Original subtitles

So I figure no problem.

You know, I'm never gonna see this guy again.

Okay, so now it's two hours later.

I'm standing on the corner, right?

I'm trying to hail a cab.

[ Laughter ]

Would you cut it out?

This is not the school cafeteria.

[ Laughter ]

I need the discipline of a father.

Can we please just eat dinner like adults?

-Okay. -All right.

Anyway, this taxi cab pulls up, you know?

[ Laughter ]

I hate kids!

That was an $8 piece of beef.

Here, it was worth it.

You know what?

I'm gonna keep this just to teach you a lesson.

Hey, guess who's gonna be on my show tomorrow?

[ Gunshot ]

[ Speaking Spanish ]

-Borns Henderson? -No.

Rio Saunders.

You got to be shitting me.

Mm-mm.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Who's Reno Saunders?

Well, Rio, Dad. Rio.

She plays Melinda on "Classroom 310"?

She's not like the biggest star in the world.

And she's gonna be making birthday cake.

She cooks, too?

That is so unbelievably excellent.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Isn't she the one who sucker-punched that photographer outside of Phonique?

Yeah.

Aw, man, you can't believe everything you read in the tabloids.

They're saying that I'm sleeping with Cher.

Sleeping with? One time!

Cher and Cher alike.

You want to come and meet Rio?

No way. I'm so there.

Excuse me.

Am I mistaken, or is tomorrow school done?

So, Miss Jim class, it's not like I plan on

becoming a professional dodgeball player.

Come on.

The poor little kid like that wants a break.

What do you tell him?

I'm sorry, Jeremy, but you know the rules.

School is school, and that comes first.

I don't believe that's what you thought.

Opening day at Yankee Stadium 1968?

Strike one!

Or '69?

Strike two!

Or '70?

Strike three!

All right, all right, all right.

You can go.

Great. Thanks, then.

Thanks, Aunt D'Lettie.

Oh.

Oh, man.

[laughs]

[upbeat music]

[screams]

[upbeat music]

♪♪

Well, Rio, that recipe really takes the cake.

Oh, man. I'm so tingly.

Thanks.

Now comes my favorite part.

I can't wait.

Nice, even strokes.

From the base to the tip.

[sad music]

Huh?

Not too fast, not too slow.

Don't rush it.

[explosion]

Make it last.

Oh, yeah. Here it comes.

It looks like someone has done this before.

[sad music]

Mmm. Mmm.

Good to the last drop.

Well, unfortunately, that is our last drop of time.

Join us tomorrow when we randomly pick the name of Christy's baby from cards

sent by you, the viewer.

Oh, yeah. And let's just hope it's a good one.

[laughs]

Bye-bye, everyone.

Bye-bye. We'll see you tomorrow.

And we're out.

Nice show, baby. Thank you.

Well, well, well. [laughs]

That was quite the show you put on there.

What do you mean?

You know, the way you handled that icing bag.

I mean, you would think it was a-- Well, you know.

Never mind.

Okay. Hey, Mr. Charles, do you think I

can have an autographed picture of you?

Well, yeah, sure.

[kisses]

There you go. Enjoy.

Wow. Thanks.

Hey, Martin, Jeremy.

Come on, guys. You want to meet her?

[groans]

Oh, real. There's someone I'd like you to meet.

This is Jeremy Tupper, my executive producer.

Hi.

I'm your biggest fan.

God, that's a total power geek thing to say.

Oh, no, not totally.

So, do you, uh-- do you like being an actress?

Yeah. It's fun.

Uh, Jeremy?

Is that your dad?

No.

You know, I really like that movie where your dad played a fireman.

Great show, huh?

Yeah. Yeah, but that girl. Jesus.

What? She didn't upstage me, did she?

I staged you? She did everything that would blow you.

Oh, man. Get your mind out of the gutter.

She's a very sweet girl.

You're in a mighty touching scene here.

I remember when I was his age, you know.

I used to think those girls from "Petticoat Junction" were just-- [music]

[screams]

Jeremy!

Jeremy, come here right now.

[music]

[laughs]

I'll call you.

Bye.

Rio kissed me.

Yes, yes, we know.

Yes!

You'll never believe it. She said she'd go out with me.

[music]

Way to go, champ. You the man.

Woo!

Stop it.

I don't suppose we could use the apartment tonight to watch a movie.

That's correct. That's correct.

Shall we move on to the lightning round?

It's Rio Saunders.

I'm sorry, Jeremy. I just don't think you should be going out with them.

Ho!

Girl. So thank your uncle Eddie and let's go.

This blows.

Yeah, I know, man. I've been there.

Hey, do you think I could use your place?

I don't know, champ. I don't think your dad would like that.

So don't tell him. I won't.

Hey, I thought we were pals.

Hey.

All right. I'll leave the key with the doorman.

Yes!

Hey, Buck.

The game just started.

Hey. Hey. Excuse me. Can I have a beer, please?

Forget it. You cut it off.

What?

I just got here.

All right. But I'm watching you.

Saw your show today, Mr. Charles.

It was really quite the entertaining.

Well, thank you. Thank you very much.

When that girl Rio licked cake bed, rough her fingers.

I almost blew a load of my pants.

And if I could have some pretzels too, that'd be great.

Can you believe Jeremy?

Huh?

Wanted me to leave him alone with that girl.

Well, that wouldn't be the worst thing in the world.

No, not for you. He's not your son.

Oh, Martin. They're kids.

Think about what we were like when we were that age.

Say, K, next Friday there's gonna be a weenie roast.

Or there'll be a bowling party if you'd rather do that.

Kids were different then. Oh, come on. Kids are kids.

This is, uh... Different?

Not in a bad way.

My mother did it to boost her in a movie once.

That's, uh, Lord Earnest's dad, right?

Come on. When we were 15, we were clueless.

Speak for yourself, okay? I was a very mature 15.

You passed out in assembly when Cheryl

Cassarene's hair touched your math book.

And had nothing to do with it. I didn't have breakfast that day.

She had great hair to do.

[Laughing]

Ooh. I like your tattoo.

Thanks. It, uh, didn't hurt at all.

You wanna see mine?

Sure.

Was that a blender?

It's a Chinese symbol for tranquility.

That was my next guess.

I got it when we did Classroom Three tangos to Hong Kong.

That was my favorite episode.

We, uh, took a field trip to the Stock Exchange last week.

There were all these guys throwing stuff around and screaming.

It was wicked loud.

Oh. Well, it sounds interesting.

Watch this.

What are you gonna do with that?

[Mumbling].

Ooh.

I don't know.

Maybe I was a little hard on term.

Well, you can be that way.

Can I, uh, can I get you some more pretzels?

Sure. Sure, thanks.

Great. Can I get you anything else for free?

Uh, maybe some mustard, a pack of napkins, my shirt, uh, my wallet.

Hey, maybe you'd like to fuck my wife.

That's a very difficult question to answer.

Uh, you know what? Just forget the pretzels. I'm fine.

Ooh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Uh-oh.

Beefer.

Shit. It's my producer.

Just a second. I can't believe this asshole.

I'll just, uh, wait here.

I'm gonna call Jeremy.

Uh, no.

Don't do that. Why not?

Uh, because, um, the game's on.

Don't want to miss the game.

I mean, nothing beats watching a good game.

What are you talking about?

We're not shooting tonight.

Well, nobody called me.

Uh, Rio?

No. You cannot give my lines to Brittany.

Because I'm prettier than she is. That's why.

Rio? Rio?

Rio? Rio?

I've got to get to the set.

Thanks for watching. Bye.

All right. We're coming back.

Yeah. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.

What's going on?

Wait. We were watching that.

Sorry. The People's Choice Awards.

I'm predicting a murder she wrote sweep.

That's wonderful.

Come on. Come on. This is a sports ball.

I'm gonna get you a drink.

That's wonderful. Come on. Come on. This is a sports ball.

Hey. Hey. You want a piece of me?

Hey.

He ain't quite right in his head, he ain't.

Why don't we finish watching the game in your place, huh?

Or, uh, we could go to your place.

Damn. Damn. The table's out.

Besides, you're the one with the big new TV you've been yacking about since

the morning.

Uh-huh. Uh, or we, uh... You know, my place is way across town.

Have you heard about these yellow cars that for money will take you anywhere

you want to go?

I believe they're called Taxi Cab. Come on.

All right. Let me just make a phone call, because I have to, um...

Call, uh, somewhere.

Fine. Fine.

Uh... Oh, no. I'll wait outside.

Hi. This is Eddie Charles.

I'm not here, but I'm thinking about you.

That's for sure.

Jeremy, are you there?

Jeremy!

Listen, your dad and I are coming over. We're on our way. So if you're there

, go home.

Okay?

Jeremy?

We'll be right back after this.

I guess you're not there.

Shit! This is fucking perfect.

Ow!

Great. Can I get you a beer?

Yeah, I'd love a beer.

Ooh, boy.

Oh, my God!

What? What? This TV.

It's huge. You weren't kidding, were you?

It's great, isn't it?

Here you go. Thanks.

You know, the great thing about Ewing is, he's like the ideal combination of

offensive defense.

Sorry?

13 seconds.

Fine player, Ewing.

What the hell?

You and cuff me, Uncle Eddie.

I can't fucking believe this. You said you were just going to watch a movie.

You know, change of plans.

Key. Key.

There's my fucking key.

What's that?

Nothing. I was just singing.

And I got a brand new TV.

Ah ha.

Ha! Found it.

Must have fallen in my drawer.

Thank God.

What happened?

Are you all right?

Jeremy. Jeremy!

Okay! Okay!

Come on, Jeremy. What's the deal?

I really don't want to talk about it. I just want to go home.

Eddie! Eddie, you're going to miss this!

Be quiet.

All right, Dave. This will be coming in.

What are you doing?

I'm missing a great game.

Don't look at my refrigerator.

What for?

I got a lemon the size of a soccer ball. You wouldn't believe it.

What am I supposed to do? Celebrate?

Really? Go. Go. Go see it. It's amazing.

Okay. I haven't seen a lemon all day.

Come on. Come on.

Is this the one you're talking about?

Because I've seen much bigger ones than this.

No, I'm not. I'm going to say he's still got eight seconds left now.

Shut the fuck up.

Jeremy?

What are you doing here?

Well, I was returning my plunger.

Thanks a lot, champ.

When did you come in? I mean, I've been gone for like two seconds.

He's been here. He was in the bathroom, plunging away.

Didn't you hear the "thwaka thwaka thwaka"?

How much did I owe you?

I don't know. What, 50 bucks?

50 bucks? Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

I'm not an idiot. He's not a plumber. What the hell is going on here?

I, uh... Jeremy had a date with Rio, and I said they could use my place.

So if you're going to be mad at anyone, be mad at me.

Okay. You're grounded for a month.

Fine. Can we go home now?

Don't smart off to me, mister. You're grounded for two months.

You? I'll deal with later. Let's go.

Man.

Oh, jeez.

[♪♪♪]

Oh, well, well. Look who's here.

Did you, uh, bring by some hookers for my son? Maybe a switchblade or...

Some drugs? Look, I know you're pissed.

No, no, no, no, no. This isn't pissed.

Pissed is when you gave Jeremy a BB gun for his eighth birthday.

This is... There's no word for what this is!

Look, I'm sorry. You're right. You know, I fucked up.

But... Have you talked to Jeremy about... The other night?

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I think he got me loud and clear.

And if he didn't, he'll have plenty of time to think about it

while he's grounded for the next four months.

Unless, of course, you're planning a breakout.

Okay, okay. I get it. You're upset, all right?

Look, I'm just saying, instead of grounding Jeremy, maybe you should try

talking to him.

Oh, really? Well, you are the last person

who should be giving parenting advice.

And what is that supposed to mean?

You're nothing but a big baby.

Oh, oh, I want a big TV. I want to play with my mashed potatoes.

When you're a parent, sometimes you have to have discipline.

Sometimes you have to be the bad guy.

And maybe if you could stop being the bad guy for a fucking second,

you would realize that something is going on with Jeremy.

And what he needs right now is a good guy.

Thanks for telling me.

[music]

What am I, a man or a mouse?

I love your haircut.

No, it looks really great.

You want a soda or something?

How about a beer?

Two grape sodas coming up.

So, tell me about the big date with Rio.

Has it gone beyond a kiss yet?

What'd you guys do? Did you go to the

movies or have dinner or just have sex ?

I'm just making conversation.

No, we didn't have sex.

Jeremy, it's okay. I mean, you can tell me if you did.

You know, I want you to be able to talk to me about these things.

I know, Dad, but I didn't.

Oh.

You really can't tell me if you did, you know.

All right. You want to know what happened?

She handcuffed me to a bed, masturbated with a vibrator, and then left.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Are you okay?

Well, when she left me there chained

to the bed, I mostly felt like a doofus .

But other than that, it was fun in a weird way.

Jeremy, sex is different things to different people, you know.

I mean, some people like to...

tie each other up. Other people, they

don't even want the lights on, you know.

So when the time comes, you'll figure out what you like.

I think I liked it better the times I did it without handcuffs.

Well, see? See, there you go.

You mean you've... you've had sex?

Well, not with Ryo. She just tied me up and masturbated.

I know, I know, I got that part.

You're not a... A virgin?

No. No, not for a long time.

Not since Christmas.

[laughs]

Merry Christmas, little kitties.

Are you okay, Dad?

I don't know, Henry. Things are different now.

Sure. Sure.

I know this has a lot for you to do.

But it's bound to happen sometime.

I mean, I'm growing up, and that's gonna

mean some adjustments for both of us.

Is there a chiropractor in the house?

You know what?

We're gonna be okay.

What? That's what I was gonna say.

There's never a problem so great between his son and his parents that it can't

be worked out.

Yeah, what do you say, huh? Two beers?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. That'd be great.

And get yourself a soda.