Original subtitles

>> It has been arranged specially for you, a Roomba fantasy.

[MUSIC]

>> Chicken chicken chicken chicken chicken chicken.

>> Guess what I did today?

>> Nope.

>> I booked our Christmas vacation.

[MUSIC]

>> My sister told me about these fabulous beach houses in Costa Rica.

And they only had one master.

>> Wow, wow, my foot is dead asleep.

>> Oh.

>> [LAUGH]

>> Martin, they call it the Switzerland of Central America.

>> Your lady.

>> [FOREIGN]

>> Shut up.

>> Right, right.

[LAUGH]

>> Uh, Heather.

>> Isn't it a little early to be talking about Christmas?

I mean, you know, we've only been going out for like three weeks.

>> Martin, it's been four months.

>> Every time he opens his mouth, he puts his foot in it.

>> Well, yeah, yeah, if you count the time in between the time we went out.

>> Oh.

So you don't think we'll still be together at Christmas?

>> I didn't say that.

>> You didn't have to.

>> [LAUGH]

>> I gotta go.

>> I thought things were going great.

You know what, why can't we just, you know, hang out?

>> I'm sorry, Martin.

I am looking for a relationship with some sort of a future.

>> So do I.

So do I.

What about next weekend?

Are you free?

You want to go to the Guggenheim?

You know, you say the word, you know, it's done.

[MUSIC]

>> Yes, I ain't done it all right.

[MUSIC]

>> Man, I can't believe you.

>> Heather is terrific.

>> I know.

I know.

I'm just not ready to make that kind of commitment yet.

So I need something to pry this thing out of you.

>> Like a big knifer.

>> Oh.

Thank you.

>> You know, man, there's something seriously wrong with you.

I mean, you keep throwing away these perfectly good women.

>> Look who's talking.

King of three dates and out.

>> Totally different.

I mean, when I don't want to make a commitment, it's because I'm a dick.

When you don't want to make a commitment,

it's because you're hung up on your ex-wife.

That makes you an asshole.

>> Oh, really?

Now look what you did.

Stop distracting me, will you?

And I am not hung up on Judith.

>> Oh, what are you talking about?

You're in love with her.

You gave her husband your kidney.

I had an extra.

>> Oh, come on, man.

It's been four years.

You need to just get over her and get on with your life.

>> I am over her, Eddie, okay?

Now let's just drop it.

>> Do yourself a favor.

Just throw that thing out.

>> I can't.

I promised Judith I'd make her a lasagna.

>> Excuse me.

Can I help you?

>> No, no.

I've got it just fine.

Thank you.

Not right now, pal, okay?

I'm kind of busy, do you mind?

>> Is there a problem here?

>> What?

>> The guy refuses to show his ID.

Excuse me.

Ow!

Ow!

Ow!

Ow, man.

I worked all afternoon on that.

>> Oh.

Ow!

>> Oh, God, sorry, Martin.

Jim, Steve, it's all right.

This is my ex-husband.

>> This, this.

>> Excuse me.

>> Thank you.

>> Thanks.

>> Fine, fine, fine.

Thank you.

Go ahead, Jim.

Everything's okay.

Everything's okay.

Sorry.

>> Oh, no problem.

>> No problem.

>> Oh, is that mine?

>> Oh, geez.

>> I'm glad you tightened security around the potluck dinner.

>> Yeah, sorry about that.

It's just been a little crazy, you know, with Richard being named Chief

Justice and all.

>> What?

When did this happen?

>> Oh, about an hour ago.

>> It was amazing.

>> The whole confirmation hearing only took eight minutes.

Richard admitted he smoked pot in college.

Nobody even cared.

The senators gave him a cake.

>> Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Is this the Supreme Court down in Washington?

>> Yeah.

>> She's mine.

>> Jeremy, why don't you go and make those

nice secret servicemen some lemon Ade?

>> If you want me to leave the room, just say so.

Don't make me do dumb stuff.

>> Well, I really need to talk to you.

>> Yes?

>> God, this is so overwhelming.

>> Well, I can understand why.

You know, I mean, with Richard moving down to Washington and you living here

in New York.

>> She's finally all mine.

>> Actually, he wants the three of us to go with him.

>> What?

I can't move down to Washington?

That's ridiculous.

I have a job here.

>> Uh, Martin, not you.

Three of us, you know, me and the two children.

>> Oh.

>> I know this is a big change for both of us.

I hope you're not too upset.

>> Upset?

Me?

[ Laughter ]

I'm fine.

I'm fine.

I'm just -- I'm just -- I'm just fine.

>> Mr. Stone.

>> This substance appears you've been bazania.

>> Oh, yes, Jim.

Thank you.

Why don't you just set that anywhere?

[ Speaking in Spanish ]

>> I can't believe you're actually leaving New York.

You love New York.

It's got all your shopping, you know, and there's that --

and there's that stupid hairdresser you like.

>> I'm taking this to the elevator.

>> You know, you shouldn't carry something heavy like that.

Why don't you just make two trips?

Careful there.

Now, you see how difficult it all is.

And you.

I mean, who loves New York more than you?

>> Almost everybody.

I hate New York.

>> What?

How can you say that?

I mean, come on, New York's the best, you know?

I mean, it's just got everything.

>> Like?

>> Well, like the crime.

>> Garbage.

>> Traffic.

>> The theater.

>> I never go to the theater.

>> Yeah, but it's here if you want it, you know?

And what about me?

>> The tree lighting ceremony at Rockefeller Center?

I mean, that's -- >> Come on, Dad.

It won't be that different.

Still get to see you every other weekend,

and Washington's like, you know, trained right away.

It'll be like I'd be living way downtown.

>> Right.

Well, listen, I got to get your TV back from Danny, so -- >> Uh, yeah.

Yeah, that'll be good.

Have you seen your mother?

Judith?

>> Yeah.

>> Go on.

Fight for your name.

B.M.M.!

>> Hey.

I've got a great idea.

Why don't you guys stay here?

And Richard can commute.

People do that.

Think of all the frequent flyer miles.

Pretty soon you have enough for a free trip to Honolulu.

>> I can't ask Richard to fly back and forth to New York.

>> But he's always traveling.

Come on.

When was the last time he was actually here?

Huh?

Dude, just think it over, okay?

I'm afraid you might be making a terrible, terrible mistake.

>> I'll miss you, too.

Look, I got to get going.

>> Oh, all right.

Yeah, okay.

>> Let's not say goodbye right now.

Why don't you come over in the morning?

You know, I'm leaving at 8.30 and -- >> Great, great.

I'll be there.

[ Music ]

>> Well, goodbye.

>> Don't say goodbye.

>> Yes, gee, I'd say so long.

>> I know, and I keep forgetting so long.

Oh, what's your name?

>> Ah!

>> Oh, turn that over.

I'm sleeping.

>> Sorry.

>> Ah!

>> What -- what are you doing here?

>> I live here.

I'm your wife.

Mrs. Tupper?

Spring of Belle?

>> But we -- we got divorced.

You -- you moved to Washington.

>> No.

[ Music ]

>> Are you okay?

>> Yeah.

Yeah, I was just thinking.

Wow, that was -- that was some dream, you know.

I mean, you were there and Jeremy was there

and Eddie was there and Toby was there.

>> He was Toby.

>> My secretary.

>> You don't have a secretary named Toby.

>> You know what the weirdest part was?

You were married to Richard Stone.

>> Well, that's a lovely thought, but I'm -- I'm afraid I'm stuck with you.

[ Music ]

>> Jude?

I'm all alone.

Get.

Jude?

Jude?

>> There were a plot needed to twist.

This one does.

>> Huh?

>> Heather!

Heather!

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

>> Martin!

>> No, it's okay.

Here we go.

Thank you.

>> What are you doing?

What are you doing here?

>> I was on my way to your office.

I really, really, really need to talk to you.

>> I don't think we have anything more to talk about.

I don't want to see you anymore, and please don't call me.

>> Okay, let's get married.

>> You've been taking those cold pills again?

>> No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Look, I made a terrible mistake before.

You know what?

I was confused, but I'm not confused anymore, okay?

So let's get married.

>> You're serious?

>> Make your bets, ladies and gentlemen.

>> Yes, yes, yes.

I'm completely serious.

>> But we've only been going out four months.

>> Yeah, the first four months and the rest of our lives together.

Okay, so let's just do it, okay?

Let's get married.

>> This is just a little overwhelming.

I mean, I can't answer that question here in the middle of 29th Street.

>> Okay, give it a little slack.

Little slack.

>> Okay, just forget I mentioned it, okay?

Forget I said anything.

Just have dinner with me on Friday, okay?

Come on.

Come on, please.

>> No, I don't know.

>> Great.

This is going to be great.

What do you think?

>> You're in big trouble.

>> You know what?

I don't care what you think.

This is the best decision I've ever made.

>> Don't you know what the failure rate is for second marriages?

100%.

>> Where'd you get that from?

>> My mother, my sister Gina, two for two.

That's 100%.

>> Do we have to sit here and listen to this provincial fanatic?

>> Never mind.

>> Statistics don't lie, Martin.

I can think of 20 right off the top of my head.

>> Oh, really?

>> Elizabeth Taylor, Johnny Carson, Ron and Nancy Reagan.

>> What are you talking about?

They're not divorces.

They've been married for like 45 years.

>> Just give it some time.

>> No, no, no, no, no.

You are not going to bring me down.

I think Heather's the most wonderful woman I've ever met,

and we're going to be deliriously happy together, okay?

Bye-bye.

>> I'll give it a week.

>> Mm-hmm. Bye.

Yes, yes, I'd like to order a dozen long-stemmed roses.

No, wait, wait, wait.

I need something a little more special, you know?

Do you have a flower called Heather?

>> I'll wait.

>> Ex-wife number one's on the phone.

>> She had her chance, but she mucked it.

>> Tell her I'll call her back.

>> Your ex-wife, Judith!

>> I heard you, Toby.

Tell Judith I'll call her back when I get a chance.

>> I don't even know who you are anymore.

>> Hello?

You do?

♪ Look what you've done ♪

♪ To a broken heart ♪.

♪ You gave me a chance ♪

>> Heather, I love you.

I love everything about you.

You know, I love the way you hold just these two fingers,

you know, when we're holding hands.

And I love the way you put on body lotion before and after you shower.

And I love the way you bend forks with psychic energy, you know?

I guess what I'm trying to say is... >> I'm

in the mood for marriage, getting hitched.

>> Will you marry me?

>> Oh, yes.

>> Yes, yes, of course.

>> I don't know.

>> What?

>> I mean, this is all really sweet and everything,

but I'm not looking for one of those marriages where we're together

for two years and kind of get to keep half your stuff.

>> I'm looking for something real.

>> Real?

What?

This is real?

I mean, I'm real, you know, and you're real.

>> How can you make it a propose if you haven't got enough to ring?

>> And this ring.

All right.

This is real, right?

I mean, what could be realer than that?

>> Now we're getting somewhere.

[phone rings]

>> Do you need to... >> No, no, no, no, no.

The machine will pick up.

>> Hi, this is Martin.

You know what to do and hopefully you win the do it.

>> Oh, Martin.

I'm ready to marry you.

Hello, hello.

I know you're there, Martin.

Martin.

Martin!

What is that?

Martin.

[barking]

I have no idea.

It's probably just the wrong number.

Martin!

Martin!

If she told me I know you're there because you're about to make the biggest

mistake of your life.

Martin, pick up the phone.

It's a matter of life or death.

Yours.

>> What do you want?

>> Are you watching TV?

>> No, I'm not watching TV.

>> Huh.

You might want to flip it on because Richard Stone just dropped dead and it

's all your fault.

>> What?

>> Stop yacking and turn on the TV.

>> I, Richard Stone, do something.

It's my kidney.

>> And those were Dr. Stone's final words.

He referred, of course, to the defective

kidney donated to him by Martin Tu pper.

>> Oh, my God.

>> You're not kidding.

>> And that other kidney inside of you is a ticking time bomb.

If I were you, I'd check myself into a hospital pronto.

>> Dr. Stone's widow, Judith Tupper Stone, and their two children, Jeremy

and Richard II, were immediately flown to New York along with the body,

which was cryogenically frozen at the Richard

Stone Center for experimental medicine.

>> Sure is a tragedy.

>> By the way, can I get that 50 cent job?

>> The navril has been renamed.

>> Are you looking for something between the eyes?

>> Martin.

>> What?

>> Martin.

>> Jude?

>> Jude, where are you?

>> The apartment.

>> Are you okay?

>> Oh, yeah, sure.

>> Washington was nice.

It's cherry blots sometimes.

>> This is a suicide club.

I'll be right there.

>> The answer is yes.

>> I'll marry you.

Yes, I will marry you, Martin Tupper.

>> Out of the frying pan into the snake pit.

>> Heather, Heather, I've been thinking.

>> About what?

>> Well, maybe we've been rushing things a bit.

I mean, I don't know.

I'm just so confused.

Look, I'm sorry.

When I told you I wasn't confused, I was confused.

I was so confused, I didn't realize how confused I was.

You know, I'm -- Heather, I'm a sick man.

>> I'm beginning to sense that.

>> Good.

It's better we find this out now.

Heather, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I can't explain it right now.

You know, but are you going to be okay?

>> I don't know.

[ Grunts ]

[ Music ]

>> I'll be just fine.

Ow!

[ Music ]

>> The guy says, even Caruso has to clear his throat.

>> That's great.

>> Eigle, please, what a tool!

>> Those closest to the beloved Dr. Stone lament their tragic loss.

>> More pâté, Ponsie?

>> Oh, no.

>> Oh, don't be shy.

>> Votris Votris.

>> Dude.

>> Oh, come on now.

There's plenty for everyone.

Mr. President, I didn't see you do this.

>> David, that's our broccoli can of A's right.

>> Is she a mental case?

>> I think it's kosher.

>> I won't tell.

>> No.

>> Oh, who's going to know?

>> Jude.

>> Stupid.

>> I am so, so sorry.

>> Martin, what happened to you?

>> I fell out of a cab, but are you okay?

I can't imagine what you must be going through.

>> Well, yes, I hate serving hors d'oeuvres on paper plates.

And Simone picked a fine time to go on vacation.

>> No, no, no, Jude.

I mean about Richard.

>> What about him?

>> Well, that he's, you know.

>> Don't call.

Any comment?

>> Oh, that.

No biggie.

>> No biggie?

>> Okay, okay.

So he's away.

I mean, he's always away, so I don't really see what the big change is.

>> And I think she's nuts.

>> Jude, I think you better lie down.

Come on.

>> Excuse me, but I am entertaining here.

Ah, Ambassador.

More pate?

>> Thank you.

>> Thank you.

>> What?

>> Jude, Jude, Jude, listen to me.

Richard is gone.

He's not alive anymore, Jude, and you're just going to have to face it.

>> We are talking about Richard Stone here.

The man who survived 300 days at sea

with only a walnut and two sticks of gum.

He'll be back.

You'll see.

Any day now, he could just walk through

that door and, or he could just come in and,

and he's dead.

>> Yes, yes, yes.

>> God, he's dead.

He's dead.

He's dead.

My husband is a fucking cool fuck.

>> Jude, Jude, Jude, come here.

It's the grief, everybody.

It's just the grief.

>> I feel so low.

>> Is this door right here?

>> I know.

Okay, okay, everybody get the fuck out of here.

Go on, Jude, go on.

Get out of here.

Come on.

That means I'm going to get out of here.

>> I'm going to get out of here.