Original subtitles

Hey, you, get the hell out of there.

It is an honor and a privilege to present to you

the gentleman from whose generosity this center came to be.

Ladies and gentlemen, Jack Gardner.

Uh… I am thrilled to be part of this wonderful project, dedicated to fun…

…and for the better education of children…

…to developing their creativity and artistic skills

and to create for them an atmosphere of joy and hope,

a positive place for…

…a positive place for a child to grow.

Oh… Thank you.

Hello, Mama? It's me, Valerie.

How are you?

Your cold, is it gone?

I'm so glad.

I'm great.

I'm meeting wonderful people, and…

I found this really great apartment, and I'm eating good.

Don't worry about me, Mama.

I have nowhere to go but up.

I give it a real good sweep, twice a day, morning and afternoon.

I live right there down the street.

I have my own broom.

Ten dollars.

And I can use your bathroom to brush my teeth and clear up.

All right.

A shower?

Oh no, no, no. No shower.

Five bucks, and that's my last offer.

Seven, deal.

♪ When the moon is showing, showing ♪

♪ When the sun is glowing, glowing ♪

♪ When the wind is blowing, blowing ♪

♪ I know where I'm going, going ♪

♪ Yes, baby, all the way to the top ♪

Jack, why don't you get your act together? The clock is ticking.

Now you're 30. Tomorrow, you're 65,

and what have you accomplished in the meantime?

Zilch! And why?

Because you're not willing to be a little bit commercial

just to get back in the race. Forget your impotence.

Irene, I'm blocked. I have nothing left to say.

It's like the muses had gone and left no forwarding address.

For five years and three months? Get unblocked.

You're pissing away your future!

I don't mind. You know, New York is sunny.

Women don't wear too much clothing.

Is it still Beatrix?

No, no.

No.

I'm totally over that.

Who cares? I mean why did you crawl all the way to the top to get blocked for?

I mean, write something, anything honey.

Kids are the market. Kids are dumb fucks.

Reduce yourself to writing a Disney movie.

-I don't know. -You want Beatrix back?

You write yourself a hit movie, and she'll be crawling back like the bitch she is.

I don’t want to do anything…

like, not unless it’s something simple,

meaningful, unpretentious, you know?

Like that… that girl sweeping the street over there, you know?

Look at that little miserable creature over there.

You know, there is money in worthwhile and unpretentious,

and that magazine you're publishing and financing is a waste.

Not to mention your ridiculous donations.

I mean, you're not running for president. Why donate?

I'm not starving. So why not help?

Well, by my calculation, you'll be starving soon, as the rate you are going.

Excuse me. Could I please have your autograph?

Oh, sure.

-Is it… -Mimi.

Mimi? OK. Is that one "m", not two? OK.

Whatever you say.

I am managing a person who wants to be a flop. This is insane.

Thank you.

That's mine.

And the panties too.

And the pajama

and the stockings.

Really?

Beatrix Shultz.

Need cleaning lady. Tribeca.

-Excuse me? -Sorry, what are you? A Peeping Tom?

Yes, no, yeah, I know how quickly you get forgotten in Hollywood.

The minute I have something, we'll give you a holler.

OK, yep, no, I appreciate your interest.

Yeah. OK. Bye-bye.

OK,

let's take another look at you.

No, nothing.

Hello?

Who is it?

Oh. No.

No, I'm sorry. I can't make another donation.

Didn't I give you 10,000 six months ago?

Do… Do you have it in your computer?

OK. Can you… Can you take me off the list on the computer?

For the rest of the year?

Yeah, thank you.

OK. No, I just can't afford it right now.

Next?

Yeah, Zah-Zah Shultz, that's me.

I can also sing and dance. I'm basically very versatile.

Do want to see a little?

- ♪ I go through… ♪ - We will let you know.

We do have your phone number, don't we?

Yeah, but I give it to you again.

9-1-7-7-6-7-8-9-8-5.

Then that's it.

That's it? You only took my name and number.

Don't you want to see me do something?

That will come later. Thank you.

Um…

I will give this to the other actors.

Water?

Eddie, take the day off.

If I need to go anywhere, I'm going to take a taxicab.

Yeah, you sure, boss?

Don't call me boss. You're the one who wants to be a driver.

We both know who's boss here.

You got it, Jack. You know, you should get laid or something. You look pale.

I've been pale for the past five years. Maybe you should get laid.

I do, all the time… especially in this car.

What can I get you, babe?

Ah… I'm going to have the usual.

Coming right up.

You're one of my heroes, you know?

I tell everybody I know you, and they're very impressed.

Oh. Thank you. I appreciate that.

- Gesundheit! - Yeah, thank you.

Impossible to concentrate here,

with people sneezing in the middle of the summer.

Are you going to order anything or what?

In a minute.

You can't sit here and not order for hours. It's a new millennium.

You have to order within the same calendar year as your arrival, fraulein!

How about that lovely bubbly water they catch in France

that comes in this strange green bottle with strange green label…

What's it called?

-Perrier. -Yes!

I'll have a seltzer, all right?

Waiter? I'll skip the seltzer.

Fucking immigrant parasite!

One thing you should know about New York City:

it's a jungle! Dog eat dog!

I'm not a dog. I'm a cat. Not just a cat…

a lioness! And if this is jungle, I'm at home!

Oh.

Oh. I'm sorry. Are you all right?

"Never swallow, always spit." That's my motto.

Uh, I'm Sparkle.

Nice to meet you, too.

I'm Greta Garbonsky.

Nice to meet you too. Are you new on the street, or…

Yeah.

-New here altogether. -Oh.

The street is good for me, though.

Because you know, hotel rates are…

out of the question.

‎ I know.

I have to keep moving all the time.

Got to be on the go.

-Bye. -Oh.

Bye.

"I see you boys of summer in your ruin…"

What are you doing?

It said, prepare a monologue. I'm doing Dylan Thomas with a Danish accent.

I know he was Welsh, but I prefer Danish accent because of Hamlet.

A Danish or a pretzel? At Magic Land Productions, we don't do Bob Dylan.

Freezing my ass off…

For art.

‎

"She stood bare-assed by the sidewalk,

her short, funky hair blowing in the cool autumn breeze,

worthless creature, with no future and a questionable past.

The kind of creature that

degenerates our streets to the level of a…

Third World burg."

No…

I'm going to write a commercial movie.

I'm going to write a commercial. I'm going to write a commercial shmomercial shovie.

"Where blew a flower May a flower no more

Lift its head to the blows of the rain"

"Though they be mad And dead as nails

Heads of the characters Hammer through daisies

Break in the sun Till the sun breaks down

And Death shall have no dominion

And Death shall have no dominion"

This is a residential building. Get lost!

Yeah, sure…

Hello, this is Zah-Zah Shultz…

I'm an actress. I saw the ad…

No, I'm trained in most methods--

Get off this stoop! Go away!

All right, all right, calm down.

I was just getting a bite, cooling my heels,

schmoozing.

I know your type.

What's my type? Look who's talking!

You are the one looks kind of weird!

So be a little…

Humble, humble… You don't own this house, you know?

But I do.

Idea for a scene, um… girl eating a slice of pizza,

talking in a strange accent, quoting Dylan Thomas…

Need rest of story…

Maybe she says, "Death shall have no dominion",

is hit by a garbage truck, falls into a trash can and croaks.

Some symbolism there, perhaps?

No.

Not Hollywood enough. Too deep.

In.

Out.

Then you hold one nostril,

breathe through the other, and exhale through the mouth.

Huh! Huh! Huh! Huh!

Huh! Huh! Huh! Huh!

Project!

Huh!

- Huh! - Hm.

Half an hour every day.

You have to loosen the vocal cords.

You have to start learning to speak from scratch, like a baby…

if you want to lose that French accent.

I do. Meanwhile I cover my French accent with a Swedish one.

Why?

I love Greta Garbo.

My favorite is Arnold Schwarzenegger.

"I'll be back!"

Oh well. Let's continue.

Huh!

Huh!

Huh! Huh! Huh!

-Can I help you? -Here to see Mrs. Shultz. I'm Val.

Use the back elevator, 7J.

Oh.

Um…

These letters of recommendation are very impressive.

Of course, they're all from European people.

The Baron von Opel?

The Duke of Gstaadt?

Is there a Duke of Gstaadt?

Well, never mind.

The question is, can you clean a toilet?

I certainly can.

‎ ‎I am a wonderful toilet cleaner.

OK.

Let's take a ride with the devil.

Just remember, I never give anyone a second chance.

I'll be home around six, so slam the door behind you, gently.

Will do.

Don't bother to steal the Renoirs.

They're insured, and they're fake.

♪ Just like I love it ♪

♪ Just like I love it ♪

♪ Shining white, shining white ♪

♪ Shining bright, shining bright ♪

-Hello. -Beatrix, it's Jack. Um…

I was thinking of you.

Um,

and I get all hot and sweaty when I'm thinking about your nipples.

This is not Beatrix. It's Val.

‎No sweaty nipples.

Val? Are you a relative?

Um, relatively the cleaning lady.

‎

Thank you. Have a nice day.

Yeah, you too.

Who was that? Some kind of a hippie?

That cleaning lady in 7J.

Really? She was cute.

Eh. You know something, Benito, cleaning women are all the same.

They stink of detergent and garlic and sweat.

Cleaning women and cooks, you stay away from them. They don't smell good.

They don't fuck good. They embarrass you if you take them out or anything.

That's a lot of horseshit, Kareem.

And if you ask me,

I still say she was cute.

I'll go jerk off in the basement. Be back in two shakes.

Touché.

Can I buy you lunch after school?

After school, I clean the classroom.

And after that?

After that, I clean the ear piercing salon and an apartment…

-…and a church. -And then?

And then I rehearse and go to sleep.

Ahhhh… ahhhh… mmmm

‎

Hey!

Mmmm…

Hey!

Hey, can you go fornicate somewhere else?

Ahhh…

Huh! Huh! Huh! Huh! Huh! Huh!

‎ Enough for tonight.

-Ready? -Yeah, I'll have the special.

Mashed potatoes or fries?

Fries.

Will there be anything else?

Can you take that back and bring me a new order of French Fries please?

Why? Because you're French?

No. Because I saw a live insect in there.

Oh my God. I'm terribly sorry, madam. I'll be right back.

New fries!

You are very hot, aren't you?

Oh my God. It's like a steam room in there.

Plus, you know something? I'm really hot naturally.

‎-I'm like a stove. ‎-

I'll get your fries now.

Thank you.

Hey, got you another order of Coke. It's on the house.

You could have got me fired.

What's your name?

Edna.

I'm Val. It's short for Valnerable, not for Valerie.

Vulnerable is spelled with a "u". Anything else you need to know?

Hm… Give me the check.

It comes to 9.29 plus tax.

I guess with the insect and shit, I don't get a tip, huh?

No, sure you do.

OK, $10.58, with tax.

You know what, forget it…

No. Keep the change.

Oh wow, thanks, gee.

Hey, I have a good idea.

Why don't you give me your phone number,

so that way if I have a poetry reading or something then,

you know, I could give you a call.

Cool.

♪ I sweat too much, I know it ♪

♪ If you want my juice, just squeeze me ♪

♪ It comes pouring all at once ♪

♪ My perfume is mandatory ♪

♪ From my nose down to my toes ♪

♪ I don't need an Eskimo to remind me ♪

♪ That I'm naturally hot! ♪

Now, where were we?

Hello?

What?

Oh, nein, nein…

I will meet you on the corner from mein house,

in… thirty minuten.

Excuse me, do you mind if I use the ladies room?

Sure.

Thank you.

"A cellphone rings, shattering the silence,

‎the girl inside her sleeping bags ‎awakes at once…"

Robert De Niro comes here a lot.

Really? You are not shitting me, are you?

Oh, no.

I loved The Schweggen Holfer.

It's Scweggen Holfer.

Oh. I mean the Deer Hunter.

Deer Hunter, yes, that was a great flick. Bobby's a good friend of mine.

Can I get you another drink?

Nein, thank you so much.

I have to get up in the morning.

Nora's nights are hard to bear…

I love you, baby. I love you, I love you, I love you!

I want to have your baby, now!

It the only thing I live for.

May I disrobe?

Touch my heart, please, my darling,

see how I shake inside.

How you know, I love this part of Nora.

I think I can do it so well if I get this chance.

It's not easy going with an unknown.

It's risky.

But I love risky things.

Every great star was once unknown waitress.

I really have to go now.

I'll at least walk you to the house.

This is really not necessary.

I know it's not necessary, but I'd like to be a gentleman. It's the least I can do…

is walk you home.

Good evening, ma'am.

You look wonderful tonight, as usual.

Thank you.

Benito is always at your service.

Benito, good night.

Good night.

Aren't you a director of karate films?

I saw you on a talk show on some cable TV station, a sex channel.

No, no, no, no. I do big Hollywood dramas,

like Gone with the Wind, The Sound of Music, more updated.

Romantic comedies.

I can get you a picture and resume.

I was the kick boxing welterweight champion of Thessaloniki.

Easy, take it easy.

Excuse me.

Yes?

Didn't I ask you not to sit on this stoop?

What's your problem?

I'll tell you. I don't like drugged-out hookers sitting on my steps.

Oh, I see. Why not?

Look, I'm not going to have this discussion with you.

You want me to call the cops, I'll do it, gladly.

"Gladly."

Why the joy?

Why don't you call the cops sadly?

After all, they'd be taking me to jail.

I'm going, I'm going, all right.

Hello? Who?

Yeah, this is Zah-Zah.

Can I call you back? I'm in the middle of something here.

Oh. Yes, let me have it.

Got it. Thank you. See you later, alligator. Okey dokey. Tschüss.

You want the rest of this water? It's fresh. No?

So long.

And do me a favor.

Don't come sneaking back to sleep underneath my window at night.

This is not a hotel for homeless people.

You should get a job or a sublet or something,

maybe something with a bathroom,

so you don't have to pee in my flowers in the middle of the night.

So you could take a shower once in a while without stinking up the whole street.

May… Oh… Maybe, just do not come back to this stoop!

You really think I'm a hooker? Is that what your problem is?

No. No, no. No.

I know what you are.

You're an actress, which is worse.

You put on some weird accent and some trashy clothes,

and you think the next thing you're going to become is a

‎hotshot movie star overnight.

Well you know what? Forget it honey, 'cause it doesn't happen.

The next thing you'll become is a hooker,

no matter how many copies of Ulysses or Long Day's Journey into Fucking Night

you keep in that shitty little sleeping-bag of yours.

You are a mean person. You have no right to talk to me like that!

You know what? Fuck off! Because I had a rough childhood too.

Mama?

Afraid not.

What happened?

Think you fainted.

What happened to my clothes?

Well, I took them off.

You took off my clothes?

I had to.

You had to? Why? Who forced you to take my damn clothes off?

I wanted you to able to breathe.

I didn't know what was wrong with you.

What did you do?

What did you do to me?

I did nothing to you!

I mean, I took you into my house.

Maybe I'm the one who should call the cops.

I have to check if I'm still virgin.

Please.

This is a pretty messed up apartment.

What happened to you? Your wife threw you out?

Your sleeping bag is by the door.

I see it.

Why do you work so hard at something that's so meaningless?

Being an actress.

I mean, it's not like you're curing cancer or something.

I've promised my mother that I'll be a star,

that she'll be able to see every night,

in the sky, even when she's dead.

You see, my mother never left our village in France.

She couldn't read or write.

Movies were her only entertainment.

She always told me that she would live, through me.

Oh, I get it.

You were looking for needle marks.

You checked my arms and my legs, right?

So, what did you find, Sherlock?

Nothing.

I mean, you could put on a few pounds, but…

No kidding. You make me sick, you know.

You wimpy, limpy, weirdo.

You know, why don't you just go?

Love to.

I'm going, all right?

Does… Does this happen to you often?

No. This was a first.

Well… Um… If you…

I mean, if you need a couple dollars, just to get you through the day.

Here. Here, put it in your pocket.

If you haven't gotten what you wanted out of me by now, mister,

you are never going to get it.

You had your chance when I was in a coma.

You know what… Fuck it, forget it!

And good luck, with the rest of your worthless little life.

Thank you.

Merde! Motherfucker.

And my wife did throw me out,

not before she took up with some real estate guy from New Jersey.

He got my apartment in Tribeca and everything.

And I thought we had something going on forever.

I never figured her for the super ambitious, ballbusting, arrogant,

uh… nymphomaniac that she turned out to be.

I mean, that just shows you how fucking smart I am.

And thank you for your interest in my heartaches!

She represents everything I despise. She's…

a pushy, common, irrationally optimistic,

unhygienic, unprofessional, too young.

She's always smiling, but in like a…

A… A beautiful, funny smile, but meaningless.

She's smart but in…

impractical ways.

She's irritatingly chipper, but…

She doesn't sound so terrible, Jack.

Well, it's because I'm not describing her correctly. Um…

She's not like any other woman I've met before.

No, you know what? Actually, the result would be the same.

She would break my heart, and nothing would come of it.

Can I help you?

Excuse me, Ms.?

You decided not to give me the part of Nora?

It was a tough call.

You got someone really famous?

No, in the end, we decided to go with someone relatively unknown.

She's done a couple of films, three porno flicks in Ottawa.

Then why?

Truthfully? She gives terrific blowjobs.

What is blowjob?

Is it the same as nose job?

No.

We signed her this morning.

But look, Val, I'm sure there's some small but exciting part

that I can dig up.

Just be a little nicer to me.

‎

"Black screen as night turns into dawn. Hard Cut.

50 fighter jets appear over the skyline of Manhattan.

A thundering of jets overhead turns into the horrible sound of bombs exploding,

buildings collapsing, people screaming.

Hard Cut. Johnny and Brenda make love in his bedroom.

She is the most beautiful girl in the world.

He is virile and masculine, scarred by his many previous combat experiences…

'I will always love you, Johnny', she murmurs.

Her neck splashes wide open from a direct mortar hit.

The radio on the floor suddenly starts playing 'Only the Good Die Young',

finally bringing Johnny out of his sleep.

He sits up on the bed, and then the whole room explodes around him,

giving him a split-second to duck out the window,

20 stories high."

So far, so good.

Hey.

How can I help you?

Ah…

-Do you… -The roses are beautiful.

‎The red ones, fresh. You like?

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, I like.

Let me get them for you.

-Oh, no, no. -Anything else?

No. Uh, no. No, thank you.

For you, twenty-five bucks.

OK, all right, sure.

Actually,

you… you know the girl that used to sweep for you around here?

Ah… French accent…

She disappeared. I know other sweeps if you're interested.

-No. -Not as cute, not as cheap.

Not nearly as cute.

All right.

Hi, excuse me.

You want to go on a date?

Oh, no, no, no. Did you, have you by any chance seen,

there's a girl that sleeps on the corner on Tenth Street?

Oh yeah, actually, I know her.

-Oh yeah? -Yeah.

-You seen her lately, by any chance? -No.

OK, all right, thanks a lot.

Wh… Why?

You… You like her better than me or something?

Oh, no, no.

It's like a work thing, so… thank you.

Oh, Val, still here?

Oh, I was just about done. I'll be out in five minutes.

Hello?

You can't keep calling here like this, baby.

I… no… I… It's been five years, and…

I got company.

Get a life, honey. I'm… you know…

Get another wife, write another screenplay.

OK, bye.

Um…

Do you want something to…

drink, Luke?

Hm… Maybe a touch of Scotch.

Oh yes, me too with a twist of lime, please.

Um… I mean, I'll get it.

How do you take it?

Ice, no water.

This is quite outrageous.

Your job, Val, is to clean my apartment, not receive my guests.

Now, please leave. It was four hours, right?

-Look, Beatrix-- -Ms. Shultz. Ms. Shultz to you.

Baron von Opel has never heard of you. I called Germany.

Ms. Shultz is fine.

I need this job, honestly.

Well, that's tough, 'cause you just lost it.

Now get out.

Now, was that necessary? She didn't mean anything bad.

Listen, Luke,

I expect you to back me up. I expect you to give me support.

I mean, I do not expect you, for instance, to…

flirt with the help or contradict me when I try to put them in their place.

Take it easy, all right?

You are flying a little bit off the handle here.

You thought she was sexy, didn't you?

Goodbye, Benito. Thanks for everything.

Oh, not at all. I'll see you next week, Val.

I don't think so.

I've been kicked out on my ass.

Bye.

Wait a minute!

You have a good day, ma'am.

Come and see us sometime.

Faster! Faster!

-Wait! -Can't hear you!

We have things to discuss!

-What? -We have things to discuss!

My name is Jack Gardner.

Meanwhile, I've been writing a manuscript around you.

Fish out of water, but you know, like with a sunny disposition.

What do you want, Jack?

Well, I need more material.

Where do you come from? Who are you?

I'm French.

I come from a small town.

It's really more like a village,

and my family has lived there for generations,

but I had dreams.

Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait. Hold on one second. Let me actually…

Let me write this down.

Yeah.

OK.

Small town…

French…

Dreams…

I've no time to waste.

I came here to do something, not to be joke material for you.

Wait, wait, wait! No, no, wait. No, look, you've just started. Look, I need more!

Oh, I see.

What?

You're in love with me.

You follow me around all the time. You write notes about me.

You insult me. You kick me away. You go looking for me.

You love me.

You're crazy.

Really?

You love me.

That's not true.

I love my ex-wife.

Good.

Because I can't stand you! So fuck off! I had a rough childhood too!

"Once

When the night opened her thighs

And swallowed me, like a canary

I felt pierced

By the complicity of the stars

Once

When I stepped on a bug by accident

I was thrilled

By the blue, black Iridescence of insect death"

Well,

I spent a good chunk of time in jail, six years,

for armed robbery.

And I was in this jail cell with five other guys

because nobody noticed I was a girl.

And at that point, I wasn't about to tell them.

That's when they put me in a psychiatric ward for a month for observation.

Afterwards, they released me into the Commonwealth of Los Angeles.

Anyhow,

while I was there, I developed a major crush on this cute little nurse, who…

…as it turned out, was illiterate and had a blond mustache she called Fred.

Anyhow, I was writing her all these love poems,

and somehow, these poems found their way to the Psychotic Weekly,

and that, in a nutshell, is how I got started.

Shut up already and go fucky-fucky elsewhere!

Hey, go fucky-fucky yourself.

‎Philistines.

Come on, sweetheart. Let's get out of here.

No, no, I just finished the opening sequence.

Like, twenty pages.

Good stuff, yeah.

Hey, you know what? I get these bacterial things on my ass.

They're really hard to get rid of, especially in the summertime.

Hm…

Hey, so is everything all right?

-Great. -Yeah?

Are you sure it's OK?

Yeah, you know what? I could use somebody to split the rent with.

So how much can you handle? Like five hundred a month?

Um… Two hundred? Two… Two hundred?

Twenty?

Done. OK.

Yes. Yes. Ah…

- Take me home, big boy! - Ah…

Mamma wants it now.

Hello? Hello?

Oh, yes, yes. Oh, baby, yes!

Fuck me. Fuck me. Fuck me.

Fuck the fuck out of me, Mr. Rudolph!

Oh, fuck me.

Val? Is that you?

Yeah.

Oh, I'm sorry I disturbed you.

Can you come here for a minute?

No, no, I'm fine.

Val… Val, please.

There's no one here. I, um…

I talk in my sleep.

Like, I think that someone is screwing me, and then I start to scream.

You're not going to leave me, are you?

No, are you kidding?

You can talk in your dreams all you want. I don't care.

All I care about is getting a break.

Oh, I see.

Hello.

Val, how are you?

I'm all right. And you, Sparkle?

Uh… same old, same old. You know, different day, same shit.

What's the name of the dog?

Knish.

Um, Val… so you're a struggling actress, too, right?

Mm.

-Ah, well, yes, as a matter of fact, I am. -Yeah.

Hi.

Sister girl.

Have you gotten any acting gigs yet?

Not a whole bunch, but…

Not really. Oh!

But I will… Oh, sorry, Knish.

It's OK.

'Cause we're really interested in acting.

I… we are.

OK.

You sure you did this before?

Yeah, I good Chinese cook.

Substantial portions of the film be will played

with some nudity on the part of Bridget.

How much nudity?

Frontal and back.

Are you kidding?

Not at all. All great actresses do nudity these days.

That's not true.

It started decades ago. Barbra Streisand, Meryl Streep,

Michelle Pfeiffer, Julia Roberts. They all started as porn actresses.

Never. This is a monologue,

She's… she's in the kitchen by herself,

doing the dishes.

Naked! Look, Art, can we get the next actress in here please?

Let's talk privately, Val.

I knew you when your name was still Zah-Zah.

-I can explain that. -That's not my point.

My point is, this is a tough racket.

Someone offers you an opportunity, you grab it.

All you need is one good part in a hit movie, you can write your own ticket.

Tell them all to go screw themselves.

But until that time,

you kiss anybody's feet and say "thank you".

She was 92 when she kicked the bucket,

16 years ago, my grandmother Sefka.

But I still remember her as if it was yesterday.

Cupcakes…

…was her nickname in her youth

because she wore a size D-8 brassiere

and was the favorite pin-up girl of Air Force pilots

from her hometown in Lincoln, Illinois,

when they went on their bombing missions in World War II,

across the Atlantic.

They had her image before their eyes

when they bombed the Fuehrer in the bunker.

Esmeralda! Esmeralda!

Esmeralda! Esmeralda! Where are you?

Woah, hey, hey, Val. Woah, sorry.

Hey, um…

I wanted to tell you…

Well, first of all, I don't love you.

That was a ridiculous and arrogant statement for you to make.

-So, secondly… -I've no time!

Don't. Wait, wait. Sorry. Sorry.

I keep touching your hunch, um…

My point is, is that you, you do have something.

Um… What that is or how it can possibly be useful, I don't know,

but you should stick with it,

no matter what.

Anything else?

No.

You fired.

I'm fired. Why?

Because you late.

I'm late because I had an audition for The Hunchback of Notre Dame.

Did you get it?

No. I wasn't hunched enough.

I sorry. You nice girl. But you still fired.

Why?

Because customer complain. Egg roll too mushy.

Shit.

This is not exactly the script we talked about.

This isn't exactly the grand epic of the destruction

and resurrection of New York, is it?

Or did I blink?

Very well…

Well, I, uh…

But I thought that…

I love it! It's funny!

It's brilliant! It is better than the destruction of New York by aliens.

When did you suddenly become such a romantic?

Oh, no, it's nothing like that.

Do you remember when we first met, Jack?

I was still in my 30's, and you were, what, a high school kid?

I knew you had it in you.

Didn't I?

Didn't I?

Yeah.

Tooto nono shmono productivimo fuckivimo.

Oh my God.

I love la bellesimo Español so much.

It just gets me wet every time. Vino?

-Si? -Si.

Oh. Sorry.

You can just lick that off the table if you want.

"Once, when the canary opened her legs

Spread her thighs, she felt pierced By the erection of the stars"

God, Ms. Raunchy.

"She felt pierced, she felt pierced She felt pierced by that star

She said, 'Hey, come on, daddy

Give me your cigar'"

"Come on, give me your cigar"

"She said, 'Hey, hunky daddy I'll be waiting in the car

Hey, hunky daddy I'll be waiting in the car'''

"Come on, give me your cigar"

- Woo! - "Just give me your cigar"

Oh my God. You are one crazy chick.

That was fun.

Oh my God.

I have to go to bed.

Yeah. Let's, let's, let's, let's…

We both had too much to drink.

Um, I'll, ah, hit the bathroom.

Yeah, well, OK. Don't hit it too hard.

It's not you. It's me. I all of a sudden turned gay.

Have been here three weeks and…

I haven't gotten anywhere.

This is not going to work.

Thanks for everything.

Time to go, dear.

Time to go.

Park closes at dusk.

This material looks very promising.

‎

And the girl is hysterical.

And once you have the book deal and the paperback,

we can start talking concretely about the film.

Nuts and bolts.

It can be a powerful vehicle for one of our upcoming stars.

I flew here from the Coast, Mr. Gardner.

That shows you we are plenty interested.

Your previous screenplay was such a jewel.

So, what have you been doing with yourself?

Hey, none of my business. An artist can be a recluse, a faggot, whatever.

All geniuses are lunatics, right?

This is the story of Cinderella

and her two step-sisters,

who were mean to her

because they were jealous.

Oops, I dropped something.

-Yeah, me too. -Clean it up.

Cinderella, where'd you get that ugly dress?

Yeah, you look so ugly.

Yeah, and stupid too.

What's your problem Cinderella, do you hear me?

-Hm? -Huh?

Cinderella tried to hide from them.

-Hey, Cinderella! -Come back here.

They're after me. Where should I go?

That way!

Thank you.

And she dreamed of a happy and glorious future

when the clouds are gone and the sun is glowing,

when her handsome prince would come.

You two were really wonderful.

It's a tough gig for zero bucks.

Usually I prefer like Shakespeare, you know, or like Bertold Brecht.

But…

thanks for getting us the chance, Val. It was really fun!

-Yeah. -Yeah.

Bye.

I thought there would be critics.

I thought there would be somebody.

Where are you?

Sit down now.

Thank you for coming.

Some Schnapps?

OK.

I'm sorry about the way I fired you when we last met.

The truth is I was going through a bit of a personal crisis at the time.

That's all right. I have no bad feelings if you don't.

My ex-husband is a lunatic…

But what a mind.

He still calls all the time to talk about my nipple.

He publishes this paper. Jack Gardner?

Jack Gardner?

Yeah.

The one you're having an affair with. My ex.

An affair? No.

I just used to live there on the street, by his house, in his garden.

He threw me out.

Oh.

Well, that's reassuring.

My apartment has been a mess for past three months,

and I want it clean, like it was when you were here,

so, if you will go back to toilet licking and vacuuming the floors,

then you've got yourself a job for fifteen bucks an hour.

Sounds great.

I don't actually lick the toilet, but I get it clean.

Hey.

-Hello, Jack. -Hey.

Ah… May I come in?

‎

Sorry I couldn't do it.

I… enjoyed it. It was good for me. I…

I don't mind oral sex or whatever, manually.

There are a lot of ways to deal with…

Anyway, I…

I am much more open-minded than you think.

And I've changed, Jack, really.

You realize over time that life doesn't always play in bright colors

and blinding lights.

I… I can accept that.

Beatrix,

I still want my life to play in…

bright colors and blinding lights.

What are you saying, Jack?

What about us?

Maybe it's not meant to be.

Strange.

I feel free of you now.

I feel totally lost.

This place is a mess.

Hey, you!

Yes?

I saw the dog snack and the pillow.

No, no, no. That was gourmet food from Balducci's.

That was a Tiffany Taylor pillow.

That pillow came over on the Mayflower.

That is… the only pillow I can sleep on. That's my pillow.

I don't want to be like you.

You're a cynical, bitter, mean…

You don't like yourself. You don't like life.

You're nasty to me.

You are the last person in the world I want to be with.

You have nothing to offer.

Yeah, well, that's not true. I have a lot to offer.

Like what?

Giving up on life?

Beating on weak people? I'll be a big star, and you'll be nothing.

- Come on, shut up! - Yeah!

Keep it down, shut up!

-We're trying to sleep. -Wait a second. I'm coming down.

No, I came to tell you that it's over. Forget it.

Here's the thing. I don't know how you're going to put the movie together,

but there is an article in here that says

you have the right to change, alter, hire additional writers, et cetera.

Well, for two mil plus ten points, yeah, I would say…

It says here that, uh… "after consultation with writer."

Yeah, well… what if we don't agree?

Well,

then they have final say. That's industry standard.

Yeah, see,

I have very specific ideas about this movie,

industry standard or not.

-Sign the contract. -OK.

‎-No arguments. ‎-Why?

Because we want the money!

You need it as same as me. And you need your career back.

I don’t like this.

It makes me angry.

I want final say on the lead actress.

It's a great part.

She pees on the flowers. She talks funny.

They'll get you a sensitive director and a top Hollywood actress. A star!

It's not right for a star.

Look, she's 23. She's fresh. She's hopeful.

I mean, the whole point is she hasn't been corrupted.

‎I mean, maybe she never will be.

It needs a fresh face. It needs…

It needs this one particular actress.

What actress?

Valerie Chipzik.

You walk one step, you're a dead man, Jack.

You are agentless. You will never be hired for anything ever again.

I will forego my fee.

I will forego my points. Everything except for your ten percent.

Talk them into it.

You're good at that.

They'll never go for it.

Or maybe they will.

I am good.

Look at you. You're kind of famous.

What you need, Val, you need management.

Where are you going?

I am going to tender my resignation at all my various places of employment,

and I am going to come back here, and I am going to be your manager.

Come on, come on, come on.

Look, sweetheart, it's going to be strictly business, no romance.

You always read these stories

about how those pretty girls just get discovered one day

by wearing a tight sweater in a drug store or something.

But who discovers them? Big producers go to drug-stores?

I don't see why not. I mean, they have to buy condoms, et cetera, et cetera.

Why not? They have servants doing that.

There's something I've been meaning to tell you.

I don't want to hear it.

It has to do with your career.

Save it.

No, this may be actually important.

Look, Edna, I've listened to you long enough.

You are a crazy person. All you talk is nonsense.

It doesn't add up, but it's not even funny anymore.

I came to New York with high hopes.

High fucking hopes.

And if this is all this city has to offer me,

the company of a lesbo-psychopath like you,

then I'm going back to France gladly,

and thank my stars every minute that

I can be a cocktail waitress and get some tips in peace!

What did you want to tell me?

That woman sitting over there, at that table over there…

She's a very big agent.

Great, good for her.

Do you have a vacancy for a waitress here?

I'm clean and organized and well mannered. I'm calm.

I know it doesn't seem that way right now, but I'm very calm.

I just need to make a few dollars to buy a bus ticket back home.

I don't mind long hours. I come first and leave last,

vacuum the floor, wash the dishes, whatever you need. Blowjobs, no.

Oh. We're not hiring at the moment.

We're going through a slow period right now.

Yeah, me too. Well, I'll do one blowjob a week, with a condom, and no emotions.

That's my last offer.

Excuse me, Ms.?

Talking to me?

Yes, what is your name?

Chipzik.

Chipzik? Are you sure?

I'm very, very excited. I'm so…

How shall I put it? Kaput mit exhiliration.

Knock it off, sweetheart.

The German accent already killed your career once. Don't you ever learn?

It was Swedish.

Let's have a toast.

I have a script here from one of the world's legendary writers.

It's a great script.

It's a long shot because you're an unknown,

‎but I think it fits you like a glove.

I draw my inspiration from Albert Einstein's General Theory of Relativity.

There are no absolutes in the world except for Absolut vodka.

The rest is subjective and totally dependent on the energy you put into it.

Let's go.

♪ I can dream, I can fly ♪

♪ I can still touch the sky ♪

♪ When it seems I might fall down ♪

♪ When it seems no one's around ♪

♪ To pick me up ♪

♪ I can dream ♪

♪ And think of you ♪

♪ Close your eyes ♪

♪ And dream it too ♪

♪ With me ♪

♪ But my life's not complete ♪

♪ With no one to share ♪

♪ Though my heart is full ♪

‎♪ ‎Of hope‎ ♪

Oh… Ah…

And the winner is… Valerie Chipzik.

I want to thank New York

and America for giving me this opportunity.

God! Oh, baby you did it!

Thank you.

-Oh yeah, that was good. -Oh yeah, yeah.

That is my best friend!

Is that really your best friend?

Yeah.

Then I guess a menage a trois is out of the question.

So she wins the Academy Award,

becomes a big, gigantic star overnight, and that's that.

Film won best picture. My screenplay wasn't even nominated.

I got paid nothing. And that's the last I ever heard from Val Chipzik.

Now, do I feel hurt?

No, life is meaningless,

‎and that's a conclusion ‎that I've reached a long time ago.

May I come in?

Yes.

What's this?

Those are things I wrote over the years.

I never really showed them to anybody.

They were for big Hollywood projects.

I had expected more of myself.

I was 17 when I wrote My Life as a Boy.

It became such a big success I thought I must have done something really great.

You did.

No, I told the world how…

my father didn't love my mother

and how she hung herself after shooting him twice in the head.

I saw the movie. It was…

Outstanding.

So, what are you up to now?

Biding my time,

waiting for the post Academy Award offers.

Oh yeah? That's smart, I guess.

What do you want, Jack?

Well…

it feels strange now.

Well, you were my inspiration, so…

I have to ask myself, will I always have to be shaken up

for a limited amount of time in order to

write a screenplay that sells popcorn?

Then go back to being my dreary old self.

Well, I'm glad you can sleep in the Beverly Wilshire Hotel and the Plaza.

I guess it gets pretty cold outside in the wintertime.

I'm not the Plaza type. And I hate LA.

Goodbye, Jack.

You did so much for me.

More than anyone else, ever.

I was just doing what was good for my career.

But you never told me.

Told you what?

That you love me.

Well, that's not an easy thing to say.

So long, Jack.

Bye, Chipzik.

Hello, Mother?

This is me, Valerie.

I just wanted to let you know that I finally did make it.

The role I play is somebody very much like myself.

How is your cold, Mother?

You have to take better care of yourself.

Yes, you do sound much better, but even so,

you mustn't go out at night,

because you can get a chill without even knowing it.

I just want you to take better care of yourself.

Do it for me, Mama.

I'm fine. I'm fine.

Sometimes, at night, I sit outside,

look at the sky and think about you.

I have nowhere to go but up.

But I wouldn't be anything without you.

I couldn't sleep.

Neither could I.

May I?

Yup.

I always wondered what was so special about this garden.

Don't expect too much.

But I expect everything.

♪ Shouting at the moon ♪

♪ Oo, wa, oo, wa ♪

♪ Breathless ♪

♪ Knocking at my door ♪

♪ Chicka chicka ♪

♪ Who's there? Who cares? ♪

♪ Not us ♪

♪ I'm the kind of girl who brought you ♪

♪ From Paris to Mars ♪

♪ Now we're weightless ♪

♪ Living large among the stars ♪

♪ Now, I don't give a damn ♪

♪ Shoolywoc, shoo wa ♪

♪ Don't need no Joe or Sal or Bruce ♪

♪ Lee ♪

♪ Willis ♪

♪ I said my name is Sparkle And I'm here to say ♪

♪ That that's what I do In my own kind of way ♪

♪ I can shine like a star On the street or on my back ♪

♪ And any which way I said I'm getting paid, Jack ♪

♪ Now, I don't need a man To get ahead in this life ♪

♪ 'Cause I don't want to be Some pencil pusher's little wife ♪

♪ I'm writing my book And I'm turning the page ♪

♪ What you see is what you get A constellation on stage ♪

♪ Sparkle on ♪

♪ Don't bless us with your kiss ♪

♪ Shoolywoc, shoo wa ♪

♪ Just close your eyes And watch as we just live far away ♪

♪ Shoolywoc ♪

♪ Hearts are on fire ♪

♪ Shoolywoc ♪

♪ Dressed for a dream ♪

♪ Shoolywoc ♪

♪ Lose and grieve ♪

♪ Shoolywoc ♪

♪ Far apart ♪

♪ Shoolywoc ♪

♪ Still can breathe ♪

♪ Shoo wa ♪

‎♪ ‎I can dream, I can try‎ ♪

♪ I can feel, I can cry ♪

♪ When it seems things won't work out ♪

♪ When it seems life is a lie ♪

♪ Empty promises ♪

♪ I can dream ♪

♪ And think of you ♪

♪ Close your eyes ♪

♪ And dream it too ♪

♪ With me ♪

♪ I can dream, I can fly ♪

♪ I can still touch the sky ♪

♪ When it seems I might fall down ♪

♪ When it seems no one's around ♪

♪ To pick me up ♪

♪ I can dream ♪

♪ And think of you ♪

♪ Close your eyes ♪

♪ And dream it too ♪

♪ With me ♪

♪ But my life's not complete ♪

♪ With no one to share ♪

♪ Though my heart is full ♪

♪ Of hope ♪