Original subtitles

Later on, Tunesmith Neil Sadaka will be dropping by to share his recipe for

delicious potato latkes, a traditional Hanukkah tree.

Cuz you know, it's not just Christmas.

>> No, it's not, is it?

Oh, and there's more holiday hijinks to come.

>> You know, Christy, the holidays seem to bring out the best in everyone.

>> Excuse me.

Do you think you could move in, sir?

Because I certainly can't, this is a solid mess here.

Thank you.

>> There she blows.

>> Hey, Jude, Merry Christmas.

>> Don't even try to pull that cherry shit with me.

I've got an eight pound baby dancing on my bladder.

[SOUND]

>> Well, you look great.

You're actually glowing.

>> You know why?

Because I'm hot.

It's two degrees out and I'm hot.

I am like a fucking toaster oven.

And the baby isn't even due for three more weeks.

Three weeks until the arrival of the amazing Richard Stone baby.

See, that's what they're all calling it, you know that?

The Richard Stone baby.

What am I, a police?

>> Are you allowed to drink yet?

>> I'm sorry, I'm just huge and hormonal.

So I don't suppose you'd like to take a

drive to the country with me tomorrow.

[SOUND]

>> I think not.

>> I'll be good, I promise.

Come on.

It'll be great to spend some time together before the baby comes.

You know, just the two of us.

[MUSIC]

>> That does sound kind of nice.

What's in the country?

>> Oh, some Amish village is supposed to present Richard with this giant qu

ilt they made for the baby.

[MUSIC]

>> And where's Richard?

>> He's stuck in Rome.

Apparently his buddy, the Pope, wants him

to do a Christmas Mass with him this year.

You know, sort of like a, a ghost.

>> And so you thought of me.

Well, I'm afraid I can't.

I have a lot of work to do before the holiday.

>> Okay.

No problem.

I'll just go alone.

>> Fine.

>> Excuse me.

Could we have some bread, please?

Some of us are here to eat.

Thank you.

>> What do you think the woman of today needs most in dealing with the

problems of motherhood?

>> A bottle of whiskey and a psychiatrist.

[MUSIC]

[MUSIC]

>> Hang on.

We're going to hit.

>> Bullseye!

[LAUGHTER]

>> What the hell?

>> Isn't it great?

I got it as a stocking stuffer for my nephew Petey.

It was either this or a little tank that shoots plastic pellets that could

take your eye out.

But Petey's only got one eye, so I thought, woof, but or not.

>> What a lovely Christmas story.

>> Speaking of which, I got this great idea for a Christmas book for kids.

It's the story of the birth of Christ, only it's all told with cows.

>> Cows?

>> It's utterly mad.

>> Sure.

Kids love cows.

It's the same story.

Jesus married Joseph the whole schmear.

>> Only in a cow kind of way.

>> Believe me, after 12 years of Catholic school, anything you could do to

spice up the material couldn't hurt.

>> Oh, that sounds... >> Moo.

>> Fascinating.

I just have a couple of questions about the whole cow concept.

>> Such as?

>> Well, when they say, no, no room for them at the end, won't it seem like

maybe it's because of their cows?

And when they have to sleep in a manger, doesn't that sort of make sense?

Considering that they're cows and the

wise men, how wise can a bunch of cows ...

>> Okay, okay.

I hear you.

>> You know, I get so few ideas.

You can at least pretend to be interested.

>> Great!

That is just great.

I hope you're happy.

>> Shh.

>> Come on.

>> What, what, what is it?

>> It's Mary.

>> Mary who?

>> The virgin Mary.

In the cracks.

>> Have you seen it? Have you seen it?

>> Seen what?

>> It's marvelous.

It's marvelous.

I can't believe it.

>> I sort of see a rabbit.

[choir singing]

>> You know what I heard?

After Lyle Schwartz's party, Ashley Clinger and Brian Sericino did it.

>> No way.

They've only been going out for like three weeks.

That's totally pathetic.

>> Yeah, yeah, that's what I thought.

>> So do you think you could ever see us... >> Doing it?

>> No.

No, it's not what I was thinking.

But it is an interesting question, though.

>> Well, actually, it was supposed to be a surprise,

but that was going to be her Christmas present.

>> Wow.

>> Yeah.

>> I only got you a sweater.

>> I've kind of wanted to for a long time, but then I thought,

you know, Christmas would be more special.

>> Sure, sure.

We're talking this Christmas, right?

>> Yeah.

I was thinking maybe Christmas Eve, like tomorrow night.

>> I'm afraid.

>> What?

>> You're cool.

Oh, yummy, yummy.

These potato lackeys are so delicious.

They almost make you wish that you were Jewish.

>> Join us tomorrow for more holiday fun and surprises.

Bye-bye, everybody.

>> Bye-bye.

We'll see you tomorrow.

>> Have a good plan.

>> If anybody cares, I have got lackey grease all over my fingers.

>> Come and get Kristy a doll.

>> Hello.

>> Hey, bud.

How would you like to go out with an

incredibly attractive dental technician?

Who you're not going out with because?

>> I subsequently made a date with an even more attractive lingerie model.

>> Trading up again, huh, Eddie?

How do you sleep at night?

>> Not alone.

I'll tell you that.

>> Come on, man.

Help me out here.

Hey, it's tomorrow.

>> Well, see, there you go.

I already have a date tomorrow night.

>> With?

>> You remember I told you about that wrong number from Texas.

>> Who, the phone sex lady?

>> Well, I like to think it's gone a bit beyond that, but yes,

yes, Mary Beth is coming to New York tomorrow night.

>> Okay, so you haven't actually seen this woman then, right?

And so for all you know, she could have a hump.

And I know mine doesn't.

[ Laughs ]

>> Goodbye, Eddie.

>> Oh, come on, man.

A hump in her lazy eye.

A hump in her leg.

She drags behind.

>> Morning.

>> Morning.

>> Listen, do you know when you're going out tonight and

where you're going and what time you'll be back?

>> Seven-ish probably after dinner, and I really have no idea why.

>> No reason.

Just curious about you and your life.

>> Boom.

>> Boom.

>> You okay?

>> Yeah, yeah, I'm fine.

It's just Christmas Eve day.

It's a special time of year.

>> You sure you're okay?

>> Yeah.

>> You just poured orange juice in your cereal.

>> Oh.

Oh, yeah, I know.

It's the '90s, Dad.

All the kids eat it this way.

[ Music ]

>> It's gratifying for a man to see his own brains coming out in his sun.

[ Music ]

>> Line up and get your presents.

>> Plenty of presents for everyone.

>> So I was talking to my boss, Martin Tupper, about this great Christmas

story idea I had about cops.

>> That's fascinating, Miss Petalby.

And then what happened?

>> I turned and I looked, and there she was.

Her hair was a little shorter than I

remember from Catechism, but it was merry.

No doubt about it.

>> There you have it.

Not since Jesus was spotted in a Campbell's suit billboard in Pittsburgh.

Have we seen such religious fervor?

>> This is Susan Saladul, live at the site of the Petalby Madonna.

>> The posted thingies are five bucks.

The pencils are 10 bucks.

Take a pencil.

It's like owning a piece of the true cost.

And you can write with it.

>> Martin Tupper's office.

>> Please come to Pennsylvania with me.

>> Who is this?

>> It's me.

You remember, Pennsylvania Dutch country?

Oh, please, please.

I'm just -- I'm feeling so happy today.

>> I don't know.

I have a date tonight.

>> Come on.

You'll be home by 6, 5 -- 4.30 at the latest.

>> I don't think so.

>> I can see.

Not clearly, but I can see.

>> Get me out of here now to where I see anything.

>> Hey!

I didn't recognize the car.

>> Oh, it's a loner.

I had a little bender bender.

Thank you so much for coming with me.

I mean, it really -- it really means a lot.

>> I'm happy to do it.

>> I'm happy to do it.

>> I'm happy to do it.

>> I'm happy to do it.

[ Music ]

>> Just don't tell Rudolph.

>> Oh, and there's a lot more holiday hijinks to come.

So don't go away.

>> And we're clear.

>> Cheryl, hey, it's Eddie.

Listen, are we definitely on for tonight?

Excellent.

Why don't you come by the studio, round six?

All right.

See you then.

Cynthia, hi, it's Eddie.

Listen, I don't think tonight's going to be good.

Food poisoning?

Yeah.

Muscles, marinara.

You know, I just feel so bad about tonight.

Uh-oh, going to be sick again.

Got to go.

Bye.

>> Back, guys.

>> Disgusting.

>> Like I care.

>> Fuck you.

Welcome back, everyone.

Well, Mr. Weatherman tells us it looks like we're going to have a white

Christmas after all.

Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way.

I said let's just take the Pennsylvania turn cart.

No, no, you had to save money on tolls.

Excuse me.

I'm just a little bit busy right now, okay?

I said I'd pay the tolls, but no.

Okay, look, why don't you stop talking and watch the road.

[MUSIC]

Hey, hey, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.

Oh, look here.

Damn.

Damn, there's a sign.

What did it say?

I couldn't see it.

I was too busy watching the road.

Well, just keep your hands on the wheel, will you?

Don't you tell me how to drive.

Excuse me.

[MUSIC]

Stop humming.

[MUSIC]

You have to pee again.

I warned you about getting that big gulp.

Well, I was thirsty.

Well, if you have to, you can always use the souvenir cup.

Oh, you'd really like that, wouldn't you?

To watch you pee in a cup?

Oh, more than anything.

I mean, who cares if I miss my date, as long as I get to see that.

[MUSIC]

Eddie Charles.

Damn.

Hey, when did you get back?

Fantastic.

Listen, I saw your movie.

You were unbelievable.

Yeah.

So, when can I see you?

Tonight?

No, no, tonight is great.

I'll see you around seven below right.

See you there.

Yes.

Hi.

Hey, Cheryl.

I'm sorry I'm late.

The shoot ran long.

So, what do you want to do?

What I want to do is take you out to dinner, but I just found out that my

mother is really sick, and I really should go see her.

I'm sorry.

Oh, God, no.

I hope she feels better.

Thanks.

Come here.

Oh, you are so good.

By the way, are we still on for New Year's?

Um, why don't we wait to see how my mom's doing?

Oh, okay, sure.

Are you actually blaming an unborn child because you couldn't read a map?

No, no, no, no.

I'm blaming him because we're stuck in this Pennsylvania Dutch nightmare in

the first place.

It is not his fault.

If people want to give him a quilt.

[MUSIC]

Oh, please.

I mean, what is the big deal about this kid anyway?

I'm sorry.

I know he's yours.

Jesus Christ.

He's just a baby.

Look, a sign.

[MUSIC]

Just a coincidence.

[MUSIC]

Hey.

Hey.

How's it going?

Great.

You, uh, want a drink?

I'd love one.

I have you, who?

Orange juice, pineapple juice, and seltzer.

Seltzer would be good.

Here, this is for you.

Thanks.

It's really pretty.

Is that the, uh, thank you for your present or the beginning of mine?

[PHONE RINGING]

Hello?

Jeremy?

This is Dad.

Look, your mother and I are stuck in Pennsylvania, okay?

All the highways are closed.

We're gonna have to spend the night.

Now, are you, are you gonna be okay?

Yeah, yeah, I'll be fine.

No big deal.

We're at the Bethlehem bedtime inn, okay?

We don't have any room numbers yet.

Great. Have a nice night.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, Jeremy.

I'm expecting a friend of mine around eight o'clock now.

Her name is Mary Beth, and, and, and just, just tell her what happened and

apologize for me, will you?

Mm-hmm.

Jeremy?

I'm sorry. There is nothing I can do.

That's ridiculous. You must have something.

I'm telling you, ma'am, we're all booked up. Everyone's here for the putts.

What?

The Christmas putts.

Who's the Christmas putts?

Hello, anybody home?

The putts is nahoo. It's our live pageant. The Moravian Christmas putts.

You see, the city of Bethlehem was founded by Moravian missionaries in 1741.

Thank you for that fascinating bit of local history, Mr. Quinn, but I have a

pregnant woman here.

Well, I'm sorry. There is nothing I can do.

There is just no room at the end .

Just a coincidence.

Don't be ridiculous. You don't know who I am, do you?

Come on, Judith. He's not gonna give us any money.

You happen to be talking to Mrs. Richard Stone.

Oh, yeah, yeah, I thought I recognized you. A Life magazine.

Oh, my God.

Helene, isn't the woman that's carrying the Richard Stone baby?

Smile!

It is. Oh, Mrs. Richard Stone.

No, may we have a room?

No.

Merry Christmas, Mr. Quinn.

It's really festive.

Yeah, I thought so.

We don't have to do this if you don't want to.

No, I do.

I really do.

I don't know. Let's.

No vacancies. Six motels and no vacancies.

Maybe we should try one of these side roads.

I hate this much. I hate it.

Is it on?

Yeah, it's on.

Are you sure it's on?

I'm positive.

Okay, I'm just gonna... Okay.

Ow!

You're on my hair.

Sorry.

Okay.

Oh, my God.

Um, Jeremy?

What?

You're not.

What?

Yeah, I'm not.

Yeah, I am.

No, you're really not.

Okay, that's it.

That feels right.

Feels right. That definitely feels right.

Okay, here we go.

I, uh... I think I already went.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

Why would the Almighty show this to me?

I haven't been to church in years.

It's a mind-boggler.

Unless that's why I was chosen.

Maybe... He's calling me back to the flock.

Maybe he wants to use me for some larger purpose.

Like what?

Like typing his letters?

Like answering his phones?

You know what your problem is?

You would think that the world revolves around you.

Just because you're cracked some flat to the shape of the Blessed Virgin,

you think that you can't stop.

Let me tell you something.

I am still nine months old within you.

I know now what I must do.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪].

For you, Mr. Charles.

Thank you.

Eddie Charles, hello.

Dan, hey, where are you?

Uh-huh.

No, no, no, I understand.

Uh, maybe next week then.

Oh, well... Merry Christmas.

Her mother's sick.

Food poisoning.

So, uh... Have fun in Barbados.

Thanks.

Anyway, I should go.

Um, Shannon?

Yeah?

Enjoy this water.

[♪♪♪]

Great, great, great, great, great, great!

Maybe they'll find our bodies in the spring.

What am I doing here?

I shouldn't be here.

I should be home with Mary Beth.

Richard should be stuck in the fucking snow with you.

Yeah, if Richard were here, we probably wouldn't be stuck.

But Richard's never here.

And I'm sick of being the one you call when

he's too busy saving the fucking world.

I'm sick of being the fucking surrogate husband.

Oh, all right.

All right.

That's just fine with me.

And I promise you something.

If I ever get out of this fucking car alive,

I promise I will never, ever ask you to do anything for me ever again.

Thank you, thank you very, very much.

Come on.

Martin.

What?

I think my water just broke.

She's going to have a baby.