Original subtitles

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[Gene] The French toast is exquisite today.

- Your father made it. - You made it?

It's so good I assumed it was frozen.

Uh, thank you?

So, have you thought any more about the contest, Dad?

Ready to change your maybe to a yes?

Here's the flyer for it again in case

you need to refresh your memory.

I'm familiar with the flyer, Louise.

You taped it to my face after I fell asleep last night.

- Yes. - And I don't think you're supposed to take things off

the community center bulletin board.

How else do you expect me to get a fun

senior water aerobics poster?

There are no good ones on eBay.

Have you even read the flyer, Dad?

- Yeah. - Read it again. Here we go.

[moans] "Come enter the Father-Daughter

"Boogie Board Battle for a fun day in the sun,

hosted by Little Squirts Surf Shirts."

And it says first prize is a hundred bucks.

That's a lot of cheddar. "Cheddar" means money, right?

- On the streets? - [Linda] Yeah, sure, Tina.

Too bad it's only for 12 and under.

I'd get'er that cheddar.

It also says everyone who enters gets

a free Little Squirts Surf Shirt.

Better be a new one, before it gets any squirts on it.

Uh, but we don't have boogie boards, so-

Well, the flyer says they have loaners.

- Oh. - Come on. You, me, next weekend

and a hundred smackers that we split.

Or you just give it all to me because it's kind of weird

- to split money with a child. - Hmm.

And didn't Mom say you actually used to be good

- at boogie boarding, somehow? - He was.

How? Was your body different then?

- Or was water different? - Actually, your father's got

- the perfect body for boogie boarding. - Thank you, Linda.

He's very buoyant. Like a seal.

How come we've never seen you do it?

[muffled grunting]

Well, uh, we opened the restaurant,

and then, uh, we had kids,

and I guess life happened.

- But did it, though, for you? - Louise...

I mean, there was also that other thing

- that happened. - [Gene] What thing?

World War II? I'm not sure how old you guys are.

I think what your mom's referring to is, one time,

- I had a pretty vicious wipeout. - He had a little incident-

- Little incident? I almost drowned. - Drowned?

You were in six inches of water.

Yeah, deadly inches.

I saw that, Lin. You just shook your head.

No, I didn't. What's that over there?

- [Tina] Hmm? - Linda, I didn't even look where you were pointing.

I did. What did I miss?

Honey, I believe you believe it was scary.

It was. It...

Everyone, it was. You know what?

- I-I'm not talking about it anymore. - Good.

Well, what do you say, ready to get back on the board?

Win a hundred bucks? And my love?

- Um... - Yeah?

- All right, yes. Okay, fine. - Ho, ho, yes.

- Hmm. - Good choice, good choice.

It's the triumphant return to the ocean

for the voluptuous Seal-Man.

[Teddy moans] I love eating.

- We know you do. - Did I say that out loud?

- Y-You did. - So, your birthday's this weekend.

And remember what you said last year.

So what'd you end up doing for your birthday, Teddy?

- Well, I had that root canal, and on my way home... - Uh-huh.

...I noticed my tires were a little low...

- Uh-huh. - ...so I went and filled them up.

- Aw. - Then I remembered I was out of coffee filters

- and toilet paper... - [sighs]

- ...so I swing by the store- - Enough, enough!

Teddy, I can't take this anymore.

Every year, it gets sadder and sadder.

I'm sorry, I'm-I'm just not a big birthday person.

Listen, you. Either next year

you do something nice for your birthday

or I will make you.

Are you threatening me, Linda?

Promise me, Teddy.

- Promise me. - Okay, okay, I promise.

So, what you doing this year? It better be good.

You gonna do something with Kathleen?

Eh, she's in Ireland for a family reunion.

Dang it.

They're having it in a town called Dingle.

I said, "So you're gonna be a bunch of Dingle-lings?"

She didn't text me back.

Okay, Teddy, a promise is a promise.

We're doing it here, birthday party at the restaurant.

We're gonna have cupcakes and a candle

and maybe we'll play some party games.

Lin, too much. Grown man.

Okay, maybe just one round of the limbo.

- Lin... - Fine, maybe no games.

But yes, party. You hear me?

Okay, okay.

[phone ringing]

- Bob's Burgers. - We got to cancel the birthday thing.

- What? - I'm going to a funeral.

- What? - Vernon, the guy who owns the place

that rents out jackhammers and stuff to contractors?

Ow! Just cut myself shaving.

Anyway, he died. Heart attack.

And the service is today at Mort's.

Oh, no. That's awful.

- Yeah. - Well, maybe we can do your birthday

- after the service? - Eh...

I-I won't be in the mood to celebrate anything.

I don't know why, but funerals make me sad.

Maybe it's 'cause my dad died at a funeral.

Next year, though. I-I promise.

- But what if- - Oh, boy. Sorry Linda, I-I got to go.

- Lot of blood here. Oh. [shouts] - We could, we could do- Ugh.

Whoa. That's too much sunscreen.

Uh, it-it feels like a lot.

- Teddy's canceling his party. - I heard.

Uh, sorry you can't do the party you were making him have.

Aw, poop. I got the cupcakes from Devondorf's.

- Ooh. - Well, we can still eat them.

The cupcakes don't know it's not our birthday.

- Eh... - Anyway, we have a contest to win.

- Bye. - [Tina] Bye.

Here's the first wave for you to catch.

Get it? [chuckles]

I do. Thank you, Tina.

You know, we probably should have practiced a little,

- boogie boarding. - [laughs] Since when are we

a "practice things" type of family?

Besides, if you were good at boogie boarding,

- how hard can it be? - Well, that's-

[Louise] Look at driftwood. It's doing it.

Is it... did it practice that?

[Bob] Hmm, I mean, it's not really the same.

What, you think you're better than driftwood?

Most of it.

- Sure there're a few pieces that are- - All right.

Let's go pick out a board. I can't with you.

Look at these conditions.

Beautiful, huge waves.

Just in time for the Little Squirts Surf Shirts

Father-Daughter Boogie Board Battle.

Oh, geez.

Come on, Dad. Let's boogie, baby!

Oh, boy.

[Louise] Okay, which one of you bad boys

is gonna win me a hundred bucks?

[high-pitched] Me, me. [low-pitched] Me, me.

[regular pitch] Okay, everyone settle down.

Hey, uh, I'm just gonna go talk to the lifeguard real quick.

Trash-talk him? Kind of weird to do it to the lifeguard,

but yeah, whatever pumps you up. You want me to come?

No, I... I-I got it.

Uh, hi. How ya doing? I was just wondering if-

Is someone taking into account how big these waves are?

Yes. Don't worry.

The ocean is perfectly safe today for you and your child.

Okay, but are you sure?

I mean, you're seeing those waves, right?

Yes. I see the ocean.

Notice how my big chair is pointed right at it?

- I see it at all times. - But what about that wave?

I mean, look-look at that one.

Okay, not that one, but, uh, there.

- That one. Right? - Yeah.

Uh, okay, so, that one... that one died down, too.

- Mm-hmm. - Uh, hold on, just-

'Cause another big one is coming any sec.

I can't wait.

Hey, Louise. I didn't know you boogie-ed the boards.

I'm gonna boogie this board.

Did you bring a dad, or are you gonna get a loaner?

Uh, no. My dad's here.

He's talking to the announcer guy.

- He's trying to pitch him a jingle. - Is that a euphemism?

? Dum-dum-dum, who's the shirt that's full of squirts? ?

? Da-da-da, da, makes all the jellyfish go berserk. ?

- Oh, hi, Mr. B. - Oh, hi, Courtney.

- Break a leg out there. - Wha-What?

It's just an expression.

- God. [laughs] - Oh. Right.

Uh, seems like we have a little time before the contest starts.

Should we jump in so I can master this sport real quick?

Yup. Yup.

Dah. Poor, dumb, old, dead equipment rental guy

and his lousy timing.

Sorry, but- Ugh. Teddy's never gonna celebrate his birthday.

- Hey, there's always next year, right? - Yeah.

Teddy's friends aren't always gonna die on his birthday.

And if they do, we should probably move.

So, is anyone else thinking it's weird

that we haven't eaten those cupcakes yet?

- Ease into it, Gene. - Too soon.

It's what Teddy would have wanted.

So, yeah. Wait for the wave to pick up the back of the board

and then kick like crazy.

Uh, here's one.

- Fun, right? - Yeah.

If you like very slow rides that only go six feet.

Oh, well, uh, yeah.

Dad, everyone is out there.

- Why are we here? - Uh, you know the old saying.

"Water white? Doing all right.

Water... curl? Uh, get out of there, girl."

- No, I've never heard that. - Well, it's an old saying.

- And you're young. - Really? Who said it?

Uh, Mark Twain. You know him?

- Never heard of him. - He's a famous writer.

About surfing?

Some of it, yeah. On the Mississippi.

But those waves are bigger. I'm no oceanologist,

but wouldn't big waves make you go farther and win the contest?

Uh, well, I mean, some people might say that.

But others would say,

"Wave too big, don't dance that jig."

- Mark Twain again? - No, that's, uh... Jamiroquai.

Dad, where's the golden-boy boogie-boarder from yesteryear?

'Cause I'd love to meet him.

[gasping loudly]

[Louise] Come on, Dad!

Boogie your butt on out here!

Oh, boy.

[Gene] Mom, the birthday party is gone.

But the cupcakes are here, alive and well, and so are we.

Gene's right. It's time to kill those cupcakes.

With-with our mouths.

All right. Fine.

Yay!

[entry bells jingling]

- Oh, uh, hold off on the cupcakes. - Damn it!

Oh, hey, Teddy. You're here... with some people.

Yeah. Handymen and handywoman.

I'm Joyce, the handyma'am.

Ha. I love it. Aw, but sorry about your friend.

Linda, you remember Glenn, and this is Lou.

- Hi, Lou. - Hello.

So, did Teddy tell you it's his bir-

Uh, we're just here to have a beer and talk about Vernon.

- That's all. - Okay. Okay.

[sniffles] I didn't think I was gonna get so broken up.

Yeah, you cried loudly at the service.

- Super loud. - Aw.

Hey, this round's on the house.

Some beer for your tears.

And... maybe some fries for your cries?

Oh, okay. Yeah, sounds good.

- Lots of fries. - Kids, uh, give me a hand.

[whispering] Secret meeting.

[whispering] Mom forgot how to use the fryer.

[whispering] So embarrassing.

Listen, I think we can work with this.

Teddy and his friends will talk about Vernon,

they'll get sick of that, and then they'll be ready

to move on to something a little more fun.

Are you sure that's what they-

Tina, you are this close to not being invited to the party.

- Got it. Got it. - Aah!

- Not yet. - But soon.

Louise, are you sure

you don't want to go back to where we were?

Loserville? No.

Ooh, look at this one! Let's catch it.

No, that- It looks pretty big.

- Let's duck under it. - Ugh.

- [panting] - Ah, come on.

We should have taken it!

No, that-that wave was, um,

- gross. - Gross?

Yeah. Squishy and gross.

Those are technical terms. Uh, you'll learn it all later.

Oh, ho, ho, here comes another good one!

- Louise, I don't think- - I'm going for it!

- No, no, no. No! - Yes, yes, yes.

[whooping]

That was amazing.

Dad, did you see me?!

Yeah. G-Good, uh, job with it.

Why didn't you tell me

that oceans are like free roller coasters,

and not just big, stinky, wet places where fish pee?

Oh, you know, Louise, they also poop.

There's less poop closer to shore.

It's the-the jet stream, I think, so-

Okay, why are you being so weird?

Weird? I'm not being weird.

Is this about your incident or accident

or whatever Mom was talking about?

- I mean- - Just tell me what happened.

Okay. Okay. Uh, it was a big wave day, like today.

I had a bunch of really good rides,

and then, this huge wave just

rolled me and pounded me against the sand.

And I-I couldn't get up. I... I-I couldn't get my head up.

- [gasping] - A lifeguard had to pull me out.

- [Louise] Oh. - [Bob] And when he dragged me onto the beach,

I realized

the wave had completely pulled my bathing suit down.

- What's that? - It's a penis.

- No, it's not. - Don't look at me!

Wait, but didn't Mom say you were in, like,

six inches of water?

Ugh. Yes, she loves to point that out,

but it doesn't matter if it's six feet or six inches.

When a wave is pounding you, you don't even know

which way is up or if you're ever gonna breathe again.

Oh.

But, uh, that was just, like, one time.

And, you know, I didn't die.

As you can see.

Right here. Hello. So,

I'm sure everything will go fine today,

and we will also not die.

So, uh, go team?

Heads up, boogie boys and girls.

The contest is about to kick off, and lucky us,

these waves just keep getting

bigger and bigger.

Yeah. Lucky us. [chuckles nervously]

- Whee! - I think we're

the cutest ones here.

So, you ready? Uh, how-how you feeling?

Oh, you mean after the worst pep talk ever?

Yeah, that-that was bad. I'm sorry about that.

"Hey, we're competing in this thing,

"here's a graphic story about how I almost drowned doing it,

but, uh, have fun, sport."

I didn't call you "sport."

Could-could we just pretend like I never said anything?

Like you had to do with Gene after you guys had the sex talk?

What? No...!

Yes, like that.

You know what? I'm fine. I can do this.

Plus, it's a hundred bucks if we win,

which we will because I'm incredible at this.

[announcer] All right guys,

here's how the contest is gonna work:

You've all been assigned to groups.

Heat one, heat two and heat three.

You're gonna ride a wave, then wait on the beach

till we call your heat again.

We're gonna do that three times.

Our judges will be awarding points

for longest distance, technical form,

and boogiest boarding.

Thanks for ordering all these big waves, Daddy.

Just kidding. I know they're from a storm

or the Moon or something.

[laughs] Good.

I need you to focus, okay, Court?

[Glenn] And remember when Vernon started

charging more for the 36-inch trencher

than he did for the 48-inch trencher?

Yes, I noticed that and asked him, what gives?

And he said more people want the 36.

- More people want the 36. - More people want the 36.

- [laughter] - Listen to that.

They're coming out of it. The energy is picking up,

the mood is shifting. I think we're good to go.

Uh, I don't know.

Gene, go hold the door open, watch for my signal.

Then you signal Tina. Tina, you go light the candle

and bring the cupcakes out, okay?

I don't like my job.

I feel like I should bring the cupcakes out.

No, do it like I said.

You're not good with lighters.

They should make lighters that are easier for kids.

Kid lighters.

Shh, get in position.

I also have party hats and noisemakers,

but let's wait and see on those, okay?

Ah, that was a nice service.

Very nice.

- The exact right length. - [Joyce] Yup.

- [lighter clicks] - [Lou] But his poor wife,

- she's all alone now. - [Teddy] Right.

- [Tina blows out candle] - [Teddy] Yeah, she did say something about

taking a cruise later this year.

[Lou] Oh. Well, that's nice.

- [lighter clicks] - [Joyce] Yeah, well, it was

the cruise they were supposed to take together.

[Glenn] Their 50th anniversary cruise.

- [Teddy] Yeah... - [Tina] Damn it. [blows]

Okay, Linda. Let's turn this around.

Ah, life. Huh? Am I right?

- Yeah. - Yup.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Speaking of life, uh,

today's Teddy's birthday.

Eh...

- You don't say. - [Glenn] What?

- Oh, no kidding. - [Glenn] Huh.

Ah, uh...

Oh, it's good to celebrate a little.

No, no, no. No, no.

- Yeah. - No.

Yeah, you gotta, you know.

All right. Uh, bring out

the cupcakes. Tina, hurry.

? Happy... ?

[Glenn cries]

I'm sorry, sorry.

Crap.

Thanks, Linda.

You have to blow it out or the wax will, um...

I-I'll do it.

[whispering] I wish this day would end.

Yep, could not get any worse.

- Hello. - [grumpily] Oh, great.

- I mean, hi. Mort. - Ooh, cupcakes.

[Gene] Get your own!

[announcer] Heads up, fathers and daughters

in heat two, these monster waves are for you.

You ready, Dad?

And is your bathing suit properly secured? [chuckles]

Heh. Yes. Kind of.

This one?

- Um... - Whoa. [laughs]

Uh, let's do it.

Paddle. Kick. Go.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm doing it.

Oh, oh.

Heh. Well, that was all right.

Yeah, that-that-that wasn't that bad.

Yeah, if we rode it any farther,

we'd need a plane ticket to get back.

Um, this one?

Uh, yeah.

Whoa, whoa.

- Whoa! - Louise!

[muffled shouting]

[gasps]

What the hell was that?

- You okay? - Yeah.

Does your chin hurt? It looks like you scraped it.

It's-it's fine. I'm fine.

Besides, what's a tiny little bit

of drowning every now and then?

S-Sure.

You want to make an omelet,

you gotta hold a few eggs under water until they choke

and scrape their chins, right?

Uh...

Okay. All right. [groans]

You know what though?

- I don't need a hundred bucks. - What?

Yeah, I'll easily make that much myself.

Over a few decades.

Maybe we should just call it, huh?

Oh, really? [stammers]

- You want to leave? - Yeah, I think I'm good

on ocean stuff for now.

It's big, it's dumb. I get it.

I mean, i-if that's what you want, okay.

It is. Yeah, let's go home.

All right.

- ? Little squirt ? - Yeah.

- ? Buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh ? - ? Buh-buh-buh ?

? You've got the cutest little surfer shirt ?

? Squirt, squirt, squirt ?

? You've got the cutest little surfer shirt ?

- ? Squirt, squirt, squirt ? - [scatting]

? Squirt, squirt, squirt, heh ?

? Squirt, squirt, squirt ?

? A-squirt, squirt, squirt. ?

- Yeah. - I think we're getting somewhere.

[Louise] That was the right move. Right?

Know when to call it quits.

Not that we're quitters.

We're smart. We're smart-ers.

Uh-huh. Yup.

They're all gonna die.

I mean, hopefully not.

They're gonna die, they're gonna die.

They might make it, but they'll be traumatized.

[Bob sighs]

[noisemaker blows]

- What? - Well,

I think I'm gonna head out.

- Happy birthday, Teddy. - Oh.

Yeah, I'm gonna shove off, too.

Happy birthday, Teddy.

Yeah, thanks for having us?

I didn't, uh...

Yup. [groans]

Uh... uh, wait.

Uh, we haven't had ice cream yet.

You get free ice cream on your birthday, right?

What? No, no.

Just Teddy gets free ice cream, or...

All of you. You-you all get free ice cream.

I'd stay for a little soft serve.

I'd stay for a lot of soft serve.

And sprinkles? I mean, not-not a deal-breaker,

but if you have 'em...

Do we have to have ice cream?

- Shh. - What? I'd have a tea.

Oh, this damn thing again.

Come on, come on...

Huh. My uncle has a diner up in Hillsboro.

This happens with his soft serve.

It's probably the flow screw.

Eh, I'd say it's more likely there's just a buildup in there.

I told the machine it needed more fiber.

I'm just saying, we should pry the cap off

the dispensing hole and poke around.

No, no, start with the flow screw.

Wow, handy people with their handy tools.

This place has turned into a real handy-land.

Oh, wait. Um, why don't we make a little game out of it?

- Huh? - Eh?

A little party game. Come on.

Linda, just, don't. No more party talk.

A game? I like games.

- I'd play... Yeah. - All right.

A game best served soft.

Joyce gets it.

- Whose kids are those? - I don't know.

You know where you don't die of drowning?

On the land. There's a 99% chance

you won't drown in the ocean when you're on land.

Hey, uh, I just want to say,

Louise, again, I'm sorry

I told you my boogie boarding story

while you were boogie boarding.

For the first time.

I'm glad you told me that story.

That story saved our sad lives.

But... I mean, I did have fun.

When I wasn't drowning.

I know. I mean, I-I saw you.

I actually had a lot of fun, too.

I... I like boogie boarding.

Whoo-hoo!

Linda, did you see that?

Mm-hmm. That was great.

What's happening? Why are we stopping?

What if we go back?

Go back? To the beach?

I think if we hurry,

we can make it back for...

for our third wave.

What? So now you're fine with dying?

You know, Jamiroquai and Mark Twain also said,

um, don't not do fun stuff

'cause your dad got scared one time.

Look, I'm glad you got me back in the water,

back on the boogie board.

I should have done that right away after my... incident.

I-I missed a ton of waves.

And a lot of chances to show your penis?

Right.

So, uh, What do you say?

More to the left.

- Here? - No, left, left.

Wait, is my left your right?

We're facing the same direction.

So my left is your...

- Left. - No, but you're behind me.

- Yes. - Put up your left hand.

- Here. - That's your left hand?

It's the same as your left hand.

- [bell dings] - Sorry, time's up.

Joyce and Lou, get in there. Go on.

You're going down, birthday boy.

[Lou] This is a great game. What else can we fix?

I have an old Honda.

I've got a casket I can't get open.

- Mort. - What?

There's no one in it. I don't think.

Hey. My little boogie beavers are back.

- How'd it go? - Oh, I don't know,

how about... we got fourth place?

Oh, that's great!

- Yeah. - Oh, your face.

Eh, it's nothing.

I mean, I almost died, and I wanted to quit,

but then I learned from Dad's many mistakes

and said, "No, we gotta go back."

- [Bob] We both said it. - I said it better.

And we rode

our final wave to fourth place,

which is a Belcher first place.

[Bob] Partially thanks to me doing a 360,

which I definitely did on purpose.

And not only did I get this intimidating scar,

we got these for coming in fourth.

Ooh.

Perfect for the opera.

Well, how about some fourth place ice cream?

- Yeah! - As soon as

our ice cream machine is fixed.

Yeah, what's happening here?

Handypeople party games.

Yeah, Dad. Haven't you ever been to

a handypeople funeral/birthday party?

- That's it. Look at that. - Whoa, whoa.

- Is it... - We've got ice cream

- Aw, c'mon. - We got it. We win!

All right!

I have to admit, this is nice,

being celebrated a little bit.

Thanks for making this happen, Linda,

even though I told you so many times not to.

Aw, you're worth it, Teddy.

And, yes, I was right about everything.

? Happy birthday to you ?

Oh, no, you don't have to Okay, you're doing it.

? Happy birthday to you ?

? Happy birthday, dear Teddy ?

? Happy birthday ?

? To you ?

[Linda] ? And Mandy Moore. ?

And, Vernon, sorry you're dead.

[scatting]

? Little squirt ?

- ? Buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh ? - ? Squirt, squirt, squirt ?

? You've got the cutest little surfer shirt ?

- ? Hey, squirt, squirt, squirt ? - ? You've got the cutest ?

- ? Little surfer shirt ? - ? Squirt, squirt, squirt ?

- Yeah, yeah. - ? You've got the cutest ?

? Little surfer shirt ?

- ? Squirt-squirt, squirt-squirt ? - [scatting]

? Squirt, ha, squirt-squirt, squirt ?

[both] ? Little squirt ?

Let me add the bass. Here we go, and...

[both] ? Little squirt ?

- [scatting] - Dad, you're still just a hair sharp.

- If you try to just... - You're absolutely right.

[both] ? Little- ?

[Doug] You know it's, though, it's the key is too high.

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