Original subtitles

Sync & corrections by Rafael UPD www.addic7ed.com/

And your heart rate is... six?

I might have missed a couple.

You know what they say in medicine... close enough.

Moving on to the hearing test.

Raise your hand when you hear the tone.

Ah...

I smell it, but I don't hear it.

Tina, what are you doing? Practicing.

I'm earing my Thundergirls nursing patch

by helping out the new school nurse today.

If anyone should be getting a nursing patch, it's me.

I nursed forever.

Yeah, you did, my little suckling duckling.

Good times.

I'm only allowed to dispense ice and Band-Aids,

but I think I'll get a lot out of it.

(machine beeping steadily, groaning)

It's butt fever.

Worst case I've ever seen.

His butt won't make it though the night.

Not on my watch.

Starting compressions.

Doctor, I need 50 cc's of ice.

Live, damn it, live!

(beeping resumes)

It's a miracle.

So anyway, I've got a real zeal to heal.

Here we go. What's in the box, Bob?

Whatever it is, I call dibs.

- Well, something kind of exciting. - What?

New stool tops. Oh.

Look. Oh.

Nice, huh? Yeah.

No cracks, no tears, a little more cushion.

Is that what you said when you met Mom?

Now, which-which one's the old one?

The new one... R-Really?

Well, the one that he's holding is the...

No, this is the new one.

- This is the old one, obviously. - That's the...

Oh, that's the old... new one. No, this one.

- Oh, that's the new one. - Oh, that's the new... They look...

- Yes, the one that's not attached. - New one's not attached.

I like it cha... it changes it, but it doesn't change it.

Yeah, it's like you cloned the stools

and did nothing to improve them...

But made 'em better. Right.

Yeah, right.

You people don't understand.

Well, let's give the old stools one last spin.

Whee! Ow.

I'll get the ice.

Patient is male.

13. Wrestling injury.

Sneaker versus crotch.

Oh, God, still don't know

how I kicked myself in the beans.

But that's wrestling for you. Oh.

Groin kick, great. I'll call for a medevac.

Get me some of that orange-flavored

chewable baby aspirin, stat!

Nurse Liz isn't a Nurse Feel-Good, Zeke.

Oh, she's giving you some. (sighs)

Pretty slow today.

Well, a slow day in the nurse's office

is a good day, right? Wrong.

Tina, I didn't become a school nurse

because no hospital would hire me.

Course not. I mean, that was part of it,

but I got into nursing to help seriously sick kids.

But kids have to do their part and get seriously sick.

I get it.

You want your life to be like Hurt Locker

but nobody's getting hurt by their locker.

Exactly. It's always scraped this and bruised that.

And never epidemic this or outbreak that.

Well, maybe things will pick up.

You never know who's got cooties, right?

(chuckles weakly) Hmm.

A gentleman I've been seeing

says I should be more spontaneous,

so I'm starting right now.

Pop quiz.

Pop quiz?

Ms. LaBonz, do I look sweaty to you?

I'm feeling kind of hot

and vomity.

Well, that happened fast.

Your quiz happened fast.

Fast things happen.

Maybe I should go to the nurse's office,

if I can make it.

I'm so woozy. Oh.

Whoops. Excuse me, sorry.

Am I there yet?

Just go already, Louise.

Is that you, Grandma?

I'm in the barn.

Go.

My inhaler's almost empty.

Tommy LaCroix thought it was an air freshener

and took it into the bathroom with him.

We don't have any extra inhalers, Rudy,

but how about this? Hold your arms over your head

and only breathe when you need to.

Okay. Here we go.

(groans) I needed to.

Oh, hi, Louise.

Hi, I have, like,

a 45-minute bug I picked up first period.

Or maybe it's a popped quizula.

Oh, my God, is winking one of the symptoms?

Yeah. I'm just gonna park it over here

until I make a miraculous recovery after this nap.

(sighs) I'm so sick of people not being sick.

Well, the important thing

is we're here when someone really needs us.

Hello. I was in P.E. and we were gonna climb ropes

and I began to feel a little gouty.

(sighs)

You're nice.

I'm cramping.

That's the last one.

Wow, I hardly

recognize the place.

Where am I?

(sighs) Go ahead, Teddy, try one out.

Yeah, be our stool sampler.

Well, I'd be honored. Oh. (stool farting)

Teddy. Jeez!

You really planted your flag in that thing.

That wasn't me! It came out of the stool!

Mm, sure.

No, really. Look.

(stool farts)

Oh, no.

(stool farts)

This one farts, too.

(stools farting) So does this one.

And this one.

But not this one. (stool farts)

Oh, this one does, too.

Oh, no, no. They all do it.

They look sweet, but they're full of farts.

Just like the kids.

Ugh.

What's up, universal nerd care. (chuckles)

Hey, Tam-Tam.

You're all that in a hat.

Seriously, way to accessorize.

Yeah, I'm doing indoor hats now.

It's a game changer.

Hi, Tammy. What's wrong?

My nails are gross.

Can someone here file them?

- TINA: Um, that's not really what we do. - Hmm.

Oh, um, it will be when you do it.

I notice you're scratching your head.

Yeah, maybe I'm trying to think of something.

Now I'm wearing a hat.

Hey, hats are fun.

Whoa, as advertised.

What's so fun about this?

Oh.

(yawns) Well, I think I'm through

the most quizzical part of my illness.

Good day.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, Louise!

We got a fun hat.

I already got a fun hat.

Keep yours company. Come on, girl.

- Zeke. - Now let's all switch shoes.

Don't know why you'd be scratching.

Unless it's...

(gasps) It could be.

Oh, my God, yes.

Lice!

Like lice lice?

That hat's infected. You're all exposed!

We're in quarantine, people!

"Quarantine"? No, I was actually just...

Hot crap, it is on!

No!

Tina, put a rubber glove on your head.

Oh, I'm doing that, too? Okay.

Ms. LaBonz, I'm ready to take the pop quiz!

Ms. LaBonz!

I can't believe Tammy gave us lice!

I'm itchier than a pair of burlap pants.

I can't have lice. I go to private school.

This is public school. What?!

I just hope my body is strong enough

to fight off lice and asthma at the same time.

(wheezing): Nope.

Tina, I don't like this.

I have that thing where I can't stand

huge tables blocking doors.

Oh, you've never mentioned that.

Nurse Liz, can I borrow some cotton balls

to re-stuff my obesity puppet, Portion Control Joel?

What's, uh, going on?

We have a serious lice outbreak at Wagstaff, Mr. Frond.

Okay, so we phone the parents and get the kids picked up.

We could call parents.

But let me tell you what I'm hoping for... afraid of.

Superlice. "Superlice"?

Super what?

It's a strain of lice

that's evolved to be treatment-resistant.

Every time it's not completely destroyed,

it comes back even stronger.

Like Mark Harmon.

Oh, my God.

Parents can't handle superlice.

Parents helped create superlice.

Parents are stupid.

Or maybe you love parents.

I d... I don't. Parents are terrible.

Then we keep them out of it and handle it here.

That's the plan.

That doesn't seem like a good plan...

Tina, don't be a giant bummer.

We're doing the plan.

BOB: Yes, a fart sound.

Listen to it again.

(stool farts)

No, that was the stool.

I want them fixed.

Bobby, I installed them.

Let me talk to him.

Hi, this is Teddy.

Bob's handyman and best friend.

I know, I know. He can get a little hot.

Mediterranean blood, you know?

I'm not Mediterranean.

Oh, I got it!

We hire someone to play the trumpet real loud

any time anyone sits down.

They'll never know.

(groans)

Well, that explains everything.

That's so simple.

Why didn't I think of that?

Okay, bye-bye. Well?

The guy says the stools just do that.

They just do that?

Well, until they're broken in.

A year or two tops.

"A year or two"?

We-we can't be the farty stool restaurant.

That's not good for business.

Oh, we're gonna have to break them in ourselves.

Good idea, Bobby.

All butts on deck, come on!

(stool farting)

Can you move down one, Bob?

I'd like a little privacy.

To get a handle on this superlice outbreak,

we need to know who else

has been exposed to Tammy's hair.

Great idea, why don't you let me out and I'll comb the hallways.

(laughs) No pun intended.

We have fun.

Open the door. (stammers)

You open it. No, No.

I will not. Yeah, I got this.

(stammers) You can't do that.

You stay put. (groans)

I know. Tammy, give me your phone.

You can give someone lice over the phone?

Oh, prank calls just got fun again.

No, selfies.

They thought they were posing for a picture with Tammy's head.

What they got was so much more.

Hi, it's Jocelyn.

Live from the nurse's office.

I'm filling in for Tammy, 'cause guys,

Tammy's got superlice!

(muttering)

Hi, Tammy. I see you.

Hurry up and get better.

No, take your time, ha.

I'm here with Nurse Liz.

So, what are superlice?

- Well Jocelyn, they're parasites. - Ew.

They live on your hair and chew your head and

and then drink the blood out of your scalp...

- by sucking it out... - Shut up!

Using their little louse bodies as straws.

(slurping) Oh, my God! Stop talking!

And then they poop on you, Jocelyn.

And lay millions of lice eggs. (retching)

I'm gonna throw up.

Kids with lice are bad, right?

(laughs) No, they aren't bad.

But they are disgusting.

And we want to protect their identity.

Unrelated... will the following 16 children

report to the nurse's office for a, uh, neck exam?

Jimmy Pesto Jr., Lice.

Lenny Destefano, Lice.

Michael Carlish, Licey.

Tracy Schwartz. Super licey.

So, you'd like to reserve the whole restaurant?

Mm-hmm. For a post-funeral meal?

Mm-hmm. Today?

It's short notice, but the mortician next door

recommended you highly.

(stool farting) Oh.

Sorry for your loss.

Lin, take a break. Oh, sorry.

Uh, excuse us, we're just in the process of,

of, uh, calibrating our, uh, sitting equipment.

Yes, it would be about a dozen people.

Some of them are elderly

and obviously grieving. (stool farting)

Teddy, stop. W-We'll be ready.

By 2:00. Oh, my God.

I mean, I'll, yes.

See you then.

Have a great funeral!

Tammy's selfies sure liced a lot of kids.

Yep, these selfies went viral, literally.

My lice are going over to Andy's head.

And my lice are going over to Ollie's head.

Bye, hello, bye! Hello, bye, hello!

One, two, three... oh, God!

That's a lot heavier than I expected.

Louise, I don't think you're supposed to move that table.

But it looks terrible here.

Let's try it by the trash can!

You can't leave, Louise.

It's just a bitter pill you have to swallow.

(groans) But it's not a real pill.

'Cause that would be medicine and I can't dispense...

I know, Tina!

You're drunk with lack of power.

There's one selfie

on Tammy's phone I can't identify.

You can see just a little bit of hair and sweater.

Whoever it is could be walking around with lice

and not even know it.

Like I'll never truly know how cute my butt is.

Good news, everyone.

I've found a cure for superlice.

Finally! That's great.

I'm not a hero, Tina.

I'm just doing my job.

I didn't call you a hero. Oh, I thought you did.

I get to go first. (groans)

And I want a reward for being brave,

like a smoothie or a Prius.

So it's quick, all natural, but pretty cutting edge.

Bring on this wonder drug! It's probably hemp.

Yeah, is it a pill or a shampoo I use at home

or just give it to...

I'm shaving heads!

(gasping) What?!

Oh, and burning hats.

No! No!

No! My hair and my ears?

Why does everything bad happen to me?

It's happening to us, too, Tammy!

Well, not really, 'cause you're not blonde.

Neither are you. You shut up right now!

You better shut that down. Shut it up.

Um, Nurse Liz, this sounds like pretty aggressive treatment.

Yeah! And, Tina, you get to hold the kids down.

Uh...

Anyone comes after me, they're gonna get

an eyeful of cherry throat spray.

Do us! Do us! Do us! Do us!

I heard children screaming from down the hall.

As a counselor, I've learned

that screams can actually be a cry for help.

She wants to shave our heads.

And I don't even know how much to tip!

Well, then that's what's gonna happen.

Mr. Frond, your hair and sweater match the mystery selfie.

Oh. Well, I might have leaned in for a selfie.

I'm on top of trends. (chuckles) Oh, I...

I'm-I'm sure I didn't get lice.

Hold him, Tina.

No. (stammers) Please.

I-I have a date.

I have to match my picture!

It's already not very close!

A date with someone besides my Aunt Gayle?

Maybe. (growling)

Tina, you're hurting me.

(screams)

Darn it, jammed.

Before too much of my hair came off?

Oh. Here we go!

(screams)

Crap! Treatment is postponed while I get these fixed.

(whimpering)

Hey, just change the side your part is on and...

and nobody will even notice.

(stool farting)

I'm fading here, Bob.

I lost my mechanics.

I'm all up in my head!

Yeah, I gotta take a break, too.

My kegels are givin' out.

We gotta keep going!

Very sad people will be here in an hour.

(bell dings)

Oh, trying to get the farts out of stools, huh?

Yes. You have experience with this?

Yeah. I had a vinyl seat

in my mail truck with the same problem.

Children laughed at me.

Before that, I was the cool mailman.

Mike's right! We can't do this alone.

We gotta accept help from friends.

I don't think I offered to help.

When the Amish wanted to build a barn,

did they do it themselves?

No, Kelly McGillis took a sexy sponge bath

and she got Harrison Ford to pitch in.

The Amish really know how to bathe.

But there's no time. How do we get the word out?

Did someone say "free beer"?

Where? Where's free beer? Ohh...

Yes! I'll make a sign!

After a couple of beers,

this stuff pretty much delivers itself.

Farty party! (stool farts)

LOUISE: We gotta get outta here.

Maybe someone's already dug a tunnel behind that cat poster.

We'll just peel it back and, uh...

Okay, no tunnel.

Well, we'll dig one ourselves

with these Popsicle sticks!

Ah, it broke.

Aw, man, people are gonna call me cue ball!

I wanted my nickname to be eight ball.

I haven't been bald since I was a baby.

I cried all the time!

Ugh, and my dad just built me a scrunchie closet.

So... I'm picking up

some negative feedback

about shaving everyone's hair off.

Maybe we send kids home,

kick this can down the road a little bit?

No! I'm saving heads by shaving heads!

I'll be the school nurse that beat super lice.

And when I go to my nursing school reunion,

I won't even need a name tag,

though I'll probably wear it anyway

if they have one for me, 'cause why not?

I don't want to be weird about it!

But... It's happening, Tina!

I'm not gonna be the only freak around here with a shaved head.

(clippers buzzing) Hey, I fixed them!

♪ ♪

(stools farting) Bob, it's working!

I think the farts are going down!

We just might make it, Lin.

Marshmallow is here.

And she brought her rear.

Oh, hey, Marshmallow.

Hey, baby. Ooh!

Okay, where to start?

With Louise. (gasps)

(whimpering)

Oops!

Oh, you've stopped me!

I'm just gonna go right here and plug it right into the wall...

Ah! Ha!

Now you're exposed!

So let's talk again

about who's getting shaved and who's g...

(clippers buzzing)

Ahh...

Oh...

And...

better.

Eyebrows. That's commitment.

Uh, Nurse Liz,

you look like someone who should be lying down.

Under observation.

She also looks a little like Michael Chiklis.

Come here, Louise.

Uh, Nurse Liz, you're on a roll!

Ah, oh!

Move the table!

Everybody run!

I'm not really feeling up to running... okay!

Stop those louse-y kids!

(panting)

So you finally saw the light, huh?

'Bout time!

Yeah, I didn't notice it till she was bald and sweaty,

but Nurse Liz is kind of insane.

Which way do we go?

I can't handle choices right now!

We'll have a better chance if we split up.

Half go left, half go right!

Go! Yeah...

Wh... Oh. We're the only ones who chose right?

We went right?

I thought this was... Never mind.

You go after those two!

Ow! You don't have to push me, I'm on your side!

God! Go!

Follow me! I know this school like the back of my hand!

Yeah, this is where the dead end is.

Good. Good. Good.

LIZ: All right, let's go... (gasping)

nice and easy... no, wait!

Lice and easy.

Good one.

It's just interesting to see her process.

How long do we have to run?

I'd just like to say you're the last person

I wanted to be escaping with.

Okay, well, I would just like to say

that I am not escaping with you,

we are escaping separately together!

Well, let's just run and not talk, okay?

Fine, stopping now! (growls)

You, down there!

Stop them! No way, man!

They're gonna lice us!

The library!

In here!

The library? Ew. Ew.

Oh, my God!

(panting quietly)

(awkward chuckling)

LOUISE: We can make it out through that window.

Then we're safe.

But Mr. Ambrose can see the window from his desk.

All right, let's just hunker down here

and wait for him to get up.

It won't take long, he hates his job.

What's this?

"Medical Encyclopedia."

Oh, God, don't open it...

you'll get book smell everywhere.

Thank you. Thanks, everybody.

Thanks for helping.

Mm, man, my cushion did some pushin'.

All right, the funeral people will be here any second.

But I... I think we're ready.

Ah, I'm still a little worried about that third stool there.

It was the gassiest one.

What, really? Oh, God, they're here.

(mourners murmuring)

Welcome, welcome.

Sit... sit anywhere.

The booths are nice.

I've always been a booth man myself.

They call me the booth fairy.

Uh, sorry.

The counter looks nice. Mm-hmm.

(quietly): Oh, God, the third stool!

Oh, are you the widow?

Uh, yeah, we have a VIP booth for you.

For-for widows. Oh. Ow.

Stop shoving!

No, no, I'm not, I'm helping!

Ow! I'm helping!

Lin. Okay.

Sit anywhere. Wherever you want.

(loud fart) Oh, my.

- (quietly): Damn it! - Sorry, Bob.

Ooh, unless...

Hmm. Could be. I-I can't tell.

Teddy, can you get in there?

Was it the seat or was it her?

I'm checking it out right now, Bob.

(sniffs)

It's real.

It's a real one, all right!

Oh, wow, it's a real one!

Yeah, oh, now I'm getting it.

It's definitely her!

LINDA: All right!

Roger would have loved this place.

♪ ♪

Huh.

Oh, my God.

Ring.

Oh hello, a librarian emergency?

I'll be right there!

Now's our chance!

LIZ (over P.A. system): Lice alert.

We have re-quarantined most of the infected students.

Oh, no.

Louise Belcher and Tammy Larson remain at large.

If you have any contact with them, turn them in.

And then turn yourself in because you have lice.

She got the others.

Sucks for them.

Okay, let's go! Wait.

(sighs)

We gotta go back. What?! No!

I know, I know.

But I have a gross feeling

that we should help the others.

And I have an idea and I need you.

Which is also gross.

Here's the thing: I hate helping.

I'm out the window! Wait, wait, wait!

(grunting) Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

Guys, we're in the nurse's office

where Nurse Liz is gonna shave kids' heads while we watch.

This microphone's heavy, I'm gonna put it down.

No, don't do that? Okay.

Hold it, Nurse Wacky!

Oh, look what the lice dragged in.

Really not liking this plan.

I have information.

Tammy is Patient Zero.

But she doesn't have lice...

she has dandruff!

Look at it!

Look at the glorious dandruff!

It's snowing!

Old people have dandruff.

I'd rather have lice.

But why are we all scratching?

Dandruff's not contagious.

It's psychosomatic.

The power of suggestion.

Just say the word "lice" and everyone itches their heads.

Oh, my God! Stop it, Louise!

Nurse Liz, please read from this medical encyclopedia

the marked passage... how dandruff is often

misdiagnosed as lice.

Like how my asthma was misdiagnosed

as having a bad attitude.

Uh, I don't need to read it

because obviously, Tammy has dandruff and lice.

Dandruff and lice?

Mm-hmm. She's a mess.

Oh, my God. That's not good.

Yeah. You can have both.

Oh... Sorry.

Darn it, Louise!

I was out the window!

Where were we?

(gasps) No, Nurse Liz, read the book!

It's over, Tina. Read the book!

God, I could read it, but reading?

Ugh!

Right, kids? Right?

Yeah! She gets it.

You can't read it.

Because you don't have your glasses.

What's... what are you trying to say?

(laughing): I don't even...

I noticed you squinting, then I noticed

the little marks on your nose.

I have them, too. (gasps)

I always thought Tina wore fake glasses to hide those.

Uh... wh... I... I left them at home, okay?

I got in the car and I thought it was gonna be that thing

where I say "where are my glasses?"

and then it turns out they're on my head.

But they weren't!

They're not, right? No.

And that's why you couldn't have

seen lice on Tammy's head.

(all gasp) Nice one, T.

All right, yes.

Maybe I saw what I wanted to see.

Is that such a crime?

You really want a nurse with no imagination?

- Kind of? - Yes. Preferably.

Oh, screw it, I'll just skip the reunion.

I don't want to show up there with a bald head.

Again. I get it.

You had a zeal to heal.

But you forgot to keep it real.

Oh, can you sign this form so I get my nursing patch?

That's not the right place.

Oh, you can't see.

That's my hand.

So, Tammy, what's next for you?

I do the interviews, Jocelyn!

What's next for you?

No, I have the microphone.

- So, like, what's next for you? - No, what's next for you, Jocelyn,

- in your journey to give me the microphone? - No...

- I think it's my microphone. - No, Jocelyn, I'm not kidding.

- I'm doing the news right now. - Give it back. Give it back!

- Just get off it right now! - Give it! Give it to me!

Get off it! Ow! Ha-ha, got it!

So gross. You're gross.

You're my best friend. You're my best friend.

I love you.

There you are, Louise.

There's still time to take your pop quiz.

Pop quiz?

Ah, all right...

Wh... whoa!

My leg! Oh!

Oh, Louise, your leg!

Tina! It's all twisted!

It's, like, totally facing the wrong way.

We need to get this girl some ice!

You gotta be kidding me.

Don't just stand there, LaBonz, get the damn ice!

(melodic farting)

Sync & corrections by Rafael UPD www.addic7ed.com/