best thing you ever had?

Of course not.

[Hippocampus sighs]

[Sizzling]

It's good for humans or dogs.

I can't remember who eats better.

Hmm. Pleasant.

Pleasant is the baseline!

Hippo, the map lady, she's gonna leave.

Sophie: Thinking about it.

It's...quite good for what it is.

Hippo, take the win.

I can't. I can't do it!

I'm a fraud! I'm an absolute fraud!

Why did I ever think I could be the best at cooking?

-Mmm! -Mmm!

Ha ha ha!

Everyone, out!

A delight from start to finish! We'll dine again!

I said out! Get out!

Rah!

[People shouting]

I think I've seen what I need to see.

Hippocampus: Aah!

Tyrannis: Thank you for dining at Ty's

Walk In Sit Down Don't Eat Run Away.

I hate the mapped world.

It used to be you'd go off on an adventure.

You wouldn't know what you'd find

or who you'd have to kill.

Yeah, used to be anyone could show up

at your doorstep, anyone?

My whole army was driven by the possibility

of your invasion.

-Us, too. -That's why I came here.

What I really wanted to fight was that map,

but I guess the map won.

Wait, but now the map is wrong.

This is supposed to be the Uncrossable Chasm,

but now it's covered

by the Dangerous but Doable Bridge.

You go home and tell your people that map is wrong.

Tell them we're coming,

and our babies are hungry for eyeballs.

-Ha ha ha! -Ha ha ha!

[Babak grunts]

Wait. You think we have enough battle scars?

It's got to be realistic.

Oh, right. You want to just take this eyeball?

-Sure. -You want to sew my butt shut?

I'd like that. I'd like that very much.

[Sobbing]

-You did this to me. -I did?

You let me believe that cooking

could be scientifically measurable.

That's because I couldn't get you to just cook

for the sheer pleasure of doing something

for someone else.

Altruism? There's no such thing.

Helping other people is always self-serving.

I built this city for other people,

and I wanted a restaurant for the good of the people.

Oh, a restaurant called Ty's, where I did all the work?

Branding was important!

You didn't build this city to help people, Ty.

You built it to be the guy who helped people.

The city was my penis, wasn't it?

-What?! -No.

I was just saying it's an extension of my ego.

Then say that.

Well, forgive me for being poetic.

Casey: Hey, guys. What's so wrong

about helping people for the sake of your own ego?

-Huh? -I mean, you made a city

to get kudos, and you cooked

for the good eye rolls,

but either way, you guys gave me a job,

and I was on the verge of ending it all in a brothel.

I'm just saying good did come out of this,

whether or not it's why you did it.

How do you like the sound

of Casey's Man Woman Eat Chicken Table?

Thanks for coming back. So was that the best

whole, boiled, unplucked chicken

-you've ever had? -First and hopefully last.

So good enough to put us on the map?

Yeah. I'll make a note that Krapopolis has

a restaurant you should definitely avoid...

-Oh. -but a king

who tries real hard.

I'll take the win. Mum, Dad, no!

My name is Sam the Jellyfish.

And I'm Jessica, and I'm dead.

[Speaking Octopus]

Dan Harmon: Did you get any of that?

Voice: Bento! [Cheering]

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0