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So, please, put your hands together

for the great Sam Cowell!

Hello...

Male news anchor: It's gonna be beautiful sunny day today.

And we can expect much more of the same over the next few days

if you want to do some of those outdoor activities

you've been saving up.

And in business, the stock market

fell through the floor today.

No one seems to have predicted this, so it's hard to know--

Female news anchor: And there was another drive-by shooting

today downtown, it appears to be gang-related,

but there are no suspects--

♪ Come on down to Charlie's Jewellery ♪

♪ I'll help you find...

Female news anchor: The newest update to the Renner case

is that Brooke Renner, a 14-year-old,

has been missing since Thursday.

The teen's aunt filed a missing person's report two days ago.

Brooke hasn't been seen...

...No foul play is suspected in the teen's disappearance.

The family is concerned for her well-being.

- So if you have any information - Paige?

- on Brooke's whereabouts... -What is it?!

- It's Brooke. -Is she here again?

...call local police, or the number you see on the screen.

Why are you sopping on the couch?

The news of Brooke's disappearance

was widely circulated on social media,

perhaps because of last year's case involving police--

Okay. Oh, just mute that, and then...

How long has she been missing?

It just said four days.

Well, I think you need to tell somebody that you saw her.

Like, Jill?

No, like, the fucking... police.

Even though ACAB, obviously.

Why don't you go get dressed, and I can call.

They'll probably put me on hold for a while anyway.

- Yeah. - Cause, you know,

like, bureaucracy and all that.

Right, yeah. Red tape. Um...

Yeah, yeah. Go-- Go lay down.

- Okay. - Go.

Thanks. Um, I'm gonna go...

...lie down in my towel.

Good job for washing your body!

Thank you.

Hey, yeah, is this the tip line?

Um, yeah, this is about Brooke Renner.

Um, my roommate saw her like, three days ago.

When would she have to come in?

Coming!

Hold on! Jeez.

Oh my God, what the fuck?!

I know you're in there, you fuck! Come out!

Oh my God, Brooke!

Did you just throw that through my window?

And did you just call me a fuck? You need to leave!

Where the fuck am I supposed to go, Sam?

To your aunt's house. And stop swearing, it doesn't sound cool.

Okay, I can do whatever I want.

Yes, I know, Brooke.

You've made that abundantly clear.

- How did you get downtown? - I took the bus.

- You on the bus? - I got a ride, all right?

Please leave. And take an Uber home.

I just wanna know why you lied!

I'm not doing this with you today.

Fuck you, Sam! Fuck you!

Are you drunk?

Fuck.

Dinner's ready!

Thanks for cooking again, Philip.

It's just Ragu.

- It's still food. - Yeah.

Technically... it's not,

but you're welcome anyway.

So, um...

What are you gonna do about Brooke?

I'm not sure.

Just say that she broke our window

in your statement tomorrow, and, you know,

we'll ask her aunt to pay for it.

And, you know, she'll go home on her own.

She's just being 15, like the Taylor Swift song.

- She's 14. - Yeah, even worse.

Yeah, I know, it's like, when your boobs are the weirdest,

you're wearing bad halter tops, it's a nightmare.

I'm sure it's gonna be fine though.

Hasn't she done this like, a few times?

Yeah, I mean,

she's probably loving the missing person posters.

They used a selfie, she looks great.

You can't say she looks great, babe, she's missing.

I mean, it's not, like, out of character

for her to do this for attention,

but like, I'm still worried.

Well, you're not getting paid to worry about her anymore.

I'm worried that you're still not leaving the house.

- Okay, I showered toady. - Oh.

- Oh my God. - I did!

-You did! - I did.

Yeah.

And I almost went to your show last night.

Okay, but you didn't, so I just sat there all night.

- Lonely Paige. - What?

You bring home strange girls from Comedy Bar all the time.

I mean, lesbian sex, there's like, a less than 1% chance

of catching an STI, so... it's not risky.

♪ That's not true

That's dangerous misinformation.

You know what I'm talking about though!

It's not like-- lesbians, you're never bringing home a stranger,

everyone is like, someone's ex, someone's dog walker,

you know, someone's friend twice removed.

Yeah, okay, that's true. That is gay math.

Mmm. Speaking of exes,

I did see Noah last night,

and he said he was trying to call you again--

Paige.

Seriously, let's talk about anything else.

You were saying that you have an STI?

That's not at all what I said.

Yeah, you were confessing to us--

I said it's impossible for me to catch them.

-Oh! - Oh, we got it wrong.

Okay, what year do you think everyone in the world has HPV?

- Soon, I hope.

What do you mean? What do you mean by "you hope"?

Just, kind of, something to talk about... with people.

Well, you also, by the way,

didn't miss truly anything last night.

- Alicia...

I know, is still doing that, like, "Pick me up, daddy,"

- that, like, "daddy" bit. Daddy.

She says "daddy" a bunch of times.

Please say she retired the jean shorts

over the top of the tights look.

Okay, she did. But, sort of a twist,

she added some really bizarre hats.

- Yes. - So it's hard to tell

if we're sort of winning or losing with her.

-Uh, we're losing. - We're losing.

- It's giving loss.

It's giving loss, what she's doing.

- Alicia is giving us loss.

Did Brooke tell you she was intoxicated?

I mean, she didn't tell me she was drunk, but she was drunk.

What else did she say?

Um, she called me a liar.

You know, small talk.

And was there anything else that you noticed different about her?

Um, her hair. She dyed it blue.

Like, this low-key blue.

- Blue hair. - Yeah, but it wasn't, like,

all blue, it was, like, dip-dyed, kind of,

so it's like, just the ends, sort of,

but it was done, like, really shitty.

She-- um, she dyed it blue. Yeah.

Okay.

Thank you.

Look, uh, I don't know what you, uh...

I'm really sorry you're back here, Samantha.

Yeah, me too.

Just get in touch if you remember anything else.

Okay.

We all just want to make sure that Brooke

gets home safe, right?

Okay.

- Here. - Yeah, um, I have one.

Thanks for waiting.

Were you a reliable witness?

Yeah. I remember everything about her,

I can't get her out of my dumb brain.

Okay, so you did everything you could,

and it's out of your dumb hands now.

Officer [voiceover]: I'm really sorry

you're back here, Samantha.

Okay.

- Samantha. - Hi! Are you Mrs. Renner?

- Oh, I'm her sister, Jill. - Oh.

Brooke's favourite aunt.

Come on in.

You're so short!

Right this way.

Orchids? So psychotic.

- You can have a seat here. - Oh, thank you.

Cameron, this is Samantha.

- Hi, Samantha. - Hi.

- I'm Cameron. - Nice to meet you.

- Um, got your resume here. - Yes.

Seems, um... Uh...

I've never done this before.

I-- I'm Sam.

Um, I was an au pair for a family in the UK

for two years.

I'm also a comedian.

Oh! I took improv in college.

Oh, yeah. Zip, zap, zop. Totally.

- Like... - Yeah!

Yep, love it. Um...

So, I mean, I spend most of my time with overgrown children.

Why'd you leave?

I'm still doing comedy, I'm still, like--

- Family in the UK. - Oh, um...

I just didn't renew my student visa, so, like,

- paperwork, I guess. - You're in luck.

The only paperwork you'd have to fill out here

is permission slips for field trips and things like that.

Oh, Brooke can't do her own forgeries yet?

No.

Um...

I also have a fine arts degree.

Um, yeah, I just thought...

Fine arts degree, feels applicable.

Yeah, you know, art.

Brooke loves to draw.

That's great.

Uh, so, here's the situation.

Brooke's mother is very sick.

She's in and out of hospitals all the time.

I know, I'm really sorry, the agency told me that's...

Yeah, and I still need to work quite a bit,

so I would need someone maybe to stay over a few nights a week.

- We have a guestroom. - I'd be here more,

but I live an hour out, and with two kids and work,

it's... it's a lot with the hospital visits.

- Totally, yeah. - As you can imagine,

the amount of change in a young girl's life has made Brooke...

...a little difficult.

Of course. I mean, that's a teenager's job, right?

That's a joke?

Yeah... I hope.

Brooke, can you come out please?

No thank you. I don't want a nanny.

Mom will get better.

I know she will, sweetie. In the meantime,

can you just come out and meet Sam here, please?

She's nice.

Oh, thank you.

Hi.

Hi.

Why can't you just stay home like you used to

- at the beginning? -Brooke, say hi.

If you do, we'll go to the skate park this weekend.

I promise.

Oh, you skate?

Okay, that's cool. Very intimidating.

Uh, you know what, we'll be in the kitchen

if you guys want ice cream after.

- Cool. - Okay.

Okay, ice cream. That is a bribe I can get behind.

Right? They know what they're doing.

Maybe we trick them, we go downstairs, we're like,

"Yeah, we're friends!" And then we get the dessert.

No. I don't need a nanny, okay? I'm 12.

Okay, fair, totally.

Why don't we think about it as being friends?

I'll just be a friend that's old enough to know

you can't have pizza for dinner every night

or play with matches all the time.

And I'll be paid.

I know what you're trying to do. You're trying to be funny.

- And I'm not being funny? - No, not really.

Okay, that hurts, but the fact that you have

high comedic standards means it's going to be easy

to be friends with you.

You're not like other nannies, are you?

You're not like other kids, are you?

Okay, well, if you're gonna be stuck with me,

what do you wanna do tonight?

I have the new episode of Riverdale.

I love Riverdale.

So, basically, that's why I don't fuck guys

who read books anymore.

- Hey, good to see you. - Yeah, it's been a while.

Yeah. And probably a lot healthier and less depressing?

- Yeah, you'd think. - When are you up?

Oh, no, I'm not on the lineup.

I'm just here for moral support.

Okay, well, you can joke about literally anything now,

so that's good, right?

What?

Just that you're...

uniquely positioned, with all the...

...topics at your disposal.

Yeah, I'm really lucky.

- No, I just mean-- - Tim's just jealous

because you can talk about your period,

- and he can't talk about his. - Okay, thank you, Zara.

Got me. Sorry, baby made a bad joke.

Okay, I gotta go.

-Tim Gideon!

- Thanks. - Of course, Tim's the worst.

- Oh, horrible. - Yeah.

I feel like his hair somehow got more incel-y.

You know what? I don't even think there's gel in it.

I just think it grows that way.

Wow, horrible. Heinous.

Really weird.

What, Tim say something dumb?

Oh, he tried to make a certain kind of joke. So funny.

- Oh. - I mean,

Tim's obviously jealous because he is in no way relevant.

Okay, well, what happened to me doesn't make me relevant, Paige.

Yeah, I know that.

The fact that you're a woman makes you relevant.

Exactly. Girlina, bring some of that girlboss energy

to the lineup tonight.

I have genuinely missed seeing you be an annoying white woman

- on stage. Genuinely. - Thank you.

- I have, I have! - Thank you.

But I gotta go, because I have a date,

and in his bio, it says that he's a poet, so...

Oooh!

That will be fun to torture my parents with.

- Okay, have fun. - You too. I love you.

- Good to see you. - Zara, please fuck the poet.

- Fuck the poet! - Fuck the poet!

- Yes! - And I'd just say,

- fuck the poet. -One more time, yes.

Just for you to fuck the poet.

So?

Uh, all I have is what I had for my Montreal taping.

It's not really topical two years later.

Who cares, dude? Tim is still doing material about Frasier.

Uh, hands up if we think Niles eats ass?

I just, I'm not ready to like, take the think pieces

and the subtweets and port them over

into real-life heckling and harassment.

Your Montreal set was so good.

I was so mad at you for getting that taping.

Yeah, well, you know, you win some,

you lose some lifelong dreams,

and then you watch your friends and peers

live out those dreams, so...

you don't have to be mad anymore.

It's good, it's good...

I feel like your youth pastor stuff could still work.

...and scrambled eggs!

I mean...

- You guys,

you are in for a very special treat tonight.

After a brief hiatus, the pride of Toronto,

not in the gay way, though, that was Paige earlier.

- And I guess me now.

But without further ado, you guys...

Sam Cowell!

Um... that was a joke, you guys.

I would never give up my stage time.

Gay men on dating apps will literally have on their bio,

like, "please, only contact me if you take care of yourself

"and love your body."

And then I will literally see them doing meth

at circuit parties.

Tim [voiceover]: You can joke about literally anything now,

so that's good, right?

Noah [voiceover]: You're funny. You are funny!

So, what did you do at school today?

We talked about a book

I already read last summer at our cottage.

At the cottage where you broke the tablet

I got you for your birthday?

Oh, were you annoyed with how Twilight ended, too?

I'm also team Jacob, I was like, what is going on?

You're team Jac-- No! I'm Edward.

- You're Edward? - Yes!

-Are you kidding me? -Are you kidding me?

Was he the one with the abs?

They both have abs.

I mean, a completely different kind of abs.

Like, Jacob, it's a warm, cuddly ab.

You put it in the sleeping bag, you snuggle up,

you get toasty. Edward, ice cold abs.

- Cutting steel, killing people. - With his abs. Okay.

- Yeah. - That all seems very rehearsed.

Is that you treating us to one of your stand-up comedy things?

No, those are-- those are usually much less funny.

That was-- that was off the cuff 'cause I'm passionate about it.

Okay, what do you actually tell jokes about?

Yeah, I was reading about stand-up comedy, and it's--

it says a lot of it is apparently all about

self-deprecation, you know, and you're not... ugly.

Not ugly!

You're conventionally attractive.

I'm just saying she doesn't have any affliction,

you're not obese, you don't have a stutter.

- Okay, that's... stop it. - Was that a joke, Cameron?

I mean, no, it...

Wow, your dad is going to roast battle me.

Um, no, but actually I mostly do observational stuff

about men being bad.

It's called political comedy.

It's very trendy. A lot of women do that.

I also do the classics, you know?

My period, the mall, skincare.

- Guys, do I love them?

Do I hate them? I'm changing my mind.

I'm going crazy! Where's my tampon?

They shout it back, they go, "Where is it?!"

The crowd goes nuts.

I'm gonna do it all at my show tonight.

- A big period show. - Right,

which is all derivative of Ruth Buzzi.

- Who is Ruth Buzzi?

Who is Ruth Buzzi?

So, I realized something today.

I realized I have a lot more in common

with closeted homophobic youth pastors than I thought.

Uh, the same way that they're denouncing gay people

is the same way that I'm denouncing straight men.

- Meaning, yes,

very loudly. Very, very loudly.

I'm going all over town, I'm preaching, preaching,

I'm tweeting on my phone, "Men are bad, they're so evil!"

Then I'm going home, I'm blowing a graphic designer.

Seriously, though, it's like,

we need a Volkswagen level recall on men in general,

because the airbag is exploding, okay?

We've got a lot of choking hazards,

- if you know what I mean.

Yeah, like, if one out of every 10 cars

was killing its entire family and then the next day,

the news was running a photo of the car on a jet-ski...

...would we still sell them? I don't know.

Even though they're bad, they're murdering people,

I am having sex with them...

...um, as much as possible.

Um, I'm at the bar, I'm signaling guys

like a Republican senator signals the male interns.

- Hell yeah.

I'm like, "Kyle, I need you in the bathroom for something."

I'm spraying Axe body spray like smoke signals. I'm like...

- "Come here."

So, really, who am I to judge Justin Bieber's youth pastor,

because I want to fuck Justin too.

Thank you guys so much.

MC [echoing]: That was Sam Cowell! Keep it going!

Keep it going. Give it up for Sam Cowell.

Next on the stage...

♪ I went with you

♪ Up to the place you grew up in ♪

♪ We spent a week in the cold ♪

♪ Just long enough to Walden it with you ♪

♪ Any longer, it would have got old ♪

♪ Singing "Ace of Spades" when Lemmy died ♪

♪ But nothing's changed

♪ LA is all right

♪ I'm sleeping in my bed again, and getting in my head ♪

♪ And then walk around the reservoir ♪

Okay.

♪ You...

♪ You must have been looking for me ♪

♪ Sending smoke signals

♪ Pelicans circling

♪ Burning trash out on the beach ♪

Hi, um, I'm here for Brooke Renner.

Are you a relative?

She's my nanny. She's late.

I mean, we agreed "nanny" is kind of an antiquated term,

but, yes.

Are you okay?

I didn't know you went to Hogwarts.

Sorry, I'm going to need to see some ID.

Oh, yeah. Sure.

I have... that.

Okay, this is a library card.

Okay, could I say I know her full name,

her middle name?

Her food-- I know her food allergies.

Could I say that?

Hey.

What happened?

Um, my mom... was supposed to come home.

But she-- she got an infection last night.

And your dad?

He decided to work if we couldn't go to the hospital.

Well, it's perfect,

I was on my way to meet up with my best friends--

- So I ruined your plans? - No, no, it's--

We were just going to the movies,

and now you can come with us.

Isn't sci-fi you and your mom's favourite?

What kind of car is that?

- I think just old.

What movie are you seeing?

Uh, an R-rated one that you probably shouldn't be watching.

Okay.

And I promise I'll take you to see your mom tomorrow

if she's feeling better.

- I talked to Jill earlier. - Okay.

So, what kind of snacks are we thinking for today?

- Everything? - I don't know.

You don't know?!

Paige and Philip, meet Brooke.

- Hey, Brooke! - Hey.

We've heard nothing but good things.

Yeah, right. Sam gets paid to hang out with me.

No, seriously, um, Sam is actually really jealous

of your hair, and your clothes. Whole vibe.

She's, um, profoundly intimidated by you.

- Kind of pathetic. - Sure.

No, not pathetic.

Uh, Brooke are you-- are you coming to the movies with us?

Yeah, if that's... that's all right.

Oh, yeah. Any friend of Sam's is a friend of ours.

Yeah.

Especially one with such voluminous hair.

- Yeah. - Thank you.

Hey.

I'm gonna go grab a drink with Noah if you want to come.

Um...

No, I think I'm just gonna...

Yeah, um, didn't go well

when I finally tried to go out last night, so...

Say hi, though.

Yeah, I'll probably just lie and say you'll call him.

- Paige. - Hmm?

Do you think he hates me?

He'd be an asshole if he hated you.

Yeah, and he's not an asshole, right?

I mean...

kinda, but like, in a good way.

I like assholes. We're all assholes.

I'm sorry that I'm not a fun asshole anymore.

Okay, you were there for me during the great depression

of 2016, and I will never forget that.

- I was a nasty woman. - Yeah, I know,

- but like, after that-- - No.

I don't want to talk about that. We don't need to.

No, I didn't think that you were jealous of my taping.

- I shouldn't have said that. - I was jealous.

And I probably shouldn't have told you you only got it

'cause you were thin and white.

Okay, so I'm hearing that and you're saying I'm thin.

You should hear that you're malnourished.

I mean, I am living for this, though.

I am loving just seeing my friend laying down,

all day long, sometimes microwaving something.

No, I've been very horizontal lately.

But I'm telling you, I'm not going to be the one

to drive you to physio when your muscles atrophy,

so let's turn the beat around.

Fuck, okay.

Yes, move your body. Chair aerobics.

- Write some jokes? - Eh...

- Movement. - How about this?

Yeah, I'll do it again.

Shit!

Um, I... do cherish you,

and I do have to leave.

Okay. Have fun at the show.

Oh, you know I will have fun, 'cause you know who

- is on the lineup? - No, no, no.

- Alicia, baby. Daddy!

- Daddy! - Well, now I'm jealous.

Oh, Daddy!

♪ Ooh, did you really think I'd change ♪

♪ Nothing like a good thing going the wrong way ♪

♪ Ooh

♪ I loved you

♪ The way I wanted to

Are you tweeting already?

- Yes. - Morning tweets?

Rattling off some big... killer tweets.

- Oh yeah? - "My boyfriend's so annoying."

- Excuse me? - "Stinks and is rude."

- What? - Boom, viral.

Did you tag me in it at least?

I can't tag you, that's bad for the brand.

"The brand?"

Yeah, I have to shit on you, never tag you,

and then a million girls are gonna comment

"So true, queen."

But they-- they don't even know me!

Well, it's worth it,

'cause look what I get to look at.

What do you mean?

Like, look what I get to look at.

And you have to look at me.

My view is... good, too.

But I'm just saying that the property value of being

in my body is actually higher than being in yours

because my face looks out at yours.

- Oh. - See?

And your face looks out at like,

uh, a vacant lot where they can't build,

because there used to be a gas station.

I don't know, I feel like there's... potential.

I'm seeing, like, an organic kale co-op.

- Wow. - They're building a Target.

- Nice. - A Pilates studio for dogs.

Okay, so, gentrification?

Mm... unfortunately, yes,

but the Pilates studio is gonna be amazing.

Great. - Good plan.

Hey, um, you know, I actually need to check the foundation

- of your property. - Of mine?

- For a second, yeah. - Why?

Well, 'cause there's been some concerns with regards--

- Concerns?! - Yeah, there's been leaks.

- Leaks?! - Yeah, soil density issues.

- Oh my God. - Mmm.

And if you don't mind, a couple guys from the city

are gonna come down and join me.

- Oh, it'll be a couple? - Yeah.

But you'll barely notice we're here, okay?

- Okay. - Oh.

Don't use your hot water for a bit.

Okay.

♪ It's gonna take a bit of work... ♪

Can I get you anything else, Sam?

Um, do you think this premise is funny?

It's like, two old-timey dudes,

like, named Victor and Timothy

come up with the term "victim," so it's like, "vic,"

the "vic" from Victor and the "tim" from Timothy,

and it's like, "Oh, you're inserting yourself

"into that," you know...

Um, yeah, I guess.

It's not your best work, to be honest.

Yeah, no, it's bad. Thanks, Jeremy.

Get you another Sapporo?

- Yeah, thanks. - All right.

- This one's on me, all right. - Thanks.

Sam?

- Can I talk to you? - Um, Jill,

I like, asked you not to come around here.

- I'm trying to work. - You're working again?

Well, I'm trying to drink, but, yeah.

- How are you?

Um, thriving, obviously.

Listen, I just want to know what you told the police.

Just that I saw her.

Or heard her, she threw a rock through my window.

She stopped going to school.

Well, probably because she can't throw rocks at school.

She also, uh,

released her rabbit into the ravine behind the house.

Sammity?

Maybe she was trying to free it?

She dyed it blue first.

Oh.

She really misses you, Sam.

And it's even worse now because I had to sell the house.

My sister's house. And she's just totally uprooted.

I gave all of the information that I have.

And I really doubt that she misses me.

I mean, she literally started a petition on Change.org

to have me arrested, so...

Please, Sam, you know her best.

Did she ever say anything to you about a Nathan?

Hmm, no. I'm sorry.

I really am.

Come on, please don't hold this against us.

I'm not holding anything against you, or against Brooke.

I just-- I feel terrible, okay?

I don't know how I didn't see the signs, I didn't--

Okay, don't beat yourself up about it.

The last thing that I want is a woman blaming herself

for all of this.

That's not what I'm doing! Please.

All I see is Brooke's mother's face every time I look at her.

Okay, and all I see is her father, so...

Fucking keys...

Oh my God.

Oh, fuck!

Brooke?

Brooke, I'm here!

Brooke?

Oh my God. Brooke.

- Oh.

She's gone.

She died. I can't believe she died.

I'm so sorry, Brooke. I'm... I'm here.

- I'm here. - She left me.

Cameron?

Um, Cameron?

Brooke's asleep. I'm gonna go.

I don't know how to do this.

What do I say to her?

Can you stay, please?

Tell a joke or something.

I... I don't--

I don't know if this is the time for it, I'm sorry.

I'm gonna be here first thing tomorrow.

I'm gonna have all my Twilight jokes, I promise.

I'm so sorry.

♪ Shadow, shadow, what a show ♪

♪ Every other step there's a cross-eyed crow ♪

♪ Half return, half return ♪

♪ Minneapolis, soft white snow ♪

♪ Thirty-five bridge, hometown ♪

♪ Half return, half return ♪

♪ Standing in the yard, dressed like a kid ♪

♪ The house is white and the lawn is dead ♪

♪ The lawn is dead, the lawn is dead ♪

♪ Illinois toll road, Indiana plain ♪

♪ Roll the windows down, shoot out the change ♪

♪ Half return, half return ♪

♪ Honey in your mouth when you didn't even eat ♪

♪ Tears in your eyes when you pull it like a chain ♪

♪ Half return, half return ♪

♪ Standing in the yard, dressed like a kid ♪

♪ The house is white and the lawn is dead ♪

"Breann Smordin".

♪ The lawn is dead, the lawn is dead ♪

"We keep moving in the same circles,

in the same way that neurons circle atoms.

We must become straight lines."

Okay.

♪ Half return, half return ♪

♪ Dusty swing set, plastic slide ♪

♪ Push me up and down, take me for a ride ♪

♪ Standing in the yard, dressed like a kid ♪

♪ The house is white and the lawn is dead ♪

♪ The lawn is dead, the lawn is dead ♪

How's she doing since she's been back at school?

I let her get social media, but I don't know.

It's cute that you think it's all just called "social media."

I mean, she's taken on this very "cool teen" attitude

to make it seem like she doesn't care about anything,

but I know how to deal with that particular defence mechanism,

so we're figuring it out.

I'm glad she has you to talk to right now.

Yeah, Cameron does not really know what to say.

He's always kind of needed a buffer between him and Brooke.

Yeah, like a translator of girls?

Yeah, actually, that's... a great way to put it.

Yeah, I mean, I think he thinks I'm like, interesting

or like, endearingly weird or something,

but I don't think he's ever talked to a woman

in a hoody before.

Well, he always loved Laura's class.

Oh, are you calling me not classy, Jill?

No! That's-- No, I'm not.

No, I just-- I just meant

that I think he always liked our...

you know, our family friends, and fancy dinners,

and vacations, and he just liked Laura's life, you know?

She always made things so beautiful.

You're both super classy broads. That's for sure.

Thanks, Sam.

I just really fucking miss her so much.

Yeah.

- Can we see the birds now? - Yep, the birds.

I know, we're gonna go look at the birds. Come on.

Hey, are those those weird white ones with the pink eyes?

They're Netherland dwarf rabbits.

You like them?

I mean, I wouldn't mind having one.

- You'd have to ask your dad. - He won't care.

He says yes to everything ever since mom.

You know, I could name one after you.

Okay. Tempting.

This one does kinda look like me.

I see it. I feel it.

- It's the energy. - It is.

- And the cuteness. -Oh, of course.

It just has "Sam" written all over it.

Yes.

So, what are you thinking of getting your dad

for his birthday?

A coupon for doing my chores?

You have a housekeeper, Brooke.

You know, it's gonna be the first year

that he's celebrating without your mom.

He likes history books, like,

the War of 1812 and all that.

Okay, you're right. Your dad is boring.

The good news is, there's a very cool used bookstore

- by my house. - Could we go tonight?

Oh, I can't tonight, 'cause I'm supposed to hang out with Paige.

- I could come. - Well, I mean,

you're not really allowed where we're going.

Why?

Well, because it's a comedy club and you're a child, so...

Wait, you don't tell any jokes about me, do you?

No! Never. Scout's honour. I promise.

Okay.

- You gonna hurry up? - Okay, safety first.

- Oh, okay. - Just locking in.

We're on, we're ready to go!

You know, I am working on some material about teens in general.

- Oh? - Yes.

How it's no fair that Gen-Z already knows about, like,

skin serums and stuff, so they're just gonna

rule the world with their poreless skin forever.

Okay, you know, your skin is fine.

Fine? Very generous, thank you. Wow, "fine."

What's the most embarrassing thing that's happened to you

- with a boy? - Ooh.

- Oh, sounds like there's a lot. - There's a lot.

Um, okay,

one time I pissed myself in my boyfriend's car.

You peed yourself... with Noah?

No, not with Noah! My ex from junior high.

- Dylan - Oh.

I was wearing light pink jeans,

I was at a party, everybody saw.

And that, young Brooke, is why you should never experiment

with alcohol or pastel denim

until your bladder fully develops at age 18.

Alcohol smells gross anyway.

Brooke, listen to me, one day, probably very soon,

you're going to be offered multiple coolers of some kind,

and they are going to taste like lemonade, gummy bears,

and no matter how good they taste, you can only have one.

Okay... Jesus.

Okay, 'cause otherwise you're gonna be peeing your pink jeans.

- I don't have pink jeans! -Okay.

You're gonna be peeing your cool mom jeans.

Okay.

And so in the bedroom, he makes me call him Daddy.

♪ ...In between

♪ Stuck in shoulder to shoulder... ♪

♪ Only strangers make me feel strange ♪

Sam?

Noah!

- Hey. - Hey.

I haven't seen you here in like, a year.

Are you-- are you doing shows again?

Oh, uh, no. I'm just here watching Paige and Philip.

How are you? Are you-- Are you, uh--

Are you writing? Or...

Um, I mean, like, not really.

I have, like, one joke about online shopping.

Great. Nice.

I love your shopping stuff. It was always, uh...

...uh, cerebral.

- Cerebral? - Yeah.

Wow. Thank you.

Um, that's very generous.

Um, yeah, I mean, it's all I can write about,

'cause I basically just sit at home, open a hundred tabs,

and then buy a bunch of t-shirts with money I don't have, so.

Oh.

I can go back to helping with rent if that--

- Oh, my God. No. - would help.

- Um. That was a joke. - Oh. Ha!

Okay, yeah. I mean--

I'm not gonna make you pay rent. I kicked you out.

No, that's-- It's not--

"Kicked me out," that's-- Come on.

Let me do something.

You know, I'm feeling more useless than usual,

which is hard for a comedian.

Yeah, it must be really hard for you.

You know what I mean.

Yeah, I know, but, um...

Paige and Philip are both pitching in on rent,

and they're, like, ridiculously good at pretending

that I'm pulling my weight as a roommate, so...

Hm.

I thought you, um...

I thought you needed time alone.

I-- I am alone. I'm-- I'm alone with them.

Yeah, I'm sorry. That's-- I shouldn't have.

No, it's okay. It's totally okay.

Um...

It's good to see you.

Yeah. You, too.

Oh, please. I didn't-- I'm not--

Please, I wasn't--

It's okay. It's totally fine.

I actually was about to go home--

- Yeah. - anyway.

- So I'm going to go. - Okay.

Um, but it was really good to see you.

- You, too. - Yeah.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. -Okay.

♪ Even though I know

♪ Hell is a crowded... ♪

Sam [on video]: And because it's, like, you touch hands,

and then it reminds him that he has the power to kill you.

...Bullshit is all I'm saying, Cam.

I mean, excessive. Excessive? Come on.

You were doing the right thing.

I know that.

Oh, sorry. I was just taking out the trash.

Yeah, that's alright. Hey.

Uh, Sam. This is officers Gerrard and Lawrence.

- Hi. - Hi.

Gerrard here was just defending my honour.

It's, uh-- It's Jim, hun, and this is Conrad.

- Conrad. - Hi.

Can we, uh, offer the babysitter a beer, or?

Okay, first of all, she's an au pair.

The less teen version of a babysitter.

- Thank you, Cameron. -Right.

I get it, I get it.

It's like, uh, the thing with stewardesses.

You can't call 'em stewardesses anymore. You gotta--

Flight attendant's the correct term now.

Flight attendant.

And the gay dude ones are actually pretty funny.

The Seinfelds of the sky, truly.

Anyway, Sam doesn't want to drink beer

with a bunch of old dudes.

Oh, no, I mean, Conrad is young-ish.

-Young-ish. - Thank you.

All right.

So, uh, what do you do with Brooke?

You know, math homework, keep her from slipping

into an existential crisis too early.

-Right. - All of that good stuff.

Yeah. Must be, uh, tough without a mom.

Yeah.

Yeah, she must think you're pretty cool.

Yeah, she loves Sam.

Well, I mean, even you and I, with our relative youth,

are already considered way too out of touch

to be cool to teens.

Well, Cam and I must be royally fucked.

- Oh, yeah. - Brooke's always giving me shit

for saying stuff I'm not supposed to.

Well, I mean, you're not supposed to say "exotic," but...

I don't know, Cameron's pretty funny.

My wife thinks he's hilarious.

-Really? -Oh, yeah.

Cameron, what's funny about you?

I mean, you're not ugly, you're a straight white dude,

you don't stutter.

I get it.

That's a callback.

Yeah, that's a term in comedy where

an inside joke comes back around.

Oh, yeah.

Sam's a stand-up comedienne.

- No way. - What?

Like a comedian, but a girl.

Right.

But, I thought, like, isn't comedy, like--

It's hard on women, no?

Uh.

No, it's really easy. I just wear a tiny little top,

I get on stage, I make baby noises,

and then I get a million dollars,

and everybody in the audience goes, "Yas, queen!"

Okay.

That's a joke from one of her sets.

I've seen her videos.

You've watched--

Fuck, you've watched my videos, Cameron?

-What? -Which ones?

Whoa, whoa, whoa. We have to see one of these.

- Are you on YouTube? - Yeah. Look her up.

Sam Cowell. YouTube.

- Yeah? -Is that her?

-Yup. That's her. - Oh, my God.

49,000 views.

-Wow. - That's pretty good.

Oh, my God.

I'm a nanny, which is the politically correct term

for "old babysitter."

Wait, you do sets at the Laugh Basket?

That's pretty cool.

No, the Basket is not cool, okay?

It smells like pee and the floor is always wet.

Teen mom or struggling actress?

Aww.

Either way, I am rock hard, so.

You're funny! You are funny.

This is so inappropriate, Cameron.

What? I had to vet you somehow.

You're looking after my one and only daughter.

I guess so.

My big flirty move on a date is to make the guy

pinky promise not to kill me.

-Yeah.

More stuff about men. I get it. I get it.

...you touch hands and then it reminds him

that he has the power to kill you.

We should all go see her. When are you there?

No, please.

- Yeah, put us on the list. - Is there a list?

No!

Sam [on video]: It is hard to be a nanny for this generation,

though, because it's like, they know everything, you know?

It's like everything you know, they know,

and they know why it's wrong,

and they know which member of the Clinton Foundation

made you think that it was right.

It's like--

Woman [on TV]: Houston! Houston, come in!

Hey. Pay attention. This is a good movie.

I don't care about space.

You don't care about the wonder of space?

The ever-expanding universe?

Sandra Bullock?

Hey.

Are you okay?

Have you ever burned a photograph?

What?

Like, in a... cathartic way.

Um...

I mean, I guess. Only of exes.

Definitely of Dylan. Why?

No, I was just thinking of deleting a bunch of photos

off my phone.

But you don't have any ex anythings.

Brooke.

- N-- - No!

You're going to want those.

I just-- I-- You know, I see her

every time I try to take a new picture

because my phone has this-- this--

this feature where, you know, it--

it gathers up photos based on faces,

and just, like, displays them in an album.

And it...

I know, and the feature is horrible,

and it adds songs, it's not good.

But...

it's going to hurt a lot more later

if you don't have anything to remember her by.

I was just thinking about it.

Okay, well,

maybe just do an iCloud backup

in case you're thinking of doing anything rash.

I'm surprised you know anything about backups.

Okay. Wow. I'm not that old.

P.S. I'm surprised the cloud can even

store the number of selfies you take.

Although, the poses are spectacular.

I'm-- I'm going to borrow this and this. The tilt?

Okay, you're all set.

So, what's this movie about?

I told you. Sandra Bullock.

It's good. It's a lot of strings.

They break, they tangle.

Then the strings are going to save someone.

Brooke. Brooke, Brooke--

What? What? What? What is it?

You need to get up.

- Wh-- - You need to get up now.

What happened to your head?

I, um...

I tripped.

What?

The carbon monoxide monitors are going off.

We have to leave now.

What about my dad? Why--

He's fine. He left.

I turned them off, we have to go.

Fine. Fine.

[whispering] No, no, no. We don't have time.

- Leave Sammity. - He's going to die, okay?

It'll affect his small rabbit lungs first.

- Okay, fine. - Fine.

Just you get the door.

- Okay. - Be really quiet.

Why should I be quiet? What is going on?

Because-- So I can hear the monitors. Just--

What?!

Be careful with Sammity.

Okay. Here, take this.

Okay.

Are those your dad's keys?

-Yes. - Okay, let's go.

Quiet.

- Get in the front seat. -Okay!

Just get-- Get in.

I'm doing that!

How do I open the garage?

Just here.

- This thing? - Yes.

Put on your seatbelt.

Sam. Sam, it's okay, all right? We all got out. It's okay.

It's o-- Can you pull over?

- I know, yeah. - Can you pull over?

Can you just pull over?

Can we call my dad?

Stop!

Okay.

I'm going to-- I'm going to call the--

I'm going to call the fire department.

Okay.

Where's my phone? I need my phone.

Here. It's here. It's fine.

What are you doing? Stay in the car, Brooke.

You could be hurt, okay?

Carbon monoxide is very complicated.

I'm fine, Sam.

Just stay in the car, okay?!

Okay.

Please let me in. Just let me in!

I just want to be in with her, please!

Let me in! Let me in!

How are you feeling, Samantha?

Um... Is Brooke okay?

She's here at the hospital. She's physically fine.

Her aunt's on the way.

And...

This is what you want to file?

Sam. Sam! Sam! What's going on? Are you okay?

What's going on? No, Sam. What did you say?

What-- What's happening? Sam!

What's going on, Sam?!

Can you please get the fuck out of my room?

Dude, it's so exciting!

Yes!

Sam! Paige's green card got approved!

LA, baby! Oh, what?

What's wrong?

What's going on?

Hi, sad on the floor. What's going on?

What's happening?

What is this... Lisa Frank monstrosity?

And why does it smell like a half-smoked cigarette?

It's Brooke's.

How would you get--

I found it. I went back to the house.

She's been staying there.

No, you went back there?

That is way too big a trigger.

Dude, you need to drop this

and start taking care of yourself.

I'm trying to take care of myself, okay?

I know that I'm a huge fucking burden.

I knew it. Just say it!

My PTSD is a huge fucking burden.

For fuck's sake. It's not that.

What?

Do-- Say something.

I mean...

Does it suck that we can't invite people over here? Yeah.

You know, does it--

does it suck that you still haven't met Ravi

and we've been dating for five months.

And we always have to stay at his place,

and he has the worst sheets.

Yes, that sucks.

But, dude, it's fine.

It's not fine. I'm annoying.

Sam, you have always been annoying

and we have always loved you.

Just, you know, let's-- Let's just drop it.

I'm trying, okay? I'm doing my therapy.

It's just imaginal exposures don't always work.

Maybe she does need to be trying the in vitro exposure.

No. What? It's in vivo.

I'm not a child, okay?

So, please stop treating me like one.

And I'm sorry, Paige, that you got good news

and I ruined your night.

Okay, you're not a child,

but you are... a daughter and a friend

- and a girlfriend. - Paige, don't--

No! And we all want those Sams

to-- to drop the Brooke thing

so that we can get those Sams back, please!

I'm not a girlfriend, okay?

I'm not a girlfriend, and I'm barely a friend.

I'm not contributing anything to this friendship

or to society or to anyone.

So, just stop being so fucking nice to me!

Okay, well, if you want,

you could start paying full rent again?

Okay, well, I can't do that.

It's obviously cool. I was just...

I'm sorry.

I just can't stop thinking about how much Brooke hates me

and, like, what if something's actually wrong

and then she, like, dies thinking I ruined her life?

She's not dying, okay?

She's still bullying us on Twitter.

Okay.

But, I really think you should get in touch with Noah,

because he knows this whole situation,

and this is just so much for Philip and I.

I agree with Paige.

I mean, he's a really good listener.

Actually, more than either of you, but--

Okay, Sam, just either, like, reach out to Noah,

or come to the all women's ayahuasca retreat

I keep talking about, but this has just got to stop.

And, you know...

...maybe next time you're out

you just grab some toilet paper.

Okay.

♪ Who taught you that

♪ If you get a good thing ♪

♪ You better not touch it too much? ♪

Hey.

Can I come in?

Yeah.

♪ Who told you that

♪ You've got to keep your hands clean ♪

♪ Or you're going to mess it all up? ♪

Can I get in the bed with you?

Yeah, sure.

I'm glad you texted.

♪ I am rough around the edge ♪

♪ I am not a flower petal ♪

♪ You can handle me

Are-- Are you okay?

Yeah.

Yeah?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Paige kind of made it sound like

you weren't doing so good.

Not that she told me much.

I don't-- I don't wanna--

I mean, I'm here if you wanna talk.

I could just listen to you--

What are you doing? Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Are you sure about this? Hold on a second. Sam, wait--

Just-- Just be quiet, okay?

It's fine. Just let me--

Okay.

Okay, yeah. Yeah.

Holy shit.

♪ If you love someone

♪ It's best to just leave them alone ♪

That was, uh...

Are you okay?

Yeah.

Totally.

I'm fine.

Now, you guys are probably here to see

everybody's favourite skinny, rich, white girl.

Sam Cowell!

I do have to be nice to the guys.

I'm going to be nice to the guys.

Somebody had to come backstage, like,

"Be nice to the guys."

Thank you guys so much!

♪ So, I heard the bad news ♪

♪ Nobody likes me

♪ And I'm gonna die alone

♪ In my bedroom

♪ Looking at strangers on my telephone ♪

Hey, guys. Good to see you.

Oh, yeah. No, that's crazy.

I've never climbed Kilimanjaro.

Hey.

Hi. Good to see you.

Okay.

I showered.

Dude, you look hot.

Thank you. It's killing me to be here,

but I do look hot.

You do!

You're not going to, like, ruin the party,

and jump off the roof or anything.

Oh, my God. No.

I would never ruin Paige's green card approval party

by jumping off the roof tonight.

Have you seen Paige yet?

I mean, you cannot miss her.

I'm gay, I'm a genie, and I'll grant you a wish!

I am really happy for her, though.

She-- She deserves this.

Yeah, you sound so happy

and not bummed or jealous at all.

But I'm really glad you left the house.

And I'm actually even glad that

you bought all the American flag stuff,

- even though it is-- - Thank you.

extremely American.

So American.

Yeah, so, now we just need to get you back on stage.

You wanna help me pick a new stage name?

What? Sam Cowell's an incredible name.

Plus, you're probably the first Google search result now, so.

Wow. Okay, fine. I'm going to say it.

I did it for attention.

Sam!

You shouldn't be joking about search engine optimization.

Yeah, you're right. No. That's too far.

- It's too far. - That's the line.

Some things we shouldn't joke about.

No more.

I'm gonna get a drink. Do you want one?

- I need one. - Okay, yeah.

I have to have one.

Okay, well, I'll get you one.

- Thank you. - Mm-hm.

Did she ever say anything to you about a Nathan?

My God.

Parties were not like this when we were in junior high.

They were in, like, basements or 7/11 parking lots.

She told me this was a sleepover.

- Where is she? - Is that her right there?

-There you go. -Brooke!

Hi.

Are you drunk?

It's just a birthday party.

Okay, let's get this on.

No, no. No, no, no.

- Hi. - Hi!

Um, Brooke owes me and Nathan $30 for the Smirnoff Ice.

-Thirty dollars? - That's insane.

Mm.

Okay, yeah. Um, do you have that? Sorry.

Yeah, sure. I'd like to give you my last $20.

There you go. Enjoy.

No. No. It's $30.

I'm not an ATM. Yeah.

Where did you guys get all this alcohol?

There's-- Everyone here has an older boyfriend--

or you know something. I don't--

- I don't want to leave. -Oh, okay.

We are going to go to Niagara Falls.

-Yeah, we sure are. - We're going home.

Let's go for it. It'll be fun.

♪--mountains in roller skates ♪

♪ I'm reckless, and careless ♪

♪ Bloody knees in my jeans

♪ And my sundress is so delicate ♪

♪ Oh, skeletons

♪ Oh we're skeletons

Phew. I miss this view.

Yeah, we're really lucky.

♪ Oh, skeletons

I missed you.

Oh.

Oh, fuck.

Noah.

Oh, please. Sam, no-- That--

No. No, I-- I thought we were making progress.

We? I mean--

You and I just slept together.

Yeah.

What, so you're saying there's no glimmer of "we" anymore?

I mean, there's barely a me right now.

Yeah, yeah. Okay.

Uh, well, do you think there would be a you

to care about at some point?

What?

I don't know. I'm just-- I'm--

The pronouns are confusing me here.

You-- I--

Everyone needs we's in their life.

Fuck, Noah. This is just so not about you--

- No, I know. - or us.

I know I don't exist in this, okay?

I'm just-- I'm just the ex-boyfriend.

I...

I just wish...

What? What do you wish?

I wish I could have been there.

I know, but you weren't, and that's okay.

That's-- That's why I was trying to be there after.

But how, Noah?

You know?

By getting in fights on Twitter with trolls?

By asking me, like, just why would he think that?

Okay, I will regret that fucking question

for the rest of my stupid life.

I just can't be around you, okay?

It just makes me feel like shit to be

around the people who were there.

But you can go looking around for Brooke?

Yeah.

I guess that I can,

because Brooke is, like...

the one person who doesn't pity me.

She hates me.

It's refreshing.

I am gonna go check on the ice.

You don't care about ice.

I do.

I care deeply about the ice right now, Noah.

I'm sorry.

♪ Late bloomer

♪ I'm not afraid of you anymore ♪

♪ Late bloomer, now that I'm awake ♪

♪ It was worth the wait

♪ Late bloomer

♪ I'm not afraid of you anymore ♪

♪ Late bloomer, now that I'm awake ♪

♪ It was worth the wait

-Who's this?

Hi, this is Tiff.

Uh, or...

Tiffer?

Yes, no. Um, this-- It's Tiffany.

Um, Brooke's friend from school.

What do you want with her?

Uh, no. Um...

That's not why I'm calling, um...

I was wondering if I could--

Whoa, not on the phone.

Okay, look, if you want to buy, you just gotta come by, okay?

- Come by the trap. - What?

The greenhouse behind the convenience store

on Main Street.

Yo, are you calling from the city?

You sound kinda old, you know.

Uh, no. I'm in Niagara, too.

This is my friend's phone, um,

and I just smoke a lot.

All right, all right.

Come by in, like, an hour, okay?

Peace... Out.

♪ Late bloomer

♪ I'm not afraid of you anymore ♪

I can't believe you know where she is.

And, I'm sorry, but who's named Tiffany anymore?

I don't know, I just panicked.

Well, I'm packing you apples.

Okay, and you're sober enough to drive?

Yes, I only had one beer.

And you're sober enough

to go out there and be a big hero?

I just don't care what anybody thinks anymore.

I don't even care what Brooke thinks anymore.

I'm finding her.

Do you want us to go with you?

No, I have to talk to her on my own.

I don't want to spook her.

I wonder what this boyfriend drug dealer sells.

I was thinking Molly--

Guys! Shut up, okay?

Brooke could be high on anything right now.

Do you remember how stupid we were when we were her age?

I mean, we tried smoking dog hair once.

Ugh. Hey, um, take my keys.

Please be safe.

And check in with us.

Okay.

Because teenage drug dealers who live in Niagara Falls

probably, you know, don't have a lot to lose.

I'm sure it'll be fine. Just don't--

Don't think about Euphoria.

-Go! - Okay.

Go get her, girl.

And how long had you and Mr. Dolman been dating

on the night of October 13th?

It was our three-year anniversary.

And yet you chose to stay late at the Renner's.

It was my job to stay late at the Renner's,

until Brooke fell asleep.

And that night you told

Brooke that you wanted to leave with her

because of a carbon monoxide leak.

But there was no leak.

No, I told her that so that I could--

So, you lied to her about your intentions

for wanting to leave the house?

I lied so that I wouldn't have to leave her there

after... that.

And Brooke has gone on the record, saying that

you were in love with her father.

I was not in love with Cameron.

I found him really boring and pretty sexist.

I was in love with Noah.

Hm.

Exhibit C is one of Ms. Cowell's comedy clips from 2014.

If everyone could direct their attention to the television.

I mean, if you're not having rough sex, it's like,

are you having sex?

At that point it's just procreation.

And in February of last year,

you were a guest on a podcast called The Crimson Wave,

in which you said, and I quote,

"It was offensive that you hadn't been hit on as a nanny."

Well, I mean, you're... taking that out of context.

Oh, well, I don't understand.

Could you explain what the context is?

The context of a joke.

I mean, also, you're not even playing, like--

These are my worst clips.

I'm still flat-ironing my hair in these.

I wasn't even nannying for them at the time.

I'm...

There's no evidence that states that my client

didn't see this material,

and that you didn't confirm

that you wanted to have consensual rough sex with him.

Are you going to ask what I was wearing next?

If the defendant could please rise.

In the case of the Queen versus Cameron Renner,

on the charges of sexual harassment

and aggravated sexual assault,

I find the defendant guilty.

I sentence him to five years.

She's lying to you!

No, she isn't, Brooke.

I know this is hard to understand.

No, it's not. She's trying to take his money, okay?

And now he lost his job!

She just-- she saw our house and she saw-- she saw his car,

and she was probably glad when my mom died!

Brooke. Enough.

Noah. Noah, I'm so sorry. I had no idea, I swear.

- An inkling-- - Why are you on their side?

-Stop it. - Dad loved Mom, not her.

She's a liar!

Hey, we don't talk about women like that.

Thank you, Jill.

Yeah, of course.

Get inside. Come on.

Let's go. Let's finish packing.

Go.

Holy shit. I'm sorry.

Can we go? Can we just go please?

We're going.

She wasn't supposed to be here.

Jesus.

Yo, Brooke said that, too, though.

Alright, yeah. Yeah, I'm down here.

Let's just go home. Let's just go to my...

Yeah, that was stupid, bro.

I remember.

Yeah, yeah. Brooke was there...

Yeah, yeah. That's my car. Mine's the green one.

Yeah, all right. Everyone in. Everyone in.

You're welcome.

Fuck.

Fucking cop dog.

I'm really sorry you're back here, Samantha.

You can joke about literally anything now,

so that's good.

You're funny! You are funny.

Is that you treating us

to one of your stand-up comedy things?

There's no evidence that states that my client

didn't see this material,

and that you didn't confirm

that you wanted to have consensual rough sex with him.

I just want to know why you lied!

This is what you want to file?

She was probably glad when my mom died.

Brooke!

You need to drop this

and start taking care of yourself, dude.

I just wish...

One, two, three.

There you go. Does that work?

- Yes. - Okay.

Thanks for the extra film, Noah.

Oh, it's my pleasure.

There's not enough pictures of you two on our fridge as it is.

Gross.

Okay, well, then you can leave.

Hey, make sure you get everything.

- I did. Bye, Noah. -All right.

Bye.

So, you want me to, uh, stick around?

Uh, no, it's okay.

I have to help Brooke with her math homework,

and Cameron is actually home for once.

What?

Yeah, and we all know that he's not a huge fan

of the babysitter's boyfriend.

I'm not wearing my bulletproof vest.

I should get out of here.

You have to wait up for me, though.

I would wait for you 'til 4:00 in the morning.

Okay, so I'll wake you up when I get back?

Yes, please. Yeah.

I'll see you really soon.

I'll see you so soon.

You want some ice cream?

Sure.

Delicious ice cream? Sure. I guess.

You're so funny. You make me laugh. Thank you.

You know it was a lot easier to cheer you up

when you were little.

Whatever.

Can you stay over tonight?

I really have to get back tonight.

It's my anniversary.

♪ Pictures of people you follow ♪

Does he go down on you?

What?!

How do you know about going down?

Candace says that if a guy goes down on you

and posts about you online, then he's boyfriend material.

Wow.

Noah posts about you on his stories a lot.

Yeah. Yes. Yeah, he does.

That's actually pretty insightful of Candace.

She's not wrong.

Okay, new conversation topic.

We've never-- We've never done this before.

Oh.

Are you good on your ice cream?

Mm-hm.

Okay. I have to go.

And you absolutely need to go to bed.

It is so late.

Okay, watch. I'm going to get this all in one.

Yes, there we go.

Go it. Goodnight.

Please go to bed, okay?

Love you.

Love you, too.

Please stop.

Cameron?

Cameron, are you okay?

Here. It's a beer.

Oh, I was just checking to make sure you were okay.

Um, I have to go soon.

- Brooke's asleep, so-- - Why wouldn't I be okay?

Because you're... kind of drunk.

I'm still your boss.

You can't talk to me that way.

Okay. Sorry.

Um, I'm just going to finish up the dishes, and then go--

Just...

I actually need to talk to you.

Okay.

What's up?

So...

...I've been watching more of your stuff...

online,

and I take it back.

You take what back?

That you're not funny.

You're actually funny.

- I'm actually funny? - Mm-hmm.

Wow. Well, thank you, Cameron.

That means a lot coming from someone as riveting as you.

Your special, you said...

"It's weird, 'cause I like cops."

Yeah, but then the punch line was,

"I'm more partial to firefighters."

No. That's not what I remember.

Okay. Well...

I'm sorry to disappoint you, officer, but...

Hmm.

...I'm going to go.

Not...

if I arrest you...

young lady.

Okay.

Well, I can talk my way out of most tickets,

so I'm going to go now, Mr. Renner.

Just don't...

"Mr. Renner."

It's Cameron.

Really?

It's fine. It's okay. I'm sorry.

I think it was just a misunderstanding.

I'm just going to go. We don't-- We can just forget about this.

I'm going to--

It's role play.

I've seen your show, and I know you like it.

All right?

You scream and I'll arrest you.

Are you serious? You're going to wake--

You can't resist an officer.

You have to comply,

and I know you like handcuffs.

Are you serious? This is ridiculous.

This is-- You're just-- You're, like--

I'm not ridiculous.

- Okay. I'm going to go. - Wait. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whoa.

Oh, my God. Please stop. Fuck.

It's fine. It's fine.

Hey. Just look at me. It's fine.

It's fine. Just look at me.

Look at me.

Look at me.

Brooke? Brooke?

You need to get up now.

♪ I was forced

♪ To breathe on purpose

♪ One, two, three, four five, six ♪

♪ One, two, three four, five, six ♪

♪ Metal is healing

♪ Sometimes the beast needs feeding ♪

♪ Ride with me Valkyrie

♪ Slay all those fuckers

♪ That have hurt you in the past ♪

♪ Oh, he did me so bad

♪ And every time I think of how you laugh ♪

♪ Oh, it gets me so bad ♪

♪ Hey, man, what you doing? ♪

♪ Come on back I need you moving ♪

♪ Said, hey, man what you doing? ♪

♪ Come on back I need you moving ♪

♪ I am sore

♪ And I am melted

♪ Chaos reigns

♪ All is permitted

♪ Ride with me Valkyrie ♪

♪ Slay all those fuckers ♪

♪ At that party from way back ♪

♪ Oh, it did me so bad ♪

Brooke?

Brooke.

Why are you here?

Who lives here?

- I do. - Who else lives here, Brooke?

Nathan and his brother.

How do you know Nathan?

I met him with Candace.

Oh, that fucking idiot.

Did Nathan give you drugs? What are you on?

I just smoked pot. A teener.

- It's-- - Holy shit. Is that meth?

Or oxy? What the hell are teens doing these days?

I'm just chilled out, Sam. Why are you even here?

Because I'm worried about you.

Your whole family is worried about you.

No, you're not.

Yes, I am.

Of course I am. Come on!

That's ridiculous. We're going, okay?

- No. I don't want to. - Yes, Brooke.

Yo.

Who are you?

I'm Tiff.

All right, Tiff.

You shouldn't be here, okay?

Have you seen the news?

Do you know that Brooke is considered missing?

Brooke's not missing anything, all right?

You know what? Get out of my house.

Not without Brooke. Come on.

I don't want to go.

See? Brooke doesn't want to leave, either, all right?

We're having a lot of fun here.

How old are you?

Are you 18?

Yeah. So what if I am?

Well, did you know that the little girl

you've been feeding God-knows-what to

is 14 years old?

- Sam, stop. -Whatever.

She's taller than you are.

Okay? Plus, she told me that she was, uh, 16, so--

Yeah? Well, last year, she was in a one-piece snowsuit.

Wait a second.

I know exactly who you are.

You're the little bitch

that got Brooke's dad locked up in the first place.

Don't you fucking dare call me a little bitch!

Stop it!

Come on, Tiffer. An apple?

You got to come packing a little more than that.

- Get up, Brooke. Let's go. - I am!

- Ow! - Sam, stop it! Stop.

And I took Krav Maga on my ClassPass

three times last year, so do not fuck with me!

I'll kill you.

No, Nathan. If I ever see you come near Brooke again,

I will come to your shitty, smelly house,

and I will kill you!

-Stop! - Let's go.

- Stop! - Go.

- Oh, my God! Come on!

Brooke?

It's Sam. It's...

You're in my hotel, or--

This is definitely a motel, but...

I got you out of that house.

You kidnapped me?

Kidnapped you? Brooke, you're a missing person.

I found you, okay? I'm a hero.

I don't need your help, Sam, okay?

What is it with you kidnapping me from all these places?

They're literally my friends. Jesus.

- Okay. - Oh, God.

I looked up what a teener was

on Urban Dictionary, okay?

You're in big shit.

- Shut up. - You're smarter than that.

Sam [sighing]: Okay. Maybe not.

Here you go.

Did any of those guys make you do stuff with them?

What?

Did any of them pressure you into doing stuff

that you didn't want to do?

I'm not talking to you about any of that, Sam.

Okay, well, Nathan is 18,

so "any of that" is technically illegal.

I turn 15 in two weeks, Sam.

Who cares if I made out with him?

I don't know. I feel like a lot of people would care.

Nathan is nice, okay?

He didn't do anything wrong.

Brooke--

And neither did my dad, you freak.

- Brooke. - Freak!

Brooke, your father did do something wrong.

No, he did not. Do not say that.

I know that it's hard to understand,

but there was evidence.

It is not hard to understand, Sam.

I've read all the articles, okay?

- Oh, the articles? By who? - Yes.

Jordan Peterson? All the men's rights activists?

- I hate you!

You didn't have to ruin our lives!

I didn't do anything wrong!

You know I didn't do anything wrong.

You did do something wrong, Sam.

Brooke, what did I do?

- My life was ruined! - Your life?

- Yes. - Your life?!

Yes! I can't eat. I can't sleep.

- I can't go online. - Fuck you!

I don't want kids. I don't want Noah.

Fuck you. Fuck you!

I'm not funny anymore, Brooke. Okay?

I'm not funny anymore. Why would I have wanted that?

I don't know!

Then what could I have possibly done to you, huh?

What did I do to you?

You left!

You left.

Even if he did do it, you shouldn't have left me, Sam.

I'm sorry, Brooke.

I'm here, okay.

I'm here.

♪ Somewhere in Germany

♪ But I can't place it

♪ Man, I hate this part of Texas ♪

♪ Close my eyes, fantasize ♪

♪ Three clicks and I'm home ♪

♪ When I get back I'll lay around ♪

♪ Then I'll get up and lay back down ♪

♪ Romanticize a quiet life ♪

♪ There's no place like my room ♪

Okay.

♪ But you had to go

♪ I know, I know, I know ♪

♪ Like a wave that crashed

♪ And melted on the shore

♪ Not even the burnouts... ♪

So, how do I know that you're not going to run away again?

Because if you promise to not tell my aunt about the drugs,

I promise to stay there.

No deal, Brooke.

I only did it once, okay? Really.

Yeah. Okay, Brooke.

And were you hiding it inside your body, too?

For a friend?

Okay, fine.

But I do promise I will never do that again.

It made me feel like shit.

It's the least glamorous drug.

It literally comes out of your skin.

I didn't know what it was.

I thought it was just weed, Sam.

Okay. I mean, it truly changes

the shape of your nose and your face bones.

Sam, okay.

When we get to somewhere with good Wi-Fi,

I'm showing you before-and-after pics.

Okay.

Sam, there's one more thing

if I'm going to let you turn me in.

So, you're bargaining now?

♪ ...Go down with my hometown in a tornado ♪

♪ I'm going to chase it

♪ I know, I know, I know ♪

♪ I got to go now

♪ I know, I know, I know ♪

♪ Driving out into the sun... ♪

Well, we all know why we came here tonight.

Here with her new hour,

she is traumatized but funny as hell.

Put your hands together for Sam Cowell!

♪ Ended up with a pair of cracked lips ♪

Wow! Oh!

♪ Windows down, scream along ♪

♪ To some America First rap-country song ♪

Um, hi, everybody. I'm Sam.

And tonight, I'm going to tell a rape joke.

So, um, my ex-boyfriend

will not stop making my rape about him.

He has an identical hour.

Same material, right after this.

He's, like, "Please tell them to stay for the next show."

So, if you're, like,

"I kind of need this, but from a male perspective,"

hang out.

♪ It's a government drone or an alien spaceship ♪

♪ Either way, we're not alone ♪

♪ I'll find a new place to be from ♪

♪ A haunted house with a picket fence ♪

♪ To float around and ghost my friends ♪

♪ No, I'm not afraid to disappear ♪

♪ The billboard said "The end is near" ♪

♪ I turned around there was nothing there ♪

♪ Yeah I guess the end is here ♪

♪ The end is here

♪ The end is here

♪ The end is here

♪ The end is here