Original subtitles

>> Who is it?

>> Me, Dad.

You got my key.

>> Hey, Jeremy.

>> Hey, Dad.

So, we're going to the movies?

>> No, you don't, I thought we'd hang out here tonight.

You know, I rented us a video.

>> Really?

>> An action classic.

>> Oh, cool.

>> Terminator.

Die hard.

>> What?

>> Stagecoach.

Come on, when's John Wayne?

You know, the juke.

>> Come on, Dad.

I mean, not another sucky old movie with nothing in it but dead guys.

>> So, it's all over, eh?

>> If you prefer, we can break out the old algebra books, you know, practice

our quadratic equations.

>> Stagecoach, huh?

>> Well, I'm back.

>> Okay, okay.

I'm making some popcorn and if you want, we can order out of-- >> Shit.

>> None for me, Dad.

>> Thank you.

>> Look at this.

>> What a mess.

What is that?

What is that, a bruise?

>> Uh, no.

>> Wow.

>> You, uh, you like it?

>> It's, it's, it's look so real.

>> That, that's because it is.

Real.

>> No, no, no, no, no, no.

>> Sorry.

>> The side of the beast.

>> Oh my God.

>> You still like it?

>> No, I don't like it.

That's a tattoo.

You have a goddamn tattoo on your arm.

Jeremy, what were you thinking?

>> Uh, I don't know.

You watch that movie-- >> Are you insane, huh?

Are you an insane person?

I mean, did I say you could do that?

>> We never said I couldn't.

>> And I never said don't knock your front teeth out with a hammer either.

I mean, Jesus Christ, Jeremy.

>> But it's the big deal.

It's my body, I can do whatever I want with it.

I was kind of thinking.

>> This is permanent.

You know what, it's not like a stupid

haircut or drawing on your shoe or something.

That skull is forever.

Do you have any idea what you've done?

>> Yeah.

>> No, you don't.

You've limited your career choices to long sermon or truck driver.

>> Or rockstar.

>> Don't get smart with me, young man.

>> It's me, Judah.

>> Does your mother know about this?

>> Uh, not really.

>> You think I'm mad just you wait.

Just you wait.

>> Hi, Jeremy left this in the car.

>> It's very nice.

Have you seen your son's Newark project?

Have you?

Go ahead, show her, Jeremy.

>> Go ahead.

>> Why?

>> Now, roll up that sleeve.

>> One of the real fireworks ain't a spider yet.

>> Well, you have a tattoo on your arm.

>> And it's a skull.

>> Mm-hmm, yes, yes it is.

>> Still kind of hurts.

>> Oh, well, I imagine it would.

>> What do you think of this, huh?

>> I'm surprised.

And, well, Jeremy, I have to say that I'm disappointed.

>> Okay, Mom, I understand.

>> Disappointed?

Disappointed is when he gets a C.

This is a fucking skull.

>> Martin, I don't think that kind of language is necessary.

>> My language, Judah?

Can I speak with you for a second?

>> You, on the couch.

What the hell was that?

>> Martin, will you please calm down?

>> Me, calm down?

You get angry.

What do you want, a sedation?

>> I am just as upset as you are.

>> No, no, no, no, you are not.

You are absolutely not.

Look, see, this is me.

This is you.

Me, you, me, you.

You see the difference?

>> Martin, there is a right way and a wrong way to handle this.

Now, if we could just sit down and talk to

him rationally... >> Fine, fine, come on.

Let's get to the wrong way.

>> Punishing him is not going to make it go away.

>> So that's it, huh?

He just gets away with it.

>> Well, I think that someday he'll come to regret this.

>> Why wait?

That day could be now.

>> You are out of control.

Martin, you can't let your anger cloud your better judgment.

>> Stop being a psychologist, okay?

Be a parent.

You think you could do that?

>> How dare you?

How dare you?

No, no, no, no, no, no.

I am not going to go down that road with you.

What's important here is that we go out there and present a united front.

>> Fine, fine.

Let's go.

Jeremy, your mother and I decided to ground you for a month.

>> That sucks.

>> We decided no such thing.

>> Go, Mom.

>> Back to the bedroom.

>> Not another peep out of you, young man.

>> Look, if you want to discuss this...

>> Judith, there's nothing to discuss.

He's grounded, okay?

It's done.

>> I don't think so.

Nothing is done until we both agree on it.

>> Okay, well, then come on.

Agree on it.

>> Oh, good.

You know, I am not even going to have this conversation with you until you

become a normal person.

Goodbye, Martin.

>> Judith!

Judith!

Let me just tell you something, okay?

Where the hell do you think you're going?

You're grounded.

>> Not at Mom's.

>> Now you know who's boss.

>> Who's the boss?

>> You are.

[Music]

>> Hey, who are you anyway?

Have you got anything by one of the old masters?

Where do you live?

[Music]

>> Huh.

It's true.

>> Toby, I need the yellow pages.

>> My hands are full.

Bottom drawer.

[Music]

>> What are you doing with my pencil sharpener?

>> What makes you think it's yours?

>> It has my name on it.

>> Maybe it's mine and I named it Martin.

>> Hey, Toby, come on.

>> What are you looking for?

>> The address of a tattoo, Paul.

>> Gee, I never would have pegged you for the tattoo type.

Were you going to get it on your hiney?

>> I'm not getting a tattoo.

Jeremy got one, and I'm going to kill the guy who gave it to him.

>> Yeah, sure.

Tattoos are big trouble.

My cousin Cecile got one once, a dainty little Rose just above a left bosom.

Flashed it at the cable guy when he came to hook her up.

He offered her a lifetime supply of Cinemax in exchange for 50 bucks and a

second look.

>> Really?

>> Very next day she got hit by a line drive at Yankee Stadium.

I still got the ball on my shelf at home.

>> What happened to Cecile?

>> Oh, she's fine.

>> Thanks for being there.

[Music]

>> This is the house of pain!

>> Okay, who runs this joint?

>> Oh, let me guess, a fire-breathing dragon on the left bicep.

>> Look, pal, my 14-year-old came in here without my permission, and

somebody put a fucking skull on his arm.

Was it you?

>> Well, geez, I don't know.

You know, we do a lot of skull kits here.

>> Yeah?

Is this one of them?

>> Oh, yeah, Dr. Bernstein.

Hey, look, his ID said he was 21.

>> Did it ever occur to you that maybe it was a fake ID?

>> Well, what am I, Jake and the Fat Man?

>> Okay, pal, come on.

Let's go.

Come on!

>> Hey, look, if you've got a problem, I want to talk to the boss.

>> Hey, Tony!

>> Yeah, yeah.

Bring me Tony.

>> You're... >> May I help you?

>> You're damn right you can help me.

You're looking at a big, fat lawsuit.

I'm going to shut this place down.

>> What seems to be the problem?

You're dissatisfied with your tattoo?

>> No, no, I'm dissatisfied with where you put it.

It's on my son.

He's a 14-year-old kid.

>> You think 14's too young?

>> Yes.

>> Yes, I do.

>> Well, you know, I was about that age when I got my first tattoo.

You want to see it?

It's really beautiful.

>> What I want to see is your business license.

>> Look, here's where he started.

God, I was so nervous.

But he's really gentle and experienced.

So I figured, what the hell?

>> Yes, well, I'll need the name of your attorney.

>> You really heard it first.

And there was even a little bit of blood.

But the further he got, the more I got into it.

>> I think we should keep this on our strictly legal basis.

>> I don't think I have anything to regret, do you?

>> Is that a regular garden snake?

>> There's more.

You want to see the apple?

>> Well, ow!

Fuck!

That hurts!

>> Well, you want a barracuda on your ass, it's going to hurt a little bit.

>> This has been a fascinating story, you know, but it doesn't get the

tattoo off my son's arm.

>> Is that all you wanted?

That's easy.

You just have it removed.

>> They can do that?

>> Just call this guy.

Here, tell him Tony sent you.

>> Thanks.

Just out of curiosity, where exactly is that apple?

Never mind.

>> Jude, I have very good news.

>> Oh, you've come to apologize?

>> I found a doctor who removes tattoos.

Now, they do it with lasers.

It's kind of expensive, but the good part is it's also pretty painful.

>> The sign of the beast.

>> What?

>> Jeremy, I know you're not going to like this, but I made an appointment

this afternoon to get the old skull taken off the old arm.

Okay, pal?

Come on, let's go.

>> No way.

>> Now, look, you're going to thank me for this someday.

>> Bullshit!

You can't make me.

>> We can't.

Yes, we can.

We're parents, okay?

That's what we do.

>> He's right.

>> Thank you.

Now, go get your coat.

>> No, Martin.

He's right.

>> Ow!

>> Excuse me?

>> Look, if he doesn't want to do it, you can't force him to.

>> There are two of us.

I'll bet we can.

>> Oh, Martin.

>> I cannot believe you're taking his side in this.

>> It's not his side.

It's my side.

He just happens to be on it.

>> Two against one, Dad.

>> Majority rules.

>> No, no, no, no.

No.

>> He does not rule.

Sometimes I rule.

Now, get your ass out that door.

We're going to the doctor.

>> God, Dad.

Now, I know why she divorced you.

>> Jeremy.

>> Happy?

>> He sits there alone.

A pitiable object.

>> Hey, hey.

We got super dogs.

We got macho nachos.

We got popcorn.

A small.

We got beer.

A large.

Are we set or what?

Ready to go?

What?

Come on.

This game's a blowout.

Man, it's 14 to 10.

You were really messed up.

Eat something.

>> Jeremy loves nachos.

>> Oh, give it a rest.

>> I'm sorry, but it's not so easy having a son who hates you.

>> Yeah, well, look on the bright side.

If he didn't hate you, I'd be watching this game at home.

>> It's very comforting.

>> Yeah, you think you can manage to piss him off through playoffs?

Just a thought.

>> It was so much easier when he was little.

>> You know what?

I remember when he was three years old, he'd do anything I said.

You know, if I told him to eat his carrots

or quack like a duck, he'd just do it.

No questions asked.

Uh-huh.

Now if I told him to quack like a duck, he'd probably just... [screams]

Just to spite me.

>> I'm sorry.

I wasn't listening.

>> Now, why do you want him to quack?

>> I don't want him to... Look, I'm just trying to do what's best for him.

You know, I mean, what's wrong with that?

>> Well, maybe you're being an asshole.

>> What?

>> Look, I'm not saying, I'm just saying from a fourteen-year-old's point of

view, you're being a big asshole.

A big dick.

>> I liked it better when you weren't listening.

>> Look, I'm just saying maybe you should just lighten up on him.

>> Why? Why should I?

>> Well, would you rather have a son who loves you with a tattoo or a son

who hates you also with a tattoo?

>> Yes! Yes!

>> You know, he's right.

>> Well, what do you think? That's great, huh?

>> When we spoke last week, you said

you weren't going to get any more tattoos.

>> I didn't. It's the same tattoo. Just, um, I wasn't finished.

>> What are you talking about?

>> I mean, you can't have a skull without roses. It doesn't make sense.

>> Oh my God! Oh my God, it's your father. He's going to kill me.

>> Don't worry, Mom. I'll back you up.

>> I'm having a craving. Go get me a cupcake. Quick! Quick! Quick! Quick!

Quick!

Quick! Quick! Quick! Quick!

>> Hi.

>> Now is not a good time.

>> No, I just wanted-- >> No, no, not now.

I'm nauseous. You know, baby nauseous.

>> Listen, just take one minute.

>> June, I've been doing a lot of thinking, you know, and I realize I've

handled things very, very badly.

>> Oh, well, you know, everyone makes mistakes.

>> But being a hard ass didn't accomplish anything, you know. I mean, Jeremy

hates me and I'm fighting with you and I just think a lot of it's my fault.

>> Oh, let's not get into the business of assigning blame. I mean, you and I

both had Jeremy's best interests in mind.

>> I know, I know, but maybe I can try not to be such a dick maniac.

>> Good, good. Listen, the other day you mentioned something about having

the tattoo removed.

>> Why? Why? Did Jeremy decide to do it?

>> Oh, well, we're going to have a little talk about that. I mean, just how

difficult would that be?

>> It sounded easy. They can get rid of any

tattoo. As long as there's no red in it.

>> Baby kicked. You know, I really must be getting to bed.

>> Hi.

>> Did mom tell you about my--

>> What are you doing with that? And you know our rules about snacking. Just

go put it away. Go on.

>> Hang on, hang on. I brought a present for my number one son.

>> What's this? What is this? What the hell is this?

>> It's my tattoo.

>> That is not your tattoo. Your tattoo is a skull. This is a skull in a

flower shop. A red flower shop.

>> It wasn't finished.

>> Oh, really? What's next? Some red headed

customers? Maybe a big red delivery truck?

>> All right, Martin, let's not get excited.

>> You deliberately did this to piss

me off. And you, this is only your fault.

>> I thought we weren't going to assign Blaine.

>> That was back when I thought it was my fault. You see what happens when

you let him run wild? Like some kind of savage?

>> Well, you just put this down. I mean, if you hadn't grounded him, then he

wouldn't have felt the need to rebel.

>> If we had grounded him, he wouldn't have been able to.

>> Yeah, well, if you had--

>> Hey! You guys are so conceited. Look, I didn't do this because of you.

And I didn't do this because of you.

I got a tattoo because I won a one, okay? I got it for me. Okay? For me.

>> And who the hell are you?

>> Yeah. You're not the one who makes the rules around here. We are.

>> You guys are so bait. You got to act like the worst kid in the world. So

I got a tattoo. So what?

You should feel lucky. I could be stealing stuff. You're shooting up drugs.

>> Yeah, and we could be beating you with

chains. So I guess everybody's lucky, huh?

>> Yeah, yeah. So just go to your room while we figure out what we're going

to do with you.

>> Yeah. I'm 14. You can't send me to my room.

>> Fine. Fine. We'll go to your room.

>> No. No, no way. Not going to my room. I'll go to my room.

>> Jesus.

>> You're telling me.

>> Let me ask you something. Do you like him?

>> What do you mean?

>> Well, I know you love him and all, but do you like him?

>> No. No, not right now I don't.

>> Me neither. It's probably just a phase. I mean, he'll grow out of it.

>> What if he doesn't?

>> What?

>> What if he turns into...

>> Satan!

>> Billy Lepkey.

>> Oh, come on. Billy Lepkey was a prick.

>> So? I mean, he wasn't born a prick. You had to start sometime. I mean,

maybe this is just who Jeremy's going to be.

>> Oh, my God.

>> I don't know. I don't know. You know, I

always hoped he'd grow up to be me. Or you.

>> Or at least not Billy Lepkey.

>> No, no, no, no. I'm sure that this is just a phase. I mean, he's most

likely going through the Ericksonian stage.

You know, where he's dealing with identity versus diffusion. Really.

>> Yeah.

>> Yeah, yeah. That's probably it.

>> So why doesn't he want us in his room?

>> Yeah. What's that all about?

>> Johnny!

>> Johnny!

>> Be careful!