Original subtitles

>> Whoa, whoa, Speed Racer, you had a phone call.

>> Who is it?

>> I forgot her name.

>> It started with a D.

>> Denise?

>> Denise?

No.

>> Daddy, daddy, daddy, oh, Dolly.

>> There's no such name as Dolly-an.

>> You're right.

[MUSIC]

>> Daddy, daddy, daddy, Dolly.

>> Doris, that's it, Doris.

>> The only Doris I know is my mother.

>> Didn't I just say that's your mother called?

[MUSIC]

>> I don't suppose you remember what you wanted?

>> I don't know, something about coming to New York, using your apartment,

gonna have an operation on Thursday, something like that.

>> What are you talking about?

What kind of an operation?

>> What do you usually get operated on?

Could be spleen, could be kidneys, must be

series coming all the way up from Florida

for something like that, don't you think?

>> Mother, she's ill.

Maybe she's dying.

>> My God.

[MUSIC]

>> Why does Grandma have to stay in my room?

She's always living half-suck candies everywhere.

>> I'm not in hell.

>> Knock it off, Jeremy.

She's staying here and that's final.

>> Man, I don't wanna go to Mom's.

>> When was the last time you changed these sheets?

>> I never changed them.

I thought you did.

Would it kill you to take a little responsibility around here, would it?

>> Geez, Dad, do some jumping Jacks or something.

>> Sorry.

[BLANK_AUDIO]

Sorry, what kind of an insane person leaves a message that she's having

an operation without telling you what it is?

I mean, what the hell am I supposed to think?

>> Can I go to a hotel?

[KNOCKING]

>> Lordy's sake.

[MUSIC]

>> Hello, darling.

>> Mom, are you okay?

What's going on?

>> That's somehow old.

I get a warmer greeting at the post office.

Jeremy, look at that delicious face.

>> What's all this about an operation?

>> Not now.

Here comes the kissing machine.

>> Mom.

[SOUND]

>> Hey, Graham, how's the flight?

>> What a schlep.

>> Mom.

>> They serve some meat.

>> Mom.

>> I swear I spit the whole thing right out.

Here, sweetheart.

I bought a present for you from the plane.

>> Pillow.

>> Mom, I'm going nuts over here.

Now, what the hell's going on?

>> Not in front of the BOY.

>> There's not much time before you, DIE.

>> That's okay, I have to G-O-N-O-W.

>> Goodbye, Jeremy.

>> See you later, Grandma.

Hope it goes okay.

>> Don't worry about me, I'll be fine.

[SOUND]

>> Mom, I wanna know exactly what's going on.

Now, I'm a big boy, okay?

So whatever it is, I can handle it.

>> I'm gonna have my face then.

[SOUND]

>> Uh-oh.

>> What?

>> They just pluck the fat out of here, pull you up like this.

>> The facelift?

>> And then you and I will look like brother and sister.

>> I don't believe you, and I can't believe you're doing this.

I mean, when Aunt Lily got one, you said she looked like a football.

>> That was before the swelling went down.

>> Now you can't even recognize her.

She looks like a gaboor.

>> Absolutely marvelous.

>> Mom, you're crazy.

You look just good.

>> Thank you.

But good is not good enough.

You should see all the girls at the club looking at Harry.

He's quite a catch, you know.

Sexy, handsome, not hooked up to a machine.

>> Mom, come on, a facelift?

>> What?

You think I like having my face carved up like a brisket?

If that's what it's gonna take for me to hold on to my Harry, that's what I

'm gonna do.

>> Oh, so this is all Harry's idea, huh?

>> No, he doesn't know anything about it, and he's not gonna find out.

>> What?

>> I told him that you're having some emotional problems, and

that's why I came up here to take care of you.

>> Oh, I see.

That's very colorful.

And how are you gonna explain the scars,

huh, that I had an anxiety attack and

tried to rip your face off?

>> You think I'm stupid?

>> I've got to count to 1,000 before I answer that one.

>> After the surgery, you'll call Harry.

You'll tell him I was in a cab, and this nun ran into the traffic because

she wasn't looking.

And the guy tried to put on his brakes, and my head went right through the

bulletproof partition.

>> Forget it.

I am not gonna have any part of this.

>> Fine.

Then Harry will leave me for Sylvia Kaufman, and there will be no one in my

life but you.

>> Ay, ay, ay, ay, I'm glad you had your accident.

>> So this nun runs into the street.

[MUSIC]

>> Thank you.

>> My God, this must be a mistake.

I'm supposed to have a semi.

>> This is a semi.

>> This is a dressing room at Lomans.

There are bodies everywhere.

Call Dr. Zutikoff.

I am not staying here.

>> It's just for one night, Mom, for God's sake.

>> Oh, really?

Would you sleep with sick women?

>> Happens all the time.

>> You're lucky to have this.

People wait weeks for a room, and they are sick.

>> Oh, well, then you should give it to them.

This is totally unacceptable.

[MUSIC]

>> All right, Mom, let's go.

Come on. >> What are you talking about?

We're not going anywhere.

Do me a favor.

Ask the woman by the window to switch beds with me.

>> What?

No.

>> She's hardly conscious.

What the hell does she need a view for?

>> I will not ask a sick woman to switch beds with you.

>> Fine.

Make your mother do everything.

Excuse me.

Eleanor.

Eleanor, we're gonna take a little ride now.

>> Mom.

>> Give me your hand.

>> Put it back.

>> Get this, will you?

>> Put it back.

>> Put it back.

>> Put it back.

>> Put it back.

Put it back.

Are you insane?

>> Listen how a son talks to a mother about to go under the knife.

>> Why do you have to turn everything into a nightmare?

>> You know, I used to think your father

was the most selfish man in the world.

But now you've got the heavyweight title.

>> All right.

All right, that's it.

I don't need this shit.

I'm out of here.

>> Fine.

Leave your mother alone in a hospital room.

That's just like you.

>> Yes, yes, that is just like me, the lousy son.

And here I go.

>> Just make sure you call Harry.

>> If Harry does leave you, it won't be because of your face.

>> Nice way to talk to your mother.

Go have children.

[MUSIC]

>> You know, if I were gonna have plastic

surgery, I'd probably have my pink ies done.

They're shorter than the rest of my fingers, you know?

Makes me feel very self-conscious.

I feel like people are staring at them.

Like you're doing right now.

Why are you staring at my pinkies?

You know, I'm sensitive about them.

>> Please, please, no!

>> I'll try to be more careful in the future.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to make an important phone call.

I do not want any interruptions.

It's just that ever since I was a kid, I just- >> Thank you, goodbye.

>> Boy, try sharing with you.

[PHONE RINGING]

>> Hello?

>> Hi.

>> Harry, it's Martin.

>> Martin, oh, your voice is like music to my ears.

Thank God you're speaking again.

>> What?

>> It's all right, Martin.

Your mother told me all about the depression and how it rendered you mute.

>> Oh.

Oh, yeah.

Well, I'm a regular little chatterbox now.

>> And the impotence?

>> It's just about gone.

Look, Harry, it's about Mom.

She, she had a little accident.

>> My Doris, what are you talking about?

>> Martin, phone call.

>> Calm down, Harry.

She's fine, you know, she's fine.

She's just, she's got a little banged up.

>> Oh my God, my beautiful girl, what happened?

>> Well, it's just, she was in a cab and apparently there was this nun.

>> Martin, Martin, Martin.

>> Please let me talk to her.

Talk to her.

>> Actually, Harry, she's in the bathroom.

>> I'll hold at the hospital.

>> What?

>> But not to worry.

>> I'm on the next plane.

>> A mother without realizing it, you've caused a great deal of trouble.

>> Great.

>> What?

>> May I talk now?

>> What, what, what, just what?

>> The hospital is on two.

>> Hello.

Yes, yes, this is he.

I'll be right there.

>> What's the matter, they pull her to a tight?

>> She was on the table and she had a heart attack.

>> Martin, sit down.

Come on.

Richard designed these chairs, they're supposed to relieve stress.

>> Thank you, I'll stand.

I should have just moved the bed.

You know, what would it have hurt?

I mean, so she wanted a view.

>> Don't do this to yourself.

>> And I never said good luck or goodbye.

You know, I just, I just yelled at her.

>> Yeah, she could be difficult.

You know that.

What do you mean, could?

You said good like past tense.

She could be difficult.

>> No, no, no, he meant, he meant can.

>> Right, did I say could?

She can be difficult.

>> Yeah, that's right.

I mean, I'm sure that she'll continue

to be strong and well and difficult for

many years to come.

>> Nurse Kellerman.

>> Yes?

>> Ah, Irving Zooteckos.

Thank God, thank God, Dr. Zooteckos.

How was she?

>> Well, I wish I had better news.

But the woman suffered a serious heart attack.

That's a Krasnik, isn't it?

>> I beg your pardon?

>> The nose, Dr. Krasnik, am I right?

>> No.

>> Well, whoever did it, damn fine job.

>> No one did my nose.

>> Excuse me, Dr. Zooteckos, my mother.

You know heart attack, malpractice suit, huh?

>> Yeah, well, she's in good hands.

She's got this cardio guy.

>> Kieran and Kinnaman, something, I did his neck.

>> Is that a very expensive procedure?

>> No, no, call me Monday, we'll talk.

>> My mother, doctor, my mother.

>> Right, right, right.

Well, obviously the next 12 hours will be

crucial, but I can promise you one thing.

If she does survive, she's gonna look fabulous.

[MUSIC]

>> Thanks, my mother, I'll kill you.

>> You!

>> Watch it, watch it, watch it.

[MUSIC]

>> There's no doubt in my mind that it's a neoplastic situation.

>> Greetings on the spinal manometer, clinch it for me.

>> A location of lesions should cause anesthesia.

>> Intercranial pressure will undoubtedly get worse.

>> There were spasms of acute pain that increased steadily.

>> Surgery is absolutely useless.

>> Death is indicated at any time.

[MUSIC]

>> You know, I always thought dad would be the first one to go.

>> How come?

>> Well, you know, 40 years in the garment business, all that bacon.

Of course, having her as his wife.

>> Stop it, she's not that bad.

>> Yeah, but she's not your mother.

You don't have to deal with the phone calls three times a week.

>> What are you doing?

That's what you're doing?

Who you seeing?

That's who you seeing?

You know, no matter what I say, you

know, I was, it's never the right answer .

>> Sure, okay, she, she can drive you crazy, but, but she means well and

she's got a good heart.

Sorry.

>> Yeah, I guess, I guess.

>> God, you remember the first time I brought you home?

>> Yeah.

>> That whole thing about you being too tall.

>> No, no, no, I don't remember that.

What, you mean like too tall for you?

>> Well, you know, I mean, too tall for your weight.

>> You mean skinny.

She said I was skinny.

>> Well, she never said skinny.

Maybe she said bony, but that was probably

just a reaction to the whole wasp thing.

The whole bony, cold wasp thing.

>> So she thought I was cold, bony and cold.

>> Come on, come on, that was before she got to know you.

>> What was it now, I'm fat and warm?

There's just no pleasing this woman, isn't it?

>> Hey, hey, I really don't think that's fair.

>> I can't believe you're defending her.

And you hated it when she came up to stay with you.

You couldn't wait until she left.

>> All right, all right, fine.

Maybe I did want her in Florida.

That doesn't mean I wanted her dead.

[MUSIC]

>> Game on.

I don't know what's in slate, and I don't know what to do.

>> You're doing fine, son.

I'm so proud of you.

Just keep on being nice.

And act as though nothing had ever happened.

You understand, don't you?

>> Mm-hm.

[MUSIC]

>> You're such a little man.

[MUSIC]

>> Martin?

>> No.

>> I didn't want to wake you.

You were sleeping so peaceful, like a little angel.

>> It's okay.

>> How is she?

>> Sit down, Harry.

I've got some bad news.

Mom's had a heart attack.

>> My God.

My God.

Was it because of the accident?

>> A varicator, one who lies, who does not tell a truth.

>> There was no accident, Harry.

>> What about the nun?

>> Forget the nun.

Forget the nun, Harry.

Mom was in the hospital for a facelift.

>> You just said it was a heart attack.

Listen, Martin, I understand you're going through some emotional problems.

>> No, no, I am not having emotional problems, Harry.

Okay, I lied about the car accident.

>> Sounds like emotional problems to me.

>> Look, Harry, Mom had a heart attack

while she was having the plastic surgery.

>> Because of the accident?

Not because of the accident.

>> Harry, Harry, there was no accident, okay?

Mom was having the plastic surgery so she could look younger for you.

>> Why?

To me, she's the most beautiful thing in the world.

That's crazy.

>> No, no, Harry, Mom's crazy, you know.

>> I can't believe this.

>> Dr. E, if I lose her, I don't know what I'll do.

>> Me, too.

>> Hey, you got a quarter I can borrow?

>> Dr. Zodikoff.

>> Oh, Mr. Tupper, I'm sorry.

I didn't know it was you.

>> No, no, no, no, no, wait, doctor, please.

Please, I'm sorry about last night, you know.

I just -- >> I just was a little stressed.

>> Yeah, well, that's understandable.

How's your mother doing?

>> How's my mother doing?

>> How the hell should I know?

You're the doctor, I'm just the guy in the waiting room.

You know, if you spent a lot of time in your backhand, you wouldn't have to

ask me questions like that.

Hey, take it easy.

I just figured that since they took her out of intensive care three hours

ago, you might know.

>> What?

>> Yeah, she's in her room.

I'm surprised you have not been up there to see her.

>> Oh, my God.

>> Mama.

>> Hey, when you're ready to get those jowls done, you know who to call.

[ Music ]

>> Coffee.

>> It's from the machine, I'm sorry.

>> Oh, yeah, don't be silly.

Smells so rich, I feel like I'm in Brazil.

>> Mom?

>> Mom, it's me.

It's more -- it's okay, you know, you're going to be okay.

>> How do I look?

>> You look like -- >> Damages with ice.

>> Like you could be my sister.

>> Really?

>> You look amazing.

>> Like Veronica Lake.

>> That wasn't funny.

>> Harry?

>> Harry's here, Mom, Harry.

>> Ah.

>> Darius, my darling.

>> I should never have gotten into that cab.

>> It's okay, Mom.

Harry knows, you know, I told him.

>> One lousy favor.

That's all I asked for.

>> She's back.

>> Darius, you didn't have to do this.

Don't you know, to me, you're the Venus de Milo with arms.

>> Tell that to Sylvia Kaufman.

I've seen the way she looks at you.

It's not like we're married or anything.

>> Married?

You want to get married?

>> I'm not going to push.

>> But you never said.

>> Well, you never asked.

>> Married?

[ Music ]

>> Oh, doesn't this look delicious?

Ellen, here.

How about some wedding jello?

It's cool and refreshing.

Well, it's here if you change your mind.

>> Thank you.

>> I think the swelling's going down a bit, don't you?

>> Must you always be so brutally honest?

>> What swelling?

>> Can barely see it.

>> Can't even tell.

>> I'd like to propose a toast to Mom and Harry.

>> Many, many, many more years of happiness and health.

>> What a speech.

So succinct.

>> So, Doris, how do you feel?

>> Like a human quilt.

How do you think I feel?

>> Well, actually, I'm in about being married.

>> Well, it's not like I haven't been married before.

Although, not to a prize like this.

>> All right, all right, honeymoon over.

Bride needs a wrist.

>> Doris, why don't you take the jello home with you?

I'll only throw it out.

>> Thanks.

She's still trying to fatten me up.

>> Farewell, my beautiful Princess.

I shall count the hours until we are reunited in the garden of our life.

>> Out!

>> Once again to fly away.

>> You too, Mr. Topper.

>> Can I just have a minute?

>> One minute.

I've got to watch.

>> And God bless my mom.

>> What the hell are you staring at?

>> Nothing.

Nothing, Mom.

I'm just glad to see you.

You know, I mean, you really put a scare into us back there.

>> Well, it was no picnic for me either.

>> I know.

I know.

Just, you know, we really thought we were going to lose you.

>> Sweetheart, don't you know that you never have to worry about that?

If I have done my job right, and I think I have,

I will always be with you, even after I'm gone.

You will always hear my voice in your head.

Wherever you go, whatever you do.

>> Yes!

Yes!