All language subtitles for Father Ted (1995) - S02E07 - Rock A Hula Ted

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:35,086 --> 00:00:38,203 (Woman on TV) 'Societies in ancient India were ruled by women.' 2 00:00:38,286 --> 00:00:39,275 'Really?' 3 00:00:39,366 --> 00:00:42,324 'And men weren't allowed around women without a licence. 4 00:00:42,406 --> 00:00:45,159 'They were told off for being sexist.' 5 00:00:45,246 --> 00:00:49,478 'Anyway, you're going to do a song from your new album.' 6 00:00:49,566 --> 00:00:53,320 God, what an eejit. She's never happy unless she's complaining. 7 00:00:53,406 --> 00:00:55,362 Oh, you're right there, Ted. 8 00:00:55,446 --> 00:00:58,324 'I believe this new song is about the Catholic Church?' 9 00:00:58,406 --> 00:00:59,838 Here she goes. 10 00:00:59,925 --> 00:01:02,393 'It's about how the Church in Ireland 11 00:01:02,485 --> 00:01:05,682 'secretly had lots of potatoes during the famine, 12 00:01:05,765 --> 00:01:09,678 'and hid them in pillows and sold them abroad at potato fairs.' 13 00:01:09,765 --> 00:01:12,996 - 'Really.' - 'The Pope closed the factories 14 00:01:13,085 --> 00:01:17,317 'making the potatoes and turned them into prisons for children.' 15 00:01:17,405 --> 00:01:20,556 God Almighty! She says that as if it was sinister! 16 00:01:20,645 --> 00:01:22,920 What is the problem with her?! 17 00:01:23,005 --> 00:01:27,760 She seems to be taking the whole Catholic thing a bit seriously. 18 00:01:27,845 --> 00:01:30,359 - Yes, Dougal. - It's just a bit of a laugh. 19 00:01:30,445 --> 00:01:32,481 Stop talking, Dougal. 20 00:01:32,565 --> 00:01:36,240 Anyway, this whole radical feminism really gets my goat. 21 00:01:36,325 --> 00:01:37,883 Mad! 22 00:01:37,965 --> 00:01:41,514 This idea that the Catholic Church has a negative attitude to women. 23 00:01:41,605 --> 00:01:42,594 Here's her song. 24 00:01:42,685 --> 00:01:46,040 # Big men in frocks 25 00:01:49,044 --> 00:01:51,512 # Tellin' us what to do 26 00:01:53,164 --> 00:01:56,998 # They can't get pregnant 27 00:01:57,084 --> 00:02:00,963 # Like I do... # 28 00:02:02,684 --> 00:02:05,676 Mrs Doyle, you're a woman. What do you make of this? 29 00:02:05,764 --> 00:02:09,473 - Is the Catholic Church sexist? - Oh, God, no, Father. 30 00:02:09,564 --> 00:02:13,113 I've always found the Church very responsive to my views. 31 00:02:13,204 --> 00:02:16,355 One time I was having terrible troubles at home 32 00:02:16,444 --> 00:02:18,719 and the Church gave me great support. 33 00:02:18,804 --> 00:02:21,637 A lot of people like to run the Church down, 34 00:02:21,724 --> 00:02:25,114 but they're just a load of old moaners - moan, moan, moan! 35 00:02:25,204 --> 00:02:28,913 So thanks for asking, Father, but no. 36 00:02:29,004 --> 00:02:31,074 No, I have no complaints at all. 37 00:02:32,203 --> 00:02:34,159 Yeah, great. 38 00:02:35,563 --> 00:02:38,521 # You give us all your rules 39 00:02:40,763 --> 00:02:43,038 # But that's not the way it was 40 00:02:45,283 --> 00:02:49,071 # Women ruled the land of... 41 00:02:49,163 --> 00:02:53,076 (Indecipherable ) 42 00:02:54,963 --> 00:02:56,476 - (Alarm ) - Oh, no! 43 00:02:56,563 --> 00:02:58,315 (Jack) Drink! 44 00:03:00,203 --> 00:03:03,639 God, he goes mad if I'm a second late with his drink. 45 00:03:03,723 --> 00:03:05,953 Father Jack, your afternoon drink. 46 00:03:07,723 --> 00:03:10,078 You know, you should really get a haircut. 47 00:03:10,163 --> 00:03:12,802 Don't go too far down that Bob Geldof road. 48 00:03:13,723 --> 00:03:16,601 - God, Ted, that's a bad road. - It is indeed, Dougal. 49 00:03:16,683 --> 00:03:18,355 And there's no coming back. 50 00:03:18,443 --> 00:03:20,956 As Bob himself will tell you. (Laughing) 51 00:03:21,042 --> 00:03:22,839 Oh! 52 00:03:26,482 --> 00:03:28,916 What did you pay for the shelves, Ted? 53 00:03:29,002 --> 00:03:31,152 I don't really remember, Liam. 54 00:03:31,242 --> 00:03:32,641 These won't last you. 55 00:03:32,722 --> 00:03:35,634 Look, you could talk that into coming down. 56 00:03:35,722 --> 00:03:39,317 Well, they've lasted fine until now. 57 00:03:39,402 --> 00:03:41,358 Give us a go. 58 00:03:42,562 --> 00:03:46,760 Oh, God, Ted, I can feel it beginning to give. 59 00:03:51,682 --> 00:03:55,516 Ah, look at that, Ted. Sure, it's falling apart! 60 00:03:57,082 --> 00:03:59,835 - How about a little cup of tea? - Fair enough. 61 00:04:01,002 --> 00:04:03,072 So, erm... 62 00:04:10,281 --> 00:04:13,000 - What did you want to talk about? - Oh, yes. Now... 63 00:04:13,081 --> 00:04:16,790 You were going to the Lovely Girls Festival this year, right? 64 00:04:16,881 --> 00:04:19,395 I never miss the Lovely Girls Festival. 65 00:04:19,481 --> 00:04:21,836 My absolute favourite time of year. 66 00:04:21,921 --> 00:04:24,071 How is Miss Lovely Girl 1995 doing? 67 00:04:24,161 --> 00:04:26,914 Ted, we had to strip her of her title. 68 00:04:27,001 --> 00:04:28,639 Oh, God. Why? 69 00:04:28,721 --> 00:04:33,237 We found out she'd been in a film called Stallion Farm. 70 00:04:33,321 --> 00:04:35,357 I heard it was a bit rude. 71 00:04:35,441 --> 00:04:39,116 Anyway, I'm chairman of the organising committee this year, 72 00:04:39,201 --> 00:04:41,556 and I was wondering if you wanted to judge it. 73 00:04:41,641 --> 00:04:44,314 Judge it? Oh, God, Liam, I'd love to. 74 00:04:44,401 --> 00:04:46,869 And there's the dinner afterwards. 75 00:04:46,961 --> 00:04:50,795 Oh, yes. You have the honour of taking the winner out for a meal. 76 00:04:50,881 --> 00:04:54,634 And who pays for it? It's not me, did I hear that somewhere? 77 00:04:54,720 --> 00:04:57,678 Yes, that's right. We brought that in a few years ago. 78 00:04:57,760 --> 00:05:00,069 You get to take her out for a meal, 79 00:05:00,160 --> 00:05:03,550 - she gets to pay for it. - Lovely. 80 00:05:03,640 --> 00:05:06,791 How much did that stereo set you back, Ted? 81 00:05:08,280 --> 00:05:09,599 About ๏ฟฝ100. 82 00:05:09,680 --> 00:05:12,513 I could've got you a great one for half that. 83 00:05:14,400 --> 00:05:16,516 Careful, Liam. Anyway, you were saying? 84 00:05:16,600 --> 00:05:18,238 - (Clanking) - Oh, yes. 85 00:05:18,320 --> 00:05:21,551 Now, when you take the Lovely Girl out to dinner, 86 00:05:21,640 --> 00:05:24,871 could you persuade her to wear one of me mammy's dresses? 87 00:05:24,960 --> 00:05:27,713 - She could use the publicity. - Right. 88 00:05:27,800 --> 00:05:30,075 - How's the business going? - Great! 89 00:05:30,160 --> 00:05:31,559 She sold one last week. 90 00:05:31,640 --> 00:05:33,471 How many is that sold this year? 91 00:05:33,560 --> 00:05:35,710 That'd be one. 92 00:05:36,160 --> 00:05:39,629 You see? Anyway... 93 00:05:39,719 --> 00:05:41,471 Basically, you see... 94 00:05:41,559 --> 00:05:44,869 we thought it'd be a laugh getting a priest to judge it. 95 00:05:44,959 --> 00:05:47,792 Also, it eliminates any sexual aspect to the thing. 96 00:05:48,919 --> 00:05:51,592 Or am I wrong, huh? 97 00:05:51,679 --> 00:05:56,036 I hope you won't be tempted by all those Lovely Girls. 98 00:05:56,119 --> 00:05:58,394 There's no chance of that, Liam. 99 00:05:58,479 --> 00:06:01,312 Cos we've had problems with that sort of thing before. 100 00:06:03,399 --> 00:06:05,594 No, no, Ted. We really have had problems. 101 00:06:06,799 --> 00:06:09,188 Right. You don't have to worry there, Liam. 102 00:06:09,279 --> 00:06:11,509 Right. I'll be off. 103 00:06:11,599 --> 00:06:13,555 Goodbye, Liam. 104 00:06:16,679 --> 00:06:19,113 How much did you pay for the door, Ted? 105 00:06:20,359 --> 00:06:22,919 I don't know. It came with the house. 106 00:06:39,438 --> 00:06:42,669 Cowboys, Ted! They're a bunch of cowboys! 107 00:06:54,998 --> 00:06:58,786 Oh, God. There she is again. She's all over the place. 108 00:07:02,118 --> 00:07:04,951 "Clit power"? What does that mean? 109 00:07:05,038 --> 00:07:06,630 Don't know. 110 00:07:06,718 --> 00:07:08,868 I knew a Father Clint Power. 111 00:07:09,958 --> 00:07:12,426 Maybe she's having a go at him. 112 00:07:12,518 --> 00:07:15,429 - What's the interview like? - I didn't read much of it. 113 00:07:15,517 --> 00:07:19,908 She's going around the country. She wants to buy a house on an island, 114 00:07:19,997 --> 00:07:22,636 some godforsaken place off the west coast. 115 00:07:23,917 --> 00:07:25,430 Really? 116 00:07:26,837 --> 00:07:29,351 Did it mention what island she had her eye on? 117 00:07:29,437 --> 00:07:33,828 Craggy Island, yeah. Craggy Island's the place for me. 118 00:07:33,917 --> 00:07:36,477 'I see it as being a safe haven 119 00:07:36,557 --> 00:07:39,629 'for those who wish to escape the hypocrisy of the mainland.' 120 00:07:39,717 --> 00:07:41,275 Oh, God. 121 00:07:41,357 --> 00:07:45,635 'I want a world free of sexual and religious intolerance.' 122 00:07:45,717 --> 00:07:48,754 No, no, no. That's terrible news. 123 00:07:48,837 --> 00:07:51,590 Right. We just have to stand our ground. 124 00:07:51,677 --> 00:07:53,429 I'm bound to bump into her. 125 00:07:53,517 --> 00:07:56,031 The people here won't stand for a world 126 00:07:56,117 --> 00:07:58,915 free of sexual and religious intolerance. 127 00:07:58,997 --> 00:08:01,430 No way, Jose. 128 00:08:01,516 --> 00:08:04,986 Right, Father. The roof should be Ok now. 129 00:08:06,076 --> 00:08:09,671 I hoovered the upstairs and I did the attic, top to bottom. 130 00:08:09,756 --> 00:08:11,712 What else? Oh, yes, yes. 131 00:08:11,796 --> 00:08:16,551 I washed your car. Also, I built a greenhouse beside the garage. 132 00:08:16,636 --> 00:08:18,547 Will that be all for today? 133 00:08:18,636 --> 00:08:20,433 Oh, Mrs Doyle. 134 00:08:20,516 --> 00:08:23,906 Any chance of a cup of tea for your two favourite priests? 135 00:08:31,556 --> 00:08:34,024 (Whistling) 136 00:08:34,116 --> 00:08:36,869 God, Ted, it's only 11. What are you doing up? 137 00:08:36,956 --> 00:08:40,392 I want to get away early to the Lovely Girls competition. 138 00:08:40,476 --> 00:08:43,434 I wouldn't know what to say to a Lovely Girl. 139 00:08:43,516 --> 00:08:46,235 There's no end of things you can talk about. 140 00:08:46,316 --> 00:08:50,786 What their father does, if they have a boyfriend, dresses, 141 00:08:50,875 --> 00:08:53,469 anything to do with clothes and perfume. 142 00:08:53,555 --> 00:08:56,752 Clothes is easiest because men don't wear perfume. 143 00:08:56,835 --> 00:08:59,633 - Except Father Bigley. - Except Father Bigley. 144 00:08:59,715 --> 00:09:03,310 Anyway, if you ever meet a woman I'm sure you'll deal with it. 145 00:09:03,395 --> 00:09:06,307 Just be yourself, make them feel at ease, 146 00:09:06,395 --> 00:09:09,705 and the golden rule - always let them have their way. 147 00:09:09,795 --> 00:09:11,547 It's easiest in the long run. 148 00:09:11,635 --> 00:09:15,230 I'm off. I don't want to keep those Lovely Girls waiting. 149 00:09:16,435 --> 00:09:19,313 Ok, right. 150 00:09:19,395 --> 00:09:21,750 "Be...yourself..." 151 00:09:24,835 --> 00:09:26,393 (Chattering) 152 00:09:26,475 --> 00:09:28,830 How are you, how are you doing? 153 00:09:31,075 --> 00:09:34,271 (Chuckling) She's coming for you, Billy! 154 00:09:35,994 --> 00:09:37,666 She's got her eye on Paddy. 155 00:09:38,794 --> 00:09:40,512 Lads, how's it going? 156 00:09:40,594 --> 00:09:42,903 We're getting the eye from all the girls. 157 00:09:43,874 --> 00:09:45,944 I hope you don't get into any mischief. 158 00:09:46,034 --> 00:09:48,992 - You know us, Father. - I do, and that's the trouble. 159 00:09:51,074 --> 00:09:54,623 Lads, I have to go, the competition starts any second. 160 00:09:58,634 --> 00:10:01,512 Now, Father, that's not on, impersonating Sir Bob. 161 00:10:01,594 --> 00:10:04,062 What would the other Live Aid people think? 162 00:10:04,154 --> 00:10:07,351 Peter Gabriel and Queen and all the other bands? 163 00:10:07,434 --> 00:10:10,028 Phil Collins flew all the way to Boston! 164 00:10:10,114 --> 00:10:13,186 - Ooh! - Feck off! 165 00:10:13,274 --> 00:10:16,346 Shoddy workmanship, that's what it is! 166 00:10:16,434 --> 00:10:19,471 Shoddy, shoddy, shoddy! 167 00:10:21,233 --> 00:10:24,270 Ted, for crying out loud, will you get up there? 168 00:10:24,353 --> 00:10:26,992 The girls won't stay lovely forever, you know. 169 00:10:27,073 --> 00:10:31,589 Sorry. Father Jack just punched me in the stomach. God! 170 00:10:33,993 --> 00:10:37,349 (Gasping) Hello, Lovely Girls. Look at them there... 171 00:10:37,433 --> 00:10:39,025 (Ted breathing heavily) 172 00:10:39,113 --> 00:10:42,469 ..walking around. (Gasping) 173 00:10:42,553 --> 00:10:44,066 Ohh. Ohh. 174 00:10:44,153 --> 00:10:46,303 (Ted groaning) 175 00:10:46,393 --> 00:10:50,591 Oh...ohhh. 176 00:10:50,673 --> 00:10:52,504 (Doorbell) 177 00:10:52,593 --> 00:10:54,151 Mrs Doyle? 178 00:10:54,233 --> 00:10:56,189 Someone at the door, Mrs Doyle. 179 00:10:56,273 --> 00:10:57,911 (Doorbell) 180 00:10:57,993 --> 00:10:59,949 Mrs Doyle! 181 00:11:03,993 --> 00:11:05,870 (Woman ) Hello there. 182 00:11:12,872 --> 00:11:15,181 Well, Imelda, you're a lovely girl. 183 00:11:15,272 --> 00:11:17,342 I hear you had a bit of bad luck. 184 00:11:17,432 --> 00:11:20,583 Your dog was knocked down by a car and killed. 185 00:11:20,672 --> 00:11:23,140 No, that was...that was my father. 186 00:11:25,992 --> 00:11:28,267 It says here that you're 22. 187 00:11:28,352 --> 00:11:30,661 19. 188 00:11:30,752 --> 00:11:34,461 Right. You were born in Mayo, that's a lovely part of the world. 189 00:11:34,552 --> 00:11:37,544 - Dundalk. - Dundalk, yeah. 190 00:11:37,632 --> 00:11:41,147 And it says here that you're a black belt in karate. 191 00:11:41,232 --> 00:11:43,109 So what if I did that?! 192 00:11:43,192 --> 00:11:46,389 - (Screams ) - Imelda! Tell you what. 193 00:11:46,472 --> 00:11:48,428 You look through my notes 194 00:11:48,512 --> 00:11:51,982 and stop at any information that's actually true. 195 00:11:52,072 --> 00:11:54,266 I will indeed, Father. 196 00:12:09,751 --> 00:12:12,106 You haven't told me your name yet, Father. 197 00:12:12,191 --> 00:12:14,261 Erm... 198 00:12:14,351 --> 00:12:16,307 "Be yourself." Right. 199 00:12:18,391 --> 00:12:20,461 Father Dougal McGuire. 200 00:12:20,551 --> 00:12:22,826 Oh, right. 201 00:12:22,911 --> 00:12:25,505 This is a great house. 202 00:12:25,591 --> 00:12:27,980 I love the crude religious imagery. 203 00:12:28,071 --> 00:12:30,062 Yes, I like it. 204 00:12:31,071 --> 00:12:32,948 Are you all right there? 205 00:12:34,271 --> 00:12:36,580 - How's your bra? - What?! 206 00:12:38,551 --> 00:12:40,701 Your bra. Is it comfortable? 207 00:12:40,791 --> 00:12:42,303 Do you have a bra? 208 00:12:42,390 --> 00:12:44,142 What are you saying? 209 00:12:44,230 --> 00:12:46,346 It's not too tight, is it? 210 00:12:47,910 --> 00:12:50,504 Cos you can loosen it if you want. 211 00:12:50,590 --> 00:12:52,182 Take it off, sure, go on. 212 00:12:54,470 --> 00:12:56,426 Or would you like some tea? 213 00:12:56,510 --> 00:12:59,422 I tell you what. I'll make the tea, you take your bra off. 214 00:13:02,670 --> 00:13:05,582 Oh, right. Isn't that Bob Geldof there? 215 00:13:05,670 --> 00:13:07,626 No, is it? Wait a second. 216 00:13:07,710 --> 00:13:09,746 It is. He's looking a bit rough. 217 00:13:09,830 --> 00:13:12,424 He lost all his money in that Live Aid thing. 218 00:13:12,510 --> 00:13:15,866 I'm not sure if it is Bob Geldof. Hang on there a second. 219 00:13:15,950 --> 00:13:19,022 - Excuse me, are you...? - (Jack) Feck off! 220 00:13:19,110 --> 00:13:21,260 It's himself, all right. 221 00:13:22,590 --> 00:13:25,184 And now, walking. 222 00:13:25,270 --> 00:13:28,386 Look at them there, walking around. 223 00:13:28,469 --> 00:13:29,822 Look out there, Mary. 224 00:13:29,909 --> 00:13:32,298 Doesn't Mary have a lovely bottom? 225 00:13:32,389 --> 00:13:35,620 Careful there, Ted. That might offend the girls. 226 00:13:35,709 --> 00:13:36,937 Right, Liam. 227 00:13:37,029 --> 00:13:39,987 Of course, they all have lovely bottoms. 228 00:13:45,389 --> 00:13:48,904 Actually, Mrs Doyle makes the tea, and she's out. 229 00:13:52,149 --> 00:13:54,663 Why don't you just make the tea? 230 00:13:54,749 --> 00:13:56,705 But Mrs Doyle makes the tea. 231 00:13:57,749 --> 00:14:00,468 Anyway, I'd better just tell you why I'm here. 232 00:14:00,549 --> 00:14:06,067 I'm looking for a house in the area and I really, really like this one. 233 00:14:10,189 --> 00:14:14,864 I'm sorry. Your sandwich exceeds the required 6cm in width, 234 00:14:14,948 --> 00:14:19,066 so it's between Imelda and Mary in the Lovely Laugh tie-break. 235 00:14:22,988 --> 00:14:26,424 In order to hear your lovely laugh, I'll tell you a joke. 236 00:14:26,508 --> 00:14:29,818 So here we go. This is my Robin Williams impression. 237 00:14:29,908 --> 00:14:31,307 This is the joke. 238 00:14:31,388 --> 00:14:34,698 Secretary: "Sir, the Invisible Man is in reception." 239 00:14:34,788 --> 00:14:36,221 Got that? 240 00:14:36,308 --> 00:14:39,266 Boss: "Tell him I can't see him." 241 00:14:42,148 --> 00:14:45,902 I think I have to say Imelda's laugh is nicer. I'm sorry, Mary. 242 00:14:45,988 --> 00:14:48,866 That means Imelda is the winner! 243 00:14:48,948 --> 00:14:51,178 ( # Organ fanfare ) 244 00:14:52,748 --> 00:14:55,182 And there's your Certificate of Loveliness 245 00:14:55,268 --> 00:14:57,020 and you'll be going to dinner 246 00:14:57,108 --> 00:15:00,305 in Craggy Island's top seafood restaurant, the Thai Cottage. 247 00:15:00,388 --> 00:15:02,981 - Who will you be inviting? - My mother. 248 00:15:03,067 --> 00:15:05,023 Just have another go. 249 00:15:05,107 --> 00:15:07,177 Sorry. I'll be inviting you, Father. 250 00:15:07,267 --> 00:15:08,746 Yes, you will! 251 00:15:08,827 --> 00:15:11,580 And you'll be paying. It's not me who pays. 252 00:15:11,667 --> 00:15:15,819 So there she is, the winner of our Lovely Girl 1996, Imelda! 253 00:15:23,027 --> 00:15:26,064 There you are. How did the Lovely Girls competition go? 254 00:15:26,147 --> 00:15:29,856 Brilliantly well. And I get a free dinner tomorrow night. 255 00:15:29,947 --> 00:15:33,462 - Great. Is Jack with you? - Oh, God. Jack. 256 00:15:33,547 --> 00:15:37,426 Wow. You really knocked Michael Hutchence unconscious? 257 00:15:37,507 --> 00:15:40,340 I battered him! 258 00:15:40,427 --> 00:15:44,420 - Anyway, anything happen? - No. Can't think of anything. 259 00:15:44,507 --> 00:15:46,577 Oh, one Niamh Connolly called. 260 00:15:47,347 --> 00:15:49,814 Niamh Connolly? What did you say to her? 261 00:15:49,906 --> 00:15:51,897 Oh, don't worry, Ted. It was fine. 262 00:15:51,986 --> 00:15:54,261 I took your advice and it was grand. 263 00:15:54,346 --> 00:15:57,099 - She's upstairs now. - She's still here? 264 00:15:57,186 --> 00:15:59,859 Yeah. I think she's in the toilet. 265 00:15:59,946 --> 00:16:02,062 Oh. Hello again. 266 00:16:02,146 --> 00:16:04,979 I was just telling Ted you were in the toilet. 267 00:16:05,066 --> 00:16:06,579 - Hello. - Hello there. 268 00:16:06,666 --> 00:16:09,544 Father Ted Crilly. You must be Miss Connolly. 269 00:16:09,626 --> 00:16:12,777 I suppose that's sexist now, to call a young lady "Miss". 270 00:16:12,866 --> 00:16:16,745 It's too late for me to change. You can't teach an old dog new tricks. 271 00:16:17,426 --> 00:16:19,860 Well, it's getting kinda late. 272 00:16:20,666 --> 00:16:22,622 Oh, right. I won't keep you. 273 00:16:22,706 --> 00:16:24,822 - Bye, so. - Bye. 274 00:16:27,186 --> 00:16:29,620 - Goodbye, Father. - Yes, goodbye. 275 00:16:29,706 --> 00:16:33,301 Oh, Ted, that's the other thing. I sold Niamh the house. 276 00:16:33,386 --> 00:16:35,580 What?! 277 00:16:37,105 --> 00:16:39,539 Actually, I just gave it to her. 278 00:16:39,625 --> 00:16:42,344 What?! You... Wait a minute! 279 00:16:42,425 --> 00:16:45,895 She's gonna make it a studio. We can have all the recording time we want. 280 00:16:45,985 --> 00:16:47,259 Wait, now. Wait, now! 281 00:16:47,345 --> 00:16:49,222 You gave her the house?! How... 282 00:16:49,305 --> 00:16:51,421 Wait! Where are we going to live? 283 00:16:54,665 --> 00:16:58,783 Miss Connolly, there's been a terrible misunderstanding. 284 00:16:58,865 --> 00:17:03,017 Look, I have to record a duet over the phone with Peter Gabriel. 285 00:17:03,105 --> 00:17:06,780 I hope you don't mind, but Nigel and Tony will show you out. 286 00:17:06,865 --> 00:17:09,095 I'm sorry but we're not going anywhere. 287 00:17:09,185 --> 00:17:10,982 - Oh? - (Ted) Right. 288 00:17:11,065 --> 00:17:13,533 I'm not staying here to be insulted by you. 289 00:17:13,625 --> 00:17:17,664 I wouldn't stay in this house if you gave me a million pounds! 290 00:17:19,785 --> 00:17:23,823 Wait a minute. I meant to say, "Please give us back the house." 291 00:17:23,904 --> 00:17:26,623 What did I say? Why are we outside? 292 00:17:26,704 --> 00:17:29,582 Ted, where are we going to live? 293 00:17:29,664 --> 00:17:31,859 (Thunder and pouring rain ) 294 00:17:34,624 --> 00:17:38,458 God, Dougal. I go away for a few hours and you give away the house. 295 00:17:38,544 --> 00:17:40,978 Tell me again. What exactly happened? 296 00:17:41,064 --> 00:17:44,579 I was sticking to your rules. Number one - "Be yourself." 297 00:17:44,664 --> 00:17:48,498 No, no, no, no, no. "Be yourself" is just something people say. 298 00:17:48,584 --> 00:17:51,815 Never be yourself with women. Never, never, never! 299 00:17:51,904 --> 00:17:55,021 - What then? - I made her more comfortable. 300 00:17:55,104 --> 00:17:57,140 - Like you said. - Yes. 301 00:17:57,224 --> 00:17:59,294 So I asked her to take off her bra. 302 00:18:01,664 --> 00:18:03,495 We'll come back to that one. 303 00:18:03,584 --> 00:18:06,576 - But you gave away the house. - What about the golden rule? 304 00:18:06,664 --> 00:18:10,133 - "Give them what they want." - No. That's the silver rule. 305 00:18:10,223 --> 00:18:14,501 The golden rule is, "Think about what you're saying, then don't say it. 306 00:18:14,583 --> 00:18:18,053 "And then just run away somewhere." Right? 307 00:18:18,143 --> 00:18:21,215 All right. This is a long shot, but it's our only hope. 308 00:18:21,303 --> 00:18:24,375 I'm going to leave this paper and pencil here. 309 00:18:24,463 --> 00:18:28,979 Hopefully in the morning, God will have written down what we should do. 310 00:18:31,543 --> 00:18:33,534 That is a long shot. 311 00:18:34,983 --> 00:18:36,814 It's our only hope, Dougal. 312 00:18:36,903 --> 00:18:38,859 Come on, God. 313 00:18:49,703 --> 00:18:52,376 Ted! Ted! What is it? Did God write back? 314 00:18:52,463 --> 00:18:54,419 No, He didn't. 315 00:18:54,503 --> 00:18:56,094 Bollocks, anyway. 316 00:18:57,182 --> 00:19:00,333 Right, I'm gonna have to handle this myself. 317 00:19:00,422 --> 00:19:02,538 Basically, the thing is the house. 318 00:19:02,622 --> 00:19:04,613 It wasn't Dougal's to give away. 319 00:19:04,702 --> 00:19:06,738 It would be great to give it back. 320 00:19:06,822 --> 00:19:09,973 I think you'd be interested in the work we do here. 321 00:19:10,062 --> 00:19:13,498 I hope it's not some hideaway for paedophile priests, 322 00:19:13,582 --> 00:19:15,538 that whole thing disgusted me. 323 00:19:15,622 --> 00:19:17,533 Niamh, we're not all like that. 324 00:19:17,622 --> 00:19:21,376 Say there's 200 million priests and 5% of them are paedophiles. 325 00:19:21,462 --> 00:19:23,214 That's still only ten million. 326 00:19:24,822 --> 00:19:29,498 No, we want a world free of intolerance and hypocrisy. 327 00:19:29,582 --> 00:19:30,810 Really, Father? 328 00:19:30,902 --> 00:19:33,814 Yes. If there's one thing I hate it's hypocrisy. 329 00:19:33,902 --> 00:19:38,293 I mean the sexism rampant in the Church is appalling! 330 00:19:38,382 --> 00:19:41,533 - Yes. - God! It gets my goat! 331 00:19:41,622 --> 00:19:45,500 We're different on Craggy Island. We don't like any of that. 332 00:19:45,581 --> 00:19:49,938 Ah, Ted! Who is this lovely girl? 333 00:19:50,021 --> 00:19:53,172 Now, Ted, you were only supposed to pick one. 334 00:19:53,261 --> 00:19:56,651 Don't call me a lovely girl. I've sold 20 million records. 335 00:19:56,741 --> 00:19:57,935 What? 336 00:19:58,021 --> 00:20:00,489 Anyway, Ted, what do you think? 337 00:20:00,581 --> 00:20:02,537 This one or this one? 338 00:20:02,621 --> 00:20:04,498 You know, I like this one. 339 00:20:05,581 --> 00:20:07,890 Well, that's a nice one, Liam. 340 00:20:07,981 --> 00:20:11,894 But I like the colour of this one. Oh! I just don't know. 341 00:20:13,181 --> 00:20:15,536 Well, they're both great. 342 00:20:15,621 --> 00:20:17,851 Whichever one you pick, it'll be lovely. 343 00:20:17,941 --> 00:20:20,136 Thanks, Ted. 344 00:20:20,221 --> 00:20:24,897 You see? All sorts of alternative lifestyles catered for. 345 00:20:24,981 --> 00:20:27,939 We're a refuge for priests like Father Liam. 346 00:20:28,021 --> 00:20:31,899 Where else could he give a sermon while dressed like Joan Crawford? 347 00:20:31,980 --> 00:20:34,574 Please, Niamh, don't take away our house. 348 00:20:34,660 --> 00:20:36,218 Don't stop our good work. 349 00:20:36,300 --> 00:20:38,291 You know, I have to say, Father. 350 00:20:38,380 --> 00:20:42,339 I had no idea that priests could be involved in such good work. 351 00:20:42,420 --> 00:20:46,095 You have the old-fashioned view of drunken, lecherous priests. 352 00:20:47,740 --> 00:20:50,891 - That stereotype is long gone! - (Alarm ) 353 00:20:50,980 --> 00:20:52,652 (Alarm stops ) 354 00:20:52,740 --> 00:20:54,617 (Crashing upstairs ) 355 00:20:54,700 --> 00:20:57,851 (Thudding) 356 00:20:57,940 --> 00:20:59,737 (Clomping down stairs ) 357 00:20:59,820 --> 00:21:01,492 (Glass shattering) 358 00:21:01,580 --> 00:21:03,491 Drink! 359 00:21:04,940 --> 00:21:07,693 - Woman! - Father Billy! 360 00:21:07,780 --> 00:21:10,692 Can't talk just at the moment, see you later. 361 00:21:12,300 --> 00:21:15,895 Father Billy would be one of our more old-style priests. 362 00:21:15,980 --> 00:21:20,211 He pops around for a good old debate once in a while. 363 00:21:20,299 --> 00:21:22,494 But...he came from upstairs. 364 00:21:22,579 --> 00:21:26,128 Yes, he hides around the house so he can spring a topic on me. 365 00:21:26,219 --> 00:21:29,495 Maybe he'd hide in the bathroom and I'd go to the toilet 366 00:21:29,579 --> 00:21:32,173 and he'd jump out and say, "Women priests!" 367 00:21:32,259 --> 00:21:35,217 And I'd think very fast and say, "I'm in favour." 368 00:21:36,779 --> 00:21:39,213 Anyway, the main thing I wanted to say 369 00:21:39,299 --> 00:21:41,813 is we're huge, huge fans of yours here. 370 00:21:41,899 --> 00:21:44,254 We must have every album you ever made. 371 00:21:44,339 --> 00:21:46,375 Would you like me to sign them for you? 372 00:21:49,259 --> 00:21:51,295 Oh, that'd be great. Could you? 373 00:21:51,379 --> 00:21:53,609 Of course you should stay here. 374 00:21:53,699 --> 00:21:56,975 After I've signed the albums, I'll give the keys back. 375 00:21:57,059 --> 00:22:01,769 I'll just go and get the records. Thank you. Thank you. 376 00:22:26,138 --> 00:22:28,254 (Gasping for breath) 377 00:22:30,138 --> 00:22:32,094 Here, here...records. 378 00:22:32,178 --> 00:22:33,896 What shall I put on them? 379 00:22:33,978 --> 00:22:35,934 Don't care. 380 00:22:38,338 --> 00:22:42,013 Father, I finished digging that drainage ditch. 381 00:22:42,098 --> 00:22:44,168 No, Mrs Doyle. 382 00:22:44,258 --> 00:22:46,772 You wanted me to clean those roof slates. 383 00:22:46,858 --> 00:22:48,689 Mrs Doyle, no, don't! 384 00:22:48,778 --> 00:22:50,972 I thought I might do them tomorrow 385 00:22:51,057 --> 00:22:54,766 when there's less chance of me falling off and being killed. 386 00:23:03,057 --> 00:23:05,890 And then Sting fell down the stairs. 387 00:23:08,817 --> 00:23:11,729 Will Father Ted be coming later? 388 00:23:11,817 --> 00:23:15,412 No. He has to stay home so Mrs Doyle can come out. 389 00:23:15,497 --> 00:23:17,567 It's why I gave him the house back, 390 00:23:17,657 --> 00:23:19,727 one night out a week for Mrs Doyle. 391 00:23:19,817 --> 00:23:21,933 Maybe I should just go and check on them. 392 00:23:22,017 --> 00:23:24,212 Sit down. 393 00:23:24,297 --> 00:23:27,687 Now, come on. Let's enjoy ourselves, sisters. 394 00:23:27,777 --> 00:23:30,655 No men around, we can do what we like. 395 00:23:32,337 --> 00:23:34,532 Is that meat?! 396 00:23:36,896 --> 00:23:39,694 Do I still have to pay for this? 397 00:23:43,056 --> 00:23:45,411 (Ted) There's no button on the kettle! 398 00:23:45,496 --> 00:23:47,487 Where are the tea bags? 399 00:23:55,736 --> 00:24:00,093 Fire! Put me out, Ted, will you? 400 00:24:00,176 --> 00:24:04,647 I just wanted a cup of tea! I just wanted my tea! 30932

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