Original subtitles

Well, let's start with the dessert.

Coming, Pamela.

Thank you so much for doing this.

Okay, let's see.

Divers, bottle, pacifier.

What am I forgetting?

Jude, why are you here?

I forgot to call you.

God, I'm sorry.

But now that we're here, would you take care of the baby for me?

I've got a seminar.

It'll take a half hour, two hours tops.

Look, Pamela's gonna be here any minute, you know?

Oh my God.

I smell a poo poo.

Come on, sweetie.

I need some air.

Jude.

Whoo, it's a big one too.

Oh.

Dinner's gonna be served here very shortly.

Martin, I am going out of my fucking mind.

In between scheduling my Patience and scheduling my breast feeding

and my seminars and then the baby's ceramics class,

I feel like I'm totally neglecting Jeremy.

Could you get me those baby wipes, please?

Must be tough being a single parent.

All right, just don't push me, Martin.

Richard is a wonderful father.

But right now I think that getting those astronauts down safely

is just a little more important.

Why don't you just go get some help or something?

I've tried.

I mean, I've interviewed hundreds of nannies,

but I still haven't found one I like.

Come on, Jude.

It's not like picking a pope.

Just hire one.

In fact, now would be a very good time.

Sorry I'm late.

Right on time.

Oh, baby again.

Hi, Pamela.

Hi, Jude.

What a big boy.

You know, I've read so much about you, I feel like I know you.

Yes.

Hey, it still works.

I used to do that on my little brother.

Yeah, well, anyway, Judith and the golden

child were just leaving, so... Bye-bye now.

All right, all right.

Neat old Uncle Martin won't let you stay here.

Then I guess you're just going to have to come with Mommy,

and we'll teach the nice people about

violence and the schizophrenic personality.

Okay, have fun. Bye-bye now.

It's always nice seeing a baby in you.

You take care, okay?

All right, all right. Bye-bye, bye-bye.

He is the cutest thing I've ever seen.

No, no, no, no.

You are.

Did I say that?

You certainly did.

I have dinner in the oven.

Oh, really?

Oh, God, Martin.

Yes! Yes!

No!

Yes!

That was much better than dinner.

It would have been.

Martin, I don't know how to tell you

this, but I, uh... You mean you didn't...

Oh, no. No, I did.

I definitely did.

Well, then what's wrong?

Well, they're not going to be doing my play.

They said it's too much like South Pacific,

which is odd considering it's not a musical and it takes place in Wisconsin.

I'm sorry.

I know it meant a lot to you.

Yeah, well, among other things, it meant being able to pay my rent.

Now I'm going to have to move in with my sister in Utica.

It's about a half hour west of Albany.

Might as well be Switzerland.

I mean, when am I ever going to see you?

Oh, Utica's not that far.

I mean, look at a map. It's like... like an inch.

I don't know.

I know, people, Tex. I got connections.

(laughs)

Forget it.

Why?

(squeaks)

Why forget it?

Well, for one thing, she's a writer, not a nanny.

What, does she need a master's degree in nannyhood?

She practically raised her two brothers

and you saw how great she was with Little Richard.

But you gotta just keep it down. I'm trying to concentrate.

Martin, I really appreciate the thought,

but I really don't think I need a nanny at all.

What are you talking about?

I mean, come on, yesterday you were... No, no, no!

A little on edge.

My shoes hurt and I was a little cranky.

(laughs)

Jeremy, sweetheart, would you mind?

I might as well.

You just made me fall into the pit of darkness.

(baby crying)

Jeremy.

I'm just trying to do what's best for... Me, me, me!

You and the baby.

Thank you.

But everything is under control.

You see, Jeremy's helping out and really, I am gonna be just fine.

Ow!

Don't bite your little crib.

So when can I meet with her?

(phone rings)

(phone rings)

(phone rings)

Pay attention.

You know, I'm only doing this because Mom made me.

Mm-hmm.

Now, you see this key?

This is the most important key on the computer.

Now, let's say you weren't just some

idiot trainee and you actually had a job.

All right, I'm with you.

Okay, now say your boss comes charging

out of his office 'cause... 'Cause why?

'Cause he's got something for you to do right away.

Press this key.

Super Stockboy is immediately replaced by something that looks like work.

Hi, Toby.

Is Martin here?

In there.

Yeah.

Office manners.

Excellent.

Hey, how'd it go?

Eleven diaper changes, five bottles, and seven little outfits,

and I had to read to him constantly.

Come on, that sounds like fun, right?

You're Dr. Seuss, Winnie the Pooh?

Actually, he prefers 19th century British literature.

A-R-A-T. Brat.

Well, I have just the thing to cheer you up.

I got tickets to the Hungarian circus.

You know, the one with the two clowns who tie themselves into a bow.

Oh, that's so sweet, but I have to work on my play tonight.

I'm sorry.

Well, that's okay.

We'll do something tomorrow night.

I promise.

Are there elephants?

Ow!

Ow!

What?

At the circus.

Because if there are elephants, we'll take the tickets.

He's so amazing.

He was pointing at the clock for the longest time, and finally, I realized,

it's daylight savings time, so I set it ahead an hour,

and he just laughed and laughed.

What's the big deal?

I mean, everybody knows it's daylight savings.

So, what do you want to do tonight?

You want to go to a movie, or just hang out or what?

Well, I was wondering if we could stay here.

See, I really want to finish this mobile I'm making for him.

See?

His favorite Dickens characters.

Humbug, I tell you. Humbug.

Terrific. Terrific. That sounds like fun.

Who's a good boy?

Who's a good boy?

Who's a good boy?

You're so sweet.

You're so sweet.

And the dog goes... You're so sweet.

And the dog goes... You're so silly.

Shh. You're gonna wake him.

Sorry.

Hi, how was your day?

Wonderful.

For the first time in months, I got to do errands.

I went to the library.

What was that?

Nothing. Nothing. I had just a little cabbage for lunch.

And best of all, Jeremy and I got to spend some quality time together.

I picked him up from school.

And nothing impresses teenage girls more than that.

We went to the bank.

She got me a lollipop.

Oh, and Jeremy, show him the boxer shorts I bought you.

Mom, they are so cute.

They've got these little piggies on them.

Oh, go on, show him.

I'm just gonna go in and look in on my other baby boy.

Dad, you gotta help me. She's out of control.

I know. She's treating you like a child.

How's my sweet prince?

Oh, no, his eyes are open. Hello.

Come on, Mommy's here.

It's okay. It's okay. He has no answers.

Come on, Dad.

He really prefers to be home like this.

Oh, okay.

Here we go, you like a job?

Honey, I'm sure it's not you.

He's just a little cranky.

I just finished reading him Bleak House and he didn't like the ending.

Why don't I just put him back down?

Sweet boy.

Sweet boy.

Sweet boy.

Well, he really seems to like you.

You're so silly. You are.

Yes.

Okay, here we go.

Crispy, tangy, hot and spicy sweet and sour noodles is my own secret recipe.

Of course, I could give it to you, but then I'd have to kill you.

Mmm, it's good.

But it tastes like a choy.

Well, prepare to die.

[chuckles]

As far as I'm concerned, this picture's over right now.

I should call.

Who?

Judith.

Little Richard seems so sad when I left him tonight.

I just want to make sure that he's okay.

He's with his mother. I'm sure he's just fine.

Really. Okay, now come on. Come on.

[chuckles]

[chuckles]

Mmm.

Mmm.

That's what I like.

I want two seconds.

You like children?

I do if they're properly cooked.

[mumbling]

Fuck!

[phone rings]

Sit in the little hand.

Hello?

Hello?

Oh, hi.

No, no, no, he's fine.

Mmm-hmm.

Oh, I guess the phone must have woken him up.

No, no, no, no, no.

[crying]

No, no, no, no. That really isn't necessary.

No.

Okay.

Okay.

Who's a good boy?

[gasps]

Who's a good boy?

Who's a good boy?

[chuckles]

Okay, lesson number eight, telephones and their function in the workplace.

Okay, now let's say the phone rings.

Like that? Like that?

You pick up the phone and you answer Martin Tuppers' office.

What if I'm working for somebody else?

You substitute someone else's name, like Larry Smith.

You say Larry Smith's office?

Is somebody going to get that?

You get it. You're his secretary.

You get it. You're the trainee.

Larry Smith's office.

No problem.

Wrong number.

The unholy two over there.

Give me that!

Hello.

Hi.

Oh.

Hi.

I know you're busy. I just wanted to tell you something.

Oh.

I'm desperate for you.

Really?

The baby did the cutest thing.

Uh-huh. Really?

How do you use this staple?

You know, but I-- He's talking to his girlfriend.

You should be listening. Pretend you're working.

Well, he's quite the little Rembrandt.

Oh.

Listen, I met with an author today.

His husband is the associate somethinger.

They're a circle in the square.

She's going to get them to read your play.

Thanks.

But, uh, I don't know.

Wait, wait, wait. What do you mean, "I don't know"?

What are you talking about?

Well, you know, if they did my play, that would mean rehearsals

and time away from the baby.

And what's the bad part?

Look, I'm not going to tell you what I'm talking about.

I'm not going to tell you what I'm talking about.

I'm not going to tell you what I'm talking about.

I'm not going to tell you what I'm talking about.

I'm not going to tell you what I'm talking about.

Look, I really appreciate your doing this.

But right now, I like being a nanny.

And, uh, I'm thinking of sticking with it.

What are you talking about?

I don't think they're doing too well.

That's good. That makes it interesting.

(baby crying)

Oh, listen, the baby's crying. I got to go.

I'm out of staples.

Well, then it's time for lunch.

(music)

(music)

(clears throat)

What are you doing?

Little Richard said his first word today, and I'm not sure what it means.

Oh, here it is. Insusience.

Inceptible.

Perfect.

Pamela, don't take this the wrong way.

Okay?

But, aren't you going a little nutso with this baby thing?

Wow. Maybe a little.

But you know how it is when you're changing careers?

It's exciting, and you get carried away.

But I have it all in perspective.

Come here.

She loves me.

Ow!

What? What? What did I do?

I don't know. They're a little sensitive.

I guess I'm having a sympathetic breastfeeding thing.

Well, that's fine.

I can see how that would be painful.

(music)

So it's really working out with Pamela.

Oh, yeah. Sure. She's great. She's so dedicated.

You know, it's all I can do just to get

her to go home at the end of the day .

And then sometimes she'll call two, three times a night just to see how the

baby's doing.

And Little Richard just loves her so much.

Maybe even more than he loves me.

And it's not fair. I'm his mommy. Me. Not her. Me.

This is your big opportunity.

Judith.

I think you've made up your mind.

I have?

You're gonna fire her.

I am?

What is it, Toby?

Toby? You were firing? A thing?

I don't know. I mean, how can I fire her? She's wonderful.

Well, there's such a thing as being too wonderful.

And that's not good for you or for the baby or... Me, me, me.

Or even for Pamela.

You're right. You're absolutely right. That's exactly what I should do.

What is it, Toby? Toby?

So could you tell her tonight?

What?

Well, I just thought it'd be better coming from you.

I mean, after all, she is your girlfriend.

So what? She's my girlfriend. She's your nanny.

Well, she wouldn't be my nanny if she weren't your girlfriend.

I mean, this is entirely your fault.

Bullshit. Bullshit. I am not going to do it.

Oh, yeah? Well, then neither am I.

Fine. Fine.

If you don't want to do it, if you're too weak... I am. I'm too weak.

American baseball, we call this a squeeze play.

Then I'll do it, okay? You happy now?

Damn it!

What the fuck is going on out here?

Martin, I'm training Gina on the intercom.

Well, stop it right now. Just stop it.

Okay.

Sorry.

Okay. Do it again.

Listen, Pamela. Well, uh... Judith and I...

well, actually, it was just Judith.

What's going on here?

Nothing. Nothing. Well, it's something, but really, it's nothing.

You're fired.

What? But why? What did I do?

I'm sorry. It isn't you. It's me.

It's her. You've been great. You know, she's a mess.

So what's the problem?

Well, uh... we're going to Europe.

On a boat.

A small boat. It's too small. For you.

Thanks. That certainly was quick thinking.

Yes, wasn't it?

You think that I'm too attached to the baby, don't you?

No, no. It's not that.

Well, actually, it is that. That's exactly what it is.

What? What about that Europe boat thing?

Pamela, I'm sorry. I really am.

As well you should be.

I see.

Well... I guess your mind's all made up.

Would it... Would it be all right if I just

went and said goodbye to little Richard?

Of course.

[sad music]

Shame on you. Shame on you. Shame on you.

I never did get to finish Nicholas Nickleby.

I'll always remember you.

Every time I read about you in the newspaper.

Or I see your face on a magazine cover.

I'm going to know. I was part of your life.

How could you do such a thing?

I know that this is hard for you.

It's hard for me too.

But... Your mommy knows what's right.

She loves you. Very, very much.

You have to remember.

Now she's your mommy.

And I... I was only your nanny.

Judy, you can't do this.

What are you talking about?

It's Castle Blanca in there.

Well, it was your idea.

Well, you should have stopped me. It was a stupid idea.

What I should have done is strangle you.

Hey, you should feel lucky to have someone who cares about your baby as much

as she does.

Yeah, well, just... I'll uh... I'll be going now.

Pamela, I've been... Pamela, I know this is a bad time for you.

But... I'm still dying to see that Hungarian circus.

Naughty boy.

Trying to deceive your nanny.

I'll call ya.

Pamela, wait. I want to talk to you.

No, really. That's not necessary.

No, wait. Just put your things down.

This is important.

I think that maybe I overreacted just a little bit.

You know, I was being emotional, not rational.

So what I'm trying to say is, if you're willing to try again, then so am I.

So, well, uh...

I think we can make this thing work, and I know it would make Little Richard

very happy.

Uh, thanks, but no thanks. I gotta go.

Pamela!

Well, thank you for your support.

At least you gave it a try.

Oh, my God.

What did you get out of your crib?

He's like a little Houdini.

He certainly made my girlfriend disappear.

Will you, will you, will you, will you take the little girlfriend away?

Count your blessings.

It's gonna be a long time before you have to deal with stuff like that.

Huh? You know what I mean?

What are you doing? Huh? What are you doing?

What are you doing?

Well, I guess those baby self-defense classes are really paying off.