Original subtitles

>> Yeah, yeah, we're on 41, so according to this map,

we should be there in like an inch and a half.

>> Man, I am so stoked.

I mean, how cool is this?

>> Yeah, it's gonna be great seeing the old gang again, huh?

>> What, what?

>> Kevin, the beaded curtain is still there

and all of Herb's driftwood sculptures.

>> You want a fry?

No, and will you watch the leather?

>> Well, will you relax?

It's a French fry, not a blowtorch.

>> Don't ask, I'm huge.

I look like the underdog balloon from the Macy's parade.

>> Shit.

What?

What happened?

>> Nothing.

I thought I saw a moose.

>> Judith, would you mind?

This is costing me three bucks a minute.

>> Good news for you, Martin.

Allison called.

She's not gonna make it.

>> That's wonderful.

>> I don't have a problem with Allison.

>> I don't know.

Ever since somebody beat somebody out for that scholarship.

>> Judith, aren't you talking on the phone?

>> Oh, hi.

Sorry.

>> Man, we could have flown there for what this call has cost to me.

>> All right, all right.

I gotta go.

I can't wait to see you.

>> Okay.

Guess who's there.

[ Music ]

>> I give up.

>> Cara Prescott.

>> Oh, man.

Who invited her?

>> I thought you liked Cara.

>> You liked her eight times in one night.

Never called her again.

>> Well, then you two should have a lot of catching up to do.

>> Man.

You know, I think I will have some of those fries.

Uh... Finish them.

[ Music ]

>> Don't worry about it, okay?

Just let me hear it.

>> Oh, God.

>> Just like that.

>> Oh, Jude.

>> Hey.

>> Hey.

>> Oh, God, I hate you.

You even look thin pregnant.

>> Oh, Becca, come on.

I look like Alfred Hitchcock.

I don't even want to hear it.

Hey.

>> Hey, Becca.

>> Hey, man.

>> Herbert!

Hey, Mr. Irv.

I hardly recognized you.

[ Coughing ]

>> The living fossil.

Immune to the forces of evolution.

>> So, where's Sue?

>> What do you mean?

She's in her room, right?

>> I don't know.

We just got here.

>> Oh, man.

Don't freak me out.

Sue?

>> Scary.

>> Mark!

>> Hey, Martin.

Hi, Jude.

>> Hi, Mark.

Where's Janet?

>> Janet.

Janet couldn't make it.

Actually, she's on her honeymoon.

Oh, that's too bad.

>> Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

>> No, no, no, no.

Hey, it all worked out.

I mean, all she got was the house, the money, and the dogs,

and I could spend the weekend with you guys.

>> Oh, thanks.

Well, you got some wood stuff on your chest.

>> It's okay.

I got more chopping to do.

>> Well, chop away.

>> Chop away.

>> What?

>> Holy shit.

Look who's here.

Judith!

>> Kara.

>> Oh, God, Kara's here.

I'm not ready for this.

>> You bitch.

The last time I saw you, you were knocked up.

>> Yeah, yeah, I know.

And you, of course, look great.

Give me a hug.

>> Hey, Martin.

>> Hey.

>> Did you miss me?

Come on, lie.

>> Okay, yeah.

>> You were a bad liar.

>> And the famous Eddie Charles.

I heard you were coming.

>> Yep.

I'm here.

>> Well, it's great to meet you.

I love your show.

>> Thanks.

Nice to meet you, too.

>> So where did you say herb sculptures are?

>> We put them in your room.

>> Lovely.

>> Come on.

>> You're even uglier than you remember.

>> She's fucking with me.

Did you see that?

She's fucking with me.

I see this ending very badly.

Who bought all the pot pie?

Herb.

>> Sue, honey, have you seen my bandana?

>> That one?

>> Huh.

>> There.

Did you feel that kick?

>> It's just so amazing to me that there's actually a baby in there.

Now, how does this happen again?

>> Oh, the personal touch.

>> Hey, that's probably Allison.

>> No, no, no.

Allison isn't coming.

>> You wish.

She called.

She got a later flight.

>> Hey, you're not coming.

>> Great.

>> Martin, try to control yourself.

>> Yeah, we don't want a repeat of what happened at Herb and Sue's wedding.

>> What?

Come on.

She started it, you know.

Besides, I'm fine.

I'm fine, see?

>> Hi!

>> Oh, Allison's here.

>> Hey, you two of us.

>> All right, Sue.

Hey, you.

I got stuck at LAX for two and a half hours.

But look, cheap plastic gifts from the airport.

Oh, yeah.

>> I fucking love these things.

>> Allison, it's really good to see you again.

You look great.

And congratulations on the new book.

I'm really looking forward to reading it.

>> Whoa.

Martin, is that you?

I almost didn't recognize you through all that bullshit.

>> Oh, right on.

>> I see this ending very badly.

>> I'm not going on.

>> No, no, no, no.

No.

I would not call it cheating.

Herb and I, we have an oath of error.

I screw around.

And he doesn't find out about it.

>> What's wrong with that?

>> Oh, God, I could never do it bad.

I mean, I couldn't.

>> But you could have used marriage to Herb.

>> Who here slept with Joe Del Vecchio?

You mean, crooked Joe Del Vecchio?

>> I tried, okay?

But he was like, hello, what's happening?

>> Wait, just a minute.

What do you mean?

>> Oh, he kind of veered to the left, you know?

>> No, actually, I don't know.

I've really only seen two, and they were

both pretty much straight down the middle.

>> Two?

That's it?

Just two?

>> God, that's not even the most I've seen at one time.

>> Oh, wow.

>> And Judith, you have not lived.

>> I've lived plenty.

>> So tell us, Jude, who's bigger, Richard or Martha?

>> I'm not sure.

>> What do you think they're talking about?

>> There's probably some sale at Bergdorf's or something.

>> Look at Allison, look at her.

Sitting there drinking that beer like the Queen of England.

>> Oh, geez, Mark, give it a rest.

>> Yeah, man.

You live in the present.

>> It's not me, it's Herb.

Ever since she won that scholarship, she thinks she's hot shit.

>> Hey, let it go, babe.

>> I have let it go.

That's my point.

She can't let it go.

>> Jesus, Martin.

>> I'm wrong.

Tell me.

Tell me I'm wrong.

>> Okay.

>> You're wrong.

>> Oh, shit, Kara's coming.

But tell me, you're talking to me.

Come on, come on, come on.

And then what happened?

Oh, Kara.

>> Excuse me.

>> So what were you guys talking about?

>> Fix.

>> That's one subject I do not care to discuss.

>> I'm just going to go air my meatballs.

>> Excuse me.

>> Yeah, me too.

>> Okay, I'm sorry.

I was young, I was an asshole.

There's no excuse for what I did.

>> Eddie, what are you talking about?

>> You know, the fruit cup that you had in the fridge on the top shelf by

the milk in the back?

Well, I ate it.

>> I didn't have any fruit cups.

>> Oh, thank God.

It's been bothering me all night.

I thought for sure you were going to be upset.

>> Not at all.

>> So have you seen the lake yet?

Sorry about your book review in the Entertainment Weekly.

Eddie, huh?

It's not too good.

>> Well, I don't really listen to the reviews, although I hear that the New

York Times really liked it.

A knife toward the plate.

>> Still, I think it would really get to me if someone referred to my work

as feminist waddle.

>> Your work?

>> You put two spoons in.

>> Your work?

What work is that?

Editing other people's trashy novels?

>> You're going to let her get away with that kind of talk?

>> You don't have to be a chicken to judge the quality of the eggs.

>> What the fuck does that mean?

>> Done.

>> Martin, this isn't a race.

>> Of course not.

But if it were, I would have won.

>> Someone, we need more firewood.

>> I'll get it.

>> I'm down now.

>> Loader first, minus over second.

Bonnie Lassie third, running easily.

Cactus coming up on the inside.

Ooh, and a rider's down on the ground.

>> You tripped me.

>> I didn't trip you.

There was a root.

>> Yeah, a root in the shape of your foot.

>> All right, Martin, what is your problem?

Why are you always like this?

>> Like what?

>> Oh, hostile, competitive, take your pick.

What is it?

Is it just that you want to fuck me?

>> What?

I don't want to fuck you.

>> Oh, please, you wanted to fuck me since sophomore English.

>> No, no, no, I wanted to kill you since sophomore English.

You're the last person I'd want to fuck.

Oh, maybe next to last.

>> You mean to tell me that if you knew

you could have me right here, right now,

you wouldn't be interested?

>> Not even a little.

Well, maybe a little.

Would you like to do this inside?

>> Uh-huh.

>> There's a snake in the back door.

>> Well, it's bedtime for Kara.

Good night, all.

Sleep tight.

>> Oh, boy am I beat.

Big day tomorrow.

Good night, all.

>> Settle, Eddie.

>> Yeah, it's nice.

I really should go to bed.

>> Oh, okay.

>> Oh, it's really chilly when you get away from the fire.

>> I've got just the thing.

>> Good night, Julie.

>> Big moon, stay away from my window.

I don't want to see you tonight.

Big moon, you're just making me lonesome.

Wishing he was holding me tight.

My baby's moved out and I'm in misery.

So don't you come shining your light on me.

Big moon, you're just making me lonesome.

I don't know why you said big, but Mary's wrong too.

I hope that I'm feeling so dark on you.

I'm wondering if I'm all you've made.

It's impossible to walk and just to see you all alone.

I see you're been freezing off with time.

[ Music ]

>> Great, great.

>> I win.

>> Listen, I have a question.

Back in school, did you ever do anything really mean to me behind my back?

>> Well, I sort of used to write your name and number on the bathroom walls

around school and all over Manhattan and once in Florida.

>> Well, that explains a lot.

>> It's really juvenile.

I'm sorry.

>> That's okay.

I have one for you.

>> What did you do?

>> I'm going to enter your application for the Paris scholarship.

Well, I stole it off of Professor Brennan's desk before he could send it in.

I know, I know.

It was really a stupid and petty thing

to do, unbelievably stupid, and I'm sorry.

It's been sitting in a box haunting me all of these years.

So, here.

Do you hate me?

>> Yes, a lot.

I hate you a lot.

How could you fucking do this to me?

>> Look, I was a kid.

I wanted that scholarship so badly.

I didn't want to take any chances.

>> That's because you knew I would have won.

This is my diner story with a great soup paragraph.

It was a million times better than that

thing you wrote about your menstrual cycle.

>> Oh, now that's debatable.

>> The hell it is.

The hell it is, I would have won.

I would have gone to Paris.

I would have won something very much like it.

>> Martin, I'm sorry.

>> I don't want to hear it.

You stole my fucking life.

What else do you want?

Do you want my wallet?

My credit cards?

Here, go on, take them.

Pick it all.

[ Music ]

>> It's one thing to mow for chance when you get it, but it's another thing.

I never do have a chance.

>> This is fun.

>> I got you.

>> It's so bad.

>> I think you missed a spot.

>> No, you didn't miss a spot.

You've been doing that for 20 minutes.

You'd be safe in a nuclear reactor.

>> Somebody had a bowl of cranky flakes for breakfast.

>> Can you see Mark?

>> No.

>> I just found the salamander.

You remember that summer with me and Mark and the salamander?

You know the one we kept in the cereal box?

>> Well, anyway, I just thought I'd show him to Mark.

>> What are you doing?

>> I'm showing him the salamander.

>> No, no, no.

What are you doing?

You're flirting.

>> I'm not flirting.

It's a lizard.

>> Judith, I know you.

You're bouncing up and down.

You're playing with your pearls.

This is you, flirting.

>> Well, that's ridiculous.

I am a pregnant married person.

I am not flirting.

Mark.

Oh, Mark.

>> Middle age and glandular deficiency.

>> Mark, look what I've got.

I just wanted to show you.

>> What?

>> I just wanted you to see this.

>> What the -- >> No!

>> How do you like it?

>> Fuck you.

>> Some women are as sensitive as a stratovarius.

Incorrectly played, the finest instrument will give forth screeching sound.

>> Fucking hark.

>> Dude.

>> Fuck.

>> What's the matter?

>> He's up there having sex with Becca.

>> So?

>> Forget it.

>> Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

What's going on here?

Do you really want to have sex with him?

>> That's not the point.

I mean, I couldn't even if I wanted to.

For you people.

You can just come up here and jump into bed with anybody you please.

But not me.

Oh, no, not Judith.

Not the big, fat, pregnant, married one.

>> Mosquito.

>> Martin, the last time we were up here, I had my whole life ahead of me.

I had all these exciting choices and options.

Now my most exciting choice is whether to use cloth diapers or disposable.

>> Come on.

You have everything you ever wanted.

You have a great career.

You have a terrific kid.

>> Yeah, yeah, I know.

And another one on the way and a fabulous husband and all this money.

>> What?

What?

What's the problem?

>> Two penises.

>> Excuse me?

>> My whole life I've only had two penises

and that's all I'm ever going to have.

>> Oh.

>> Two heads are always better than one.

>> Jude, I mean, what?

Would you trade everything you have for another penis or two?

>> I guess not.

>> Look, if it'll make you feel any better,

I can always ask Eddie to show you his.

>> I don't think so.

Thanks anyway.

Big one.

>> Famous person, famous person.

>> Boy or girl famous person?

>> Famous person with arthritis.

>> It's a woman with grass, right?

Go on, go on.

>> What's he doing?

>> Penis.

>> Famous masseuse.

>> Typist.

>> Writer.

>> Writer.

>> Book writer.

>> Book writer.

>> Not a book writer.

>> Horio Steinham.

>> Pearl Buck.

>> Pearl Buck.

>> Stab in the back.

>> She's stubbing your hands.

>> She's doing me, you guys.

Jesus Christ, Martin, give it a rest.

>> Oh, I see.

You steal my life and I'm supposed to give it a rest.

>> I didn't steal your fucking life.

I'm sorry.

But let's be honest, Martin, if you were really such a great writer.

>> If, if, what do you mean if?

I was.

>> Oh, bullshit.

>> Oh, yeah?

Yeah, you want to hear something?

All right.

You want to hear something great?

Listen to this.

"Coffee to Go" by M.L. Tupper.

The antiquated gerbil-faced creature beside me.

Jed, hungry from the inside out, stretched his long shriveled reptilian limb

across me.

Just wait, wait, okay?

It gets better.

>> Okay, did Jed say that?

>> No, you idiot.

I said that.

Okay, okay, wait.

Here's the soup paragraph.

>> I'll cut him deep and let him bleed.

>> The soup.

Blander than a comatose patient at Mount Sinai.

Burnt my already blizzard-blistered lips.

I reached for the bitter white grains of which Lot's wife was made.

Well, it's salt.

Get it?

Come on.

Lot's wife.

Hey, hey, come on, you guys.

I liked it.

Just read on.

>> Thank you, Judith.

Lot's wife was made.

That awake in my mouth, hoping to stir life into the red breathing mass I

call my tongue.

[laughter]

>> Hey!

>> My poor composition.

I worked too hard on it.

And now it's in ashes.

[music]

Just what the doctor ordered.

[music]

[music]

>> Martin, I just wanted to say goodbye.

>> You're incredible.

>> Oh, Martin, please don't start.

I said I was sorry.

>> No, no, you are.

You're incredible.

I mean, this book, you know, it's great.

>> Really?

You know, you may not believe this, but

your opinion, it really means a lot to me.

[music]

>> Was that the red breathing mass you call your tongue?

>> Go on home.

You've seen it all.

>> Bye-bye.

Good to see you.

>> Bye.

>> Take care.

>> Bye, Allison.

Call me.

>> Well, it was great to see you again.

>> Yeah, you too.

And, you know, I wish you all the best with Mark.

>> Oh, well, I think that was just a weekend thing.

>> Oh, really?

Why is that?

>> Well, he's nice and everything, you know, but he's just sort of well.

>> You mean -- >> And you're in that rocking chair.

>> Bye-bye now.

Have a nice flight.

All right.

>> Wow.

Amazing.

You're really okay with her after everything she did to you?

>> I'm fine.

Really.

You know what?

I swiped her plane ticket.

>> Oh, my God.

>> Thank you for a great weekend.

I'll give you a little wrinkle when I get back.

>> Wrinkle.

You're the wrinkle guy.

I remember you now, you fuck.

You're not going to call me back.

>> Get in the car.

>> You're not.

>> Get in the car.

>> If there's anything more exhausting than a quiet country weekend.