Original subtitles

>> Fuck.

>> Hello.

>> Fuck hello to you too.

>> Susan?

>> Where are you?

>> I'm in Zagreb.

>> One of the finest cities in Florida.

>> Zagreb?

What are you doing in Zagreb?

>> Translating for Butchress-Butchress-Gali.

Listen, I'm coming in Thursday around five, so say Friday for me.

>> Great, great, great.

What's going on?

>> Nothing, just flying in, getting married, flying out.

>> Terrific, so we can- [SOUND]

>> What?

>> Can you believe it?

He's a Swiss paleontologist.

You'll have absolutely nothing in common.

>> Wow, congratulations.

Mom and dad must be going crazy.

>> Martin, I love mom and dad, but the farther they are from my wedding, the

happier I'll be.

Anyway, we're getting married at City Hall on Friday-

>> Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.

You're not inviting mom and dad to your wedding?

>> No, and you're not going to tell them either.

Now, we'd like you to be our wedding-

>> No, no, no, no, you have to invite them.

They're- [SOUND]

Your parents.

Come on, you have to.

>> I think you're confusing me with you.

I get to do whatever I want.

I went through therapy.

>> No, no, no, no, this is bullshit now,

just because- >> Oh, come on, Martin.

Just pretend I'm eloping and you're invited.

Look, they're calling my flight.

I love you.

Keep your mouth shut.

Bye.

>> No, no, no.

>> Okay, sister, have it your way.

[MUSIC]

>> No, no, no, no, no, dad, really.

You don't owe me anything.

>> Okay.

>> Really, lunch is on me.

>> You think I can't pay for my own goddamn corned beef?

>> No, I just thought it'd be nice, that's all.

>> Okay, thank you.

>> Drops 12 bucks for lunch and now he's Mr. Big Shot.

[MUSIC]

>> So, Friday's Roger's birthday.

You want to come over?

>> I'd love to, but I sort of have- [MUSIC]

>> Plans.

>> Plans, huh?

You think I'm some kind of a moron?

It's because of my lifestyle, isn't it?

>> That's crazy.

>> Crazy, nothing.

You're embarrassed because your father's gay.

>> Shh, shh, shh, don't be silly.

>> All right, then, what is it?

>> Well- >> Say no more.

>> Come on, dad, no, no, wait, don't do this.

>> Sister, I want you to know that I have not betrayed your confidence.

>> Goddamn it, Susan's getting married on Friday, all right?

>> Susan's getting married.

Nobody told me.

>> She wants to keep it small.

>> I'm her father for crying out loud.

>> Well, that's how small she's keeping it, dad.

You know, Susan, she has to do everything her way.

>> Don't blame her.

This is your fault.

You should have spoken up for me.

>> I tried.

>> Obviously, you didn't try hard enough.

My own daughter doesn't invite me to her wedding.

Some father I must have been.

>> Isn't there anything that you can do?

>> Dad, I'm sure she meant to invite you.

You know, it was probably just an oversight.

>> You expect me to believe that crack of shit?

>> Uh, yes.

>> All right, then I'm coming.

>> Give me my big mouth.

>> Oh.

>> This is one thing I'll have to handle for myself.

>> I can't stop now either if I want to.

>> Hi, this is Martin.

My hands are full at the moment, but your

call is important to me, so leave a message.

>> Hello, sweetheart.

It's your mother.

Sweetheart, pick up.

It's me.

Pick up, sweetheart.

>> Hi, Mom.

Hi.

I'm here.

>> Oh, I thought you were out.

What are you doing?

Sounds like you're out of breath.

>> Well, I was just -- >> Beating, beating, beating, beating.

>> Riding the stationary bike.

>> You know what I mean.

>> I want your car.

I want it all.

>> Is someone there with you?

Who's there?

>> No one.

No one.

I was just watching TV.

>> What are you watching?

>> Hammer me, hammer me off.

>> This old house.

>> Oh.

>> Let's go.

>> Tell me what's new.

Have you heard anything from your sister lately?

>> You're going to keep your mouth shut, understand?

>> Why do you ask?

>> Oh, no reason.

I just worry about her traveling alone, God knows where, unmarried.

>> Okay.

Who told you?

>> Obviously not you.

I had to hear about my own daughter's

wedding from Sadie Liftaker at the club.

>> Sadie Liftaker?

How did she find -- >> How?

She heard it from Esther Kravitz, whose daughter Andrea is the receptionist

at Dr. Zodikoff.

Who did your Aunt Lily's face?

Who heard it from that horse's ass, your father?

Who apparently heard it from you?

>> Aunt Lily had a facelift?

>> She looks like a football.

She can't even blink.

How could you do that to me?

>> Me?

What about Susan?

>> I know what you're doing.

You're punishing me for leaving your father.

God forbid.

I should even have one ounce of happiness.

>> Oh, Mom.

I'm happy you're happy.

You know what?

I mean, I'm happier with Harry.

>> Listen, sweetheart.

I have no time to chat.

We're catching a plane.

>> Oh, great.

Great.

Where are you going?

>> I am going to your sister's wedding, whether you like it or not.

>> Go on.

Get into your clothes before your sister

finds out you double-crossed her, too.

[ Music ]

>> Oh, there.

Hey, hey.

I got your eyes.

How's it going?

>> Great.

It's great.

My parents are coming over to talk about

a wedding my sister doesn't even want.

I wonder how she'll kill me.

>> Oh, I'm sure she'll find a way.

>> What?

>> Nothing, really.

It's nothing.

It's just that I was Susan's sister-in-law for 12 years, and she is Jeremy's

godmother, and I just assumed, obviously wrongly, that you would invite me.

>> Jude, don't.

Don't, please.

Don't do this to me.

>> Okay.

Forget it.

>> I know exactly how you feel.

>> You?

I don't think having slept with a bride

generally entitles one to an invitation.

>> You slept with Aunt Susan?

>> Knapped.

They just napped.

>> Yeah.

>> She dumped me.

She told me she didn't want a commitment.

Now, when I tell a woman that, I mean it.

>> Well, don't worry, Aunt Coleti.

She won't be married forever.

>> Jeremy, that's a terrible thing to say.

>> Why?

Everybody gets divorced.

You and Mom, Grandma and Grandpa, Aunt Coleti and Jeanette.

Nothing lasts.

Love sucks.

>> Karen broke up with him.

>> Ouch.

I know that feeling.

>> Hey, I'm okay.

I'm okay.

I guess I'm just hurt.

That's all.

>> Fine.

Fine.

If you absolutely have to come, then come.

>> Mom.

>> Jeremy!

Your father didn't tell me how much you have grown.

Another secret.

So, how is my favorite grandson?

>> Life bites.

>> That's nice.

>> Judith!

Doris.

>> Aww, look at the baby!

>> I just put him to sleep.

Why couldn't you be Martins?

Why?

>> To your mother.

To mother.

>> How was your flight, Harry?

>> Oh, was it smooth?

And all those magazines.

It was like the Library of Congress.

>> I'm glad to ask that question.

>> Doris, you look great.

>> Eddie, I'm so sorry about your show.

>> No, that's okay.

I got a new one.

>> That's the one I meant.

>> Doris.

>> That's dad.

>> I'll start with myself.

>> You know, Mom, please, please, behave yourself.

>> Don't you yell at me.

>> Dad.

>> Roger.

There you go, Coach.

>> Jeez, you're, uh... >> You're both here.

>> Why not?

She brought him, didn't she?

>> Yeah, I can't, but she doesn't know that you're... >> What?

You didn't tell her?

I knew you were ashamed of me.

You told me not to.

[ Sighs ]

Everybody?

This is my lover, Roger.

>> Hello, Roger.

What did he bring his lawyer for?

>> Lover.

I said this is my lover.

>> Your mother sure is gonna be mad.

>> Mom.

Have you lost weight?

>> Oh, this is a joke, right?

This is a joke.

>> No, Joe.

I love this man.

I've never been happier in my entire life.

>> It'll never last.

You!

You knew about this?

>> Well, sort of.

>> You want some Google?

>> Google.

My favorite.

>> I will never forgive you.

>> Mom.

Mom, please.

>> Coffee, anyone?

[ Music ]

>> Mom.

Darla's sweetheart, please come out and eat.

This salmon is so fresh, I feel like I'm on a fishing boat.

Come on, Mom, please.

Don't do this.

>> Oh, what should I do?

Pretend to be happy?

Maybe dance a little jig?

Your piza hex is expired.

I'm throwing it out.

>> Martin, she's obviously experiencing some anger.

She feels isolated, powerless.

Just try to be sensitive to her needs.

>> Thank you, Judith.

Mom, get the hell out of there!

[ Whimpering ]

Nice going, Julia.

[ Grunting ]

>> Mom, we're going to start talking about the wedding plans now.

>> Fine, go ahead.

I could care less.

What kind of plans?

>> Well, first we're all going down to City Hall for the ceremony.

>> City Hall?

City Hall?

People go to City Hall for parking tickets not to get married?

>> Mom, that's what Susan wants.

>> What about what I want?

I waited my whole life to see my daughter married at the Plaza.

>> Nora, she wants City Hall.

Let her have City Hall.

>> Oh, you don't want the Plaza because

you don't want to have to pay for it .

Well, fine.

How are you going to pay for it?

>> Oh, absolutely.

I haven't met Susan, but already she's like a daughter to me.

>> Forget it.

She's my daughter.

I'll pay for the goddamn Plaza.

>> This is nuts.

What are we talking about the Plaza for?

>> I am not going to invite the dermers to City Hall.

I'll never hear the end of it.

>> The dermers?

[ Music ]

>> You can't not invite the dermers.

If you invite the Flines and the Lebins, you have to invite the dermers.

>> All right, take that, you bastard!

>> Lambier fouled out.

Forget about Lambier.

Forget about the dermers and forget about the Plaza.

I mean, people booked the Plaza years in advance.

You know, it's not going to happen.

It's impossible.

>> Actually, if you want the Plaza, Richard can talk to Donald Trump.

They're in the same bowling league.

>> Thank you, Judith.

>> Why, my son let you go.

I will never understand.

>> The Plaza, it is.

But I'm still going to pay.

>> Fine.

>> Listen, I have to ask you a small favor.

I'm a little low on cash right now.

Can you help me out with this wedding thing?

>> Sure.

>> Sure, Dad.

How much do you need?

>> I don't know.

Whatever it costs.

[ Music ]

>> Warning.

Do not look directly into the ring without protective eyewear.

>> Oh, my God.

[ Laughter ]

>> Look at you.

You look great.

Wow.

What a rock.

>> I'm so pathetic with this thing.

I keep rubbing my nose like this.

I keep waving like this.

>> Sure.

You're upright.

You want people to see you.

>> That reminds me.

>> Just like tomorrow.

Your big day, right?

I mean, people should see you.

Lots of people.

>> I'm going to fucking kill you.

[ Music ]

>> What was I supposed to tell them?

>> How about nothing?

Oh, I forgot.

You always have to be the good one.

>> Hey, it's easy for you.

You don't have to deal with Mom and Dad.

You're always off in Zurich or Zimbabwe or something.

>> I wanted one day that was just mine.

One day where they couldn't hassle me about my clothes or my hair

or that I'm marrying a guy who's 53 years old.

>> He's 53?

>> Fuck you.

>> Susan.

Oh, come on.

You're their only daughter and you know they love you.

In their own sick, twisted way.

>> I don't want to hear it.

>> Can't you give them this one moment of happiness before they... [ Music ]

Die?

>> Oh, no.

Not the death thing.

>> Mom smokes and Dad eats bacon.

>> You little shit.

>> Thank you.

Thank you.

>> Just one more thing before I forget.

I think your wedding is at the Plaza.

>> You think?

>> Well, it is.

It's definitely at the Plaza.

>> The Plaza?

The Plaza?

Who's coming to this thing?

>> Just the family.

And some friends.

And Johnny Glebo.

And his swing time orchestra.

I am going to kill you.

[ Music ].