Original subtitles

And that reminds me of a story that's so

dirty, I'm ashamed to think about myself.

That's not Martin Tupper, is it?

Still a connoisseur of the arts, I see.

Oh, geez, what a surprise.

Lauren Phipps.

Phipps Tuberfarb and I finally got married.

He's German.

Hello.

Lucky you.

Oh, Martin, look at you.

What a change from high school.

You finally grew into your nose.

That thing between your eyes, just above your mouth.

Anyway, I got to grab that copy of Kickbox or two over there before somebody

else does.

It's nice seeing you.

God, everyone's changed so much.

Do you remember Cindy Dubrov and Michael Zipperstein?

I want to dance.

Ooh, ow!

Dead.

Fell out of an airplane.

Okay, well, it's nice seeing you.

Oh, you're never going to guess who I ran into.

Cheryl Castorini.

She's ready now.

You're kidding.

How's she doing? Is she married?

Oh, no.

A woman with an illegitimate daughter,

it's practically impossible to find a man.

I didn't know Cheryl had a daughter.

Oh, sure. She's only had one for 20 years.

What are you talking about?

That would mean she had a baby in high school.

Yes, yes, it would, wouldn't it?

And I wonder who could have gotten her pregnant.

[muffled screaming]

Let's see.

I seem to remember you two spending

all of senior year joined at the tonsils .

The evidence leads to only one conclusion.

But she wasn't pregnant. I mean, I...

I know what a pregnant person looks like, and she wasn't one.

Oh, really? Then why did she disappear for four months, hmm?

Oh, don't tell me you bought that story

about a sudden family vacation to France.

Yes, I did. I did buy it.

And a sap. A sentimental, stupid, gullible sap.

Oh, my God.

Well, surprise.

Oh, and a belated congratulations.

We thought you were dead, Papa.

We had lost all hope.

I have huge news, huge, life-changing news. You know, it's the hugest.

I'm ready.

I have a kid.

Jeremy.

No, no, no, not that kid.

Another kid. I have a 20-year-old daughter.

Since when?

Since 20 years ago.

Do you remember when Cheryl Castorini went to France?

Yeah.

Well, she didn't go to France. She was having a baby. My baby.

Are you shitting me?

No, I am not shitting you.

Lauren Tubelfarben told me.

Tubelfarben. Vips.

Vips. Vips. Vips. Lauren Vips.

I ran into her last night, and she told me

that Cheryl's kid was... What was my kid?

Oh, my God.

Who would marry Lauren Vips?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. This is huge.

Huge. Yes, yes, yes, it is huge.

What am I gonna do?

Eddie.

What would you do?

I don't know.

No, um... I would want to meet her.

You know, get to know her. Definitely get to know her.

I mean, she's your daughter.

I'm awful crazy about you too, Daddy.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. I get you right.

And besides, you wouldn't want to accidentally pick her up in a bar or

something, you know?

Tell me what's your way, kid, and I'll buy you a doll.

Cheryl.

You're early.

Well, I couldn't wait to see you.

It's easier. You look terrific.

Oh, thanks. You know, you didn't have to come all the way up.

I wouldn't mention the lobby.

Oh, no, no. Happy to do it. You know me.

You voted most likely to climb stairs.

This is for you.

Oh, thanks.

Well, let's go.

Have a hunch on this one.

They don't pay off on hunches, kid.

There's a little thing you need called evidence.

Uh... aren't you gonna take that to the kitchen?

Why?

Well, because I was hoping maybe you'd bring me back a glass of water.

I'm kind of parched, you know? All those stairs.

Oh, okay. Back in a minute.

You know, I'm not 18 anymore, you know?

No!

Can't climb the way I used to.

Used to take them two or three at a time.

This is a certain resemblance to me, don't you think?

Or do I chatter myself?

She's cute, isn't she?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, she looks just like you.

Who is she?

Oh, it's my cousin.

This place, if you're even like a minute

late, they like to give away your table.

It's sort of their gimmick, so we should get going.

Oh. I ain't going no place till I finish what I came here to do.

Okay.

Linda! We have neighbors, you know!

Eureka!

Linda?

Who's Linda?

Oh. Um... Uh, my daughter.

My flesh and blood, my heart, my brains.

Oh. Right.

Right. Lauren Phipps Tubelfarben said you had a daughter.

I'd love to meet her.

Yeah.

Martin, there's something I have to talk to you about.

You remember senior year when I went away to France?

Keep calm, everybody. There's nothing to be afraid of. I'll handle it.

You are having my baby! I knew it!

I knew it! How could you let this go on for 20 years without telling me, Don

't you think I have her right?

Mom! Are you reading my Hubert Selby book in the tub again?

Oh. I'm sorry.

Hi.

I'll leave you two alone.

I am standing around with egg on my face.

She's black. I know.

And that would make me an idiot.

Right.

Who's her father?

Eddie Charles.

See that again? Oh my God.

Yeah.

You said Eddie.

What's that?

Eddie.

See that again? Oh my God. Yeah.

You slept with Eddie? How could you? I gave you my ID bracelet.

I know. I'm sorry. It was a mistake.

A mistake? A mistake? Putting your shirt on backwards. That's a mistake.

Salt in your cereal. That is a mistake.

Hey, Martin. It was 20 years ago, all

right? I said I'm sorry. Can we let it drop?

Okay.

Okay, okay. You're right.

All right.

It was after the bonfire, wasn't it? Flat tire my ass.

Martin.

All right.

All right.

I'm sorry. It was just a lot to deal with.

I can't believe that he has a daughter.

Look, he's gonna freak.

What do you mean he's gonna freak?

You're not so friends with him, are you?

You'll bet me money, real money, that I can't tell the truth.

Are you kidding?

I can't remember the last time I saw him.

I mean, I've seen his show, but I haven't, you know, like seen him.

Oh, seen him. Good.

Because Eddie doesn't need to know.

Linda and I have been doing just fine on our own, so...

So if you happen to bump into him or something like that, just...

Don't say anything, all right? Not a problem.

Bump into him? What would I bump into him? Good.

So, man, what do you want to watch?

Uh, I don't care. You know, you pick.

I was thinking something topical, like bringing up baby.

Knock it off, Eddie.

I'm sorry. Sorry. Cheap shot.

Yeah, why don't we get you out of the comedy section, huh?

Oh, this is supposed to be good.

Not without my daughter, Eddie.

Hey, hey, it's Sally Fields. You love Sally Fields.

Eddie, I talked to Cheryl yesterday.

Oh, yeah? What did she say?

Where's Papa?

Keep trying it. Okay, Eddie. You want to know the truth?

Huh? I'll tell you the truth. She's not my daughter, okay?

She's... She's... Shh! She's Skipper Bensley's.

Who, me?

Skipper Bensley's? You're kidding.

Hey, no one was more surprised than me, because he knew.

He knew I was going out with her.

Dog by a guy on the math team.

You must behave shit.

Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm about this close to

beating the shit out of Skipper Bens ley.

Well, at least she's not yours. That must be some kind of relief.

You must feel very proud of yourself.

Yeah, yeah. It really is.

Hi.

Oh, Cheryl. Would that I could be your comb?

Oh, no. No, no. I can't believe you saved that.

You know, I just... To run my plastic teeth through your silken hair.

To slide down aldrin slopes like a skier on a mountain of desire.

Yeah, well, you can stop any time. Thank you.

You have me in your back pocket.

Flexible. Unbreakable.

Let me remove every snarl and every tangle.

Parting is such sweet sorrow.

Hey, to our grandpa, it's wonderful. I'm all a florter.

I think you were stoned.

No, no. I'm afraid not. But it seemed like

such a neat metaphor at the time, you know.

But now that I've aged incredibly, it seems...

Hey, bud. You want to shoot some hoops?

Eddie?

Cheryl Castorini? Look at you.

That does make the gravy thick.

Oh, my God. Is that Eddie Charles?

You haven't changed a bit.

What? This is like old home week.

You know, first Lauren Fitzdougal Farben, and then Cheryl, and now you.

I love your show. What are you talking about?

How long has it been, Eddie? What, about 20 years?

Maybe I should come back.

Okay. Okay. Well, now that you know where I am, don't wait another 20 years.

Oh, cut the crap. You told him, didn't you?

No. No, I didn't tell him.

What, about the kid?

You son of a bitch. You promised me.

And I didn't tell him. I told him she

was, you know, a Skipper Bensley's kid .

Skipper Bensley?

Who, me?

Wait a second. Wait a second. So she's not Skipper Bensley's kid?

Then she is yours.

No, no, Eddie. She's not mine.

Well, then who's is she?

[Music]

Wait. Me?

Oh, no way. That's impossible. Oh, really? Oh, really? After the bonfire,

flat tire. Does that ring a bell? Huh?

Yeah. But we only did it once.

And as they taught us in health class, that's all it takes.

You're telling me. Why didn't you tell me?

Oh, please, Eddie. Let's face it. You weren't

the most responsible person back then.

Or the most loyal.

Shut up. This is bullshit. I mean, you could at least give me a chance. Does

she even know who I am?

No. No, she doesn't.

Well, it's about time she does. I mean, she's my daughter, too.

Okay. Fine. When do you want to meet her?

Let me get back to you on that.

Same old Eddie.

It's been great running into you, too.

Eddie. Eddie.

Cheryl.

I've mercy on the poor and ignorant bastard.

Are you okay?

Yeah. Let's go shoot some ooze.

What?

Eddie. Eddie, wait a second.

You know, I can't believe you. Last week you said if she was yours, you'd

like to meet her and get to know her

and, you know, take some responsibility .

Well, that's when she was your daughter. Now she's my daughter. I totally

disagree with myself.

Now, come on. Loser buys a beer.

Eddie, aren't you even in the least bit curious?

No. And what am I supposed to do anyway? Walk in off the street and say, "Hi

, I'm your father."

She would think I was a total asshole.

Yeah, yeah, but you're not just any asshole. You know, you're...

The biggest whopper of the year.

You're Eddie Charles.

You know you're right. I am Eddie Charles. I forgot.

Can you imagine finding out after all these years that your father was me?

He had two feet hold.

It's like winning the lottery. Yeah. Come on. She's got to see me. I mean, I

'm her father. Her daddy, her own flesh and blood.

What was her name again?

[MUSIC]

Linda. Hi, I'm Eddie Charles.

Hi.

Oh, I'm coming in.

[DOOR OPENS]

So, will your mother be joining us?

Nope. No help there.

Oh, can I get you something to drink?

No, I just drank. Yeah, outside, some water.

[LAUGHS]

So... So... So when's your birthday?

January 29th.

What a coincidence. Mine's June 8th.

Um, how is that a coincidence?

Well, they're both months that begin with J.

Well, I guess coincidence wasn't the right word.

Um, uh... So, you have a TV show, right?

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, that's pretty terrific.

Yes, yes. Have you seen it?

No.

Sorry. I really don't get to watch much TV. I mean, with school and all.

Oh, right. School.

So, what are you studying?

Communications.

Um, I'll probably go into PR.

Done.

Excuse me?

I'll set it up with my guy. I mean, he's

with one of the biggest agencies in New York.

You know, by Monday, you'll have a big office overlooking the park.

Um, I'm just a sophomore.

Oh, right. Right, right, right, right.

Um... You want a car?

What?

I can buy you a car. What kind would you like?

No. Thank you.

No, no. I-I mean a real car. You know, with doors and windows, you know,

when you can drive around in.

Yeah, you know, I'm completely familiar with the concept, but I really don't

want a car.

Oh, come on. I'm your dad. Let-let me buy you a car.

I don't want a fucking car!

[sighs]

I-I'm sorry.

No, no, that's okay. I, um... Maybe I should go.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Um, it was nice to meet you.

You too. Uh... So... Okay.

I'm sorry!

Al, this is Christ. Would you please?

I'm sorry. It's just... Yes. I seen the puck. Good call.

Since when do you watch hockey?

Well, it's the Stanley Cup playoffs, and Richard's officiating.

Daddy! You're a stater!

Gretzky, could you skate over and get the door for me, please?

She doesn't watch my show.

What kind of person doesn't watch her own father's show?

What happened? You know, I don't know what more I could have done.

I offered her a job. I offered her a car.

She doesn't want to have anything to do with me.

Eddie, maybe it came on a little too strong. You know what I mean?

You can be that way.

Oh, what? Like, uh, like it's my fault?

What do you know anyway? You weren't even there!

Anybody want a beer?

Well, I'm gonna have one.

Eddie, look, maybe she wants a little more than a... A car.

Oh, what? Like a condo? I just met her.

What kind of suggestion is that? A condo!

Actually, I was thinking of something

a little more personal. You know, like ...

Well, I don't know. Maybe it is... A hug. A hug.

Jeremy, if you had a choice between a

car and a hug, which one would you take?

Hmm, I don't know. Maybe the car?

In fact, if I could have the car and the hug, I'd still just want the car.

See? Any more bright ideas, Mr. Smart Guy?

Jude, could you... It was a rather simplistic suggestion.

Okay. Okay, fine. Maybe she didn't want a hug.

You don't mind helping, you can figure it out for yourself.

I'll be sewing.

All right, look, maybe I'm just a little scared here.

Yeah, I mean, what if she doesn't like me? What if she never likes me?

I don't know if I could deal with that.

Well, don't look at me. I'm too simplistic.

Jude, why don't you end?

Well, Eddie, what you're experiencing is perfectly valid.

It is?

Yes. These feelings could stem from an innate lack of self-worth,

or from difficulties with your own parents,

which could result in your harboring a wounded inner child.

Martin, man, you've got to help me out. I'm just not ready for this, man.

I mean, there's really enough hours in the day to think about myself, much

less a daughter.

Eddie.

Of course it's scary.

I mean, usually when a woman thinks you're

a diggy, you just break up with her, right?

Yeah.

Well, do something different for once in your life.

Go back there and try to work it out. Otherwise, you're going to miss out on

something that's really just... You know, really terrific.

Dad, you fucked up my favorite shirt. Nice going.

Just be thankful you missed your teen years.

(NON-ENGLISH SPEECH)

Hi. Again?

Hi.

I brought you some tapes of my show. I thought we could watch them together.

Or not. Up to you. I could just leave...

Why don't I just go ahead and leave ?

That's good. Thanks.

You have a VCR? I'd be happy to buy you one if you didn't have one.

Or not. Again, entirely up to you.