Original subtitles

>> So what do you think?

How we doing on time?

>> About 15 minutes till the game starts.

So you think the Mets are gonna choke this year?

I don't know.

>> Jeepers, these towels are soft and fluffy.

You can say that again.

Jeepers, these towels are soft and fluffy.

>> What was the question?

[KNOCKING]

I'll get it.

No, no, no, no, don't get up.

Please don't disturb yourselves.

[MUSIC]

>> Hey, birthday girl.

T minus five days and counting.

Wow, it's that time again, huh?

Boy, they just keep coming, don't they?

Oh yeah.

>> Well, I came for my son in my cappuccino maker.

The baby prefers his milk steamed, his rhymesome of Paris.

>> No problem.

So where's your Walker, grandma?

[LAUGH]

[MUSIC]

>> Isn't he funny, Joe?

>> Yeah, he's a riot.

[LAUGH]

>> Jude.

>> I'm fine, I'm fine.

>> Come on, come on, birthdays are fun.

Presents and cake, and I'm sure Richard

has something spectacular planned, right?

What's gonna be this year, huh?

Burgers at the Taj Mahal, maybe square dancing with the Kennedys?

>> He hasn't planned anything.

>> Nice going, Dad.

>> Why not?

Where is he?

>> Some Canadian snow geese, straight off their migratory route and

the Audubon Society asked him to reunite the flock.

[LAUGH]

[SOUND]

>> That's too bad.

>> I'll tell you what, I'll take you out.

>> Yeah, yeah, we'll go to the movies or I'll take you to dinner.

>> We figured you spoiled our surprise party.

>> Damn, damn, I just remembered I have this.

>> I'll think of something.

>> The big book convention and->> The big week on terror.

>> Connecticut, the Connecticut Book Convention.

>> What are you talking about?

I thought we were supposed to get together.

>> No, no, no.

That was before I remembered the book convention.

>> Okay, we can reschedule.

>> Hey, don't worry about me.

Turning 39 is no big deal.

>> Unless you live in Latvia.

Life expectancy's 40.

They burn a lot of coal.

>> If I could just have my cap, would you know a maker now?

Actually, could I borrow it for->> Party.

>> The weekend?

I promise to give you, I'd bring it to the big book convention.

It's our year to make cappuccino.

>> Well, all right, but I want it back Monday.

>> Have a nice weekend.

>> Jeremy. >> Take it easy.

Bye-bye now.

Watch that.

[LAUGH]

See ya.

Big surprise party Friday night.

>> Don't worry, Dad, like I thought you

were gonna take the cappuccino maker to

Connecticut.

>> Remember, mom's the word, okay?

>> Just keep it under your hand.

>> This is gonna be fantastic.

I can't believe I thought of this.

I'm a genius.

>> Will you relax?

It's just a surprise party.

>> No, no, no, no, it's not.

You know why?

Because at the end of the night, there's gonna be a phone call.

And it's not gonna be Judith calling me

about some amazing thing Richard did .

She's gonna be calling him up in the Yukon someplace,

telling him about the amazing thing that I did.

>> You see?

Always thinking.

>> Sounds great.

>> [LAUGH]

>> But what are you gonna do about the book convention?

[MUSIC]

>> What are you doing?

>> Nothing.

>> Look, I need these notes typed up ASAP.

>> We have to settle for an ASAI, GBFL.

>> What?

>> As soon as I get back from lunch.

WS with Sherman.

>> Who's Sherman?

That would be me.

>> Sherman.

>> Hello, Toby Marie.

>> Martin, I wanna present Sherman McGigney, the love of my life.

Sherman, this is Martin Tuppa, the boss of my life.

>> Nice to meet you.

>> You know, anthropologists believe

the handshake started as a way to show you

were unarmed.

I like to think it grows out of our need for human contact.

>> [LAUGH]

He does magic tricks as well.

>> That's terrific.

Hey, did you do birthday parties?

>> Actually, you've just seen half my act.

>> [LAUGH]

>> I'm gonna go freshen up.

Try not to say anything stupid.

>> She's really something.

>> It's like they took the whole sun

and wrapped it up in a beautiful blue- eyed

package.

You're a lucky man to be around so much sunshine all day long.

>> [SOUND]

>> I'm very fortunate.

>> [SOUND]

>> Is there a phone I can use somewhere private?

>> Use my office.

>> You're a good man, Charlie Brown.

>> [LAUGH]

>> It's the take of time.

>> [SOUND]

>> Hi, it's me, sweetheart, don't cry.

Look, lots of people have marital problems, but we'll work it out.

It's going to be okay.

We'll talk about it as soon as I get there.

>> Take him and hang him to a tree.

And then sow the dead body in the skin of a pig.

>> Where's my love monster?

>> Your love monster is->> Toby, I'm sorry,

but I'm going to have to cancel lunch.

There's an emergency at the office.

>> You dirty liar.

>> Okay, maybe tomorrow?

>> I'll call you.

Nice to meet you, Martin.

Bye, Toby.

>> Isn't he dreamy?

>> Well, he does seem very- >> Mary, Mary.

>> Nice.

Toby, how well do you actually know this guy?

>> Well, not in the biblical sense, if that's what you're getting at.

But I want to tell you, when I'm around

him, I feel like a baby on a roller coaster.

My heart goes, here feel it.

>> That's okay, it's okay, I believe you.

It's just, I think he's->> Funny, charming, sexy.

>> Married.

>> Married, I think he's married, Toby.

>> My God, you're jealous.

>> Excuse me.

>> You can't stand the thought of me being with another man.

You know, ever since your wife dumped you, you want me all to yourself.

Well, I'm sorry, Martin.

>> Toby, I just heard him talking to his wife on the phone.

He's on his way to meet her.

I'm sorry, but I just thought you should know.

Where are you going?

Toby, where are you going?

>> I'm going to find out for myself.

>> This, your immediate mission, is one upon which the very existence of our

nation may depend.

>> Toby, Toby!

>> Toby, I really don't think we should be doing this.

You know what?

Why don't we just go back and get those notes typed up, okay?

>> This is true.

I'm going to kill myself.

I'm going to put a bullet to my head.

I'm going to drink poison and throw myself off a bridge.

>> I tell you, there are certain necessary lies.

>> I was probably wrong, Rammy.

You know me.

Gav, gav, gav, gav.

After time, I don't even know what I'm saying.

Oh!

Sss!

He's over here.

See?

Did you see that?

One apple.

Just one.

If he were married, he'd finally... Two.

Wait.

Who are those folks?

Toby?

Where is he?

I don't know.

Come on, Toby.

Let's go back to the office.

Wait, wait, wait.

I'm trying to prove a point here.

Now, why would a man come to a church in the middle of the afternoon if he

wasn't a perfectly good Catholic man?

You're right.

I'm sure he's a Saint.

A single Saint.

Exactly.

That'll teach you to spread rumors about a perfectly innocent priest.

>> Hello, Margaret.

I got here as soon as I could.

Let's go to my office and talk about what's going on with you and Frank.

I told you he wasn't married.

Toby, I'm sorry.

You should be.

I was going to have a nice lunch with my boyfriend.

Now, thanks to you, I'm dating a priest!

Maybe.

Hey, if you're going to blame somebody, blame the Pawdering.

Don't I blame on a man of the cloth?

Even if he is a two-faced apple buying no good grief!

Are you going to break up with him?

You betcha.

Nobody lies to a petal bee.

No!

No!

No!

I'll meet you back at the office.

Just take the rest of the day off.

Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.

Toby.

Sorry to bother you at work, Father.

Love, monster.

I'm so sorry.

I really was going to tell you.

When? When they made you poop?

How could you do this to me?

I had dreams of us growing all together.

I thought we could drive cross-country in a

winterbaker, see that donut outside Butte.

I never meant for it to get this far.

Well, it did.

You kissed me.

You're a priest and you kissed me!

And I kissed you back.

How many Hail Mary should I say for that?

Infinity!

Toby, please.

I don't want to hear it.

You make me sin.

I can't believe I used to picture you.

Without your underwear.

Without my underwear?

Four times!

And now, thanks to you, I'm going to be

flipping burgers with the Prince of Darkness!

I have to confess, I had impure thoughts of you as well.

Don't tell me!

I don't want to know.

How impure?

God forgive me, but we were alone in a moonlit Meadow, as naked as Adam Eve.

Are there snakes?

Because I-I-I-I am not crazy about the snakes.

Ah, no snakes.

It's just you and me.

And we lie back in the cool grass and look

up to Heavens and slowly, so slowly, I...

Shamb, hurry up. I'm lying naked in a Meadow here.

I sweep you into my arms.

Your pecs are so ripply.

Our bodies entwine like the grapevine of the mighty oak.

Oh, boy.

I can feel your heart beating.

My head is going to explode.

This is wrong.

I don't.

You're in the church.

No, a Meadow.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Okay.

So, you're taking your mother to dinner, right?

But you have to stop at Dad's because?

Because I need my suit.

Because?

Because I spilled mustard on the other one.

Right.

Then you'll buzz to let me know when you're here.

Now, buzzing is key, and if she asks you why you're buzzing, you'll say...

Oh, no. I forgot.

Dad's at the Connecticut Book Convention.

Perfect. Okay. One more time.

No, that's it.

Get out of here.

Remember, now, buzzing is key.

Buzzing.

Hi, Toby.

Are you okay?

Never better.

I did the right thing, and I feel terrific.

You know, priests are a lot easier to get over than normal people.

Really?

Well, good. Good. I'm going for you.

Are you up to taking a few notes?

I got a million things to do for Judah's party.

It would be my great pleasure to help you in any way I can.

A doll. A living doll.

I need 40 paper hats.

Teenage of pirates, pilgrims, leprechauns, and fire chiefs.

Nice!

I need streamers, balloons, a cake in the shape of a brain.

She's a psychologist.

You know... Would you stop? Would you just stop?

I can't take it anymore.

Uh, Toby.

God's punishing me. I feel so guilty.

12 years of Catholic school.

I should have known better.

What are you talking about?

I lied, okay?

I didn't break it off with Sherman.

And now God's showing me who's boss.

Twice! I slammed my finger in the drawer.

My side hurts. I don't know why.

The photocopier just ran out of tuna.

I just refilled it eight months ago.

And now this!

Toby. Toby.

Take a deep breath, will you?

I really don't think God's punishing you.

What was I thinking?

He sees me when I'm sleeping.

He knows when I'm awake.

He knows when I've been bad or good.

Toby. Toby.

Aren't you thinking of Santa Claus?

Whoever.

Martin, you gotta help me.

I wanna break it off with Sherman, but I can't.

I love him too much.

He asked me to meet him at a hotel.

God forbid.

I said yes.

Pray with me, Martin! Pray with me!

Pray with me, Martin!

(screams)

Ow!

(gasps)

I'm going to take up a collection to fight the devil.

And I want you all to show me how much you hate him.

(screams)

(dramatic music)

(laughs)

I thought you boys would practice and, uh... Martin.

Father.

Why don't you boys go light some candles?

From the tone of your voice, I'm guessing you're not here for communion.

Oh, no. I just had a little question to ask you.

As a matter of curiosity, what made you become a priest?

Are you out of your mind?

I must be.

I'm not even sure what I'm doing anymore.

I wake up, I look in the mirror, and all I see are the hollow eyes.

The lost soul.

Oh, really? Let me tell you something.

If you look a little lower, you might notice a collar with a white thing in

the middle of it.

And where I come from, that means "prest."

You're absolutely right, and I'm not proud.

Good, good. Okay, lesson number two.

Priests do not date.

I've seen about a thousand episodes of the dating game, and not one

contestant was a priest.

Believe me, I know what I'm doing is wrong.

Every day I pray to God for guidance, but nothing.

He's abandoned me.

Of course he's abandoned you. You're being a dick.

Morning, sister.

Now, look, Toby is in love with you, and she deserves better than this.

So if you really care about her, you'll break it off.

And if you don't, I'll... I command you in the name of God!

I'll tell the Pope on you, and don't you think I can't.

My ex-wife's husband is his bridge partner.

[screaming].

[door opens].

[footsteps]

[music]

[music]

[music].

[music]

[music]

Toby.

Yes?

Yes, me.

Sherman.

You look nice.

We match.

We, uh... we need to talk.

Talk? Then why'd you tell me to get a hotel room if we wanted to talk?

We could have gone to the movies.

No, I mean... we can't do this.

We can't... see each other anymore.

You're right. You're right.

Pardon me, was hoping that you would say that.

But not all of me.

I'm sorry, Toby.

Me too.

No, I can't share you with him.

Don't say that.

When you leave me, you go back to him, to his house, and all his children.

You spend your holidays with him.

I can't go on like this, Sherman. You gotta choose.

It's either me or him. Him or me.

I know. I know.

[music]

It's you.

Okay.

Joanne, get away from the window. Get away. I don't want Jews to see you.

Get... Eddie, stop crowding the cake, will you?

Shit!

He didn't buzz. Ten times I told him to buzz.

Hats! Hats! Hats! Hats! Hats! Hats! Hats! Come on. Come on, everybody. Come

on. Come on. Come on. Come on.

Dad, let me in!

What the hell is he doing? I'm supposed to be in Connecticut.

I hate this damn hat.

Shh!

Surprise!

Thank you. Dad, can I talk with you for a minute?

Okay, everybody. Stay where you are. And keep those hats on.

Where's your mother?

She's downstairs in the limo. We're on our way to the airport.

The airport? That's not part of the plan.

Bad news. Richard solved the geese thing,

so he's flying us up to the Arctic Circle.

He said something about a houseboat in Northern Lights.

[thunder]

But tonight? I mean, why does it have to be tonight?

Because it's her birthday.

Well, can't we just bring her up for a

minute, you know, so she can see my hat?

Her friends? And I got a guy coming to draw caricatures.

You know, Mom, if she comes up here and she's had much trouble you run

through, she'll just wind up feeling guilty.

Now, you don't want her feeling guilty on her birthday, do you?

And what about me? What about the way I feel?

I guess not.

Look, if it makes you feel any better, she never suspected a thing.

Bye, Dad.

Bye.

Surprise!

[thunder]

Toby.

The most miraculous thing just happened.

Something I've only heard about.

Never experienced until now.

You're telling me.

If loving you is wrong, I don't want to be right.

I had an epiphany.

I think I had three of them.

I saw God.

Well, I wouldn't go that far.

No.

I saw God.

He was here.

God was here? In the room? With us?

In a sense.

He's calling me.

Well, don't answer. He'll go away.

I thought we had a deal. You picked me.

I can't, Toby.

I've given twenty-five years of my life to him.

And as tempting as this is, I can't just walk away.

This isn't fair. He has so much already.

I mean, he has the ocean and the skies.

I know that land.

Why does he have to have you two?

Toby, I know this is hard for you.

But in a way, you've been part of a small miracle.

You brought me closer to God.

I'll never forget you, Toby.

You know, I suppose I should be flattered.

But instead, I just want to smack you.

[music]

Don't worry, Toby. There'll be lots of other... guys.

I don't get it.

You finally meet a person who makes everything seem right.

And then some supreme being comes along and takes that person away from you.

Believe me. I know exactly how you feel.

Well, as Sister Mary Herman used to say, "The good Lord giveth, and the good

Lord taketh away."

Amen to that.

Religion doesn't have to be this.

Taking all the fun out of everything can be bright.

Bring you closer to happiness.

So nobody touched the brain cake, huh?

Any time you take religion for a joke, the laugh is on you.