Original subtitles

- Last time on Dream On.

♪ Silent night ♪.

- Please come to Pennsylvania with me.

- I don't know, I have a date tonight.

- Some Amish village is supposed to present Richard

with this giant quilt they made for the baby.

- It's Mary.

- Mary who?

- The Virgin Mary.

- The cracks.

- It's Adele Mad.

- We don't have to if you don't want to.

- No, I do.

I really do.

- Looks like we're going to have a white Christmas after all.

- Are you actually blaming an unborn child because you couldn't read a map?

- No, no, no, no.

I'm blaming him because we're stuck

in this Pennsylvania Dutch nightmare in the first place.

- Dan, hey, where are you?

- Uh-huh.

Oh, no, no, no, I understand.

- I turned and I looked and there she was.

- The posted thingies are five bucks.

- I can see.

- Your mother and I are stuck in Pennsylvania, okay?

All the highways are closing.

We're gonna have to spend the night.

- Mm-hmm.

- I'm expecting a friend of mine around eight o'clock now.

Her name is Mary Beth and I have a pregnant woman here.

- There's nothing I can do.

There's just no room at the end.

- This isn't Beth Lamb.

- Oh, God.

- Okay, here we go.

- I think I already went.

- He's calling me back to the flock.

I know now what I must do.

- Martin.

- What?

- I think my water just broke.

(thunder rumbling)

- She's gonna have a baby.

♪ Sleep in heavenly peace ♪

- Why?

Why do we have to get out of the car?

I like it here.

It's warm and there's maps.

- Judith.

Jude.

I'm sorry, but you cannot have the baby in the car.

(groaning)

It's okay, I'm fine.

- Okay, okay, that doesn't, you see that light?

See there, way off there.

Now we're gonna go get help while you can still walk.

- No, but maybe they're mean farm people who don't like strangers.

(dramatic music)

- That's crazy.

I'm sure they're very nice farm people.

I'm sure there's a very nice farmer and his very nice wife.

And while we wait for the ambulance, you

can sit in a chair by the fire, you know,

and she'll hold your hand and give you herb tea.

So we won't have to have the baby in this fucking car.

- You wash his mouth out with soap?

(upbeat music)

♪ You'll be UN-subtletive ♪

(knocking)

♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey ♪

♪ You should've dropped some rats ♪

♪ Now you're talking sorry ♪

(knocking)

- Martin?

- No, I'm Jeremy.

- I mean, he sounded young on the phone, but not that young.

I'm her bath, who are you?

- I'm his son.

- Oh my God, he must be old.

- Yeah, yeah, it really is.

Look, he said to tell you he's sorry,

but he won't be able to see you tonight.

He's stuck somewhere in Pennsylvania.

- Well, shit.

Shitty shit shit.

What's he doing in Pennsylvania?

Get out of the car!

Get out, get out of the car, get out of it!

- I don't know, sightseeing or something?

- Well, this is just tremendous.

My very first night in New York City

and I don't know what the hell I'm gonna do with myself.

You got a paper?

- I guess so.

- So, Jeremy, what's a good looking kid like yourself

doing home on Christmas Eve, waiting for Santa?

- Yeah, yeah, that's it.

- Everything catch?

- Yeah, kinda sucked, a lot.

- Well, already I can tell, you're just a wellspring of enthusiasm.

You got anything to drink?

- My dad's got some scotch or something.

- You got any Yoo-hoo?

(upbeat music)

- Okay, Martin.

Where's the nice farmer?

Where is the nice farmer's wife?

(car horn honking)

Where is my herbal tea?

- I'm sorry, I thought it was a house.

- And yet, I see sheep.

It didn't-- (cow mooing)

- Dude, dude!

- I am not having my baby here, I'm not.

No, no, no, no, not with that cow staring at me.

- Okay, okay, fine, let's go.

- Go, you crazy, go there!

- What, you wanna stay here?

- Hello, I believe we have already discussed that opportunity.

- All right, okay.

Look, you stay here and I'll go for help, okay?

- Don't leave me!

Please, please, don't leave me.

- Stop it!

- I don't wanna have my baby in a fire.

(crying)

- Another scotch?

I'm gonna make this one a double.

Save you the trip later.

- You sure you wouldn't like some dinner, Mr. Charles?

- All right, all right.

Bring me that bowl of maraschino cherries.

- Bon appetit.

- Hey.

Cheer up.

'Tis the season to be jolly.

- Oh man, just leave me alone.

- Come on, come on, where's the mirth?

Just Christmas, you know?

- Christmas sucks.

- What'd you say?

- I said Christmas sucks.

- Nobody.

Nobody talks that way about Christmas to Santa Claus.

Come on, step outside.

- Hey, hey, hey, all right, all right, man.

Just chill out.

You just had too many little kids sitting on your lap.

Just sit down.

- Oh, you think that I'm one of those phony department store Santas.

Well, I'll have you know that you were looking at the genuine article.

- Well, I hate to break this to you, Virginia, but there is no Santa Claus.

(laughing)

- Well, then I guess that you won't feel it when I do this.

(thudding)

(yelling)

- Get out of here!

- Come on, get out of here!

- Yeah, and that's when I heard this voice in my head.

- This voice?

- Yeah, yeah, it was a very calm, sincere voice,

kind of like Harry Smith on the CBS morning news.

- And what did this voice tell you?

- The voice said, "Toby, it's time to have a new life.

"Take a new road, become a nun.".

- You know, Santa Claus, how the hell do you know?

First of all, you're black.

What fucked up racist ghost is the Christmas that you grew up with?

Aha, Santa would have never said fucked.

- Yo, Mr. Charles, Mr. Kringle, you guys knock it off from calling the cops.

I don't care if it is Christmas.

- I don't know if you know any of the sisters

over at St. Margaret's, but I wanna

tell you, this was a tough bunch of nuns.

I mean, these were definitely not your Dominique, nique kind of nuns.

- What if that's the way you feel?

Why do you want to become one yourself?

- Oh, don't get me wrong.

I love some nuns like Maria and how to solve a problem like Maria

or Sister Betru, I loved her.

- Miss Petalby, the decision to devote oneself

to Christ's work is a terrible serious one.

Ideally, it should be based on something more

than the hope of someday being able to fly.

I'm sorry, I'm afraid we have no place for you here.

- Oh no, please, you gotta let me.

Look, I know I'm not your regular nun type kind of person,

but believe me, Sister, this is what God wants for me.

Sister, you don't wanna start up with God.

- Did I mention that I happen to be intermittently psychic?

For instance, I know why you're all twisted up inside yourself tonight.

- You do? - Mm-hmm.

It's about S-E-X, right?

- Maybe.

- You think you might be gay, right?

- No, no, anything is the opposite.

- Uh-huh, I'm sure in time we'll understand exactly what that might mean.

- No, no, no, no, look, forget it, all right,

why don't you go see cats, they sing memories, you'll like it.

- Shimmy Hawk, the little town that I'm

from, has a population approximately less

than this apartment building.

Sometimes it gets so crazy, I just pick up the phone,

dial me a number and start talking.

It's time it's your daddy, in fact.

I found in my vast life experience, it's easier to talk to a stranger

than Frank Whitley Moore-Rewarden.

Richard was supposed to deliver the baby in warm water

with music playing, then he composed himself.

Now I have to have my baby on a thing.

- We're gonna be okay, I mean, I'm here,

you know, and all your little barnyard

friends, I mean really, we're gonna be fine.

Help!

- Oh!

- Help!

- God!

- Okay, okay, I lied, we're not gonna be fine.

I'm not a doctor, I can't handle this, I can't, I can't.

- Try, try, just try.

- Are we kidding, we can't have a baby in a barn?

Help!

- I'm sorry I slapped you.

- Totally justified, not to worry.

- Look, we just have to remember everything we learned in birthing class.

- First off, we get you in shape.

You skip rope till you think you're becoming a school girl.

Then you start bouncing a rubber ball till you bounce like one yourself.

- There you go, it's gonna be a snap.

- Just leave me alone.

- Oh, come on, take it.

- Look, I'm sorry that I got so pissed.

This is a really stressful time of year for me.

You know, with all of the presents to deliver.

- So now, for the rest of my life, whenever I think back in my first time,

all I'm gonna see is that expression on Shannon's face, like, huh?

Oh, and forget Christmas, you know, Christmas is fucked forever.

(dramatic music)

First time I ever left Jimmy Hawkeye is 15 years old.

My Aunt Jolene took me down to Dallas, see that fancy on I-Show?

I used to look just like cartoon characters more than real people.

Anyway, after the show, I snuck backstage and I met Jimmy Buckets.

Starred as Woofy the dog in the show.

Got drunk on Orange Ne-Hyde Southern Comfort.

And I ended up having sex for the very first time

pressed up against one of those Zamboni machines.

The whole time, all I kept thinking was,

I wish you'd take off that stupid head.

- What?

- Believe me, I know how important your first time is.

- Remember when Jeremy was born?

- God, it was such a nutcase.

(screaming)

- Oh no!

No, no, no, you weren't so bad.

- Martin, you had to get stitches.

- Well, it wasn't your finest hour.

- You know, it's funny when I think back on that,

I actually don't even remember the pain.

- It is funny, I do.

- Thank you for being here.

No, I mean, you were right before.

I am always dragging you back into my life and it's not fair.

(sighing)

- I am really glad you're here.

- Me too.

(screaming)

- Oh God!

- God!

- God!

- God!

(screaming)

- Jeremy, honey, you've had one life alternate experience this evening.

Maybe that's enough for one night.

- I appreciate your concern.

You're not just doing this on a pity or something.

I mean, that would be okay.

I was just wondering.

- I don't think you're cute as hell.

Besides, I just hate the thought of Christmas being roomed for you forever.

- Breathe.

Breathe.

Breathe.

Breathe.

I am breathing.

Listen very closely.

This is the sound of me breathing.

- Uh-huh.

- Oh God!

- Oh!

- Uh-oh!

- Oh!

(singing in foreign language)

- Now we're gonna take this real spot.

I'm never the sex again.

I'm never the sex again.

- No, no, fight the pain.

You'd conquer the pain.

What does that mean, conquer the pain?

You fucking conquer the pain!

(screaming)

♪ My friends will ride in armor ♪

♪ Just to keep my hand ♪

- When you were having Jeremy, it wasn't

about now they started giving you drugs.

(gasping)

- I have to do it.

Do it.

(gasping)

- That was much better than last time.

- Oh boy.

Jeremy honey, I'd tell you.

Well there's a certain improvisational nature to your technique.

You've got some natural talent that is most impressive.

What you thinking?

- We do it again.

(singing in foreign language)

(screaming)

- How could he have forgotten what this was like?

- I don't know.

(screaming)

(singing in foreign language)

So, how come you're not at home setting

out to Stockins with the wife and kids?

- Divorced.

- Oh, I'm sorry.

- No, no, no, no, no, man, don't be.

I'm just not the married guy type.

You know, I do much better with the single thing.

- Getting drunk on Christmas Eve, eating cherries for dinner.

What a life.

- Hey, hey, why the hell aren't you at home with Mrs. Claus?

(laughing)

- There is no Mrs. Claus.

Some PR guy made her up.

(laughing)

You know how people get when you work with kids.

- Mm, yep.

- It gets real lonely up at the pole.

Of course, there are the elves, but we ain't close.

- Uh-huh.

(laughing)

(somber music)

- I'm getting too old man to be alone.

There comes a time in a man's life when he just wants to be sure

that somebody is gonna be there.

- Somebody to curl up under the covers.

Somebody to laugh at your jokes.

(laughing)

And not take any of your crap.

- Yeah, I guess.

- Don't guess.

You don't wanna end up like me.

- So what do I do?

- I don't know, man.

I just make the toys.

(somber music)

- I fell off my stool.

(laughing)

There I must be shit-faced.

(laughing)

- And you understand in becoming the bride of Christ,

you would have to take a vow of celibacy.

Not a big change in my lifestyle, if you know what I mean.

And you'll be called on to relinquish all worldly possessions as well.

- Not a problem.

Although there is this armchair that Mr. Snuffles likes to sleep in.

- And Mr. Snuffles would be?

- My cat.

Don't worry, he only yells when entertainment tonight is on.

- Oh, we don't allow animals in the convent.

- Wait a minute.

You don't?

Oh, he doesn't.

- It's our policy.

- It's crazy.

I can't confort my babies.

I can't.

I just can't.

Forget it.

I don't wanna be part of any religion that doesn't allow pets.

(growling)

- Forget it.

I'm not gonna do it.

Forget it, I'm not gonna cut the umbilical cord with my teeth.

- Martin, we were awfully close here.

What do you propose we use?

(dramatic music)

- Well, I don't know.

I don't know, you can raise that baby still

connected to your vagina for all I can.

I'm not gonna do it.

- What the hell are you doing in my barn?

- Thank God.

We need a doctor right away.

- You're Richard Stone's wife, aren't you?

- Yes, I am.

Everybody's looking for you.

It's all over the news and here you are in my barn.

I know this is so exciting.

- Now would you please get us a doctor before I hit you with that bucket?

(car horn honking)

- Well, that was uncalled for.

(dramatic music)

(dramatic music)

- Night, Beth.

Night, Beth.

- Mm, mm.

- One more time?

- Mm.

- Come on, come on, I'll probably be

years before I get a chance to do it again.

(laughing)

- Oh, Martin, it's coming.

Oh, shh.

(piano music)

- No, no, no, no, no, no, wait.

(dramatic music)

- Wait.

I'll be back with the doctor any second, you know.

Just hold it in.

- Oh, I don't think I can do this.

This is birth.

- I don't care.

I don't care.

Just stop that baby.

- Lord, I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

I want to serve you and bask in your holy light,

but not if it means giving up Mr. Snuffles.

Please, speak to me.

I don't know what to do.

Just give me a sign.

(dramatic music)

- Well, it looks like a rabbit.

- That's it.

I'm supposed to buy a rabbit.

(yelling)

- Come on, Judith, hang in there.

Hang in there, you can do it.

- Martin, this is not the end I need you at.

- I'm the plumber.

I'm just hanging around in case something goes wrong with our pipes.

- Right, right.

(yelling)

Go.

Go, I see something.

I think I really see something.

- What, what do you see?

- Oh my God.

- What, what is it?

- What is it?

- Oh, no, no, it's okay.

It's just a foot.

I thought it was a horrible little hand, you know, but it's just a foot.

- A foot?

It's not supposed to be a foot.

It's breached.

Oh God, Martin, it's breached.

- Mayday, mayday.

It's breached, it's breached.

What do we do?

- I don't know, I don't know.

- What the shush?

Should I pull it?

- No, don't pull it.

- Should I push it back in?

- No, just, God.

- What do you want me to do?

- I don't know.

- Let's do something!

(crying)

- I'm an amateur magician, how about a magic show?

- Oh my God!

(crying)

(dramatic music)

- Oh, Richard!

(dramatic music)

- Hold this for me, will you, Martin?

- I knew you'd come.

(dramatic music)

- You're ready to push.

- Good.

- Now push.

(screaming)

- We have a son.

(crying)

(dramatic music)

- It's a miracle.

(dramatic music)

- He's beautiful.

- He is.

He looks just like you.

(dramatic music).

- This is a private conversation, but

no extras in the scene, run along with it.

(dramatic music)

- Peace on Earth, good will to men.

(crashing).

- Uh, Mary Beth, I'm never gonna forget this night.

- Well, I should hope not.

- I'll send you a card every Christmas.

- I'd like that.

(sighing)

- Mary Beth, is seven times really that much?

- Let's just say men have died from last.

Take care, honey.

(kissing)

(dramatic music)

- Merry Christmas.

- Thank you.

(laughing)

- Jeremy?

- Dad.

- Come here.

(footsteps)

- Merry Christmas.

- Are you okay?

- Yeah.

- I'm happy too.

This was the most amazing night.

You have a brother.

- Cool, all right.

- Hey.

Come here.

What are you doing up so early?

- Uh.

- Oh.

Oh.

Just couldn't wait to get under that

Christmas tree and open those presents, huh?

- Yeah, yeah, that's it, the presents.

(upbeat music)

- Oh.

- All right, all right, so he's cute.

He's not cute, he's perfect.

- He looks just like Richard, only younger.

I love babies.

- Wow, look at this.

This kid's making out like a bandit, huh?

- Oh well, you know the Wisemans.

I mean, they never know when to stop.

- Just a coincidence.

- Judith, he's gorgeous.

- Could you ever see yourself having one?

- Maybe.

What?

What, it could happen.

You never know.

- So, how were all your Christmases?

Well?

- Yeah.

- Uh, this is... - Mary.

- Jeremy, you look taller somehow.

- I got him new sneakers.

- Oh, are you precious?

Excuse me, but shouldn't we take a moment

to remember another person born today?

- Barbara Mandrell.

- Maybe we should let the new mother get some sleep.

- Martin, I just wanted to thank you for... (laughs)

Well, for everything.

I couldn't have gotten through it without you.

- No, no, no, really, it was Richard.

- No, no, you were terrific.

And, well, we would really like you to do

us the honor of being the baby's godfather.

- Really?

- Yeah.

- You can count on me.

- I'd be honored.

I mean, to do the honor.

(sighs)

- So is it a grace?

(laughs).

(somber music)

- Excuse me for interrupting, but have you ever noticed

that the water stain in your bathtub looks an awful lot like Moses?

♪ Christmas time is always here ♪

♪ Now it's here, now it's here ♪

♪ Bringing out the joy of cheer ♪

♪ La, la, la, la, la ♪