Original subtitles

Is the new stove coming today? Is it Stove Day?

Merry Stove Day, Jeff.

And we're not getting just any old stove.

Le Bon Chaud is the fanciest French stove money can buy.

Ooh-la-la.

You've heard of Emily in Paris,

but have you heard of Steve in an apron?

Did someone order a new stove?

That cheap piece of crap's not Le Bon Chaud.

That European stove you wanted was way overpriced.

What the hell, Dad?

I invited Nerfer over to make scrambled eggs.

I'm gonna look like a damn fool.

[air hissing]

Does anyone else hear a loud hiss?

Obviously just a stove snake. Calm down.

Huh. That hose shouldn't be there.

Hey, Candace. Yep. Stan bought another appliance.

Better send the big ambulance.

It's the whole family this time.

[? theme song playing]

? Good morning, USA ?

? I got a feeling That it's gonna be A wonderful day ?

? The sun in the sky Has a smile on his face ?

? And he's shining a salute To the American race ?

? Oh, boy, it's swell to say ?

? Good morning, USA ?

[Roger] Ah!

[chorus] ? Good morning, USA ?

You are all very lucky.

I have never in my entire career as a doctor

seen a family this severely deprived of oxygen.

First day being a doctor, so I've been saying stuff like that a lot.

Okay, Smiths, time for your diagnosis.

You're all going to live.

[all sigh in relief]

Wow. We almost died.

Yeah, it really puts things in perspective.

We need to start living our lives to the fullest

and do all the things that we've been putting off.

I always wanted to try the Tiny Tacos from Jack in the Box.

And you know what? I'm gonna go for it.

I'm finally gonna start wearing low-rise jeans,

even though Barry says I don't have the ass for it.

My whole life, I've had a dream.

It has captivated my imagination,

and enthralled me, but it has also frightened me.

Everest, the highest peak on Earth.

The ultimate test of human will.

Many have died trying.

But those who reach the summit have achieved true greatness.

As mountaineer Sir Edmund Hillary said,

"It's not the mountain we conquer but ourselves."

Mine sounds stupid now.

- I wanna do Mom's thing. - Yeah, me too.

I want to get super high.

This family is going to conquer Mount Everest.

[all cheer]

In that case, I'd better write you a prescription for adventure.

Isn't it wonderful how things work out?

You need to book a trip,

and it's the grand opening of my travel agency.

Can I offer you a water, coffee, maybe a glass of champagne?

Lovely. I'll take all three.

You called my bluff. I don't have any of those beverages.

But what I can offer you is the trip of a lifetime.

I've done my research, and here's what an Everest climb package costs.

Wow. That's a lot. But I could work some overtime

and maybe look into starting an OnlyFans account.

Obviously, just tasteful solo stuff.

That's the per person charge.

This is the whole enchilada.

That enchilada is too many tamales.

Don't panic. Klaus has an alternative.

Thank goodness. What is it?

Zorbing. Sport of the future.

Klaus, focus. Maybe there's a more affordable mountain we could climb.

This Mount Chimborazo is really cheap.

- Not sure I can recommend-- - Chimborazo it is.

Oh-ho!

It says here that because of the equatorial bulge,

the summit of Chimborazo is actually the closest point on Earth to the sun.

Of course, the equatorial bulge.

That's super, because I'm an OG bulge boy.

Ride or die. Bulge boys, mount up.

And I ain't exactly complaining about the proximity to the sun.

Why are we flying on Air Ecuador?

Air Ecuador doesn't only fly to Ecuador,

like how Southwest doesn't only fly to the southwest.

And Virgin Air doesn't just fly to your bedroom. Boom.

I'm not feeling my look today.

You ever walk out of the house and realize you look like an idiot?

I mean, this guy knows how I feel.

You still haven't told the family they're not going to Everest?

I'm waiting for the perfect moment. I'm thinking right at the summit.

Well, good luck with that. I'm gonna go hit on divorcees

in the glass-walled smoking section that looks like a futuristic prison.

Well, I somehow made it even worse.

I am pumped for this. I mean, it's Everest.

Nothing else can compare.

Technically, everything can be compared. That's how comparing works.

Have you noticed that Dad's acting a little weird? Watch this.

I sure am excited to climb Everest.

It's cool to be up really high.

But it's more important, at least to me, to be close to the sun.

Dad, why do you keep talking about the sun?

I'm not doing that. Hey, switching subjects.

Did you know that one million Earths would fit inside the sun?

Stan, what the hell is going on?

- We're going to Everest, right? - Klaus.

Well, I was gonna wait for the summit, but you ruined my surprise.

We are going to Mount Chimborazo.

[imitates cheering]

And the crowd goes wild.

Stan, I wanted to go to Everest.

I wanted to stand on the highest point.

If you talk about the sun one more time, I will cut your tongue out.

We almost died and vowed to live life to the fullest,

and you bring us to Mount Chin-beard-rat-turd.

Was it the money, you damn cheapskate?

Dad, I hate you. You're so annoying. How dare you?

[Stan] All I wanted was to get my family close to the sun on a budget.

- [Roger] Come on. - I don't understand why they're so mad.

I almost suspect they're unfamiliar with the equatorial bulge.

We should probably hit the sack. Gotta get up early for our big climb.

We are not climbing that dinky little mountain.

Come on, kids. Let's go get drunk.

[speaks other language] That's "Bye, Felicia" in Sherpa.

Which I learned for nothing.

Everyone is being so mean to me about Chimborazo.

Stan, we can still turn this trip around.

I took it upon myself to book you all a 5:00 a.m. Zorb.

Someone has forgotten what Zorbing is.

[? flamenco music playing]

What's with this music?

Would it kill this dude to play some Alice In Chains?

[chuckles]

Another round of drinks for our foreign visitors,

and I also made little paintings of each of you.

A souvenir of your trip.

My God. How do we get rid of this dingleberry?

I don't know. He's kind of got a cool style.

If you need anything else, don't hesitate to call my name.

Vicente.

Are we really gonna climb this lame-ass mountain?

No. You cannot climb Chimborazo this time of year.

Very dangerous. Certain death.

Stan, did you know this mountain was a death trap?

Stan's gone.

A few hours ago, he up and left, mumbling,

"Screw the family. I'm gonna climb Chimborazo on my own."

[all gasp]

We must go after your father and find him before he meets his death on the mountain.

Prepare yourself for the climb. We leave at dawn.

Let's just leave now.

I hate going to bed then having to get up all groggy.

- Yeah. - Yeah, I totally agree.

No, we leave at dawn.

Dawn is when you leave to climb a mountain, Jeff.

Vicente knows my name.

Ow! Hey, Vicente, are you getting a lot of rocks in your sandals?

Yeah, me neither.

I'm so annoyed your dumb father is climbing this stump of a mountain.

You know, technically, because of the equatorial bulge--

[screams]

Hey, I'm thirsty. Did anybody bring any water?

Not to worry.

Chimborazo has many treats for travelers.

But watch out, because sometimes the travelers become the treats.

Whoa.

- Can I keep this knife? - No.

Eh. I prefer grapefruit LaCroix.

Because of the volcanic activity below

and the grapefruit orchard above,

- this stream-- - Tastes just like grapefruit LaCroix.

Call me when you have a Sierra Mist river.

Chimborazo, she is a dangerous slut.

- Jeff, watch out. - [yelps]

Sorry. I thought that tree behind you was a monster.

- Can I have this knife? - No, man. It's not, like, free knife day.

I recently guided an artist from Pixar up the mountain.

He was thinking of setting the next Pixar movie on Chimborazo.

About a country alpaca that moves down the mountains

and gets bullied by a bunch of mean city alpacas.

Alpaca pillow to that movie, because it sounds like a snooze.

Hello, Esmeralda. Klaus Heissler.

I need to cancel all seven of the Zorb sessions that I booked.

I'm sorry. You booked our non-refundable Zorb experiences.

I can offer you a credit. You could use it for a helicopter tour, or--

Look, hon, you're not dealing with some tourist schmuck.

- I'm a travel agent. - You seem like a tourist schmuck.

I just told you I wasn't one of those.

Okay, that's it. Let's settle this like adults.

Adults inside Zorbs. I challenge you to a Zorb fight.

I accept.

But only because I feel like humiliating a fish today.

Joke's on you.

Being humiliated by a beautiful woman is a huge turn-on for me.

Well, sure. This view is a little magnificent, I guess.

Yeah, and I have to say,

I didn't mind that meadow back there that smelled like fresh waffles.

Family meeting right now. I know what's happening.

You're starting to have a good time. Well, knock it off.

Climbing Everest was the dream,

and yet your father brought us to Chimbo-Crapo.

Right. Dad always does stuff like this,

and we start having fun and let him off the hook,

but not this time, capisce?

I could go for a capisce right now.

Hungry? The mountain, she provides.

This whole mountain is edible.

Mmm.

No. That's just dirt.

- How is it? Bad, right? - Yeah.

Unless you're into perfectly cooked and seasoned meat that melts in your mouth.

Oh, a cute little monkey.

I think it looks like Richard Nixon.

You're right. And probably just as big a liar.

I'll bet he wants to take us off the gold standard too.

That was just a little joke nobody got.

I love you.

[thunder rumbling]

Fear not.

The mountain, she will provide us shelter from the passing storm.

[imitating Vicente] Yes. Mother mountain.

She will nestle us in the cleavage of her rock-hard tits.

Ahhh!

Chimborazo, she is a dangerous slut.

Where are we?

Inside a crystal geode that has grown within the mountain for eons.

Some call this the heart of Chimborazo.

I have to admit, I feel a little good.

It is believed that these crystals have healing powers.

It's how I've managed to stay in such good shape

even though I am 97 years old.

Okay. I can't fight it anymore.

I'm having a wonderful time.

Oh, my God. Thank you. I love this mountain.

But when we find your father,

we can't tell him that we enjoyed ourselves, okay?

I'm still very mad at him.

I mean, pretty mad. I think.

I don't know.

I feel so amazing in this [bleep] cave.

Come. The rain has passed. We must go.

Too long in here, you turn into a baby.

[Steve] Dad.

Look who decided to climb the crappy mountain that no one likes

to find the dad that everyone hates.

You're alive. But you look terrible.

This mountain is hell.

I crossed a river of sulfur, bramble fields,

and there were so many spiders.

Sounds like you traveled through

El Valle Azufre de Aranas y Zarzas.

The Sulfurous Brambly Valley of Spiders.

I see you made a friend. That's fun.

I met a pack of wolves that stole my shoes.

Stan, I'm sorry that you had a tough time.

But that doesn't change the fact--

No. I will not stand for this.

I must defend the honor of this broken man.

Everyone can tell he is a simple working man that makes very little money.

I mean, I do all right.

He tries his best to provide his family with fun, affordable vacation.

And what do you people do?

You complain about everything.

Yeah. Oh, man. I spit on my sandals.

I can't lie.

The truth is we've had a wonderful time.

- We love Chimborazo. - I've secretly treasured every moment.

And I love this monkey!

I can't wait to tell everyone I know about this place.

Oh, yeah. Everybody is gonna hear about this mountain.

As soon as I have service, I'm gonna blow Instagram up.

- Click. - That's not a click.

This is a click.

- I'm partial to clacks myself. - Enough.

Vicente, what are you doing?

I am doing my job.

My real job.

You see, I am not actually a sexy waiter

or a super-hot mountain guide.

I am the protector of Chimborazo.

[thunder rumbles]

And as the protector of Chimborazo, I must kill you all.

Because I took a dump in that crystal cave?

You did what?

I must kill you to keep this sacred place from being ruined like Everest has been.

I won't let it be flooded with stupid tourists.

And thus, your family cannot live to tell the tale of Chimborazo.

As we say in Ecuador, "Sowwy".

Secret protector of the mountain? Boring. I've lost all interest.

I was hoping his secret was something impressive,

like he could blow himself.

Where are you taking us, Vicente?

To El Culo del Diablo que Pica.

The Devil's Itchy Butthole.

Where I'm going to throw you into a pit of hot magma.

We never would have told anybody about this place,

until you made us fall in love with it.

I always end up doing this.

I feel compelled to show people the beauty of Chimborazo,

and then I feel compelled to kill them.

- Dad, do something. - Oh, I thought I couldn't do anything right.

But now that you want me to save your lives, I'm Mr. Popularity.

Well, okay.

So weak.

Maybe from the many dozens of spider bites.

Sure, sure. I know three of these are nipples, but it's still a lot.

[screams]

Phew.

Okay.

I know we're supposed to be fighting, but that was--

Amazing.

Where'd you learn to Zorb like that?

Every night, I have the same dream.

And in the dream, I am Zorbing.

Same.

I never thought I'd find someone that loves Zorbs as much as I do.

I never thought I'd meet such a cute fish.

I'm kissing.

I can't wait for you to meet my family when they get back with Vicente.

They're with Vicente? Oh, no.

[? suspenseful music playing]

The Devil's Itchy Butthole.

A suitable end for those who would threaten

the pristine beauty of Chimborazo.

But we aren't. I swear. We would never--

- My bad. - Dad's useless.

So we need to do something about Vicente.

One thing I've noticed about Vicente, he is very horny for this mountain.

[gasps] We can use his love of the mountain against him.

Yeah. We'll trick him into showing us more and more of the mountain

until we have a chance to escape.

All right, Vicente, you might as well just go ahead and throw us in.

We've seen all there is to see on old Chimborazo.

[snickers] Oh! Far from it.

She's barely pulled up her dress for you.

You're saying there's more to this beautiful mountain?

Ah! I know I should just throw you in the magma. But...

[mouse chitters]

- Whoa. - It's incredible.

These creatures are found only here, near the top of Chimborazo.

You are one of the few outsiders to ever see them.

Wow. Cool bird.

We call that one Feather Bent Squawkadelic.

Wow. Cool name.

This sleeve of enchanted E.L. Fudges has got me feeling right as rain.

I know he wants to kill us, but I kind of agree with Vicente.

It would be terrible if tourists ruin this mountain.

Yeah, this place is special.

Well, well, well. Chimborazo, eh?

Not such a bad idea after all.

Three cheers for Stan. Father of the year.

Squawk, squawk, squawk!

[Francine] She really is quite the mountain.

She sure is. Wait a minute. I just remembered.

- We're about to get murdered. - It's always something.

You can never just enjoy the moment.

[chainsaw revs]

Pixar is back to make their alpaca movie.

This ends now.

- Why don't you use your gun? - That's not a gun.

It is another amazing creature found only on Chimborazo.

[screams]

This mountain is too important.

We must join Vicente and fight for it.

For Chimborazo!

- [all exclaim] - [Roger] Squawk! Squawk!

Let's beat up some nerds!

[all groaning]

Next time you'll think twice before you mess with Pixar.

[cackles]

- Is that-- - Guys, I met someone.

I'm in love.

Abuelo!

Esmeralda, Pixar is back.

[gasps]

[? thrilling music playing]

[all scream]

- [all cheering] - Yeah. Suck it, Pixar.

I misjudged this family.

You are pure of heart and spirit.

You love this mountain as I do.

I name you all henceforth

fellow protectors of Chimborazo.

- Thank you, Vicente. - Do we actually have to do anything?

With that Pixar movie shelved, Chimborazo shall remain a secret forever.

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