Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:35,086 --> 00:00:38,203
(Woman on TV) 'Societies in ancient
India were ruled by women.'
2
00:00:38,286 --> 00:00:39,275
'Really?'
3
00:00:39,366 --> 00:00:42,324
'And men weren't allowed around women
without a licence.
4
00:00:42,406 --> 00:00:45,159
'They were told off
for being sexist.'
5
00:00:45,246 --> 00:00:49,478
'Anyway, you're going to do
a song from your new album.'
6
00:00:49,566 --> 00:00:53,320
God, what an eejit. She's never
happy unless she's complaining.
7
00:00:53,406 --> 00:00:55,362
Oh, you're right there, Ted.
8
00:00:55,446 --> 00:00:58,324
'I believe this new song
is about the Catholic Church?'
9
00:00:58,406 --> 00:00:59,838
Here she goes.
10
00:00:59,925 --> 00:01:02,393
'It's about how
the Church in Ireland
11
00:01:02,485 --> 00:01:05,682
'secretly had lots of potatoes
during the famine,
12
00:01:05,765 --> 00:01:09,678
'and hid them in pillows and sold
them abroad at potato fairs.'
13
00:01:09,765 --> 00:01:12,996
- 'Really.'
- 'The Pope closed the factories
14
00:01:13,085 --> 00:01:17,317
'making the potatoes and turned
them into prisons for children.'
15
00:01:17,405 --> 00:01:20,556
God Almighty! She says that
as if it was sinister!
16
00:01:20,645 --> 00:01:22,920
What is the problem with her?!
17
00:01:23,005 --> 00:01:27,760
She seems to be taking the whole
Catholic thing a bit seriously.
18
00:01:27,845 --> 00:01:30,359
- Yes, Dougal.
- It's just a bit of a laugh.
19
00:01:30,445 --> 00:01:32,481
Stop talking, Dougal.
20
00:01:32,565 --> 00:01:36,240
Anyway, this whole radical
feminism really gets my goat.
21
00:01:36,325 --> 00:01:37,883
Mad!
22
00:01:37,965 --> 00:01:41,514
This idea that the Catholic Church
has a negative attitude to women.
23
00:01:41,605 --> 00:01:42,594
Here's her song.
24
00:01:42,685 --> 00:01:46,040
# Big men in frocks
25
00:01:49,044 --> 00:01:51,512
# Tellin' us what to do
26
00:01:53,164 --> 00:01:56,998
# They can't get pregnant
27
00:01:57,084 --> 00:02:00,963
# Like I do... #
28
00:02:02,684 --> 00:02:05,676
Mrs Doyle, you're a woman.
What do you make of this?
29
00:02:05,764 --> 00:02:09,473
- Is the Catholic Church sexist?
- Oh, God, no, Father.
30
00:02:09,564 --> 00:02:13,113
I've always found the Church
very responsive to my views.
31
00:02:13,204 --> 00:02:16,355
One time I was having
terrible troubles at home
32
00:02:16,444 --> 00:02:18,719
and the Church gave me great support.
33
00:02:18,804 --> 00:02:21,637
A lot of people
like to run the Church down,
34
00:02:21,724 --> 00:02:25,114
but they're just a load of
old moaners - moan, moan, moan!
35
00:02:25,204 --> 00:02:28,913
So thanks for asking, Father, but no.
36
00:02:29,004 --> 00:02:31,074
No, I have no complaints at all.
37
00:02:32,203 --> 00:02:34,159
Yeah, great.
38
00:02:35,563 --> 00:02:38,521
# You give us all your rules
39
00:02:40,763 --> 00:02:43,038
# But that's not the way it was
40
00:02:45,283 --> 00:02:49,071
# Women ruled the land of...
41
00:02:49,163 --> 00:02:53,076
(Indecipherable )
42
00:02:54,963 --> 00:02:56,476
- (Alarm )
- Oh, no!
43
00:02:56,563 --> 00:02:58,315
(Jack) Drink!
44
00:03:00,203 --> 00:03:03,639
God, he goes mad if I'm
a second late with his drink.
45
00:03:03,723 --> 00:03:05,953
Father Jack, your afternoon drink.
46
00:03:07,723 --> 00:03:10,078
You know,
you should really get a haircut.
47
00:03:10,163 --> 00:03:12,802
Don't go too far
down that Bob Geldof road.
48
00:03:13,723 --> 00:03:16,601
- God, Ted, that's a bad road.
- It is indeed, Dougal.
49
00:03:16,683 --> 00:03:18,355
And there's no coming back.
50
00:03:18,443 --> 00:03:20,956
As Bob himself will tell you.
(Laughing)
51
00:03:21,042 --> 00:03:22,839
Oh!
52
00:03:26,482 --> 00:03:28,916
What did you pay
for the shelves, Ted?
53
00:03:29,002 --> 00:03:31,152
I don't really remember, Liam.
54
00:03:31,242 --> 00:03:32,641
These won't last you.
55
00:03:32,722 --> 00:03:35,634
Look, you could talk that
into coming down.
56
00:03:35,722 --> 00:03:39,317
Well, they've lasted fine until now.
57
00:03:39,402 --> 00:03:41,358
Give us a go.
58
00:03:42,562 --> 00:03:46,760
Oh, God, Ted, I can feel it
beginning to give.
59
00:03:51,682 --> 00:03:55,516
Ah, look at that, Ted.
Sure, it's falling apart!
60
00:03:57,082 --> 00:03:59,835
- How about a little cup of tea?
- Fair enough.
61
00:04:01,002 --> 00:04:03,072
So, erm...
62
00:04:10,281 --> 00:04:13,000
- What did you want to talk about?
- Oh, yes. Now...
63
00:04:13,081 --> 00:04:16,790
You were going to the Lovely
Girls Festival this year, right?
64
00:04:16,881 --> 00:04:19,395
I never miss
the Lovely Girls Festival.
65
00:04:19,481 --> 00:04:21,836
My absolute favourite time of year.
66
00:04:21,921 --> 00:04:24,071
How is Miss Lovely Girl 1995 doing?
67
00:04:24,161 --> 00:04:26,914
Ted, we had to strip her
of her title.
68
00:04:27,001 --> 00:04:28,639
Oh, God. Why?
69
00:04:28,721 --> 00:04:33,237
We found out she'd been in
a film called Stallion Farm.
70
00:04:33,321 --> 00:04:35,357
I heard it was a bit rude.
71
00:04:35,441 --> 00:04:39,116
Anyway, I'm chairman of
the organising committee this year,
72
00:04:39,201 --> 00:04:41,556
and I was wondering
if you wanted to judge it.
73
00:04:41,641 --> 00:04:44,314
Judge it? Oh, God, Liam, I'd love to.
74
00:04:44,401 --> 00:04:46,869
And there's the dinner afterwards.
75
00:04:46,961 --> 00:04:50,795
Oh, yes. You have the honour
of taking the winner out for a meal.
76
00:04:50,881 --> 00:04:54,634
And who pays for it? It's not me,
did I hear that somewhere?
77
00:04:54,720 --> 00:04:57,678
Yes, that's right. We brought
that in a few years ago.
78
00:04:57,760 --> 00:05:00,069
You get to take her out for a meal,
79
00:05:00,160 --> 00:05:03,550
- she gets to pay for it.
- Lovely.
80
00:05:03,640 --> 00:05:06,791
How much did that stereo
set you back, Ted?
81
00:05:08,280 --> 00:05:09,599
About ๏ฟฝ100.
82
00:05:09,680 --> 00:05:12,513
I could've got you a great one
for half that.
83
00:05:14,400 --> 00:05:16,516
Careful, Liam.
Anyway, you were saying?
84
00:05:16,600 --> 00:05:18,238
- (Clanking)
- Oh, yes.
85
00:05:18,320 --> 00:05:21,551
Now, when you take
the Lovely Girl out to dinner,
86
00:05:21,640 --> 00:05:24,871
could you persuade her to wear
one of me mammy's dresses?
87
00:05:24,960 --> 00:05:27,713
- She could use the publicity.
- Right.
88
00:05:27,800 --> 00:05:30,075
- How's the business going?
- Great!
89
00:05:30,160 --> 00:05:31,559
She sold one last week.
90
00:05:31,640 --> 00:05:33,471
How many is that sold this year?
91
00:05:33,560 --> 00:05:35,710
That'd be one.
92
00:05:36,160 --> 00:05:39,629
You see? Anyway...
93
00:05:39,719 --> 00:05:41,471
Basically, you see...
94
00:05:41,559 --> 00:05:44,869
we thought it'd be a laugh
getting a priest to judge it.
95
00:05:44,959 --> 00:05:47,792
Also, it eliminates
any sexual aspect to the thing.
96
00:05:48,919 --> 00:05:51,592
Or am I wrong, huh?
97
00:05:51,679 --> 00:05:56,036
I hope you won't be tempted
by all those Lovely Girls.
98
00:05:56,119 --> 00:05:58,394
There's no chance of that, Liam.
99
00:05:58,479 --> 00:06:01,312
Cos we've had problems
with that sort of thing before.
100
00:06:03,399 --> 00:06:05,594
No, no, Ted.
We really have had problems.
101
00:06:06,799 --> 00:06:09,188
Right. You don't
have to worry there, Liam.
102
00:06:09,279 --> 00:06:11,509
Right. I'll be off.
103
00:06:11,599 --> 00:06:13,555
Goodbye, Liam.
104
00:06:16,679 --> 00:06:19,113
How much did you pay
for the door, Ted?
105
00:06:20,359 --> 00:06:22,919
I don't know.
It came with the house.
106
00:06:39,438 --> 00:06:42,669
Cowboys, Ted!
They're a bunch of cowboys!
107
00:06:54,998 --> 00:06:58,786
Oh, God. There she is again.
She's all over the place.
108
00:07:02,118 --> 00:07:04,951
"Clit power"? What does that mean?
109
00:07:05,038 --> 00:07:06,630
Don't know.
110
00:07:06,718 --> 00:07:08,868
I knew a Father Clint Power.
111
00:07:09,958 --> 00:07:12,426
Maybe she's having a go at him.
112
00:07:12,518 --> 00:07:15,429
- What's the interview like?
- I didn't read much of it.
113
00:07:15,517 --> 00:07:19,908
She's going around the country. She
wants to buy a house on an island,
114
00:07:19,997 --> 00:07:22,636
some godforsaken place
off the west coast.
115
00:07:23,917 --> 00:07:25,430
Really?
116
00:07:26,837 --> 00:07:29,351
Did it mention what island
she had her eye on?
117
00:07:29,437 --> 00:07:33,828
Craggy Island, yeah.
Craggy Island's the place for me.
118
00:07:33,917 --> 00:07:36,477
'I see it as being a safe haven
119
00:07:36,557 --> 00:07:39,629
'for those who wish to escape
the hypocrisy of the mainland.'
120
00:07:39,717 --> 00:07:41,275
Oh, God.
121
00:07:41,357 --> 00:07:45,635
'I want a world free of sexual
and religious intolerance.'
122
00:07:45,717 --> 00:07:48,754
No, no, no. That's terrible news.
123
00:07:48,837 --> 00:07:51,590
Right. We just have
to stand our ground.
124
00:07:51,677 --> 00:07:53,429
I'm bound to bump into her.
125
00:07:53,517 --> 00:07:56,031
The people here
won't stand for a world
126
00:07:56,117 --> 00:07:58,915
free of sexual
and religious intolerance.
127
00:07:58,997 --> 00:08:01,430
No way, Jose.
128
00:08:01,516 --> 00:08:04,986
Right, Father.
The roof should be Ok now.
129
00:08:06,076 --> 00:08:09,671
I hoovered the upstairs
and I did the attic, top to bottom.
130
00:08:09,756 --> 00:08:11,712
What else? Oh, yes, yes.
131
00:08:11,796 --> 00:08:16,551
I washed your car. Also, I built
a greenhouse beside the garage.
132
00:08:16,636 --> 00:08:18,547
Will that be all for today?
133
00:08:18,636 --> 00:08:20,433
Oh, Mrs Doyle.
134
00:08:20,516 --> 00:08:23,906
Any chance of a cup of tea
for your two favourite priests?
135
00:08:31,556 --> 00:08:34,024
(Whistling)
136
00:08:34,116 --> 00:08:36,869
God, Ted, it's only 11.
What are you doing up?
137
00:08:36,956 --> 00:08:40,392
I want to get away early
to the Lovely Girls competition.
138
00:08:40,476 --> 00:08:43,434
I wouldn't know
what to say to a Lovely Girl.
139
00:08:43,516 --> 00:08:46,235
There's no end of things
you can talk about.
140
00:08:46,316 --> 00:08:50,786
What their father does,
if they have a boyfriend, dresses,
141
00:08:50,875 --> 00:08:53,469
anything to do with
clothes and perfume.
142
00:08:53,555 --> 00:08:56,752
Clothes is easiest
because men don't wear perfume.
143
00:08:56,835 --> 00:08:59,633
- Except Father Bigley.
- Except Father Bigley.
144
00:08:59,715 --> 00:09:03,310
Anyway, if you ever meet a woman
I'm sure you'll deal with it.
145
00:09:03,395 --> 00:09:06,307
Just be yourself,
make them feel at ease,
146
00:09:06,395 --> 00:09:09,705
and the golden rule -
always let them have their way.
147
00:09:09,795 --> 00:09:11,547
It's easiest in the long run.
148
00:09:11,635 --> 00:09:15,230
I'm off. I don't want to keep
those Lovely Girls waiting.
149
00:09:16,435 --> 00:09:19,313
Ok, right.
150
00:09:19,395 --> 00:09:21,750
"Be...yourself..."
151
00:09:24,835 --> 00:09:26,393
(Chattering)
152
00:09:26,475 --> 00:09:28,830
How are you, how are you doing?
153
00:09:31,075 --> 00:09:34,271
(Chuckling)
She's coming for you, Billy!
154
00:09:35,994 --> 00:09:37,666
She's got her eye on Paddy.
155
00:09:38,794 --> 00:09:40,512
Lads, how's it going?
156
00:09:40,594 --> 00:09:42,903
We're getting the eye
from all the girls.
157
00:09:43,874 --> 00:09:45,944
I hope you don't get into
any mischief.
158
00:09:46,034 --> 00:09:48,992
- You know us, Father.
- I do, and that's the trouble.
159
00:09:51,074 --> 00:09:54,623
Lads, I have to go,
the competition starts any second.
160
00:09:58,634 --> 00:10:01,512
Now, Father, that's not on,
impersonating Sir Bob.
161
00:10:01,594 --> 00:10:04,062
What would the other
Live Aid people think?
162
00:10:04,154 --> 00:10:07,351
Peter Gabriel and Queen
and all the other bands?
163
00:10:07,434 --> 00:10:10,028
Phil Collins
flew all the way to Boston!
164
00:10:10,114 --> 00:10:13,186
- Ooh!
- Feck off!
165
00:10:13,274 --> 00:10:16,346
Shoddy workmanship,
that's what it is!
166
00:10:16,434 --> 00:10:19,471
Shoddy, shoddy, shoddy!
167
00:10:21,233 --> 00:10:24,270
Ted, for crying out loud,
will you get up there?
168
00:10:24,353 --> 00:10:26,992
The girls won't stay lovely
forever, you know.
169
00:10:27,073 --> 00:10:31,589
Sorry. Father Jack just punched me
in the stomach. God!
170
00:10:33,993 --> 00:10:37,349
(Gasping) Hello, Lovely Girls.
Look at them there...
171
00:10:37,433 --> 00:10:39,025
(Ted breathing heavily)
172
00:10:39,113 --> 00:10:42,469
..walking around. (Gasping)
173
00:10:42,553 --> 00:10:44,066
Ohh. Ohh.
174
00:10:44,153 --> 00:10:46,303
(Ted groaning)
175
00:10:46,393 --> 00:10:50,591
Oh...ohhh.
176
00:10:50,673 --> 00:10:52,504
(Doorbell)
177
00:10:52,593 --> 00:10:54,151
Mrs Doyle?
178
00:10:54,233 --> 00:10:56,189
Someone at the door, Mrs Doyle.
179
00:10:56,273 --> 00:10:57,911
(Doorbell)
180
00:10:57,993 --> 00:10:59,949
Mrs Doyle!
181
00:11:03,993 --> 00:11:05,870
(Woman ) Hello there.
182
00:11:12,872 --> 00:11:15,181
Well, Imelda, you're a lovely girl.
183
00:11:15,272 --> 00:11:17,342
I hear you had a bit of bad luck.
184
00:11:17,432 --> 00:11:20,583
Your dog was knocked down
by a car and killed.
185
00:11:20,672 --> 00:11:23,140
No, that was...that was my father.
186
00:11:25,992 --> 00:11:28,267
It says here that you're 22.
187
00:11:28,352 --> 00:11:30,661
19.
188
00:11:30,752 --> 00:11:34,461
Right. You were born in Mayo,
that's a lovely part of the world.
189
00:11:34,552 --> 00:11:37,544
- Dundalk.
- Dundalk, yeah.
190
00:11:37,632 --> 00:11:41,147
And it says here that you're
a black belt in karate.
191
00:11:41,232 --> 00:11:43,109
So what if I did that?!
192
00:11:43,192 --> 00:11:46,389
- (Screams )
- Imelda! Tell you what.
193
00:11:46,472 --> 00:11:48,428
You look through my notes
194
00:11:48,512 --> 00:11:51,982
and stop at any information
that's actually true.
195
00:11:52,072 --> 00:11:54,266
I will indeed, Father.
196
00:12:09,751 --> 00:12:12,106
You haven't told me
your name yet, Father.
197
00:12:12,191 --> 00:12:14,261
Erm...
198
00:12:14,351 --> 00:12:16,307
"Be yourself." Right.
199
00:12:18,391 --> 00:12:20,461
Father Dougal McGuire.
200
00:12:20,551 --> 00:12:22,826
Oh, right.
201
00:12:22,911 --> 00:12:25,505
This is a great house.
202
00:12:25,591 --> 00:12:27,980
I love the crude religious imagery.
203
00:12:28,071 --> 00:12:30,062
Yes, I like it.
204
00:12:31,071 --> 00:12:32,948
Are you all right there?
205
00:12:34,271 --> 00:12:36,580
- How's your bra?
- What?!
206
00:12:38,551 --> 00:12:40,701
Your bra. Is it comfortable?
207
00:12:40,791 --> 00:12:42,303
Do you have a bra?
208
00:12:42,390 --> 00:12:44,142
What are you saying?
209
00:12:44,230 --> 00:12:46,346
It's not too tight, is it?
210
00:12:47,910 --> 00:12:50,504
Cos you can loosen it if you want.
211
00:12:50,590 --> 00:12:52,182
Take it off, sure, go on.
212
00:12:54,470 --> 00:12:56,426
Or would you like some tea?
213
00:12:56,510 --> 00:12:59,422
I tell you what. I'll make the tea,
you take your bra off.
214
00:13:02,670 --> 00:13:05,582
Oh, right.
Isn't that Bob Geldof there?
215
00:13:05,670 --> 00:13:07,626
No, is it? Wait a second.
216
00:13:07,710 --> 00:13:09,746
It is. He's looking a bit rough.
217
00:13:09,830 --> 00:13:12,424
He lost all his money
in that Live Aid thing.
218
00:13:12,510 --> 00:13:15,866
I'm not sure if it is Bob Geldof.
Hang on there a second.
219
00:13:15,950 --> 00:13:19,022
- Excuse me, are you...?
- (Jack) Feck off!
220
00:13:19,110 --> 00:13:21,260
It's himself, all right.
221
00:13:22,590 --> 00:13:25,184
And now, walking.
222
00:13:25,270 --> 00:13:28,386
Look at them there, walking around.
223
00:13:28,469 --> 00:13:29,822
Look out there, Mary.
224
00:13:29,909 --> 00:13:32,298
Doesn't Mary have a lovely bottom?
225
00:13:32,389 --> 00:13:35,620
Careful there, Ted.
That might offend the girls.
226
00:13:35,709 --> 00:13:36,937
Right, Liam.
227
00:13:37,029 --> 00:13:39,987
Of course,
they all have lovely bottoms.
228
00:13:45,389 --> 00:13:48,904
Actually, Mrs Doyle
makes the tea, and she's out.
229
00:13:52,149 --> 00:13:54,663
Why don't you just make the tea?
230
00:13:54,749 --> 00:13:56,705
But Mrs Doyle makes the tea.
231
00:13:57,749 --> 00:14:00,468
Anyway, I'd better just
tell you why I'm here.
232
00:14:00,549 --> 00:14:06,067
I'm looking for a house in the area
and I really, really like this one.
233
00:14:10,189 --> 00:14:14,864
I'm sorry. Your sandwich exceeds
the required 6cm in width,
234
00:14:14,948 --> 00:14:19,066
so it's between Imelda and Mary
in the Lovely Laugh tie-break.
235
00:14:22,988 --> 00:14:26,424
In order to hear your lovely laugh,
I'll tell you a joke.
236
00:14:26,508 --> 00:14:29,818
So here we go.
This is my Robin Williams impression.
237
00:14:29,908 --> 00:14:31,307
This is the joke.
238
00:14:31,388 --> 00:14:34,698
Secretary: "Sir,
the Invisible Man is in reception."
239
00:14:34,788 --> 00:14:36,221
Got that?
240
00:14:36,308 --> 00:14:39,266
Boss: "Tell him I can't see him."
241
00:14:42,148 --> 00:14:45,902
I think I have to say Imelda's
laugh is nicer. I'm sorry, Mary.
242
00:14:45,988 --> 00:14:48,866
That means Imelda is the winner!
243
00:14:48,948 --> 00:14:51,178
( # Organ fanfare )
244
00:14:52,748 --> 00:14:55,182
And there's your
Certificate of Loveliness
245
00:14:55,268 --> 00:14:57,020
and you'll be going to dinner
246
00:14:57,108 --> 00:15:00,305
in Craggy Island's top
seafood restaurant, the Thai Cottage.
247
00:15:00,388 --> 00:15:02,981
- Who will you be inviting?
- My mother.
248
00:15:03,067 --> 00:15:05,023
Just have another go.
249
00:15:05,107 --> 00:15:07,177
Sorry. I'll be inviting you, Father.
250
00:15:07,267 --> 00:15:08,746
Yes, you will!
251
00:15:08,827 --> 00:15:11,580
And you'll be paying.
It's not me who pays.
252
00:15:11,667 --> 00:15:15,819
So there she is, the winner
of our Lovely Girl 1996, Imelda!
253
00:15:23,027 --> 00:15:26,064
There you are. How did
the Lovely Girls competition go?
254
00:15:26,147 --> 00:15:29,856
Brilliantly well. And I get
a free dinner tomorrow night.
255
00:15:29,947 --> 00:15:33,462
- Great. Is Jack with you?
- Oh, God. Jack.
256
00:15:33,547 --> 00:15:37,426
Wow. You really knocked
Michael Hutchence unconscious?
257
00:15:37,507 --> 00:15:40,340
I battered him!
258
00:15:40,427 --> 00:15:44,420
- Anyway, anything happen?
- No. Can't think of anything.
259
00:15:44,507 --> 00:15:46,577
Oh, one Niamh Connolly called.
260
00:15:47,347 --> 00:15:49,814
Niamh Connolly?
What did you say to her?
261
00:15:49,906 --> 00:15:51,897
Oh, don't worry, Ted. It was fine.
262
00:15:51,986 --> 00:15:54,261
I took your advice and it was grand.
263
00:15:54,346 --> 00:15:57,099
- She's upstairs now.
- She's still here?
264
00:15:57,186 --> 00:15:59,859
Yeah. I think she's in the toilet.
265
00:15:59,946 --> 00:16:02,062
Oh. Hello again.
266
00:16:02,146 --> 00:16:04,979
I was just telling Ted
you were in the toilet.
267
00:16:05,066 --> 00:16:06,579
- Hello.
- Hello there.
268
00:16:06,666 --> 00:16:09,544
Father Ted Crilly.
You must be Miss Connolly.
269
00:16:09,626 --> 00:16:12,777
I suppose that's sexist now,
to call a young lady "Miss".
270
00:16:12,866 --> 00:16:16,745
It's too late for me to change. You
can't teach an old dog new tricks.
271
00:16:17,426 --> 00:16:19,860
Well, it's getting kinda late.
272
00:16:20,666 --> 00:16:22,622
Oh, right. I won't keep you.
273
00:16:22,706 --> 00:16:24,822
- Bye, so.
- Bye.
274
00:16:27,186 --> 00:16:29,620
- Goodbye, Father.
- Yes, goodbye.
275
00:16:29,706 --> 00:16:33,301
Oh, Ted, that's the other thing.
I sold Niamh the house.
276
00:16:33,386 --> 00:16:35,580
What?!
277
00:16:37,105 --> 00:16:39,539
Actually, I just gave it to her.
278
00:16:39,625 --> 00:16:42,344
What?! You... Wait a minute!
279
00:16:42,425 --> 00:16:45,895
She's gonna make it a studio. We can
have all the recording time we want.
280
00:16:45,985 --> 00:16:47,259
Wait, now. Wait, now!
281
00:16:47,345 --> 00:16:49,222
You gave her the house?! How...
282
00:16:49,305 --> 00:16:51,421
Wait! Where are we going to live?
283
00:16:54,665 --> 00:16:58,783
Miss Connolly, there's been
a terrible misunderstanding.
284
00:16:58,865 --> 00:17:03,017
Look, I have to record a duet
over the phone with Peter Gabriel.
285
00:17:03,105 --> 00:17:06,780
I hope you don't mind, but Nigel
and Tony will show you out.
286
00:17:06,865 --> 00:17:09,095
I'm sorry
but we're not going anywhere.
287
00:17:09,185 --> 00:17:10,982
- Oh?
- (Ted) Right.
288
00:17:11,065 --> 00:17:13,533
I'm not staying here
to be insulted by you.
289
00:17:13,625 --> 00:17:17,664
I wouldn't stay in this house
if you gave me a million pounds!
290
00:17:19,785 --> 00:17:23,823
Wait a minute. I meant to say,
"Please give us back the house."
291
00:17:23,904 --> 00:17:26,623
What did I say? Why are we outside?
292
00:17:26,704 --> 00:17:29,582
Ted, where are we going to live?
293
00:17:29,664 --> 00:17:31,859
(Thunder and pouring rain )
294
00:17:34,624 --> 00:17:38,458
God, Dougal. I go away for a few
hours and you give away the house.
295
00:17:38,544 --> 00:17:40,978
Tell me again. What exactly happened?
296
00:17:41,064 --> 00:17:44,579
I was sticking to your rules.
Number one - "Be yourself."
297
00:17:44,664 --> 00:17:48,498
No, no, no, no, no. "Be yourself"
is just something people say.
298
00:17:48,584 --> 00:17:51,815
Never be yourself with women.
Never, never, never!
299
00:17:51,904 --> 00:17:55,021
- What then?
- I made her more comfortable.
300
00:17:55,104 --> 00:17:57,140
- Like you said.
- Yes.
301
00:17:57,224 --> 00:17:59,294
So I asked her to take off her bra.
302
00:18:01,664 --> 00:18:03,495
We'll come back to that one.
303
00:18:03,584 --> 00:18:06,576
- But you gave away the house.
- What about the golden rule?
304
00:18:06,664 --> 00:18:10,133
- "Give them what they want."
- No. That's the silver rule.
305
00:18:10,223 --> 00:18:14,501
The golden rule is, "Think about what
you're saying, then don't say it.
306
00:18:14,583 --> 00:18:18,053
"And then just
run away somewhere." Right?
307
00:18:18,143 --> 00:18:21,215
All right. This is a long shot,
but it's our only hope.
308
00:18:21,303 --> 00:18:24,375
I'm going to leave this paper
and pencil here.
309
00:18:24,463 --> 00:18:28,979
Hopefully in the morning, God will
have written down what we should do.
310
00:18:31,543 --> 00:18:33,534
That is a long shot.
311
00:18:34,983 --> 00:18:36,814
It's our only hope, Dougal.
312
00:18:36,903 --> 00:18:38,859
Come on, God.
313
00:18:49,703 --> 00:18:52,376
Ted! Ted! What is it?
Did God write back?
314
00:18:52,463 --> 00:18:54,419
No, He didn't.
315
00:18:54,503 --> 00:18:56,094
Bollocks, anyway.
316
00:18:57,182 --> 00:19:00,333
Right, I'm gonna have
to handle this myself.
317
00:19:00,422 --> 00:19:02,538
Basically, the thing is the house.
318
00:19:02,622 --> 00:19:04,613
It wasn't Dougal's to give away.
319
00:19:04,702 --> 00:19:06,738
It would be great to give it back.
320
00:19:06,822 --> 00:19:09,973
I think you'd be interested in
the work we do here.
321
00:19:10,062 --> 00:19:13,498
I hope it's not some hideaway
for paedophile priests,
322
00:19:13,582 --> 00:19:15,538
that whole thing disgusted me.
323
00:19:15,622 --> 00:19:17,533
Niamh, we're not all like that.
324
00:19:17,622 --> 00:19:21,376
Say there's 200 million priests
and 5% of them are paedophiles.
325
00:19:21,462 --> 00:19:23,214
That's still only ten million.
326
00:19:24,822 --> 00:19:29,498
No, we want a world free
of intolerance and hypocrisy.
327
00:19:29,582 --> 00:19:30,810
Really, Father?
328
00:19:30,902 --> 00:19:33,814
Yes. If there's one thing I hate
it's hypocrisy.
329
00:19:33,902 --> 00:19:38,293
I mean the sexism rampant
in the Church is appalling!
330
00:19:38,382 --> 00:19:41,533
- Yes.
- God! It gets my goat!
331
00:19:41,622 --> 00:19:45,500
We're different on Craggy Island.
We don't like any of that.
332
00:19:45,581 --> 00:19:49,938
Ah, Ted! Who is this lovely girl?
333
00:19:50,021 --> 00:19:53,172
Now, Ted, you were only supposed
to pick one.
334
00:19:53,261 --> 00:19:56,651
Don't call me a lovely girl.
I've sold 20 million records.
335
00:19:56,741 --> 00:19:57,935
What?
336
00:19:58,021 --> 00:20:00,489
Anyway, Ted, what do you think?
337
00:20:00,581 --> 00:20:02,537
This one or this one?
338
00:20:02,621 --> 00:20:04,498
You know, I like this one.
339
00:20:05,581 --> 00:20:07,890
Well, that's a nice one, Liam.
340
00:20:07,981 --> 00:20:11,894
But I like the colour of this one.
Oh! I just don't know.
341
00:20:13,181 --> 00:20:15,536
Well, they're both great.
342
00:20:15,621 --> 00:20:17,851
Whichever one you pick,
it'll be lovely.
343
00:20:17,941 --> 00:20:20,136
Thanks, Ted.
344
00:20:20,221 --> 00:20:24,897
You see? All sorts of alternative
lifestyles catered for.
345
00:20:24,981 --> 00:20:27,939
We're a refuge for priests
like Father Liam.
346
00:20:28,021 --> 00:20:31,899
Where else could he give a sermon
while dressed like Joan Crawford?
347
00:20:31,980 --> 00:20:34,574
Please, Niamh,
don't take away our house.
348
00:20:34,660 --> 00:20:36,218
Don't stop our good work.
349
00:20:36,300 --> 00:20:38,291
You know, I have to say, Father.
350
00:20:38,380 --> 00:20:42,339
I had no idea that priests could
be involved in such good work.
351
00:20:42,420 --> 00:20:46,095
You have the old-fashioned view
of drunken, lecherous priests.
352
00:20:47,740 --> 00:20:50,891
- That stereotype is long gone!
- (Alarm )
353
00:20:50,980 --> 00:20:52,652
(Alarm stops )
354
00:20:52,740 --> 00:20:54,617
(Crashing upstairs )
355
00:20:54,700 --> 00:20:57,851
(Thudding)
356
00:20:57,940 --> 00:20:59,737
(Clomping down stairs )
357
00:20:59,820 --> 00:21:01,492
(Glass shattering)
358
00:21:01,580 --> 00:21:03,491
Drink!
359
00:21:04,940 --> 00:21:07,693
- Woman!
- Father Billy!
360
00:21:07,780 --> 00:21:10,692
Can't talk just at the moment,
see you later.
361
00:21:12,300 --> 00:21:15,895
Father Billy would be
one of our more old-style priests.
362
00:21:15,980 --> 00:21:20,211
He pops around for
a good old debate once in a while.
363
00:21:20,299 --> 00:21:22,494
But...he came from upstairs.
364
00:21:22,579 --> 00:21:26,128
Yes, he hides around the house
so he can spring a topic on me.
365
00:21:26,219 --> 00:21:29,495
Maybe he'd hide in the bathroom
and I'd go to the toilet
366
00:21:29,579 --> 00:21:32,173
and he'd jump out
and say, "Women priests!"
367
00:21:32,259 --> 00:21:35,217
And I'd think very fast and say,
"I'm in favour."
368
00:21:36,779 --> 00:21:39,213
Anyway, the main thing
I wanted to say
369
00:21:39,299 --> 00:21:41,813
is we're huge,
huge fans of yours here.
370
00:21:41,899 --> 00:21:44,254
We must have every album
you ever made.
371
00:21:44,339 --> 00:21:46,375
Would you like me
to sign them for you?
372
00:21:49,259 --> 00:21:51,295
Oh, that'd be great. Could you?
373
00:21:51,379 --> 00:21:53,609
Of course you should stay here.
374
00:21:53,699 --> 00:21:56,975
After I've signed the albums,
I'll give the keys back.
375
00:21:57,059 --> 00:22:01,769
I'll just go and get the records.
Thank you. Thank you.
376
00:22:26,138 --> 00:22:28,254
(Gasping for breath)
377
00:22:30,138 --> 00:22:32,094
Here, here...records.
378
00:22:32,178 --> 00:22:33,896
What shall I put on them?
379
00:22:33,978 --> 00:22:35,934
Don't care.
380
00:22:38,338 --> 00:22:42,013
Father, I finished digging
that drainage ditch.
381
00:22:42,098 --> 00:22:44,168
No, Mrs Doyle.
382
00:22:44,258 --> 00:22:46,772
You wanted me to clean those
roof slates.
383
00:22:46,858 --> 00:22:48,689
Mrs Doyle, no, don't!
384
00:22:48,778 --> 00:22:50,972
I thought I might do them tomorrow
385
00:22:51,057 --> 00:22:54,766
when there's less chance of me
falling off and being killed.
386
00:23:03,057 --> 00:23:05,890
And then Sting fell down the stairs.
387
00:23:08,817 --> 00:23:11,729
Will Father Ted be coming later?
388
00:23:11,817 --> 00:23:15,412
No. He has to stay home
so Mrs Doyle can come out.
389
00:23:15,497 --> 00:23:17,567
It's why I gave him the house back,
390
00:23:17,657 --> 00:23:19,727
one night out a week for Mrs Doyle.
391
00:23:19,817 --> 00:23:21,933
Maybe I should just go
and check on them.
392
00:23:22,017 --> 00:23:24,212
Sit down.
393
00:23:24,297 --> 00:23:27,687
Now, come on.
Let's enjoy ourselves, sisters.
394
00:23:27,777 --> 00:23:30,655
No men around,
we can do what we like.
395
00:23:32,337 --> 00:23:34,532
Is that meat?!
396
00:23:36,896 --> 00:23:39,694
Do I still have to pay for this?
397
00:23:43,056 --> 00:23:45,411
(Ted) There's no button
on the kettle!
398
00:23:45,496 --> 00:23:47,487
Where are the tea bags?
399
00:23:55,736 --> 00:24:00,093
Fire! Put me out, Ted, will you?
400
00:24:00,176 --> 00:24:04,647
I just wanted a cup of tea!
I just wanted my tea!
30932
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.