Original subtitles

One, two, three, four pillows on couch.

What are they doing now? What did I miss?

- [Nandor] Hey! - Get out of the way.

Nothing. They are not home yet.

We recently discovered, besides our neighbors

Sean and Charmaine on that side of the house,

we also have neighbors on this side.

Can you imagine? More neighbors.

It was a stroke of blind luck we discovered we even had a window

on this side of the house.

This side of the house.

Dear Guide, every time I call you,

I lose my nerves like a chicken for the slaughter.

I was-- Oh.

Oh, shit.

We have a window. It's a It's a house.

Hey. Ooh. Oh, sh

And now we are using that window to spy on the neighbors.

Why are they not home yet?

Have you guys seen my phone anywhere?

Not now, Guillermo. We are spying on the neighbors.

- Why? - [Nadja] Look.

They're home. They're home. They're home.

What's this shit? When did old bald guy grow hair?

What?

[Nadja] They're not even wearing the same clothes they left in this morning.

- Are they in disguise? - And somehow looking 30 years younger.

So yeah, the house next door is very obviously an Airbnb.

I guess I never taught them what-- No, you know what? I did. I did.

They probably weren't listening.

[Nadja] Oh, no.

That house belongs to shape-shifters. [spits]

- Fuck. - You're kidding me, right?

Shape-shifters are extremely freaky.

[Nadja] They're awful, abhorrent creatures that use the most ancient of sorcery

to transform into whatever murderous, all-powerful shape

their wicked hearts desire.

And now they have infiltrated our street.

I have had horrible experiences with shape-shifters in the past.

I was once in a relationship with a woman for four years

who then transformed into a possum.

I stayed with her for six more months, but then I just had to end it.

This is a fucking nightmare.

- It's just an Airbnb. - [Nadja, Nandor] Shut up, Guillermo.

♪ Don't sing if you want to live long ♪

♪ They have no use for your song ♪

♪ You're dead, you're dead, you're dead ♪

♪ You're dead and out of this world ♪

♪ Now your hope and compassion is gone ♪

♪ You've sold out your dream to the world ♪

♪ Stay dead, stay dead, stay dead ♪

♪ You're dead and out of this world ♪

- [plays suspenseful tune] - Recently, I've been beset

by the most strange and eerie feeling.

A chill down my spine.

A weight on my shoulders.

The most ethereal sounds coming from absolutely nowhere.

[farting]

Like that. Did you hear that?

Actually, that was just me breaking wind.

But these macabre sounds are very similar.

My wife Nadja thinks they might be ghosts,

but I'm not so sure.

[Nadja, Nadja Doll chanting in foreign language]

- [Nadja] Oh, shit! - [Laszlo] Shit. Did the summoning work?

- [Laszlo] So it did. - [Nadja gasps]

Ah. Aha!

Hello, my son. It's me, Papa.

- Fuck off. - [Nadja scoffs]

Laszlo. Laszlo!

- [ghost] Oh - [Laszlo] No fucking way.

I see the grumpy fellow hasn't changed a lick.

[laughs]

Well, what a lovely sight you are.

- Oh. - Roderick Cravensworth.

Is it really you? Laszlo's father?

Well, if the tit fits the cup.

- Definitely family, then. - [Nadja Doll] Yes.

And you must be his ethnic mistress.

Yes, that is how it started. But I am actually now very much his wife.

We have been married for many hundreds of years. [chuckles]

How much I have missed.

What a divine pleasure it is to make your acquaintance.

[Nadja] Oh [chuckles] Oh.

- Um, trying to get the kerchief. - This is a perennial ghost issue.

So I have to ask,

- what's your unfinished business? - Yes.

Well, my tiny lady, I'm here to repair my long-troubled relationship with Laszlo.

Yes, he may be a vampire and I a spirit, but we will always be, above all else,

father and son.

- [Nadja Doll] Aw - Yes, we love that.

[Nadja Doll] So sweet.

- Oh. Hello. - [Nadja] Oh, yes.

[stammers] What are these contraptions?

Oh, uh, these are camera machines. They take your portrait.

Ah, yes, you have to keep very still.

[Nadja] Um

Anyone else notice the ghost, or is it just me?

- Come on, Laszlo. Just introduce him. - All right.

Attention, everybody.

May I introduce you to a man who has gone by many names.

- The Whispering Swordsman. - [Nadja] Mmm.

Scurrilous Bob. The Barkham Bone Digger. The Marquess of Manchester.

- Nice. Huh. - The Black Finger.

- And lastly, my father - [Nandor] Nice.

- Lord Roderick Cravensworth. - [Nadja chuckles]

- You forgot one sobriquet. - [Nadja] Oh?

The Night Dog of Tresco. But that was most of them.

I'm delighted to meet all of my beloved son's roommates.

Although I did think perhaps he would have had his own place by now,

but what do I know?

[Nadja, Nandor, Colin laugh]

Let me ask you, sir. How did you get all those dope nicknames?

The finest man I ever knew bestowed most of those monikers upon me.

That is, soon after he saved my life in deepest Sumatra.

- Oh, wow. And what was his name? - [Monster grunts]

[groans] I can't remember. I think it was Glen or something.

- Glen. - And who might this,

uh, taciturn fellow be?

- Get up. - [grunts]

This, Father, is my greatest creation to date.

I call him Cravensworth's Monster.

Now, as you can see, I've created a man by reanimating dead human flesh.

Surpassing any of your own scientific experiments.

No, I tried it, but it didn't work.

I just ended up with a dead body with lots of bits stuck together.

[stammers] I didn't reanimate it.

I sewed the body bits together, but I didn't do the reanimation.

- So, well done. Yes. - [Monster grunts]

Although, not the most comely of fellows. Perhaps he takes after his creator.

- [Nadja laughs] - [Nandor] Hey. [laughs]

- [Colin] Very good. - I would love a tour

of Château de Cravensworth.

Really? Well, it's a pity that because we're very busy right now.

Actually, Night Dog of Tresco,

I would love to show you around our humble abode.

Fantástico. Lead on, squire.

- Out here is what we call the foyer. - [Roderick] Very good.

- [Nandor] What a fun guy. - [Nadja] So charming.

- [Nadja Doll] Love him. - What? He's not fun.

- He's pretty fun. - You've been beguiled

by his wicked charms.

The only reason he has come back here is to make amends with you.

Why don't you give him a chance?

My darling, that man is never to be trusted.

Never.

His silver tongue is as sharp as the ivory paddle

that he used to bring down across my bare backside.

He would spank me in front of the polo horses.

He'd give them a right show.

My bare backside out in the wind for all to see.

How everyone would laugh

as that paddle would come down hard across my bare backside.

"Arms out, head forward, be a good boy."

It would come down again.

Again and again and again.

Are you okay?

Forgive me. I'm not quite myself.

Uh, I thought you quite liked being spanked.

[Nadja Doll] Oh, yeah.

I used to keep these in my room, but I ran out of space,

so I had to move 'em up here.

[beeping]

You'll see why in a second.

[Colin grunts, laughs]

- Ta-da. - What an impressive collection

- of detailed maquettes. - Really?

Most people don't give a flying F to the moon about my Funko army.

No, I think they're enchanting.

And who is this bewitching bonita?

Oh, well, you have really good taste.

That is Lizzo. And it's a rare one because she's holding the flute.

This one's also Lizzo.

This one she's holding her purse, but this one she's holding the flute.

Geez, I'm sorry. I'm-I'm probably boring you to death--

No, no. Please, please.

I could listen to you extemporize on these plastic things for hours, my boy.

Get your ghost hand off him, Father.

Enough of the soft-shoe.

Reveal your game or suffer the consequences.

Now, now. Calm down, my bubbly boy.

Yeah?

What's that in your hands?

- What? This? - Yes.

It's a spirit catcher of my own invention.

From the last time we had a ghost infestation.

Yeah. It also coincided with me showing him Ghostbusters II,

and a week later, he "came up" with that device.

It was a parallel thought.

Well, I for one am fascinated by it.

Do tell me about this divine device, my cherubic Fibonacci.

Well, it is quite interesting.

- It's a atomic vacuum modified by myself. - Atomic?

- I added the blunderbuss. - Blunderbuss?

Yep. And as you can see,

I've housed everything into a large carriage clock.

- That is stupendous. - [Laszlo] Isn't it just?

And, uh, I used this from one of Nadja's old

- [Roderick] Mmm. Yes. - dresses.

You can get fucked.

I'm onto you. You only flatter when you want something.

Well, you got five seconds before I suck you to kingdom come.

The last time I heard that was on my penultimate visit to the cunny pot.

- [Colin laughs] Cunny pot. - [Nadja laughs]

I didn't even hear it, but I know it was funny.

It was really funny. [laughs] It's good.

[Colin laughs]

[Laszlo] Ah. Fleet of foot. Yes. His usual trick.

Show yourself, you bastard.

[scoffs] Look at these two. Cooking dinner.

- Please, as if. - Bullshit.

[Nadja] What are these shape-shifting sons of bitches planning?

Um, Airbnb shouldn't even be that hard of a concept to wrap your head around.

Will you shut the fuck up, Guillermo?

- [Nandor] Yes. - Okay.

Nandor, I'll say it.

We need to capture and destroy the shape-shifters.

Yes, I'm in full agreement, Nadja.

So maybe I just go over there, and I kill and mince them with my bare hands.

Fuck. That's really good.

Mmm.

I think you should give your dad another chance, Laszlo.

I mean, he's really nice.

And he knows a hell of a lot about the spice trade.

With all due respect, Colin Robinson,

you haven't got a fucking clue who the shit you're fucking with.

Look, we're getting closer. And closer. He's in here.

Show yourself, Padre. Meet thy maker.

[atomic vacuum clicking]

Leslie, please wait.

I know I haven't been the best father, but I felt this pull to return.

To be the father you've always needed.

And to learn about this incredible, modern vampire life you lead.

You expect me to believe that shoeshine?

No. I think he means it.

I think he's really interested in learning about our lives.

- Yes. - Besides,

it's been really nice having an older male figure in the house.

Yeah, it has.

I sure wish I had one when I was growing up.

What? You fucking did. It was me.

I raised you from a baby, Colin Robinson.

You keep saying that and people are gonna think you're

My son.

You may well choose to use that apparatus on me,

but know that I care about you deeply, my rotten little soldier.

And I would give anything [sobs] for a second chance.

[sniffles]

[Roderick sobs] Oh [whimpers]

Please don't cry, Father.

[crying]

- Please, don't cry. - All right, then.

[atomic vacuum clicks, powers down]

All right, I'll give you a second chance.

But if you fuck up, I will suck you dry.

As the maître d' of the Hellfire Club said to me whilst getting my peacoat.

You are literally the funniest man ever.

- [Roderick] I like him. - All right.

So, Mr. Cravensworth asked us to show him our New York,

and I get to choose where we go first.

Times Square M&M store, here we come.

Wait, Laszlo.

You're not just going out into the world unattended.

I presume a gentleman of your station has a manservant of some kind.

I do have a manservant.

I just choose not to let him stay in the house.

Ah.

If you'll excuse me. I shall be a moment.

[Colin] My grandma's also a ghost.

- Hey, knock first. - I need you to come with me,

pretend to be my manservant and do not ask me why.

[sighs] It's okay if you're trying to impress your dad's ghost.

- Well, I'm not. - You know,

I would wanna impress my dad too.

Hypothetically. He left when I was three, so I never got to meet him.

Right. Okay. That makes you the luckiest man in the world.

Come on, Gizmo. Uh

- Now! - [sighs] Coming.

[engine chugging]

Give me a minute.

Are you sure you don't need me to look under the hood?

[Laszlo] No, I don't need anything. I'm fine.

Fuck!

I'm gonna go give him a hand and sort this out.

[Laszlo] Fan-fucking-tastic.

You're very lucky to serve a man as wonderful as my son.

- Hmm. - If you're anything like my butler Cecil,

you'll know how to anticipate his every need.

And I do mean his every need.

The G-spot. The erotic zone.

Oh. No, sorry.

It's not like that with your son and I.

Cecil worked my whirligigs like a maypole.

He was something of a psychosexual chess master.

Could we talk about something else, maybe?

Have you ever kissed a ghost?

Now it's go time.

Lancer to Rawhide, do you read me? Over.

Rawhide to Lancer, I can read you loud and clear.

Why, hello, my sweet gooseberry jam. How much for a go-round?

- Ahem. - Miss Nadja, my sincerest apologies.

I briefly mistook you for a lady of the night.

You thought I was a little fucking whore, did you?

- Yes. - You charmer.

Cut the cross talk, Rawhide. Stay on mission!

That's lively. Get a rag, Colin Robinson. Get a rag!

Okay.

Rawhide, make your way through the side gate.

[Nandor] Be very quiet.

If they sense you coming,

they'll rip you apart before you can even bare your fangs.

- But you got this. - [Nadja whimpers]

You will soon see a mat.

On it is written "welcome."

Counts as an invitation.

[chuckling]

It would be easier to hide if you stopped talking.

Okay. That's smart.

- I'll stop talking. [gasps] - Shut up!

She's in.

[Nandor] Now she must hide and catch them unawares.

Look at them! The shape-shifters.

They don't suspect a thing.

They're too busy playing with the combat training blocks.

Oh, shit!

Shit, they've heard her! They've heard her!

She's fucked!

Rawhide, shape-shifter one has picked up a knife.

He's approaching you!

He could shape-shift at any moment!

Can you hear me? Over. Don't engage alone.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

Rawhide, do you need backup?

Can you hear me?

Rawhide! Do you copy? Over.

- Ha! You beauty. - [engine starts]

Bravo, my mechanical maestros.

[Colin] I fixed it.

It was the exhaust manifold. I just had to get in there a little.

It wasn't the fucking exhaust manifold. It was the spark ignition, and I fixed it.

Trust me. I fixed it all on my own, Daddy.

I meant, uh

Um, I meant to say, uh,

- Mr. Cravensworth. - [explosion]

[Laszlo] Fuck's sake!

[Nandor screams]

- [walkie-talkie beeps] - Rawhide,

the shape-shifters took out the jalopy.

I've got your back, Rawhide!

- [screams, groans] - Shit. Fuck. Sorry, Nate.

[Nadja] They're shifting! Fuck this!

- [Nandor] Rawhide! - [Nadja grunts]

[grunting]

[sighs] Oh, good. She made it out.

I thought I was fucking dead. [exhales]

What's this? They got Nate?

- Yes, Nate got got. - [Nadja] Oh, no.

- Wait. Wait a minute. - What?

I was not watching you the entire time that you were over there.

How do I know that you are actually you

and haven't been replaced by a shape-shifter?

Are you fucking kidding me?

- [Nadja shrieks] - [Nandor shouts]

- [Colin chattering] - [Roderick chuckles]

- [Laszlo] Great. - [Roderick] The truth is,

Sir Colin of Robinson, that I never knew my own father.

Yeah, me neither.

It's a terrible thing and leaves a man ill-equipped

when it comes to his own turn at parenthood.

Oh, I-I think you're the coolest guy ever.

Well, you know, you're not half bad yourself, young man.

Do you think

Nah, it's kind of stupid.

No, please. Tell me.

I was going to ask if I could maybe give you a hug.

I don't know that you'll be able to feel these translucent arms of mine

but I think we should have a go, don't you?

All right. [chuckles]

I don't know. Maybe I have been too harsh on my father.

After all, he is showing kindness to Colin Robinson.

A Herculean task if ever there was one.

You're fucking kidding.

Remind me again, Nadja.

If that is in fact who you really are.

What is my favorite film?

I don't fucking know!

Captive did not know that the captor's favorite film

is The Incredible Burt Wonderstone.

Enough of this!

Just because I ignore all of the bullshit that you say,

does not prove that I am a shape-shifter.

If anything, it proves that it is me!

Someone who doesn't care about anything you say!

Now, will you just untie me?

Okay, fine. You are not a shape-shifter.

Okay? I apologize.

I can admit when I'm wrong.

Done.

Sorry. I just was a little paranoid, that's all.

It is odd, though.

I myself was away from you for a while while I was in the house.

So?

Admit it. You are just a snaky, tricky little shape-shifting bitch.

- [groans] - Ha!

- Yeah, he is. - We must not let them tear us apart

- like this. - [door bell chimes]

Oh, shit.

[Guillermo] Nadja, Nandor! The lady from next door is here to see you guys.

The shape-shifters are here.

The shape-shifters are here! What are we gonna do?

- [groans] - Pull yourself together!

- Thank you. - Yes, thank you.

- I feel much better now. - [Guillermo] Please come down!

I've been here 15 years and no one by that description comes to mind.

- Really? Not those two? - Who?

My guests said they were in the house.

They also said that an old-timey car exploded.

Your guests? Hmm.

[whispers] Perhaps she is their leader.

No, she is the host of the Airbnb and owner of--

Silence, Guillermo.

My guests also said you were spying on them. With a telescope?

Listen here, shifty.

We are onto your little games.

What you have going on over there

violates all of the laws of nature. [snarls]

Okay, fine. Technically, the unit isn't zoned for an Airbnb, okay?

I'm just trying to make some passive income. Is that such a crime?

What the fuck is she talking about?

- Guillermo, what is passive income? - Yes. And what is "Airppp?"

Yeah, that's what's going on.

We figured out that that was an illegal unit.

Shit. Okay, listen, can we just keep this between us?

Maybe we can work out some kind of deal.

[both murmuring]

- [Monster] Great Britain. - [Roderick] Yes, the British Empire.

We've plundered the world, but our museums are fucking great.

What are you doing down here, Father?

Just having a bit of chitchat with your curious creation.

Right.

Well, not easy for me to say this,

but I know you have paternal affection for me, and that affection is reciprocal,

though not often displayed due to a fear that it might not be returned in kind.

Very well put, my boy.

But what I'd like to do is begin a more

free-flowing communication between the two of us.

That would gladden my heart, my bonny lad.

[chuckling]

- Hug Daddy. - What are you--

- Hug Daddy. - Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Explain to me why the Book of Souls is open on my workbench right behind you

and on that particular spell.

Yes, I thought as much.

I know exactly what you're doing and the answer is a big fat no.

I forbid you to use my monster as your vessel on this earthly plane.

I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about.

Really? As soon as my back's turned,

you'd be up that bastard like a frankfurter sausage in a bun.

- Coward. - But, Son,

you don't understand what it's like,

the place where I come from, where my spirit resides.

It's fucking awful.

All the classes are mixed together.

I have to talk to poor people.

I have to feign interest in the Welsh.

I can't touch myself. It's hell.

But if my ghost could inhabit a human body, I could begin life anew

and have an orgasm again for the first time in 200 fucking years.

It's all about you, isn't it?

Always about Lord Roderick Cravensworth. No one else matters.

Ruining my life from day one. Like when you humiliated me at Wimbledon.

You can't play power tennis. There's no shame in that.

- You fucked my Latin tutor! - Veni, vidi, veni. You got into Eton.

Hiring Rasputin to be my babysitter.

That was last minute.

And who can forget when you murdered Mother?

- Not this again. - Good grief.

Prove it.

Well, I'll tell you something.

You are not getting your hands on my monster,

my greatest creation to date.

You will not be using him as your meat puppet.

You think I'd want this wretched homunculus for a body?

- [Monster] I right here! - No, you have me all wrong.

You see, the divine human vessel I wish to inhabit is your own.

- [Monster grunts] - I beg your pardon?

Oh, come on, Son. You've had your turn.

Be a good boy and let your daddy inhabit your flesh.

- The Father of the Fatherless. Shammash. - No! No!

No! This must stop! [screams]

- O Ancient Ones. Gods of the Night. - Shut your mouth!

Spirit catcher!

- [grunts] - [Roderick speaks ancient language]

[screams] Get me my spirit catcher!

[grunts] Yes!

- Ha! - [Monster grunts]

- [whooshing] - Prepare to get sucked, Daddy.

No! Not like this!

No!

- [Monster grunts] - Oof! [exhales]

[exhales]

Farewell, Father.

So yeah, after I spent another two hours

explaining to Nadja and Nandor that our neighbor wasn't a shape-shifter

I told you what it is. It's her space. She's renting it out.

Remember I went to an Airbnb on vacation for--

What has it got to do with the air?

- [Guillermo] We made a deal with her. - [sighs]

We wouldn't report Nancy's illegal Airbnb if she would let us stay

- for a free weekend once a month. - I mean, look at this sign.

It says, "Bye Felicia and take Karen with you."

I'm gonna start saying that.

[knocking]

- Hey. - Come on in.

I just wanted to drop off

- some fresh baked cookies - Ooh!

to say thank you for your discretion.

- [mimics zipping] - Couldn't possibly.

- Thank you, Nancy. - Anything you need, you let me know, okay?

- Bye Felicia and take Karen with you. - Take Karen with you.

[laughs] You guys are so crazy. Have the best night. Amazing.

- [Nadja Doll] She's really nice. - Mm-hmm.

- [Nandor] Bananagrams, anyone? - [Nadja] Yes. Why not?

[Nandor] Help me turn the tiles.

- [groans] - So sorry.

- [Laszlo] All right, old chap. - Oh. Where's Mr. Cravensworth?

I got him this Pop Yourself that looks like him.

I know it's kind of stupid, but I thought--

- Sit down, Colin. - Okay.

My father has gone on a very long trip.

- He has gone on a ghost mission. - That's

That's weird.

He wanted to say goodbye to you in person,

but he was too afraid he might miss his ghost train.

Well, that's That's okay.

He also told me that he cared for you very much.

So much so that he wanted you to have this.

- What is it? - No idea.

But he said you must keep that somewhere safe,

somewhere locked up where no one can get to it.

- Wh-why? - Because he's going to need it someday

when he comes back.

You really have an amazing father, you know?

I do, Colin. I really do.

There's just some shit that I need to sort out over here.

- [Colin mutters] - [groans]

♪ I was born to haunt you

♪ Like a shadow from above

♪ I was born to haunt you

♪ Terrorize, terrorize you through and through ♪

♪ Well, I was born to haunt you ♪

♪ And you were born to haunt me too ♪