Original subtitles

God, I'm not reading that book any more.

It's very scary altogether, Ted.

- Ted? - Yes, what?

Did you ever see a ghost?

Well, I'll tell you something that happened to me once.

It was years ago. I was staying with my great aunt in Connemara.

It was a big house, miles from anywhere.

During the Great Famine,

a cruel landlord and his beautiful daughter lived there.

The story is he forbade the daughter from marrying a young soldier.

It broke her heart. In her despair, she hung herself in her bedroom.

The room that I was staying in was that very bedroom.

I remember it was icy cold...

lit by a single candle.

I was drifting off to sleep when suddenly,

I heard a strange creaking noise.

- Was it a ghost? - No.

So, no, I've never seen a ghost.

- I saw one. - Really?

Yes. It was a man all dressed in black.

I came down one night for a glass of milk

and he was just sitting there in front of the TV just there.

He had this strange grey hair, even though he wasn't very old...

Dougal, Dougal. Could this have been me at all?

Ahh, right!

(Helicopter)

(Crash)

Right, that should do it.

For pity's sake.

(Toilet flushes)

That's working now, Ted.

It's broken again!

Maybe it only works when my head is in it!

Ted, we should call the plumber.

No, don't get them involved.

I'd be too embarrassed to tell them how I broke it -

trying to give it an extra hard flush.

Well, now, Ted, I have to say it was fine for me -

it was a good powerful flush.

I was thinking more about Jack. You know when he's involved.

You want to get that stuff away as fast and as hard as possible.

Best thing would be to have it pop up somewhere in Sierra Leone!

Oh, you're right there, Ted.

A-ha. A-ha!

I thought Jack had stashed something in here!

Ok, let's try it now.

(Powerful flush)

Girls!

- Bloody hell! - Good news, Ted?

No. Very, very bad news.

It's the Holy Stone of Clonrichert.

They're upgrading it to a Class II relic.

- Great! - No, it's not great.

They'll send over a few bishops and we'll have to behave!

I thought there was something up. Wasn't someone cured there?

No, someone was LURED there.

Paddy Short. And then those fellas beat him with sticks.

- That was it, yeah. - The Holy Stone.

(Ted) It must be holier than we thought.

Perhaps it's that fella from England. He touched it and he grew a beard.

Weird. That'd be enough to upgrade it to a Class I.

Oh, Class I would be very rare.

That'd be bringing people back to life...

time travel, cloning dinosaurs...

Very rare.

There's millions of relics. How do they know which ones to do?

Well, they have to think about the history of the relic,

how many miracles can be attributed to it.

All sorts of considerations go into it.

What about the Holy Stone of Clonrichert?

Whatever.

Ah, come on, cheer up. It may never happen.

- It IS happening! They're coming. - Oh, right. Well, who cares, anyway?

They strip the wallpaper, fumigate the place and they're gone.

What's so bad about that?

Dougal, they're bishops!

Oh, right, yes.

What is this confusion you have about bishops?

Do you understand what they actually do?

Nothing to do with fumigating houses at all.

Have you got that?

Got it. Anyway, let's play a game, get your mind off it.

- Chess or Buckaroo? - Er...

Actually, I wouldn't mind chess today.

- Really? - Only joking. Buckaroo, of course.

But only if you're ready for a good trashing.

Dougal, you've never actually beaten me, ever.

Oh, right, yeah.

Still, eh? Buckaroo, the sport of kings(!)

It won't be so bad. The bishops will have a look around,

see we're a normal, everyday parish and go away.

Nothing to worry about at all.

So the ceremony's on Thursday and they're arriving tomorrow.

- This is crucial. Listen to me. - All right, Ted.

These bishops are very important. I'll stay around you just in case.

So you don't say anything you shouldn't.

Like what?

Like what you said to Bishop Lindsay

when he asked me where I was when kennedy was shot.

Oh, yeah.

You overreacted slightly.

He wasn't accusing me of anything.

All right, so.

Ted, do you know any of the bishops who are coming? What are they like?

Bishop Facks is a good old pal of Father Larry Duff's.

I'll ring Larry on his mobile. It's got an extra-loud bleep.

Shh!

(Drum roll)

(Mobile rings)

(Audience ) Ooh!

(Ringing continues)

God Almighty. Why does he have a mobile if he never picks it up?

And we have the problem with Jack.

Couldn't we just hide him for a couple of days?

No, they'd hear him shouting "Girls!"

We could train Jack to say something apart from "drink", "feck" or "girls"

like the dog on That's Life.

Dougal, Father Jack may be bad, but he's not a dog.

(Scratching at door)

There he is now. He probably wants to go out.

Wait.

Maybe we could teach him to say one or two things.

Nothing too specific, a few all-purpose sentences.

Like "That would be an ecumenical matter."

Yes, any religious question can be answered by that.

That's what I always say.

That's the great thing about Catholicism.

It's so vague, nobody knows what it's all about.

I think it might work, Dougal.

I know it'll work. It WILL work!

It won't work, will it, Ted?

It won't, no. But we have to try.

We'll have a little elocution lesson...

Drink!

You can't say that when the bishops come here.

- Feck! - Or that!

- Girls! - Go back to "drink" for the moment.

- Drink! - Have a look at this.

Have a go at the first one. "That".

Drink!

No, "That".

Drink!

Come on, concentrate. "That".

- Drink! - "That"!

- Drink! - "That"!

- Drink! - "That"!

- Drink! - "That"!

- Drink! - Now, come on, I know you can do it!

There's a drink in it for you.

- Drink? - Yes, I promise. Try again.

- "That..." - Th-th-th-th...

..th-th-drink!

Come on, you almost had it! "That"!

Th-th-th-th-th-th...

..th-th-that!

- Great! - THAT!

Brilliant! And the next one - "That would..."

That wou...ou...

- Would... - Wou...

Wou-ou-ou...drink!

Mrs Doyle, you left the cooker on.

All right, Father, I'll be there in a second.

Right, Father, everything's ready.

There's a big vat of tea steaming away

and I've arranged the Ferrero Rocher in a big triangular pile.

Oh, I'm so excited - taking on three bishops all at once!

I can't wait!

Right...

I think this will be the greatest moment of my career.

It's as if my whole life was leading up to...

Mrs Doyle! I'm over here!

- Oh, so you are. - Mrs Doyle...

Ahhhh!

Mrs Doyle, have you got your contacts in?

No. A dog ran off with them!

I suppose now I'll have to wear the glasses.

I don't like wearing them, Father.

I feel they make me look like a frustrated old bag!

Oh, I can't imagine that. I imagine they look absolutely...

Rahhhhh!

God, Father, are they that bad?

No...no... It's just a scary film I was thinking of.

They're fine, really.

Great, well, that's much better.

Um...I'll just go and check on the tea, so...

- (Mrs Doyle ) Father? - Hmm?

Father, I have absolutely no idea where the door is.

No sign of 'em yet, Ted.

(Ted) Dougal, er, Dougal...

They're here.

Sorry about that, Bishop O'Neill. You were saying?

Yes. A simple ceremony. We'll just need a little incense.

Incense? I don't know if we... Dougal, do we have any incense?

There was a spider in the bath last night.

No, Dougal, incense. In-cense.

Oh, right, yes. No, I don't think so.

Remember when we ran out of incense and used Windolene...

Ahem!

Well, I'm sure we can find some.

So, are you doing much upgrading around the country?

Last month, we elevated a mushroom field in Cavan to Class III!

Great!

Our work takes us all over the country.

It gives us a chance to get in touch with the ordinary clergy -

or the ground troops, as I call them.

Yes. We're trying to organise a large meeting at the end of the year

where all ranks of the clergy can discuss their views

with representatives of the lay community.

What do you think, Father Crilly?

Sorry, what?

Do you think a close relationship with the lay community is desirable,

or should a certain distance be maintained?

Yes, er...good question.

Well, you know, I think we should... involve the lay community...

but...keep them at a distance.

How much of a distance?

Couple of miles?

Here we are now, tea for everyone.

OOOHH!

- Are you all right, Your Grace? - Yes, I...

I had a minor heart attack last year.

I have to take it easy. I got a bit of a fright there.

(Ted) Right.

It's not a problem.

Just give us a warning when you're going to do anything sudden.

- Arghhh! - Dougal, what are you doing?!

Sorry, Ted. I just remembered Aliens is on after the news.

Dougal, for God's sake!

I'm sorry, Bishop Jordan.

- Did you not hear what he said? - I know but it's the director's cut!

Let's have a lads' night in...

- Ooooh... - Dougal! Dougal, shut up!

A heart attack? That's rare enough these days.

- There were prayers said... - Why can't we look at Aliens?

- Bishop O'Neill is speaking! - They'd love it!

- They wouldn't! - Bishops love sci-fi.

DOUGAL, WE ARE NOT WATCHING ALIENS!

Anyway, back to religion.

Do you see what I'm getting at?

We must fight back against the anti-clerical bias of the media!

Yes...

Ferrero Rocher?

Father Ted, with these Rocher you are really spoiling us.

Mrs Doyle.

Oh, right.

Bishop, you were saying?

I was saying we have to fight back against the media,

we must make our voice heard!

Where is Father Hackett?

Mrs Doyle, could you get Father Hackett for us now?

Certainly, Father.

I must say, they keep you on your feet.

My housekeeper isn't the best, I'm afraid.

Sometimes I think it's ME should be making the tea for HER!

Mrs Doyle...

(Ted) Mrs Doyle...

"Making the tea for HER!"

(Hysterical laughter continues)

Sorry about that. Ah, here's Father Hackett now.

He's been looking forward to your visit. Haven't you, Father?

Yes!

This is Bishop O'Neill. Don't get up!

Yes!

- This is Bishop Facks... - Yes!

- This is Bishop Jordan... - Yes!

They're looking after you, then, Father?

That would be an ecum...

- Ahem! - Yes!

I was saying, I'm looking forward to discussing the social effects

of some of the Church's thinking on issues of personal morality.

(Whispers) Ecumenical...

That would be an ecumenical matter!

Yes, I... I suppose it would.

- Good point, Father. - Yes!

That's what we need - a more positive attitude, like Father Hackett's!

What?

I agree. I can see Father Hackett making a valuable contribution

over the next few days.

- Oh, God! - Yes!

Heavenly Father, hear our prayer.

We pray that this rock be upgraded to a Class II relic,

and by the grace of God, bring healing

to all those who pass within two and a half to three feet of it,

at your discretion.

And may all who are healed in such a way

give glory to you, our Lord,

through your earthly form of this Class II relic.

- Amen. - Amen.

Eamonn.

I'm sorry for detaining you, Father. We'll catch up with the others.

Yes!

I so admire your positive attitude, Father.

So many people are cynical about such things.

You can hardly open a newspaper these days

without reading some anti-clerical article

- written by some bearded leftie! - Yes!

A spell in the army would do them good!

That would be an ecumenical matter.

Oh, of course, Father! It's the media that's the real enemy,

involving earthly, unspiritual pleasures!

Temptation!

Ecumenical! Yes!

How right you are, Father! How right you are!

So, Father, do you ever have any doubts about the religious life?

Is your faith ever tested?

Anything you've been worried about?

Any doubts you've been having about any aspects of belief?

Anything like that?

Well, you know the way God made us all, right,

and He's looking down at us from Heaven and everything?

And His son came down and saved everyone and all that?

- Yes. - And when we die, we go to Heaven.

Yes, what about it?

That's the bit I have trouble with.

That is the key to the matter, Father.

When you come face to face with death,

it makes you think about things.

I saw that film recently, Apollo 13,

and it reminded me of my own brush with death.

Do you know what I mean?

You mean...you were in space when you had your heart attack?

- No. How could I be in space? - Sorry. No, I suppose not.

I meant I know what it's like to be close to death.

Yeah, great. I'm dying to use the old WC, so...

Yes, you do that. I'll stay here and take the air.

So, if God has existed forever, what did he do in his spare time

before he made the earth and everything, you know?

Well, we all have doubts.

And what about not eating meat on Fridays?

How come that's Ok now but it wasn't back then?

Did people who ate meat on Fridays back then all go to hell or what?

I mean, it's mad.

- Not bothering you, is he? - No, no, it's...fascinating.

(Toilet flushes)

Oh!

(Screaming)

Oh, there you are. I hope you had a nice chat.

It was great.

I reached some very interesting conclusions.

- Oh? About what exactly? - Well...

It's nonsense, isn't it?

- What is? - Religion.

- Er... - Think about it.

Very little evidence. Blind faith, that's all we have to go on.

There's not a shred of proof! Nothing!

Aliens? Now, there's something that might just be possible.

But everlasting life?

Big demons sticking red-hot pokers up your arse for all eternity?

I don't think so.

The whole religion thing, I just don't buy it.

I've been struggling for some time, but Father McGuire was the first man

to spell it out for me in black and white.

Dougal, what have you been up to?

This man. This man!

Treasure him, Father Crilly! He has wisdom far beyond his years.

Thanks very much.

(Bloodcurdling scream )

Quick! It's Bishop Jordan! I think he's dead!

There! Oh, Lord!

Yeah. That's a dustbin, Mrs Doyle.

There! Oh, Lord!

This is terrible! Where's Bishop Facks?

We have to straighten out the media!

That's the important thing, Father!

And we have to do it...

..now!

ARGHHHHH!

Dougal...thank you!

You're welcome, Bishop.

No, no - Eddie.

Are you sure you won't reconsider your decision?

No. It's too late. I'm off to India with a few friends.

Ah, there they are.

See you again, then.

Er, Your Grace. The Holy Stone...

Will it, er, still be a Class II when they, er...remove it?

(Dougal) Bye.

God bless.

Went pretty well, I thought.