Original subtitles

Martin, you're going to be late for work.

What do you mean? It's only 8 o'clock.

Trust me, you're going to be late.

Nothing can persuade me.

No, no, no, no, really, really, I have to

get to that meeting with Mac and Ashland.

Perfect, and already in position.

Although they're practically never on time.

Yes, yes, go and get it.

The beach is in Greece.

But the rhythm of the beach is uneven.

If only I can keep it going.

Oh shit.

I'm always in a hurry, honey.

Always in a hurry.

I'm going to be late.

I told you.

Lock up for me, will ya?

I'll see you at the office.

That's enough.

Get to the showers.

Ta-da!

What are you trying to do?

Give me a heart attack.

I dyed my hair.

You like it?

It's not human.

It's the hair of an ape.

It's brown.

Chocolate almond brown.

You like it?

Tell the truth.

Uh, no.

Hi.

Hi.

I'm sorry I'm late.

I was... stuck on the subway.

Ah, don't worry about it.

Whoa, look at you.

You been working out?

Doesn't he look terrific?

Oh, cut the shit, Mac.

He looks fine.

So, uh, so where's the book?

Is it wonderful?

Huh?

Small problem with the book.

It's not exactly what you'd call... Yet. But soon. Real soon.

Soon.

We go to press in two weeks.

Soon is not what I need right now.

What I need right now is a manuscript about this thick.

Now... How far have you gotten?

Look, you might as well forget about the book.

We've been stuck on the carriage scene for six months.

She's stuck. I got a million ideas.

Unfortunately, they all suck.

What?

I'm not sure.

I got a million ideas.

Unfortunately, they all suck.

Whoa, is that one of your fancy Smith College words?

Come on, come on.

Let's keep it positive.

Okay, so... We're in the carriage with the Baroness riding along, right?

Clip-clop, clip-clop, clip-clop, in there.

On the side of the road is the peasant boy.

Okay, what happens now?

She runs over and kisses him.

Great! Great! Now, I like that.

You are an emotional midget.

There is no way she would kiss him after what he did to her.

Okay, okay, all right.

I mean, we can entertain her the suggestions.

She should shoot him in the head.

Yeah, right.

Kill the main character in chapter six.

You're a genius.

Why not?

That way we can type the end on it,

and I won't have to look at your stupid face anymore.

So, we're in the carriage.

And by the way, the peasant boy is not the main character.

If it weren't for the Baroness,

he'd still be riding in a vice column for the Detroit Free Press.

Eat me.

Ooh, that's clever.

I think we may have a new title.

When I see how silly people behave, I'm glad I'm a camel.

Excuse me.

May I make an observation?

You guys aren't blocked. You're fucked.

And if you don't have this book in two weeks, then I'm fucked.

So, you better get some help.

And quick.

Okay.

Now, here's the name of a therapist.

Oh, I'm not going to see any therapist.

That's so...obvious.

Of course you wouldn't want to go.

A therapist who's been right through your

bullshit before your butt hit the couch.

Ooh, he stung you there.

You're not going to let him get away with that, are you?

Get that.

He doesn't care about me.

He cares more about our fucking doorman's feelings than he does about mine.

I cannot believe you just said that.

You have to bring the doorman into this.

The man is a prince.

He fought two wars for this country.

And every day, no matter what kind of mood he's in, it's always, "Good

morning, Mac. Good evening, Mac. Always with a smile."

So just leave Nelson out of this.

I can't talk to him. He's an idiot.

You know what? Why don't we try a role-playing exercise?

Mac, you be Ashlyn, and Ashlyn, you be Mac.

Just relax and talk about whatever comes to mind.

(Sighs)

Hi, Ashlyn.

Hi, Mac.

No, you're doing great. Just keep going.

Say, you pick up any coffee?

Yes, it's in the cabinet.

I don't see any coffee.

No, not that cabinet, the other one.

Okay, that's just a great beginning, but maybe now we could try and go a

little deeper.

Oh. Oh, I get it. Okay.

I'm a little upset because I can't find the coffee.

Sorry, honey. I forgot to pick it up.

I was too busy fucking our business manager's assistant.

You won't let that die, will you?

Maybe if I apologized, you'd feel a little better.

Are you still playing Mac, or are you just... Who's who's who here?

He's the one who can't keep his dick in his pants.

I'm the one who stayed in character.

Uh-huh. Okay, so what I'm hearing is that Mac had an affair.

One night, she meant nothing to me. I didn't even buy her food.

Is that supposed to make me feel better, you piece of shit?

Okay, I am sensing that there's a little anger here.

Infidelity often does generate mistrust.

But we can work through that, through communication.

He can rot in hell for all I care.

And see your family?

Ah, excellent. The barriers are really beginning to come down now.

And we will be exploring this further, but first, could I have my egg back?

Excuse me.

You know, my cousin's friend once opened a bag of corn chips,

and there was nothing inside but human fingers.

Come on. That never happened.

Sure it did.

Here, Toby, I got you some chips.

Nice hair. It's pretty.

Oh, thank you, Toby.

Well, I'd better go back upstairs.

Alan's waiting on the cover art for the new Libby Friedman book.

Okay.

[Music]

Here, Gibby called from Australia. He said it was extremely urgent.

Toby, this phone number's missing the last two digits.

Well, then you better start dialing.

Why don't you be nice to her?

Toby, I'm sorry about your hair.

I mean, what I said about your hair.

You know, it's just that you look awful.

You surprised me.

I know it looks bad, but would it have been so tough to lie?

You said tell the truth.

Oh, please. Don't you think I have feelings?

I ought to have you killed.

Hey. Saved by the bell.

Hello. Shall we?

Toby, nice hat. You think? Yeah.

Excuse us.

So, you saw Judith, huh?

How'd it go?

Well, we've got a lot of work to do.

A lot of work. So let's get to it, huh?

No, no, no. He's talking about the relationship.

Thanks to him, we're so damaged, we can't write anymore.

She's got a lot of anger.

So we're gonna put the book on hold and, well, you know, concentrate on us.

You make me so much trouble.

Come on. Come on. You can concentrate on two things at once, or you can't.

I often watch TV and read a magazine at the same time.

Judith thinks we should stay as far away from the book as possible.

She was fairly clear on that point.

She was, was she?

You see? That's what leads to her own diapnosis.

Oh, hi. I ordered you a nice tea.

Are you insane?

What? You love iced tea.

What the hell did you tell Mac and Ashlyn?

Martin, you know better than that. Professional ethics.

Don't mime in front of me. I want to know what you--

Hi, I'm Nancy. How are you folks doing today?

Fine. Good. Have you had a chance to look over your menu?

Uh, yes. Can I have a Cobb salad, please?

You sure can. And for the gentleman?

I don't care.

Fantastic. Looks like it's Nancy's day to choose.

What do you plan to do about this?

About what?

About the book. I need the book.

You were supposed to get them to finish the book.

Martin, I'm a therapist.

My first priority is getting Ashlyn and Mac's relationship back on track.

The writing was getting in the way.

Are you sure?

What are you doing?

Come on. I'm desperate.

Help me out here, will ya?

I'm sorry, but I have a professional responsibility to my patients,

and I am not about to jupred us.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's all bullshit anyway.

Look, you can make them do whatever you want.

Why can't you make them do what I want? Is that so hard?

This discussion is over. And by the way, I'm sorry.

For what?

What's the matter? Eggs cold?

Wine cob salad? And for the gentleman, the fisherman's platter.

Refill on the ice tea?

You're as funny as a cry for help.

Ashlyn?

May I come in? I was just out walking and... I don't know.

What a spiffy.

Is something wrong?

Everything. Everything's wrong.

Have you tried writing? Sometimes that's

just the trick, you know, the writing.

Things haven't been the same between Mac

and me since... Since you stopped writing?

Since you screwed around on me.

Oh. I'm sorry.

Have you thought about working it into the book?

I can't work with Mac right now.

Judith says I still have too much anger towards him.

Well, there's an old saying.

Fuck me, Martin.

That's not the one I was thinking of.

Make love to me. Right now.

If you're losing your buttons...

Maybe if I can make things even, I can let go of the anger.

No, no, no, no, no. Stop that.

No one will ever know.

Ashlyn, I really don't think this is a good idea, you know.

Protect me in this my hour of temptation.

What was I saying?

Martin, I think I just got a great idea.

Oh, no. No, no, really.

In the carriage scene.

I can't. Really, I shouldn't. You know what?

It just goes against everything that I'm all about.

And I... That feels good.

That was absolutely incredible.

You know the part I like the best?

Why?

Where that guy is twirling around that gigantic knife

and Indy pulls out his gun and just shoots him.

I love that.

Martin, it's me. Are you here?

Okay, pal. We're going up.

Party's over.

Hi.

Hello.

It's not what it looks like.

It looks like you're having sex.

Well, there you go.

You're right. Here I go.

No, no, Jodi, wait. Wait, Jodi, wait.

It was just a big mistake.

No, I don't blame her one bit.

You ought to be ashamed of yourself.

Jodi! Jodi!

Look at this! You crazy grubs!

You smashed my tomatoes!

You're going to pay for every one of those tomatoes you hear.

Every one of them.

Oh, this is one of those days.

I'm going to call the cops!

Help!

Help! Help!

Please!

Please!

Think of your relationship as a tide.

It ebbs and flows, and sometimes while she's ebbing,

you may have to learn how to flow.

You're drunk, aren't you?

No, I am not drunk.

Look, I don't care if you are. I'm just saying.

Ashlyn, you seem to be in a good mood today.

Why don't you talk about those feelings?

Well, yesterday I took a long walk, had sex with Martin,

and met the girls for lunch at Phineak.

What's this made of, anyway?

I'm sorry. You... Took a long walk, had

sex with Martin, had lunch at Phineak.

You had sex with Martin?

Of course you did. Who hasn't?

I believe that's Crystal.

I'll kill him!

Ah, perhaps you want to explore those feelings.

Perhaps I do.

Wait a minute!

So, how is Phineak?

Where's Martin? I'm gonna fucking kill him!

He's not here, but when you find him, make it hurt.

So who are you?

I was his girlfriend, until I found him screwing some blonde.

Yeah? Well, that blonde was my girlfriend!

Oh, he's such a prick!

So is she.

You must be devastated.

I'm a wreck!

Me too. I feel used.

Betrayed.

Lied to.

You wanna get even?

Absolutely.

[music].

[music]

[music].

[screaming]

What the hell are you doing?

I'm gonna kill you, Tofa.

What are you talking about?

I'm gonna kill you!

You screwed my girlfriend.

Yeah, well, you screwed my girlfriend in my apartment.

Ex-girlfriend, you cheated on me.

Well, it looks like we're even now, doesn't it?

No, we're not. I... I didn't come.

You didn't?

You fucker!

You're your fucker!

You're such a fucker!

You're such a fucker!

You're such a fucker!

You're such a hasty fucker!

Be careful, Mecha!

The hell's going on here?

I didn't start it.

Now let's try it a bit, Tom. Let's behave like human beings.

Your boyfriend fucked my girlfriend!

He's lying.

He's so sick. You fucked her just to get revenge.

Well, that's why you fucked him! It's true!

It's true, I had nothing to do with it.

Oh, don't give me that shit! You hurt me, Martin.

Do you have any idea how I felt when I walked in on you?

I think I have a pretty good idea, yes.

Okay, Ashlyn, so now we're even.

We're not even. We were even after I fucked Martin. Now you're all one.

Martin?

I...

What is going on here?

Not now, Judith.

Don't you not now, Judith. Me. Did you have sex with this woman?

Fine mess you made of things, sister, but that's all I could expect from a

dizzy blonde.

Whatever happened to no one will ever know?

It slipped out.

Whatever happened to doctor-patient confidentiality?

It slipped out.

Look, I do not appreciate you sleeping with my patients.

She told me you said it was a good idea.

I never said that!

That's what I got from it.

See?

I don't know what she's talking about.

Of course you don't. You're stinking drunk.

I am not drunk.

This isn't my bra.

That's my bra.

And who are you?

She's the slut who screwed my boyfriend.

Hey, hey! Don't you call my girlfriend a slut?

I am not your girlfriend!

And I don't need you to defend me!

I am an independent woman of the 90s and you hurt my feelings!

No! No!

You know something?

Ow!

I'm not gonna kill you.

'Cause it's cruel to let you live.

I wanted Buddy Imager, your girlfriend, riding me like a 10-speed bike.

Heh.

Pleasant dreams, I guess.

Well, Martin, I hope you're happy.

What are you talking about?

None of this would have happened if you hadn't let me seduce you.

Let you? You threw yourself at me!

How dare you!

Stop looking at me like that and go home.

Well, you've been a tremendous help.

I was planning on using more traditional therapy techniques,

but it seems that there's no problem that can't be solved by Martin Tupper

and his magic penis.

Hey!

And thanks for coming.

[music]

It's a funny old world.

Man's lucky if he gets out of it alive.

Ta-da!

Morning, Toby.

Well, you like it? Tell the truth.

The truth?

I love it.

You look like a movie star.

It's absolutely beautiful.

It's a wig.

I was testing you.

You passed.

Now is that so tough?

Thank you.

Thank you.

Well, well, well.

Look who's here.

What's it gonna be this time, huh?

Who wants that piece of me?

Martin, calm down.

We just wanted to let you know that we put aside our differences and we can

work together again.

That's great.

Just not with you.

What are you talking about?

It'd be too awkward after everything that's happened.

We need to work in an atmosphere without conflict.

Like Random House.

I hate you!

Well, that's just fucking perfect.

It's been terrific working with you, Martin.

Much continued success.

(Laughing)

I'm wanting about that thing I said about

your girlfriend and the 10-speed bike.

Forget about it.

Thanks.

It was more like a Harley.

Ham. Ham.

When a man learns to subdue anger, he

finds it easier to conquer all other foes.

(Loud crash)

There, that's better.

Hey, Martin. Is this yours?

I know Martin cheated on me, but I cheated on him too.

And I still have all these feelings for him.

I want to give him another chance.

What do you think?

I think that would be a very self-destructive move at this point.

Well, okay.

Long live Rock and Roll.

You guys are an unsigned band and you broke into the radio station to get

your demo played on the air?

Long hair and tight pants. Airheads. Satellite 10. ITV4.