Original subtitles

>> You sure I can't help?

>> Dad, I'm making dinner for you tonight, so relax.

>> I just don't want you to think I'm not willing.

[LAUGH]

>> I do it.

[MUSIC]

>> I have my song going today.

It's a boy.

I'm having a boy.

There's gonna be a little bit here.

>> All the young ladies to say woo.

>> Congratulations.

>> Jeremy, Jeremy, guess what?

You're going to have a little brother.

>> Cool, Mama's great.

Do we have any tongs?

>> No, no, we don't.

>> Look, isn't he handsome?

>> He's a fine looking boy.

What's this over his head?

It looks like a halo.

>> A god.

>> No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

That must be a scratch on the film or something.

>> Don't worry, I've got it.

No problem.

>> Martin, I need to ask you a favor.

Could you sub for Richard at my birthing class?

It's only until he comes back from Estonia.

>> What's he doing in Estonia?

>> Well, they just had their first free elections and

it seems they voted in president.

It's gonna take a while to sort things out.

>> They shot King Richard.

>> I can see how it would.

>> Anyway, it's only one night a week and it'll be fun, really, please?

>> I don't know.

I'm very busy with work.

>> Martin, I'm pregnant.

I'll cry.

>> Okay.

>> Dinner's up.

>> I kind of scorched some of your pans, but it was worth it.

>> Hope you're hungry.

>> Muffins?

>> Five kinds.

>> Well, that's terrific.

>> It's great.

There's nothing I love more than- >> M-E-A-T.

>> Muffins for dinner.

>> [LAUGH]

>> [MUSIC]

>> Hello, mothers and others.

I'm Martha Buck, your tour guide through the glorious odyssey of birth.

Now, as you know, we'll be using the Richard Stone method.

>> What happened to Lamaze?

>> What happened to the horse and buggy?

>> Birth is like a rich melodic song.

Once you give yourself over to the song, you feel no pain.

>> Excuse me, would that be before or after the epidural?

>> [LAUGH]

>> Who said that?

The voice is familiar.

>> Dr. Stone doesn't believe in the use of painkillers during labor.

>> Well, it's easy for him to say.

>> He believes she's so smart, then why doesn't she just come up with her

own technique?

>> Today's lesson is relaxation.

>> Do you know her name?

>> Of course I know her name.

>> Kelly.

>> True relaxation.

>> You know that woman.

We went to high school.

>> Let's close our eyes and listen to the music.

>> Breathe in, breathe out.

Breathe in, breathe out.

>> Let the music wash.

>> You're the cat's meow.

>> Or the gentle breeze on a summer's day.

>> Martin?

>> Yeah?

>> Martin Topper?

>> My God.

>> Let it soothe you.

>> You look exactly the same.

>> Yeah, but with bigger boobs.

>> I see.

>> I see.

>> Do you mind?

>> You was pretty.

>> She's pissed off, but pretty?

>> She's not my wife.

She used to be my wife, now she's somebody else's wife.

I'm glad I have a wife.

>> You're doing this for your ex.

>> That is so you.

>> You and where's yours?

>> Gun.

>> Yeah, I know.

That's so me.

>> Okay, now let's all concentrate.

Of course that's not so easy to do with all this chit chat.

>> And a one and a two and a teacher wants a quiet.

>> And a one and a two and a teacher wants a fight.

>> What are you doing after this?

>> You want to come over for a beer?

>> Might be poison.

>> I'm sorry, I mean a cup of coffee.

>> You got any poison?

>> Why don't I just take you on a roller coaster?

>> Oh, sounds great.

I'll bring the heroin.

[MUSIC]

>> You look so stumped.

>> No, no, no, this is normal me.

Okay, here, I'm stoned.

Look, Derek Kaines.

>> You remember when you broke up with me?

And we went under the bleachers and we drank all those little bottles of

southern comfort until I threw up.

>> No, no, no, no, no, no, that was after Jimmy Norton.

>> Derek Kaines is when we went to play land and we rode the wild mouse 32

times.

>> And then I threw up.

>> What?

>> Ah.

>> [LAUGH]

>> Well, here we are again, huh?

>> Hmm.

You know, I really thought this one was different.

I mean, he was this musician and things were really working out until about

seven months ago.

>> What an asshole.

>> Love must be fostered with gentle words and sweet attentions.

>> You're not gonna throw up, are you?

>> Yeah, he's not worth it.

>> Hmm.

>> Like it's Kevin Carlton.

>> Yeah.

>> I always hated that guy.

>> He was my first real love.

>> I know.

>> That's why I hated him.

[MUSIC]

>> Miss Petaldy is a highly emotional

girl with kind of a weird sense of humor.

[MUSIC]

>> Hey, bud.

>> Help, help.

>> It's me, it's me.

>> Don't do that to me.

>> Okay, I'm sorry, man.

>> Listen, what do you say you and me two babes tonight, huh?

Sounding good?

>> I can't.

>> No, no, no, man.

I'm saying I got us dates.

You know, two single guys out on the town.

>> I know what you're saying.

I'm just, I'm busy.

>> Uh-huh.

>> I see.

>> Yeah, Martin, man, you gotta help me out.

I made two dates for the same night.

I fucked up.

>> Martin, we've gotta do something.

>> You're on your own.

>> I already have plans for tonight.

>> Yeah, well, the babe I got for you models underwear, huh?

Who's yours?

>> Catherine Kennedy.

>> No shit?

>> Yeah.

>> Who'd you break up with this time?

>> Some asshole.

>> Well, what a surprise.

>> So you're finally gonna fuck her, huh?

>> No, I'm not going to fuck her.

We're just friends.

>> Yeah, sure.

Man, you've been after her since she broke up with Skipper Bensley.

>> Now come on.

>> Which way are you gonna do it first?

>> Doggy style.

>> What the fuck's the matter with you?

>> You're sick.

>> I told you, I am not going to sleep with her.

>> Okay, fine, fine.

So where'd you run into her?

>> Jewish birthing class.

>> Oh, please.

Tell me she's the teacher.

>> I'm not even going to dignify that with a response.

>> Wait a minute.

>> Wait a minute.

>> Aw, man, you're gonna sleep with a pregnant woman.

>> I am not going to sleep with her.

>> Okay, but if you do, just don't get involved.

Unless you wanna find yourself up to your butt in dirty diapers.

>> Is there a plate in your head?

>> Did I tell you I wasn't gonna sleep with her?

I am not.

I am not going to sleep with her.

>> Good.

[MUSIC]

>> You wanna bed?

[MUSIC]

>> Here you go.

I'm sorry about dinner.

You hated it, didn't you?

>> No, no, no, no, really, there's nothing I love more than- >> Me.

>> Tofu.

>> Oh.

>> Do never think you're out there on your own.

>> Thank you.

[MUSIC]

>> Well, I- [MUSIC]

>> I should probably go.

>> You know you don't have to.

>> Well, it's just the end.

>> Too wild to tame?

[MUSIC]

>> That must be it.

>> I'd like you to stay if you want to.

>> As it happens, I don't have any other plan.

[MUSIC]

[MUSIC]

[MUSIC].

[MUSIC]

>> The baby kicked.

[MUSIC]

>> Beautiful.

[MUSIC]

[MUSIC]

[MUSIC].

>> Open air to yellow, leaves are green.

There we go.

>> Why does the tiger have a yarmulke?

>> Well, I messed up the head, so I just sort of went with it.

>> Where's my little kitty cat?

>> There she is.

Not so little anymore.

>> Bobby, what the fuck are you doing here?

[MUSIC]

>> I'm back, and here I am.

>> This is him.

This is the guy.

>> You asshole.

What could possibly be going through your mind?

>> I'll tell you.

I'm sitting in this bar in Freeport slamming vodka's with rigo and sticks,

and I ask the bartender what's his name.

He says, "It's Kid."

I start weeping like a schoolgirl.

I don't know why.

Three days later, I'm on stage in the middle of beating off the band.

Suddenly, it hits me.

I'm going to have a kid.

Not kid, the bartender, but a little baby.

>> Oh, please.

>> Excuse me.

You can't just walk in here.

>> I'm sorry.

Where are my manners?

Bobby Crow, MCA recording artist.

>> Martin Tupper.

[MUSIC]

>> Editor of books, and just for your information, Cat and I are an item.

>> Well, I'm back now.

So, off you go.

And there's a little parting gift for you.

My latest CD, "Crawl and Crossbone."

It's a play on words.

Do you get it?

>> Yeah.

Yeah, I get it.

>> Who the hell do you think you are?

>> No, it's me, Bobby Crow.

See?

>> I see the guy who walked out on me seven months ago.

>> Now, how about a repeat before -- >> Oh, come on, Cat.

I'm sorry.

I was stupid.

I've got to give me another chance.

I'm the father of your baby.

>> You are not a father.

You are just some creep who got me pregnant.

>> Bye-bye now.

I'm sorry I don't have a parting gift for you.

>> No, please, Cat.

Without you, I'm not -- I'm not a helmet without a head.

Empty.

Divide.

[DOOR SLAMS]

[DOOR SLAMS]

>> You okay?

>> Yeah.

Sort of.

Not really.

I'm just glad you're here.

>> What do you say we give three cheers to the champion?

Come on.

Hurry!

Hurry!

Hurry!

>> This woman is having a wonderful, glorious experience.

The baby's head is just into the cervix,

and its feet are pressing against the mummy's backbone.

Forget this.

Where's the cesarean class?

[LAUGHS]

>> Martin, this isn't the dry bean.

Cat.

Hey!

Cat.

Cat, you out there?

Oi.

Hey, look.

I've got a baby holder to hold our baby.

>> Look, Bobby, this isn't the time of the place.

>> Hey, book fellow, how you doing?

Hey, all this.

See, it's got the alphabet on it.

Babies love to spell.

>> Oh, that is really sweet.

>> Hi, Mrs. Stone.

>> Hi, Bobby.

>> You know him?

>> Richard produced his solo album.

[DRUMMING]

>> I'll have to pick it up.

>> I've got this little leather jacket just like mine.

>> Hey, Mommy.

Are you ready to rock and roll?

>> I'm trying, Cat.

I'm really trying hard.

>> Bobby.

>> I love you.

>> Can we talk about this another time?

>> Ding dong.

Hello there.

We have a lot to cover today.

>> That's right.

>> Oh, that's no problem for me.

We can't stick to outside.

We're going to go up to FAO Schwartz.

Got me on a big, fussy duck.

Thanks, Martin.

Cheers, everyone.

Enjoy the film.

>> What am I going to do about him?

>> Two words.

Restraining order.

>> Now let's take a look at our friend the vagina.

Watch as it flexes its mighty walls and

pushes the baby's head into the light of day.

[MUSIC]

>> Surprise.

It's gorgeous.

Come on, let's go for a pic.

>> Oh, Martin, that's so sweet.

>> Come on.

I got grape juice.

I got cheese.

I got those little forks, you know.

What's this?

>> I need to talk to you.

>> It's huge.

[MUSIC]

>> Yeah.

Yeah, I think you do have to talk to me.

>> Martin, I'm sorry, but I've decided to give Bobby another chance.

>> What about us?

>> Oh, God, you were the last person in the world I'd ever want to hurt.

>> And don't.

Hurt him.

>> He walked out on you.

>> He came back.

He's changed.

And he's the father of my child.

>> I'm here beyond the boss.

Don't have a boss.

>> He's an idiot.

What's the "m"?

>> Oh, well, then I'm the idiot because I love him.

>> I can take a hint.

>> Look, honey, my neck's single.

>> Well, well, well.

Daddy's here.

Oh, and look, he can't even keep his pants up.

>> Oops.

Thanks, Martin.

>> Okay, all right.

You win.

You win.

But you better take care of this woman.

And you better take care of this baby.

>> I'm doing it.

Did you see the duck?

>> I think it's going to take more than a big duck to get the job done.

>> No, let me -- let me just give you a wake-up call, okay?

No more cigarettes for you.

And you better get used to vomiting on those nice leather pants of yours.

>> I already am.

>> Okay, Martin.

Thank you.

>> And you have to be there 24 hours a day, okay?

Forget about sleep.

Forget about free time.

You're on the baby's time now.

You know, you feel like jumping on

your bike and riding cross-country, right ?

Or partying all night with Rico and sticks.

Well, forget about it.

You ready to give all that up, are you?

Huh?

>> I don't know.

>> Well, you better know because being

a father is fucking hard and it's forever.

>> Jesus.

>> I'm sorry, Kat.

He's -- he's right.

I can't do this.

I'm no dad.

Sorry, hon.

>> Okay.

Okay, take care now.

Yeah, bye-bye.

Don't forget to write.

>> Uh-huh.

Sleep?

Well, there you go.

If you rescue me once more, I'll be in your debt for life.

>> You asshole.

>> Oh, me?

>> Who gave you the right to do that?

>> I mean, who gave me the right -- I care about you.

I'm trying to do what's best for you and the baby.

>> Hey, I get to decide what's best for me and my baby.

>> Well, isn't it better if he walks out

now instead of three months from now?

>> He didn't walk out.

You chased him out.

>> Come on.

Come on, Kat.

There's no way that he is ready to be a father.

>> Oh, and when you had Jeremy, you were.

You weren't scared shitless.

You didn't have any doubts.

>> Well, yeah, yeah.

Come on, everybody does.

>> Then why didn't you tell him that?

Just -- just go.

>> Kat?

Kat?

I'm sorry.

[ Music ]

>> Loud face, forward march.

>> This is my son, Jeremy.

>> Hello, son Jeremy.

>> Yeah, nice to meet you, dad.

I was supposed to be a chairman.

It's 15 minutes ago.

>> So you'd be a little late.

This is Bobby Kroll.

Remember that CV I gave you?

>> Yeah, I got a buck for it at discs and things.

>> Really?

I got a whole box of them.

>> You know what my son here did for me a few weeks ago, huh?

He made me muffins.

Five kinds, wasn't it?

>> Yeah, definitely.

He'd be cool about this.

>> No, tell Bobby about school.

Go ahead.

>> I go to school.

>> Tell him about that report you did on Bolivia.

This is great.

>> I did a report on Bolivia.

Who cares?

I'll send him a copy.

Can we get out of here?

[ Music ]

>> Let go!

>> This never happens.

You know, he's just a little moody today.

Jeremy, put the guitar down.

But you have to believe me when I tell you that there is no greater joy than

watching them grow up.

Becoming their own people with their own little ideas.

[ Music ]

>> Fuck!

>> Move!

>> Are they back?

[ Music ]

>> Get out of here!

>> Gee, do we have to?

[ Pause ]

>> Sorry about that.

Thanks for stopping by!

[ Pause ]

>> Little bastard.

[ Music ]

>> Get me a blue one!

[ Background noise ]

>> Look, I'm really sorry about what I did.

>> You don't have to.

>> Yes, yes, yes.

I do.

Now look, I want you to know whatever happens, you know, whatever you need,

I'm here for you.

No, no strings attached.

>> No, you really don't have to.

>> Say that slow and strap me in.

>> Oh my God.

Is Bobby?

>> He showed up at my door last night saying something about the joy of

forming the baby's little ideas.

>> I -- >> Thank you, thank you very much.

You're all my fans.

I love you madly.

>> I'm very happy for you.

>> Thanks.

[ Laughter ]

>> Here I am.

Got nowhere to do when Ed pops out.

Hey, Marty.

>> Well, what's the drill?

>> You did it, huh?

>> Your words moved me strangely.

>> But my son, I mean, you know, he was such a -- >> Prick.

I like that.

Spunky little fucker.

Reminds me of me.

[ Background noise ]

>> Martin, Matt, I want to sit.

>> Coming.

[ Music ]

>> Right there.

>> Do you feel that?

>> Yeah.

>> That's really cool.

>> It's nice, isn't it?

>> And they were married.

They lived happily ever after.

Are you okay?

>> Yeah.

Basically.

Yeah.

>> Listen, after class tonight, let me take you out to dinner.

>> Sure.

Sure.

You know what I'm in the mood for?

>> M-E-A-T.

>> How about a salad?

>> I've studied up on vegetables, so we'll have a lot to talk about.